*Me and my GF who works for CIA*

Me: Send nudes
GF: Whose do you want ?

When you meet your soulmate on devRant

Coding Teacher: "you'll need your laptops for the exam. To prevent you from cheating I'll disable the network now"

...pulls out the network cable on his machine...

"okay you can start now"
🤦🏻‍♂️

And now I have 2xWindows on my PC

Via 8shit

When there is a new upate available ...

StackOverflow is a funny place (http://stackoverflow.com/a/2276604/...)

Dear Developers,

A. Please put your fucking functions in files with names related to the purpose of the functions.

B. Don't define your database management methods in your goddamn configuration file.

C. In addition, fucking document your shit at the top of the file if you refuse to abide by request A.

Someone is going to maintain or modify this code after you, and that person will have a hell of a time with it.

Everyone that finds out you're an app dev: "So I have this multimillion $$$ idea!"

Me: "I'll do it for $100."

Everyone: "$100!? I'm giving you the chance to be part of the next best thing!"

Me: "Well I guess the 'next best thing' isn't even worth $100."

I literally don't even like telling people what I do 😒

At my company we need to change our passwords every month and every month I add a an extra exclamation mark at the end of my password. Now after 5 years there is an unbearable amount of exclamation marks so I tried to change my my password to 'beefstew'.

Apparently it wasn't stroganoff.

STOP DOING THIS!!!

My Friend: Dude our Linux Server is not working anymore!

Me: What? What did you do?

My friend: Nothing I swear!

Me: But you were last on it?

My friend: Yes. I just wanted to run a bash file and needed to give it permissions.

Me : WHAT DID YOU ENTER???!

My Friend: Chill man, just this command I found on the internet
chmod -R 600 /
chown -R root:root /

Me: WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN ROOT AND GOD DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU EVEN USING SOME RANDOM COMMAND FROM THE INTERNET. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS OR JUST ASK!

My friend: Ok I did something wrong, how can I fix it?

Me: Did you make a backup or rsync of the server?

My friend: No. I just wanted to run this file.

Me: You holocausted the server. FUCK MY LIFE

I'd like to have... A Kernel Panic please, no sudo on top.

FUCK!!! FUCK IT ALL. FUCK YOU AND YOUR CRAPPY BULLSHT UNDOCUMENTED AND OUTDATED API.

YOUR DATABASE SERVER BACK-END HAS TO BE THE ONE MANAGING THE DISPLAY DATA FOR ITS WEB AND MOBILE CLIENTS. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, DAMN IT.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE ALL DAY HARD-CODING ALL YOUR SERVER'S INADEQUACY.

MAKES ME WONDER DO YOU EVER USE DESIGN PATTERNS OR APPLY DESIGN PRINCIPLES? DRY AT LEAST? DON'T FUCKING REPEAT YOURSELF, DAMN IT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE FOR GOOD.

That feeling when you see a complete stranger using your app.

When u have to make sure ur users aren't monkeys ..

First day at my first real programming job... Wish me luck guys :D

//long rant but worth it ;)

In our class, we had some writing in Word.

I was the smart PC guy in the class which everybody asked for info. Even the teacher sometimes asked me.

There was a girl in class which I didn't really like, because she had a snoopy attitude and thought she is a queen.

In MC Word you can hide the toolbar with the little arrow on the top right below the close button.

Somehow the girl hid the toolbar and didn't know to let it reappear again. After half a hour the teacher got to the next lesson.

She held her hand up and reported to the teacher that here PC has problems. After 10 minutes try & error from the teacher he even didn't get it.

Now the teacher started the rant and shout at her: "How did you even manage to do this? Did you upload a virus? I bet it is a virus! Do you know how much it costs to repair this pc? It's sure over 1000 $."

The rant continued for 15 minutes. After that I felt a bit guilty and even I didn't like that girl, but nobody deserves such a harsh treatment.

Without saying anything I went to the computer, clicked the little arrow and the problem was solved. The teacher didn't say anything to this topic. Just said we can go early.

Sometimes dump people make a elephant out of a fly, just because they don’t know it better…

Well the girl still stayed a cunt till the end of my scholarship.

Hey everyone - we're currently experiencing some intermittent connectivity issues with our servers. The app may be becoming unavailable for short periods of time and we are investigating.

Thanks for your patience.

Benefits of being a dev:
Wife: "I just wish I had a program that could organize all my shit for my [work-from-home outside sales] job. My old company had much better software."
One week later:
Me: "Here honey: I built a program that will organize your business leads, allow you to search them by city, street, phone number, it detects when you have multiple businesses with one owner, warns you of duplicate information before you add it, and you can now launch phone calls with the click of a button. I've also put an app on your phone that can send and receive data from the main program."
One hour later:
Giggity giggity.

WHAT ARE THOSE?!?!???

I just changed my username today... And just saw this in a drama I'm watching

A "support" guy my boss got in. I had told my boss numerous times, "Get rid of this guy, he's only wasting our time and money. And he's going to end up doing something where we will end up having to put out the fires."

Sure as a pair of nuts on a squirrel, this crazy bastard goes and DELETES a client's database. Yes folks, in fucking production. A live database. The heart of the business' transactions are... *poof*... GONE!!!

No backups for the day! No synchronisation beforehand! No nothing... just GONE!!! Fucking flat-lining!

Well, when I realised what he has done, I had to remove myself from the room before shit got outta hand!

I told the boss man that is the last straw and he needs to go...

The long and short of it...
- The client had luckily only lost about half a days data.
- I'm no longer at the company.
- This dumb fuck still is.

Fuckin' manager... lol

-The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve
-Yes, it was an apple
-But with an extremely limited memory
-Just one byte
-Then everything crashed

Be careful getting a job at Microsoft...

"I can't check the time because my watch is doing a software update"

Source - Facebook

When you're not creative enough to make a post that would give you some stickers but you have a 3D printer...

When @dfox and @trogus scroll through their devRant feeds, is it considered slacking off at work, or properly debugging their software..? 🤔

If you hold up a UNIX shell to you ear, can you hear the C?