Got call from extremely angry customer, our product is shit and doesn't work. At all. Important customer so I went to visit.

He had the perfect setup, our product to the left, our competitor's to the right.

He connected the Ethernet cable to their product, it worked. He plugged it out and connected to ours... Nothing. Shit.

I started to debug on the premises, took logs, everything. It seemed like our product didn't receive any data at all. What the fuck? Tried everything, debugged low level, still nothing. Sweating as hell.

After two hours I got a strange feeling. So I swapped place, our product to the right, competitor's to the left. Now OUR product worked, competitor's zilch.

THE FUCKING ETHERNET CABLE HAD A GLITCH. IF YOU BENT IT TO THE RIGHT IT WORKED, IF YOU BENT IT TO THE LEFT IT WAS BROKEN.

I had never seen a customer be this embarrassed in my life. He apologized to me, my boss, his boss, the Queen, everyone.

We got the contract.

Not me, but a colleague of mine ordered 10,000 pens with <company>.com printed on them - but our company had a .org address.

Heartless

User: "What should I do? I'm confused."

I think it was on the final level of Doom.

Don't mention devRant

USB == USA++

My colleague just committed some code with description "improved some bugs"

...should I be worried? 😂

After 10 months of development we bring the first prototype of our awesome new product to show it to the board of directors. Whereupon the chairman of the board angrily shouts at us "has nobody told you we cancelled this project a month ago?!"

I left two months later, they went bankrupt a year later.

He just won't quit... he can't.

I can tell you how I hired one of my employees instead:

During the work interview he mentioned he used to write Amiga demos when he was a teenager. Can I see one? I asked. He emailed one later that I could run on an Amiga emulator.

He got the job! The demo frankly wasn't that impressive but the fact that he wrote stuff like that already as a child was, before college and stuff.

He later told me he would have never guessed as a child his demos would give him a job one day!

Making a virus that infects computers and quietly corrects all bugs it finds.

10 PRINT "HELLO ";
20 GOTO 10

Why the fuck isn't that center line on that road not centered? Irritating the fuck out of me. Who chooses such an image to promote anything?

Relying on Chrome to remember all my passwords. I have no idea any more what passwords I have chosen for several important sites. Don't even want to think about what happens the day I switch PC or reset that cache somehow.

We had a server that crashed every single Christmas four years a row. Last year I put a cross and garlic on it for fun. Everybody laughed at me... but it didn't crash!

Soo... should I protect it from the Christmas ghost again, this year too? 🤔👻

A few months ago I jelled about some crappy code, who the f*ck wrote it?! Then they showed me my name in the file header... crap I wrote it myself A WEEK BEFORE and already forgot about it...

Trying to debug some webpage JavaScript with Edge.

Console window doesn't log anything before you open it.

You cannot copy-paste more than a single line from it.

You cannot search in it.

Fuck. Just FUCK.

Don't need no bootcamps, I already know how to boot.

For fucks sake if I send you a clearly described 5 step install instructions do not start on step 3! Yes you fucking moron instructions labeled 1,2,3,4,5 should be carried out one after the other! Not in random order.

Seriously, how deranged are you that you have never ever encountered a step-by-step instruction before?!

Don't give me that "oh, should I have started with step 1 first? You weren't very clear about that. I think it is a bit too complicated."

Here are some more instructions:
1. Close your PC
2. Donate it to someone with detectable IQ level
3. Go fuck yourself
4. Please die
5. Yes, start with step 1

Save.
Often.

Two coding buddies that do not combine well.

This morning I turned on my PC at work...
Only to be greeted by a finishing your Windows upgrade message.
It took fucking windows HALF AN HOUR to finish the upgrade.
After that my machine lost its built in cam, mic and speaker. Which I need for my work.
Took me two hours to hunt down the correct driver to install and find the info it must be installed in Win7 compatibility mode or it won't work. It was pure joy to install it plain first and it still didn't work.
Then VirtualBox refused to start. Took me half an hour to upgrade it and get it working again.
Took me half a day to just get the shitmachine working like it did yesterday so that I can START working.

So, dear Microsoft:
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
wait for it...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
FUCK YOU!
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
sincerely

(And don't give me this "use Linux" crap, I have to use Windows for my work.)

Teaching management the difference between "hours" and "months"

They actually think I have tested my code.

OK I've just got an idea that I think would be quite neat:

How about a virtual rubber duck that sits in the corner of your editor? Just like the gem in old Word, if you remember. It's yellow and quacks sometimes, and nods understandingly when you talk to it (mic monitoring).

And it also monitors your typing and says (popup text bubble) things like:
"those parentheses doesn't look balanced to me"
"did you really initialize that variable?"
"you wrote JASON again"
"you forgot the ;"

You get the point.

I don't have time to implement, feel free to steal my idea and become a millionaire.

On a company event. Supposed to do some water skiing.

I'm no fucking Jesus, I can't walk on water! Leave me alone!

Also, I am NOT interested in seeing my teammates in swimsuits. Yikes!

Unleash the mighty power of Google

When our colleague got twins we put two out of everything into his cubicle: two chairs, two keyboards, two mouses, two lamps, two plants, etc... and two "welcome back" signs too

Everything went fine, but then the last day when I was about to sign the documents:

"sorry, we have just this morning merged together with another company and all employments has been frozen"

Ctrl + Alt + down arrow

Guru meditation eh...

Usually at the end of meetings I always ask "May I go and work now?"

Hahaha if the vagrant box is in guru meditation mode then what mode I have to be in 😂😂🤣🤣

The ability to finish all the projects I have starte

Kraftwerk in headphones, ridiculous amounts of Coca Cola and chocolate.

Have you tested everything?

Sitting in a meeting.
Since two hours now.
Let me summarize it to you:
Blah blah blah blah...

DON'T PANIC
According to the Hitckhiker's Guide To The Galaxy you can make easy money working as counsellor for neurotic elevators.

I've heard about this thing called "life" but not sure what it is all about.