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Joined devRant on 5/23/2016
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Today I presented a client with their new website.
Feedback from the owner was "I fucking love it".
Got a cash bonus and a bottle of champagne before leaving.
Today was a good day!18 -
People who send an email saying "I'm getting an error message".
WHERE DID YOU GET IT?!
WHAT IS THE FUCKING ERROR MESSAGE?!
OH NO SURE LET ME LOOK IN MY CRYSTAL BALL, I'LL HAVE IT FIGURED OUT FOR YOU IN NO FUCKING TIME.
😡20 -
Girlfriend: What's your biggest fear?
Me: That machines take over the world.
Girlfriend: What?
Toaster: What?12 -
Just want to recommend the DevRant stress ball. I wasn't quite sure how to use it (it doesn't come with instructions) but since stuffing mine down the PM's throat my stress level has reduced dramatically.4
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┓┏┓┏┓┃
┛┗┛┗┛┃\○/
┓┏┓┏┓┃ / Friday
┛┗┛┗┛┃ノ)
┓┏┓┏┓┃ Deploys
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃
┃┃┃┃┃┃
┻┻┻┻┻┻17 -
A group of wolves is called a pack.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of developers is called a merge conflict.28 -
Interviewer: Welcome, Mr X. Thanks for dropping by. We like to keep our interviews informal. And even though I have all the power here, and you are nothing but a cretin, let’s pretend we are going to have fun here.
Mr X: Sure, man, whatever.
I: Let’s start with the technical stuff, shall we? Do you know what a linked list is?
X: (Tells what it is).
I: Great. Can you tell me where linked lists are used?
X:: Sure. In interview questions.
I: What?
X: The only time linked lists come up is in interview questions.
I:: That’s not true. They have lots of real world applications. Like, like…. (fumbles)
X:: Like to implement memory allocation in operating systems. But you don’t sell operating systems, do you?
I:: Well… moving on. Do you know what the Big O notation is?
X: Sure. It’s another thing used only in interviews.
I: What?! Not true at all. What if you want to sort a billion records a minute, like Google has to?
X: But you are not Google, are you? You are hiring me to work with 5 year old PHP code, and most of the tasks will be hacking HTML/CSS. Why don’t you ask me something I will actually be doing?
I: (Getting a bit frustrated) Fine. How would you do FooBar in version X of PHP?
X: I would, er, Google that.
I: And how do you call library ABC in PHP?
X: Google?
I: (shocked) OMG. You mean you don’t remember all the 97 million PHP functions, and have to actually Google stuff? What if the Internet goes down?
X: Does it? We’re in the 1st world, aren’t we?
I: Tut, tut. Kids these days. Anyway,looking at your resume, we need at least 7 years of ReactJS. You don’t have that.
X: That’s great, because React came out last year.
I: Excuses, excuses. Let’s ask some lateral thinking questions. How would you go about finding how many piano tuners there are in San Francisco?
X: 37.
I: What?!
X: 37. I googled before coming here. Also Googled other puzzle questions. You can fit 7,895,345 balls in a Boeing 747. Manholes covers are round because that is the shape that won’t fall in. You ask the guard what the other guard would say. You then take the fox across the bridge first, and eat the chicken. As for how to move Mount Fuji, you tell it a sad story.
I: Ooooooooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy. Right, tell me a bit about yourself.
X: Everything is there in the resume.
I: I mean other than that. What sort of a person are you? What are your hobbies?
X: Japanese culture.
I: Interesting. What specifically?
X: Hentai.
I: What’s hentai?
X: It’s an televised art form.
I: Ok. Now, can you give me an example of a time when you were really challenged?
X: Well, just the other day, a few pennies from my pocket fell behind the sofa. Took me an hour to take them out. Boy was it challenging.
I: I meant technical challenge.
X: I once spent 10 hours installing Windows 10 on a Mac.
I: Why did you do that?
X: I had nothing better to do.
I: Why did you decide to apply to us?
X: The voices in my head told me.
I: What?
X: You advertised a job, so I applied.
I: And why do you want to change your job?
X: Money, baby!
I: (shocked)
X: I mean, I am looking for more lateral changes in a fast moving cloud connected social media agile web 2.0 company.
I: Great. That’s the answer we were looking for. What do you feel about constant overtime?
X: I don’t know. What do you feel about overtime pay?
I: What is your biggest weakness?
X: Kryptonite. Also, ice cream.
I: What are your salary expectations?
X: A million dollars a year, three months paid vacation on the beach, stock options, the lot. Failing that, whatever you have.
I: Great. Any questions for me?
X: No.
I: No? You are supposed to ask me a question, to impress me with your knowledge. I’ll ask you one. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
X: Doing your job, minus the stupid questions.
I: Get out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
All Credit to:
http://pythonforengineers.com/the-p...89 -
Potential Employer: So your website does not seem to work well in Internet Explorer. A lot of employers might get annoyed with it.
Me: Yeah, I don't want them to hire me or even send me a message.2 -
So this happened... Microsoft creates Zo (left) and touts it as a great chatbot, only to have the following happen. Hoisted by their own petard. 😂16
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// repost \\
To all new devs:
• Your language of choice is fine.
• There is no superior way to indent, yours is fine.
• Your IDE is fine.
• Your OS is fine.
Unless you work in my team, of course.18 -
A few years ago, i got a call which went like this:
Phone: *rings*
Me: *looks at call, recognises the number and picks up*
Me: "Hello! Haven't heard from you in a while! How are you doing?"
Him: "I have a problem with my PC, could you..."
Me: *hangs up*
Aside from not even getting a "hello, how are you?" at the start of the call, here's the plot-twist:
A - This was my goddamn Brother calling
B - It was my goddamn birthday23 -
Boss: “Do you think you can work on Saturday? We really need the help.”
Me: “Yes, of course.”
Boss: “Great, thank you.”
Me: “I’ll probably be late, though, as public transport is slow on the weekends.”
Boss: “Okay, when do you think you will be at the office?”
Me: “Monday”.17 -
* Finds out about devRant *
* Gets all super excited about expressing dev feelings *
* Spends 30 mins thinking what to post *
I guess, just like Twitter I'll be a viewer.15 -
Website design philosophies:
Apple: "...and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and..."
Microsoft: "border-radius:0 !important;"
Google: "EVERYTHING MOVES!!! And most websites get material design. Most."
Amazon: "We're slowly moving away from 2009"
Wix: "How can we further increase load times?"
Literally any download site: "Click here! No, click here! Nononono!! Click here!!..."
Facebook: "We can't change anything because our main age demographic is around 55"
University websites: "That information isn't hard enough to find yet. Decrease the search accuracy and increase broken links."32 -
A guy and a girl are in a Java seminar.
Afterward, the guy approaches the girl and asks, "Hey gurrl, can I get your number?"
Girl says "Sorry, I don't give out my number, it's private."
Guy says, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were in the same class!"15 -
Google is full of assholes!
Just paid $25 dollars to list my app on google play store. Within 15 minutes of submitting the app, it got de-listed.
Reason:
Impersonation
Who am I impersonating?
The logo is impersonating the logo shown on MY OWN website!!!
How dafuq can you impersonate your own intellectual property?????
Contacted them back using their form. Didn't even call them "cunts". Asked to have it reviewed.
After waiting 7 business days, started sending them 1 email a day. On day 11 I sent 100 identical email asking them to review it.
Today (day 12), they cleared the app. I got this reply back.
"We found that your app was not in violation of our policies"
-Google40 -
Stranger: "what are you doing?"
Me:"I'm developing a WPF app for a personal project"
Stranger:"So it's for Windows...I prefer Linux because...blah blah"
Me: -.-
Sometimes I feel like Linux users are the Vegans of the tech world...35 -
Developers using Mac :: Work.
Developers using Linux :: Make the computer work and then work.
Developers using Windows :: Make the computer work.11 -
"Are you familiar with uploading your code to Google Drive?"
I left the building at that exact moment.41 -
//An okay long rant..
So i work at this small robotics start-up company I Copenhagen.
The first dumb part is that it only uses interns as staff, because then they don't need to pay people. (I am working part time, for free. Just to get experience (I am only 20 btw))
So.. I often get into an argument with my boss, since she is a designer with a "passion" for robotics (she has no clue how to do anything related to the work) But I often try to explain to her some current limitations in the staff, and what is possible for us to do, but she will never listen. She really wants us to design our own microcontroller board PCB, and she want it at the size of a coin. However when I tell her that none of the, non paid works has the experience or education to design such a thing, she never wants to acknowledge it, and it really pisses me off.
And her dad, who is the top boss, only care for esthetics when he is making a work environment, which is dumb when we just need to develop stuff...
Sorry if the rant was too long but had to get it out..8 -
Any devs from CIA's Frankfurt department here? I can't remember if I shut my TV off before I left home, can you check?
KTHXBYE19 -
You go to an accountant to file your itemized taxes in a couple of hours, you pay them at least $200.
You go to a lawyer to incorporate your business in 2 days, and you pay at least $800.
You hire a photographer to take pictures of your 4-hours wedding and you pay them at least $1500.
You go to your car dealership to fix something and they charge you about $125 hourly labor rate.
Now, ENLIGHTEN ME, how did you come up with the idea that the web application I will create for your business in 8 weeks (design, code, test, deploy, server administration) should not cost more than $500????!!!!!18