Today I wrote on my door 'Do ! Disturb'
Why tf is everyone disturbing me

A coworker found this picture yesterday and it perfectly describes our product a month before release

Whoah guys look at my cool new website I made:
http://localhost:8080
Feedback appreciated

A real grand Master coder only needed a notepad and terminal

When your boss says "good job, you have developed something big in such a small time" (~2 weeks) but you haven't showed him the bugs and shit (gonna fix it btw)

While working from home, my wife overlooked my work Slack chat.

She saw me typing "can you ssh?" and told me "that's a bit rude".

She understood it as "can you shush?".

Will use lynx but won't disable AdBlock.
Fuck you Forbes

Please confirm the Captcha

Q: What is the most used language in programming?

A: Profanity.

Case closed, stop arguing!

When you fix a bug in half of the estimated time:

Salute to this guy.... 😍 👍

— Hi, lost and found office?
— Yes, can I help you?
— You found two hours of my life?
— It does not compile, right?
— Nope :/

Boss: we have a project, we will need an application on Mac with objective-c.

Me: But I am a Java developer, I never touched a Mac or objective-c !

Boss: it's ok, use Google, you will find some useful stuff there..

Me: But..

Boss: we have a week for a demo

Boss and project manager calls me into a launch meeting for a new project. A stock management system for a small furniture company that will work over 11 stores, 4 warehouses and multiple suppliers which will also work as an ordering system. We went over the spec(112 pages) and I told him that it will be an on going project over a year with an initial dev time of 4-6 months. He just said that he's sold it to them to be delivered for testing in 2 weeks and completed in 4 weeks(they signed the contract) and that I'd best get started. I just closed my laptop and walked out.

"The client has no idea what they want, just throw your best guess out there and let's see what they say" -- best project manager in the world

Project Manager: I used to be a programmer. I know how easy this is!

Me:

devRant has over 30k users within 1 year. Congratulations @dfox @trogus and awesome work. I would also like to thank my boss, project managers, colleagues and clients. They are the biggest contributors in devRant. lolz...

Project manager: I thought you said you made sure it was live today! I'm going to have to explain that you're the main issue with why it isn't live to management!

Me: have you cleared your cache?.... (long silence)

I swear it's the new "have you tried turning it off and then on again".

Manager: The thing you working on. We need this now! Like end of the week.

Me: Desirability is not do-ability.

Manager: く( ・◇・)ヾ？

Me: I am still in the middle of figuring out how to do things in the first place, so there are some technologies to research and some problems I yet need to solve. I am in no state to just write down my solution. I don't even have enough information to even estimate how long it is going to take. I am getting there. And yes, I can rush things, but need I remind you that you want solid data as a result that actually means something? As this is *why* this whole project was started. We have some old project doing the exact same thing, but whose output we don't trust. I wonder how that came to be. Additionally, this whole project was on hold for months until I took over. So I neither understand nor accept this sudden sense of urgency. And by the way, you recently added manpower to this project. And adding manpower almost always decreases the productivity in the beginning due to on-boarding and communication overhead. Last Monday, I didn't write a single line of code due to that. So no, this week will not do, as I am also on vacation starting on Thursday that was requested and was approved by you at the beginning of the year. See you in January.

When the PM gives you the project estimates...

Who Is Who

➡ A Project Manager is the one who thinks 9 women🙍 can deliver a baby in 1 month.👶

➡ An Onsite Coordinator is the one who thinks 1 woman can deliver 9 babies in 1 month.👶

➡ A Developer is the one who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver 1 baby.🙇

➡ A Marketing Manager is the one who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and women are available.👷

➡ A Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.👶

➡ A Tester is the one who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby. 🚶

Don't be shy.. Comment which 'who' are you..😂

A project manager 😂

Dance like noone is watching.
Encrypt like everyone is.
Sudo like you have backups.
Tag like you're a SEO.
Vim like you know how to exit.
Ticket frontend like you're the project manager.
Commit like saying "fuck you" in the message is appropriate.
Alert like you would use console.log
Design like you know CSS.
Comment like you aren't the only dev.
Code like PHP isn't outdated.

And finally:

Try to work like you know how to quit devrant.

One of the project manager came to one of our senior pro developer to say something. Before he even said anything the senior dev said:

Oh Fuck, not you again!

The pm politely left the area

My wife is turning into my project manager . . .

Me : Check out this game I'm building as a side project!

Wife : Wow that's really neat! I expect to be able to play it on my phone. 1 month?

Me: What? I haven't even learned how to port ...

Wife : (interrupts) ONE MONTH

Scope creep even at home *sigh

My project manager sent this to me today.

<rant>
*Rules For Work*

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

</rant>

Thanks for sending them all the way over here! (I edited out my address) Amazing community and amazing devs. I'll enjoy them!

Enlightening.

I hate my stupid non confident ass.

I was just negotiating for a pay for a project that I would work at after my day job, because I'm familiar with it and they really can't get a better person to finish it. And I get shy when talking to the boss and totally lowball it and now I'm working for peanuts.

Fuck. :(