Look... I know I'm just a newbie. I started a year ago as a junior. Sure. No one wants to do code review, so I got chosen to do it. People don't like it when their code gets criticised. And you know what? I get it, I should probably be a bit nicer with my comments. I should not suggest I'll make a fork and split internal library into two streams if things continue this way. I should not ask questions that can be understood as me being passive-aggressive.

But holy fucking shit, you're a senior developer. Don't treat Java as a fucking scripting language. Don't have a method that has 600 lines of code, because you're repeating the code! You've already copy pasted this shit, and modified it slightly. Like, couldn't you have created some architecture around the code? How can a senior dev copy-paste code?

Oh and why the fuck did you create a new utility class for functionality I already provide? Look, I admit, yours is a lot better, ok? It has extra functionality. But why the fuck didn't you enhance my utility class? Why did you create a new one? Did you just not want to touch my code, or did you not see it right below your newly created class?

Am I the only one who fucking cares about maintainable code in this company? When I got hired, I was in tears by how frustrating a lot of the things were. No documentation anywhere, not even fucking comments. No processes in place. Want to do something? Source code is your documentation. Fuck you! I busted my ass of to force everyone to document every little bullshit, to re-factor their MRs that I reviewed, and I won't let even a senior fucking dev pollute the code base!

Fuuuuuck... Me...

Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.

"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"

"Uh... look at my beard"

"What"

"Just look at this beard!"

"Uh.... OK"

"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"

"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"

"You don't have to lie"

She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.

"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"

"Yeah"

"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."

She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"

Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."

Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.

Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"

"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"

Joanna: "No I already took care of it"

"How?"

"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"

Me: "I do miss shaving though"

I don’t usually recommend movies to a lot of people, but if you like going to the movies, I highly, highly recommend you see “Searching”. Its wide release in the U.S. is today and it will be out internationally soon I think.

It’s probably the best thriller movie I’ve ever seen, and the best movie I’ve seen in last few years, and I see a lot of them. The tech in it is awesome, and how the movie is presented will bring back tech memories and it really is a trip down memory lane. The movie has a bit of everything. An awesome story, awesome suspense, and great use of technology and social media.

10/10, definitely see it!

My dad sent me this 😂

😈 😈

It's Friday!

This is a funny one:

I found this gem in SO.
Why is it funny? Well, PDVSA is the state-owned company for oil production of my country (Petróleos De Venezuela).

This little intern decided that it was a good idea to publish in SO an answer with actual code, showing database and tables names to everyone.

Priceless.

Have any of you ever feel like chocking your client to death

My Grandma: Go with your aunt to help her buy a refrigerator.
Me: But I don't know anything about refrigerator
My Grandma: But you spend all your time on computer, and it is just technology
Me: But its not the same thing at all
My Grandma: And I thought you were smart

Me: 😑

Me: This is good, but here’s a small tiny change that will make it even better!
Tests: 1 success, 3628 failures, simulator freezes and crashes computer
Me: never mind...

*Opens a pack of tablets (8000) and start to prep them.*
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
SAME MAC ADDRESS.
Okay, that's just an er-
NOPE, ANOTHER ONE. HOLY SHIT. OKAY IT'S GETTING WORSE.
Is it my db?
Oh.
The db is just fine.
*Painfully getting in contact with the reseller*
Me: grumbles grumbles Mac Address grumbles
Reseller: Uh.. What?

It would be okay if we weren't using Mac Addresses as primary key in our databases.
They gave us some weird-looking software to "re-write mac addresses". It's working.

Something tells me that ipv6 is not for tomorrow.

This is more of a rant about myself and what a prick I am. Last week I left my brand new Kindle at a hotel, just forgot about it because my brain is mush.

I don't even bother calling the hotel for days thinking and knowing full well the staff would have taken it (this stupid thing is worth a week's worth of wages here). I decide to call anyway and ask. "Yes sir, Mr. Matt, your Kindle is safe and sound in our hotel's main safe in a soft case awaiting your pickup or we will be happy to courier it to you".

I drove back to Varna and the super nice hotel guy apologized he didn't have my number otherwise he would have called (I don't have a phone number in BG).

I hate being the cynical asshole-dick I've always been.

Fuck.

I'm getting drunk now.

Is that a linux system booting on that console thing? 😉

As stated in a previous story, I just started an internship using angular and am learning it on the job.

The other day, one of the admins posted an issue in gitlab about how easy it was to delete user accounts via the front end.

He wanted someone to add further confirmation to prevent accidentally deleting anyone. Literally just had to hit the X icon and poof they're gone.

I was like, I can do that! Of course, as I was looking at the platforms account page, accidentally deleted that admins account 😅

He thanked me for resolving the issue, and it became a joke around the office about the irony of the situation.

This may be limited to Germany:

Apparently you can get free vouchers (from 2 to 5 euros in value) on the website "pizza.de".

There is a lottery kind of game right now on this URL: https://pizza.de/casino/

If you just open the developer console and run "win()", you "win" the game and can enter your phone number to get your voucher 🤔

What idiot programmed this?
What idiot reviewed this?
What idiot put this live?

Came to dark side. Tried the dark theme SO today with some custom CSS. Now feels good to eyes

Why can't meeting organizer enforce time schedule, especially ending?

It's pretty much normal to stay 1,5 hour on 1 hour meeting.

So I own a webshop together with a guy I met at one of my previous contract jobs. He said he had a great idea to sell product X because he can get them very cheap from another European country. Actually it is a great idea so we decided to work together on this: I do everything tech related, he does the non tech stuff.

Now we are more than 1 year in business. I setup a VPS, completely configured it, installed and setup the complete webshop, built 2 custom PrestaShop modules, built many customizations, built a completely new order proces (both front and back end), advertised quite some products, did some link building, ensured everything is in place to do proper SEO, wrote some content pages, did administration and tax declarations, rewrote a part of a PrestaShop component because it was so damn inefficient and horribly slow, and then some more. Much more.

He did customer relation management, supplier management and some ad words campaigns. Promised me many times to write the content for our product pages. This guy has an education in marketing but literally said: I'm not gonna invest in creating some marketing plan. I have no ambition in online marketing.

What?! You have the marketing knowledge and skills but refuse to use it to market our webshop and business? What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Today he says to me: 'Hey man, this is becoming an expensive hobby as we don't sell much and have lots of costs. I don't understand why I should be the one to write these content pages. Everything you did in the past 8 months can be done in less than 20 hours! You are a joke and just made it a big deal by spreading your work over so many months. I know for sure because I currently work at a company where I'm surrounded by front end devs! Are you fucking crazy?! You're a liar.'

He talks like this to me every 2 months or so while he can't even deliver the content for 1 single product in 6 fuckin' months! We even had to refund a few of our customers because Mr. client relations manager didn't respond to their e-mails within 1 fucking week!! So I asked him how could that have happened as you do the client relations and support. Well, he replied to me: 'Why didn't YOU respond to our clients? You don't log on in our back office at least once a day?!'.

Of course I do asshole. But YOU don't. He replied that I was lying just like I was lying about what I did for our business.

So, asshole, let's have a look at PrestaShops logs to see who's logging in daily. Well, you can probably guess who's IP was there in most of the entries. It wasn't his.

So, what the fuck have you been doing then?! You can't even manage to respond quickly to a client?!! We have maybe 50 clients and if we get 1 question a month by email it is already a lot. But you keep bitching, complaining and insulting me instead?!!!

Last time he literally admitted on a WhatsApp conversation that he had and still has the hope that he could just sit back and relax and watch me do ALL the work.

Well, guess what you fucking moron. That's not what we agreed upon. You fuckin' retard think you're so smart but you say EVERYTHING on WhatsApp! Including your promises to me. Thank you you fuckin' piece of dog shit because now I have hard evidence and will hand it over to my lawyer to make you pay every god damn cent for all the hours I've spent working on our business. Oh, and I'll take over the webshop and make it a success on my own because I know damn well how to get relevant traffic and thus customers.

You just go get yourself fucked in the ass without lubricant you fuckin' asshole. I have told you you shouldn't fuck with me because I take business very seriously. I even warned you when you were crossing a line again. Well, if you don't listen... You will pay for the consequences. I will be so damn happy to tell you 'I told you so' with a very very big smile on my face. That momemt WILL come, 'partner'.

Fuck you. You will be fucked. Count on that. Fucking asshole.

Developed my own programming language to teach programming at community college.
I needed an easy to learn language with as few brackets as possible cz these caused the most problems for beginners. Called it robocode. =)
Then i built an IDE around it where you have to program a little sheep to eat all gras in an area. The goal was to teach how to learn the syntax, the libary, debugging and to "see" the code run while the program and the little sheep runs, ..halt the programm, inspect variables, check the positions on the grass, ...i think you get the picture.
Later i built another IDE where you can program a Tetris.

robocode now also powers the calculation in our buisness application.

...i think thats my most successful project so far.

here's a screenshot of the RoboSheep IDE (be nice, it's a few years old) and the links to the download sites. I'm sorry, it's all german cz i never localized it.

MacBook Pro ! 😎
Wasted money?? 😬🤔

100% focused, balls-deep in the zone, not sure I could have recalled my own name if you'd asked me...
Suddenly out of nowhere, someone's asking me about a job I worked on over a week ago. I'm mostly answering in just a few syllables, struggling to surface from 20 layers of Call Stack.
This goes on for a full 5 minutes before they say, "sorry were you busy?"
No, I was just about to beat Solitaire.
Of course I was fucking busy jesus fucking christ, did you not see all that code and shit on my fucking screen when you suddenly and urgently had to disturb me?

Doing occasional first & second level support besides my actual job of coding can be fucking annoying and time consuming.
Just let me code in peace and listen to doom metal!

"Blabla our 17 years old plotter does not respond blabla fix it please"
"My computer is so slow, make it faster"

Go die in your filthy office chairs by being pierced through the stinking butthole you ignorant endoplasmatische retikula!

I have a new car that drives itself to a certain degree.

However if you take your hands off of the steering wheel, after 15 seconds it starts shouting at you to put your hands back on the steering wheel.

SO imagine you’re the developer.

You can recognise when someone’s hands aren’t on the wheel.

Why might that be the case? The driver is sleeping, dead or otherwise incapacitated.

Appropriate response?

1) slow the car down to a stop?
2) just turn off self steering so the car veers into oncoming traffic.

Yes you guessed correctly - it’s option 2!

For the love of fuck. Surely the better option would be to keep the thing steering but slow it to a stop.

#developeritus

One of my clients (who's also a coder) asked me today
"Are you on devRant?"
Me: 😶 What's that? 😓

This is my collection of geeky stickers! Do you like it? :)

Today I read a comment on devRant about somebody asking what 1337 means. I think most of us know (almost trivial, maybe?), but what is really great is that so many people replied explaining what it means. Some replies were awesome, some were creative, some were just a basic answer to the question.

But none were hateful. ❤️

DevRant is a place for awesome people like you who understand that every one of us doesn't know something every day. That's developer life. That's devRant life too! The other day I told a senior developer about a Haskell project of mine and he asked: 'What is Haskell?' I was impressed, but it taught me a lot.

On devRant I see no troll comments like 'omfg fucking retard, you must be a faggot and live in a dumpster', which are common on the www nowadays and could have been found under a question like 'what is 1337?'. But not here. And this, while I see the occasional swearing in rants, but never at other members.

So thank you for just being normal people among other normal people. We swear at each other's fugly code sometimes, but we are a creative bunch of smart asses that stay classy at it.

👊

Can you tell I’m bored on this cold ass Saturday?

If you name your methods a, b, c, x, z, etc

Then I hate you.

If the idiot wants me to help then use proper method names!

Tired of the same old boring progress bars in my applications, so I made this little gem to keep users busy during slow operations. Bonus: no more complaints about things taking too long. (personal high score is 119)

Started learning Go

It's very interesting language