Manager: “We need you to stay in the room and not go outside to make personal calls on your mobile.”

Me: “uhmm okaaaay...”

*I get a call* “Yeah, I called about making a doctor appointment....my symptoms? Ummmm...*lowers voice to say it but everyone still hears...totally embarrassing*

Same manager, later, at performance review: “We found it highly inappropriate for you to be talking about your personal medical issues on the phone in front of everyone in the office.”

Me when I'm FREE :
Hmm, I don't have anything to do, let's sleep for 10 hours..

Me when I have to STUDY :
Let's watch that latest episode of Mr. Robot
Let's complete that side-project I started to 10 years ago..
Let's learn something new in Android Development...
Let's scroll devRant..

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠃⠙⠉⠙⠷⢻⣴⣤⡀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠄⠀⠠⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠺⣻⣢ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡎⠀⢀⡄⠀⠀⠈⠆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠗⠆ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠖⠉⠀⠀⠉⠑⢢ ⠀⢀⠤⠤⢌⡮⣐⠤⠤⡤⠔⢹⠀⠀⠀⠴⠀⠀⠀⡇ ⡜⡐⠈⠉⠗⣌⠀⢠⠊⢀⠄⠈⠢⣀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠜ ⢃⢇⠀⠀⠀⠒⡓⡪⣈⣀⣀⠀⠑⠠⠉⠉⠉ ⠈⢊⢖⡄⡀⠀⠀⠁⢉⣒⣑⠊⠛⠒⠤⡰⡀ ⠀⠀⠁⠓⠫⢥⢲⡀⡈⠙⢿⣷⣆⠀⠀⡁⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠐⠋⠬⠎⠿⠿⠤⢐⠕⠁ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠁⠈⠉

I turned myself into a rant Morty, I'm rant Rick!

And that's why there are scientific programming languages:

"Hey, you are the Java guy, aren't you? My Java is broken!"

Me: *Takes a look at the code*

if ("4+4".equals("5+3")) {
System.out.println("Same result!");
} else {
System.out.println("Different result!");
}

Me: Do you know what DDOS stands for?
New hire: Distributed database operating system.

My senior designed this Error page.. and the message is damn funny..

Jenkins builds...

I got this from a page in fisbuk

Project manager logic.

Thanks but don't tell my boss

Bad ping will get ya!

This feels better than good grades.

Coincidence?

Good job apple.

When you boot and can't remember if its F2 F8 F12 or DEL

IT: Hi, how can I help?
User: Hi, I can't get onto the wifi / internet, my computer says "No Signal".

IT: Hm, we don't have wifi, your on a cable, what exactly is saying no signal?
User: Its just on the screen here.

IT: No but where, are you inside a browser, or is it a popup down the bottom corner?
User: No I haven't got that far yet, it just says no signal on a black screen, then it flashes and says no signal in another position.

IT: ...... did you turn on your computer after turning on the monitor ... thats the screen saying no signal from the computer.
User: ah yep, thats it, thanks!

the moment you full-screen your terminal, you know that shit got serious

$ wget *

Downloads the Internet.

　
　
　

H̶͙̠͇̹̰͉̣̠̯͎̙̫͖̜̗̮͍̰͒ͧ̉̑̆̏̅̏̀̕͟͝a̞̮̠̱̰͚̲̩̟͕̣̱͇̯̦͎͕̪͓ͯ͐͗̿ͨ͒̈ͩ̃̉̍ͨ̍͑́̚c̻̮̰̳̜̟͓͕̱̠̰̦̾̽͌̋͆ͣͪ̈̈ͦ̍ͮ̃̒̔̂ͪ̒́̚ķ̴̱̳͓̥̫̭̹͖̥̦͚̙̼̒ͯ͌ͬͬ̐̓͐ͮ̂͊̃̀̎ͣ̅́eͬ̊̿̐͂ͦ̎̄̂̎̈ͦͥͬ̀͏͖͍͙͉͓͓̙͍̪ͅr̞̳̪̩̪̼̼̱͎̘͙̫̞͔̖͎̙̓ͦ͌͋͞͝ͅm̶͔̖̳͎̗͑ͫͤͭ̅̀̀ͨ̒̒ả̴̬̜͖̹͖͛͋̎͂͆̓̋͋̇͊ͬ̿̉ͥͤ̆n̨̰̬̩̫̠͓̈̅͑̅ͦ̐ͪ̓͂̎̀̚̚̚

　
　

Design team: "Is it okay if I put this here?"

Me: "No, it's not okay if you put that there."

Design team: "Are you sure? It'd be really cool if I could put that there."

Me: "No, I will need to fuck with a lot of things if you put that there, just put it in the bootstrap columns."

Design team: "Hold on, lemme see if it's okay to put that there."

Lead-dev: "He's right, you shouldn't put that there."

Company: "We should have a meeting to discuss where the design team can and can't put things."

Lead-dev: "Just put the things in the middle and devide them in these twelve columns on seperate rows, 'kay?"

Company: "Okay, the design team will now put the thing in those things, right design team?"

Design team: "Yes, we agree to putting the thing where we should put the thing."

Me: "So where do you want the thing now?"

Design team: "I want it all the way to the right, outside of the container, that'd look cool."

Me: "Fuck you."