Roses are red,
violets are blue;
If I were a query,
I'd SELECT * FROM you;

Picked up a legacy site to re-build, turns out just adding:

'?admin=1'

to the query string gave you full admin rights to the entire site without having to authenticate. The site was live for 2 years.

And the most useless function of the year award goes to...

Pixel Nazi - Add a little media query

I need new friends.

Me: Just Google it..

Friend:
Opens browser (home page is some ad-riddled crap)

Types "Google" in address bar

(Google search page opens)

Clicks first result (google.com)

Types search query.

Me: 😶🔫

learn how to Google properly!
no seriously, learn how to query well its important asf!

The DNS server I'm writing in PHP (largely taken from another project) is starting to work!

Next to just blocking queries it logs every blocked query so I can have stats :3

A little terminal output:

When I was an intern, I wrote a very heavy MySQL query with multiple joins. Quite frustrated, I asked for some help from one of my seniors.

He came by on my desk and told me, "Explain your query!".

I was completely blank-faced O_O.

After a few moments, the senior grabbed this hopeless bastard's keyboard and typed "EXPLAIN" in the beginning of the query; and then ran it.

I thought he was being hard to me.

This is real.

String query = "select password from users where username = " + username;

Searching SQL with no index.

Had a database engineer tell me that he put a minimal delay of 15 seconds on every query, so that people don't come complaining to him that the database takes longer than usual

Client(On Call): I emailed some query a day before. I got a response too. But, i am not able to find answer of my specific query.

Me: Let me check that for you. Yes, it is there. See the mail carefully.

Client: No. It's not there.

Me: Can you read the whole mail for me?

Client: Sure. *Started Reading* Oh yes. Yes. it is here. *Hangs up the Phone.*

Me: Sigh.

Query for the clients and some people

Hey, Root? How do you test your slow query ticket, again? I didn't bother reading the giant green "Testing notes:" box on the ticket. Yeah, could you explain it while I don't bother to listen and talk over you? Thanks.

And later:
Hey Root. I'm the DBA. Could you explain exactly what you're doing in this ticket, because i can't understand it. What are these new columns? Where is the new query? What are you doing? And why? Oh, the ticket? Yeah, I didn't bother to read it. There was too much text filled with things like implementation details, query optimization findings, overall benchmarking results, the purpose of the new columns, and i just couldn't care enough to read any of that. Yeah, I also don't know how to find the query it's running now. Yep, have complete access to the console and DB and query log. Still can't figure it out.

And later:

Hey Root. We pulled your urgent fix ticket from the release. You know, the one that SysOps and Data and even execs have been demanding? The one you finished three months ago? Yep, the problem is still taking down production every week or so, but we just can't verify that your fix is good enough. Even though the changes are pretty minimal, you've said it's 8x faster, and provided benchmark findings, we just ... don't know how to get the query it's running out of the code. or how check the query logs to find it. So. we just don't know if it's good enough.

Also, we goofed up when deploying and the testing database is gone, so now we can't test it since there are no records. Nevermind that you provided snippets to remedy exactly scenario in the ticket description you wrote three months ago.

And later:

Hey Root: Why did you take so long on this ticket? It has sat for so long now that someone else filed a ticket for it, with investigation findings. You know it's bringing down production, and it's kind of urgent. Maybe you should have prioritized it more, or written up better notes. You really need to communicate better. This is why we can't trust you to get things out.

*twitchy smile*

I've seen native SQL query in JavaScript sent to the backend to execute

When you see a web service API accepting a SQL query in one of its JSON fields and the evil starts growing within you..

DROP ALL DATABASES

Just because you can!

I turned a 20 hour per month task into a 150ms database query.

I feel like a fucking super hero.

FYI my super hero name is ThreadPool (see past rant)

*opens new tab*

*types 'google' into URL bar*

...is navigated to google home page...

*proceeds to enter desired query into the same URL bar*

Time for an actual rant:

During an internship I heard from my PM that my assignment for the week after was going to be working on a specific sql query to add some features and fix some bugs.

When talking with colleagues about that assignment later, they laughed and referred to the query as the "query of doom" (QoD), naive as I was back then, I thought that one of my colleagues had the QoD displayed on his screen because the query he was working on looked rather large (about 20 lines). They all laughed and told me I was in for a treat.

Starting my assignment the week after I was horrified to find out the QoD was huge, and by huge I mean, printing that specific query resulted in 8 A4 pages font size 10, front and back.
There were over a 100 union statements, no proper aliases, no documentation, not a single foreign key in the entire database, naming that makes no sense. And everything written manually by 10 different developers over the past years, who all fell of the face of the earth.

And this was only the query of doom. The entire product was a complete clusterfuck of forms with a queries directly behind action buttons, because we weren't allowed to make classes (yes you read that correctly. We couldn't make classes, unless we had a very compelling reason). Everything was created by over 30 different devs who only managed to stay just long enough to get some work done.

And all of this was the result of a PM who didn't believe in frameworks, ORM's, OOP, classes, ... because that made the software slow. To this day he still manages that product, but I'm glad that I quickly decided to move on.

Every hour or so someone shows up at my desk requesting a query to be executed.

I feel like I'm just a human-sql interface.

23 joins in one SQL query, aliased from a to t kill me now.

$search = $_GET ['search'];
$table = $_GET ['table'];

$query= mysqli_query ("$search FROM $Table");

😲😲😢😢

Why did the SQL query stop working?
.
..
...
....
.....
It was part of a UNION.

SELECT * FROM programmers WHERE attr='no_gf'

Query took 6 months.

How do I query the database?

SO: How to ... in JavaScript?

Answer: use jQuery!

SO: How to ... in JavaScript without jQuery?

Answer: use jQuery!

Me: ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I hate j-f*cking-query, I don't want to learn it!!

When the function named getData() is a post query 😭🔫

That moment when you google the error...
find the same query on three different sites...
realise that all three were posted by the same user...
and all three are unanswered.. 😑

"I forgot the WHERE clause in my update query"

Fuck fucking fuck just spent hours and hours looking why I was getting a fatal error. I overlooked a missing bracket in an SQL query. MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Optimized a query today. Before it timed out after 10 minutes, now it takes 4.3 seconds. Very proud.

My boss is a grumpy 25 year oldish "Mr. I know it all". We all hate him for that attitude.
Just joining recently, the code base which I got introduced to was totally new and I was overwhelmed.
Boss told me to write an Sql query to wipe the table data. I being reckless wrote a query to wipe the table only and submitted it to my boss.
Few hourse later we were informed by our peers that a certain url was not working. On further investigating we found out that my boss carelessly copy and pasted my query and executed it which wiped an important table clean.
Now he doesn't talk to me straight and I can't look him in the eye because obviously I burst into laughter.
Job well done☺️

Fucking hell, the devs before write a query that pulls 30ish column for a report. When I break it down MANUALLY, since it’s a spaghetti on top of another spaghetti, you only need 6. Fuck you, did you dropped your head when you was a kid? Fuck sake, and every query is written in stored procedure even though you’re using an entity libraries

Today, for fun, I wrote prime number generation upto 1000 using pure single MySQL query.

No already created tables, no procedures, no variables. Just pure SQL using derived tables.

So does this mean that pure SQL statements do not have the halting problem?

Putting an EXPLAIN over the query I could see how MySQL guessed that the total number of calculations would be 1000*1000 even before executing the query in itself and this is amazing ♥️

I have attached a screenshot of the query and if you are curious, I have also left below the plain text.

PS this was a SQL problem in Hackerrank.

MySQL query:

select group_concat(primeNumber SEPARATOR '&') from
(select numberTable.number as primeNumber from

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as number from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by number) numberTable

inner join

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as divisor from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by divisor) divisorTable

on (divisorTable.divisor<=numberTable.number and divisorTable.divisor!=1)
where numberTable.number%divisorTable.divisor=0
group by numberTable.number having count(*)<=1 order by numberTable.number) resultTable;

Forgot to add a WHERE clause in my UPDATE query for Prod DB, that contained 100K+ Records.

FML

I just rewrote a linq-2sql query which cut the execution time down from 17 minutes to 20 seconds! I felt like a genius for all of five seconds, until I realised it was me who had written the original query... Now I don't know if I'm an idiot or a genius...

Epic Answer ever.... Laughed to the core...

I was searching through StackOverflow when I found this guy:
He is using a "dot operator" in LINQ at the end of the Query
Example:
a.Where().
Select();
Not
a.Where()
.Select();

How barbaric

Password hashing using md5, it is 2016!! I have seen a sys admin update a user password using a MySQL query

Ran update query on 1m+ record without where clause. Thank god I missed the commit command or else today would have been my last day.

Today my boss told me that i missed the '*' in the delete from x SQL query..

166 lines of if else hell just to decide between prod and sandbox.

Run the same query multiple times to get the same data.

And that's all written by our code review team lead.

What a mess.

Apparently `= NULL` is not a thing in mysql, instead you have to use `IS NULL`... Took me a while to figure out why the fuck my query wasn't returning any results.

When you're searching the missing parenthesis of your MongoDB query 😂😂😂

Arts and crafts: developer version.

Context: spent all day making an ER diagram from an awful SQL query I was handed. Got sick of asking for it from the contractor who made the DB.

Yes, that's one query.

YAY a JOIN query (MySQL) just ran successfully at the first try for the first time of my life!! I never understood joins but slowly getting there I guess :)

Spot the errors...

Always use SELECT-query with the same conditions before you DELETE/UPDATE in a production database.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Such a classic joke. Apt for a Friday! :D

Customer: Can you do a database query for me?

Me: Made the query and send them the result as a csv-file.

Customer: Is it possible to send it as an excel-worksheet because the columns don't have the right width.

Me: Resize the columns to the right width, saved it as xlsx-file and send it back.

What manner of imbecile writes a password reset function that passes the email and password as god damn query parameters, in the email link....

Senior showing fellow intern what SQL injection is on the app the intern created :
Senior : "then I hit enter and the query get executed and...
Intern : "don't you dare hitting enter!!!"

Never forget the where clause in an UPDATE query.......

So, today I asked my senior developer a query he took my laptop and changed the ide theme to black.

My doubts were solved, I am enlightened programmer now.

Web Developer with no common sense: “I’m going to query the currency calculator API for each of the 1000 records to convert.”.

Web Developer with common sense: “I’m going to query the currency rates API and use the calculation to convert each of the 1000 records.”

Why does it take a client, who needs the bug fixed immediately, over 24 hours to respond to my query about what the problem is?

that moment when you realise the ID column in the DB has no auto increment on it after sending a 900k lines query... FML

Official Release of Wikipedia Bot is Here

How to Use: @wiki <Query>

Runs on cron job, every minute.

If there is literally no Wikipedia page for query, still gets a relevant result.

Demo in Comments.

According to my predecessor, nothing showcases your SQL skills quite like generating the entire page (markup, JavaScript and all) from a single 2500 line query.

Was my prev dev fucking high or what?
Who names an UPDATE Query as delete.
That shitfuck deserves a special place in hell.

Things like this make me feel good about myself. Update: moments after taking this picture, he took it down. Have any of you ever asked a stupid question like that? And, well, how did you know you when you got "good" at programming?

Every once in a while, execute a SQL update query on a production DB without a where clause.

Ended in an UPDATE without WHERE query to a core table in a Drupal project (in a dev database stored in the same server that production database was)

When your cat jumps on the table, walks on the keyboard and runs an improbable query.

We have a portal which uses Windows Integrated auth that lists out all off our internal sites.

Navigating to any of these produces a URL like the one in the attached image.

Turns out all our internal application use a base64 encoded email address in the query string as the means of authentication.

So, anyone can authenticate themselves as another employee within the company by simply changing the query param value to said employees email address.

Fucking nuts.

"Ok the query looks good, lets execute it"
--executes--
"WAIT FUCK CANCEL IT"

At a Magic: the Gathering prerelease tournament (yeah, yeah, stereotypes), on my phone, with a pen and paper copy of the SQL query, as the phone screen was too small to read it properly in full. Managed to fix the bug in the query about 30 seconds before the next game started.

The debugging went well, but the tournament did not; I think I was a bit distracted!!

SQL query walk into a bar and sees 2 tables;

approaches them and says, can I JOIN you?

I just saw the code of a guy who queries the database in the class construct *facepalm*

Omg whhhy do things change so much from Laravel 5.x to 5.4? Tutorials are useless! And Google, I love you, but giving me laravel 4 answers as top results for my query specifying 5.4 is just infuriating!!!

So these motherfuckers... they have stored the queries to generate the reports... fucking guess where. Just guess.

They stored the queries AS FUCKING STRING DATA IN THE TABLE. And you know how they get the parameters? A FUCKING JOIN WHERE THEY HAVE STORED THE PARAMS AS DATA IN ANOTHER TABLE.

So you query set the params to query to get the query to get that is joined with a query to get the reports.

If God is a programmer after all y’all are fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked

Sometimes I wished people had a REST endpoint to query their (mental) status ....

a quote of todays daily standup:

"<other guy>, did you had time to investigate that disastrous SQL query. I had no time, one of my horses was giving birth"

My friend once told me, that when he was trying really hard to find an error on his code (which caused the app couldn't run), he didn't get any of syntax error.

But when he try to skim the query, he found a little query typo that cause the long development delay due to that error. He mistyped SELECT as SELET.

For you who don't get the joke. SELET, in my language (Javanese Language), means ASS/BUTT/ARSE. My friend felt like to be cursed by his own code, after searching the error.

BI dev: Hey, can you help me with my SQL query?
Me: Sure, let me see it.
BI dev: sends screenshot - not even the whole query, literally a screenshot with a segment of text in it. No errors showing either.
Me: ...

Twenty five goddamn minutes finding an incorrect quote mark in a bloody massive query of mySQL, I need a beer.

Api-docs: Use the query parameter name_pattern to return results that contain name. Otherwise use name to return an exact match
Api: Returns *name* results when using name and everything when using name_pattern without a wildcard

I've been working on a proof of concept for my thesis for a few days and the async query calls drove me nuts for quite a while. I finally managed to deliver all query results asynchronously while still very much relying on a strong architectural design pattern. I am filled with caffeine, joy and a sense of pride and accomplishment.

[CMS Of Doom™]
Imagine bringing every HTTP Query Param and every god damn fucking POST var into to current code context.
"extract()" is one of the reasons why I have terminal PHPTSD.

who the fuck names their table aliases a, b, c, d... in a long query

Anyone use anything other than Chrome or Firefox? I use Opera

Client called with a query regarding her email client. Said to me during the conversation, "I've got yozzamite". Took me a few moments to realise that she meant Yosemite.

Oh hell yeah. I just spent a good few hours optimizing an ok mySQL query and made it so much better and faster. Inner join ftw!!

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Wrote a long SQL query yesterday for some data I was exporting. It was just about finished and figured I would wrap it up in the morning.

PC reboots overnight. Never saved the query.

// Rookie mistake

Well that's... an interesting way to check for three characters repeated in a row...

Previous dev needed to validate new user names as unique. His solution? Query Top 1000 rows and do a string comparison. Totally scalable, amirite?

query for ladies

When you only get 5 results from Google for your Query😓😓

When I need help with JavaScript, I google 'JS (insert query here)...'

When I need help with Go, I have to google 'Go programming (insert query here)...'

The extra term 'programming' is so search engines recognise I'm looking for answers related to the Go language.

Ironic, but Go is the least 'search engine friendly' language. Sites like O'Reilly and Packtpub return searches with uneven results.

- Knock Knock
- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Your mysql query callback
- Your mysql query callback

Struggling to write the query with query builder for an hour, gave up and wrote the raw query in 5 minutes.

Was showing the new guy how to write a fairly simple database query with a couple of joins.

Spent 3 hours trying to figure out why it didn't work.

Finally discovered that I had randomly chosen one of the 3 records (out of a possible 15,000+) that had leading white space.

Ctrl-Z back to the first query I wrote (3 hours ago), and it works perfectly.

New guy learns a more valuable lesson than I originally intended.

My react code in production broke because one of my senior renamed a field in sql query to 'id' instead of invoiceid.

I'm seriously working with a system that saves the password AND the confirm password In the database... varchar field, copied info, no wonders it takes half an hour to make query.

I tried developing an API based on some other ones that would query my school's timetables faster than our app.
It worked.
I'm proud now.

"Okay, my query uses wrong date format."

"Why the hell I´ve put that join there? That´s not needed!"

"Why the hell I´ve joined the tables in THAT order?"

Joys of looking at your old code.

Quick survey: What do y'all like being referred to as? (Engineer, programmer, developer, etc.) I like developer but I find that people rarely get what that means

When you find an extremely cool SQL query online but instead of returning the high-five your wife turns around and walks away, shaking her head mumbling

When the guy with his master's who's job you were told you weren't qualified for performed the following all in one query:
1. A massive many to many join on a 4 million row table.....to itself on in inner query through a linked server.
2. Decides to try and join this massive inner query (see step 1) to another table on a second many to many join.
3. Writes a function for month. Yes instead of month(literallyadate)

Then this guy emails me to ask if I can optimize it because we yelled at him for trying to insert 216 GB of data into a table (again on a massive many to many joined disaster). We told him if a query was taking more than 40 minutes we needed to see it.

I regret saying that now...should have just bought more space ;)

I remember it was Friday, 30 minutes before leaving the office when suddenly someone from the upper management directly asked for my help to mass update something as it is important. By that time our CMS is not capable of doing this so I had to do it straight in the live database.

It was an update query and I decided to type the query in notepad first. when i pasted it in the terminal i didn't noticed i missed the "where" part so i mass updated the status of all our records dating 3 years back.

fuck.. please take note it was on a Friday night.

Anyone here use Go? Just wondering...

I named an alias variable feedItem in my database query but I keep accidentally typing feetItem. I have no one to blame but myself.

Not only Synology's REST API documentation is outdated, but I have to deal with this.

Let alone the fact that login in a GET request where username and password are passed as query string in URL.

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

Ok so I was fetching some JSON data from a SQL database server and loading it on the front-end. Every single data is being loaded onto the table except for a single data column, which is empty.

Hmmm... So I go and check my code... everything looks fine.
Then I console.log the JSON (using .stringify() of course), all the values from the table are present in the printed out JSON.

Ok, now I am really pissed.

Long story short...
I had misplaced a single 'i' in the SQL statement, I had included the 'í' (the i-acute) character instead. And since I was using an alias in the query statement, no error was shown.

Made a SQL query wich perfectly worked. Than added one collumn to be selected and everything is shit.

And the worst is I still don't know why! Ò_Ó

Colleague asked me to look at his eCommerce search filtering system as the customer was complaining it was slow taking 5-6 seconds to find results.

Delving into the code deeper, I discovered he was querying the results, sticking them in an array and then sub querying the results looking at all the combinations.

On top of that each sub query looked at the database fields using "DESCRIBE" to then search them each time it found a pair!

The total query count for one page search was 14,512!!!

Why oh Why? One SQL query could of done all that in one go.

I look at other code bits he's done and he's very good in other areas. I just don't get how sometimes a good developer can make such a weird decision? It's almost as if he wanted to make it as complex as possible.

Because, definitely, size shouldn't matter.

Code description for the blind: if the size of this query is loved, then close the database and die.

Today I wrote a SQL query with 7 joins. What's your record?

When coworkers built the shop to allow adding items to cart via url query parameters-_-

/shop/?itemNum=1234&Qty=4

..what?

My dumbass removes a setter and then starts wondering why the API isn't accepting any query parameters anymore

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

I was working yesterday, writing a calculus with sql.
My very great user explained to me the math in Excel. I first though to myself, piece of cake, i got it.
Then I started typing and at the end of the day i had 6 temp tables which at some point need to join with themselves. It was just hilarious. each table had at least 4 millions rows.

Then I started a new query just for validating the output of me very ugly previous queries.
And I fucking found a easier way to get the same output with 3 joins of 3 different tables and a count at the end.

When you love yourself. but hate yourself at the same time.

xD it was a very productive Friday night

Needed to update one column in table A with data from table B (huge table).

Created awesome update query with join between the two tables.

A few hours later realized all data in table A is already being imported from table B in a query executed earlier in the process...

I was Just college fresher who completed his Engineering. My first week in the office. And a system was provided to me, since it was support project so I was given direct access to production database.

Fresher + Production Database + Access of Admin credentials = Worst Possible Combination

So it was my night shift, I was told to update new tariff plan for our client (which was one of the largest telecom service in India) .

If someone recharges for more than 200 Rupee, that person will get 10% or 20% extra talk time. Which was only applicable for particular circle (Like Bihar and Rajasthan).

Since I was fresher, I was told to update given query from my senior employee which he shared on the shared folder. Production downtime was in the mid night, so at that time I updated that query on the production database.

Query successfully updated. I completed my night shift, went home and slept.

When I woke up, I saw my mobile it had 200+ missed calls from different locations of India. They were Circle heads of that telecom service provider who contacted me. I realized something unexpected is expecting me.

Then at that moment my team lead called me and he asked me to come office right away.

Reminding you I was a fresher, I was shivering. What have I done there?

When I reached office, I came to know that the query I updated on production bombarded.

Every person who recharged that day (duration from midnight to morning 10 AM) got 10 times or 20 times more talktime.

A part of Query was something like this where error was made:

TalkTime = RechargeAmount + RechargeAmount * 10/100; (Bihar)
or

TalkTime = RechargeAmount + RechargeAmount * 20/100; (Rajasthan)
But instead of this query, I updated below one:

TalkTime = RechargeAmount + RechargeAmount * 10;
or

TalkTime = RechargeAmount + RechargeAmount * 20;
In a span of 10 hours, that telecom service lost revenue of 6.5 crore Rupees. Thanks to recovery team they were able to recover 6 crore but still 50 lakh Rupees were in loss.

One small query, and approx 1 million dollar was on stake.

Aftermath of this incident

My Mistake:

I should have taken those queries on mail. Or, there should have been mail communication regarding this.
Never ever do anything over oral communication. Senior employee who did this denied and said he provided correct query, and I had no proof of communication.
I told them, it was me who executed that query on production. Since I was fresher, and took my responsibility of that incident. My team lead rescued me from that situation.
Lesson Learned:

Always test your query and code multiple times before you execute or Go live it on production.
Always have email communication for every action you take on production.
Power comes with responsibility. If you have admin credentials of production never use it for update/delete/drop until you are sure.
Don’t take your job lightly.
I was not fired from that Job, but I have learnt my lesson very well.

Who has replaced a dot with a semicolon while composing a SQL query in php? Me. 😤😤😤😤😤
Two hours spent in fixing everything and a sleepless night.

Can someone explain what's so wrong with CSS?

My only issue is you can't set media query variables - which is totally not an issue with cssnext or similar..

Going through some pretty fucked up shit right now : a string containing an SQL query goes though a 100+ lines function full of if{} else{} with up to 5 levels of indentation, where it replaces some parts of the query with other words... 😱

Last year I was asked to optimize a code in our legacy portal (yet to be replaced with the new portal). The legacy system didn't have a design phase. Straight away went to development by whatever developer available at that time.
It was seriously fucked up.

So I went and had a look at the vanilla PHP code that served data for a datatable.
** I nearly fainted **

A query was done to get data from a table without any joins.
Then for loop to display those data.
Then inside for loop, for every single column that gets data from a related table there's a fucking query.
Eg: select * from users where.... to display username. Then again select * from users where..... to display user's email, then another query for his phone number. Then another query to get service providers name, then another to get their phone number.

I think the guy who did it wrote his first hello world app with a bunch of queries and sent it to production. No one bothered to check until 4 years later when it slowed down like a friggin snail.
I'm surprised it even survived that long.

Spent the entire morning updating a SQL query.

Client wanted to have different expiration times for different products. So the full package would be 1 year of access and a module would only be 6 months. Then when you renew your account the renewal is 1 year if you have the full package else it's 6 months.

The query takes 0.7s to run and left joins 3 tables. Only to return about 100 results. Still it's faster than the guy who wrote the original query which just dumped the hole db into memory then looped through it appending valid entries to a new array.

Some people think that web development is easy because they use framework for responsive designs, they dont know the struggle of manually using media query in css.

Spent 3 hours on a simple insert sql query for date. thank you pdo data binding...

When you cache index a faster query but your co-worker from other part of the world clears it.... It's been six times now dude

Export data from a database that you've not modeled is a problem (sometimes), I just realized that this DB has two tables to storage cities, the main difference is the id, the other fields are the same in both tables, I hate that kind of people....

Every time I see the N+1 query problem in people's implementation, I feel like crying. Especially when it's dealing with large data sets of something like 1000 records.

My client (not an engineer) has asked me access to production database and keeps asking an intern to directly query data from it instead of using the API.

Does anyone knows about OLAP cubes, Rollups and whatsoever?

I'm wondering if this query it's overcomplicated...

Just trying to achieve a sum of amounts by month on a year lapse

I updated all the records about 1000+ because I forgot to write the where clause with the update query and it updated every fucking single row with same values.
~God bless backups :)

Fuck, really FUCK the fucking MySQLWorkbench on Mac.
Useless piece of shit.
I fucking touched some fucking buttons and now I can't have my view back with query editor, output results, and schema view.

A fucking hour wasted restarting this shit of a tool touching things, nothing. All to execute a fucking stupid query.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK
I NEED to work, not to understand how your stupid GUI works, designed by a cripple mind with poor IQ and developed by retarded

Big company asking me about query optimization during a DEV position interview... Do you really have no one better than me to optimize your queries?

I'm really afraid of your codebase now... Might decline if I pass...

Today I had my first ever prod db fuckup due to too wide where clause in delete query. Spent 8 hours restoring service. It's 02.09 now and I'm finally home, going to bed.

Interestingly enough I've enjoyed this experience...

!Rant
Dear fellow front end developer, why?, just why would you use "!important" on every property value inside your @media query?

I'm dockerizing this old CMS that needs a database query to resolve URLs for static assets.

Yes, a query for every single static resources. Fuck me.

2 SQL files each one with a SQL query with 200 lines using 2 databases. Life is hard.

fuck sockets, all my niggas query rest endpoints with setintervals

Chatbot that can reply to any sort of questions, query, etc.

When you open problematic code and someone actually queried all the items from db inside for loop... And took only one item on specific index... Instead of iterating over items from query result... 😓😓

How the hell does a query that usually takes ~500ms to run now magically takes 2.5h! What changed in 30mins URGHH

I forgot the fricking ON clause for a important database query. While it didn't crash MY program or greatly effect the performance, I feel sorry for the API that had to deal with the idiotic results of this.

Especially that one request I just spotted, where I just got the answer "the query took too long". That one was like querying the table "females" for males.

Soo fricking sorry 😭😭😭

Fucking mongo, fucking nested documents in nested documents that need to be filtered. I'm either really fucking dumb, the query is hard or both.

What’s a really expensive MySQL Query? I need to add it to a CMS application for “research purposes”.

when you work for Jira and get assigned in Jira’s Jira to write code in Jira Query Language to query Jira’s Jira so other Jira users can query their Jira better

Something I discovered at work today:

A sub procedure that takes three arguments:

A table name
Column list
Where clause

It concatenates all of those values together and executed the dynamically generated query.

Why??????????

To all the people who complain about writing a delete or update query. Not to talk you down, but seriously. STOP WRITING RAW QUERIES AND USE AN ORM!

Callback your functions, not your ex.
Hash is for your data, not you,
Query tables, not your loved ones.

Stop teaching T-SQL on paper. If i have to write one more transactionsafe sql query without a debugger i'm going to fucking kill somebody.

Print("Hello World")

When people design a brand new Postgresql schema (case sensitive) using a mix of upper and lower case letters.
Only to then proceed and escape every single table and column name in every single query.

Love it when you have a SQL query that takes 6.3 seconds (which includes processing time) to execute, and you managed to convert to a process that takes just 0.072 to complete

The problem: callback hell. Code would be indented by three hundred fucking spaces just to do some async work. Your code would end with thirty lines of closing curly brackets

Solution: async and await.

The problem, reborn: NoSQL. Code is indented by three hundred fucking spaces just to run a query. Your query ends with thirty lines of closing curly brackets.

Today I wasted hours trying to do a HTTP POST request by using a query string in the URL. After some hours I realised what I was doing wrong. I'm so stupid.

By changing a single query param any document could be downloaded. Been in production quite a while.

On my first day at new job, a non-technical person used CQRS word while explaining the system. When I asked what's need of such a complex pattern for simple query type service, he simply backed off. 😝

This developer has an media query break point for each style 912 break points. 304 desktop, 304 mobile, and 304 tablet break points. With 18000 line style sheet.

Fuck sequelize, the bloody query generated by the "ORM" give diferent result on the same DB if you trie it on dBeaver (works fine) vs node (shit results).

order DESC have 0 effect on sequelize, but it appears on the logger as part of the query.

I just want to go to sleep ffs.

Updating 4K rows in a table with 4M using Libreoffice Calc to generate the queries.

I know, it's not the best solution, but I'm afraid of the single query solution.

Please, forgive me.

Tip: if you are doing a semi complex or complex query in Django and you have doubts print the SQL statement and analyze it. i.e print(queryset.query)

Just reduced a query to 1 join instead of two by just passing a list of int's instead of a list of objects.

Is there ever any reason for SINGLE Hibernate SQL query/template to join like 10 different tables, do math, and come out to like 30 lines?

This is not a stored procedure, it's a single SELECT

a sql query goes to a restaurant walks up to 2 tables and says , "can i join you"

... a SQL query walked into a bar. It got onto a table and asked, "Can I join you"

Interesting...

On Friday, I was playing with the ChatGPT integration in DBeaver. I was using the DBeaver sample SQLite database. This database has a couple of tables, among them Album and Artist, where Album has a foreign key into Artist.

So, I asked it:

"give me a query that lists all albums from artists who's name starts with s"

The query I got back was:

SELECT * FROM Album

Uhh, okay.

But then, I noticed that I wrote "who's" instead of 'whose', which would be proper grammatically. So, I changed that, and then I got this query:

SELECT * FROM Album WHERE ArtistId IN (SELECT ArtistId FROM Artist WHERE Name LIKE 'S%');

Hooray, that works! I'm not sure it's the best way to write the query... I might have written:

SELECT * FROM album a, artist r WHERE a.artistid=r.artistid AND r.name LIKE 'S%'

...I'd have to check to see if one performs better than the other, and consider which syntax I find clearer, but that's a separate issue, it's just nice to see a working, reasonable query generated because that's the point, after all.

But I found it interesting that such a minor error would cause it to not work, that's my main point.

Interestingly, it seems to have learned: I just tried the same thing, and I got the right query either way. So that's pretty cool.

It's a pretty neat feature and I can see some legitimate value in it. I'm pretty good writing SQL myself... I've managed to write some truly hideously complex queries over the years... but there are definitely instances I can recall where the query didn't seem obvious at the start, and having an AI that can MAYBE produce something that is AT LEAST a starting point is definitely something I can get onboard with.

Spent 2 days optimizing SQL queries, and then I learned a valuable lesson.

If your database size is bigger than the RAM of the machine it’s running on, every query will take 5+ seconds ☹️

Ran a query on a prod server for 50 minutes before realizing I forgot to put my exclusions in the results... Oops.... New query runs in 1.5min. 4500 rows from the potential 340k rows.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

my query syntax was not wrong in retrieving no results

the table's most recent entries are 2018, nothing in any year after that, which i was querying

fml

Control your searches like an ADULT damn it!!!

So we have records that can have any of a bazillion different reference numbers associated with them. No big deal. Everyone does right?

Our customer's love to run reports and so we have this one option for "just look at a hell of a lot of reference numbers". I call it the 'fuck all' search.

Really it is just there to find something that you don't know where a rando string or number might be in the record and just want to do a "fuck all" search across a number of likely fields to find it... and then presumably you'd be an adult and refine your search from there. LOL yeah right...

Customers get lazy and include that stupid option in their reports and we get a lot of.

Customer: "I always run this report (that includes the fuck all search) and now it isn't working. I want records that have ID 2222."

Me: "Yeah well that was only working because you were rando typing '2222' in like several fields and it would find those .... but now you quit doing that so it won't find them. If you want ID 2222, click the drop down and search by 'ID'. That will find it right away."

Customer: "But I want to just search by 'fuck all search' to find it..."

Me: "But then you get all these other records too right?"

Customer: "Yeah but I just delete them out of the spreadsheet ... "

Me: "Look watch this <screen share> there, look all records with an ID of 2222 and no more extra records you need to delete!!! How great is that?"

Customer: "But why do I have to do it this way now, I want to do it the old way..."

ಠ_ಠ

(granted I could add their ID to the fuck all search but we try to avoid adding too much because it gets out of hand / stops being useful the more fuck all it gets)

Spent 4 hours trying to make a query work and failed miserably.

Turns out I was using inverted commas around the value.

What the ....

Created whole UAM System in Product for client. After the deployment client asked me
"In which table should I run the query to create a new user."

Wow...a talented developer created a 3 via SQL execution plan. The query runs like crap but the execution plan art is pretty.

DBSole .. Query your database from Google chrome dev tools :)
For lazy dev who just dont want to switch over phpMyAdmin or Terminal for small query

Rewriting the query for the fifth time because the other four I thought were the last time I was gonna need it.

I turned on slow query log just for funsies and was immediately humbled.

Looks like I've got my next sprint lined up.

Need to write a query to find all scheduled reports, sounds easy, right?

Not in a system with over 1k tables all with obscure names and absolutely no foreign keys at all.

An Android app to query user details using the GitHub api and display them in charts which can be shared on social media.

WHEN I TRY TO SEARCH SOMETHING *NIX RELATED I NEED TO ADD "-ubuntu" TO EVERY FUCKING SEARCH QUERY

FUCKING *****
AND THEIR SHITTY COMMUNITY

TFW when you've been trying to figure out why your apparently flawless JPA database query won't return anything and realize you forgot to populate the database after setting up the docker-image....

I am happy today cause I manage to write a query in which two table have inner join and with third left .. haha...

I mean I was thinking of handling that situation with foreach.. But managed to do it in query by myself :)

Just hoping that query won;t break for different scenarios. But let just be me happy while it last .. I mean my client make some test

A download portal (paid, for GPL sourced software *ugh*) - checking by mail address, query:
email=mail@addr.com
... seems like php code was checking string equality by:

if query == valid_string

WORKED AROUND WITH:
email[]= in the http request

So, remember:
ALWAYS check with ===

Types google in browser, google gives search result for "google", clicks that, then main google page opens( search bar in center) , here he starts the actual query

Had a legacy web forms app to maintain. With some generic event handler. There is a variable called "aDirtyHack" inside the query resolver for the grid. It adds a extra column for one customer.

Searching on Google for some obscure technical possibility but only getting the most common results...And my search query has more words -to -not -include -than -ones -to -include....ugh!

gee-query, gee-boss, angular gee-ass... Ffs, learn to pronounce the letter J!

SSMS 18 just removed my DEBUG button.
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Why...

Today I (/ later together with some colleagues) spent almost 4 hours trying to improve a Entity Framework LINQ to SQL query.
The initial problem was, that one of our List API endpoints took longer the more you "page" (besides the long response time it had anyways).
So after
- brainstorming in the team
- brainstorming alone
- hacking around and
- shouting at screens
- googling
we
- got nothing optimized
- got confused about what EF does
- lost the believe in our development skills

So Entity Framework is really a nice thing. But as soon as you look deeper, trying to figure out what it really does between ToList() and "yeah my data arrived" it is just....demonic.

Do you feel that good too when you find the perfect (any)SQL query?
I feel sooo satisfied!

When you are writing a normal query and just realize cached data can save a lot on performance

Wrote my first parameterised PHP query today and it worked first time. I'm very happy right now :)

All those mine WTF moments are somehow related with caching which i keep on forgetting... the most fresh one was last week, i had some GIGANTIC mySQL query, and for the sake of response time I immediately made a cache function that kept Redis cache for a day or so... so last week i had to change something (good ol' client and his visions for app). So there i was with the query that returned same god damned results every time, i copy the query in some mySQL manager and it goes fine, but in the app it doesn't... what the actual FUCK!!! i was questioning my career until i figured it out, i was planning to buy some sheeps and a fife and to hell with this, a loud facepalm was echoed through the office that day...