Big companies be like :

In an alternative universe...

Woah, Black Betty, Bag of RAM

I just helped one of our cleaners get Internet since the management whitelisted devices that can get WiFi access.

I believe that anyone, regardless of position, must have equal access to the resources in this company.

I was in my way back from work when this guy speeds off the on-ramp onto the highway and almost hits me.

I suppose you could say that it was a pretty serious merge conflict...

Hahaha....... UGHH

I accidentally open eclipse (Java code) during a demo.

The same smart ass Einstein's cousin business guy : Oh that is SQL, I have learnt it.. it was too simple for me that is why I decided not to be a developer

Me : You are lucky it's Friday

Being able to reproduce a random bug is an art!

Why is there no Skype for Business client for Linux, is it so hard? :(

oh, it's getting serious

So I just got let go because there was not enough work to keep me full time. Yet my manager was farming out dev work to a 3rd party developer... Fml

After 2 months of delay, my baby is finally here!!!

Agile is cool but management likes to screw it up by trying to micromanage. This usually starts but making an inexperienced pm your scrum master. They control all meetings and turn daily standup to a 30 minute interrogation session.

+ if you can relate to this...

I am starting to suspect that Agile means: "Tell the devs to do whatever you want on any given day, depending on how you feel on that particular day" to some people.

This is what Daily Standups turn into when a hard baked Waterfall team is forced to adopt Agile... and the Manager is made the SMaster! 😳☹️😫😭

This + 🙄

"Agile" - seems to be a synonym for "make it up as you go along"

Let's build a house with no blueprint, no idea how it should look but have daily meetings about the bathroom... #Scrum

i hate everything about programming except programming.

i hate version control, i hate agile, i hate package managements, i hte deploying, i hate clients. I hate that i cant get shit done.

Bus-Factor: A new metric to describe how well kowledge is distributed among the team members by calculating how many of your team members can be run over by a bus without killing your project!

Our daily scrum meetings be like...

Manager: I need estimates for your sprint tasks

Me: I've never done any of this before, my estimates have no context and are effectively worthless

Manager: don't worry it's just for the Jira board.

Me: OK *gives estimates*

End of sprint comes...

Manager: Why isn't task X done?

Me: *sigh*

I don't miss my old job :)

Agile development in a nutshell.

I've been doing agile wrong my entire life

Got this from a recruiter:

We are looking for a **Senior Android Developer/Lead** at Philadelphia PA

Hiring Mode: Contract

Must have skills:

· 10-12 years mobile experience in developing Android applications
· Solid understanding of Android SDK on frameworks such as: UIKit, CoreData, CoreFoundation, Network Programming, etc.
· Good Knowledge on REST Ful API and JSON Parsing
· Good knowledge on multi-threaded environment and grand central dispatch
· Advanced object-oriented programming and knowledge of design patterns
· Ability to write clean, well-documented, object-oriented code
· Ability to work independently
· Experience with Agile Driven Development
· Up to date with the latest mobile technology and development trends
· Passion for software development- embracing every challenge with a drive to solve it
· Engaging communication skills

My response:

I am terribly sorry but I am completely not interested in working for anyone who might think that this is a job description for an Android engineer.

1. Android was released in September 2008 so finding anyone with 10 years experience now would have to be a Google engineer.
2. UIKit, CoreData, CoreFoundation are all iOS frameworks
3. Grand Central Dispatch is an iOS mechanism for multithreading and is not in Android
4. There are JSON parsing frameworks, no one does that by hand anymore

Please delete me from your emailing list.

Simple, it's recursion

Debug time, Eh?

So somebody posted the top left pic, I think now its fixes for the current times

When you about to start a project by doing a small module, but as you code, you keep thinking about scalability, security dependencies and such....

....three hours later, you still haven't written code