Back in the soul-eating depression abyss

I'm that person that makes shit inefficient code, hello everyone. I'm just now learning algorithms and data structures after years of employment.

It is my hope to one day atone and be forgiven for my crimes against computer science.

Every Windows update be like:

Please reconsider using Edge over _, it has Webkit now!

Please reconsider reenabling Cortana.

Please reconsider using Bing.

Please reconsider reenabling sharing all metrics with us.

Everytime someone says stakeholder I picture a rich fat guy in a suit, hugging a giant human-sized steak with tears in his eyes whispering "Oh steak, I love you so much, I will forever hold you in my arms", dancing a little waltz around his room while his cheeks and dress shirt get drenched with the exquisite richness of a good pan sauce.

Me: Write a small descriptive paragraph on the changes made to files and what needs to be worked on.

Team: “Add function 🙂” *10+ files changed*

My mom died when I was 7, after which my dad bought me a Commodore 64 so I had something to lose myself in during the mourning process.

I learned everything about that system, from my first GOTO statement to sprite buffers, to soldering my own EPROM cartridges. My dad didn't deal with the loss so well, and became a missing person 5 years later when I was 12.

I got into foster care with a bunch of strict religious cultists who wouldn't allow electronics in the house.

So I ran away at 14, sub-rented a closet in a student apartment using my orphan benefits and bought a secondhand IBM computer. I spent about 16 hours a day learning about BSD and Linux, C, C++, Fortran, ADA, Haskell, Livescript and even more awful things like Visual Basic, ASP, Windows NT, and Active Directory.

I faked my ID (back then it was just a laminated sheet of paper), and got a job at 15-pretending-to-be-17 at one of the first ISPs in my country. I wrote the firmware and admin panel for their router, full of shitty CGI-bin ASP code and vulnerabilities.

That somehow got me into a job at Microsoft, building the MS Office language pack for my country, and as an official "conflict resolver" for their shitty version control system. Yes, they had fulltime people employed just to resolve VCS conflicts.

After that I worked at Arianespace (X-ray NDT, visualizing/tagging dicom scans, image recognition of faulty propellant tank welds), and after that I switched to biotech, first phytogenetics, then immunology, then pharmacokynetics.

In between I have grown & synthesized and sold large quantities of recreational drugs, taken care of some big felines, got a pilot license, taught IT at an elementary school, renovated a house, and procreated.

A lot of it was to prove myself to the world -- prove that a nearly-broke-orphan-high-school-dropout could succeed at life.

But hey, now I work for a "startup", so I guess I failed after all.

Something that I'm utterly ashamed of.

Had to add text message and call communication functionality in one of the products.

Boss shrunk the deadline to two days ETA.

Didn't know jackshit about twilio.

Meeting with client:

Client - So the communication thing is done right?
Me - Yyeahhh
Client - Let's try it then. *Calls himself*
Me - *Calls the API directly from my phone*

Client got out happy. Nobody knows what actually happened there. I didn't even talk to my colleagues about this. Boss gave me bonus to pull of the impossible. I added the feature after a week of the incident.

How not to design a modem...

Cables hide perfectly - inside the wall...

When you stop freelancing because clients don’t spend enough to keep you making enough money to continue freelancing for a living. But then they come back begging you to keep working on their stuff because suddenly they have enough money and a need and because they can’t seem to find anyone who can do it as good as you did. But even with them handing you new cash money all you want to do is not do that stuff anymore. But money.

Coz programmer's happiness comes only after a peak frustration

Searched stackoverflow and found the exact issue I was having. The question is from 2014.

The accepted answer is a messy hack. Fuck.

The second answer is clean, clear, concise. It was posted 38 minutes ago.

Is this real life?

java --version
FATAL: Unknown parameter

java -v
FATAL: Unknown parameter

*googles get java version*

java -version
openjdk version "1.8.0_252"

FUCK YOU

Oh my dog, why?

[made it as a developer]

When im retired, sitting on the porch of my house, petting my cat.

Im a idiot in a world full of idiots

Favourite code editor?
Hands down, it’s actually Vim.

It’s mostly because I haven’t been able to exit it though. Actually it’s the only reason. I’m stuck. Someone please send help.

My classmate is a real SAVAGE!!

He (team leader) and his team participated in hackathons several times and kept losing.
He noticed something common about winning team, majority of those team members were women, even if they were non technical and their project was pure bs, they were winning in the name of women empowerment.

This time he came out with a plan, he fired his boys and invited women into his team, and even made one girl the team leader.
Result? HE WON!!!
NOT ONE BUT THREE HACKATHONS BACK TO BACK

AND

His so called women team was invited by Google to pitch their startup idea.

Now, if they gets funding, he's gonna kick out these women and bring back his teammates

Meeting with American customers in Germany. One of them fetched a bottle of water with crown cap, but the opener was missing. She asked whether someone had an opener, so I got out a lighter and opened the bottle. Surprised looks.

My (Indian) PM: "That's a German thing, opening bottles with everything except bottle openers. Even with other bottles."

Customers were like, WTF?!

Manager: Why is no one innovating?

Me: You hired all of us based on culture fit so you have optimized only in that direction. Everyone is same ... like you

Manager: You are right.

Back stabbed by manager. 👌

The bloke that I share my office with is asleep on the job. Ffs, can I get any support around here?

This working remotely from home thing, just isn’t panning out

> be me
> wake up 8:30 am
> sort and view notifications one by one.
> Manager sends text * can you do this? *
> * yes I can *
> goes back to notifications *so where was I? Ah this email.*
> *Please get it done by the end of the day*, another text by the manager.
> I ignore that.
> Manager spams me till I reply
> I hate my life

Perfect errors count!

Getting ++ on devrant, best feeling ever.

"Thanks for fixing my code."

being told to lead a team of junior developers for a project when i was 18

i never had any formal CS education so i thought the management was joking, but a week after, i was called into a meeting with the junior developers and we were tasked with a project that needs to be completed within 4 months, with me as the lead

the project was successful and after that im occasionally given the task to lead a project every now and then

this happened a few years ago and its still the most confidence-boosting experience ever happened to me, the things i learned during those 4 months are still applicable to my career today

My fav interview was at my previous job. It was a junior position. The lead was a very friendly and wise guy. He kept pushing me (positively) with subtle hint until I get a code right. After completing each problem he give me elaborate explanation about the meaning of the problem and how to approach it from other angles. It felt like I'm in front of buddha who is making me realize the inner working of the world. Didn’t get 50% of the questions right, still he recruited me because "You were very curious and you were having fun solving problems". Best one and half years of my career.

Why does C get all the girls, and Java gets none?
– Because C doesn’t treat them as objects.

Happy birthday, Dr. Nabil Ali!

Today’s Google Doodle celebrates Egyptian pioneer of Arabic language computing, Dr. Nabil Ali, on his 82nd birthday. Dr. Nabil Ali’s innovations in the field of computational linguistics propelled the Arab world into the Information Age by creating programs that enabled computers to understand Arabic in digital form.

Dr. Nabil Ali was born in Cairo on this day in 1938. Expressing an interest in art at a young age, Mohamed was inspired to apply his creative passion for visual aesthetics to the world of engineering. After obtaining his PhD in Aeronautical Engineering at Cairo University, he spent over 20 years working as an engineer with the Egyptian Air Force, as well as with various computer and electronics companies throughout the world.

For Dr. Nabil Ali, digitization of Arabic, with its complex linguistic rules and morphology, was a way to connect Arabic speakers with the world.

Over the course of his career, Dr. Nabil Ali published a number of papers, books, and technical reports in support of the developments he was making in the field of computational linguistics. His work won him several awards, including the prestigious Saudi Arabian award, the King Faisal Prize, in 2012—recognizing his pioneering contributions to the Arabic Language and Literature.

Happy 2020, its like 1pm here which means people already should be in the next decade somewhere