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This story is 100% true.
I got hired onto a team of construction workers to build a house. We set up a meeting with Management to find out what kind of house they wanted us to build, where’s the floor plan, what it’s going to be used for, who it’s for, etc. Management said that they didn’t know all that, we should just get started. They told us that we were going to use “Agile” which means that we just work on small deliverables and build the thing incrementally.
The developer team lead argued that we at least need to know how big the thing is going to be so that we can get started pouring the foundation, but Management told him they just don’t know. “What we do know,” Management said, “is that the house is going to have a bathroom. Just start there, and we’ll know more when it’s done. You have two weeks.”
So we just bought a port-a-potty, and screwed around on the internet for two weeks. Management was outraged. “You call this a house? This is the worst house ever! It doesn’t even have a tv!”
So we bought a tv and put it in the port-a-potty, attached to an outdoor generator. We were going to buy a a dvd player and get it hooked up to cable, but Management rejected the expense request, saying that they didn’t know if we needed it, and we’d come back to that later.
Management decided that we definitely need storage space, so we bought a boxcar and duct-taped the port-a-potty to it. Then to our horror they set up some desks and put a few miserable business interns in there. It went on like this…
After a few years the boxcar grew into a huge, ramshackle complex. It floods, leaks, it’s frozen in the winter and an oven in the summer. You have to get around in a strange maze of cardboard tubes, ladders and slides. There are two equally horrible separate buildings. We’re still using just the one outdoor generator for all power, so electricity is tightly rationed.
Communication between the buildings was a problem. For one of them, we use a complex series of flag signals. For the other we write notes on paper, crumple the paper up, and toss it over. Both of these methods were suggested as jokes, but Management really liked them for some reason. The buildings mostly talk to each other but they have to talk through us, so most of what we do is pass messages on.
It was suggested that we use paper airplanes instead of crumpled up balls, but the fat, awkward fingers of the Business Majors who inevitably take those jobs couldn’t be trained to make them. I built an awesome automatic paper airplane folder, but once again they couldn’t be trained to use it, so they just went back to crumpling the notes up in balls.
The worst part of all this is that it’s working. Everyone is miserable, but the business is making money. The bright side is that this nightmare complex is done so now we know what kind of building they actually needed in the first place, so we can start work on it. Obviously we can’t tell Management anything about what we’re doing until it’s finished. They noticed the gigantic hole in the ground where the foundation is coming in, but we told them that it’s a cache reset, and they mostly ignore it except when the occasional customer falls in.
I’ll probably be out of here before the new building gets finished. I could get a 50% raise by switching jobs, but Management still doesn’t think I should get a raise because I missed a couple sprints.7 -
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.4 -
If I had a child I would name him or her "sudo" so I would be sure he/she would do what I say.
"Sudo don't touch the oven!"6 -
Sister's new boyfriend at xmas party: So what do you do for a living?
Me: Well, I would say I'm a "full stack" developer, but what does that even mean anymore right? With the state of front-end development being in a constant state of flux and/or kissing its own ass, and every client demanding their one page website used solely for their phone number be offline first WPA SPA Web 7.0 REST Enabled clusterfuck that requires using at least 65% of the AWS stack, most of it completely uselessly. But hey, Neural Network AI looks good on your "grandma's cookies" website, and for only $9,000 per month you can now set the timer on your oven from your phone. So, man, I guess even though I've now been at it twenty years, even I'm not sure what the fuck it is I do anymore. How about you?
Sister's Boyfriend: I'm unemployed.10 -
New rant = Rant.type(['non-dev', 'public transportation']).init()
So i am taking the bus now to see a friend, and this fucking whale woman comes on board with a baby caddy, except, it wasn't for a baby, but for a fucking dog the size of a brick. That already in itself makes me grumble because dogs have fucking legs and there is no fucking real need to carry them around like newborns.... Anyways this woman sits and takes up a lot of space for the 'handicapped' persons for her fucking baby dog... So far no real issue there since people with disabilities hardly get on this bus line. A fzw bus stops later an equally whale black woman gets on the bus, obviously struggling with her size and her caddy filled with groceries...
There is enough room to accomodate the baby caddy and her groceries.
That fucking white whale says to her 'there is no room there, move someplace else'... The black woman stands there in disbelief, and this is the first time i look up, giving the 'the fuck you just say bitch' look to the white whale. I mention there is enough room and the black whale sits carefully next to the dog caddy.
Now the bus takes a sharp turn, the dog caddy tips over due to the g-forces it causes...and inmediately this white whale shouts to the black whale 'fucking retard, don't tip my dog over!' this while the black woman apologises for the fall of the caddy not even being her fault...
This angered me so puch that i rantzd to this woman: 'madam, thzre is such a thing called physics, the bus made a sharp turn and your stupud useless space-wasting dog caddy tipped over bzcause of that. Don't just go accusing people for your own degenerate racist lifestyle. I suggest you hold on to it and apologise to the lady'
She then murmles incomprehensibly and gives a butthurt look, rhe black woman thanks me and tries to remain very quiet on her seat, eventually she gets off
This fucking thing makes me angry to a level i wanna toeturz that whale by peeling off her skin with garden fence metal wiri g, suck the fat out of her body and brain with an industrial vacuum cleaner and put her in the fucking oven baking in her own fat, of course without any anesthetics...
Damnit all to hell!
Also, why on earth do dogs need caddy's? They got perfectly fine legs!
I know, sadist inside11 -
Life with Windows 10:
An absolute nightmare. My oven doesn't work, Washing machine started rattling, toaster toasted more than it was supposed to toast. Every time windows updates it restarts my TV in my living room.
Then I met my neighbour. He lives a very happy life. I always wanted to know his secret ingredients.
One day I invited him to my house and he saw my Windows machine. He immediately insisted that I install Linux so that I can be happy and cool like him.
And that's the day my life changed. My oven started to bake beautifully, my washing machine was spinning at full speed.
Linux changed my life. I'm now part of the cool kids. Everyone loves me, embraces me.
Is your life hard? Are you not being noticed by other cool boys/girls? Are you having pain in your back? Remember:
Whatever bad happens, it's Windows 10's fault.8 -
When the boss believes that adding more devs to a project in the last week of a three month stint will "get it out the door faster".
Because baking that cake at twice the temperature for half the time worked so well last time, we'll do it while the oven is rolling down a cliff.4 -
*me reading @Alice 's cake recipe
"biscuits violently dismembered"
"dark as our souls."
"slowly and painfully molten butter"
"press your victim tightly against it"
"before it freezes to death"
"Put it into the oven and torture your victim"
"so it fills the hole in its heart"
Well... Wut. Da. Frigging. Heck. I've. Just. Read.8 -
Do ya ever hate how often people use the term "AI" so loosely. It's like saying your thermostat or your "smart oven" (or "smart"-everything) is "AI-infused" because it can regulate the temperature. Unless the machine actually learns something for next time around, a bunch of "if" statements isn't truly AI in my book.5
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My fucking campus building.
Really. Built a new one in 2017, we started to study there since Oct 2017 til now and lemme tell something: it's shit. My classroom's paint cracked 2 months in. My classroom lacks a projector which is standard for every classroom to have one back in the old campus building. But nooope. No projector for 1.25 years, at least by now compensated by a 50" TV which whoever the fuck installed the thing took the *only* stock HDMI cable. Shitty floor tiling (think r/mildlyinfuriating but worse), shitty toilet that would break down every 2 weeks and "over the top" gymnasium with air ventilation so bad it feels like Hitler's fucking oven every time we got in.2 -
Oh shit, a 16 yo guy come with a MacBook Air to repair.
“My mom hide the Mac in the oven. And my dad to preheat the oven...”
Really?? Yep, all keyboard keys jumped but he boots normally after disconnect/reconnect internal battery.13 -
For me, nothing is better than getting home after a long day, put a pizza in the oven, get a beer from the fridge and just sit back and do nothing for a little bit.2
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WHO THE FUCK USES A MICROWAVE OVEN AT A RADIO TELESCOPE SITE?
Aussies of course!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...
8 -
I was playing kitchen with my niece today and we were baking a cake. After she put it in the toy oven, without thinking, I spat out:
"How long do you think it will build for?"
I've never seen such a confused look 😂 -
!dev
This was a long time ago when I was a pizza delivery guy (summer job). One of my managers could barely handle any pressure. He would often lose it during the dinner rush. He was disorganized and never gave clear directions to his team. One night he totally blew up. He threw a large pizza shovel across the kitchen. It went crashing into the oven in a loud bang. This was in full view of customers on the other side of the counter and several of us workers, all in shock.
It was my last night there as I had handed in my resignation letter two weeks prior. Boy was I glad to get out of there8 -
Today I spent like 30 mins trying to pass one of FreeCodeCamps test.
Found the problem.
I added 'u' to "favorite" when creating the field for a schema. 😂😂😭10 -
The coffee/food room on my floor is absurd.
On day, the Keurig machines, microwave oven and convection oven all disappeared. Turns out they were owned by some employees and when they moved to an other floor they took their stuff with them.
In the caffeine-deprived panic that ensued, a bunch of other employees pooled together some money and went across the street to purchase new applicances.
They now charge us 5¢ for each packet of sugar or milk/cream cup. And they announced it with a passive-aggressive poster with an angry dog on it.2 -
A microwave can cook potatoes in ten minutes!? Why the fuck did nobody tell me?
A lot of workplaces only offer a microwave and no oven, and barley a kitchen to prepare stuff.
Hence, I was rarely bringing in my own food as I worked under the assumption that I had to prepare it at home and just heat it up at work. And potatoes take round about ~40 minutes the way I make them (20 min to cook, 20 min to steep).
Now, I will be using the shit out of those technical wonders and save a lot of money in the progress, as I used to go to restaurants almost daily for lunch time. Heck, I may even buy myself one for home use.
Oh, now I remember why!
This is what I get by being brought up by a somewhat esoteric mother.
"Microwave are no good, the taint the food."
No, they do not. It's science!4 -
I called it TextPaste, or was it VidPaste 🤔. Anyways, it was an attempt to promote my laziness in copying code from YouTube videos or images by using text recognition. I called my coding style "Lazy Art," 😂. It was completed....sorta. I mean, it worked sometimes....
5 -
!rant
Digging though my old emails found this joke sent to me long time ago. Think that originally was posted in a 1997 issue of Computerworld. Maybe you already suffered the effect of the "Opcodes" listed here. Hope that !tl;dr
ARG Agree to Run Garbage
BDM Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS Damage Disk and Stop
EMR Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE Fake Serious Error
GSI Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS Go Quarter Speed
HEM Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD Inhale Dust and Die
IKI Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF Jam Paper Feed
JUM Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW Make Aggravating Whine
NNI Neglect Next Instruction
OBU Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG Pass Noxious Gas
QWF Quit Working Forever
QVC Question Valid Command
RWD Read Wrong Device
SCE Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ Send Data to Japan
TTC Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC Use Bad Chip
VDP Violate Design Parameters
VMB Verify and Make Bad
WAF Warn After Fact
XID eXchange Instruction with Data
YII Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM Zero All Memory -
Final year at the university, and I only feel regret.
I hoed around in different technologies and fields. I had developed a game that i played with my friends back in high school. They liked it, so in varsity, i tried game development, 3d modelling scared me off, or rather I pussied out.
Web development, didn't go too deep, App Development with Flutter, didn't go too deep, Cybersecurity, went as far as passing the EC council's exams (the training wasn't that good). I tried putting my knowledge into practice, but resources like HTB aren't really free, you need money to learn (one would say i didn't try hard enough ) but now the certificate sits, useless in my resume, anything I learned fading away. I had an idea that applied blockchain, but my dad said "blah blah blah you could be targeted" (are there symbols for paraphrasing ?). I decided to decide on a stack (picked MERN, good idea ?) and work on it, but I feel like maybe tech isn't for me. AJR songs really hit now.
Final year at the university, and I only feel regret.2 -
A man dies, but how did everyone know he was sick? They saw his coffin.
Ted passes gas in a meeting. Manager: You have gone to far Ted!
I have named my oven Michael Jackson. It takes far to long to pre-hee-heat!2 -
I connected oven to wifi using application on my phone but application on my phone didn’t connected to oven.
So now I need to disconnect oven from wifi to connect oven to my phone.
I connected dishwasher last month, first I needed to take a photo of qr code and send it to my laptop to be able to scan it cause it was to small and dishwasher app didn’t recognized it. Looks like dishwasher decided to disconnect from wifi this week so I need to repeat the whole process again.
I also bought connected washing machine and fridge but I think I will try to connect them next month when I manage hopefully to connect my oven.
Seriously home appliances iot is complete shit. Looks like there is no wide known standard of establishing connection so everyone is doing it on it’s own. All this security procedures to connect something to your local network are crap. I hope oven won’t disconnect from wifi.17 -
!dev Just a story.
So my wife is cooking me some stuffed pork in a George Foreman grill. The cut is very thick. She decides to cook the rest of the pork cuts in the oven. I am going to eat the one cooked in the grill.
So I decide to joke: "So am I getting trichinosis today?"
She: "Are you questioning my cooking ability! Get out!"
Me: "What?! Are you joking? Are you serious?" <I have no clue>
Next day:
Me: "Were you really upset about the trichinosis comment?"
Her: "Not really, I wouldn't poison you on purpose. Although you saying that kind of makes me feel like you doubt my cooking."
Me: "I was joking the grill might not get it all cooked. I don't doubt your cooking."
Her: "So my nefarious plan totally worked." <sends picture of ominous racoon wringing fingers together>
Me: "I have eaten some iffy shit over the years at home and abroad. I usually just shrug and wonder if I am gonna have diarrhea."
Her: <laughing for a good 5 minutes and sending me laughing memes>
No diarrhea today. All is well.1 -
Why write tests for frontend when I can clearly see it works......I mean, c'mon, the like button is incrementing....this button doesn't like been tested (T-T)10
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Can’t sleep these days.
Life sucks, death sucks more.
Computers break nowadays
My keyboard is full of dirt ore.
I miss two keys up and down
so looks there is no hell or heaven.
Twitch data leak is downloading slow,
I made buns in the oven.
I’m in the spiral of death,
my born was meaningless,
hot milk is hurting my teeth,
I use it to invoke sleepiness.
Nothing works,
everyone showoff
everything breaks,
I’m powering off3 -
I've been using Linux for so long I've become completely unimpressed by Windows. Yeah I use it for work but even that might not be for much longer if I can help it. Pop OS from System 76 supports Actjve Directory out the box now, so I'll see how that goes. But really and truly I can't say I'm surprised Windows 11 either can't run on a spec'd out gaming PC or is turning your 2019 Dell into a toaster oven 🤔.8
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Higher refresh rates are an absolute garbage feature in warm countries.
My laptop switches to 300 Hz refresh rate, automatically, when I plug the charger in. And 2 mins later, my laptop is a literal oven and the fans sound like a fighter jet flying right above ur head.
My phone has a 144 and 120 Hz refresh rate feature but I never use it. I played a game of PUBG Mobile on 120 Hz and it made my phone so hot I couldn't hold it properly.9 -
I want to work on my project (well it's just a copy of another website) so bad, but it's the exam period. Mendokusē
4 -
[!dev], [toasters]
Does everyone only ever toast perfectly uniform slices of bread?
My grandma has a toaster that has two doors which open to the side and are held closed by a spring. This way if a slice is too thick the door can't close properly, but the damn thing still works. It's from before ww2, like most dead simple devices that work surprisingly well. I can't find anything similar anymore. The only two types now are the top-loaded design that simply doesn't work with thick slices, and the version for Americans or families of twelve that is the form factor of a smaller oven. (Which I obviously don't have room for. I already have an oven.)
Btw, how should I tag this? It's a rant, but it has nothing to do with the platform except perhaps the undocumented dependency between toasters and bread slicing machines.7 -
Anyone wanna come over for breakfast? I made oven apple maple pancakes and bacon and Turkish coffee 😌11
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Depends. If the schedule is busy enough, i try to carry on and focus on simpler, low-effort high-reward tasks so i don't stagnate.
If there is nothing getting burned in the oven i just call it the day and go out or relax with some game/show ^_^
I feel like all this "keep calm and carry on" mindset to solves crisis is just the result of bad micro-management of the society as a whole, but maybe i just get filosophical and anarhist when i'm low on motivation 🤔 -
A whole year (weekends) for a stressful unpaid (they give data stipends tho) internship. I was looking for experience, but what have I gotten myself into.2
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The combination of an AIO cooler and liquid metal heatsink paste and a processor that isn't broken has really done wonders for my productivity.
An unexpected side effect of having a machine that can operate under load without instantly blue screening or crashing is that the room it is in turns into an oven pretty quickly. -
Looking for Electric Industrial Oven? You are in the right place. These electrically powered ovens are made of galvanized steel or stainless steel available with internal volume 2CBM, 9CBM, 16CBM, 24CBM… . Custom size can be accessed according to your needs.
2 -
I have hoed around in different technologies during my university life, Web dev, game dev, cybersecurity (even got a CEH certificate, the training wasn't adequate tho and it's an expensive field needing all those certs), tried blockchain, machine learning but at the end, I haven't gotten anything done. No big projects.... well, apart from a miniproject that extracts text from videos, doesn't work half the time (T-T), No internships...no experience, nothing. I was really, reaaally dumb xD
Now, in my 4th and final year of university , I have decided to settle on Web development (MERN) with game dev on the side (leisure activities), but I need advice.
Before deciding my path, I enrolled in the year-long ALX Software Engineering course. I'm in my 6th month. It promises access to The Room, where they say job opportunities that aren't shared publicly exist. Problem with the course, tho, is they rush, and I don't get time to consolidate what I learn in the course. I feel like i am not gaining anything (first few months were cool). I am on the verge of giving up cos I found solace in FullStackOpen. It teaches MERN, is self-paced, and ergo gives me time to build my portfolio and has a nice community. I know what to do (quit and focus on my portfolio and projects cos my CV is crap ), but advice from you all could really help. Thanks in advance seniors, this little brother appreciates it.
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