This guy hugs now 😂

Boss: Hey funny guy, It's your First Work anniversary. Congratulations and now share your thought on completing a year with us.

Me: Thanks Lady, All I wanted to say is Life was good and then I joined this project.

Boss: Told you, Funny guy. Now get back to work and I want those fixes by EOD.

Me: 😑

Celebrated saints Nicolas today with the family. Apparently my sister made a devRant account to follow me around and see how/what I'm about in this platform and get me a present based on that.

She got me this: 😍

Maybe old, but I had to...

Fuck you Skype
Fuck you with a fucking metal rod

Me : *wants to refactor a variable*

Visual Studio : Ok! Type the new name of the variable

Me : *backspace one time to remove a char*

VS : *erases ALL the name of the variable and ALL the usages of the variable, and no possibility to undo*

Me : ..... that was a dick move you know.

Hey look what came in today guys!

"OUR SERVER IS DOWN!!!!!!"
*ssh server*
*succesfully logged into the server*
"The server is very much up, sir."
"BUT THIS WEBSITE ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE!!!!"

Ah, so one of your websites on that server with 100s of websites on it is not working anymore. That doesn't mean that you're entire fucking server is down. Please learn the fucking difference.

Hundreds of PHP files with same name and _# at the end to differentiate them - each containing hundreds of
$(document).ready(function() {
$(some_slector).on(some_event, function() {
//one line of code
}
}

Interview with a candidate. He calls himself "C++ expert" on his resume. I think: "oh, great, I love C++ too, we will have an interesting conversation!"

Me: let's start with an easy one, what is 'nullptr'?
Him: (...some undecipherable sequence of words that didn't make any sense...)

In my mind: mh, probably I didn't understand right. Let's try again with something simple and more generic

Me: can you tell me about memory management in C++?
Him: you create objects on the stack with the 'new' keyword and they get automatically released when no other object references them

In my mind: wtf is this guy talking about? Is he confusing C++ with Java? Does he really know C++? Let's make him write some code, just to be sure

Me: can you write a program that prints numbers from 1 to 10?

Ten minutes and twenty mistakes later...

Me: okay, so what is this <int> here in angle brackets? What is a template?
Him: no idea

Me: you wrote 'cout', why sometimes do I see 'std::cout' instead? What is 'std'?
Answer: no idea, never heard of 'std'

I think: on his resume he also said he is a Java expert. Let's see if he knows the difference between the two. He *must* have noticed that one is byte-compiled and the other one is compiled to native code! Otherwise, how does he run his code? He must answer this question correctly:

Me: what is the difference between Java and C++? One has a Virtual Machine, what about the other?
Him: Java has the Java Virtual Machine
Me: yes, and C++?
Him: I guess C++ has a virtual machine too. The C++ Virtual Machine

Me (exhausted): okay, I don't have any other questions, we will let you know

And this is the story of how I got scared of interviews

Guy called in:

Guy: hello, i can't seem to login to the sql database, could you check if the ip whitelist went right? It's on the *names server* server.
Me: *checks if guy is calling from an authorized number* - nope.
Me: I'm sorry but you're not calling from an authorized number so I can't check that for you!
Guy: no you don't understand. I don't want any of this not-authorized bullshit, I just want a solution for this right now.
Me: and I just want you to call from an authorized number.

Yeah, I actually said that. He wasn't very happy 😅

I'm still employed by the way 🤣

Encrypting passwords with AES and storing the decryption key alongside te passwords file.

Me: ;
Python dev: what the fuck

A hacker deleted the despacito video from youtube.

Those are not the hackers we deserve, but the hackers we need.

Client: Hey, you're the IT guy right?
Me: Hey, how can I help?
Client: Yeah for some reason I've lost power to my computer
Me: *Checks power, all computers are down due to a power cut*
Me: You'll have to contact your power supplier as you've lost power to all computers and lights.
Client: What, but the computers are not working right? - that's you're job not mine
Me: That's not how it works.
Client: Fix this or I'll bill you for the loss of money we've encountered during this and report this to your boss.
Me: How about I bill you for my time and advice and inform by boss that you tried to blame me for a power cut.
Client: You can try.
Me: *walks off and puts time in the ticket, requests purchasing to send an invoice*

2 Days later:
The client does not pay the invoice.
Me: (phone call) Hi, an invoice has been sent to you and we haven't received payment yet.
Client: were not paying that, you broke our power and made our computers break
Me: null

You know, exiting Skype is even harder than exiting Vim

Friend: OMG are you hacking ?

[sudo apt-get update] running

Me: Yes. I am.

public boolean even( int num ) {
if ( num < 0 )
num = -1 * num;
while ( num > 1 )
num = num - 2;
if ( num == 0 )
return true;
else
return false;
}

For some idiotic reason, I ran
UPDATE users
SET email="myname@mycompany.com"; in production.

No where clause. Oh drat.

I was looking through old entries in my keepass, and I happened across this bit from when I worked in places that still had unix servers. I was so angry at the impossible input issues they had that I put this into my 'handy commands' section.

Lmao 😂
Credits: random Twitter dude

Google => googled

Duck duck go => duck duck went?

🤔

thats how I will handle IE support in the future ^^

Greatest thing I've done with my life:
alias fucking="sudo apt-get"
Now FUCKING INSTALL THAT PACKAGE!!!

My school.

We have free WiFi access, but you need to login into your personal student account to use it.

Turns out, SQL Injection works.
It gets worse.
Table name "schueler".
SELECT *
Well.
Got all data on all students.
Name, address, phone number, passwords in plain.

I reported it using an anonymous email. Partially fixed. Standard quotes now get eacaped. Still, passwords are now MD5.

Random Person: *looks at my screen as I’m writing a short pointless script* Oh! Are you coding?
Me: Yes.
R: Oh! I code as well!
M: Cool, what languages do you know?
R: Uh, English?

...

Why the fuck do some people need to talk so much while working?
Let me code in peace, damnit. 😒

Hey emmet, I miss you.

> Be me
> Buy a laptop with fingerprint sensor
> It has FreeDOS on it
> Install Pop!_OS
> Get excited about using your fingerprint for sudo
> "No devices found"
> Search for driver
> Non existent
FUCK YOU SYNAPTICS

The only thing hard about working with Git is working with people who don't know Git