GF: please remember the flowers!
Me: I'll set a reminder.
GF: and don't forget to wrap them in water.
Me: I'll see what I can do about the laws of physics.
GF: ... I swear to god..
Me: yes yes I'll wrap them in water.

New movie about to start.

Last line of the copyright notice:

"There's no wifi in prison."

Thanks Windows for deleting my entire fucking Ubuntu partition in your latest update. I didnt really need any of those projects I was working on. It's not like I have deadlines or anything.

PS.
Go fuck yourself

Writing a dot and trying out every interesting function autocomplete gave me

Get rid of required minimal lines of code for project assignments.

I
Will
Slap
The
Fucker
Who
Codes
Like
This
As
Many
Times
Per
Fucked
Up
Line

*talking to a customer on the phone*
*tries to switch to the next virtual desktop for a terminal*

*BAM BLACK SCREEN*

😶😐😓

*wild Linux mint logo appears*
*computer reboots*

*realize that I pressed ctrl+alt+delete*

😅🤣

*explains honestly to colleagues and client*

Both found it funny and laughed, luckily 😆

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Coworker in my team recently said to boss:

"Thanks, this conversation with you has taught me so much about single-threaded blocking I/O"

Some random PR comments from our company's repository:

"Are you insured? I hope you are insured"

"Learning git is not that difficult. You only need one command: git reset --hard"

*Link to amazon for dog poop bags*
"Please clean up your shit, before I step in it"

"Have you thought about a career in sales? At least there you might sell your bullshit"

I'm bored. Let's download a game to play to kill my time everytime i'm bored.

*Downloads game of 4GB*

Plays 5 mins.
Deletes the game.

"I'm gonna archive my facebook & delete it."
*uploads fb archive to google drive*

Was irritated and annoyed because of a client.

Someone called the support line and I was ready for some temper-holding practice.

A very sweet lady was at the other side and she couldn't figure something out and was overwhelmed by all the options she had in her new hosting package.

Very calmly helped her and guided her to the right place, step by step. She did exactly what I said instead of playing a smartass.

She finally found it and said that she appreciated it and a ton of thanks 😊.

Now that's a good way to end a work day!

I'm the only programmer for my employer. Today I finished a GUI and engine to let our managers easily post annoucments to our TVs.
Nothing crazy; PHP login screen, some forms, small database, and the app to run on the TVs.
When I told my manager it was up and running she asks "Since you can build that, can you start working on a tool to run voice analytics off of our agents phone calls?".
Sure.. I'll get right on that.. Follow up with me in 4 years.

Dear me,

We have noticed you uploaded files to a public github with your API keys in plaintext.

Please proceed to bang head against desk until you have learned your lesson.

Sincerely me.

R: Random ass recruiter on LinkedIn
Me: me

R: Hey I was searching for X skill and your name popped up first. Would you like to work for our company? It's an urgent position with good pay and awesome latest tech

Me: I quit that very company 5 months ago, because the pay was low and the tech was from the 1990's.

R: :/

Me: :|

PS: I'm not 100% sure of this, but based off the tech stack, I'm pretty sure it was for the same fucking position I quit from.

Let's quickly talk about idiots.

> A simpleton coworker of mine installed Ubuntu on his brand new ThinkPad with a touch screen.
> Asks me to show him the Linux games site I mentioned earlier.
> I see that he has no browser installed.
No Firefox, Chromium, Epiphany, etc.
> Now I know that he has a room temperature IQ and something moronic is going to happen.
Truth be said, I subliminally desired a terminal based browser.
> Then he fucking opens Wine and I shit you NOT! That thundercunt opens...
> Internet Explorer!
> I punched his screen.
> No longer a touch-screen laptop.

Our designer (and frontender) just saved my ass big time. Had to do a tiny project involving design and frontend so I gave it a try and it looked like crap, deadline in a week. The designer made the most beautiful thing in like two days.

Kudos to all designers for doing what they're good at and ensuring that we, backenders (and cyber security people for that matter), can do our thing without having to worry about knowing how to design stuff and create interfaces because we might hate doing that and sometimes just really suck at it.

Kudos designer guys/girls!

University is not there to teach anyone to code. Drops the mic.

The binary +1 feature has not gone unnoticed 👍🏽
@dfox @trogus

The 5 stages of debugging:

1. What?
2. Why?
3. How?
4. Impossible.
5. Oh.

> had an exam with a friend

> we both go to comp sci college

> had to write a fucked up algorithm in matlab

> he hates matlab

> he completes the task

> the variable that outputs the result is called holocaust

> he gets sent to dean

> expelled