Change your fucking specifications and priorities again. Change them. I dare you.

🎊 Welcome to 2020 Remastered Edition 🎊

Not gonna lie, I would keep procrastinating...

> be me
> create profile in dating app because pandemic rules make meeting people at irl events impossible
> match with cute girl
> start to talk about interesting stuff
> mention being a software developer
> her: 'pls help me I have a not activated windows 10 on my laptop and can't do stuff since the last update'
> fml

I'm cry-laughing.

Management wanted us to deliver a completely new feature before the holidays (see my previous rant) and they were acting really sad when we told them it is impossible. It turns out they really want it to be done, and instead of realising it is not going to happen, they are coming up with brilliant new ideas on what we should do and how should we do it on a daily basis. It was just just a little nuisance until today, listening to them and reading their mails for half an hour a day is not a big deal.

So guess what? They changed the whole fucking specification today. I can't even...

Fuck all managers who expects us to deliver a completely new feature before the holidays when in reality it would take thrice the time left until everyone is on vacation. Fuck them all with a cactus.

Faked it till I made it.

Well, actually still faking it, pls don't tell the boss.

Top reasons to be a dev? How about solving puzzles every day and getting paid well for it?

Dear previous dev on this project,

I know that everyone loved you and still admires you for being so nice and having such a great knowledge. Please teach me your ways of achieving this level of popularity while writing big bowls of fucking flying spaghetti monster code with a bunch of hidden bugs and thousands of lines of unit tests that clearly never been used since it is literally impossible to run them thanks to missing mocks and overall bad design.

Teach me so I can become this person who shits big reeking piles in the office in front of everyone and even after leaving people still praise them for being exceptionally clean and sophisticated.

Code Simplicity by Max Kanat-Alexander, a very short but inspiring book I've read two or three weeks into learning programming. I can only highly recommend it to beginners and probably even people who already have some experience in the field.

> Manager: Why does service X behaves Y way? It should do Z instead.
> Me: *explains why*
> Manager: I don't understand this...
> Me: *explains it in more simple terms and shorter sentences*
> Manager: I'm still not sure I get it.
> Me: It is like this because of a third party provider and we can't change anything for the same reason. Also it is working like this for half a decade now.
> Manager: Ok, I get it. So please fix the service, it should do Z instead of Y.
> Me: *facepalm* Sorry, I can't. Ask (frontend guy), maybe he can help you.
> Frontend guy a bit later: ┌П┐(ಠ_ಠ)

If you see someone ranting about a colleague who made a semi-major fuckup which was not recognised during dev and stage testing and made it to production where it was discovered three days after deployment just when he went on holiday, well, that colleague was me.

Best dev team win like in a cage fight against managers or something?

It is easy to deal with imposter syndrome if you are faking that too.

Explained rubber duck debugging to my girlfriend and a week later she got me this little guy 🤓

Put a counter based on the number and average salaries of the attendants on screen. The meeting won't be more productive but the management will see how much money they are wasting with all the unnecessary meetings.

What's next, "Vim Construction and Renovations'?

I'm going to quit tomorrow.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, took every aspects into consideration but this job is still a waste of time thanks to some fuckwits in important positions.

Now I feel happy, relieved and calm even though they don't have my resignation letter yet.

Never pulled a coding all-nighter. I love and need my eight hours beauty sleep. 😴

An ex of mine broke up with me when I changed my career path to programming. She said she wouldn't want to date with a programmer, I said 'ok bye'.

Guess who has a better career and dated with smarter, nicer, more funny and more attractive people since then 😎

Board games 🎲 🖤

I had a performance review with my boss and his boss today.

After they told me what they wanted to, they asked for my feedback. I was very honest with them and didn't only tell them the good stuff but the things I've been disappointed with as well.

Well, last year was mostly a big fat disappointment for me at the company, both on a professional and a personal level, which seemingly took them by surprise and hurt their feelings because they think it is the best place to work at. Even though I tried to make my feedback as constructive as possible, they didn't really seem to understand the problems and kept saying what a good company this is and what amazing opportunities will this year hold.

And they gave me a raise before I could even ask for it.

A certain custom template engine made by some bored developer who had too much free time and thought he could create something better than other widely used template engines. He somehow convinced the lead dev of the company at that time to use his wonderful creation and it is still there after many years.

Spoilers: it is not better than the template engines he copied the features from, and it somehow fucks up certain parts of the css and javascript which makes it a real pain in the ass to work with.

Found this 2 years old beauty today:

public boolean hasPermission(User user, Permission permission){
// TODO
return true;
}

The author quit last year.

Best career choice? Probably that I abandoned my previous "career" and became a developer.

Yes, thank you motherfucker. Please change the fucking specification again one fucking day before the deadline.

These project managers and clients are like little children who can't decide whether they want a lego set or a video game for christmas except little children don't blame santa for their own stupidity.

Guess what? I'm not santa fucking claus and can't do miracles in one day. It's on you little project manager children if we miss this deadline.

⚽ Fuck this sportsball world cup shit. ⚽

Yes, very exciting. 22 people are chasing a fucking ball on a field. I wouldn't even care but every time a ball chasing match is on, their retarded fans start shouting drunk on the streets and the fucking internet speed drops to almost zero because the provider apparently gives extra bandwidth to those who are streaming this highly sophisticated form of entertainment.

You know what? I have something for you to suck on if you are so fond of balls.

I'm procrastinating until I have more motivation or until the deadline is really close and I have to do it anyways.

Believe someone when they say something is done and works as intended.

What. The. Fuck. Did. Just. Happen.

A random girl followed me on social media. She looked nice and intelligent so I followed her back.

Started to chat about some random stuff. She told me she works at the HR department of an international company and asked me what's my job. Told her I'm a software developer.

Right after that she sent me a selfie. Obviously I said she looks nice, she thanked it and asked some more about my job. After a short discussion I received another selfie but somewhere in between she lost the outer layer of her clothing.

She still looks nice but now I'm sitting here utterly confused and cant tell whether it was my sarcastic humour and moderately handsome facial features which charmed her or she just needs to recruit someone for a new project and willing to do everything to reach the quota.