25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often

(Warning: Contains naughty words...:-)))

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

Easyyy !!♥

De-google your life

Search:
-qwant
-startpage
-searx
-duck duck go look up the founder
-yandex (putin botnet)

Mail
-cock.li
-ProtonMail
-Posteo
-Tutanota
-your own

Browsers
-https://kek.gg/i/3g2z6d.png (superior list)
-https://kek.gg/i/67YQQx.jpg (for furfags)
-https://wiki.installgentoo.com/inde...
/Web_browsers

Collaborative documents
-quip
-turtl
-ether pad (eg: notes.typo3.org or etherpad.net)
-microsoft office online (lol)

Image Upload/Edit
-kek.gg

Video sharing
-hooktube
-bitchute.com
-vid.me
-dtube.video

Social
-gnu social (for freedom loving patriots)
-mastodon (for proprietary loving gook pedos and sjws)
-gab.ai
-minds
-diaspora

Image Upload/Edit
-kek.gg

Google CDN avoidance
-Decentraleyes

Ad and script blocking
-uBlock Origin

Share links without gibbing clicks
-archive.is

Android
-droid-break.info

How to hosts file (lol, just block google bro):
-https://archive.is/gBJ8i

Reading:
-https://wiki.installgentoo.com/inde...
/Anonymizing_yourself#Fingerprinting
-https://wiki.installgentoo.com/inde...
/Firefox#Notable_add-ons
-https://panopticlick.eff.org

"Let's add security later"

"Hardcode it for now so the client can test it, then we'll fix it later."

Never fixed.

Working at PornHub

A game being built in Godot engine..

So much better than unity 3d

From Facebook...

Ohhh helll nooooo

js validation

Boss: “Do you think you can work on Saturday? We really need the help.”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Boss: “Great, thank you.”

Me: “I’ll probably be late, though, as public transport is slow on the weekends.”

Boss: “Okay, when do you think you will be at the office?”

Me: “Monday”.

Huehuehue

Watched so many tutorials recently, my inner English voice started having an Indian accent!

Must've taken a loooot of time :)

Hahaha....... UGHH

Fact=!rant

Gf: Hey look, YouTube shows a preview of the video on mouse hover
Me: pornhub did it first
Gf:what?
Me:wut?

It saved me from suicide.

You have to understand first that things in India work differently. Academics are not personal, but a social business. Academic competition in India is very high and not in a good way, or for the good reasons.

As a teenager was sent off from my home to the other side of the country. I didn't like it. My studies suffered, and I failed my exams. Came back home and faced months of emotional abuse (guilt trips, scornful comments, plain insults) from my parents, neighbours and relatives. Indian society is just built that way. They didn't know they were damaging my psyche, or they were too angry to care. Lots of other shit (lost friends, lost love) happened at roughly the same time period and everything started to fall like dominos.

I fell into severe depression. Lost appetite, lost sleep. Nothing mattered anymore. There were mornings when I would wake up and not get up from my bed for hours, and not even move a finger. Self-hate became the motto of the day. I became violent and anti-social. I would either be angry or trying not to break down and give up all the time. Many a night, I considered suicide. I would end up googling for easy ways out to take.

But what gave me a way out of the pains of my reality was programming. It helped my keep my head, figuratively and literally. It kept my mind distracted and gave me a sense of purpose. I would shut myself in, plug in my headphones, shut the world out and just experiment.

I am not saying that I am the best at what I do, but those sleepless and troubled nights, and many other similar nights over the years have given me a definite edge over my colleagues.

Even today, when everything is falling to pieces, I know I have something to fall back on. I still get episodes of depression every now and then, but I know I can always pick up a new project and distract myself. It probably isn't healthy, but eh...

I am alive. I code. I kick ass. My colleagues respect and value my opinion. I love my job.

Computer does what I tell it to do (mostly :p) and I feel good. Because for that small moment, I am in control of everything. For that infinitesimally small moment of my average, boring, and somewhat painful life, I am God.

When your boss asks you to debug some crappy legacy code and you need to bring in the heavy artillery

Me : Here is your website. So, when can I expect my pay.😊
Client (wants to skip the pay ) : Site is not loading first fix this we can discuss later.
Me : Please conncet to internet and reload. 😒😎

Truestory 🍻

How Programmers review code

Happened just now:
Client: Please remove this page from the site ASAP, and tell me when its done.
Me: Done
Client: what's wrong am getting an error code(404) when I click on the link.

Am not sure how to reply to that

Push your commits before anyone else, so you don't have to resolve any merge conflicts 😈

For Fuck's sake never name your variables $a $b or $c. What the fuck I thought that's like the first thing they teach in whichever bush you learnt how to code at!!!!!!

Never assume "This one line can't break anything"

Another gem from r/ProgrammerHumor

I don't want to live in this world anymore. People are making fidget spinner apps, which are completely useless and getting 1 million+ downloads. And I am working hard to make educational app and hardly got 100 downloads with 0.03$ earnings.

I don't get it -.-!

"What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months." - Fred Brooks

Man, that's a pretty serious SQL warning..

Having those extra arms would come in handy