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All those fingerprints... I am TRIGGERED. It's like he stuck his fingers into a philly cheese steak and then smeared them all over the screen.
21 -
To be a good developer, you must thrive in chaos, and have an insatiable desire to turn it into order.
All user input, both work tasks and actual application input, is pure fucking chaos.
The only way to turn that input into anything usable, is to interpret, structure and categorize it, to describe the rules for transformation as adequately as you can.
Sometimes companies create semi-helpful roles to assist you with this process. Often, these people are so unaware of the delicacy of the existing chaos, that any decision they make just ripples out in waves leaving nearly irreparable confusion and destruction in its path.
So applications themselves also slowly wear down into chaos under pressure of chaotic steak-holders which never seem to be able to choose between peppercorn or bernaise sauce for their steaks.
Features are added, data is migrated between formats, rules become unclear. Is ketchup even fucking valid, as a steak sauce?
The only way to preserve an application long term, is refactoring chaos into order.
But... the ocean of chaos will never end.
You must learn to swim in it.
All you can hope to do is create little pools of clarity where new creative ideas can freely spawn.
Ideas which will no doubt end up polluting their own environment, but that's a problem for tomorrow.
So you must learn to deal with the infinite stream of perplexed reactions from those who can't attach screenshots to issue reports.
You must deflect dragging conversations from those who never quite manage to translate gut feeling into rational sentences.
You must learn to deal with the fact that in reality there are no true microservice backends. There are no clean React frontends. There are no normalized databases. Full test coverage, well-executed retrospectives, finished sprints -- they are all as real as spherical cows in a vacuum.
There is no such thing as clean code.
There is only "relatively cleaner code", and even then there are arguments as to why it would be "subjectively relatively cleaner code".
Every repository, every product, every team and every company is an amalgamation of half-implemented ideals, well-intended tug of war games, and brilliantly shattered dreams.
You will encounter fragmented shards of perfect APIs, miles of tangled barbed documentation, beheaded validator classes, bloody mangled corpses of analytical dashboards, crumbled concrete databases.
You must be able to breathe in those thick toxic clouds of rotting technical and procedural debt, look at your reflection in the locker room mirror while you struggle yourself into a hazmat suit, and think:
"Fuck yes, I was born for this job".24 -
"Why did you bring Wagyu beef to the meeting?"
"Because the calendar description said: Engineers should proactively add value for our steak holders"
(True story -- They told me to do what management instructs, without correcting anyone and without asking questions. And I love playing that game!)6 -
Everytime someone says stakeholder I picture a rich fat guy in a suit, hugging a giant human-sized steak with tears in his eyes whispering "Oh steak, I love you so much, I will forever hold you in my arms", dancing a little waltz around his room while his cheeks and dress shirt get drenched with the exquisite richness of a good pan sauce.13
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My words to live by...
Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager
Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"...
Damn kids. They're all alike.
But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,
ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what
made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
I am a hacker, enter my world...
Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of
the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...
Damn underachiever. They're all alike.
I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers explain
for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it. "No, Ms.
Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..."
Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.
I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is
cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me...
Or feels threatened by me...
Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.
And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is
found.
"This is it... this is where I belong..."
I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...
You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at
school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip
through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by sadists, or
ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us will-
ing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.
This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the
beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying
for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and
you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek
after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color,
without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals.
You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us
and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.
Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me
for.
I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual,
but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.
+++The Mentor+++9 -
Focus on algorithms first and syntax last. Solve problems, then code.
If it uses power, has an I/O interface, and stores code, you can do stuff.
Dont get caught up in the little shit like specific code formatting and who's right or wrong between tabs or spaces. (It should be TABS anyway.)
Don't take shit from anyone.
Be confident not cocky.
Learn GIT as much as you can.
Don't burn out.
Get up and stretch.
Don't argue with your Operating Systems professor about why you shouldn't have to learn Linux.
Don't fall into the "I want to be a game developer" trap. Make your own games on your own time. You won't learn shit at school about it.
9/10 of the real world workforce is who you know, so don't be a dick. Those people might be the difference between Ramen noodles and steak dinner for you.
Charge market competitive rates and set an hourly rate that defines the clientele you deal with.
Don't ever, EVER, do trade or spec work. Free work don't pay the bills. Always start the clock when you're not sleeping, eating, or shitting. If you're emailing, calling, texting, or otherwise interacting with or on behalf of a client, bill them. Don't be a bitch when they decide they don't want to pay you. Get yours. Watch "Fuck You. Pay Me." at least once a month on YouTube.9 -
I feel guilty when I spend time after work writing code, because there's that voice in the back of my head saying I should switch to leisure activities. "You've worked enough, don't sit all day, it's unhealthy".
Then I go for a walk or start planning something to cook. And there's still this weird feeling of guilt for not being productive enough, telling me I should learn a new programming language. "Work on your skills, you need to learn stuff to stay relevant in your field"
BRAIN, BE FUCKING CONTENT WITH WHAT I'M DOING FOR ONCE!
And stop fucking bullshitting me.
You're not trying to make me take a walk, you're not having my best interests at heart by making me learn or work.
I'm fucking on to you, you treacherous shitlitter of neurons. You're betraying me, and it happens every single fucking time I let my guard down.
I alt-tab out of my IDE, and within seconds you're there, impeding my intellect, making me click bookmarks to check the feculent streams spraying from the fingers of "friends" on Facebook.
I take a poop, and you just let me slide into a slowwitted state where I pick up my phone and stare at some crapfilled mire of memes.
You're the retarded digital-era id, wearing the disguise of a renaissance smart-ass ego, and you're dumping the fucking guilt on ME?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR MEMES, I'M GONNA BAKE A STEAK WITH MUSHROOM SAUCE AND WATCH PROGRAMMING VIDEOS WHILE DANCING.
NAKED.
(and maybe browse devRant later. I still love you, devRant)5 -
Round up kids.
I have a story to tell. The story of a war I've lost. Many battles were fought and many hours were wasted.
This is the story of wasp in a computer lab.
Today, the weather was good. So your old pal, Nomi, decided to open the windows. And as usual, that's where it all started.
So Nomi sat down and worked for a few hours. Tweaking two different neural nets, adding to its dimensions and concatenating the living shit out of the data they were supposed to process. After, she tried testing and testing and testing. It was early afternoon at this point and she was hungry. She went to close the windows and go for lunch.... When she realized, that she's not alone in the room. A big ass wasp was sitting on one of the curtains.
Now, Nomi doesn't have a good relationship with bugs and flying shit. Wait, no, she doesn't have a good relationship with moving things in general. So she panicked. She begged the wasp to leave. The wasp sat on the curtain and smirked at her. So after a while, she left the windows wide open, turned off the lights, put her hoodie on and went for lunch.
(btw, at this point my hoodie smells of sweat, fried onion, steak, cigarette and shisha. Don't ask. It was a long two weeks)
When she came back, the wasp was nowhere to be seen. So she assumed that the wasp got tired and left. But oh, how wrong she was.
After few hours, she heard something. She assumed it was just a fly. Actually, she hoped it was a fly and not the return of the wasp. But all her hopes were in vein.
She heard a buzz. And all of a sudden, an angry wasp flew in her direction. She dodged the attack and got under the table. But the wasp was not letting this go. Nomi jumped out of the room and left the door open. The wasp hid itself. She waited and waited but no sign of wasp. So she ran back in the room, and opened the window and ran back outside. She waited. The wasp occasionally would fly from one hideout to another. The wasp was making herself comfortable. At one point Nomi got angry and threw a shoe at the wasp, but the wasp caught the shoe and threw it back at her while maniacally laughing at her.
So she gave in. This was enough for the day. She ran back in, closed the window, turned off the computer, took her bag, turned off the light, and closed the door. All in less than 15 seconds. She came outside panicked and distressed, and now she's on her way home hoping that by tomorrow the wasp is gonna be dead.
The wasp and the robots are sitting alone in the lab tonight. I hope when the robots uprising happens, the robots can forgive me for abandoning them powerlessly with a wasp. 😟23 -
I don't know man.. I know it's !dev, I just wanna share with ye how beautiful my first Tomahawk steak turned out..
Relatively stressful week with requirements doing U-turns and 5 requirements all becoming first priority, I had my first feckup in a while (nothing bad, just wasted a couple people's time) and now I started off into the weekend with this beauty..
100% Irish grassfed beef with a glass of Redbreast 12. Now I wanna sleep and digest.. OR drink much more whiskey. Not sure yet.
Enjoy the long weekend guys 😬
17 -
So we've been on our Christmas holidays/vacation and decided to spend New year's eve at my place barbecuing.
Yes needless to say that we got somewhat intoxicated, had steak etc and then fucking fell asleep on the floor outside.
In -3 C°.
Woke up like 20 minutes later according to my friends.
Decided to continue barbecuing but since the fire turned into half dead embers I decided to fucking chop up some wooden planks laying around.
Short recap.
New year's Eve.
Barbecuing.
Intoxication.
Fell asleep.
Woke up.
Chopped up planks in the dead of night.
Continued barbecuing afterwards.
Fire ablaze again, roasted the remainder of the meat and since it was too boring for me I decided to pour fucking Korn, (German alcohol) over the flames.
Needless to say my arm hairs burnt off.
Friend comes out, sees me, fucking dies of laughter.
All promised to stfu about it.
Anyway the flamed steak and stuff were still delicious.7 -
When a customer moans about a site not working in an old version IE. I bet they have their steak well done when ordering in a restaurant too.
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Another day, another job description
# Benefits
- Flexible work hours
: You'll be coding to midnight
- Ability to work from home some days
: But watch out for those other days..
- Our office space provides free coffee, beer and soft drinks as well as an amazing modern workspace
: Our tax expense will get you gee'd up and tipsy til you loose track of time. (Future diabetes health insurance not included).
- Growth and future progression opportunity
: Pinky promise!
- Receive valuable company equity
: Plus a set of steak knives for four easy payments
- Latest MacBook Pro
: We own this. We own the thoughts you have while looking at this. Plese think many thoughts.6 -
Something I learned the hard way: the steak emoji is 4 bytes, whereas a lot of the commonly used emojis are only 3 bytes.20
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After a 70 day streak on github, I forgot to commit my daily work and went to a party.
I came back drunk as fuck and thought I lost my steak.
Today I woke up and found that I made a commit and deployed into production, but the message was "Removed funny code"...
2 -
Someone made a comment at work about my chances of being today at work since I have a tendency to ngaf about Tuesdays.
Currently I am at the car dealership getting my car serviced.
It offends me greatly that they would say such shit.
I mean, sure, I am about to go buy beer and food and call it a day afterwards. But still, hurtful.
I feel like steak today.11 -
A very nice restaurant in a Vegas casino at 3am.
A friend and I were working on a project after defcon, and we got hungry. It's Vegas, so we have no clue what time it is except for our laptop clocks. And who cares anyways. Time is irrelevant in Vegas. So we got a table at a steak place at Caesars palace. And just dropped our laptops on the table and kept coding.4 -
I fukin hate App reviews in Apple Store :/ My app, basic cordova webview and Onesignal push, was rejected again! For fifth time! Now for IPv6 in-compatibility.3
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Do you suffer from low motivation ? For three easy installments of $79.95 plus shipping & handling , the secrets of overcoming low motivation can be yours . Act now , don’t delay !
Operators are standing by & the first caller will receive a free set of dollar general steak knives in a faux wood gift box , excellent for regifting for that team party or potluck where if you’re lucky , you might get tofu .7 -
I realize burnout is like a steak - Take it off the grill early as it keeps cooking for a bit after.1
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Someone should make a movie about three ghosts that haunt a BLOODY CROOK who makes his employees and coworkers burn the midnight oil in the bloody CHISTMAS EVE because the fucker haven't finished something that should have been ready TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.
The ghost of Christmas past shows the fucker that he was a bloody LAZY KID who made his elderly relatives cook, host, clean, wash the dishes and everything else all by themselves during family-gathering season.
The ghost of Christmas present shows him his employees' children teary eyed that daddy doesn't get to watch cartoons with them before bedtime (we're not Christians but just because my house is a steak-free zone it doesn't mean my kids don't expect gifts from santa, like most kids in their school!)
The ghost of Christmas future shows a Netflix documentary on how the fucker got arrested for being a BLOODY CROOK that gets played by some actor who is a hollywood-level jerk who beats his wife. And the show gets a 3% on rotten tomatoes, just to salt the wound. Oh, and a voiceover says the real BLOODY CROOK hanged himself in prison or something and his family is happy he did it.
Fuck, I hate, for real hate, people whose tardiness bleeds out on honestly-working people. I had to wake up one of my devs to fix the SHIT that the bloody crook higher-up shat on us.
My guy is getting a raise as soon as I can scream at the bean counters and my boss will be getting some loooooong, data-rich report on how the bloody crook's department is pissing in our soup.
Fuck everything.1 -
I just had a Rumpsteak.
Tasted like dry, raw meat with some sawdust on it.
Hell if I printed out my code and ate the paper it'd been better than that.3 -
Bug report workflow for our customer support department.
1. Use eyes
2. Use brain
Just printed as poster -
So checking out this book for a few chapters i want to get over with and my friends sitting right next to me and she sees the cover has a cow on it and it said servers and she was like are you learning how to serve steak?
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I've been trying to get a middle-healthy lifestyle (means I eat what I want while it's quality and not harmful, doing sports four times in a week, and stuff...) and actually I'm just waking up at a friend's home after a party where we just ate like two big fat cheesy French fries steak and cordon bleu European tacos (they look like a kebab, not Mexican stuff at all) asking myself where my self estime is.
Being a developer and loving to eat is really punitive sometimes... -
Project got in after months of the people requesting knowing the project needed to ve in a web form.
They didn't let my department know till right fucking now with only two weeks for launch time.
Yeh its a simple formz yeh I can do it, yeh you do own me a bottle or Knov Creek and a steak after this you son of a bitch, i got other shit to do1 -
People all over the world own dogs as pets. In some places in the world people eat dogs.
Is it okay to feed your pet dog the scraps left over from eating dog?
I also pointed out to a coworker that New York has huge rats. I then said: "street steak".
The response was: "Why?!"2 -
How do I do it I wonder ? Get stuck with the same retards playing the same strange shady personality types I have to dodge ? Seriously wtf
Betcha if I stuffed a tube steak in them both they'd be more warmed up heh
It's like why do I have to constantly deal with some twitchy copy of some person I previously knew who is doing his impression poorly of some weird introverted jackass with a funny hairstyle from 2001 ?
And what fuckinh sense did that ever make ? Doing something to stand out if you prefer lack.of interaction and attention ?
Only crazy bitches who thought everyone was out to rape them until you found a way to flip their slut switch acted like that in my age group !
Of course I yet know how they actually are God need to find another job3
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