when you check the commits to see who wrote shitty code

Good news: Today my app reached 1 million daily users. 😃😃😃💰

Bad news: It started out as a side project and my shitty code is not scaling well at all. 🙃

"enter Phone number"
"numbers not allowed"

Finally I have something to rant about.

So here I am in iceland watching Aurora with my gf, and suddenly I realized somewhere in my code at work I freaking forgot to add 1 to the denominator of a fraction. Shitty shit shit, gonna go back to work finding NaNs everywhere. Fuck fuck fuck

CS Teacher: *provides shitty code written in (I kid you FUCKING NOT) Microsoft Word, sans font*

Me: *Submits beautiful, fully working and commented code*

Half a point off because I didnt write how many points the assignment was worth at the very top of the code.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU CUNT GOBBLER?! YOU JUST **HAD** TO TAKE THAT HALF A POINT OFF, DIDNT YOU? MAYBE YOU'RE INTIMIDATED BY THE FACT I DONT USE MICROSOFT WORD TO WRITE C++?? God, I hope you take a nail gun to the eye.

That moment when you look at other peoples code and realize you are not as shitty at coding as you thought.

Wtf?? Who wrote this shitty code???

* git blame *

Oh... Right... It was me...

I really hate people who prefer this coding style:

if (condition)
{
// something shitty here
}

Instead of this:

if(condition){
// perfectly clean code
}

Yo Mamma ....

So, basically I write shitty code but on my machine it runs.

Friend: can you take a look at me code?
Me: sure, it's all shit!
Friend: You didn't even look!?
Me: did you write the code?
Friend: yes...
Me: well, I don't have to look, I can smell ur shitty code!

So embarrassed to see my code way back from my internship period 🙈🙈🙈🙈

people should know..

I fear the day I'll find my shitty code here, posted by a co-worker.

I befriended a much-older dev who's notoriously known for cursing in source code comments.

His best comment was F.I.S.H., which is his cursing acronym for "fucking incredible shitty hack"

Look at this! I finally succeeded in running C code on my shitty TI-83 calculator with a Z80 CPU. This is a huge improvement as I made whole games for that thing with assembly before! 😁😍

This is how it feels to work with today's software

Senior C++ developer:
"Writing a custom encryption algorithm from scratch for our communications platform? Every developer knows that is an absolute no go, cryptography should be left to cryptography veterans!"

Same guy, year later:
"Blockchains? Hold my espresso, I can totally write a whitepaper on cryptography, write some shitty code with nice branding, and get millions from an ICO"

I can maintain your shitty legacy node 6 code
And the shitty m3 ec2 instance with Ubuntu 16 that it runs on
And another one with postgres 9
But if I have to make a powerpoint presentation, I am jumping ship.
A man has his limits

I've never had a code review.
Eventhough I proposed to my boss that we at least review our intern's code once a week, he doesn't think it is needed.
Our intern writes ugly, shitty code...
it usually takes hours for me to fix his abominations... but yeah, what the boss says is always the best.

Google what is recursion? Or you mean recursion?

!Rant

It's Friday at the office in Denmark, which means 🍻

So my coworker got assigned a task. She copied some code from some crappy site, without even bothering of getting rid of "John Doe" in strings or getting rid of unused functions.

She hands it over me for review and I discover that the code doesn't even work! She didn't even bother running it! Anyways, I knew that the task was urgent, so instead of sending her a review, I trash her code and write everything from scratch.

This morning I woke up with an email from her to the team saying that *she* completed the task. Sorry babe, but I cannot let you take credit for my stuff.

I see software engineering mostly devolving to be simpler syntax, more widespread and reach more range of people, including non-tech ones.

That’s now obviously leading to more crappy javascript code, more abandoned frameworks, libraries, more shitty software and more dev rants.

Looked at your old code and starts wondering "who the heck wrote this shitty code!"

Magento is a special kind of tool.
- >20GiB of files? ✔
- >1 GB database? ✔
- Memory needed for scripts >768 MB? ✔
- Script max. exec. time 5 hours? ✔
- Slow ass website? FUCKING ✔
- Slower deployment than a vote on a country wide legislation? FUCKING ✔
- Shitty crap pile of STD-ridden code? I BET YOUR STINKING ✔

Magento, sincerely, please die in agony.

Humans generally distract the fuck out of me when I try to code. And when they leave me alone, Windows decides its a great fucking time to install its shitty updates.

Oh god, my first proper rant...

Ok, I am finally fucking sick of all these people shit talking game engines because some people make shitty games with them.

What does it matter what game engine someone uses, unreal engine, game maker, unity, it doesn't matter what you use.

If you think an engine is shit, make your own engine from scratch with all your code, Jesus Christ people -.-

True Story

I'll keep it short:
My nastiest freelancing horror stories contain shitty clients who dont pay, the nastiest fucking legacy code you can imagine, and expectations as high as trump thinks of himself.

The lesson is simple: Choose your freelancing clients wisely and always expect partial payment in advance. Even from family or firends!

When everyone quit and leave you with all the shitty code they wrote.

*PM looks at my code
*Deletes my constants, replaces with inline strings
*Changes order of conditions (that I tested)
*Hits save --> autoformats code into shitty looks
*Commits: "fix"

1. Refactor shitty code because it is hard to maintain
2. Rant about how can someone write a code like that
3. Check commit log to see who is the person to blame
4. Found out that's me

When no one told you that being a software engineer would entail putting up with other peoples shitty code for the rest of your life

It was around 14:55, I had no energy, and was ready to call it a day, but then I messaged my boss on slack, "Ballmer Peak". He comes back 5 mins later and my desk looked like it this.

Do you guys ever miss the days of writing shitty programs in notepad.exe? When everything was new and magical? When your income didn't depend on your code?

Yeah me neither lmao.

I hate that fucking feeling, when I am 9001% certain that the bug is caused by the shitty framework because I tested every detail and could exclude my code as the culprit, but later realize it was in fact myself, because I overlooked one pissing line.
Holy fuck.

devRant Stickers arrived in Norway!

When you realise that the shitty code you've written is now going to be reviewed

Found this online while searching for something about shitty existing code that I just didn't understand. Irony!

> be me a 23 y.o intern
> two years on self learned MEAN stack

> first day of intern<

> boss: we need you to become an iOS intern
> me: *whut*
> me: *thinking swift syntax is similar to JavaScript*
> me: OK, in swift ?
> boss: No, in Obj-C
> me: *fuck*

> spend 2 days to familiarize with Obj-C
> boss: Here's a bug, solve it.
> me: OK
> me: *checking their code for the first time*
> me: *fuck, fucking huge*
> me: *open up bug related ViewConttoller*
> me: *fuck, 6k lines of code*
> me: *fucking MVC*

> spend 2 hours to fix the bug <

> boss: you did great ! awesome
> me: *heh*
> boss: *announce to everyone* from now on INTERN will take over the project.
> me: *whut*
> boss: here's our roadmap plz implement features

> after 3 months <

> me fixing bug <
> me do feature development <
> me write shitty code <
.
.
.
repeat, life as an intern

I know it's rare... But for those lucky ones out there, this ones for you

Having to review an offshore C++ codebase made in Romania that the company I worked for they bought to control a wifi module on a complex RF mobile tech device that I can't legally give more details on.

If I could legally post this masterpiece, or should I say masterpiece-of-shit, all of you C++ dev would instantly get AIDS and all the existing types of cancer upon browsing it for 2 minutes.

It's laughably bad and unmaintainable. One of my colleague called it "the perfect example of human obfuscation" and it fits perfectly.

Think of a 100k LoC main function with nested loops and ifs with random sleep values, 1000 values of hardcoded 32 bits arrays declared globally in the first 10k lines for unknown reasons. Comments in Romanian mixed with english. Somehow, this shit works by some miracle.

The worst intern you can think of, while being piss drunk, could do better and it's no joke.

why dont any startup company concern themselves with quality.. oh i hate shipping shitty code.. 😞

Broken app is broken again. This app is broken so often and so hard, I'm struggling to give a damn.

These fuckers need to take their shitty project, code and managers especially, and launch them into Mars

They blame us and everyone else for their shit and I'm done with it. I need to sleep and not have these fools call me at all fucking hours.

I don't really drink alcohol, but every time I look at my (old) code, it looks like I was drunk when writing it.

I don't always leave my job..
But when I do, I leave a bunch of shitty code that will make the next developer suffer.

That's what they get if they keep asking 'We need it now/today'

My boss codes shitty ugly fucking abominations.
These fucking piles of hacky crap are worth less than a penny puked out by a dog, eaten by another one and then shit out, grabbed by a vagrant, stuffed in his arse and then sold as raw metal by the cremation worker after the former's death.

Fuck this. I'm not gonna rewrite this. Fuck you.

* Calls themselves "Software Engineer"
* Doesn't know what a thread is.

I swear these coding boot camps are churning out code monkeys whose real skill is building shitty React apps.

I believe a CS degree is necessary if you want to work on something more than CRUD applications.

Nothing against devs without degrees, but at least make an effort because my head will explode next time I have to explain to someone what a thread is and why it's a very bad idea to run blocking code on the main thread.

Hotdog or Not Hotdog

Happy 17th of may from London

Public announcement: if you build shitty software and get called out for it, either fix it and stand up for it, or fuck off. Nobody needs your idiotic passive aggressive tone.

Thank you

Coworker: hey can you do this?

Me: sure *couple hours later* it's done.

Coworker several hours later: that thing you did completely changed. Can you update it?

*checks the platform we use so non devs can create web pages* All of my code was erased and I have to restart and add even more functionality. Why the actual fuck would you hire web developers if you're just going to have other employees use a poorly built tool to build pages. Every fucking time something breaks in the shitty fucking app, I have to fix it. Or if it doesn't do some crazy functionality, I have to hack code in there to do it in the ugliest way. Fuck tools like this. Fuck companies who make money off of these tools/use these tools. And fuck the developers who make these shitty tools that give real web developers so much frustration.

1. Read about software engineering/design patterns, tools etc.
2. Adopt information to my requirements
3. Write code
4. Delete my shitty code from point 3.
5. Goto point 3

I told a guy to implement an algorithm in cpp. He wrote this weird 600+ lines of code which contains only global variables and void functions then I told him to make it object oriented and he just put all those garbage in the class and gave me back and on top of that class name is Template and file name is template.cpp. I don't have words to describe his code. May be this picture can help you understand my state. Oh, if you think this matchOn_r1, r2,r3 are different then you are mistaken they are just different with one argument (one global argument). This is just part of the code. He has this shit all over the place. Why the fuck this kind of people exists?

Let junior dev design module.

Make code review.

What junior dev says: "It is a totally flexible concept!"

What junior dev means: "It is extremely shitty to use for the one use case it was meant to do, but it will be equally shitty to use for all the use cases we will never have."

Back to square one.

My boss just asked me to participate in a conference call to help an external senior dev implement some stuff/tool into our website.
My boss suspects that he doesn't even know Git...
Let's see how that whole thing will turn out.
My boss told me that he looked at his code and it already looks like an abomination of PHP...
It is enough that my boss usually writes shitty spaghetty code.

I will not sleep well this night.

It's gotta be the Linux kernel.

It's so good at managing base resources on all platforms that it allows hundreds of thousands of hipsta-ass devs to write shitty code and still get decent speed.

When you have no option but to push untested code to prod, also, you don't trust your shitty team.

Shitty-Clent-side: Onclick of submit button, send request to server
Server: Responds with a 500 error.
Shitty-Client-Side: change "Submit" to "Submitted" and backgroumd color to green(because UX is important and error handling can go to hell)

Still fail to see why people give a fuck if you're self taught or have a degree. (By people I mean other developers, not employers.)

Why does it matter? Trick question: it doesn't matter. All that matters is their code.

And fun fact: both educated and self taught people can write shitty code.

Idk it just seems like unnecessary division in a group of people that all do the same fucking thing: program.

Professor wants to copy code on his laptop (with beamer)
-selects code
-moves mouse-pointer to top left
-clicks on 'file'
-clicks on 'copy'
-moves cursor to desired destination
-moves mouse-pointer to top left
-clicks on 'file'
-clicks on 'paste'

Man why do have to show us how shitty your trackpad is and bother us with 5min of copying, when you could use Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V?

When the source code of a library that you depend upon is easier to read than its official shitty documentation...

Did you fucking idiots think that I was gonna tell you to implement async await on the requests and not notice that you IMPLWMENTED GODDAMN SYSTEM-SLEEP YOU DESNE MOTHERFUCKEDS IT NOT TAKES 10X AS LONG AS MY OATCH TO JUST LIMIT THE NUMBER IF HTTP REQUESTS FOR FUCJS SAKE THIS CODE LOONS LIKE A RACCOON FUCKED AN MACBOOK THAT ALSO GOT FUCKED BY A GOAT FROM CHERNOBYL THAT SOMEHOW MUTATED TO A RACCOON GOAT 🐐 MACBOOK 💻 HYBRID ABOMINATION THAT IS NOW CLAWING MY EYES OUT AND GIVING ME RABIESCANCERAIDS

The excuse for shitty code EVERY TIME:

Dear Google, please notify devs before you overhaul apis in Android, I hate updating my api level and then my code won't build, this ia extremely shitty, where I have to now update random Android code because of deprecated apis, Shit Google.

Google's Photoshop team is killing it on so many levels

My boss just passed me few tasks that my coworkers fucked up. They have more experience, but they do not follow any code style standards and usually write shitty spaghetti code. I'm pissed off and angry because it's not the first time and I'm tired of fixing things that they ruin. Do you ever had any situations like that? How do I handle this? I'm speaking of two particular persons, not a whole company.

Today I decided that I will quit my internship.
So mamy things are mismanaged and my supervisor avoids helping me. I'm not gonna even rant about shitty coding practices, or rather, lack of them.

Now out of 10 ppl team I'm sitting alone in the office because everybody, apart from me, can work from home. When I asked why do I have stay in the office - this is to provide me the best placement experience (wtf). So I sit here, knowing that even if I send an email with a technical questions, I will not get an answer. Atm, can't even give a fuck about trying to be productive. I'm so tired with these fake smily faces that cannot manage a single intern but expect me to do everything without any help.

Should a developer really have to be a jack of all trades? I write code, but at work I feel like I am always getting pulled into sysadmin debacles. I am not a sysadmin or an ops person. I am a developer, not a systems guy.

If you want me to be a systems guy, then train me to be one. You hired me to write code, not to troubleshoot shitty IBM Application Servers.

Learning mobile development so far has been 5% writing code and 95% screaming at .XML documents. It's been 8 hours of work and all I have to show for it is a few buttons and a really shitty UI

So I started in a new job a week ago for a two weeks probation period, im getting payed double than my last job but it's so professionally frustrating.

They use a full php stack with a framework called tinymvc that I never heard of and the last commit is from 2009.

Beside this they implement some sort of "flexible" MVC where a great amount of the logic are inside the views. They have one model for each entity (in theory) but in reality one model have methods for a lot of tables.

Beside this the i18n is done by querying the database for all the translation strings and copying it in every user session, so every session file it's about 400kb where around 380 are duplicated translations.

The views folder is empty because they decided to modify the framework to look for the views in another folder called resource's and the development must be done connected directly to the production database

Above all this shit all the many-to-many relations in the database (MySQL) are handled creating a comma separated field on one of the tables, completely breaking the reference integrity.

So, after a week of work I can't stop thinking who the fuck developed this? In which world this shit is okay? How can I work around this big lake of shit?

I got in trouble for refactoring code to be modular. They said “thats too complicated the maintenance team”.

Said coworker produced a kludge of copy pasted code so the dumb ass maintenance team could understand it.

tldr; interfaces and abstract classes are too advanced for our employees so make the codebase shitty on purpose.

SO is down, guess it's time to call it a day 😂

Just checked a pr I need to take care of tomorrow…

“Please review [other pr] first, this solves a bug the other one introduces”

…Ah yes. Stupidity.

“Already tested by QA, accept without comments or job will be wasted.”

… I need a vacation or a megaphone to make someone deaf by screaming in their ears again and again: “follow the fucking processes instead of making QA preapprove your shitty code.”

This piece of shit backend developer who our company fired sometimes back, cause he was spreading fake things about the company.
He was tasked to develop the admin panel for the websites we were working on..

Now, turns out, he had put multiple backdoors in his piece of shitty code.. He happened to designed the front end of the admin panel as well, which contained more than 3k js files..wtf!! And he did all that even after getting paid enough for that shitty code.
The projects where that shit was used are now under attack.. And my already hectic life has gotten even more hectic..
Fuck you dumb fuck.. You piece of shit developer...

I'm never gonna let him take another job.. I'll mail out official complaints and character reports, along with his history to each and every fucking company that he starts working in.. I'm gonna be his worst nightmare..I swear.

800 line file.

Could be 300 lines but despite having version control, the devs didn't have the balls to remove any of the code. Just commented it out or appended _old to the function names.

"It's easier to undo than version control"

Sure, but how much time are you spending wading through the waist-high swamp of shitty, useless code?

i kinda hate my job, but i also enjoy my job. i hate that I'm overworked, i like being recognized for my competence. i hate the bosses, love my colleagues. i hate the shitty code i have to maintain, but i love making something better to substitute it.

Why did I fall into the trap of rewriting shitty and extremely complex code to something nicer again? Fuck. Me.

Nightmare IRL:

Your colleague is in PTO for 2 weeks.

You are in charge of maintaining his project along with yours, CI, code, tests and everything.

Your colleague's code base is a real master piece of shit when you look at it closer. By shit, I mean hardcoded values everywhere, random sleeps now and then, 20 if branches that could be replaced by maps, variables named a b c d everywhere, try catch to silence errors that should not be silenced, etc.

Your colleague left the CI and code broken as shit. Takes forever to run on my goddamn computer.

PMs are spamming you: "What is going on? It's red everywhere. Help! Plz fix this! We are going to release tomorrow!"

FML

Who wrote this??????Oh.... It's me

Don't scroll here.
Go and live a real life,
Don't make a computer screen as your world,
there is a beautiful world outside of your cave,
Talk with people's face to face,
go
go
go.

Ok enough philosophy, Time to add new shit in current shitty code.
(-_-)

I've been staffed on a old ongoing project, first day.
0. Compatibility has to be guaranteed down till IE9... ppf.
1. Front end made in XHTML+JS(jQuery)... bah, ok.
2. XHTML+JS is actually generated by PHP5.4, not a line is actually statically served... beh, funny, ok.
3. PHP files are the output of an XSLT transform of a bunch of XMLs... meh, seriously? Oooook.
4. XMLs are the product of the serialisation of a truck of stateful JavaEE6 DTOs populated magically (undocumented) with data coming from a SQL DB... WTF mode!!!
5. Session logics lives within PHP-land at point 2, front end makes ajax calls here that propagates to another WS out of our control that triggers -somehow- (undocumented) our Java backend at point 4 to generate new XMLs and then reach front end again. Kill me now.

Boss: look... it's too slow for the client, it's too heavy on our servers: fix it. Ah, and we sold 85% test coverage by October. You're the man for the job. (I'm a Node.js fullstacker and right now there's not even a testing scaffold, ofc).
Me: prod is on Linux or Windows?
Boss: RHEL7.
Me: rm -rf / as root. Done.
Boss: I know I know...
Me: ...

I think time has come...

!rant
just wanted to share with you guys,
instead of spending 1hr writing shitty code to fix a bug quickly, i just spent tha last 10 fucking hours and finally fixed it

I'M FUCKING PROUD OF MY CODE, IT BELONGS TO A MUSEUM

So, a friend of mine just got a NullPointerException from his shitty Java code, and decided to fix the problem by catching the exception.
Great fix bro, real smooth..

Dat moment when, after some hard work, you can finally delete that abomination your predecessor left you as a present...

I think there is always that guy in the company who makes shitty code, and someone else needs to fix/rewrite it. but he is always good with PM and superiors.

When you accidentally make your shitty spaghetti code work for some obscure reason.

So I had a guy in my team, all day shouted "shitty code this, shitty code that"...
Today I had to fix some things, seen some really crappy code, said to myself "I've got to check who's the author of this beauty"... It was him... How the fuck can you shout shitty code on other peoples work when yours ain't better?!?

PLEASE FOR FUCKS SAKE DONT JUST EMAIL/MESSAGE ME YOUR ERROR AND SAY
"FIX IT " or "WHATS WRONG"
WITH NO FURTHER CONTEXT !!!
then when you respond to me asking
"can i see the code ?" 18 HOURS LATER
AND YOU RESPOND WITH
"it's closed source"
PLEASE DONT GET SHITTY WHEN I TELL YOU TO KINDLY FUCK OFF

Do you wanna be a software engineer at Google?

Go to AlgoExpert.io. Pick a question. Read the prompt. Write some code…

JUST FUCKING STOP

Fucking shitty ad popping up every time I watch anything even remotely related to tech or science.

Don't hire monkeys that write shitty code that cause production issues.

Just spent the entire morning with our global team (10+ ppl) looking into the cause of a production issue.

Root cause: shitty code that anyone that has read an algorithm book (array resizing costs) and understanding how DB functions should be used and why (bulk inserts vs one at a time) would never write.

Even the code itself is a mess...

Fuck you google android IME team and fuck their open source policy..

So recently i had a chance to work with AOSP LatinIME code, basically our Android keyboard was forked from very old code base of LatinIME and my job was to change its base version to latest Version available on AOSP repository. Downloaded latest Android 8 codebase. Did 2 weeks of deep investigation of what improvements we will get from upgraded code base.

And I came to know that those Google fucking cunt sucking dick heads deprecated that project and broke the whole thing to a pice of shit. Half of the code is broken with fucked up todo stuff and motherfucking missing method implementation with not implemented warnings. What those motherfucker did is that they abandoned the open-source project after they released Google GBoard, and fucked the stable code by adding quard gram support and dictionary download with multi account features which was never completed by those motherfuckers..

Those misguiding donkey shit fuckers kept a depreciated project in AOSP build tree which has not received a single fucking commit from shitty ass Google IME team, is said to be reference model of Android IME implementation..

What kind of fucking shit is going with open-source code in name of making competition high with thirt party Android keyboard developers ..

Fucking shit fucking ime team .. fuck you .. wasted my fucking time reading your shitty code base .. Fucking shit

!rant
How do you tell someone more experienced than yourself, to stop writing shitty code?

The image used, to convince my boss it's Beer:30

Me ( a python dev) pointing to a good java joke in dev rant to my brother who happens to be working at TCS for the past 5 years as a Java Developer...

Me: Java is shit...
He: huh java is the best! every language in the world is written over java. My manager said this.
Me: I think I will kill him today in his sleep.

I’m sorry for my earlier rant (deleted). It was obnoxious and offensive. I was rude and stupid on a galactic level.

I was having a bad day. Cheers!

When your new team-members don't commit their code end of day Friday and you end up working the whole holiday weekend to fix their shitty work while they're away for the week....
Joys of being a team-lead..

For the last week or so I've been writing a userbot for Telegram. Completely from scratch, plus Telethon to not reinvent the wheel entirely. I'm coming from the codebase of an existing userbot.

That userbot is written by a good friend of mine, who makes 6 figures, and whom I respect greatly. However the code is a steaming pile of shit. Now that is not his fault, he largely inherited that code too, tried to fix it, failed, gave up.

I am reimplementing it entirely. I'm only looking at the modules, trying to understand them, and copying over the necessary bits and changing them where necessary. But I've come across some nasty shit.

Userbots often edit existing messages from real Telegram clients. They're kind of like a login to your account, but with a program rather than a regular client. You send a message from a real client, it sees it and does whatever it needs to, and edits your message to give you feedback. Which is great.

However, there's no need to do simple string edits by importing "re". So why do you? Because you're an idiot, that's why. The old bot is based on Paperplane, which in turn is based on Telethon. Why do I see function calls to Telethon in some places and Paperplane in others? Because you're an idiot, that's why. Why does the dig module fail to even give correct answers? Because you know nothing about the DNS, that's why. And you didn't learn about RRs before implementing it.

And don't you tell me that this code is shit, and this bot is slow only when I run it on a fucking Pentium. I run this shit on an i7 and CPU isn't even the issue - memory, disk and such are. If you had any clue whatsoever about efficiency, you would've known because it's blatantly obvious. There's a reason why my machines rarely go past 5% CPU utilization. It's the fastest component in the entire fucking system.

When users come and say.. hmm this application of yours, it consumes a lot of memory. It takes a long time to do X and Y and I don't quite understand why, it seems illogical. Then maybe you should go look at your code, like you would look at yourself in the mirror. And then you fucking go fix it so that I don't have to. You're an engineer just like I am. And I am not even a dev proper - I'm a sysadmin by trade. Why should I have to fix your shit for you?

What kind of cancerous shit is this? Who the fuck writes special template file for CLOSING divs? Why is this crappy shitty system so popular? It is a bunch of quirky and tangled code written randomly all over the folder.. Wtf seriously, is this "modern coding" or am I missing something?

I was contracted for an app (side gig) and told I would have a team working with me. It’s been 5 months and no one else has been hired... At this point, it would probably take 5 more months to explain my shitty code to a new guy.

I downloaded Lapsus$ source code leaks from samsung, nvidia and microsoft, looked at them and I think I’ll delete it cause I don’t like shitty code on my personal computer.

I fucking love it!
After a full day of refactoring old shitty code into a glamorously sparkling epicness of bytes, the whole thing worked flawlessly and on speed.
Quite satisfactory. 😊

Templating in TWIG, especially using inheritance and includes, is so much more fun than doing it in raw PHP!
*cough*Fuck WordPress*cough"

Go find the most cancerous Instagram page in the "coding community" and multiply it by 10.

Bonus points if they:
>>post vague and utter bullshit motivational captions with completely irrelevant pictures.
>>Have the word "entrepreneur" in their bio
>>Have emojis in their bio
>>Mention coffee in their bio

Oh and you know the shitty clean versions of songs that filter out anything that is slightly offensive words? (I recently heard a song that filtered the words "balls" and "vagina." Apparently anatomy is offensive to the snowflakes now.) That's gonna happen to our code. We're gonna have shitty censored versions that remove all "offensive" words.

All those complaints about having to maintain the shitty code the last developer left behind...

I work on a new project Monday. Modern stack on a platform I have no knowledge about. No one else more experienced to work with. I AM THAT LAST DEVELOPER!!!

You know a shitty recruiter when he/she offers you a job because 'I analyzed your github profile and noticed your extensive expertise in PHP', although all you did was cloning an extremly large PHP project and made one commit over thousands of lines of code which you simply generated through a fully automated php5 to php7 converter.

Disclaimer: never wrote a line of PHP before.

Fucking kill me. I've just agreed to make a shitty fucking app that would be better as a Webpage, using shitty fucking technologies I don't understand, to do a thing that would be better handled by a third party.
You know why? The guy who asked me to do it is a good friend, and I'm the "best (only) code monkey" he knows. FUCK MY LIFE.

At least I'm getting payed

You don't know how shitty another developer's code is until you fix it.

I don't understand how people can write code, but be completely inept at developing software.

Take a zoom feature:

SOLUTION 0:
- Use 2 buttons
- Use 2 button listeners
- Use 2 float variables (for each button).
- Don't log anything.
- Use 3 crazy, hardcoded, constant, int literals like 66, 30...
- both buttons manipulate the same text field.
- no logging.
- Both listeners use if/else to check if the variable is within a range -- one if/else for each listener.
- Use crazy method calls to get text size.

SOLUTION 1:
- Use a slider.
- Use a single listener.
- No variables needed.
- Use a linear equation for zooming.
- has logging.

Writing a shitty code and then debugging it quickly doesn't make you a good developer.

From a Dev at my old place: Don't use git for such a small project, I think we should use email to send our code to each other.
Turned out that this "small project" was a piece for a larger project.

Also turns out there's such a thing as merge conflicts outside of git.
Our code was broken for 3 days once because of his shitty advice.

"OMG WE MISSED SOMETHING WE NEED AN EMAIL SENT TO EVERYONE IF X HAPPENS AND NOBODY DID A THING WITHIN AN HOUR!"

Ok done.

"OMG WE NEED IT SENT IF NOBODY DID A THING EVERY 30 MINUTES"

Um... not sure we're solving this problem right way ... but there you go done.

"OMG SOMEONE GOT AN EMAIL AFTER 45 MINUTES AND NOT 30 MINUTES"

Bro who the fuck knows why that happened, it's email not instant messenger .... that's what I meant by us solving this in the wrong way, email for this is dumb... how about we solve this process problem in some other way or you just fuck off ... this isn't a coding issue this is something else...

I will never understand why people are doing this

Seriously.

Don't call yourself "Senior Software Developer", if you write shitty code, and have less experience with the technology stack than the other team members!

This fucking guy create a mess of a code, more than a spaghetti code, a clusterfuck of shit untested spaghetti code, and the project is actually getting well, our customer is getting bigger but everytime there is something to be added, its a fucking pain to add, and when something breaks, almost every thin breaks, and the shitty guy who wrote this code is quitting and its fucking up to me to clean up all the fucking mess, fucking asshole.

DOCUMENT AND TEST YOUR CODE KID, DONT BE A FUCKING SPAGHETTI PROGRAMMER

I absolutely love being micro managed by my team mates and QA. I also love being blamed for the other developers shitty code that breaks other crap in the front-end for when my tickets get checked by QA it's my code that becomes the problem. The part I love the most, is when I get slack messages "quick call" and the same thing gets explained to me by 3 different people.

I've seen a lot of shitty code. REALLY shitty code...but this. Calling this shitty would be a compliment, so I'm not sure what to call it. The following is copied straight from his source code, which I'm tasked with finding a production logic bug in. The original composer of this masterpiece of one-line clusterfucks is no longer with the company of course, so his pile of shit is now my problem. The program is littered with stuff like this.

if(((FrontLowerLeft.X > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X && FrontLowerLeft.X < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X + tempPack.Dimensions.Width) || (FrontLowerLeft.X + Dimensions.Width > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X && FrontLowerLeft.X + Dimensions.Width < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X + tempPack.Dimensions.Width) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X > FrontLowerLeft.X && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X < FrontLowerLeft.X + Dimensions.Width) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X + tempPack.Dimensions.Width > FrontLowerLeft.X && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X + tempPack.Dimensions.Width < FrontLowerLeft.X + Dimensions.Width) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.X == FrontLowerLeft.X && tempPack.Dimensions.Width == Dimensions.Width)) && ((FrontLowerLeft.Y > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y && FrontLowerLeft.Y < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y + tempPack.Dimensions.Height) || (FrontLowerLeft.Y + Dimensions.Height > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y && FrontLowerLeft.Y + Dimensions.Height < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y + tempPack.Dimensions.Height) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y > FrontLowerLeft.Y && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y < FrontLowerLeft.Y + Dimensions.Height) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y + tempPack.Dimensions.Height > FrontLowerLeft.Y && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y + tempPack.Dimensions.Height < FrontLowerLeft.Y + Dimensions.Height) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Y == FrontLowerLeft.Y && tempPack.Dimensions.Height == Dimensions.Height)) && ((FrontLowerLeft.Z > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z && FrontLowerLeft.Z < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z + tempPack.Dimensions.Depth) || (FrontLowerLeft.Z + Dimensions.Depth > tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z && FrontLowerLeft.Z + Dimensions.Depth < tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z + tempPack.Dimensions.Depth) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z > FrontLowerLeft.Z && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z < FrontLowerLeft.Z + Dimensions.Depth) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z + tempPack.Dimensions.Depth > FrontLowerLeft.Z && tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z + tempPack.Dimensions.Depth < FrontLowerLeft.Z + Dimensions.Depth) || (tempPack.FrontLowerLeft.Z == FrontLowerLeft.Z && tempPack.Dimensions.Depth == Dimensions.Depth)))
{
//code that did stuff
//removed for "clarity"
}

It's a Friday and buzzing from refactoring absolute shitty CSS code by reducing it by 2200 lines (and still not complete). Who the Fuck wrote this complete piece of shit!

I hate dumb variable names as much as I hate people who don't signal when they drive.

Never mind the fact that there's a validation-state variable inside his controller, separate rant.

That moment when you know you're writing shitty code, but you continue writing shitty code because the boss says he needs it yesterday... (._. )

Just followed the JavaScript MDN dev docs example to do this:

// Deep Clone
let obj1 = { a:1, b: { c:2 }};
let obj2 = JSON.parse(JSON.strigify(obj1))

Why does it feel wrong to write this code?

Just got an internship in a big company. Related to web development but they want me to use/maintain legacy jsp, servlet code. Should I take it? There are other departments too but I have been put in this shitty one.

> do you feel sorry for freelancing contractors
> whose previous client abandoned them
> they ask you to help them fix some trivial bugs in the shitty code
> you believe you can change the world by going overboard by also improving the code quality, along with fixing the bugs
> initialize an empty file where you'll translate the shitty code into a more organized one
> start creating variables and generic functions which can be used in a modular and organized fashion
> meticulously document the first function you write
> realize this is not worth your time
> insert some glue code into the original code which fixes the trivial bugs
> glue code has hard coded values so it adds to the shittiness of the code
> submit the work
> get $$$

As we currently see a lot of codeless software platform, in the next 10 years there is gonna be high demand for people to extend these shitty apps into something proper, just like it happened with wordpress. There is a key missunderstanding that writing code and developing an application are the same thing; they are not.
Once you can write code you sure ass aren't a developer, thats a grueling journey until then, and being able to create an application without code exaggerates the problem even further.

Spent 2 days refactoring code written by our "offshore team". I've done refactoring on the same code in the past, probably upto about a week in total of refactoring now. The code looked like it was written by someone who had literally just finished their first "Hello World" app - loads of code blocks copied and pasted instead of declaring reusable functions.
The whole thing should have been done by us in the first place.
And yet our money-conscious company wants to employ more of these developers. Cheaper than us? Sure. Quantity over quality though, but I guess money is all that matters to the big cheese

So this is what a test looks like here in my school...
I really like my teacher but his test are... uhh... fucking awful.

I mean the code isn't even indented ffs! Like wtf?!? How should one be able to read this bullshit?
The questions are shitty too.
Also please add line numbers so it is easier to describe how things work in the code.
AND USE FUCKING A4 PAPERS FFS!!!

Thanks,
an experienced student

Today I met a guy who fuckin remembers some shitty flag he had set in a code 10 years ago and can read code in his brain for anything he had coded.

Fuck you ass hole you got be shitting me, oh come on show me something fucker. You make me sick.

Best : Finally getting my first internship after teaching myself how to code.

Worst : Was a preeeeeeetty shitty internship. I know you'll say all internships are hard BUT, this one was on another level.

This is very long along. Senior Developer was doing my code and telling the best way to write jQuery and PHP codes.

The funny part is that he doesn't know anything about PHP and whatever jQuery code he told me to correct was very shitty and difficult to maintain.

That's when I knew. This world is fucked up!

So i came up with indoor plant debugging
1. Keep a plant near your code
2. if you are writing a shitty code plant starts dying

☠️

Not being able to write code only using pen and paper :/
I had one job interview where they ask me to iterate a tree using my preferred language. I felt so uncomfortable.
And my problem is only the pen and paper.
I'm able to write working code without any code completion even without highlighting in any shitty editor. But when it comes to write code by hand on paper it feels like my programmer brain side turns off.

You should probably call your framework "Buttcrack.js" cause we all look like plumbers sifting through your shitty code.

going through some really shitty code that I wrote a while back rn, reminded me of this

I just can't stop writing shitty code.

Sometimes I get bored and fix people's shitty code on stack overflow for fun

It's actually entertaining...

But as infuriating as you'd imagine

All i want to do is write code. Give me time, space, and stop bothering me so often and I can fix the shitty outsourced code. I can do it, really. I can write a ton of resdesign docs and improve so much shit. But I can't do ANY OF IT BECAUSE THESE FUCKS ARE ALWAYS PAWNING OFF WORK ONTO ME AND REFUSING TO LET ME GET MY HANDS DIRTY.

Stop asking me to email people. Stop asking me to update documentation that isn't for my features. Stop bothering me. Stop. Fucking. Bothering. Me. All. The. Goddamn. Damn.

Stop it stop it stop it fucking stop. I don't care about the PM's dumbfuck braindead statements and always wanting to pick a fight with me. I don't care that x environment is down. I don't care that your shitty overseas programmers can't tell their own ass from their head. I do care that I have the skills to fix it if you would give me the fucking time and space.

Instead of having me do all the mundane tasks that your shitty ape programmers could do overseas, let me have some fucking room to breath and I can fix this shitty fuck of a project and Maybe I can save it before it collapses on itself you dumb fucks

Holy shit im pissy today

to whomever it may concern...

if i wanted to do code review keeping in mind how asshole you have been and made it my personal vendetta, i would not review it at all.

i would let you and your shitty code rot in hell.

By making these shitty languages that basically abstract away anything difficult, Python, Javascript whatever, we've only enabled shit code to hit production which inevitably one day will either blow up or just add eternal technical debt. Even worse is when an MBA gets power to enable this.

Breaking out the big guns to wrap my head around a buggy API

One good thing about working at a shitty place is you end up knowing what not to do by just pure pain.

I once consulted for a company who had the latest tech - kubernetes, bit bucket, you name it. But it didn't matter. The code was shit. It's not about the tech, it's always about the people that use the tech.

At a previous job I had, there was a bug in the payment code, we did not know anything was wrong until the customer support team began receiving some crazy emails stating that our company emptied their bank account. Then we investigated further and thousands of customers had their banks emptied. So the payment team went big hunting, found the problem to eliminate further chaos.

Unfortunately the person responsible for this huge screw up was not fired immediately, but did resign soon there after.

Please don't tell me the mobile app is a priority when the whole IT infrastructure has been handled by fuckface interns who had not a single fuck to give about documentation or commenting their shitty code that strangely reminds me of a drunken Jenga game.

We had a group presentations today, and one group had a simple home screen for a reservation system. It consisted of a date picker and some labeled buttons.

My teacher said, "I don't like how the date search field isn't labeled, I don't know that, that field is for a date".

It's a date picker, that date icon is a universal sign for pick a date, the group said.

He was our programming teacher in our first year 🙈

Being an unsupervised junior developer, I wonder how shitty the code I write is, and how being unsupervised will affect my future in this career.

Copy-pasting 90% of our entities including logic and merging some - creating thousands of duplicated lines - and then creating views for those abnomalies just to speed up the ORM fetching which could have been done with a single join...

Took me some time to delete all of that fking shitty untested code full of bugs...

On a shitty day where your brain doesn't work, have you ever looked at some code you wrote, and actually get intimidated by whatever version of you wrote that? After stumbling around most of the day, read some beautiful code, I admired it, then realized, holy shit, I wrote this?

"Yeah, I don't know who that was, it looks great, how the fuck did I do that, and will I ever be able to do it again"

Like, I don't think I can, definitely not today, write anything even close to that.

bleh.

Today I had to write some shitty code that should work on ie in compatibility mode which is like ie in Version 6. I only coded on the clients system and never backed up. Silly me. Every think worked so I continued with another clients project. Suddenly my colleague came in our office and told me that the client deleted my code by accident. I never will keep code on client systems only again in the future.

When you are very busy and got a tight schedule but some other team complains to their boss that your changes to a shared library completely broke their work and that is a "showstopper". They say it worked before so it must be their code.

So you try to figure out what happened because you sometimes make mistakes even though you took precautions. It takes almost 3 days of your time because you dive into your commits and into their messy codebase.

Turns out the fucking thing never worked in the first place and nobody took the time to validate this. Worst thing is I found the bug with someone else even though it's not even my job to do it. I wasted my fucking time.

I swear if I was not working remote I would have started a fistfight in the office.

Fine! If I’m not allowed to make improvements to the site, I’ll blatantly write you shitty code and continue to fuck you over for the future. I tried to help but you guys are fucked.

So, if you were supposed to work on a website that is already pretty shitty coded, shitty styled and outdated... Would you go on coding like shit for the sake of consistency or would you embed a new mini-system in it trying to pay some fucking respect to everything you have learned?
Edit: in this scenario, you can actually make a choice haha

What's worse than WordPress? WordPress + WooCommerce! What's worse than WordPress + WooCommerce? WordPress + WooCommerce + PayPal! What other more shitty software could we possibly add? Some malicious virus hidden somewhere in the millions of free WordPress plugins most of which are not even full open-source? Who can possibly review and maintain that rummage table of outdated crap code?

I think I'm just not paid enough to write shitty code...

Today was a bad dev day working on a shitty React project. Not that React in itself is bad, but it can be hell to work with when the code is a big pile a crap full of anti pattern code. I spent the day refactoring to try to fix a bug, but to no avail. It would take days if not weeks to put some order in this mess and to prevent such bugs.

On a three months project for a website, the "strategists" and project managers spent two months and a half discussing the "strategy". It left us (production team) two weeks to create the content, the design, and code everything.

Of course it ended being rushed and somehow shitty, but they still congratulte themselves because they "nailed" the "strategy".

</rant>

My Senior developer writes SHIT code. It 10 pm here and debugging his shitty logic, his shitty architecture. And there are PM who expect me to turn this SHIT to flower.

I will kill the next dev who justify its shitty code by quoting random dev methods/rules/ideas/cool-names he found online like "clean architecture" or "MVVM".

When you have a lot of work to do and don't want to come out of bed.

But once in awhile, you wake up early, bursting with energy and you think: "Today I'm going to fix every single line of code that looks like a pice of shit!"

More and more getting myself caught thinking about the code more than writing it. I mean I draft it, it is usually very shitty at the first moment, and insted of refinifng and adding spaces to moments I just sit think, write some ideas in my notebook, search on Stack overflow, listen to the music, and wait until the code talks to me.

I know it sounds like some hippie shit, but it actually happens and really solves the problem.

Anyone has the same thing?

Today, I found this in our upstream repo. How the fuck does it even get merged?
No use of tempfile, instead of idiomatic it's idiotic. I have changed that system, now I am hoping i don't have to refactor thia shit.

I HATE it when client does not know what he wants. Removed a functionality only to be added back again with all the ripples going through the code¡¡¡¡¡

ARGH¡¡¡¡¡¡ FUCK ME

Where's my exclamation mark u shitty SwiftKey keyboard¿¿¿¿

Yesterday I wanted to make a small infographic. I started with photoshop, switched to illustrator, then indesign, then back to illustrator. All of them have super shitty quirks when it comes to work like that.
Next time I will just build it as a website and screenshot it. Elegance of code-based design is just unmatched. It brings reusability, consistency and precision to another level.

So this is my first experience of shitty code written by colleague

God, for REST API she used ?id=<int>
Not only that,
if the route was /cms

she used GET method for /cms/get/?id= to get single record and
/cms/getAll again in GET method to get all records

Damn

Confession!!

Ohh Lord, Please forgive me. Today I committed a sin and tomorrow I will have to commit it again. I wrote a shitty code and will have to write it tomorrow also. I am so ashamed of myself. I promise, I will refactor the code before releasing it for code review. My excuse for doing the sin is that I want to make it work first, it is little complex. I hope, if someone will stumble on it, then that person will not judge me by few shitty snippets I wrote to make it work.
Thanks,
An embarrassed programmer

It's called vs code because it's always you vs your shitty code

This cracked me up

Now that I have to use Microsoft Teams chat, I don't find Slack that bad anymore. Teams doesn't support threads, source code is poorly formatted without any syntax highlighting, and emojis look shitty.

I wrote a blogging platform around 3.5yrs back in PHP. My friend uses that, and apparently wants me to update the code. To which I refused saying that I am too busy. But the real reason is that it is one of the purest form of cancerous shit I ever wrote. I can't even look at that code now. Its like abandoning your own child, because it is too ugly... Here's a snapshot of the code, I don't even know what this does anymore..

Moral: Don't give your code to your friend no matter how shitty it is, you will end up providing lifetime support for it.

I really fucked up thinking I had all the time in the world.
I also wrote very shitty code but I know that would've been hard to avoid, so it's cool.

I feel shitty cause I've never wrote near 100 lines of python code or just a large number of lines in any language. I want to write large amounts of code that will actually work.

When my shitty c# code actually fucking worked.

Even changing like, the most simplistic things with a mod for a game is an accomplishment.

You know what I had to deal with
A bunch of these shit
try{
//Shitty cluster fuck excuse for java
//code
}catch(Exception e){

}

Hell yeah !!!

They leave shitty code unfinished module for me to get done!

I better write from zero for the entire module!

Fuck off!!!

Hey devs!!

I just can't stop myself from sharing this.

Its been two years now ... my junior is working. and now she is handling standalone WP projects.. but somehow her task got stucked so I was asked to help her.

So I just said check the count of variables and she messaged me with code .. Ma'am this isn't working .. Haha.. I mean come on she better can google out atleast for syntax :(

<?php if(count($content2 == 3) && count($interestt2 == 3))
{
print_r($content2);
print_r($interestt2);
}else{
echo "not checked";
}
?>

How NOT to cross compile code to Windows:

Chrome Remote Desktop →
Shitty Wi-Fi hotspot →
Mac at home →
VirtualBox Windows VM

My first time doing a pair-programming for uni assignment.
My partner is actually smart (a Mechanical Engineering guy), except when it comes to programming :
1. Don't know how to spell FALSE
2. Don't know how to create array in Matlab
3. Poor variable naming
4. Redundant code everywhere
5. Not using tabs
6. Stealing my idea and spit it again in my face after claiming it as his idea
7. Mansplaining every line of his code like I am a stupid person who never sees a computer before.

He said he has an experience in Matlab, wants to specialize in Robotics and taking several ML classes. What did they teach anyway in class to produce a shitty programmer like him?

Thankfully despite his being an arrogant shitty guy, he still manage to get our code to works.
That's good because if not, then I will happily push his head under water while slowly watching him drown.

🤨

As you grow older, both professinally as a dev and as a team player, you realise that a complete rewrite is rarely the better answer to the problem at hand.

With that being said, I'm rewriting the glorified-mass-of-infernal-human-feces-with-corn-bits-masquerading-as-mere-shit out of a production service right now. Wish me luck.

To all guys who write shitty code:
if (false)

I just found that when compiling for Release mode in Visual Studio the JIT compiler eliminates this:
Dead code elimination - A statement like if (false) { /.../ } gets completely eliminated.
And a lot of other similar stuff

I’m so fucking tired of having to work with shitty code day in and day out and not being able to optimize it. I want to quit so bad without having a job lined up… I fucking hate being a developer now thanks to these fucking pieces of shit.

Is it me or you also feel guilty for handing over the shitty code that does the job and try to make it better before handing over?

Colleague (Lead Engineer):