Today my current company fuck itself.

We were in negotiations about the end of my contract/mission, I want to quit to create a company around AI.

And the actual chairman said to me "You think too highly of yourself. I could find a tenth of people to replace you so shut up and take what we offer".

30 minutes later they received my resignation. 1h after that, the 15 dev under me resigned (after two year working with us they are clearly under paid). At the end of the day, the Head of product and the two good PO resigned.

This morning I get an email, talking about suing me as I made everyone resigned and asking for a meeting.
So I went to the meeting with a lawyer, they weren't expecting it. Boring legal stuff came after that.

And the funny fact: at the end of the meeting the CIO, chief ops and the SRE resigned as well.... As they didn't want to have the run it without all the team...

Funny day :)

Last month the main product, 90% of the company use it, was launched. And in three months 80% if the IT profiles will be out...

+1 if you like my new laptop skin...

1. The quality of the coffee and toilet paper you encounter during an interview tells you more than promises about table tennis or fruit baskets.

2. Try to determine who their primary client is: subscribers, app buyers, advertisers, etc. It's a major influence on the company dynamic.

3. Before an interview, you can just say: "I would like to sit down with a PO and run through one backlog feature and one bug, to get a feel for the type of tasks at the company". Such an activity immediately reveals team structure, whether they have product owners & scrum masters, what a sprint looks like, how they prioritize tasks, and how organized/chaotic your work experience will be.

Well at-least now I know why I haven't been able to login.

I met one of my friend from my childhood he asked me what I do for a living.

I told him : "I am a full stack developer"

He : What does that mean? What you have to do in office?

Me: I write code for websites in very simple words.

He: Like facebook?

Me: yes, exactly.

He: So you work for windows?

Me: What makes you think that?

He: Aren't websites comes with the computer?

Me: I am so unfortunate to meet you.

I believe by the time Elon Musk sets up a colony on Mars, npm will be done installing those fucking dependencies.

1) Stop going to univershity
2) Started python coding at home from online courses.
3) Got the best paid job among batchmates.

Took an interview today.

Me - What do you think JavaScript is interpreted or compiled.

Guy(5+ years of UI exp) - It's neither of them. It just runs on browser.

At that moment I slowly started fading away into a black hole for the absolute peace and embrace death.

In my previous company, I used to work for a client company which had a terrible website. It was about financial data and people would have to wait too long before the page loaded because there was a freaking 1.2 megs of minified, compressed JS file that needed to load before you could do anything.

Everyone knew that was a pain in the ass and nobody wanted to touch spaghetti code and mess up something they didn't know.

I wanted to however take a shot at it. So an architect from client side and I discussed how we were gonna go about it and how we were gonna find the stuff that needed to load on page load and stuff that could be loaded later.

So we plan for it. We broke everything down from a globals polluting JS, found out the variables and functions that needed to run during first load by literally putting a console statement for each function and finally came up with two bundles.

The primary bundle was 120kb and would during first load and then every module would call it's own secondary bundle when the user interacted with it.

In the process, we removed half a meg of JS and the site became blazing fast.

I did it with a team of two members who, my manager thought were useless, learned a ton of stuff, setup proper process for the transition.

When the client didn't appreciate the amount of brain and effort we had put into it, these two members came forward to tell the client to acknowledge my effort and attributed the success of it to me.

I was totally moved. There was so much respect that I didnt care what anybody else thought. I was just so happy to work with those two humans.

When i left the company, i gifted them stuff they always talked about or wanted. :) Feels good.

Ah fuck it. I'm just going to buy a stress ball

z-index: 999999999

Hello, guys.

I'm here is new. I'm from Russia. Sorry for my English, but i will learn his and talk you all about think.

*gets a new phone.
*installs devRant as the first app

PM in daily: your turn. what have you done yesterday?

me: so i finished my PR for feature x and now i'm only waiting for review feedback there, so i can close this ticket today if no major rework is required-

PM: this is not what i asked, i don't want to know what you did, i want to know what was done.

me: uhh... okay, also i started working on task x
[note: task x, a task per definition involving a large amount of research, was very coarsly defined and it wasn't even clear to the PM what he exactly expects from me, and we agreed that the scope needs to be refined in the process],
so as a first step, i started doing some general investigations to get an overview of the topic and learn about concepts a and b-

PM: again, i don't want to know what you did, i want to know what was done.

me: okay well, i have DONE basic research on topic xy and collected information-

PM: this still does not answer my question, what's the deliverable?

me: ...so uhhh.... i read papers? i researched info online and collected and prepared information and links in a presentation which i'm also planning to present to the team-

PM: okay, can you please split your jira task in subtasks so everyone knows exactly what you're working on? otherwise we have no idea what you're doing.

for fuck's sake, shut up. just shut up

Best Code EVER!

You is not gonna beliebers what just happened lol

So a couple weeks ago I earned a stress ball (300+ ++'s) I sent an email about it but never got a reply, so I decided to just forget about it. But then I just ranted (lastnight) about how its so hard to get a stressball. So I basically just said "fuck it i'll buy one". Then some dude comes along and is like "omg not until he shows us the bought one" so I'm like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED and buy one...

Then I get an email confirmation from devrant store confirming my order for the bought stressball. And I notive that my spam folder has unread messages in it. i look inside the spam folder and what do I see?...

I see dfox replying to my free stressball request weeks ago lol. So yay, now I gets the 3 balls (or two - depending) lol omg, so many balls.

So what do you do for a living?
- I fix shit. While i do that, i break some other shit and then i fix that shit.

Oops, i bought a new one - I dont really know what i wanna do with it - but it was on sale so 😅
#4GB-RAM

Hey PMs!

Fuck you!

Estimates are NOT... I repeat..they are NOT the FUCKING DEADLINES.

If you are asking for an estimate then remember, in your absolutely fucking small fucknugget brain, that it can FUCKING CHANGE!

The last thing you wanna do is grill the dev by asking them to explain in details why the change instead of trusting them. Specially when you don't understand a thing of the technology.

- Dev on whom you are shitting you asshole!

Sometimes when I code, I plug in my earphones and listen to music, focused, in zone.

* I let everyone think that.
** I actually don't listen to anything.
*** Keeps the buggers away!

Copy & paste code. 😬

sudo apt-get father

My previous password for devRant was 123hackMe!

I never got hacked. I'm disappointed.

<!-- You shouldn't be able to read this -->

Product Owner: "need this doing in 6 months, can you do?"
Me: "we're too busy to start another project at the moment - can you wait about 6 months for it to start, or I'll have to hire more devs"
PO: "I'll just outsource it"

36 months later the company he outsourced to is out of business and hasn't delivered, and I've had their half-finished shit show git repo dumped on me.
No comments, no docs, and no units tests, so no fucking idea what it's supposed to do

If every issue is a critical, none of them are

It bothers me that IntelliJ IDEs and Documents on Google Drive don't require Ctrl + S to be pressed to save a file.

That's like my birthright taken away from me!

I help blind children in weekends.

**blind is a verb here

Me: Hey let's do A to help the website.
PO: Yeah that sounds good. but let's do some research about it.
6 months later.
PO: Hay let's do A to help the website.
CTO/CEO/PO's boss: amazing idea. Here's an award and some money for that.
Me: What. The. F...

In our company the estimation is done by customer / PO. Usually, the deadline is set to the day before yesterday after the issue arrived. Always highest prio.

Oh, almost forgot: when a developer does his estimations, the resulting number gets divided by 7 by the PMs. Buffers? Who needs that. QA? Pfff. We are EFFICIENT.
Deadline not met? Bugs in the release? The developer must be bad.

Yay!

What's with the 4 pixel wide scrollbars on some desktop software these days? Does nobody care about accessibility anymore?

No seriously.

Fuck you.

And why the fuck does open source software seem to be the main culprit - as usual.

And tutorials telling us to add an extra blank line to our source code because fucking Linux distros decide to put an overlay horizontal scrollbar just over the top of where the last visible line in an editor appears.

Ask questions during interview.
Ask about trainings - it's usually a good sign when company offers training budget. Ask about specifics - sometimes it's a shared pluralsight account, and nothing else, which means that that had an idea and half assed it into existence.
Ask tech recruiter about overtime, a good sign is when they have no idea or say that it must be budgeted and scheduled - it means that it does not happen often.
Ask if it is possible to select and change projects, and how often it happens - if often, it may be bad low level management, or people learning new things and jumping between projects.
Also make sure to ask about rules for promotions and pay rises. Good company wił have a clear set of rules in place.
All of the above apply to mid to large companies.
For small company, i'm sure it will be different.

Some time ago I quit my job at a big corporation. Getting treated like a resource, a production line robot, just isn't for me.

My current job is way better. Small company, lots of freedom, getting to work on multiple projects, the result counts. But, as a small company, we also collaborate with big corporations. So I joined a team at one.

Watching my coworkers there, I'm reminded of robots again. Lunch break? 15 minutes tops. Just shovel some edibles into your face hole and back to work. Five minutes break between meetings? Open laptop, work work work. The concept of "needing rest" seems entirely foreign to them.

Yesterday our product owner "relayed some criticism" from other team members to me. Apparently, me going to the toilet in breaks is "suddenly disappearing". Or me not replying within 15 minutes in the chat is outrageous. And then he tried to berate me how I'm "his developer" and his team's tasks have top priority. So, according to the PO the problem is me and I should "get used to their mode of operation".

How about "no". I quit a fucking job because that "mode" is simply inhuman. After that feedback, you bet I'm taking my legally protected 30 minutes lunch break and any other break I can. Because fuck yourself, you're not going to burn me out. The best part, that team has smokers who "suddenly disappear" twice as much as I do, but apparently that's somehow a-ok.

I had to remind him that his project is just one of several I'm working on, so no, not "his dev". While that wasn't exactly a powerful comeback, it did shut him up. Still going to talk to my boss on Monday, at least to ensure that the PO can't talk shit about me behind my back.

Literally translates to : } Do not change requirments at 9pm on Friday that PO aint your father-in-law 😒..
😛😂

Was asked to make an e-sign system that manipulates PDFs to insert an image and the date at different coordinates on x number of different pages.

200 hours later, it was done. Now I'm the PDF guy

I saw a meme about USB and thought I could make a stop motion gif. Here it is. 😁

PO: Here's a small cool feature I thought of, should be easy enough *shows very basic draft spec*
Me: Cool, how does it work for logged out users? What about customers in Spain? Does it work with US sales tax? Do we need to update the privacy policy? Do we have translations? What's the fallback if it breaks? Who will be maintaining the content?
PO: ...
PO: I'll get back to you

*never hears about feature again*

I am now a Cloud Hosting (Windows and Linux) Reseller. I kinda feel like giving away some free accounts to the devRant community. But it can't give away too many accounts, so I probably won't because I don't want to exclude anybody. 😭

When you are so angry about something you slam your fist on the keyboard, break the Enter and surrounding keys, rush to the closest shop that sells keyboards, fail to buy one because they're all too shit, come home and end up fixing your keyboard, then get even more pissed off because you had already gotten excited about that new keyboard, and end up writing shitty comments for shit you haven't even finished yet because you're too pissed off BECAHSE EVERY FUCKING THING IN THIS WORLD IS FUCKING BROKEN AND SHIT. AND NOW I HAVE A MIGRAINE AND MY LEG IS ITCHY FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING REASON!

Product owner: "I want these 6 epics delivered in 12 months"
Me: "can't to that with 2 devs, need more"
PO: "how many?"
Me: "can't say, you haven't spec'd them"
PO: "how do you know 2 devs can't deliver them?"
Me: "educated fucking estimations you fucktrumpet - at least 2 of them look like 6 month projects for 2 devs, so you need to pay for more resource!"

Keep your arrogance, your fucking stupid logic and religious belief about everthing you say is right aside.

when somebody says there is a better way to solve a problem.. you can do two things. you either listen to them, validate the idea and accept or reject based on discussion or you just be an arrogant fucking prick and stick to your fucking reasoning, about your "right" way.

Don't do the latter. Wont help you become better neither at work nor in life.

FUCK YOU.

- a teammate

When you have a product owner who, on her first day of the project, asks you ' What do you mean by UI?' and a week later question a UI dev why should something take 3 days?

Are you fucking kidding me? I am done with this shit.

Good Windows reseller hosting plans are hard to find. These guys want to charge me $20 per year just for an extra 1gb of webspace.

Get fucked.

why the fuck people name variables endig with numbers? why? how the hell do you even figure out what's what?

checkStatus1
checkStatus2
checkStatusMyAss

Fuck.

I ordered something online.

Autofill fucks up my address but I don't notice it. Get the notification that it's out for delivery. Go check my PO box after I see the USPS driver leave the complex. Package isn't here.

What the fuck?

Check the email only to notice I fucked the address up and there's literally no street name. Just my apartment number for the PO box. Well hopefully it gets taken back to the USPS store and I have to pick it up bc if not, then God only knows where it's at because I sure as fuck won't.

>me on first day as temporary scrum master
>gets invited to 'optional' scrum master meeting
>meeting is with all SMs globally
>at 6PM local time
>POs also joining because why
>first topic is discussing a defect
>a PO has stroke of genoius
>"Our code base would be much easier to maintain if it didn't have bugs!"
>this gonna be a long meeting

Me: *gives 8 story points*
PO: Why is it 8 points? this is just copy-pasting and should not take more than 2 hours.

me : hey tried allo?
her : what is that?
me : it's an amazing new chat app with google built in and you can do blah blah blah.......

*goes on to explain cool stuff*

her: can i send messages to whatsapp from allo?

me : I AM DONE

Testing demands a “bug” fixed. It isn’t a bug. It is a limit where as the amount of records updated in a single request overloads the RAM on the pod overloads and the request fails. I say, “That isn’t a bug, it fits within the engineering spec, is known and accepted by the PO, and the service sending requests never has a case for that scale. We can make an improvement ticket and let the PO prioritize the work.

Testing says, “IF IT BREAKS IT BUG. END STORY”

Your hubcaps stay on your car at 100km/h? Have you tried them at 500km/h? Did something else fail before you got to 500km/h? Operating specs are not bugs.

PO: we want this new functionality, a new api call is needed in checkout process

Devs: okay, and what should happen in case of error?

PO: dont worry, it wont fail. Never.

🙃

After completing my sprint and some lingering stuff in the backlog

Me: Hey, there's this tiny feature people have really requested, I'll go build it since I got nothing else to do at the moment. It'll only take like 1h

PO: Hmm ok. Don't work on that yet, we need to check with business people and agree on the user stories and bla bla bla

Me: Ok, well there's these bugs I can take care of then, I'll get them fixed, won't be long.

PO: Hmmm, we need to measure the impact first. Let me get back to you on that a bit later

Me: Meh, oh. I'll refactor this bad component meanwhile then.

PO: Have you created a story for that in JIRA? Create the story first and then we'll groom it and take it in when we've time

Me in my head: Dafuq! Im trying to work on your fucking project but you keep throwing all that business bueraucracy shit at me. What am I supposed to do then? Sip coffee in the kitchen and talk about the other fucking billion failed "new business opportunities" with my peers? Fuck this circle jerk of a billion management people all trying to make themselves important. Nothing. Ever. Gets. Fucking. Done!!!

Me: Ah right, I'll do that *proceeds to the water cooler*

* Sets up some software
"Alright, and now to start the database"
* types "sudo systemctl start po-"
* hits tab -> poweroff.target
* Enter
...fuck me

little did I know, the database was already started...

PO: "I'll email you the details."
Me: Sure, I'll start with what I have right now.

I start coding, 7 hours later I got something working, not sure if it's what he wants.

Still no email.

I might have a followup rant tomorrow when he tells me it's not what he wanted at all.

In the last project i worked in, the product owner wouldn't treat people as people but as resources.

The problem with that is you just look at people and their work in terms of a checklist and remain blind about real humans face.

She wouldn't understand the challenges of building something with an absolutely new stack which people needed to learn from scratch and put pieces together. She wouldn't be supportive of people trying out things and fail.

One fine day I told her that I was spending too much time on meetings and i should be excluding that time from available sprint timings.. she made me open my calendar in a screenshare session with all team members. Made me go through go through every meeting invite i had on calender and ordered which ones should i be attending from then and which ones i wont. That was insulting. It broke the trust.

I decided to not work with the project. Stopped putting my heart and soul into it and eventually got out of it in a month time.

Don't put your team into a position like this ever. You have to trust them with the problems they face and try to find a solution. Scrutinizing and micro management will always kill the team.

Almost all of our back end devs are sick today and our PO kept pinging the dev Slack channel with the same core bug, so I replied with this.

At lunch, someone asked a question about our Sunday Hack-a-thon. Our PO said it was a "Smack-a-thon." I told her, "No, don't make stupid names. Let's call things what they are. It's Management Failure Sunday." Manager was sitting across the table when I said it.

Me : I found this code issue, I think we need to fix it
PO: does it affect the user?
Me: not really but we can make it better
PO: do you have a defect for it in *insert issue tracker here*
Me: no, I just noticed it
PO: is there an IM ticket for it?
Me: I don't think so
PO: is this issue already in production?
Me: possibly. Yes. That's why I was wondering if we should fix it.
PO: okay then we will fix it in the 3rd release from now if you still remember it by then.

it finally happened, PM/PO/SM is now also dev シ

each standup he now also gives update about his work in progress, with his diligently designed subtasks, perfectly sticking to the daily script, like a good well-behaved employee boi. it's weirdly cute

devs can't await to review his first PR. feeling the strong urge to spank his ass for each minor coding style issue or poorly-named variable...

In a morning 'stand up'.. (SM = Scrum Master, PO = Product Owner)

SM: "Sprint item 42399 ... Did you work with Ken on getting the price service ready for deployment?"
Me: "No, I worked with Dave on the service bus queue changes. Its there in the notes"
SM: "Ha ha...no...right there...it reads working with Ken."
Me: "Those are your notes. You re-assigned the ticket to yourself yesterday."
SM: "Oh...um...you told me you were working with Ken when I asked."
Me: "I'm really sorry, I don't remember you asking or me saying anything about changes to the price service. All the documentation I have is for the service bus."
PO: "I'm so confused, Ken was pulled off another project to work on the Price service for you guys."
Me: "I never talked to Ken, I have no idea whats going on. Did you tell Ken he had to make changes to the Price service?"
SM: "No..I never...um...well....yea...this card was blocked and the service needed to be approved and deployed."
Me: "Ken's changes were for the purchasing service two weeks ago and already deployed. The card is already marked as Done"
<PO rubs his face>
PO: "Good god...do I still need to be here?"
Me:"Um...no? Sorry?"
<PO walks out>
Me: "What changes did you tell Ken to make?"
SM: "Whatever the card says...see the price service."
Me: "Scroll down...see..price related to the service bus, not price service."
SM:"Work with Dave on getting this card closed, OK?"

Good fracking grief. Your ego is so brittle and so eager to look like a boss.
I did my job, you fracking kiss ass. I'm fracking sure when you re-assigned the ticket you told my boss you "had to" because I was falling behind in the sprint.

He should upgrade!

Sitting in my backyard, trying to mentally troubleshoot some coding issues in the fresh air, and I hear my neighbor say, "...she was picking her bum before..."

Back inside I go.

I never touch my code if anyone else have made changes in them without asking me.

I cry like a bitch when I get home.

Weekend starts now!!
Beer, pet projects and weed all a developer needs.

Time Not Found! :P

I will be working from home tomorrow.

*Today*

I am at office because fuck me! I forgot my laptop charger here.

Week till deadline

PO: are we going to have feature xyz ?
Me: it wasn't in the original spec, we'll put it in the next spec.
PO: but we made a new spec for this fase yesterday and it is in that one.
Me: you can't do that you signed off the original spec before development started
Po: but we've signed this one off too
Me: ...

Why do so many companies think that frontend work can be stuffed at the end of the product development right before a release is expected.

And to top it off, expect all things to be working, smooth, animating, responsive, crisp, fast with 100 fucking lighthouse score.

🖕 To everyone who thinks frontend work is meh!, Not real programming and similar. Fuck you!

How I met python
[long read but worth]

There's nothing wrong with falling in love with a programming language for her looks. I mean, let's face it - Python does have a rockin' body of modules, and a damn good set of utilities and interpreters on various platforms. Her whitespace-sensitive syntax is easy on the eyes, and it's a beautiful sight to wake up to in the morning after a long night of debugging. The way she sways those releases on a consistent cycle - she knows how to treat you right, you know?

But let's face it - a lot of other languages see the attention she's getting, and they get jealous. Really jealous. They try and make her feel bad by pointing out the GIL, and they try and convince her that she's not "good enough" for parallel programming or enterprise-level applications. They say that her lack of static typing gives her programmers headaches, and that as an interpreted language, she's not fast enough for performance-critical applications.

She hears what those other, older languages like Java and C++ say, and she thinks she's not stable or mature enough. She hears what those shallow, beauty-obsessed languages like Ruby say, and she thinks she's not pretty enough. But she's trying really hard, you know? She hits the gym every day, trying to come up with new and better ways of JIT'ing and optimizing. She's experimenting with new platforms and compilation techniques all the time. She wants you to love her more, because she cares.

But then you hear about how bad she feels, and how hard she's trying, and you just look into her eyes, sighing. You take Python out for a walk - holding her hand - and tell her that she's the most beautiful language in the world, but that's not the only reason you love her.

You tell her she was raised right - Guido gave her core functionality and a deep philosophy she's never forgotten. You tell her you appreciate her consistent releases and her detailed and descriptive documentation. You tell her that she has a great set of friends who are supportive and understanding - friends like Google, Quora, and Facebook. And finally, with tears in your eyes, you tell her that with her broad community support, ease of development, and well-supported frameworks, you know she's a language you want to be with for a long, long time.

After saying all this, you look around and notice that the two of you are alone. Letting go of Python's hand, you start to get down on one knee. Her eyes get wide as you try and say the words - but she just puts her finger on your lips and whispers, "Yes".

The moon is bright. You know things are going to be okay now.

For fuck sake Facebook! do position:fixed for your goddam toolbar on mobile site because you have that fucking infinite scroll!

so management decided that the PM/PO/SM role has to be split and that SM shall be done by someone else.

PM in retro: so i will give away this role because i cannot fulfill all roles adequately, not because of missing skills, but because of missing time. this is also why i couldn't finish my development task for this sprint. so, someone of you guys has to do the job. i expect the future SM to be always available for me in the morning and the afternoon, so due to timezone shift this has to be someone from the German colleagues. I will have to explain to that person what exactly I as a PO expect from the SM and the SM will have to follow this guideline. also, being SM is no excuse for not delivering your stories, it just takes very little time.

...i don't need to comment on this at all, he already makes a perfect clown of himself 🤡

That feeling when a coworker screws up totally. doesn't accept it as their fault.

You look at the code and see so much of redundancy and bad practice galore.

You look at it for a while and think you can rewrite it from scratch. But you finally end up saying "fuck this" and feel hopeless because there is not enough time.

Hate that feeling. Hate it. Depresses.

Guy talking with me a month ago:
Me: So you wanna take over project x now or shall I stay po/dev lead for some other months until you are worked in?
Guy: No, No it's fine lets continue for a while like this. Just assign me tickets and review my PRs.

Guy talking to Boss a month later:
Guy: There is no perspektiveeeee. I want to leaeaeaead! I want responsibilitiiiiiii.

Wtf do you want.

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

Friend : hey! I wanna buy a laptop.. range is about entry level nothing hi fi! But it should work for 3-4 years.

Me : sure.. give me a few hours..i'll get back.

*Looks all around foe the best thing in that price range.

*Sends a list of laptops ranked based on value for money.

Friend : bought it! Yay! 😎😎😎

*Buys the shittiest laptop they could find at that price range with an absolute old age processor.

Why the fuck did you even ask me at the first place? Fucked couple of hours for me.

"Impossible deadline experience?"

When product owners promise delivery dates.

One day, I came back from a two weeks holiday, relaxed. I noticed a teammate missing. "Yes, he took the week off". Sure, why not.

We were working under a bastardized enterprisey version of Scrum (didn't we all at some point?). So we didn't just have a product owner, we had three and an additional "Head of PO". Because enterprises can't live without hierarchies or something. Barely an hour after I came into office, she entered the room and came straight to me. "Your coworker was almost done implementing feature X. You need to finish it immediately. No worries, though, coworker said the rest is a piece of cake".

It wasn't. There was *a lot* left to do, the JIRA task wasn't entirely clear, and the existing code for the feature was so-so (obviously WIP code). I estimated two weeks for the implementation, plus some time to clarify the requirements. When telling "Head of PO" she lost her shit. Screaming things like "this feature is due the end of this week" and "I signed this with my blood!". Well, I didn't, and I made it clear that I hadn't been consulted on this, thus I would not accept any blame in case we missed the deadline.

So I gave my best that week, getting pestered by "Head of PO" all the time. "Is it done yet?", "why does it take so long?" and "your coworker would've been done by now!". Yeah fuck you, too. Not only was I not relaxed any more, I was even more stressed than before my holiday! Thanks, you stupid bitch.

Well, her arbitrary deadline came and the feature wasn't ready. And what happened was... exactly nothing. The following week my coworker returned, who gave me an apologetic smile. "I told her the feature was nowhere finished. And even me, being familiar with the task, couldn't make it in time". We finished the feature together that week, and that was the end of it. So... "Head of PO" either didn't listen or lied to me. She then stressed me to the max right from the day I came back from my holiday. And in the end it didn't even matter.

Again, thanks you stupid bitch, for creating a toxic work environment. Should you ever read this, I'm happy I quit and I hope you miss every single deadline for the rest of your life. Screw you.

Scientists have found that If you just kill the Chrome process, it can give you enough charge to fully charge your Mobile Phone.

Dev: What is higher priority, ticket A or ticket B?
PO: No.

Wanna hear a story? The consultancy firm I work for has been hired to work on a WPF project for a big Fashion Industry giant.

We are talking of their most important project yet, the ones the "buyers" use to order them their products globally, for each of the retail stores this Fashion giant has around the world. Do you want to know what I found? Wel, come my sweet summer child.

DB: not even a single foreign key. Impossibile to understand without any priopr working experience on the application. Six "quantity" tables to keep aligned with values that will dictate the quantities to be sent to production (we are talking SKUs here: shoes, bags..)

BE: autogenerated controllers using T4 templates. Inputs directly serialized in headers. Async logging (i.e. await Logger.Error(ex)). Entities returned as response to the front end, no DTOs whatsoever.

WPF: riddled with code behind and third party components (dev express) and Business Logic that should belong to the Business Layer. No real api client, just a highly customized "Rest Helper". No error reporting or dealing with exceptions. Multiple endpoints call to get data that would be combined into one single model which happens to be the one needed by the UI. No save function: a timer checks the components for changes and autosaves them every x seconds. Saving for the most critical part occurring when switching cells or rows, often resulting in race conditions at DB level.

What do you think of this piece of shit?

When your "product owner" just doesn't listen...

Skype conversation:

PO: What format will the dates need to be in for the csv file upload?
Me: Just tell them YYYY-MM-DD
PO: ok

Two weeks later...

PO: there is a bug in the csv file upload! The dates aren't being picked up
Me: ok will have a look, send me through an example date the are using
PO: ok, example date 12/03/1990

FFS! 😡

!rant

I am the happiest person today. Thanks @dfox. 😍

U know this guy, whos Shady AS FUCK..
He waited until the end of the daily(when noone was putting attention) to make an agreement with the PO about some decisions of the user history..
He doesnt even know WTF is doing, so he wanted to swap his user history for another one..

U & ALL THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WORK WITH THE TEAM & USE PRIVATES CHATS TO CONTROL OTHERS!
FUCK U!!

I asked one of my engineering classmate which processor they had in their laptop.

Ans : 3GB.

I dont know whether they dont know a shit about computers or they are too bad at english.

Man, my product owner is so fucking annoying. I am 50/50 between two projects when really it feels like I'm 100/100 - and the PO of one of the projects always requests that I join daily stand ups and give updates.

CUNT.

I don't always have updates because I'm working with another team. Why are you trying to micromanage me you fuck face. Also, you know when you get those PO's that are totally useless and don't actually bring any real value to the project except in the capacity of being a slimey charismatic weasel? Yah, that's this person.

Bureaucracy is the biggest impediment to progress.

Instead of putting a brick wall in front of you by saying "The PO said that you created a bug", learn how to communicate and have a horizontal hierarchy, for fuck's sake.
Even if all my tests passed, they still throw other bugs in my face and call it my fault. Fantastic. I love Scrum. This is not Scrum, this is abusing and not respecting Scrum.

Stupid rules, stupid people.

Sprint planning:
PO: I have a great idea for a new game changing feature
Team: cool, let’s talk requirements, etc
PO: nah, I trust you can come up with the best implementation possible
Sprint demo:
Team: presents the feature
PO: Why are you guys always doing it your way, instead of following my vision?!

Every single sprint...

Hit udemy, Google for any new technologies, attend large conferences, and simply spend 30 mins to an hour each day coding in anything new - and of interest.

I have to keep up with the young people, to keep my job/career alive, heh.

Code is not the only thing I do. Sad but true.

Sure, sometimes I just want to scream "JUST LET ME CODE", but internal hackathons and PO 1-on-1s make me feel like there's a meaning beyond my 34 open tabs.

#LifeRightNow
- need to find a new place and roommates to live with
- my gf's father doesn't want us to marry.
- my joint family wants to get separated.
- my boss wants me to be at our primary office ( i work remotely ) asap irrespective of anything since it is our biggest production yet.
- i am about the least productive i can be from last couple of weeks.
- going through a serious allergic condition.

#FuckMyLife

Can we please eliminate React?
I was interviewing lately and the lady asked if I knew react, I said no and I don't want to. She then asked what the hell I use for front end... As if react is the only thing you can use... Ehm hello we still have vanilla JS and jQuery in the house. Which are better, faster and easier to use for like +90% of all Web projects out there...

- I need heat shrink tubes
- go to aliexpress, find the one set I need, order
- receive them to my PO, use a few of them

- I needed parking sensors
- to to aliexpress, find the set I need, order
- the parcel arrives in my country, on its way to my PO

- Today I visit a random site

Conclusion: AI is great at knowing what I have already bought and suggesting the exact same items I've ordered. Because if you've ordered them once you're likely to order them again, right?

Fucking gnu gettext, fucking .po and .mo files and fuck the fucking poedit. Why in the fucking hell a damn i18n solution used by so many languages doesn't support correctly fucking utf 8 characters in strings inside the code, I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, this is my second day trying to make the fucking Python gettext module to translate the fucking word "está" because I've a fucking big code base programming in Spanish that need to be translated. This is the fucking 2016 and we still have problems with fucking special characters? I mean CMMON

Joined a new team at work 6 months ago. Immediately set upon by a useless PO who was somehow set in her ways while still being around 30 years old. Absolutely refused to change the broken team dynamic or processes in any way whatsoever. Made terrible tickets, never did refinement on tickets so they were always missing stuff and constantly blocked. Generally unlikeable and difficult to work with, incompetent at her job and resolutely refused to change literally anything to make the team function better.

She finally leaves after 6 months and the team dynamic changes immediately. Suddenly we are improving our processes, getting stakeholder input, refining tickets, taking reasonable amounts of work in a sprint. We have discussions without her butting in and getting frustrated when you bring up legitimate concerns. No longer do you have to tiptoe around and appease her ego if you want to point out the obvious flaws in the work she drew up or even just examine it from a technical perspective.

It's insane how much things can improve once you shed the dead weight of people that are just determined to be difficult and won't budge an inch to change their ways. Good riddance.

Im gonna turn this topic on its head a little and mention the MOST NECESSARY feature that was never implemented in one of my projects.
It was an iOS client for a medical records system. Since it contained actual confidential medical information, some patient records could be “restricted”. Thos meant if you tried to open them you would be prompted for a reason, and this would be audited.
We already had 2 different iOS apps with this feature in place matching the web app. But for some reason with the 3rd app they just decided not to bother. I discovered that it was because the PO in charge of that project didnt consider it important enough for the demo. So we have one app where you can just bypass the whole auditing process and open restricted patient records freely.

arrived all the way to Philippines, the stickers have. yes mhmmm. salamat po @dfox @trogus (thank you).

//po is used to show respect to older people or someone respectable here in ph

Been developing a Java app for 3 months, including basically everything from aop to rest services.

Meeting with po:
Me: So, guess how many loc I wrote.
Po: 400?
Me: *laughs* I'll get to 10.000 this week.

MAN COMES IN WITH CHANGING REQUIREMENTS ON AN HOURLY BASIS YET STILL DOESNT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH WORK ALL THIS SHIT IS!!

well a 🖕🏼 to everybody who thinks CSS isn't really "coding". Stop shaming CSS and people who love it because the moment you would be asked a simple alignment problem, you'll shit your pants.

No! not because it's a hard thing to do in CSS(there are tons of ways to do it.) but because you are ignorant and have prejudice.

🖕🏼 you again!

Dream big

I just experienced near death because of high blood. Super strong blood pressure. Avoid coffee, playing games, and sleeping very late at night. This is my advice as a survivor developer. I want to share this to help you. For fast deadlines or hard user stories, always negotiate reasonably with your SM or PM or PO or client.

Thank God he have me a 2nd chance at life. Take care of your health. Don't worry about deadlines. Health is more important. Always pray. I deleted all of my games especially my beloved call of duty mobile and clash of clans. I'll forget all games that I know because those contributed to my high blood pressure.

When you have a headache or head pressure or eye twitching . Stop what you are currently doing and relax, measure your blood pressure and contact your family asap. Take it seriously. My wife saved me.

Devrant, split screen, so happy!

Me ( a python dev) pointing to a good java joke in dev rant to my brother who happens to be working at TCS for the past 5 years as a Java Developer...

Me: Java is shit...
He: huh java is the best! every language in the world is written over java. My manager said this.
Me: I think I will kill him today in his sleep.

Laptop crashes during demo

I am just sick of the things that's been going on.

Joined a mid level startup as full Stack developer working on angular and node js . Code base is too shit and application is full of bugs(100+ tickets are being raised for bugs)

Since the product owner(PO) wants to demo the application he is pushing for bug fixes.

UI code:
1. Application is not handled for responsiveness all these years, it is now being trying to address. Code base is very huge to address though .
2. The common reusable components of UI has business logic inside. Any small change in business logic we are forced to handle in common components which might break up on another components.
3. Styling in 40+ components are made global. Small css change in component A is breaking up in component B due to this
4. No time to refactor.
5. Application not at all tested properly all these years. PO wants a stable build.
6. More importantly most of developers have already left the company and we are left with 2 developers including me.

I am not in a position to switch due to other commitments adds up a lot to frustration

If a programmer writes colour, he is not a programmer!

The one and only "Linux beer" I've ever seen.

I fucking hate morning people like the one in the story below!

Before we begin story time I want to acknowledge some things.

This is largely a case of a person having a lack of awareness and giving in to their base instincts (which are wrong).

People all tend to think that everyone else is like them (most children below a certain age cannot make this distinction and many adults never learn it either).

To take it a step further, anyone who isn't just like them is Lazy/Bad/An Asshole/etc.

FUCK THOSE PEOPLE

Now it's story time...

---------

I worked for a startup. We used a modified SCRUM, and we had standups every day @ 10 AM, the other team had then at 11:30 AM.

We get a new product owner. He is a morning person. But basically, he is a day-trader so he wakes up at 5 AM to trade and is in the office by 8 AM every day.

The problem is, he uses this as a reason to leave every day at 3 PM when EVERY other member of the team is there until at least 5 PM.

So he says one day (when I am not there) that we are moving our standups to 8:30 AM...

"Because he wants to make more use of the time and wants to get more done!"

So the next day a bunch of us miss this standup, the second day I was there in time but instead of going to the standup I sent them a picture of myself sitting in a coffee shop across the street with a message saying...

"I will be holding a meeting today at 10 AM, I expect EVERYONE to be there. If anyone on our team is absent then we will sit there and that absent person will be responsible for the time we waste waiting for them."

10 AM rolls around and the Product Owner is nowhere to be seen. The team starts complaining about the early standup and I tell them that this meeting is for me to take care of it. I tell them to sit silently and let me handle it.

We all message the PO saying the same thing...
"Come to the meeting, You are wasting our time!!!"

So he shows up at 10:20 AM and it begins.

(Now I'm going to do this as a conversation)

PO: "So I assume this is about the standup?..."

ME: "Feel free to ramble on as long as you want, you have already wasted 20 minutes of our time so we will sit here quietly and wait for you to decide you are ready to stop wasting our time with your ramblings. That's fine."

<PO then shuts up in disbelief>

ME: "So are you finished?"

PO: ...

ME: "I'm expecting an answer PO!"

PO: Yes, for now.

ME: I am moving our standups to 5 PM, end of discussion.

PO: Becuase your too lazy to be here by 8 AM?

<I expected this>

ME: No because I'm an asshole who expect everyone to conform to my schedule.

PO: ..., Well, I am not here at 5 PM.

ME: Sounds like your too "lazy" be here at 5 PM, eh?

PO: I have other things I do then.

ME: Ah, now the truth comes out. You care more about your life than our business. That's unacceptable! I personally don't care what you want to do. The fact is that we are working here and every day we end up having PO questions that need to and can't be answered because you are not here.

PO: <To the team> The standup is still at 8:30 AM.

ME: <To the team> The standup is at 5 PM. End of story. And from now on whenever we have questions before 5 for PO and he is not here we will be recording it and putting it in his report.

Then I walk away.

That day we held a standup at 5 PM. He wasn't there. He held a standup at 8:30 AM and he didn't even show up. He stayed home a video in. He then arrived in the office and said...

PO: Since no one was in the standup today we will be moving it back to 10 AM.

ME: Since PO has seen the selfishness of his ways, We will be moving the standup from 5 PM back to 10 AM.

FUCK THOSE PEOPLE

Spent 2 hours last night (leaving an hour late) with the IT guy hunting down a problem that affected at least 12 other teams. It didn't crash the app, but did prevent MANY scripts from working, and thus nothing could be committed.
I found the culprit, made a solution, and posted in the email chain my solution. (it required a code review and a client-side update)
Someone responded asking for another dev to confirm my report. That dev did and them dumbed it down for those who can't understand programming talk. Then EVERY EMAIL after that thanked that dev for "fixing the root problem" and "solving their scripts".
And just now, the PO for the bug was replaced to that dev's team. (previously was my team's PO)

develop/test/debug in one screen. Best Monitor Setup :D

When the PO asks for a last second code change right before the sprint review, and now it's your turn to demo

Being the only dev in charge of the project, makes you the one to be blamed for.

The God saviour, shiny armoured back end developer that joined the "team" (only me) to help into this new project Just Said in a meeting:

- "I wont code anything for this new project, I can't get the point of It"

So every meeting was
- "why feature X is not ready?"
- "I'm waiting the endpoint for It"
- "well, then mock It"

Now I fucking give up.
One month mocking things and "presenting" features that don't even exist.

"by the way, the PROD and QA services use the same database tables"

So a few weeks ago, our PO really scolded my team for not letting him in on our release planning meeting. His rant went on for about 30 minutes, just one long monologue about why he should be invited in the future.
Apparently he wanted to know details since there were some important fixes in the release, which I suppose is fair (though the rant is really not necessary).

Fastforward 2 weeks, we invite him again. He accepts, but never shows up. We decide to start the planning anyway, since we don't want the release branch blocked because someone didn't show up.
Immediately after the meeting, we write him with the new release plan. And he starts ranting again about "planning without him" -.- ..

1) Stop yelling at the team you're supposed to work with. Talk with the team about it - I'm sure they'll listen.

2) If you demand being in meetings, show up - or at least decline in advance.

3) You have no right to rant about "not being part of the planning" when you were literally invited for a planning meeting 2 weeks in advance. No meetings were overlapping, so there's literally no excuse..

daily.
PM/PO/SM/dev(new!): so i've continued working on feature X, i did this and that (shows screenshot of UI in Jira) and for today i'm planning to do XYZ. anyquestionsnothennextoneplease.
me: sorry, i have a question. did you persist your changes in our repo?
PM: no, not yet.
me: okay, please do this, you've spent several days of work on this. i mean, it's fine if build servers don't build it yet, that's what our feature branches are for.
PM: you're absolutely right, and i will definitely do it at some point.
me: at some point?
PM: yes. dev x, your update please.

Me: we need to fix all these technical debt and prevent new ones from growing

Boss: this needs to be prioritized by product owner

Correct me if I'm wrong but a PO didn't see all the shit under the hood, (of a nice looking "car")... And by the time the engine starts choking... It's already too late?

Hate it when PO assigns an issue to me when it's five to beer o clock

I finally got my new Smartphone after going there personally to the courier

Seriously the couriers were lazy piece of shits and they can't even deliver to my address when it's perfectly valid.

Like couriers from my local PO and from Lazada/Taobao can even get to my house, what the fuck

Bless whoever came up with Scrum! Now when the PO requests a change from me, I get to tell him: "please refer to the scrum master and discuss potentially adding your suggestions into the backlog items for the next sprint."

Just found this awesome function in the old commits.

def clean_cache():
'''
This function cleans the stored cache in every update. Make sure to call it before every feature addition.
'''
print 'Cache is cleared. '
return

You are a developer and you will only log time you're actually working. This means you will not be logging time spent in meetings, chasing for specs, requirement clarifications and similar. You must log 8 hours each day.

^^-- wtf?!? Is anyone else working in similar conditions?

Oh, you work in software? I had this cool idea...

Idiot mode: on

It's bad when you realize you are the most idotic person you know. I just bought a wifi card replacement for my laptop only to find out that one of the screws on its back was completely unscrewable. I foolishly decided to force my way through by forcing the plastic. I tought I got away with it as I only damaged a plastic support tighten to the laptop base but now, my laptop screen isn't showing anything.

When I first booted it up after this, it was working, but it started showing troubling signs shortly after. Now, all I can get out of it is a completely black screen, no backlight at all.

What should I do? 😥

Product owner (who is also the application administrator): please build feature to allow administrators to create automatic alerts to be sent to application users

Me: ok
Feature gets built, tested and deployed to production

Two months later:
PO: I've noticed in our monitoring tool that there haven't been any alerts sent out to users. What's going on??

Me: well have you created any automatic alerts?

PO: umm, no. How do we do that?

Me (inside): 🤦

This is how Scrum works:

Three coworkers are in a Scrum Team. One of them is also the Product Owner and the Scrum Master... The PO decided this Monday that they need to add a new feature for the Tuesday night release, which is estimated at 80 hours. I told the other two in front of a manager that this is not scrum. Nobody gives a shit.

Right now? DeathNote..

Set up a personalized web front page for the news organization I worked for in the spring. Left it for the editorial staff to be tested and approved.

Didn't hear a word for almost a year when the PO asked for me to deploy it.

After a few days, the editorial staff started asking questions.

I really, really wonder what they did all those months before release...

Sometimes human stupidity still surprises me.

Today I was able to stop the release of a ticket at the last moment that intended to put urls WITH A SECURITY TOKEN TO ACCESS USER DATA through a link shortener.
Some PM assumed that it would be a reasonable course of action to map an url secured via jwt through to a 4 character, countable, base64 string so that we don't have to send multiple sms if they contain this url. I can accept that the implications might slip through one person but the fact that this was put into a ticket by a pm, prioritized by PO, estimated by an entire team, implemented by a professional developer, reviewed by a senior and then scheduled for release without anyone asking themselves if there might be a reason for a security token to be long, that one shocks me.

YOOO Product owner if you don't specify which freaking page something doesn't work I CANNOT DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!!

Yes. Yes it did. 😈

- UI Developer Interview
- 5+ years of revelant experience.
- Says pretty good at CSS
- Have not heard of box model.

FUCK INTERVIEWS. FUCK EXPERIENCE. FUCK EVERYTHING.

Export my over-attached girlfriend in a UDP packet.

I can't believe this is really a thing now.

I'm really hating society today. If this offends you; good.

It varies... 25 mins... 35 mins on some days. On good days, 40+. :P

At the product backlog refinement the product owner told us (the devs) how the database model must be designed! He said he knows it best, because he knows all the requirements. 🙈

So apparently my team PO called me a git Ninja today. 10/10 gonna put this title on my office email signature now.

I would like to see a full stack developer version of it.

Found this on 9gag it's fucking hilarious...

Me - 1+1 is 2
Client : Did you say 1+1 is 2
Because even i thought 1+1 is 2 and i think we should go ahead with 1+1 2 because that seems like a good thing to me.

***"1+1 is 2" can be replaced by some long tech discussion

#my brain hurts

20 mins and it's still here. I think my death will arrive sooner than the update finishes.

Am I the only dev being in the universe who hates dealing with non technical PMs and POs?

Every time I interact with them I just want to kill myself.

PS: I still think their roles are important. Just hire people that know what they are doing.

PO: Is it done yet?
PO: Whats the status?
PO: Any progress??

My brain: Did we have requirements for this, or just a deadline

PO: "Hurry the fuck up!"
me: "Well I'm sorry but no amount of wanting will speed up development. Development is complicated. Understand that".

Non-techies are super irritating.

Product owner and scrum master prioritized a not important user story. We are just new to the assigned team without proper turn over, KT, vague user story(one sentence) and no time to prepare our local environments. Then after sprint 1 the client wants a demo by next month but the PO and SM had prioritized the wrong user story so now they are pressuring the developers on finishing fast the other correct important user story. They mismanaged it and now they say the development was slow thus blaming us?! WTF. We hit the deadline of the first user story with unpaid overtimes.

The other PO was always asking us on how to fast track the development lol.

I'll tell them all their faults in the next meeting. As usual we are just high paid corporate slaves with golden hand cuffs trying to escape the rat race.

Hitting a really deep, deep low in the manic-depressive roller-coaster of the development cycle:

There comes the crunch time. No meeting goes by hearing the odious: "We don't have time for that." - One critical component needs to be finished for Big Sur and instead of addressing the real issues we keep changing design and goal. One main dev already gave up fighting the PO and team lead(!) - and now I'm next. So that dev build this really clean and minimal library as the core part. But now it's just like, yeah, take that nice Porsche engine put it on the old rusty bicycle from the shed,.. but maybe because that's so shitty we need that specially formed exhaust pipe to tune it. Yeah, very 'agile' - Only thinking about it makes me shudder in disbelief and anger. I shouldn't take that shit so serious, be emotional about shit code, I know, but I can't. Let them drive some rounds around the block, if it runs at all,.. because until now we still didn't make it run on the fuckin' street. It's all so insane. Will make some nice fireball, when it goes up in flames.

Well, I have been part of quite some shitty projects. Real suicide commandos set out to fail, and somehow stood them through or made it even "work" though it should never have. But what enrages me here is, that it needn't to be that way. We had plenty of time. Our team was often rowing along in good rhythm. And now I just feel drowned in resignation and sarcasm.

This is just a temporary workaround. I will come back to this and fix this later. NEVER HAPPENS :)

First time posting, hopefully I got this right!

So, we have that fabulous application that lets you update translations at will directly from within it. Of course, we also ship basic translations in perfectly indigestible PO files.

That particular client *really* wants to have his translations updated before going on-premise, but it would be too much of a hassle to put that in a CSV and import it into the app. Better ask the only developper on the project to update all PO files one after the other just because "we don't like that word, we'd prefer to see that perfect synonym there". Also, the rest of the project - aka the actual development - should not be delayed because of this.

And of course the translations are provided in the form of screenshots of part of the application with words highlighted in yellow over a white background. Good luck finding the right string in the right file.

TL;DR fuck stupid people

I had to develop a rather simple Android app. It had to scan a qr code and let the user validate an invitation based on that code.
It had 2 fucking screens, one for statistics, one for the scan.
One week before going live

Product owner: The app is too complicated.
Dev/me: What?😶
PO: I want you to get rid of the statistics screen. Also make the text and buttons bigger. Also keep in mind we might want it back after.

Needless to say the app looks like shit with the exagerated font size.
At least it's so idiot proof that even a monkey could use it.😂

can't believe it but things actually have started to fall into place on their own, career-wise. feels unreal. need to work enough to afford a cottage with a cobblestone path & my life will be complete

Many of them. Can't decide which one is the biggest.
- when the asshole in front of me picks up a call and is loud as hell. Wanna kick his nuts.
- Chats. Hangouts. Whatsapp. Just name it.
- retards who don't​ know how to google something or even worse..what to google and come straight to me to get a solution.
- My own fucking head at times. You start talking about space tech and i'll have to jump into it. And i end up wasting half an hour.

to whomever it may concern...

if i wanted to do code review keeping in mind how asshole you have been and made it my personal vendetta, i would not review it at all.

i would let you and your shitty code rot in hell.

So instead of drinking shit like Pepsi Max while coding on a weekend, and since it's so hot lately, I thought I'd buy a blender and some fruits and make frozen fruit drinks.

After unpacking the blender, I notice a booklet with a few recipes.

All I can say, is, ":/".

I'm thinking about making a frozen watermelon and peach drink right now. What do you guys like to drink when it's really hot (besides coffee)?

Around three months ago in a meeting regarding a new end2end test for a product :
PO: We have a full feature stop, only bug fixes are coming until we can unify all products.
Me : So I can use any selectors without worrying the whole thing breaks with the next update?
PO: Sure.

Last Thursday :
PO: Yeah, we gonna overhaul the entire UI with the next release to get better UX.

Why would any sane person reinvent an entire product thats already scheduled for discontinuation in 2018? And how is it possible that a few months ago nobody knew anything about it? Are they using fucking tatot cards for management decisions?

We have a standalone api acting as a legacy adapter to our actual api, and as you can imagine it's a festering hellpit of hacks and workarounds which is not intended to be maintained after its EOL.

I recently had a dream - more of a nightmare - where our actual api had to support the legacy calls indefinitely.

I told our PO about it as a funny anecdote and he gave me 3 days off.

I really hate it when I work on a user story consisting only of a cryptic title: "Implement feature X".

Esp. when I missed planning during a holiday and can only wonder who in their right mind would have given it 3 points.

Why thank you.

Sometimes, just pulling the acceptance criteria out of somebody's nose takes days. It doesn't get better once I realize that not all external dependencies have been properly resolved. It's worse if there are other departments involved, as then you get into politics.

Me: "We are dependent on team X to deliver Y before we should have even planned this ticket. I'm amazed that our team was even able to estimate this ticket as I would have only raised a question mark during estimation meeting. We could have thrown dices during estimation as the number would have been as meaningful and I'd have more time to actually figure out what we should be doing."
Dev lead / PO: "I understand. But let's just do <crazy workaround that will be live until hell freezes over> temporarily."

It's borderline insane how much a chaotic work flow is branded as agile. Let's call it scrum but let's get rid of all the meaningful artefacts that make it scrum.

Whatever the fuck is 'absolutely accurate estimates'.

Developed a feature 4 weeks ago with a lot of requirements from PO, even more from QA, wrote beautiful code/tests, was actually happy after deploy since everything worked beautifully.
Sales increased a lot because of this.

Story created in Jira today by mentioned PO: As a PO I want to have that feature removed because it doesn‘t work in IE9. PO decides so I had to do this.

So: What exactly is the best way to hide a body?

I fucking hate 1 week sprints that include review, planning, and retrospective, so technically the sprint is 4 days.

Why do supermarkets still use windows xp? Grr! Stuck at billing now.

I was hired with the promise of being able to grow by doing as a software developer. After one year of reminding them almost once a week that I wasn't being able to do any development, but put in a position where I was somehow a Product Owner, today we had a meeting where I was suggested as a PO for real for next year. Funnily enough, our manager laughed and said that he knew I didn't want that. But still... no other name came up.

Sometimes, even if you are capable of doing something and doing it right, if that's not what you want to do, you should do it wrong. Otherwise, if there is the need for someone to do that thing you hate but can do, you will end up being the one that does it.

PO my balls...

Product Owner: Hey, can you guys own this incredibly fragile legacy app built with Grails, Angular and Mongo?

Me: No

PO: Go on. You can rebuild it!

Me: Sigh.. ok

- 6 months later -

Me: When can we rebuild this bloody app??

PO: lol sry no budget lmao!

So I have this PO who is able to understand technicalities. He is also able to use postman and has access to our code - don't ask why. He is trying stuff out with our apis, looking through code to understand parts of the software, etc.
So there are two sides of having a PO who is able to understand us devs on a certain level:
On the one hand you can explain why story x is taking longer than expected. You can even discuss in a proper way, which is nice. On the other hand is he a bit over the top: when we plan stories he already analysed everything, put code into the story and is telling us how to solve an issue or implement a story.
The sad part is that none of my colleagues seem to be bothered by the fact that he is doing my work.
And recently i even heard a sentence like: "I do not understand why this story should have 3Sp. Would be way lower when I do it". Well.. then do it yourself freaking idiot.
That goes so far that he tells other teams how to fix their code when there is an issue, because he has access to the code and can (unfortunately) read it..

Very unpleasant. :/ So: do you guys have/had the same issues? Am I overreacting?

currently thinking about asking my boss if I can make a training / qualification for scrum master.

when PM is trying so hard to shove *his* scrum down our throats and at the same time tries to block any scrum-related criticism of team members that question his behavior as SM AND PO, then maybe convincing my boss to become the new SM and shoving ALL the scrum down the PMs throat is the only chance to have a (bit more) bearable working environment in this project.
in my opinion, he has too much power.

whatcha think? any SMs here, and do you like what you are doing?

Me: Wrote and unit testing code for a user story.

Day of a Merge
PO: We need to back out the code you wrote. We have not gotten approval from legal.

Me: Uhhh well it's not going live for 4 weeks still and not harming anything but if you insist, ok.....

2 Days Later
PO: Ok legal approved the changes can you put that back in?

Me: 😡🖕🏻

Junior dev here. Finishing a boot camp, actively going through a few job application processes.
One of the companies has given me a tech assignment (for a Graduate Junior position, mind you) that was titled Full Stack Mid Level Challenge. It took me a week to build an app they asked and do analitycs and refactoring of the second part of the task (I only had late evenings free to dedicate to that), it was my first time doing back-end in Node (my boot camp teaches PHP) so I basically learned to do it while doing this challenge.
They asked testing and clean architecture.
I submitted the assignment (I thought I would die while doing it, exhausted, I think I was brain dead for a short perio of time, but I submitted it on time).
They got back to me and we had already have a tech interview with the Leads that had live coding at the end. Don't have feedback yet, really won't be surprised for whatever comes, it was literarly my first interview, treating it like a valuable learning experience.

But. This rant is not about this. Thsi is just to put you in my mood.

This is the !rant:

My classmate from the bootcamp is probably already hired, or will be one of these days. As a tech challenge she was asked to do FizzBuzz kata. I repeat, FizzBuzz bloody kata!
Now, I am very happy for this person, the situation is complicated and this job is extremely needed.

But, please, explain to me, HOW??? How is it possible that selection criterias vary that much?

End of rant. Thank you very much.

#noestimates

I fucking hate doing estimates. It stresses me out. I just did it, for a requirement about migration. I'm on my way to a fight now with the PO, because "the estimated time is too long". There was an agreement that deliverables were not to have extensive documentation and unit testing will only cover 30% of each use case (I know, stfu), but that's gone so I have to do the whole thing. I estimated 160 hours coding time, 40% of that for docs and 50 for testing. I'm standing by it.

All that stuff aside, what bothers me the most about estimates is that there's lazy motherfuckers who say shit like "I can have their RESTful ws in 2 days, but I said a month, because fuck it" and generate a win-win situation for them and their company, because the client - practically everytime - will just argue for the task to be completed in barely 10% less of the estimated time, accept the proposal and be happy waiting, the developer will fucking dawdle and the company will be paid for more hours than it deserves. Ugh.

Fuck estimates.

PO: suggests a new feature to be implemented

My dev colleague almost always responds no matter what the feature is: 'it's simple to do'

Me: 'Dying inside'

Stick to one project about which you want to learn but don't know how to do it,complete it...and now you have learnt something new

SWE in fintech in MNC, job involves "bigdata' . Get paid >> avg

I FUCKING HATE IT. THIS PLACE IS A REAL DREAM-KILLER.

Size of the big-data ??? <50 GB ! Entire place runs on gimmicks and show off.

PO is a dumb cock sucker with minimal tech idea. He is busy sucking up business users and dictating us to rearrange tiles on reports all day long.

Fed up with all this shit , I decided to give GRE and apply for masters in Computer Vision .

For good GRE verbal score , I need to learn 1100 words , 90% of which I have never heard in my entire life.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ????????

Will my dream of working as a vision scientist for autonomous cars never come to life ???????

😢😢😢 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Plz motivate me to get out of this shit-hole

Me: This story doesn't account for certain edge cases. Who do I talk to?
Scrum master: Talk to the PO.
Me: Ok. Wait, the PO is out today to watch the eclipse.
SM: you can also talk to person2, 3 or 4.
Me: they're all out. I'm going home.
Ping me if they ever decide to get work done.

The average user is...

why the fuck no client underdtands that a native select input cant be styled to show fairies and angels. and the same goes with many other browser elements.

Sitting 3h in a bullshit claiming and blaming meeting called 'refinement' as 'the tech expert' while PO and customers fight how stories and bugs should be priorized and importantly enough they discussed why the god damn bugfix isn't alive yet that was promised to be deployed this morning.. I was up to deploy it right the time they said I really have to go to that meeting... Yeah.. Business as usual

Someone should really close the COVID-19 ticket. Or at least make it ready for technical/PO review.

me: I need to install Firefox for automates test
ops: no
me: need it to run tests PO wants tests
ops: you can't as it is a desktop app
me: I need it because our selenium tests depends on it
ops: Firefox needs 200 other packages can't install
me: can I use Docker? and docker'ise Firefox
ops: ... some silence...
me: please
ops: it will complicate things
me: ಠ_ಠ

Disclaimer!!!
Do at your own risk.
-----------------------------------
- Take a strong magnet, like a neodymium magnet.
- Hold it in your hand.
- Move your hand across a Macbook 15"'s keyboard. Say from left to right or vice versa. Almost touching they keys.

You'll see the screen dimming. If you just hold it there for a little longer, it'll lock your macbook. It's funny, but I am not sure if it's doing some damage to hardware.

Best part of being a dev is that you get to be part of an amazing community like devRant.

Also the kind of jokes and stories devs get to share and laugh about is beyond anything. 😍

Make PO repeat it back to you verbally or in an email.

I've a question. Has anyone in here ever be forced to use something as remotely frustrating as SQL Server Reporting Services (ssrs)? I swear it is one of the most convoluted piece of shit ever.

He pushes "build"
But alas
New requirement email

After 2 hours spend in a meeting with PM.... My impression what they really want. 😊