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From my work -as an IT consultant in one of the big 4- I can now show you my masterpiece
INSIGHTS FROM THE DAILY LIFE OF A FUNCTIONAL ANALIST IN A BIG 4 -I'M NOT A FUNCTIONAL ANALYST BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO-
- 10:30, enter the office. By contract you should be there at 9:00 but nobody gives a shit
- First task of the day: prepare the power point for the client. DURATION: 15 minutes to actually make the powerpoint, 45 minutes to search all the possible synonyms of RESILIENCE BIG DATA AGILE INTELLIGENT AUTOMATION MACHINE LEARNING SHIT PISS CUM, 1 hour to actually present the document.
- 12:30: Sniff the powder left by the chalks on the blackboards. Duration: 30 minutes, that's a lot of chalk you need to snort.
13:00, LUNCH TIME. You get back to work not one minute sooner than 15.00
- 15:00, conference with the HR. You need to carefully analyze the quantity and quality of the farts emitted in the office for 2 hours at least
- 17:00 conference call, a project you were assigned to half a day ago has a server down.
The client sent two managers, three senior Java developers, the CEO, 5 employees -they know logs and mails from the last 5 months line by line-, 4 lawyers and a beheading teacher from ISIS.
On your side there are 3 external ucraininans for the maintenance, successors of the 3 (already dead) developers who put the process in place 4 years ago according to God knows which specifications. They don't understand a word of what is being said.
Then there's the assistant of the assistant of a manager from another project that has nothing to do with this one, a feces officer, a sys admin who is going to watch porn for the whole conference call and won't listen a word, two interns to make up a number and look like you're prepared. Current objective: survive. Duration: 2 hours and a half.
- 19:30, snort some more chalk for half an hour, preparing for the mail in which you explain the associate partner how because of the aforementioned conference call we're going to lose a maintenance contract worth 20 grands per month (and a law proceeding worth a number of dollars you can't even read) and you have no idea how could this happen
- 20:00, timesheet! Compile the weekly report, write what you did and how long did it take for each task. You are allowed to compile 8 hours per day, you worked at least 11 but nobody gives a shit. Duration: 30 minutes
- 20:30, update your consultant! Training course, "tasting cum and presenting its organoleptic properties to a client". Bearing with your job: none at all. Duration: 90 minutes, then there's half an hour of evaluating test where you'll copy the answers from a sheet given to you by a colleague who left 6 months ago.
- 22:30, CHANCE CARD! You have a new mail from the HR: you asked for a refund for a 3$ sandwich, but the receipt isn't there and they realized it with a 9 months delay. You need to find that wicked piece of paper. DURATION: 30 minutes. The receipt most likely doesn't even exist anymore and will be taken directly from your next salary.
- 23:00 you receive a message on Teams. It's the intern. It's very late but you're online and have to answer. There's an exception on a process which have been running for 6 years with no problems and nobody ever touches. The intern doesn't know what to do, but you wrote the specifications for the thing, 6 years ago, and everything MUST run tonight. You are not a technician and have no fucking clue about anyhing at all. 30 minutes to make sure it's something on our side and not on the client side, and in all that the intern is as useful as a confetto to wipe your ass. Once you're sure it's something on our side you need to search for the senior dev who received the maintenance of the project, call him and solve the problem.
It turns out a file in a shared folder nobody ever touches was unreachable 'cause one of your libraries left it open during the last run and Excel shown a warning modal while opening it; your project didn't like this last thing one bit. It takes 90 minutes to find the root of the problem, you solve it by rebooting one of your machines. It's 01:00.
You shower, watch yourself on the mirror and search for the line where your forehead ends and your hair starts. It got a little bit back from yesterday; the change can't be seen with the naked eye but you know it's there.
You cry yourself to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, but it's going to be exactly like today.8 -
14 hours in. With no end in sight. Who the fuck does circuit upgrades in a damn data center without ensuring there was a functional redundant powder supply?! I want to slap all these fuckers.10
-
After I picked up cooking, I dialed in a classic Russian pancakes recipe of my grandma (the babushka) and made it sugar-free. I cook those pancakes for my wife every Saturday, and she says they taste heavenly.
So, here’s the recipe of kiki’s pancakes:
- 8 eggs, 150g of 82% butter, 300g of flour, baking powder, 800ml of 3.2% fat milk. If you have a blender, it’ll make things easier
- let them sit and make all of them the same temperature
- take 8 eggs, add milk, stir
- liquify the butter in the microwave, add, stir
- sift the flour in while stirring continuously
- let it sit for 30 minutes
- take a pan, add little butter or sunflower seed oil, make it scary hot
- after you pour, flip the pancake when its top gets dry
to flip them easily, spread pastry wide when pouring, overlapping frying pan edges. Then, use those edges (now bone dry) to flip the pancake. After you’re done, those edges (now almost black) will break away, leaving a perfect pancake. This works especially well if you don’t have a good non-stick frying pan.
enjoy!
8 -
Yesterday, I came to the office a little late and found there's no coffee, so I set myself to make some. After making it, some of my coworkers told me that the boss wants us to use less coffee powder when making coffee and has gone as far as specifying the amount for a full pot. I think in the US, they drink coffee-flavored water because that's what it looks and tastes now. So I guess it's either no coffee for me or to buy my own coffee powder as my coworkers don't want to protest over this.11
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Guinea pigs are not from Guinea and they aren’t pigs
JavaScript has nothing to do with Java
Computer science is not an actual science
Lawsuit is not an actual suit that the judge wears
Siouxsie Suioux is not Native American
Sugar gliders aren’t made of sugar
People don’t drive on driveways and don’t park on parkways
Carpets have nothing to do with either cars or pets
Gunpowder actually looks like noodles and not like powder
Coca-Cola has no coconut and no cocaine in it. It also contains no cola nuts
Peanuts aren’t actually nuts
Watermelon doesn’t taste like a melon
Laptops are usually used while standing on desks, not laps
GPU, as in graphics processing unit, can process things that aren’t graphical
Silverback gorillas’ backs ain’t made of silver
Rod Steward is not a rod and not a steward
Guy Standing can sit
People who say they can’t stand something usually can actually stand up
People who call themselves woke do sleep sometimes
Hibernation mode in Windows doesn’t actually hibernate anything
Kool Aid can be served hot
Wall sockets can be used while not being attached to a wall
WC is not a closet
MrBeast is in fact human
Dodge cars aren’t better at dodging things than other cars
Some AC units can be operated using DC
Most men don’t menstruate
Pop bottles don’t always go pop
Backpack can be used while not being worn on your back
Watches don’t watch anything
Some keyboards aren’t actually a single board
Cigarettes have cigars, but cassettes don’t have cass, and Gillette doesn’t have gills
Dyson doesn’t make Dyson spheres
Hairdryers can dry things that aren’t hair
Beds aren’t usually made of bedrock
ThinkPads can’t think
MacBooks aren’t books
Ceilings don’t ceil
Platinum records aren’t made of platinum
Training doesn’t always involve trains
Great Britain ain’t that great
HDMI can carry signal that isn’t HD
Fingers do fing but autists don’t aut
American Football band doesn’t play american football
Taylor Swift is neither a taylor nor a swift
Hard disk drive doesn’t drive
Tank tops has nothing to do with the top part of a tank
Tea bags do sometimes contain herbs that aren’t tea
Tea isn’t usually teal
Jack Black isn’t black
Fingernails aren’t nails32 -
!dev
For a long time, I thought that the most annoying people on the ski slope are kids overestimating their abilities on a difficult piste or speeding down the slope ignoring others. Boy was I wrong; those kids are nothing compared to all the fucking morons who think that buying the most expensive gear at a local sports store makes them better at skiing.
For the love of god, if you ever consider skiing, just buy some reasonably cheap all-mountain gear, and if you think you need something better, do proper research or find a fucking expert. I'm not talking about those "experts" they have at your local sports store, I'm talking someone who provides gear and support for actual ski clubs and teams, or at least someone working at a dedicated outdoors store who actually owns some of the gear they're selling.
"Oh, but I'm an advanced skier" - right, then why don't you tell me what turning radius, width profile, and flex would best fit you? Thought so.
Look, it's clear just by looking at your $1000 "racing" skis that they have a way shorter turning radius than any competition-level skis, and if you were really going as fast as you think you are, you'd probably spin out on every other turn with such a short radius. Your curved skiing poles aren't fooling anyone either; professionals only use those in super-g and downhill because you need to go insanely fast to notice any advantage over regular poles. And people who race that fast use way more protection than I can see on you.
Okay, it's your gear, it's your body; if you're going to buy overpriced stuff that doesn't make sense or neglect protection, that's up to you. Do you know what's not up to you? Being a fucking moron and ruining skiing for everyone else. Just because you got the most expensive "expert-level" gear, you can't just use it for powder, park, or moguls when you feel like it because you don't fucking know how to ride any of these, even if your gear claims to be good for all types of skiing. And let me tell you, that expensive gear you have is much less forgiving than some entry-level gear if you decide to try other styles of skiing.
I'm fucking tired of people like that. If I go to the resort with lots of powder, I want to ride the powder, not spend most of my time avoiding groups of morons who clearly don't have the right gear and skills for the powder. If I go to the resort with a huge park, I want to ride the park, and I can't do anything if the place is covered by dipshits speeding past the objects and braking in front of the jumps. And if I want to race down the piste, I want to race, I don't want to have a bunch of morons constantly switching side in front of me to avoid "rough" parts they can't ride on. -
got this cool protein powder thing and it tastes like chocolate when I mixed it with some milk yesterday
figured it's like hot chocolate but makes you feel awesome!
put powder in a cup and filled it with hot water today
this was a mistake.
turns out protein clumps under heat. it tasted so gross. I threw it out.
I thought I was so smart12 -
!dev
Jesus Christ, if the cucks at this company don't start cleaning the coffee machine them-fucking-selves, I'm going to flip my shit.
There's been a chalk warning for about a month now and nobody is doing shit about it.
They leave the excess coffee powder in until either I clean it out or it literally starts to mold.
And it's not like they don't use it, everybody here drinks at least two cups a day, do you not care if it tastes at least a little all right!?
Nobody is ever going to get even a half decent cup out of this janky piece of shit.8 -
Let
y="coffee beans"
Then (for devs)
y'="coffee powder"
y''="cup of coffee"
y'''="code"
"bug in production which requires urgent fix"=y''''1 -
Some user profiles I thought were worth stealing for a post:
PonySlaystation
"Full Stack Software Engineer, Electrical Engineering Student driven by OCD & Club Mate."
'club mate' read: probably white powder and ritalin. I heard he once dismembered a horse and put the bloody head in a rivals bed.
uyouthe
"Russian assassin leader, Apple fanboy. Tabs ftw"
Comrade, apple is bushwazee capitalist filth. Onlytrue comrades use windows, because the upgrade is free.
Root
"Magical processor fairy; part-time misanthropic bane of idiots. 🧚♀️🏹 Ergo sum miseriae"
Do you sprinkle magical processor fairy dust in each new generation of chips to increase their
clock rate? -
Senile Web login services from 2009 grind my gears, and tertiary education administration snorts the powder.
Trying to apply online at a local university. They didn't have place for me 3 years ago so I went elsewhere but for my 4th year I have to go to them.
Because of my previous application I still have a student number. Online application says I have to log in to another portal and apply there. Then that portal now requests a Pin that I was never sent, and the "request new pin" function doesn't work because apparently my email is not in the database for my ID. My email was 100000% sure on my application, but some dingus never inserted it into the system.
Why not just start a "new" application you ask? Because the New Applications portal won't allow it for my ID number since it has a student number already. Now I either have to apply manually and pay the fee or wrangle Uni staff to reset my account.
I'm calling you, your slapdash JavaScript 1.2 code and your unhelpful staff out, Cape Peninsula University of Technology. -
Despair +
Craving sweet stuff +
Quarantine lead to a new interesting search algorithm.
I call it diabetes search.
It find's anything edible with enough sweetness or taste.
Current result is promising.
I found couverture chocolate, cocoa powder, maple syrup, vanilla sugar, crunched haselnuts...
I had some eggs, flour, and milk left.
The kitchen looks like in the movies.... When a martial arts battle took place inside a kitchen.
And I'm slightly comatose.
But: Pancakes with something Nutella like. Just more nutty.
Diabetes search very successful.3 -
been trying to figure out why I can't eat paprika for ages
so turns out there's something called ethoxyquin in it
> quinoline-based antioxidant used as a food preservative
> Ethoxyquin was initially registered as a pesticide in 1965
??? concerning....
> food additive to use only in the spices chili powder, paprika, and ground chili.
... they feed it to salmon and chickens also...
FDA is like, "it's fine", the swiss decided to test fish that ate this stuff:
> loss of weight, changes in liver, kidney, alimentary duct, urinary bladder and mitochondria, anemia, lethargy, discolored urine, skin, or fur, increase in mortality, detrimental effect on immunity, condition factor of final body weight in relation to body length of fish and inducement of allergies (contact exposure)
the europeans:
> found one of its metabolites, ethoxyquin quinone imine, to be possibly genotoxic, and p-phenetidine, an impurity that could be present from the manufacturing process, to be possibly mutagenic
i rather my food was edible for at least a limited amount of time, instead of inedible at all times
I hate being sick. Everything I eat I feel, because everything you can eat is literally poison and I'm "sick enough" that I can feel it so drive myself fucking crazy. I have 2 other paprikas, one doesn't list this as an ingredient and the other has no ingredients list, so I guess let's see if I can actually eat paprika or am going to keep giving myself, I guess, organ damage and possibly cancer
remember kids, some places are banning charcoal because it could cause cancer. Those same places are feeding this to animals and putting them in spices though
stalin was right. You should be paranoid what you're being fed. And starve to death. At least you'll be able to think for a while8 -
Not dev related so don't shoot me. If you like writing I figure you maybe might enjoy this and thought I'd share.
This is a section from an unfinished novel about 2050s America, set in a corporate subsidized mega-fevela sprawling across washington state, ruled by gangs and patrolled by the officers of a bankrupt nation suffering through austerity and on-and-off again spasms of mass civil conflict.
"Averice - Sex, drugs, and vice, in the downfall and dying days of america."
we lived in a smoke government, where everything was bullshit they blew up your ass so you could continue make believe while
you were bent over with your head in the hole in the ground you mistook for your ass to start with. And if you questioned it all, one bit, the mouth organ of the state would command
hate upon you, like an old latin curse, with a lexicon armada of phrases like "terrorist", and "troubled individual" to character assassinate you by drowning you in the humbling river of societies mass delusion giver, those two sweet letters "TV."
No, we were on the industry edge here, inventing better bait to catch what the state politiburo labelled 'bandits', all for what?
It had, in later years become fashionable to call those who didn't want to be stolen from any more, projected as it were, "thieves", in the same fashion as those in the middle east, defending
their homeland from foreigners, were labelled "insurgents." Tyranny had not so long ago grown a sense of irony it would seem.
And if you became enemy number one of the state, as thousands were, you would spend your days on the run, always looking over your
shoulder for the states vanish vans--black escalades with men in dark suits and mirrored glasses, like bugmen with shiny inhuman, and inscrutable eyes full of alien malice.
These were sordid summers, full of plastic playhouses where the cost of a days wages you could lay with a synthetic lover and pay away the days tense tax for a good lay, and forget your toils and troubles. And so many were kept in poverty because of easy habit and routine that they forget they were not living.
But for me, I had none of it. I preferred the troubled thing on the corner when I could coax one into my state issued sedan. She was sulky, with bright blonde curls, 19, maybe 20, with empty eyes, as if watching some invisible horizon. And in the glow of the blue neon, among the wet sidewalks, and trash, she leaned into my car. No words were exchanged. I nodded, and
she got into the car, a miniskirt, and slinky little handbag.
This was no more than state business with a bureau guy like me, and for her, little more than the prison trade taken public.
She huffed some powder and climbed spraddle leg onto my lap, grabbing me along my jawline, eyes locked onto the depths of my soul, and
for the next ten minutes as she moved on top of me, I was motionless property while my lusts became animal, and she, my cream cup.
After, I arrested her to the standard protests, but she new the game and quickly hushed. This was the verdant arithmetic of the state. I was awarded x amount of pension points for every criminal, no matter how, and it was no gentle hand, not the judge, not the jury, or the executioner of their will. It was the rigid touch of a long arm, dislocated from the law, and now, like frankenstein's monster, cobbled onto the mechanism of the state not unlike the manner of a combine harvester.
We were the owners of all by virtue of all we could take, and we took all we could get. The serial romeos of state police power, romancing
the unwilling citizenry with televised patriotism and five minute power talks at the beginning of the corporate day.
It could be paradise or a wasteland if we wanted it to be. And for a time it was.
Edit: devrant always breaks my formatting. sigh. -
!dev
Personal rant, but as one shouldn't bottle up emotions, probably not so bad idea....
Started with diet and exercise in the vacation, as finally a certain thing starting with C calmed down...
Its maddening how fucked up the world is. Now as a lil private info (that might not be so unknown, shared multiple times here) - my body is a train wreck.
Lungs are fucked, muscle distrophy, some other things are fucked.
I'm the kind of thing every gym trainer dreads - the client that needs not only a lot of ass whooping, but also has a lot of problems that need to be taken care of.
Which is why I rather do exercise at home, cause... My experiences with humans in gyms are bad. Most trainers behave like fucking chimpanzees screaming commands while not listening what one tells them...
First challenge: Find a low impact cardio training.
What one mostly finds is a female chick (which is sad cause I like men more for obvious reasons), that should gain some weight, screaming at ya how great sport is while jumping around like a bunny on ecstasy.
Low impact isn't really low impact when you jump around, lil bunny... And it isn't low impact when you just let yourself fall to the floor and start doing push ups.
If an obese person like me did that, it would end in pain, frustration and an empty fridge TM.
So one has to painfully look and skip through 20 min vids of "Non low impact low impact YouTube / ... vids" to find one that is doable without wrecking the body even further... Yaaaay. That makes one totally not feel depressed :-)
The other thing that I always hate is dieting. Note that I don't have to change much - I'm basically on a diet since years, holding weight the whole time.
The jolly fun is that I can't take off with just an diet. If you never heard that such thing is possible, a lil advice: It is possible. Nothing hurts more than being told that eating less solves all problems magically - cause it doesn't.
What I usually need is added protein, as I suffer from muscle dystrophy in my left side. (hence the low impact vids).
If you go to a grocery store, you most likely find *tons* of protein stuff.
The fun thing is that roughly 80 % of that are - like all things in a supermarket - completely bullshit.
I know one could avoid using protein powder / ... - but that makes dieting a very very very hard task, as one has to not only do a lot of planning, but cooking and eating becomes a depression palooza... It just doesn't make fun when you have to scale components for every meal or force yourself to eat e.g. 250 g of low fat curd cheese to gain the necessary proteins.
Why is supermarket stuff so shitty....
Added sugar / saccharides . When one has been dieting for long for health reasons, one finds out pretty quick that most products (especially those labeled as healthy / fat reduced / "weight loss") are perfectly made to lead to a sugar crisis and binge eating.
I've found protein drinks containing up to 25 g of sugar per drink (330 ml).
A coke has 27 g of sugar per 250 ml...
:) Now isn't that jolly...
I've found my stuff of joy not so long ago (not advertising here, but depending on flavor it has only up to 3 g (!)) of sugar per drink)...
It just annoys me and pisses me off how much money is made - in my opinion deliberately - on the suffering of other people...
Most laws by the way end up being blocked by lobbyists - most nutrient scores etc are just "wrong" or better to unspecific... Making exploitation pretty easy.
It's funny how everyone has an opinion on obese people, everybody is pointing fingers and explaining how stupidly easy it is to take off... And at the same time no one gives a damn about shit like that.
That's all folks. Feeling better now.
By the way, I'm doing fine. I lost 7 kg already, though the train wreck of body was pretty pissed the last two weeks as everything hurts.
Another reason why motivational speeches are dumb in videos: Pain isn't fun. :)1 -
This is not dev related but oh man after 2.5 years i heard back from them that they apologize and so i apologize them back for being rude. So here goes the story:
It was my first time visiting my father in law's aunt by myself for some specific reason that i forgot (perhaps maybe about fixing her son's motorcycle, but im not sure). Short story, when the job's done i was invited to dinner and they came out about all of their food is organic, i asked why. And they answer they didn't like chemical processed food, then i instantly said somethings like : "well do you put Natrium(Sodium in english) Hydrogen Carbonate in my cake?" And they looked a bit irritated and said "of course not, i wouldn't.why would i poisoned you" And i replied "hahaha i was messing with yall, but yeah i think you put NaHCO3 hahaha" And i instantly got kicked out. And i haven't heard them back until now. And they figured it out it was Baking Powder. It's not directly to me tho, they sent their apologize thru my mom. But still. I haven't laugh a lot for a while 🤣4
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