Your guide to passive-aggressive false apologies:

- I’m sorry you’re so sensitive
- I’m sorry that you think I did something wrong
- I’m sorry if you’re mad
- I’m sorry that you made me do it
- I’m sorry you feel that way

And, my most favorite:

- I’m sorry that you’re making such a big deal out of this.

Oh gosh, if you like building stuff, how do you find a job that is actually building stuff instead of dealing with software complexity bs, bureaucracy, red tape, processes to justify other people’s jobs… 🤦‍♂️

My iPhone 10 just fell out of my hand on the bathroom floor. It cracked a ceramic tile a bit and was completely intact.

There is no way 14 Pro or any non-rugged Android smartphone can do it.

We have new AI platforms popping out the internet every seconds. Now the problem is why the heck should I pay $499/month for your shinny new shit!

Nicotine cravings are strong today baby

Man it always feels like i know nothing. Like when you don't know HTML it feels like you know nothing .
Then you learn js, backend, some database.
But you don't know react so fuck you you know nothing.

Then you learn react, but you don't know vite, next
So you know nothing.
this cycle never ends
FUCK

The award of the most useless IDE that is nothing but bugs goes to XCode ...

For god fucking sake, PulseAudio, write a usable fucking documentation for your library and remove idiotic silent exit(1) calls and properly log what the fucking issue was

I'm tired of debugging this piece of bull shit for over a month now already while the pulse library occasionally crashes for no apparent reason

A group of wolves is called a pack.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of developers is called a merge conflict.

Have you ever wondered we programmers have so many strong communities.... Stackoverflow, devRant, Reditt, etc...
No other profession has such communities... Why? Why?
Because, we haven't built one for them.... 😂😁

When a hiring manager wants 5+ years experience in Swift.

Swift release date = June 2, 2014

😂👍🖕

Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

My girlfriend dumped me after I named a class after her. She felt I treated her like an object.

"A different error message! Finally some progress!"

Is the general public getting stupider or am i getting smarter?? I love my cousin to bits but every time he speaks, i lose brain cells. I didn’t always think he was this dumb. I find a-lot of people are too dumb to interact with lately so i stay in my house, alone, typing code and laughing at Netflix. Am i the problem?

Look, it has a sense of humour

I only catch errors so I can throw them myself.

"Hello world"

Which mechanical keyboard do you recommend me to use for coding?

And what about mechanical switch ?

YES FINALLY SOMEBODY REPLIED TO MY JOB OFFER ON UPWORK LET ME OPEN THE MESSAGE

A LINK TO A ZIP FILE WITH PASSWORD THAT LOOKS SO SKETCHY HMMMMMMMMMMM

LETS OPEN IT

WHATS THIS
- aboutus/
-- COMPANY PROFILE.docx
-- Paiza.docx
-- PROJECT WORK.docx
- requirement.lnk
- training/
-- discussion/
--- instruction/
---- democrat/
----- marketing.bat

A MARKETING.BAT FILE FOR A JOB OFFER??? HMMM THATS SO INTERESTING LET ME OPEN THIS MARKETING.BAT IN VSCODE

OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT 10,000 LINES OF CODE OF ENCRYPTED CIPHER ENCODED MALWARE TROJAN MESSAGE TO FUCK UP MY C DRIVE.

WHY EVEN BOTHER. WHY DO YOU FUCKING WASTE MY FUCKING TIME YOU *********FUCKING*******++++ SCAMMERS I HOPE YOU GET CANCER AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY DIES IN THE MOST HARMFUL PAINFUL SLOW DEATH I HOPE SOMEONE POURS ACID ON YOUR FUCKING FACE AND YOU END UP AT A MEXICAN CARTEL GORE VIDEO WEBSITE WHERE THEY CHOP YOUR FUCKING ARMS AND LEGS OFF AND PUT A PITBULL TO MAUL YOUR FUCKING TINY DICK OFF AS YOUR HEAD WATCHES IN AGONY AND YOUR ARMLESS AND LEGLESS BODY FEELS ALL PAIN WHILE YOU'RE DRUGGED WITH ADRENALINE TO STAY ALIVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE THEY CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFFFF DECAPITATED LIKE A FUCKING USELESS TURD SHIT FAGGOT WASTE OF OXYGEN SCAMMING CANCER FUCK

WHY SCAM ENGINEERS ON UPWORK????? WHAT DO YOU GET FROM IT????

One time I had this conversation with my then PM:

PM: …so in total we need like 3 extra pages; the leaders profile, event showcase and lastly a contact page.

Me: Sure, already on it.

PM: Make it simple and quick, I told the client the updates would be live in an hour.

Me: Okay.

*{5 microseconds later}*

PM: Also the page headers need to be different from the other pages.

Me: Yes, you told me that earlier.

PM: Okay, just needed to re-emphasis.

*{sad disturbing minutes later}*

PM: I don’t know if deploying on azure would be better than having the website on AWS. The pages seems slow.

Me: Yep.

PM: Or maybe we separate the asset files from the main site using a CDN.

Me: You right.

PM: The other projects on AWS seems to perform better in terms of SEO. Don’t you think?

Me: I think.

*{this dude literally just lent me a jacket and won’t allow me put it on}*

PM: So after we are done with this update we need to inform the client about the benefits of switching servers to AWS. I believe they will agree or won’t they because the event is close by?

Me: {{pointed both hands at my PC hoping they’ll get the message}}

PM: Oh you done?

Me:

Biggest distraction while working?

Management.

-> Get ticket to work on. Put an estimate and start working.
-> Management Guy #1: Hey could u please look into... this and that?
-> Management Guy #2: Hey could u please update me on (Old ticket that was fixed and updated on Jira but they would rather ask me in person).
-> Management Guy #3: Do you want to come outside for a smoke break, I know our last one was about half an hour ago but still, just 5 mins won't hurt your day.
-> Co-worker: Hey could you help with this task I am working on? I swear it won't take more than 5 mins. (It takes about an hour).

-> Miss my deadline for the ticket and get flamed for it by manager.

Okay, I didn't mean to say anything about co-workers as a distraction. It's very minimal.

Engineer: hi whats this meeting for

Employer: unfortunately today we're cutting staff and you've been affected-

Engineer: 🤣😂🤣😂🤣-

Employer: why are you laughing?!

Engineer: no no- sorry it's just-

Employer: it's not funny-

Engineer: you're broke 🤣😂🤣

Employer: what?!

Engineer: that's like so embarrassing for you-

Employer: that's offensive. That's rude

Engineer: no i mean- you should have told- i didn't know you guys were this poor

Employer: we're not poor the market shift is-

Engineer: is really cringe. I mean can we just start a gofundme campaign or something-

Employer: that won't be necessary

Engineer: this just isn't a good look for you- it's giving 😂- it's giving poverty vibes honestly🤣🤣

Employer: that is very offensive-

Engineer: I'm really embarrassed for you. I was doing three people's jobs anyway bye

I am having a pretty shitty day today, but I still wanted to recognize you for doing so well and know that you can still do anything you want to do.

$child = new Child();
$child->gender = 'female';
$wombat->children[] = $child;

I can maintain your shitty legacy node 6 code
And the shitty m3 ec2 instance with Ubuntu 16 that it runs on
And another one with postgres 9
But if I have to make a powerpoint presentation, I am jumping ship.
A man has his limits