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Search - "bark"
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My GF just selected all files on her harddrive and clicked "Open".
The look at her face when she figured out what she have done.
BONUS: She restarts her computer, and upon start she selects Yes to the "Your computer shutdown unexpected, would you like to re-open the applications" popup 😂12 -
I stare through the blueish black backgrounds and blurry colorful syntax into a somewhat familiar office within a mirrored world. That damned reflective glass layer covering these meaningless pixels is certainly not on my side.
The rushing sound of transactions flowing through cables is silenced today. Some blood cloth in the invoicing system is zeroing out everything after the currency mark.
While sighing I spin a one-and-a-half pirouette on my desk chair — even when desperate, you shouldn't give up on style — I take three steps away from my screen and try to harmonize my thoughts.
So much noise, everywhere... Noise from within?
I have been stuck at the apogee of an inhale for a while now. Locked into some masochistic constriction, self-punishment for the blindness which stings my ego.
Just fucking take a deep breath you asshole...
I freeze in place, and fall backwards.
Patterns on the creamy drywall rapidly vibrate and synchronize on vivid rhythms of respiration and resonating basslines. Deep indigo rainbows ripple through tiny veins, in-between chalky grains, raining as fine magenta dust through the ceiling frames.
My bare feet slide over soft oscillating concrete, fine flows of unsievable sand surrounded by toes, toes surrounded by streaming variables veiled in obscure vile abstractions.
A jadegreen field of vectored compressions resiliently rumbles and bounces through the clearances and corners of the vibrant concrete office cave, whispering in tongues. I try to voice my woes in little blips and bleeps but I seem to be missing an asymmetric key to their shrouded sequenced speech.
Suddenly, a wild turbulence breaks up all signals.
Joanna floats by in her tipsy effervescent cloud of disordered black hair and alcohol perfume, one hand grasping grapes, her other waving at me.
With every finger she moves a thousand tensors propagating paradoxically flawed but perfect pieces of an intricate surreal picture, sketching whole constellations of possible paths throughout the leafs of the giant Ficus next to her desk.
She stops dead in her tracks, and asks somewhat hypocritically: "Are you high?"
I can not discern the meaning of her words, and respond stoically.
"Joanna! Check out those branches!".
"Pun intended?", she giggles.
I'm focused on her grapeless hand, her fingers stretching to reach the lush little tree.
On touch, the plant shivers, grappled in the tight net of the puppet master. She pulls her strings, applying measured weights, all nodes normalize, and Joanna speaks in an oddly soft tone:
"Isn't it beautiful, how so many models emulate nature"
Her cheek buried in foliage she babbles on about unbalanced search trees and machine learning models... but from the tips of her fingers tables and indexes flow into the plant. Users, payments, tariffs, invoices and taxes crawl over the bark, joining at thicker branches, joining at the stem....
Joining. JOINING. A JOIN.
"IF THERE'S NO FUCKING TAX MULTIPLIER IN THIS LEFT JOIN, EVERYTHING COALESCES TO ZERO" I shout at a perplexed Joanna who squeezes grape juice over her desk. I hop on the beat to my keyboard. She looks puzzled, hugs her Ficus tightly, and reaches for the whiskey bottle behind her monitor.
Attracted by my exclamation, Tom from finance swings open the door, while I push my branch.
I look at Joanna still half hiding between the leaves, and I laugh at her: "Branches! Oh, lame, I finally got it!"
Tom's heavy voice interrupts me: "Does this mean... does this mean that the invoicing bug is resolved?".
I smile at Tom with his tailored suit and waxed hair. "The money is flowing once more. All debts are being settled."
He releases his breath in relief, which he seems to have held since that morning as well.
Joanna adds: "Although I think he is forever indebted to my Ficus".
I nod.14 -
Programmer's son asks his father:
Dad, why do the sun rises on the east and sets on the west ?
Father: It works ! Do not dare to touch it.4 -
Bark OS X
Barkosoft
Bark Gates
PHBark
Larabark
Bark.js
XBark
Kanbark
Body-barker
BARK.NET
Linux Bark
Elebarkary OS
sudo apt-bark install
MySQBark
Rebarx
iBark
Deadbark
Backbark
Bark-up
Road & Track: The Need for Bark
XBark One
Bark Station 4
Unbark Engine
C-bark
Objective-Bark
Sbark (Slack, okay this one's a stretch)
StackOverbark
Daft Bark - Motherbark (listening to it right now)
EBark
Counter-Bark
NBARK
Abark
Hewlett - Barkard
Huabark
Barkdroid, of course
Xamabark
BarkScript
Logibark
AMBark
Alright, back to work :)14 -
FUCK LINUX
now that I have your attention, and you’re probably angry, too, please, even if you don’t read this rant, never use code.org again. now, onto the rant…
god dammit, code.org sucks. I mean, anyone who created it or associates with it should, well, be considered a terrorist. they’re bombing students futures in computer science with false, useless, bullshit information. not to mention, their sponsors like bill gates, mark zuckerburg, and other rich asses, talk in a video about some boring ass shit that is hard to understand for anyone who doesn’t program, and not to mention, they use a fucking five dollar microphone. ear rape. even if you look at a textual version of it, then read the information on it, it’s practically useless because it's so terribly explained, and also useless. ironically enough, they focus on their animations more than their actual explinations, or their students for that matter. the fact that we had to encode a picture in binary, made me about 50% dumber, give or take a 0 or 1. then, we had to do it in hex, which wasn’t really much better, although more realistic I supposed. what's really the most depressing thing about this class is its application in the real world. I've learnt nothing whatsoever that will help me in the real world, or in computer science. I suppose there's two things that may be useful (that I already knew): hex, and that TCP doesn't lose packets. that's it. those two things. five seconds worth of knowledge from the first quarter of the year. the ideas just make me want to throw up. teaching the main ideas of computer science without actually teaching it? one of the teachers (probably a good one) enrolled her students in an online programming course just so they could understand, because the explanations are just so terrible. this is the only [high school] computer science course offered by code.org, and I signed up because it's an AP computer science class (tried to get into AP Java, the day I was supposed to take the test to get into an upper level class, I was told it didn't count as a tech credit). seriously, fuck code.org. it makes you dumber. their 'app lab' environment is pointless, just like everything else. the app lab is basically where you have a set of commands and have to make a dog bark() or a storm trooper miss() [and that's hell when they haven't introduced while loops yet]. the app lab is literally code.org going out of their way to make everything that their students are learning pointless in the real world. seriously, why can't we just use a <canvas> like an ACTUAL PROGRAMMER would do if they were to make a browser game, not use an app engine so slow it would be faster to update windows and android studio each time I run an 'app' in their 'environment'. their excuse is that the skills "transfer over" to the real world. BITCH! IF I DIDN'T KNOW JAVA, AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GAME IN JAVA, I'M NOT GOING TO LEARN PYTHON, THEN "TRANSFER" THE SKILLS I LEARNT, I'M GOING TO LEARN FUCKING JAVA. AND THAT GOES FOR EVER OTHER LANGUAGE, PROJECT, ETC.
I'm begging you code.org, stop, get help.9 -
Once Upon a Time.........
Three database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out Because they could not find a table.1 -
Ok might as well share my misadventure on a phone screen:
It started pretty normal, the guy talks about his background, the position, and asked me about my background.
Move on to the language trivia; I’m not good at memorizing language features, but I guess it’s what people want, so I’ll be working on that down the road… Anyways it didn’t go well, and the guy somehow made me feel like an idiot even on the questions I got right.
It’s really awkward at this point… but let me tell you I was not prepared for what I can only describe as the fucking coding portion of the phone screen…
No computer. No pencil or paper. No whiteboard. Over the phone I’m saying: “class Dog with a capital ‘D’ colon newline tab def space bark open parentheses close parentheses….”
what the actual fuck4 -
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks.Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.3 -
Almost all my family think I'm free tech support.
My dad knows what I do and he's proud because I finished uni (he didn't), he sometimes asks for help (he repairs electronic stuff) and I try as hard as possible to be useful (it's fun!). He knows that (most of the time) I'm working when I'm in my laptop, so he doesn't bother me, he kindly asks if he needs help with something.
My brother's studying the same I did, he's doing fine. I think better than me when I started.
My sister knows that I can repair her phone/laptop but she asks me to do it whenever I have free time and how she can avoid to "damage" it again.
My friends think I'm awesome, but I'm in constant stress (thanks imposter syndrome!).
My dog, he just barks and smiles whenever I'm around and he thinks I'm awesome, so I have that going on for me, which is nice.
🐶3 -
To paraphrase Paul Graham:
Arguing that Vue is better than React is like arguing that grasshoppers taste better than tree bark.11 -
I'm having a strong urge to kill that asshole that asked me, on a SECOND interview for a SENIOR position if I knew what ORM was!!!
Are you making me fucking waste my time you fucking cunt???
Did you fucking read my CV?
Obviously not because you would have seen several ORM technologies on it you fucking piece of shit.
You made me waste my time, and now I have no choice but to slice your fucking throat!
I'll be waiting for you, in the dark you mother fucker.13 -
First day of web server programming class. The teacher clearly doesn't know anything. He doesn't even know what the course is about! When someone asks him what it is, he mumbles about "dynamic" something... Then he says we will be using the languages JavaScript, MVC, and PHP. What the fuck. MVC? LANGUAGE?
He then tries to come up with some project we could make, and is not going to teach anything apparently. Keep in mind, most people in this class have very little previous experience with programming.
After not saying anything for a long time, he finally tells us to make a clock in JavaScript. A CLOCK. He is supposed to teach how to make Web APIs and such, but instead, he tells us to make a clock in JavaScript, and that's it.
What. The. Fuck.10 -
My work gave me three laptops because not one of them can access all the resources I need. So I have to balance my workflow around these three machines.9
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My boss wants me to make a web application in .NET, it's like asking a Android developer to build the app for iOS as well.
Note: Im a PHP developer4 -
I heard Google has prepared an AI for solving competitive programming questions by training models based on problems and solutions from GitHub.
*devil smile*...on my way to flood GitHub with wrong solutions. Ciao!6 -
Omg no I don't want to put that button there just because you are saying it Jim. I
I'm so fustrated when everyone thinks they can add stuff to designs BRO I MAPPED OUT A CUSTOMER JOURNEY INFRONT OF YOUR BRO R U BLIND?! I HAVE TO MAKE ANOTHER PAGE TO THE STUPID BUTTON
ALSO CAN YOU NOT BARK ORDERS AT ME MY INNER DARTH VADER IS NOT HAPPY.4 -
**Sees a different error after hours of debugging the previous one**
ME (crying inside) - What type of sorcery is this?3 -
When you see a monitor with this error message on it:
Alert: Keyboard not found.
Press F12 to continue.
😂1 -
We need to update the slang "script kiddie" to "prompt enginot" or something.
So my boss's boss or someone even higher up drank the generative AI kool-aid and hired a 40-something kid to generate images for the marketing teams (or something like it).
Naturally, things soon went to shit.
The bloke already left, having staid less than six months on the job.
Guess who got to handle all the shit-is-currently-on-fire the kiddie left behind?
First impression: apparently, muggles tried to slak him some very broad descriptions of what they needed, and at first he actually tried to summarize those bark-speech pseudo-words into an actual prompt.
It does not seem to have gone for too long, though.
After users requested changes to the AI outputs, he would update the prompts, all right. And the process seemed to go fast enough... until reaching near-to-completion status.
Then users would request the tiniest changes to the AI output...
And the bloke couldn't do it.
Seriously. Some things were as simple as "we need this slider to go all the way up to 180% instead of 100%" on a lame dashboard and *kid. could. not. do. it.*.
In many cases he literally just gave up and copied the slak history into the AI prompt. No dice.
Bloke couldn't code a print('hello world') into a jupyter notebook cell, that's what i'm saying.
Apparently, he was "self taught", too. And was hired to "speed up the process of generating visual aids for usage in meetings and presentations". But then "the budget for this position was considered excessive" (meaning: shit results from a raw idea some executive crapped some day) and "the position was expanded to include the development of Business Inteligence Dashboards and Data Apps".
So now it is up to me (and my CRIMINALLY UNDERPAID team) to clean up his mess and maintain/fix/deprecate DOZENS of SHODDILY DESIGNED and MOSTLY USELESS but QUITE ACTIVE "data vis" PIECES OF SHIT.
Fuck "AI prompters", fucking snake oil script kiddies.7 -
I was very confused today when I used openxml sdk to create an excel workbook and excel didn't bark at me the first time I opened it about repairing the file.
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"You listen to me, you muscle-bound, handsome Adonis. Tech is reserved for people like me, okay? The freaks, the weirdos, the misfits, the geeks, the dweebs, the dorks! Not you!"
— Richard fucken Hendricks
#bestshowever1 -
!rant
I'm a full stack web dev (LAMP, MEVN), not a sys admin. Besides complete control of my os, are there any benefits to a Linux-based os like arch or ubuntu? I've played around and set up both in VMs, but I'm struggling to find a benefit that justifies the setup commitment.3 -
Is anybody else indecisive enough to code a RNGesus to help them decide what to do? lol... I even have it bark out commands indefinitely until I decide when to kill it, just so I feel that I have a wee bit of control in determining my faith. :P
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Commitizen Fucking Sucks!!!!
It makes me commit less and write shittier commit msgs because I am not sure if it’s going to bark at using a capital letter. -
Software Idea: correlation between MicroShit updates vs number of rants on that date
guess that would give some interesting results -
Why do tech writers always produce deliverable documents in Word files instead of Markdown, LaTeX, or anything that is easy to CM? It would be easier to track revision history and dump out of the CI/CD pipeline to the customer.4
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Github Down - This is just another rant about Github being down.
[Imagine Github's Rainbow Unicorn Here] -
Could you guys give me advice on how to write good code?
(I'm mostly doing TypeScript and C++)
And what other languages should I learn?14 -
The ability to generate to generate all of my data transfer objects/, data persistence objects/entity, and unit tests for those.
I love having solid data models before I begin to work with behavioral models but it's a lot of manual work.