Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?
Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch it.

"Let's do some pair programming! It will be fun!"

... Fuck no.

Either I start coding and you open a beer, or the other way around. And sure, I do not mind doing each other's code reviews. I respect your feedback.

But I can't look over your shoulder while you misspell keywords. When I write code, I search, try, debug and play at a high speed.

I'm an impressionist/surrealist writing messy passionate functions, breaking lots of things with broad paintbrush strokes before finishing it into detailed perfection. I remember all the places in the code I need to work on, and cover everything with tests.

You're a baroque coder, sometimes even a hyperrealist, with your two-finger 10 wpm typing, writing code strictly line-by-line, decorating every statement with the right checks & typehints in advance. You can not keep two functions in your head at the same time. You write tests reluctantly, but you hate that I barely plan. You plan everything, including your pee breaks.

As a coworker I respect you.

But there is no bigger hell than pair programming with you.

I’ve had a good amount of incompetent co-workers in the past. One that stands out was this junior developer who worked at one of my previous companies. He was incompetent, but that wasn’t even his worst attribute. He was incompetent, and worse, he had a piss-poor attitude.

Myself and a few other devs at the company tried to help him, but he would literally get mad when people tried to help him. Sometimes he would even call one of us over and start getting snarky with us as we tried to help him. He was a piece of shit and a shitty developer. I don’t think he built one complete feature or fixed one bug in the year he was at the company before he was eventually fired.

Oh, and aside from his incompetence and shitty attitude, he had no sense of humor. It was so annoying. My friend and I made a little song based on his name and a group that sounded like his name, and he got pissed. We always used to sing it anyway after that and it always riled him up. I feel a bit bad about that now but he pretty much got mad at everything so whatever.

One of my favorite memories of him is when he was leaving one day, my good friend/co-worker and I were having a Nerf gun battle. The junior was leaving the office, and my friend tried to get him involved in the battle and shot him, but accidentally hit him in the back of the head. He said nothing, didn’t turn around, and just walked out lol. He was not happy about it.

Sir, please write a simple program, just a very basic one.

me: Writes Hello World in Python

Didnt get the job.

Girlfriend (art student): “You’re in CS. Why don’t you use Windows? Macs are terrible for programming.”

Me: “macOS is better for doing command line compilation and shit because it supports Unix terminal commands and stuff with a reliable OS that’s better-supported than most Linux OSes. I also have Windows on my laptop too, for Visual Studio.”

Girlfriend: “Only like 1% of people use command line stuff. Windows is better for programming. I’ve seen a lot of CS majors use Windows.”

Me: “Uh. You watch me use my computer every day. The stuff I do in Terminal takes forever on Windows.”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, but Windows is just better for programming though.”

Help.

Me: I use Git!

Classmates: what's that? A Softdrink?

Me: Nevermind. Just Copy the source code on gooogle drive.

Classmates: Thanks!

Me: -_-

Oh for crying out loud, Github is stopping with the term 'master' due to its 'negative association'.

Can we please not pull everything out of goddamn context and not be a fucking offended special snowflake with ANYTHING that could potentially be thought of in a way that could be associated with slavery?!

If we're gonna do it like this I want to ask people of color not to use white/light themed websites/backgrounds.

Typical paranoia's when developing a website
- what if the user has JS turned off ?
- what if he is using the site without a monitor ?
- what if the user's electricity is off ?
- what if there's no user ?

So true...

We've all been there.

A colleague showed me this.

Web dev's worst nightmare: "it doesn't work in 3DS browser"

https://twitter.com/lizardbill/...

Found this gem in our production code today

Please consider my questions StackOverflow 😭

the beauty of learning to code.. wait, what's that say again?

Source: /r/ProgrammerHumor

:P How to save people

$19billion later, here we are

Sneak: 100

check this wallpaper...