Finally figured out what FML stands for - apparently it's not "Fix my lighthouse" as urban dictionary suggests... ^^

[during a project discussion]

Client: We've been getting very low results on google lighthouse on the site

Me: The results are highly volatile, don't believe their lies

Client: *shares screen and runns lighthouse test*

Lighthouse test: 95

Me:

It was when I ditched React. I replaced it with raw JavaScript, with frontend being built with Gulp and Twig (just because HTML has no includes). Here are the results:
1. Previously, a production frontend build took 1.5 minutes. Build time became so fast that after I push the code, the build was done before me going to Netlify to check build status. I go there, and it’s almost always already done.
2. In a gallery with a lot of cards, with every card opening a modal, the number of listeners was reduced from N to one. With React, I needed 1000 listeners for 1000 cards. With raw JavaScript, I needed just one click listener with checking event target to handle all of the cards.
3. Page load time and time-to-interactive was reduced from seconds to milliseconds.
4. Lighthouse rating became 100 for desktop and 93 for mobile.

But there is one more thing that is way better than all of the above: cognitive complexity.

Tasks that took days now take hours. Tasks that took hours now take minutes.
Tasks that took thousands of lines now take hundreds. Tasks that took hundreds of lines now take tens.

In real business apps, it is common to build features and then realize it’s not needed and should be discarded. Business is volatile, just because the real world is volatile too. With this kind of cost reduction per feature, it became way less painful to discard them. Throwing out something you spent time and emotional resource on doesn’t feel good. But with features taking minutes to build, it became easier.

Why do so many companies think that frontend work can be stuffed at the end of the product development right before a release is expected.

And to top it off, expect all things to be working, smooth, animating, responsive, crisp, fast with 100 fucking lighthouse score.

🖕 To everyone who thinks frontend work is meh!, Not real programming and similar. Fuck you!

lighthouse
{
margin-left: 25m;
}

when you run lighthouse on some tech "guru" with 50K subscriber's website and can laugh when they don't even have alts on images

hahahahahahahaha clowns

to be brutally honest, you need to know the basics before attempting to teach anyone anything, i don't care how boring it is

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Love when the client knows more than you and tells you to create a report on an imaginary tool they are 100% sure it exists because their friend is an SEO expert and thinks all pages should be running at a 100 percent on lighthouse. Fml.

Okay, this is MAJOR FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I understand variability of, dunno, 10, but 40?
The tests were ran on the same machine, one after another. What the fuck?

this is a chrome audit report/lighthouse report of the website of the company for which I work.

Not really giving a f*ck about pagespeed and lighthouse reports.

And overthinking styles…

Since I have recruitment experience, I was given a stack of resumes for a back end opening. We have an incredibly complex application, so optimization is very important. Ran a lighthouse report against one candidate's personal website. 29/100 gtfo

3 or 4 weeks ago me and management had a talk about new features in our product...
So we implemented the new features and then we released the app...
Today I got a really long bug report that summarizes into the following sentence -> BUG: Everything works exactly as we talked 4 weeks ago.... And apparently that is bad 😣

Like c'mon dudes if now it is a bug then why the fuck I needed to code that feature?! Time totally wasted for nothing! 😤

Fix My Lighthouse!

Lighthouse report from nodejs cli is rendered by javascript. Seriously, it's a report. Easy on the javascript.

Google is like the parent or teacher who is never happy with your work. I've never seen something so unattainable in a world where non-technical clients rely on CMSes, theme templating, server-side page rendering, and external scripting as Google's mobile PageSpeed recommendations. Especially under the Lighthouse audit in Chrome Inspector. Unless I go back to pre-2001 web development methods, and never have external scripting, and make every page have its own CSS file with only critical path CSS for each page, I will never get all the high scores I'm expected to have to rank well for mobile. When and how will Google get called out on this B.S.?

Why the fuck Lighthouse gives me score >90 when I run it from my laptop but ~70 when I run it from my PC? I know that variability is a thing but that's a tad bit too much.

We are getting a lot of questions about the performance of one of our site. An external bureau sended over a document with every little lighthouse point to improve. Im ok with that but if i turn that into a 3 page document with my own findings and a manager says: i dont get it maybe you should start reading the document because you clearly didn’t.

Question for the frontend devs:

When you build the front end of the website, do you keep PageSpeed Insights or Lighthouse analytics in mind,

or is it more of a "I'll deal with that later" kinda deal?

Little backstory to this - Our management wants these analytics to be close to 100% and one of the metrics is Largest Contentful Paint which is 3.2 secs, and I have no idea what that is.

how can there be any usability issue in google search console that lighthouse did not warn about before?