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Client : pls put the disclaimer that the site uses cookies.
Me: but we don't use cookies this is a static page
Client: Still, the pop up makes the site look more professional, kindly add the feature asap
Me: :/22 -
Happened just now:
Client: Please remove this page from the site ASAP, and tell me when its done.
Me: Done
Client: what's wrong am getting an error code(404) when I click on the link.
Am not sure how to reply to that13 -
This happened few hours ago.
Client: I received an email which says that I won 1 million dollars. They gave me a link in the email, when I entered my credit card details nothing happened.
Me: Wait what? You entered your credit card details.
Client: Yes
Me: That was a scam, you didn’t win anything. They stole your credit details. Contact your bank ASAP and let them know about this.
Client: You guys are handling our email servers, why can’t you guys keep it safe. What type of security do you guys provide.
Me: Wait what? We host your website application not email.
Client: Damn it. My son said the same thing, but I didn’t listen to him. Anyways Cheers.11 -
Client: we need you to give us access to the code ASAP. We don't like this black box approach.
Me: You have always had access to the code. It is here on this bitbucket repo and your usernames have admin access.
Client: We want the code moved to our GitHub before EOD.
I check out how to move repos over and it's fairly easy.
Me: just give me access to create a repo on your GitHub account and you can have the code moved over.
Client: Sorry it's late in the day and we stepped out to get drinks. (It was 2:30 pm). Not sure why you think there is a rush on this, we'll handle it first thing next week.
Me: WTF14 -
[Client]
We've noticed we gave you the wrong product prices for our new online shop.
[Dev]
Yeah, just login to the backend and fix them.
[Client]
But we don't want to use your fancy backend, we'll be using anyway soon - we want EXCEL!
Could you send us an EXCEL, so we can fix that?
How much will this cost?
[Dev]
Sure... here you are.
Not that much, takes about an hour.
[Client]
Great, you'll hear from us in a few days.
(a few months later...)
[Client]
We've finally managed to update the EXCEL. And btw, we've also added a bunch of columns with product pictures and new properties, highlighted products to delete red, inserted some comments with manual instructions and basically destroyed the entire data structure of this table.
Before I forget... also make sure to get this finished today, we have to go live ASAP. Our marketing campaign is already live.
[Dev]
Well, I'm sorry to say this, but this is not possible.
I'm currently working on another project and it will take me hours to clean up the data you sent me, before even starting to build an import tool for the new data you provided. Better stop the campaign and I'll do my best to get this done by the end of the week. Also it may be a bit costly.
(angry client calls immediately...)
(dev transfers to manager...)
(client transfers to client's boss...)
[Manager]
Ok Dev, I think I was able to explain it to them. However, it would be great if you spend day and night to get this thing out ASAP.
[Dev]
No problem...
I'll just do it by hand to get this out immediately.
(few days later; nearly done, exhausted)
[Client]
Hey Dev, here's another EXCEL.
We've just noticed there were a bunch of errors in the previous one. Please use this instead...
13 -
My boss: "I have an idea for a very important update that we should push to all our apps ASAP."
Me: "I'm not adding a Santa hat to the icons."
My Boss: "............... Carry on"4 -
2 years ago: Connection goes down at the office
Boss: -"Damnit, you are responsible to ensure uptime. Fix a redundant connection asap."
Me: Fixes redundant connection
Today: Connection goes down at the office, failover connection does not work.
Me: Calls ISP and asks what's happened.
ISP: -"Your boss cancelled the account 3 months ago"
...15 -
PM: That screwdriver you built me is really nice. I like how it works with all screws and bolts, does the work itself, etc., but I simply can’t get it to paint, and I really need it to cut my sandwich. Can it cut my sandwich?
PM: Also, since you finished it, the neighbor’s can opener doesn’t work, my dog got fleas, and our screw supplier ran into shipping issues. Fix these ASAP!
Bonus:
Also, remember that hack I forced you to do despite you telling me it wouldn’t work? Yeah it isn’t working. You need to fix that too.20 -
Client wants a beautiful webpage ASAP.
I just discovered the perfect CSS that will magically fix all of their problems:
body {
display : none ! important;
}
The best part is that its mobile friendly by default.
After all,
Simplicity is key 😉12 -
An interview via Skype
HR: (ask some technical questions)
Me: (give some technical answers)
HR: Great! I will send your answers to technical team and let you know asap. Have a nice day!
Suddenly I lost all my interests on that company.3 -
Clients love to use the word "Broken" (or synonymous word).
Client: The program is broken. Fix it ASAP.
Me: Ok, give me some details so I can help you.
Client: No, fix it. *Becomes an ass*
Me: Alrighty then, let me sit here doing nothing for a couple of hours. Then say that I tested the code against your original request, and it's working as intended.
Client: Sounds good.
(Pretty sure that's how it went)2 -
Boss: I saw that you are using {some JavaScript library}, why?
Me: you asked for this functionality and the library is very good for that
Boss: here at our company we do not use code from other people, we write everything ourselves
Me: but this library is very well built, actively developed and supported
Boss: I don't care, please rewrite this component
Suffice to say, I quit that job asap. Whoever thinks it's a good idea write so much code for a small purpose in an application when there is something available open source to use, is stupid. In most cases it's better to use something which is out there than to waste time writing a hardly stable version of it.24 -
Last week, I notified a customer about that their webbserver spewed out several thousands of spam emails every hour, and they have to fix it ASAP.
(I also inform them for the 50th times for the last 2 years that they really need to update their websites so we can update from Debian 5).
The owner of the company forward this to their developers.
Today, I got the answer from them denying everything and blaming our "negligence" and they also dared to question all our technical expertise. shots fired
Spend some hours, finding shit on their websites, dug out logs, read documentation and old conversation and compiled that into a huge email that was designed to put them 10 meters under ground.
mfw I pressed send15 -
We've password protected a file and forgot the password we need it cracking asap.
Sorry we can't crack passwords on files.
If we don't get access to the file it'll cost the company up to 250k.
Well you should've thought about that before encrypting the fucking file with 256 bit encryption.8 -
Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?
Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.
*2 days later*
Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.
Dev: …16 -
Me 5 years ago : "Guys we are gonna have a perf..."
CEO : "Not now, we need to deliver that functionality asap"
Me 3 years ago : "Guys, performances/scalibiluity will hit us like a trucK'
CEO : "Not nowem a new functionality needs to be done ASAP"
Me 1 year ago : "We are gonna be hit by a tank. We won't even understand what happens"
CEO : "I'm sure we can manage"
2 Days ago : Plateform quasiment down, response time in MIONUTES instead of milliseconds, database on fire.
CEO : "WHAT THE FUCK !!! GO FIXC I ASAP WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT HAPPEN".
This is a brief summaru of working in a startup.11 -
Client: I need this *insert app/machine/thing* ASAP! No excuses!
*work overtime just to get it done*
*after 2 weeks of finishing it*
Me: So has the thing worked without issues?
Client: Oh, I haven’t even used it yet!
:/5 -
Client: We need these book genres added to the website ASAP!
PM: Hey dev, its priority #1, please add these genres ASAP!
Dev: Okay, can I get a file which needs to be imported?
Client: Oh we will have that in couple of weeks.
Dev: Okay so write me in couple of weeks.
Client: What kind of company is this? Outrageous!!!5 -
”OMG WE CAN’T GET INTERNET TO WORK! WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING! PLEASE COME AND HELP US ASAP!!!!!”
*rush over there, expecting the worst*
”So yeah, what’s the WiFi password again?”
:|2 -
Me: Whats the deadline?
Client: Asap
Me: And when are we getting paid?
Client: 30 days after you give us the invoice ☺13 -
Alright, it's not perfect yet, only one post exists and the anonymous analytics are hardly working. Next to that I'm tired as fuck and need to go to bed so fuck it, here we go:
https://much-security.nl
There's not much yet, just one tiny post :)
I have no clue if it will work or crash but I think it'll handle well enough 😅
If you'd find any security issues, please don't exploit them, just report them and I'll take a look asap!
Thanks!44 -
Every week is the same. Wake up, new jira ticket. “Build us a pink house”.
*i build a house*
Next day, “URGENT BUG REPORT!!! CRITICAL ISSUE IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT”, click on ticket, “bug report: the house doesn’t have sprinklers”
They didn’t ask for sprinklers. This is not a bug. *i add sprinklers*
Next day, “URGENT BUG REPORT!!! CRITICAL ISSUE IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT ASAP ASAP ASAP”, click on ticket, “bug report: the house is pink.”
HOW IS THAT A BUG TWO DAYS AGO IT WAS LITERALLY A REQUIREMENT
Meanwhile management makes triple my salary6 -
Everyone has these projects sooner or later;
PM: 'You have 2 weeks to finish. It HAS to be done by then because they will start using it ASAP!!'
Me: Working day and night to meet the deadline.
After 2 years PM comes by;
PM: remember that program? They're testing it now. They plan to use it in production.
Rghuu*~ (that's me dying a little on the inside)3 -
Manager: "Pls deploy the changes ASAP."
Me: "Right away."
Me: *creates pull request*
... 5min later ...
GitHub: "Some checks haven't completed yet."
... 45min later ...
GitHub: "Some checks haven't completed yet."
Me: *looks into delay*
CircleCI: "Partial System Outage"
——
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻2 -
Boss: you must fix this bug asap
Dev: I need more time for a proper fix so I will just hack a workaround
Boss: yeah, whatever. You can find a proper fix after the release.
... this happend several years ago and the workaround is still in place...8 -
When you finally snap at your PM for setting every deadline to "As soon as possible":
SAY. ASAP..ONE. MORE. TIME.
4 -
I just hit the scales this morning. I need to lose 10 kg ASAP.
My brain loves programming but my body hates it.19 -
The satisfaction/get rekt feeling when I do this.
When a client sends an email asking us to do something "ASAP" and end it with "thanks in advance!" while it's something that we have user guides for.
"Dear {client.name},
I'd like to point you to a tutorial we have about this on our online help desk: {tutorial.link}.
Have a great day!"
Ha, rekt!15 -
Boss: We want this feature ASAP, how will it take from your time?
Me:*giving honest estimation* about 4 days, there are many details to handle..
Boss: oh, we need it tomorrow evening, I said to the client it'll be ready..
SO WHY YOU ASKING ME FOR ESTIMATION YOU F**
😠🤬12 -
Dev: Hey, I need you to see something.
Client: ok
Dev: this is the models of those reports you need
Client: ok, wait, what is that number? This is wrong, we can't...
Dev: hey, calm down, this is not the production, it's just fake database!
Client: ah, ok.
(5 minutes of explantion)
Dev: so, what do you think?
Client: just one point, that data is very very wrong, we need to change this ASAP!7 -
The way things are prioritized:
Emergency
Critical
ASAP
Do first
Top priority
Urgent
Urgent ASAP
Major urgent
Fuck sakes.. 😣12 -
10am: meeting invite for 9:30pm my time.
*decline with comment: can’t attend*
9:40pm: email, “is anyone from engineering going to attend?”
*ignored*
10:05pm: email, ok the results of the call were X, Y and Z. But we’ve been asked to supply architecture diagrams (which don’t exist). Can we do this today?
*ignore*
10:45pm: email, guys this is urgent can we do this ASAP!
*ignore*
... welcome to the new world bitches, bite me6 -
Happened half a year ago (parents both use Linux although they're very a-techie).
*Dads laptop comes back from store after a repair*
Dad: (on the phone) hello son, could you help me out? they put some weird stuff on my laptop at the repair centre...
Me: Weird stuff? like what?
Dad: It's a virus I think
Me: A virus??
Dad: Definitely a virus!
Me: And what is this virus called?
Dad: Windows 10!
Me: Oh yes coming over asap to get that removed!
I put elementary OS on it again when i went to visit my parents.
17 -
One of our internal customers to my team: "We need this new feature to be implemented as soon as possible! It's super urgent!! Work on it asap!! PEOPLE ARE DYING!!"
Us: "Ok, we'll prioritize this feature and deliver it as soon as we can"
Them: "Is it ready yet?"
Them: "Is it ready yet?"
Them: "Is it ready yet?"
Them: "Is it ready yet?"
... One month later ...
Them: "Is it ready yet?"
Us: "We're done! We implemented everything as promised! Please give us your credentials so that we can whitelist you and you can start using the new service"
Them: "Okay, we will get back to you"
... Two months have passed since then and still not a single word from them. I'm starting to wonder: are they still alive? 🤔4 -
Client: "Dear Mr. I still have not received the final version yet. I had planned to send it out to my customers at the end of the week."
-------
Me (1st answer I did not give):
"Ok. I accept your statement as true, since I did not send you anything. Furthermore I respect your wish."
Me (2nd answer I did not give):
"Well I am sorry. Before today you did not once mention that there was a deadline. ASAP is not how I do things. Please do your project management."
Me (answer I gave): "Dear Client, due to a huge demand for our services we are forced to prioritise. We are doing our best to complete the project as fast as possible. Please understand however that we can not reschedule with 3 days notice. Because of technical requirements the product can be send on Friday next week. Please let us know if this works out for you. - Kind regards. Me. "
-__-""""4 -
Me: Dear Boss, what should I do first? Thanks 😇
1. Rush
2. ASAP
3. Urgent
4. Important
5. Priority
6. I Need That Now5 -
Manager: We will be building a new app. THIS TIME EVERYTHING MUST BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, ANYTHING LESS THAN TOP QUALITY WORK WILL BE REJECTED!!
*Not even 2 days into the new project*
Manager: Ok that’s good enough, we can fix it later. Can you go quicker on the next feature? Just sacrifice a bit of quality so we get these tickets closed as fast as possible. I said we can fix it later. Getting tickets closed asap is top priority.
Dev: …3 -
"We are expecting you to start working asap..and complete the frontend (of a webapp that's expected to take 2 months to develop) in 2 weeks "
" So do I expect to get paid X amount for this ?"
" Let's make that X/2"
Fuck off you dipshits.. You expect quality work and fast work ..then get ready to pay at least by market standards.5 -
Client : hey why does your app minimize once I receive a call? Fix this ASAP! Also why does it show *that*? I have not turned anything on!
Me : Sorry, not possible (explains), you might want to contact Google (for the lolz). Also, the feature is shown by default, you can turn it off via Menu - Settings - Navigation - xxx.
Client : Can you make the incoming call popup smaller when using your app?
Me : Unfortunately no, that's not something I can do. Contact LG.
Client : I have been to Menu - Settings - Map - XXX and the feature is still shown, why does your software not work? Also *this and that* is not shown anymore!
Me : You turned off the wrong thing... *jumps out of the window* *contemplates life* *cries* *dies*1 -
During a meeting with the client
Client: I don't care how long it takes to complete the app, I want the app to be polished and give the users the best experience!
Us: Got it.
*Later that day*
Client: *wants to implement a new feature in the app*
Us: It'll take us a day or two.
Client: That long?! I need to get it to the market ASAP!
Us:.......
:D -
Here is my list of horrible techs which are common in my current and previous workplace which should be extinct ASAP:
SAP
SharePoint
Java applets
Java Swing desktop apps
C# Windows Forms desktop apps
ASP/JSP
VB
RemoteApp
Shitty insecure php web apps
Micorsoft Access DB
Windows XP
Windows Servers
Closed Linux-based appliances which lack many basic GNU software and are forbidden to tamper with
Every single Symantec product
Post yours below19 -
Me to customer, several years ago:
Your server is over 10 years old, and the support for it will soon be gone together with the possibility to take backups. You should upgrade your website ASAP.
Customer said:
ok, we will look into it.
This day:
Customer:
Hi, our site is down and we need backups from yesterday. Can you please fix?
Me:
Sorry, no. *send copy of the email several years ago*2 -
My instincts are telling me that i should resign from this company asap.
My team lead knows a to z of the project and he is the all rounder guy here. If my team lead leaves, I could be the one replacing him. But i don't want to accept this kind of responsibility.
My life goal is to not get sucked into the 9 to 5 life or work in this kind of environment.
The only pro i find is that i now have few more cool friends.
But I'd rather be be my own boss and work 24/7.
I now feel like living a lie going to work everyday..8 -
Bad news:
Everyone now wants their damn solution done "ASAP". Yet they fail to provide basic information. They never show up at any meeting. And ignore all my emails. FUCK!
Good news:
It's Taco Tuesday.1 -
A tip to tech folks from my personal xp.
If you fuck up and make an impacting mistake in your company, like taking PROD down, noone is going to fire you on spot. Assign some more mandatory trainings - maybe. So you'd be more careful next time.
See, it's not worth getting rid of someone who made a mistake. You should be seated down and insisted to fix it. If you don't - then they might consider firing it. If you do fix it [with help or alone] - you become a more valuable asset to the company as you prove you are responsible for your actions and you take it seriously. You show that you can clean up your own shit and you don't need a babysiter next to you.
If you simply make a mistake and they replace you with someone else, that someone else is likely to be unaware of your mistakes and is doomed to repeat them. It's just bad for business.
Ofc if you making mistakes becomes a tendency rather than an exception, it's also a red flag for the business.
Don't get too laxed! And always answer for your shit. Never hide a fuckup - always alarm about it asap so that corrective actions could be taken by respective organs of the company while you are fixing it.
Come up with an action plan, announce it. Estimate resources you need [like help from others] - announce that too. Update concerned parties every half an hour or so about the status. If you find you need anything else while fixing it or you come across some blockers/delays/change of impact - always announce asap. Do avoid false alarms and disinformation.
// inspired by someone's rant today7 -
Finally got time to share my new laptop. I love its rgb backlight keyboard. I will buy a NVMe SSD and second monitor asap.
6 -
So yesterday I said to my private laptop update and shutdown...
Fast forward to this morning. Hell breaks loose. Have to fix it asap! We have downtime. But fucking windows update!!!
You fucking peace of shit should have done this yesterday. And why does it have to take so long.
11 -
Had to get an app moved to a new test server “ASAP”. Got it done, emailed the tester, got the response “Great! We will start testing middle of next month.” Why is my side the only one that needs to rush?2
-
Is it just me, or has @LastPass hired too many interns lately?
First: you can't login for hours before they actually go and admit they fucked up.
Now: the chrome extension has been deleted from the web store.
I'm a patient guy, but what on the unholy fuck is going on.
https://status.lastpass.com/
The LastPass extension in the Chrome Web Store was accidentally removed by us and we are working with the Google team to restore it ASAP. Thank you for your understanding and patience in the meantime.9 -
CEO: if we would not give new features, clients would be bored and would not pay for tool.
me: but don't you think we should fix buggy old code, that would reduce effort and time that we daily invest in prod bugs?
CEO: I'm not saying we should not fix them but we should maintain the balance which is 80-20. 80% of our work would include adding new features.
😑
Next day in morning receives email:
There is a production issue, fix it asap.
😬10 -
Mgmt: We need performance metrics' comparison for those 2 tests ASAP, we'll ping you every 5 minutes
AWS Cloudwatch: *unusually slow - takes ~2 minutes to add/remove a metric or change the timeframe*
Me: *fuck*
AWS Autologout: "Let me just intervene here right before you take that screenshot that took you 1.5 hours to filter out..."
1 -
Had to sticker these 2 up. Lenovo was Win 10 and the HP was Ubuntu 16.04. Gave the Lenovo away cos my sis needed a new laptop asap for her work with many clients. Wherever she goes, those two stickers on the Lenovo will be spreading devRant greetings/love. Told her not to take them off. 😁
3 -
Client: I want to change the wording on the page. If I inspect element I find the word I want to change, but it won’t let me change it. How can I change it please? I am very disappointed this is not working. What is the point in you developing all this if I cannot save changes to my website. Please fix this ASAP.
MFW they think updating a website is just as simple as using element inspector in chrome because they have seen me use it to quickly mock up some css changes.5 -
---- BEGIN RANT ----
Microsoft Exchange
---- END RANT ----
I have to fix this fucking fucked up thing again. Fuck.
The dude who wanted to use it does not have the skills to fix it. Fuck off. This bullshit is going to get migrated asap17 -
Any eyedropper tool on linux that works in 2 click or shortest amount possible? Like instant eye dropper tool on windows, I don’t need stupid pallete on the color picker, I just want to grab the color asap with little effort18
-
Just an ionic app that I need to work on.
In the former dev defense, it was meant for mobile while I'm running it on Iridium on macOS, don't know if that counts
Anyways send help ASAP!
16 -
Sales: "There is a problem in complicated feature A, in a client system!
Dev: "What is the problem"
Sales: "I don't know exactly"
Dev: "which client system? What version is installed?"
Sales: crickets.
Dev: "Do you a Jira ticket, or an email with more details?"
Sales: "It is urgent that we fix the problem ASAP!"
Dev: "what problem"
Sales: "The problem! I talked to the VP RnD, So he can make sure you are on it!"
Dev: "What exactly do you me to fix"
Sales: "The Problem!"8 -
FOR FUCK SAKE MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND !!!!
Been working on an app at work for 9 months and now PM tells me customer wants to change flow of the app!!!
Kill me please ASAP!6 -
A client, who don't know about programming. But only wants to finish the project ASAP
Me - It's complicated to implements this new feature.
Client - It's easy!3 -
I'm a junior developer working on a project that's completely out of my scope. I've missed deadline after deadline and my boss + the customer are getting very pissed off and impatient. This project has got me feeling sick. I'm not sleeping well and honestly thinking about leaving my job just because of this 1 project.
I've tried speaking with my manager but she just says, complete it ASAP to the best of your ability. It will take me months to get it right but I am really struggling.
I'm just looking for some advice please? Has anyone else been through this? Do you think leaving is stupid?
Thank you ranters 😃13 -
Happens every day:
"could you please fix those bugs ASAP? Testers are waiting for it"
*resolve the issue and inform the requester*
(two weeks later)
"Thanks, I'll inform the testers they can begin their tests"
Ugh, how ASAP makes everything seem so urgent and important
-
NUKE IT FROM ORBIT. It was when i was doing an assignment with my roommate, i was compiling something on my pi and ran netstat afterwards for no reason. I had an ssh-connection from china (logged in too). The pi was shutdown ASAP, i salvaged everything i needed from the sd and dd'ed raspbian on the disk again.
Turns out you were able to login via root (i thought i disabled it) with the password i set (root...). I learned from this, now external logins are only allowed via private key and i have fail2ban set up3 -
Project manager sends mass email out for the 5th time about how things are needed ASAP. We're already overloaded. Sprint planning was thrown out the window a month ago. But the email is in comic sans.3
-
Freelance project I was working on was deployed. Without my knowledge. At 11pm. Their in-house "tech guy" thought that the preview build i gave them was good enough for deployment. Massive bug, broke their api endpoints.
Got a call at 2 in the morning,asking for a fix. I told them how it was their fault and the App they deployed had TESTING written right on the main screen.
They promised additional payment to get me to fix it asap.
Went through the commit history (thank goodness their tech guy knew git, fuck him for committing on production though) and the crash reports.
Removed three lines. All became right with the world again. 😎2 -
Howdy my binary friends and those who identify as an attack helicopter or an Amiga 500, I was away from devRant for about 2 weeks or 4 because I had to order a new touchscreen (who cares anyway).
Have I missed something on devRant?
Let me just freshen up my dictionary with Alex's rants, be right back.20 -
# PROD
* 10 app instances running
* 1 instance starts burning up 100% cpu
* we ask for a Thread Dump (stack traces)
* we get a TD taken after they manually restarted the instance
* they: "Please investigate. We need this fixed ASAP"
* .....
EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! Not once in recent years have they managed to take a TD correctly. What kind of a retarded monkey do you have to be for this to not sink in for YEARS!
Who tf put those idiot monkeys there in the first place...8 -
When they don't know about the concept of MVP (minimum viable product), expects everything to be perfect at v1.0 and wants it to be done ASAP #FML2
-
Massive payment gateway (not gonna say names) with more then 10k transactions / hour telling md5 is one of most secure encryptions they have. Only to made worse by the fact that they send the key and hashed key in the same request.
I am advising all our clients to change payment gateway asap if they use this one.1 -
Boss told us to make a tickets app.
Tickets will have to_be_completed_by date
Devs in our team allowed that to be in the past. Because our manager consistently says he wants stuff done like yesterday!3 -
Found out today my boss told the team lead to put an unfinished part of the software that I'm developing into production so the clients 'could look at it already'. Team lead claims he objected but boss insisted. So now our error logs are filling up with lines every time it silently fails, and the pressure is on even harder to make it work asap. This has been going since the start of the week and I found out about it now. Boss told team lead it looks better to the clients this way. Meanwhile I'm just thanking the heavens this at least couldn't cause data loss. Probably. *panic intensifies*5
-
ENV: *runs flawlessly for months*
DEVS: *deploy a code change*
ENV: *crashes and bursts in tears*
DEVS: "PerfEng Team, your environment is broken! Please fix it ASAP" -
Please check xy ASAP IT'S URGENT!!
I'm already checking before client even finished writing.
Forcefully disconnected from server by client.
Ok, not THAT important I guess.. :/8 -
Am I the only backend developer around here who doesn't enjoy building UIs and tries to get it done ASAP just to go back to backend code?
my App's UI looks ugly as shit because of this.9 -
Most of our university courses are stuck in the early 2000. Feels like it's mostly due to lazy professors who just use the same material year after year.
What do you think?
It feels like I'm not learning anything useful anymore. Should get out of here ASAP.10 -
anyone else have their own side projects where they follow no structure and pretty much make spaghetti code just to get it finished asap so you can make money off the system you are building? lol. not proud of the code i wrote today but damn did I get a lot of functionality implemented.8
-
Boss: we can't accept your MR request until you fix the problems we highlighted, everything is blocked and the client is getting angry
My brother in Christ, I understand your concerns but I need you to understand: you decided to block a perfectly working and documented PR because you didn't like having "<!-- -->" in a couple of HTML files and menial bullshit like that.
It may not be the most elegant thing ever but don't put on me the responsibility of your blocks or I'll smash your face with the coffee mugs I've used to work until midnight so that you could deliver the product in time after someone else delayed the deadline twice already.
Thanks and get fucked ASAP.3 -
Worst possible coworker ever, narcisit beyond belief.... When something new arrived, sealed, he would open asap, break it (audibly and visibly) in front of everyone and proclaim it came in broken from the manufacturer.... He was absolutely incapable of reflection, logic or compassion in any way.2
-
"Yeah, I got your e-mail, I see the subject. Oh no, dude, it says urgent so it went straight to the URGENT queue. Yeah? Ah. Sure, I'll get to it as soon as I get through the ASAP, NOW and YESTERDAY queues. Well, if you wanted me to read it right away you should've say there's NO HURRY - I read only one no-hurry e-mail a day but there's currently 0 tasks on that queue."
-
Customer demands some complicated shit be done within a few hours to align with their schedule.
Me: this is not aligned with reality.
Customer: ...1 -
When my clients expect me to finish the software architecture ASAP and accuse me of procrastinating : Do i really need to explain how thinking works? 😤1
-
The new Miui 10 is truly beautiful, sadly almost all dark themes now break something though, so hope somebody will come up with a proper one asap24
-
Me asking my boss some deadline information through email: "Should this feature be added ASAP or delayed until the new year"
Him: "Yes"
Which one damnit?!6 -
Manager gave me a project he wanted to be done fast. Spoke with the guy who wanted the feature asap . After 4 days of hard work and testing sent a email to the guy who wanted the feature asap, requesting access to ftp where to periodically upload the output data. Day 3 still no answer.1
-
Don't you just love it when a customer reports a bug in their live system and it's really urgent to correct it; then you go out of your way to fix it ASAP and deploy it to the staging system for them to verify. Three weeks later the customer has still not tested the bugfix...1
-
Ever have to put your work on hold due to being called into a 2 hour meeting to discuss how important it is that we need this thing finished asap.1
-
There is this abstract class with a single public method in it.
Above it a comment, change back to protected ASAP.
That comment is from 20131 -
People that say they want things ASAP. But really mean "no rush, whenever you get to it". Can go fuck themselves.3
-
It's actually right now. I'm looking forward to my interview at another company today.
So sick of getting angrier everyday.1 -
#LifeRightNow
- need to find a new place and roommates to live with
- my gf's father doesn't want us to marry.
- my joint family wants to get separated.
- my boss wants me to be at our primary office ( i work remotely ) asap irrespective of anything since it is our biggest production yet.
- i am about the least productive i can be from last couple of weeks.
- going through a serious allergic condition.
#FuckMyLife8 -
"Customer's customer needs important thing ASAP!!!!"
"Ok wut"
"X, Y, Z!"
"Sounds good, we can do that, for what customer's customer!?!?"
"uhhhhhhh"
The volume of really important shit that we don't have details on is too damn high...1 -
DevRanter: *shares some inconvinience at work*
Other Ranters: Dude, Quit your job. Sell your house. Get a divorce ASAP. Give your kids up. Fly to another country. Disappear from everybody's lives. Start a new life. Change your identity.
#lol5 -
Email (not a ticket) comes in this morning: "You need to make X change to y thing, yesterday!!" with of course the obligatory million + 1 Cc's including unrelated directors across multiple sites.
Me as my helpful self: I expected this request, I'll get it sorted asap
Director 1: *calls*
Me: I'm working on it
Manager: *calls*
Me: I'm working on it
Submitter: *calls*
Me: ignore
Director 2: *calls*
Me: I'm working on it
..............
As a bonus rant, after implementing the change, manager calls and criticises my technical explanation to the submitter who I know is fully capable of understanding the way it was explained 😂
Happy Thursday!3 -
My heart tells me to continue to phd, but my shopping habits say I need to finish the master ASAP and get a well-paying job.6
-
Ticket: We were able to get the site launch, but we lost some functionality on x. Can you fix ASAP?
Not a single url, didn't even know they were going to launch, or where. There must be an achievement for this. 🤡4 -
Regarding the Area 51 news. These guys are really stupid. They’ll deservedly got shot soon as they come close enough to the fence, and even if they get over, then what??
Anyone who know anything, knows that you need to spawn a jet pack, get to the second hanger ASAP, and jump in the Rhino. They can’t touch you after that, even with 5 stars!!6 -
Hey Spectrum! It'd be pretty wicked if you could email me or shoot me a text the next time you decide to do maintenance that will result in service outages!
It's not that hard to shoot a text that says "Hey Stuxnet! We gonna be doing some maintenance, so ya internet's probably gonna be down for a bit. We'll get that shit up and running asap tho my man."2 -
I'm currently tired, stressed, anguish and frustrated.
I have a live issue(a bug to hot fix asap), 7 files to reprocess to be finished by tomorow, 2 enhancements( 1 under pre-live testing, 1 for live release), and an unstable internet connection today. Tomorrow is saturday. Clock is ticking.
How am i suppose to finish everything on time? :(7 -
Don't you love it when out of a sudden tests fail because backend guys decided to change JSON response of one of the endpoints used.
aaaaaaah! can't this day just end ASAP!2 -
Ever had that frustrating moment that the customer overreacts a small issue into a big issue? Just happened to me today.
Client: "Hey can you check why we are not getting any software update/patches to our firewall?"
Me: "OK. Lemme check"
** Checking **
Me: "I found that its not getting the latest updates because the license file registered has a product serial # mismatch with their support site. You can see it clearly here..."
Client: "THAT'S TERRIBLE!! QUICK!! MAKE IT A PRIORITY 1 ISSUE AND HAVE IT RESOLVE ASAP!!!"
Me: *Facepalm*1 -
This bus driver really has to stop wasting my fucking time. He was 8 minutes late in the first place (this line is NEVER late) and then he took a 10 minute detour which means I'll be 2 trains late for work. Fucking great start on the week!5
-
Long time no rant from me. Sorry guys, has been a tough time for me.
Little background: I'm an apprentice and as such definitely not a fully trained professional. I'm working in a big company with people who have very let's say interesting ideas what I should be able to do.
This whole disaster begins shortly after I started my apprenticeship. I was offered to choose my first little project. "Something from the backlog, not very challenging and a nice beginner one. It's just about a PoC" ok, le me thinks. I choose to make a weather display.
Basic functionality was provided within the next 3 weeks. My direct boss (let's call him Jo) liked it and talked to his boss (Hugo) about it. Hugo was so excited he called our product manager to get my plugin into our software asap and began to think about where else we could use this.
This is where shit went downhill. Hugo told me it was my task to implement it on a totally different platform and to "host it in azure". I don't know much about azure and I never used it. I told him that I'd need time and some kind of sandbox to try and learn how things work. He promised but nothing ever came through. Not even Jo could do something about this.
They told me I should write this asap because "every customer would LOOOOVE this" and I honestly can't think of a way to meet all their requirements without access to our azure system/ sandbox. (There are a lot of requirements)
Am I wrong? Should I be able to do this? I'm a fucking trainee. I don't know everything.7 -
Did you know that commenting '+1' or 'OMG I really need this, pliiz can I haz this asap?' just spams hundreds of mailboxes? Use that little star above there. It's appreciated. Thanks.
5 -
Oh for fucks sake, I only agreed to fix one fucking problem in your shit hole of a wordpress hell, not everything your sorry excuse of a "wordpress expert" fucked up.
We need time travel asap!2 -
Shiieet ... I lost my appetite to learn new things and technology 😐😔 this pendemic need to stop asap.5
-
this.isrant = true
Visual studio YOU BITCH!
2 hours of struggling to enable VT-X for docker but never seeming to be enabled when I boot back from the BIOS, turns out the motherfucking IDE sneakily enables hyper-v when I install Windows phone SDK, which I apparently need for xamarin. Well Microsoft? GO FUCK YOURSELF. I ONLY USE YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! I hate Microsoft and it's sneaky background shit that I don't know about and would probably freak out about if I did. I'm swapping to Ubuntu with MSSQL and MonoDevelop ASAP4 -
Help!
Need a motivation asap.. some weird and cool GitHub project can be a good boost to my productivity.
Thanks 😻6 -
That moment when returning correct HTTP status codes from an API become a feature request 😒
For the meantime I will need to deal with endpoints returning status 200 for everything, and status 500 when the service crash. 🤦🏼♂️4 -
My boss: Can you write something to append the product names with their descriptions?
Sure. Sure you want that?
Yes. Asap please.
Okay, I'll finish it this today.
*Done
Finished it, want me to publish this to production?
Yeah.
(One week later)
Did you put those name changes online?
Yes, why.
Oh damn, your co-worker, D. Trump, has changed a lot of the names so they index better on Google. You should check those kind of things before changing it online.
Right..
Concerns a few thousand products. Long story hah
Tldr; updated many product names overriding many hours of manual labour.7 -
Every job interview I go through I feel more certain that I need to get out of my job asap and more doubtful that I wanna work with these companies.
-
The company now is making us work again on Saturday.
They want to 2 guys (me and the mobile developer) to entire systems for them in a 1-month time span.
I need another job asap.11 -
After reading so many peoples rants about Wix ads, I have been asking myself, "Why in the fuck are people on here seeing Wix ads? What in the hell happened to their adblock?! Did their adblock quit? Is adblock missing? Why is no one concerned that adblock is missing?! We need milk cartons and a search party formed ASAP!"1
-
isRant = true
Am I the only one who has to deal with an annoying coworker who has the urge to take every conversation into an argument to prove himself smarter than everyone in the team? A person who has to contradict every time with rest of the people just to prove himself smarter and different.
Gets so annoying sometimes that I stop answering him right away.
To add to this he is the person from our dev team who has to prove that he codes the fastest and want to get it deployed ASAP. Does not follows best practices and disregards and design patterns. Would argue for hours on his code with the peer reviewer.
Every one hates him for this and he things he is the dev rockstar2 -
Panicking awake a minute before the 7:00 am alarm thinking you overslept, knowing you have an 8 am meeting and that you need to make sure you’re fully conscious for it which means taking your ADHD meds ASAP and not getting distracted for an hour as per the usual.
Then getting a message at 7:13 that the meeting is going to be repurposed and your attendance is no longer necessary. 🙃1 -
Client: "We need a quote for a website build."
Me: "OK. What kind of website?"
Client: "We are working on a brief now, but we need a cost ASAP."
Me: "Alright. It should cost between $X and $Y. Dependent on the brief."
Client: "We can't go back with a range. We need a set price."
Me: "Well, give me a solid Functional Specification, and I'll give you a price based on that."
Client gave me a Func Spec. I gave them a price. Then they gave me change after change after change...
But they refused to pay more than the initial fixed price. By the end of it, I would have been better off working at McDonalds.4 -
An actual email thread:
G: I need this done
Me: okay. Whats the priority, when's the due date, who are the stakeholders, what's the sensitivity level of the data?
G: Priority is ASAP, due date is ASAP, stakeholders are ALL OF IT, and i want to be able to control the data sensitivity level
...
Those arent ANSWERS; they're REQUESTS!!!9 -
Today at 'Derp & Co' is the end of the last sprint, no one have close all the task asigned. Myself included.
- that sucks...
Because there are task from previos sprints still in TODO that block other tasks.
- oof
But there is more... Yesterday was the deadline of the project. From today and onwards the client get discount.
- oof (but fair to the client)
Management have in mind AT LEAST 4 more weeks of development.
- But... how... wtf?
In 2 weeks part of the hardware we need for the project will return to the client.
- <smash the door and leave>
Management still is asking if we can do it on time...
- yeah... just call the Doctor, we need a TARDIS ASAP2 -
I told my client that I'm attending a conference and I'm out for few days.
He wished me well.
He then proceeded to write me messages and emails each day to "make sure" if I didn't work on his shitty website.
I can't do it anymore I'd love to finish this and ditch him asap...2 -
The marketing dept comes to me and ask for an important project to be done ASAP. Builds pressure on my PM to get it done fast. After I complete it, I ask them to complete UAT to make sure it is what they wanted so we can go live. They seem to not have enough time to test it. After one month the whole dept gets divested! Is this common or I am unlucky? They never used that very important app ever!!😢😠2
-
What pisses me off most: on-site team/client team not specifying a non reproducable issue properly in an email and expecting a quick fix for it ASAP, making me run in circles.3
-
👦🏻 : I Enter office.
🕵🏻 : 8 emails from client with subject line "Urgent Fire! Fix ASAP".
👦🏻 : Opens Application and everything seems normal.
-- Another email 5 mins later --
🕵🏻 : Oops sorry! It was my browser cache.
👦🏻 : 🙄3 -
Guys!! I Need help asap
My pc has become sentient and is starting to imitate me.
I'm afraid I've created sky net. I don't want to be the destroyer of earth... :'(
...
...
He's watching cat videos...1 -
Attention guys and gals! If you are using grafana in your home setup, update it asap to 4.6.4 or 5.2.3. versions before those two are affected by an authentication bypass vulnerability. CVE 2018-15727
In the meanwhile, my nginx config is blocking everything but the LAN ips :) -
I just remembered an annoying experience I once had,
Wanted to know cli version asap (due to some bug introduced in a certain version):
-v (output: view --help for command)
--version (output: view --help for command)
FUCK
--help (revealed: -version)
Wanted to know it's dependency version:
-version (output: view --help for command)
FUCK
--help (revealed: version)
You could call me lazy for not always typing --help first but there must be a standard for this time sensitive command.1 -
What I learnt after 3 hrs of debugging for a stupid issue today ?
Lesson 1 - Getting some unknown error even though your code ks right and no error in logs ? Check you SQL version and its rules.
Lesson 2 - phpmyadmin is fuckin shit ass software
Lesson 3- I need to learn JavaScript for backend ASAP3 -
PM: Page load times are up. It might be your API blocking requests.
Me: Possible, though most of my load testing was performed against a random sample of requests at nearly 5 times the expected average per minute rate. I can add some logs but I think this is a red herring theory.
PM: Yes add logs, and New Relic and get it released ASAP.
Me: To confirm, you want me to make a bunch of diagnostic changes to a mission-critical API the day before Holiday break...
I felt like that guy from the Apollo 13 team warning Gene Kranz that the LEM was not built for this and I can make no guarantees... Released an hour before we went home for the weekend. -
Plot: Senior management, "lets fire this guy asap !!!"
Twist: It's been several months and the management has not communicated, spoken or done anything to this guy.
WTF is going on here. 😕1 -
I told you fucking moron clients doing that "little" change would be complicated and in the worst case it would end fucking up your whole spaghetti crap. A really HUGE spaghetti monster of that you aren't aware because you guys don't know a shit about coding conventions.
*Clients call me complaining about their software is broken*
-Hey, we're in serious trouble. Our users aren't being able to see the proper calculated values. Why that little change had so much side effects?
- I already told you why.
- Can you fix it asap? Our clients are complaining.
- No. Deploy an old copy of the affected modules while you give me a prudent time to refactorize that crap.
- Refactorize?
- ...
I used to work in their place, 3 years later I quit that crappy job and decided to make them my clients. I escaped from the micromanaging thing but I didn't from their ugly practices.
Anyways, I have to fix this shit asap. Money talks, at least until I can find a better client. -
all companies want hire you asap and all those companies also wants you to sign a contract with at least one month notice leave2
-
A: Please build a Website for our new product.
A: Please use fancy technology, Animations and stuff!
B: OK, but $_things won't Work on mobile
A: mobile is Not our target audience. No Problem, optimize it for big Screens only.
B: it's 2017 - we need a mobile optimized Page, are u sure?
A: yes, so what i say
A week later...
B: hey a, here is Your preview. Optimized for big Screens, and i didn't Care much about mobile.
A: HEY B, YOU NEED TO FIX $FUNCTIONS ASAP!! THEY DON'T WORK ON MOBILE -
When you raise a ticket with your support team that your prod server is currently down and they mark it as a medium request, like dude... seriously?! Get it sorted ASAP paleaaaaase4
-
Second week sick I see how my life slowed down and how meaningless everything around is, everyone is rushing about some bullshit, name it new amazing job opportunity, black Friday great deal, super duper product idea or some most important bug on production that we need to fix asap.
All that can’t wait a week when I’m healthy?
Seriously, people lost their minds in today’s world to some bullshit.
I’m to old and to depressed to care about such idiotic things. Living my life as I want and on my own peace, don’t care everyone is running, I’m slowly walking and I like it.
It’s better to walk straight than run around like an idiot.1 -
Need to finish a demonstration ASAP as I'm already behind schedule.
(don't judge me ಠ_ಠ)
Start working, laptop restarts for fuck knows why and doesn't wanna log in.
Now this..
THANKS MICROSOFT!
5 -
So my Bank Account Number ends with 1 and I had given my details to a person for processing some amount. He got the number wrong and put 0 instead of 1 at the end. After exchanging mails regarding the delay in processing , i got to know about the problem.
So i called him and said - "So i can see that you have got the A/c number wrong. Because you have set the rightmost bit to 0 and it should be 1. umm sorry , i mean - it ends with 1 and not 0 !"
He takes a pause and says - "Ohhh! Really Sorry about that. I will fix it ASAP. And your coffee is on me. Just consider it one's compliment! "2 -
Be nice, they said.
StackOverflow should be more welcoming, they said.
C00lHoker99 is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct, they said.
Oh, for fucks sake...
Nobody is going to be nice to drunk hobo that shits in the middle of the library.
Duplicate, no MCVE, bluntly offtopic and "do my job plz asap" questions doesn't deserve any niceness from community.
If you feel like SO isn't welcoming, that's certainly your fault.
And what now? Instead of answering good questions and being **nice to nice fellows** we are swimming in Pacific Crapocean. Nnnnnniiiiiicccceeee2 -
Someone : this is not critical, if you have more important task or deadlines, prioritize it first.
Me : doing my more important task/deadlines
Someone, chatting me every hour : Is it ready? I need to submit it ASAP!!!!
What a pain in the ass!!!! -
Why is it that EVERYTIME before going on vacations I am loaded with work, that production problems are sent to me and must be fixed ASAP, and that everyone needs me right away all the time. Manage your time stop sucking out mine 😤
-
Was using my Arch linux and made a usual -Syu update, and what a fuck: my mesa driver went crazy, sddm fucked up, and I couldn't load my favorite KDE!
Fortunately installed GNOME, and customized it a bit, but damn, miss my desktop
Gonna do all posible to repare this bug ASAP))
8 -
Imagine you're building an app that users can make payments to each other(thats not the main feature anyway), what payment API would you use? that users won't have to leave your app to make the payments, they just supply a kind of payment id from the api and get paid ASAP5
-
I'm not exactly a programmer right now but I'm trying my best to become one ASAP. Hats off to you guys. The toughest part is finding motivation and time.5
-
I hate when companies use "hackable" as a feature. Pal, if my product was hackable I'd fix it ASAP.
They should just use customisable or something like that.2 -
Guys, I need a proper, fairly cheap and with high transfer website hosting ASAP. Any recommendations?14
-
Gitlab keeps telling me that I should 'update ASAP' but I can't. What the fuck ubuntu is it too hard to upgrade someting to the latest version? Or am I just simply too stupid? Fuck!2
-
This has annoyed me.
I sent my CV off to a company, they came back quite quickly and wanted to give me a phone interview. It had some technical questions, which I did well on and they gave me a test.
I liked the look of the company so I did the test asap, and passed the test.
They then invited me in for interview and all went find and dandy.
They then wanted me to come back in to met the rest of the team, so I thought things were going well.
Buy nope, they've emailed to say I wouldn't be a good fit right now, and have limited feedback. All throughout the process they seemed very keen, now I'm confused af.4 -
Co-worker: Please finish and push your frontend asap, I need that to start working on the backend.
Me: Why aren't you using Postman?
Cw: I don't like it.6 -
I don't know about obnoxious processes, but I do know about one single event that happens WAY more than it should, and that might be people from customer relations coming with "new awesome features that MUST be implemented asap"
oh boy the times I've pictured me shoving a scrum guide down their throats....3 -
Hotfix asap. Hotfix still in progress.
An ehancement that also needs the hotfix to be release at live in two days. One day for pre-live testing, and another for live testing.
I pray that nothing else will break.2 -
I live in Asia, where Pinkerton Syndrome is rampant amongst the professional workforce.
I've been approached by local recruiters who love tossing the company's country of origin (usually a developed nation from the European continent) in the first sentence of an email, and beseech me to call them back ASAP, or lose the opportunity of a lifetime.
I also get condescending emails from Caucasian 'CEO/Director' (no offence meant, I know the entire demographic is never represented by sub-samples) looking to pay below average rates.
Is getting difficult to be civil with these morons.5 -
Company now sends everyone to home office.
Expected - "Yeah! No more time spent with bus/subway. I can finally escape from people stopping me when I'm ready to leave."
Reality - "mail received at 8pm and phone ringing 'did you get that file? Need it ready ASAP.'"2 -
Arrghhh, now it is chatbot (+_+)
I am not even sure if my vuejs codes are in right direction or not and needless to say ES6. But now another task, freaking chatbots. I have trouble following and learning Facebook tools. It confuses the hell out of me every single time. -
The university's IT Department has asked to talk to me asap.
I dont if I should be worried or not!12 -
When customers start a project with your company and you're the one to create the software, then after a while the communication kind gets kind of placebo'd down until there is hardly any communication and your contact only replies to / mails you every 12 weeks or so and then after almost 1 year they urge you to get their shit done asap, telling you it'd better be done yesterday but you still lack information you asked for in one of your mails.
Fun fact: the record of them not responding was 20 weeks. -
You know what really boils my piss?
Clients who email in all caps.
"URGENT HELP, CAN'T RECEIVE EMAILS"
Followed by two lines of bitching about how this keeps happening and they'll move elsewhere if it's not fixed asap at 11pm.
WELL GUESS WHAT?
YOU MOVED YOUR EMAILS AWAY ALREADY! -
That feature that needed to be taken live asap. Who's priority was set the highest. For which i had to stop the code i was developing, to work on that.
Post going to production, one month's passed and the feature still awaits there in its lonely world to be used by someone, anyone.
Please use it.1 -
Phoning salespersons:
Me: "we need a new VoIP solution for our office."
Sales: "we're certified"
Me: "we need a new VoIP solution for our office."
Sales: "YOUR WHOLE IT INFRASTRUCTURE IS OUTDATED, UPGRADE ASAP!"
This is why I prefer mails so much over telephoning.2 -
So today we had a pre-sprint-planning meeting where the POs told us about the stories currently in the backlog. They went ahead and "roughly prioritised" some of them. Their priorities were:
- normal (but asap please)
- has to be done this sprint, because the feature has to be in the next release (code freeze after this sprint)
- top priority, because this has to be in the previous release (which was released last friday)
The non-normal stories alone are about twice our normal velocity. Good job guys. Good job. -
When client for past few days tells you how important that new feature he wants is, and you should get to it asap.
But then when you actually start working on it after discussing it, specification creation and preparations, with mind set and focused, he tells you:
- 'Know what? I will need that change in the old feature before that. You can postpone the new feature by one day.'
So... How was it the most important thing in the universe again? -
I just got a call from Satya. He informed me that Microsoft has successfully acquired the Linux kernel and all future development will be closed sourced.
Here's a sneak peek of the official announcement:
There will be a newer version released tomorrow that will include the Windows desktop environment as well as patch a critical 0-day security flaw that was recently discovered in all versions of Linux.
To prevent exploitation, we will activate a kill switch which will disable all systems running any flavor of Linux next week.
Thus we advise you upgrade ASAP, existing users can get the latest version online for $500.8 -
Hi XXXX,
Thanks for speaking to me earlier,
If you could send me the following details we can really get the ball rolling with the recruitment process.
• Any jobs you have applied for or interviewed (I need company name and position)
This stops me re applying you for jobs you’ve already applied for
• Any key elements an employer has to have for you
• A name phone number and position held for references at your current contract.
If we can get these over asap then we can start the ball rolling and get you a new position in the most time effective manner.
Kind Regards,
Brainless Lazy Back-Stabbing Recruiter.3 -
PM: Can you help out writing a test suite for feature X? Really high priority!
Me: Ok, give me a day or so.
I get it done, and setup in CI-tool to test on the feature branch.
*Next day*
PM: It doesn't work! Can you have a look?
Me: Uhm yeah.
Only broken on feature branch of course.
Dev working on feature X: Ok pushed a potential fix, can you run test suite again?
PM: Yes, can you get on that asap?
CAN YOU RUN YOUR OWN FUCKING TESTS?
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ -
About a decade ago I built a force download script, to get the browser to download the script instead of trying to open it in a new window (eg pdf), all you had to do was pass in the location of the file and it would download it regardless. i didnt put any restrictions in place, so you could download all the server files etc!!! Needless to say i fixed it ASAP1
-
Our client wants us to deploy all changes to the test server & to the production server at the same time (-___-)
So all bugs which have been founded after that should be hotfixed ASAP :/2 -
Project manager: "we need someone who isn't busy to work on the database for a few weeks"
*Fullscreen picture of Windows blue screen of death*
Me: "what the fuck bug after bug"
Project manager: "ouch you better work on that ASAP we are behind"
Coworker: -_-
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -
You know why there is no sharp, non-blurry weirdass image of these Windows Update screens? Cus they actually don't take very long and in your shaking senseless windows hate you gotta pull up the camera asap to get a picture of it, after you missed it last time.3
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Its time to remind ourselves the wonderful time of the year, where people look back and decide to be better and learn from your mistakes...
For example never test in prod and wake me up with notifications you dumbfucks... Someone has exams to do..
Seriously, I have seen a lot of push notifications lately, its some kind of Letstestinprod-uary?
1 -
Product needs you to work on a new high priority project ASAP after you finish your current work, deadline ~4 weeks. Also product hasn't finished their side of the breakdown yet.
ugh i just wanna be retired3 -
When you have a coworker who is not healthy (extremely obese) and you walk past their office. You notice they may have their eyes closed. Are they asleep? Are they dead? I need to leave work ASAP as I don't want to be the one to find out...
Anyway, I hope not. Would make for a shitty start to the weekend. I also don't think he and his family would like that weekend either.
I feel for the guy, he had a family member commit suicide. I think it fucked him up and he either reached for the bottle or for food. Either of those would make you unhealthy and could make you fat. I think a lot of people hide a lot of pain in their lives behind faux smiles.5 -
Away in vacation for a week, PM keeps mailing me issues that need solving asap, let me be man let me be....2
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A project manager of the contractor told me, a subcontractor's developer, during a skype call that they totally lost confidence that we will be able to fix the software issues we have. He told me that while the client was in the call, too. And then he demanded to fix the issues ASAP.
Does he really thought that this could speed up the development or that it motivates us to waste our free time for that project? Even more if you know that his assumptions are crap?1 -
Hey guys, quick one.
Frontend guys,
I need some CSS library that I can use for project I need do ASAP.
I have +- 1h to learn it, I need frontend and I need it NOW. It can be ugly. Prefered flex grid or sth along these lines. But please, if it has more than 15 minutes of reading through doc's its disqualified.
Any suggestions?
Im backend guy and know no shit about frontend.
NoJs. No Jquery. No JS. Nope. Im not having time for any line of shenanigans of JS.
Thx; peace.26 -
just read about that DRAGONBRIDGE takedown.
Apparently it was some system set up to disseminate pro-China anti-USA propaganda in multiple channels.
Now, I totally can believe something like this would exist - too easy a jab to a fantastically big payout if it actually works. However, isn't it easy to call *anything* contrary to *anything* a propaganda plot?
That is why I believe in NOTHING that is on the internet. NOTHING. The internet says I have "credit card" "outstanding debt" to "pay" "ASAP".
Yeah, right. Half of those aren't even real words (I mean, "card"?! come on). You won't get me, opposing view propaganda machine!1 -
Got an XPS 9365 and decided after some time to remove dual boot and switch to Arch Linux entirely.
After a week or so I realised this piece of shit doesn't support supend-to-ram properly!
in s2idle the battery drains in about 20h. Also I have to run the SSD in AHCI mode to boot Linux which is slow as fuck!
Seriously Dell, a 1.5k laptop that has a great screen but can't even suspend properly or make good use of the pcie SSD? Fuck you!
Need a replacement ASAP.
Suggestions welcome. 13-14" QHD screen, 8th gen CPU, good battery...1 -
I’m goin nuts here. I’m trying to build a website and everytime i think i’m finished the designer adds a little change or an extra page. Meanwhile projectmanager is asking if we can finish asap. Fuuuuuckofffff6
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So yesterday evening when going to bed I wanted to sleep asap.
Therefore I used a 'tactic' called count to ten and then start over again. This is supposed to be relaxing so you stop thinking about other things an you get sleepy faster.
It usually works...
...But then my brain decided to write a program for said procedure in my mind. I actually started thinking:
int count=0;
While ( ! isAsleep() ){
think(count);
count++;
If( count == 10 ){
count = 0;
}
}
It didn't really help me falling asleep...1 -
Why would she contact me for a job that needs ASAP attention and not show up after I gave her my salary expectation, I bet she is expecting a $1-$2 salary expectation from me, crazy recruiters I wonder if there's a university for that shit,
Hi guys, another recruiter shit!!!!1 -
These goddamn fuckers who every week spam people because their CI or code is broken. Apparently it's more important than other projects. Douchenuggets send an email and CCs the whole department and all the bosses and basically says "It's all broken, the whole company needs to work on this asap, it's possibly x other person's fault".
Then when you try to troubleshoot it because bosses want it fixed, the dumb pieces of fuck made a bug in their code that they could have easily fixed if they took the time to troubleshoot themselves instead of panicking like jackasses. Or better, have good tests and actual error handling.
I swear some day I am gonna get into a fistfight I started because of this bullshit. -
Me: god bless me *Open Android Studio*
Laptop: *screams in bluescreen*
Me: *screams in laggy anger*
Fire Alarm: *screams*
i need to bring my pc to office ASAP. can't stand this anymore6 -
I am starting to get a hang of kotlin at last.
But its gives such a weird feeling. all these years i was writing great code that could lift mountains without failing. And now this language comes in, says "fuck you, we must prevent null and make everything static/final asap!!"
Like static inner classes? Why would we even want them? Well the lady says am wrong, am wrong. -
You know my best productivity hack was about my university hack was about food!!
We should reserve food 2days before the day we want
When time pass we should wait for someone else to cancel his/her,then reserve that one.
So my script checks canceled food list every 800ms and pick and reserve the best one for me asap. 😎😎2 -
Hello god, I'd like to report a bug.
this.IsSocial is true, but this.BeSocial() throws a NotImplementedException.
I'd like this fixed ASAP, at least by changig this.IsSocial to false since the BeSocial method is not implemented, but this mismatch is killing me...
Anybody know the URL of gods issue tracker? I really need to file this bug...4 -
My CSS-only hamburger menu.
It's cool and all, just a few lines of code, but some days ago I tried to do a 2 sides hamburger menu.
Based on that I just copied it and changed every left for right. Worked. Like. A. Charm. I had to apply some z-index stuff of course but nothing out of ordinary.
I'm so cool. I'll upload it to GitHub ASAP, but it's not a priority rn. -
Invoicing module of an old application died a few weeks back and I was sodomized into fixing it ASAP! Instead I wrote the most beautiful bit of code in history and not only half-assed a solution in thirty minutes I also revolutionized the Customs department conception of user experience.
https://gist.github.com/anonymous/... -
When your boss wants to use a WordPress plugin (online reservation system) but ended up customizing (client's requirements) it because of its limitation and wants you to finish it for a week because the client need it ASAP but adding those features will take a month to implement.2
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Manager: This spec is due by cob, please answer ASAP. What bitrates do we support for png?
Me: 0. We support a bitrate of 0. -
*almost lunch time*
[client] hey there's another field we missed out
*almost time to clock out*
[client] hey the app became sentient and we need you to defeat the AI uprising ASAP.
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Recruiter after not hearing from a company I applied two months ago: "Please accept my apology for a belated reply, I am struggling with Office 365."
Fucker - if complexity of Office caused a two month delay to answer a fucking email than you need to have your small spastic brain checked asap.
Should've just kept his mouth shut rather than to insult people by sending these kind of excuses.2 -
Manager wants to sign me up for sponsored Apigee training and certification and i wasn't sure if it's good or bad (even now)
Me: ohh, nice
Manager: let me know asap. I'll get back to you.
*Manager comes back after 2 mins*
Manager: have you decided?
Me: uhm, yeah i haven't finished looking. I'll get back to you in 30mins
*Manager comes back after an hour*
Me: does this have a bond?
Manager: no
Me: okay, I'll get back to you tom
Poll question: is it a go or no go?1 -
Quick disclaimer, it is easily googlable, but no matter where I search, I can't find a solution. This is why I'm trying here.
Okay, so the other day, I was trying to install the node package sqlite3, and it spat out errors all day long from the node-pre-gyp native module and from the node-gyp native module. I am using the latest LTS (as of 5/10/2018), and I can't get any answers on HOW TO FIX IT...! Please HALP ASAP!12 -
At my IT security job(yeah, it sucks sometimes. I want a dev job but that's another story).
Needed to help some end users use and install a toolbar and get it to download through a proxy so they can edit stupid government online forms, which only supports IE 11. Obviously it didn't work.
Wait a MOTHETFUCKING MINUTE.
It's 2017. What the fuck. Who the fuck uses fucking toolbars anymore.
How fucking retarded and out of touch with reality the government can be, when it forces its users to download a fucking toolbar(with admin priviliges!) and use fucking IE 11 just to access a basic feature of the website.
Another fucking proof that governments are cancer and we need Anarcho-capitalism ASAP.2 -
Me: Hey I'm pushing the changes up
Marketing: okay.
*5 mins later*
Marketing: WTF what did you do! Everything's broken now! It was so embarrasing to show that bug to the client!
Me: *panik* *checks website* ....
Yeah, it is under maintenance... because the changes are getting pushed. It takes about 15 mins to do so. Like when you update an app.
Marketing: fix it ASAP please, and tell me as soon as you do
Me: There's nothing to fix. Just wait until it finishes updating.
And no, next time, I will definitely not tell you as soon as I push the changes. I'll wait about an hour so you don't have to see that mainenance page.3 -
Actually any Hackathon where I'm trying to build or implement something that I (at least at the start of the Hackathon) Have no idea on how to build
Where I spend maybe half (or more) of the Hackathon on rapid prototyping and learning asap to be done in time
I get such a motivational rush that one time I even managed to stay up and productive for roughly 42 hours straight
And the knowledge that I got during that Hackathon (bash scripting) got me into server management, I even use some of my scripts daily.. so last year was a huge payoff for me 😇
Actually pretty funny that this is the question of the week, because this week I am going to a yearly Hackathon -
Hello Fam!
I need to begin with a project ASAP.
Reasons:
I wanna make something. I don't know what but I want to.
My skills: Python, Java, PHP (kick my ass on this), Minimal Frontend, Django, C++
All the skills are on the beginner and intermediate stages.
In college right now
Haven't done a single project
Need serious suggestions on how to begin to make myself a good CV and get satisfaction by making something..
Roast me. But do throw some light.
Thanks thanks thanks a lot ❤️❤️❤️❤️3 -
Because of cache split brain issue I have to invalidate cache every 5min. I've said to lead dev about this hack and we both agree to solve it asap.
This was 3 months ago...
Temporary fix becomes production solution. And it only took me 10min to add cron entry to every prod srv.
So productive!
Btw you should see users faces when page referesh changes page completely because of load balancing xD)1 -
if anyone has firmware or any custom rom for htc 728, please help me. I need it asap. every file that I downloaded and tried was curropted while installing
Thanks!!2 -
Memory debugging iOS probably makes me more anxious and stressed out than anything. I have put 11
hours into attempting to figure out this crash, but still no progress. It's like I can feel management breathing down my neck to get it done asap. You ever get so stressed out while trying to figure something out at work?3 -
Need some advice:
I got a job offer which I would love to start ASAP. However.. I have a 2 hospital dates one, 4th April and the other 13th May.
I am not sure what to tell the company. Should I be honest and say I got these 2 dates that I need to day off..or tell them about my first appointment and then later on in April tell them my appointment for May?
(This is my first job offer after graduation and I do not want the offer to then go away because if this..)4 -
What you are seeing is a serialized 16 Word pages, 50 questions multiple choice quiz, I had to manually transform as it needed some formatting like subscripts and superscripts and the guy that did this did some awful things, like using spaces to make some text go to the next line...
I need to make that quiz builder asap.
1 -
went to the medicare dept at my ofc and asked for some tablets.she handed me only one tablet .
I asked for one more ,she denied saying I can't give more than one due to policies.
let the employee die but follow your policies.
m leaving this job asap.1 -
For some reason github is not working on my wifi.
First thought it was down.
But then found it's running from my phone data.
Tried calling isp. They say it's working .
Anyone here who can help.... ?
Currently running from my mobile data but it's too slow..... 😢9 -
Just got a connection request from coworker in LinkedIn. Looked at his job descriptions and for his current role, it's seriously inflated.
I mean he's a decent dev but he's taking too much credit...
My guess is he's gonna be the next to resign...
So either this team will sink and get dissolved and I get reassigned... Or I need to find a new role ASAP when I get back -
My company has been pressing for "engineering excellence" for a few years now... So why is the internal build/deployment tool still so slow?
You'd think they'd get this fix ASAP right? Or is this the tour of excellence they are expecting?3 -
When tackling a solo project, which one of these approach do you usually use (and prefer):
A) Mash up something that works ASAP while ironing out bugs and cleaning up code later on - a.k.a. "duct tape programming".
B) Have everything planned before you even start coding. Strive to get everything right from the get go. UML diagrams galore.
p.s., If none suits you, feel free to tell us about your preferred approach anyway. Those 2 are the only thing that came on the top of my head at the moment.
p.s.s., I'm all for A. Should you care about it.3 -
Working for a little SharePoint-Company while studying.
Have to hunt bugs.
Found a major bug which kills one of our customers SharePoint-Site completely because of code pasta.
Told my supervisor about the bug and reported it.
"yeh. we will fix it now"
2h later they started to go live.
"Did you fix the bug?"
"No. Wanted to have the system live asap."
On my way home I got a call.
"We need you back here in the office"
"Why?"
"It crashed. Is not reachable anymore. Help fixing it"
fuck off
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It is not a good morning if the project leader comes saying "good morning". The PL greeting is the omen of a problem (which, as always, need to be solved ASAP)
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So if you recall, my last rant was about last minute, supposed critical-severity, ASAP due date requests being made, and me telling them to fuck off.
So today the boss' boss' boss called down and said a different task needs to be done by end of the month.
So now my current tasks get pushed to next month, and the person who needed their task done ASAP will now more than likely get it by mid june. Amazing.
And if you've been actively following my other rants, this is the same section manager that sends a quirky email out at the end of every night about what she's been fucking with lately.
I WANT OFF MR TOAD'S WILD RIDE -
"We don't have time for refactoring this PR now, please open a new task and we'll work on it asap."
Merge, Deploy, and set new task as Won'tFix two hours later :-/ -
Everyone who runs tests on our platform complains about the speed and says that it needs to be optimised ASAP. Then assumes someone else will do it. Then a few weeks later they complain again!
Vicious cycle...Vicious cycle! -
My job is currently building an app for another developer business, the thing is that sometimes their teach leader 'helps' us coding the api. The other day he told us to fix a bug ASAP, they were very desperated and annoyed with us. I obviously run git bisect and blame, and guess what! The teach leader had introduced the bug 😂😆
Now everytime he merges some code, I start to tremble. -
I really love JetBrains IDEs and I use them all day. However now the unit tests in the IDE are broken and cannot be run anymore. Please fix asap :( I can't work like this.2
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At the club, only one sitting... will spectate and bring intel when possible... think I'm spotted will report asap
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Me: Working on trying to salvage our shitty project
PM: EMAILS ARN'T BEING SENT FOR OUR TEST ENVIRONMENTS
Me: Ohkay.. Is it urgent? I fixed it last time.. Seems like the other devs broke it.
PM: YES WE NEED TO PASS ALL OUR TEST CASES ASAP
Me: Well maybe it should be failed if it keeps breaking all the time..
PM: SEND ME AN EMAIL WITH WHAT YOU CHECKED AND OVERNIGHT YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT WITH OUR TERRIBLE OFFSHORE TEAM
Me: uhm... Ok
Also me:
2 -
I must deploy a new solution today so my product owner came to ask if I finished and asked a new feature for today asap.
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Been working really hard last 5-6 weeks and achieved a lot with the help of my ADD meds (concerta, basically ritalin). However I noticed that week ago I reached full blown burnout. I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I already signed up for a metting at doctor's to come up with a plan how to fix this asap so I could get back in my flow. My question is how do you guys combat adrenal fatigue and recover from it?7
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I need a new phone ASAP. Can you give me an opinion of what phone I should buy?
Budget: not more than 1,000 NIS (about 250$), but I can go a bit higher. Just don't go crazy on the prices.10 -
company restructuring is pain
finish current work ASAP
your team is now in charge of some legacy/maintenance codebases and products that another team used to own, but they're getting moved elsewhere
new projects coming in -
So today I used a single int to pass on date, a number and a bool because I needed to display additional info ASAP, but a rebuild was out of the question so I built the int instead of a variable that was passed along and parsed it in JavaScript
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Got a Game Design sign-off due last friday. Last Thursday the GD mentiones that basic stuff isn't implemented, which she didn't take notice of for the past half year i'm developing and i should do it asap. While having another game with one trillion bugs due the same friday which is in endtest.
fml -
Nobody gives a rats ass about what i’m trying to accomplish here. Really nobody gives a fucking shit about frontend. I need to leave asap.3
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So, apparently my client was about to demo the web app that I've just built to many potential users. The audience/users however is an top notch CEO's, and management from various companies.
Oh god, I hate working with them. They just so lousy and perhaps ocd or smtg idk. They literally changed the concept in the middle of development, and event CHANGE THE NAME of the company days before the demo. God, I hate it.
Should I update the repo with dickbutt pics and deployed it asap? I've prepared the branch btw. Its just a matter of click now lol -
What your opinion on this password-less login thing magic (https://magic.link/).
I think it's interesting, but would you consider it something worth putting time Into learning asap?5 -
Today (Thursday) I have an interview and exam today, but won't be able to attend because somebody broke the production code and we need to fix THOSE Bugs ASAP.
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So... the guy from my last rant completely screwed up a site he'd been working on for our company (blaming the web hosters for their "shitty config" while it was just an error in his .htaccess).
He then proceeded to do it all from scratch (instead of using already existing stuff like he did before).
He asked me to help him out.
I put as conditions that we where going to do it "my" way, with the tools I am pushing at work (Docker, Git, CakePHP and Sass).
He rejected it (as always) saying: "I don't care if the site looks good or works good, I just want something out of the door ASAP".
So I declined because I just can't work with that mentality.
He asked an intern (of which he actually has no saying but w/e) whom barely understands the basics of HTML and CSS to help him out.
Intern agreed and they started working on it.
Two weeks in and the guy takes a nice two week holiday, leaving the intern all by himself :)
something something "I want it out of the door asap"...
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