Today my classmate came up to me and said he was a hacker.

I told him to prove it, and guess what? HE ACTUALLY HACKED GOOGLE!

It was amazing! He impressed so many kids in the class with his skills of pressing F12! How impressive is that?

He even wore a black hoodie and can spell his name in binary code. Not to mention, he changed google doc's page color to black and the font to green as he typed his essay.

I need to be careful... This 1337 h4x0r is really scary.

83w4r3

Boss telling client we use Java in the browser.

The most incompetent co-worker is that idiot who wrote this piece of crappy code! Oh wait, that's me!

Me: "I'll never be able to do this"

Me: "I suck at coding"

Me: "What am I even looking at"

Me: "Im going to get fired for being incompetent"

Me: "They could have hired a child with more coding prowess"

Supervisor: "Hey, good job. Keep up the good work."

Me: "Pfft of course you're talking to a pro here."

Guys, I've been thinking.

When I get married I'm gonna make my partner agree to terms of service and my privacy policy instead of the lame wedding vows 😛

Instead of 'I do', it'll be 'I agree'.

Should also probably make him sign an NDA incase things go south.

Edit:
Also, probably a code of bathroom conduct. (I just remembered that football while peeing rant)

I call your web design problems and raise you my html email design problems.

Fucking outlook.

Finally found time for myself.
And colorful liners. I found colorful liners too.

Fuck my life...

Okay, so I’m working on a web app with a small group... the app is basically a lead generator for new business in another country. We just need contact details cause they’re a fucker to buy.

Step 1: prototype to the investors, working with the ceo to make this thing look shiny AF.

Goes well as fuck.

CEO: “when can we get this out?”

Me: “it’s basically done mate, get your guys to look at it and we can talk about marketing”

Que a shower of 10 or so bellends with senior in their title going into a room and coming out with:

Bellends: “so on this page we want the user to confirm and accept the contract”

Me: “cool, makes some sense, that’s what it’s already doing.”

Bellends: “afterwards we want to show them the price and have them put in their banking details.”

Me: “Wait, you what when?”

Bellends: “Yeah, well Jenny says we should have as few clicks as possible to get to the final stage and have the customer accept.”

Me: “Jenny’s on fucking crack, moving the contract formation phase to after the contract acceptance stage is not an option”

Bellends: “Oh it’s okay, Andy in legal said that would be okay”

Me: “Andy’s a fucking moron, tell him that online contract formation laws were updated 2014/2015 and you can’t do that anymore”

Bellends: “No, andy’s legal, surely he knows”

Bellends: “We want all of this above the fold”

Me: “OH FUCKING SUCK A DICK YOU ABSOLUTE BAND OF FUCKWADS... which one of you, which one hasn’t looked at a website this millennia!?”

Needless to say I ignored all their shit, got the lead generator out and told the CEO those ten people are certifiably fucking useless.

Bonus round; recent, but “it has to be on internal infrastructure”

“Why? It’s a mobile app sending rest calls to a third party saas.”

“It just has to, we have this thing called the private cloud and w”

“Wait... you what son, priv 🤦🏼‍♂️ private what mate?”

“Private cloud”

“You... you mean a server rack?”

“Nah we spent £2mn on it, it’s brilliant”

“Hahahaha you fucking dick, you blew £2mn on server infra with fuckall to put on it!?”

“No, no it’s the private cloud”

“Fucking idiot, aye son, where’s the fucking bean stalk you prick!?”

“It has to go on internal infr”

“Shut up, that won’t work”

Once a month I get a crash for the stupid PHP site I am in charge of because the guy who made the database made the primary key of a table a varchar. It is a number 99.9% of the time but the dumbass customer always enters one entry with a string cuz the dumbass db Dev let them. I emailed the dumbass Dev telling him he is stupid and he said it is part of their philosophy. I told him I still think he is stupid so he emailed my boss.

I emailed him again telling him he is stupid.

Just read a forum thread where someone uses an excel spreadsheet as their database for a PHP website. What makes it worse is they have done this for the past 12 years.

Is this real or someone taking the piss?

Coding has changed my life in a way where I no longer look for simple answers. I look at things deeper and more logically.

That this picture for example, I was at a pub quiz and got this handout, #2 I was thinking was hex, or the ASCII table or some sort of shifted by one arrangement. Nope! They just put numbers between the fucking letters!?!?!??

Best show ever

My personal life is in shambles-but goddamn is my code clean.

There's not much worse than trying to fix your CSS for half an hour, only to realise that it's a cache issue...

First step to refactoring your predecessor's code.... Vent in a comment...

Boss insists on using WordPress for every project cause it powers 25% of the web.

Getting a Java Null Pointer Exception

This generation....

How I feel when I give the last upvote needed to get someone's rant a sticker.

Google: "Please prove you're a human."
Me: "Hello Google, I'm human!"
Google: "Prove you're a human..."
Me: *Stabbing my finger and dripping blood on the computer*
Google "Prove you're a human!!"
Me: *Crying, laughing, expressing feelings*
Google: "Prove you're a human I said!!!"
Me: "4527"
Google:" Thank you."

That moment when reading devRant is more enjoyable than reading facebook

Thanks @dfox for adding the double tap to upvote feature, I mean, bug. You're a saint

so true!!

I went to Paris for my first interview (that was 1989) for a job of Unix kernel developer. All dressed up. I step out of the elevator and see a young punk with scruffy hair and different colour shoes. I reckon he must be the pizza delivery guy. I ask him "dude, can you please point me to the CEO's office for interview". He said "sure, follow me man, I'll show you". We arrive at a desk, he sat down in the big chair and looks at me with a big smile and says "Ok dude, here we are. I am the CEO. Now let's see how good you are!"
I got the job. And 26 years latet, last week, amazing coincidence: I met him again at a trade show in Paris ... with the same coloured shoes. How cool is that!!!

Stupid users gonna be stupid.

For those who paid attention to my heated London interview excursion:

I got the job, I'm now employed by Cisco systems!!!!!!

Made our wifi password "********" so that when you click "Preview password" you see the same thing. Yes, I have a college degree and yes, that's probably the most clever thing I'll ever be able to do with it.

"We can refactor that later"

College projects, they teach you to write Hello world in different languages for 4 years and they want you to develop big sites like Facebook in a month.

Can we take emails out of the 1990's? Developing with tables and inline styles is no fun at all.