Talking to girls is like interfacing with an undocumented, half-implemented API sometimes..

Sometimes when I'm writing Javascript I want to throw up my hands and say "this is bullshit!" but I can never remember what "this" refers to

#oldbutgold

The only expressions devs have

Coding Teacher: "you'll need your laptops for the exam. To prevent you from cheating I'll disable the network now"

...pulls out the network cable on his machine...

"okay you can start now"
🤦🏻‍♂️

My friend said this,

Roses are red,
The screen turned blue,
I'm not a programmer,
What the fuck do I do.

After reading a lot of cryptography, I realized that it would be best if Alice and Bob just talk in person

Interviewer:Explain us deadlock and we'll hire you !

Me:Hire me and I'll explain it to you..

A scammer called me today. They were saying that harmful files were moved to my computer and they needed to remove them. I don't think they are ever going to call me again.

S = scammer; M = me;

S: this is tech support we need access to your computer because we detected harmful files and need to remove them.
M: oh my! Hold on, let me go to my computer now. How can you access it?
S: we can just use RDP and delete the files. They are in a hidden folder that is encrypted so this Is the only way.
M: oh ok I believe you. Hm... it looks like my son only allows certain IP addresses to access our computers.. I don't know how to disable this so can you just email me your IP address?
S: Sure...

He then sends me his actual IP address... it doesn't even look like a proxy or VPN.

M: oh my I forgot that you need my password to login. It's really long and complicated... can I just email it to you?
S: Sure!!

I then tell him to hold on I have to find it that my "son" stored it somewhere.

At this time I'm taking a photo of my bare ass and attaching it to the email. I then say in the email "Please note what my job title is in my signature.. I just sent the FBI your name, phone number, email, and IP address. Please enjoy my bare ass, you'll see a lot of it in prison."

Let's clarify:
* Github is not Git
* Android is not Java
* Unit test is not TDD
* Java is not OOP
* Docker is not Devops
* Jenkins is not CI
* Agile is not institutionalised total chaos
* Developer is not Printer Support

You are a programmer if your dark circles are bigger than your friend circle.

Me and my git repo

Most people.
"Dance like no one is looking"

Me.
"Sudo like you have backups"

Today pranked my colleague changing some semicolons in his PHP Code to greek question marks.
It took him tears, sweat and a long time until I told him.
Now he wants to kill me.
XD

I am on nepal and we don't have international payment system. I have been sending email to dev writers for their book as I can't buy it from here and all of them send me their book for free. Its amazing :)

Wife : Lets try some other position tonight.

IT support guy : raise a ticket for change request

New colleague in the office.

Him: How do you rename a file in terminal?
Me: Just sudo rm <filename>, rm stands for ReName.

I'm a horrible person.

Wife: what are you thinking about?

Me: how to optimize key storage in a binary tree

Wife: forget that I asked

I overheard this on my way back to home.

Girl 1: I bought a new phone yesterday.
Girl 2: Let me see it.
*hands over the phone*
Girl 2: There is no Instagram?
Girl 1: No, Instagram wasn't installed when I bought the phone.
Girl 2: That's weird.

*me almost dead*

-Laughed at Gitlab the other day
-Accidentally dropped my db today.

fuck karma

try {
♥️
}
catch(e) {
🍺
}

#happyvalentinesday

"my app is so awesome you don't even have to close it, it crashes itself automatically. "

So i was working with a small company which were developing software for insurance sector. It was decided then that there should be an app for windows phone community and i was hired to that job.

It took me almost a month to finish the job. Please keep in mind that project was huge and already developed for android counterpart and was a hit in market. This was a chance given to me to prove myself and i proved it.

First month was fantastic for the company as software the company made was not available for windows phone. Price has been set for the software was higher in those time. Almost $15.

Excited by the success i added some more features which were not available on android counter part.

But price was very high. Even i asked management to drop the price because there were less windows phone user but no body listened.

Result : in a year app has made roughly 5000 download in which only 200 paid the actual price. Company asked me to take down the app from store. I was blamed for my over confidence in adding features that this made app less usable. They did not say a word to business managment team. I was fired.

Rough, cruel world.

6 month ago i published my app for same purpose with same feature set and different UI. And made it free. Completely free. Added a link to pay developer $0.5 or Rs 30.

Result: i have now 10 thousands plus download in last 4 month in which almost 3000 users have donated already.

Now i have my resource and my confidence and making an android app for same purpose.

This is my story and is not fake, i am 28 years old. If you think you can, you can.

Amen.

My girlfriend doesn't talk to me anymore after I said I helped the new girl to do some penetration testing.

My last night:
- Had nothing much to work on.
- Opened a porn site to spend sometime.
- Clicked on some really good video.
- Realized full screen isn't working on the page.
- Fired up JS console, spent the next 30 minutes trying to get the video part full screen. Failed!
- Opened up Google & navigated through stackoverflow looking for the fix. Still couldn't do it.
- Cursed the website for having a bad design.
- Left the site.

Bad UI = No Fuck.

When back-end engineers get excited about something.

Best office prank: I was pretty young and naaive. Senior dev comes to me and says that it would be hilarious to slide a note under the women's bathroom door saying, "I know what you're doing in there". He says that the woman in there will think it's hilarious too. We work with her, she's very funny and laid back, so I go along with it, expecting to get a laugh. A few minutes go by and a different older women enters my cube. She's got the note! She works on the other side of the building so I don't know her too well but I can tell from the look on her face that she's pissed. I'm frozen with fear as my career flashes before my eyes.
I apologise perfusely and try to explain but she's not having it. After a while she goes back to her office not having accepted that it wasn't meant for her and that it was just a joke gone wrong. I spend the next two days apologizing every chance I get, hoping she won't go to HR. She remains stone cold until late on the second day. She couldn't take it anymore as her mouth reluctantly begins to crack a smile. At that point she drops the serious expression on her face and busts out laughing.

It turns out that the three of them planned the whole thing and executed flawlessly. I've never felt so relieved to be the butt of a joke.

git commit -m "fixed issue with fan"

Front-end developer's to-do list :
☑ Climb Everest
☑ Learn how to speak mandarin
☑ Become god
◻ Vertically center something in CSS

Why software aren't free!

'Work' in the 'work from home' is a myth. All I could do is sleep.