Big event. Massive traffic in production, so we were monitoring all night.

I was in a room with 2 devs of my team, a marketting girl, my boss and a designer... chilling.

Suddenly the production is down.

Boss: production is down, anyone can check?
Me: already on it
Dev1: it looks ok for me
Dev2: me too
Me: wait what? Impossible everything is down
Dev1: oh I refreshed the page it's not working
Me: don't stay on the page refreshing it like you are fucking monkeys. Give me useful intel or be quiet.
Market girl: is it working?
...
Guys is it working?
...
Hello?
Me: Not yet we are looking. Don't distract me.
Boss: client called us. They want it online now.
Dev1&2: he's looking
... 1 min later...
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Me: SHUT THE FUCK FOR FUCKING ONE SECOND. ALL OF YOU, OUT NOW. YOU ARE FUCKING MONKEYS WHO CAN'T DO SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T HELP JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN SHITHOLE. DEVS, LOOK WITH ME. MARKET GIRL PREPARE A FUCKING POST-MORTEM MAIL. BOSS GET THE CLIENT ON THE PHONE AND STALE. DO. YOUR. FUCKING. JOBS.

That's how I ended up screaming at everyone... the rest of the night went in complete silence and I fixed the issue 2min after the got quiet or busy.

Ranters this week

Both Password and repeat password had the same typo! :(

Nice try

Interviewer: "I checked your Github, your side projects look very interesting! Tell me about your other hobbies."

Me: "other hobbies?"

I wish there was a .gitignore for people

A.I steals my job; introduce devRant to A.I; A.I gets too busy ranting about all the stupid shit humans have messed up; Get my job back.

Just saw a recruitment post for a female speaker to join a female panel at a "women in tech" event. And it's by an organisation called "codelikeagirl". 😒

As a female developer, it gives me the upmost cringe to hear about any #women or #girlpower events. Do you really need to validate your ability and support because of your gender? Men don't go to #menInTech events, so why do you need to go #womenInTech events?

On the surface it seems all friendly and gender equality fluff. But if you segregate yourselves into an all exclusive group, isn't that the opposite of what your trying to "achieve"?

Get into bed.

Gets all comfy.

About to drift off.

Realizes solution for the problem I have spent all week on.

Now wide awake.

Guess who's not sleeping tonight!

My company is like:

Boss: How long do you estimate to make a universe?
God: 14 billion years.
Boss: You have 7 days. Please reserve 1 for Q&A.

The honest website ever... 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

CSS can kill you!

"The server is flooded!"

"With requests? DDoS?"

"No."

Oh yes I know how it feels.

So this fucking happened today.

Me: *sees support ticket coming in about some kind of login issue*

Me: *opens issue*

"Hello, I can't seem to login. There's an error"

Me: *sighs and thinks "at least give me that FUCKING error message then." *kindly replies with asking if they could send me the error message*

"Here it is. I don't understand what is going wrong
and what I have to do"

Me: *looks at error message*

"Invalid customer ID. Please make sure that your ID is correct. You can find it in the activation email we sent you when you registered".

😐 😶 😦

Me: *thinking okay what the fuck, are you fucking retarded or something?*

Me: *kindly replies: "It seems that you are not using the correct customer ID. You might want to look for it in the activation email we sent you!"*

"Oh okay thanks, how did you figure that out?"

Me: 😵 😐 😶 😭 🔫

Seriously what the actual fucking fuck.

Client asked to change the shade of blue to a little lighter shade. Deleted the hex code and typed the same hex code again and showed it to him. Instantly approved.

The guy who did android dev before me in the company i work for, didn't get paid for 2 months, so he moved all the project files he worked on to an empty partition and locked the drive with Windows' BitLocker. He didn't give the password until he was fully paid. I kinda respect that guy.

CSS is easy until you open your website in another browser.

Wife: what are you thinking about?

Me: how to optimize key storage in a binary tree

Wife: forget that I asked

Every damn time.