I know that my coworker can't write a single fucking operable line of code. So I wrote a script that is called everytime someone pushes new commits. If the commits contain the username of my coworker, create a ticket in YouTrack with the Label "Rewrite", and assign it to the files changed.
So I had that running for a longer time, and my dumbfuck of coworker hardcoded the credentials of the server in a networking library. One of the credentials was his username. He then updated the copyright on the whole project(which adds a copyright in the top of every file), also in the included librarys(!). The script had a check if the files are related to the project or just librarys. In the end, he pushed all of that with another account(in fact, a reporter account), which had another name(and didn't even belong him). So the files didn't belong to the project, the script sees his username anyways, the script assigns a rewrite, and in the end, everyone in the team thinks I'm mad because I(the script with my account) assigned a rewrite to a HUGE library.

PS: It was great fun to remove these copyright notices.

Unity crashed, and then the crash reporter crashed. Well done Unity!

User: "it stopped working"
Me: "ok. Could you be more specific?"
User: "it just closed"
Me: "could you give me the stacktrace/error message?"
User: "no."
Me: "why?"
User: "can't find it"

With a long conversation and some frustrating debugging it turned out that, ironically enough, the crash reporter crashed...

Hey Root, we have a high priority ticket for you! It's adding some columns to a report. Should be simple. Details are in the ticket.

First: reports are some of the most boring, drool-inducing drudgery i have ever worked on.

Second: Specs for these reports are a nightmare since everything is ... very indirectly tested, and the specs are everywhere but where you'd expect them to be, so it's a lot of spelunking and trial/error. It's also slow as beans.

Anyway. The ticket's details are in ... not the worst engrish i've ever seen, but it's bad enough that i have no idea what they're asking despite (thus far) five attempts at deciphering it. There's also a numbered list of "fields" to add, so you'd think it would be straightforward. It is not. Half the list is crossed out, and half of the remaining items are feature requests (in yet more engrish), not columns to add. Also, one of the actual fields is impossible as the data it's asking for is not recorded anywhere.

yeah...

I cringe every time I see this person's name as the reporter because it's always the same. and honestly, there are more of these engrish people every month, and believe me: it isn't just a language barrier...

update of after i got fired: after the fuck developers company llc was left with no developers, there was a girl there that i didn't mention earlier because as i said: the story is more complex. she came there with good intentions but after she knew the cruel nature of fuck and shit she became notoriously mad, we're still in contact with her so it's nice to hear from her some of the gags that happen there, one of which my really intelligent ex-boss the wordpress DEVELOPER himself told her to finish one of the projects i was working on, and a friend of mine who is infamous of his coding shenanigans left it in my hands before he left as well a couple of months prior (well he was fed up before us, and when i told him to stay with us he said "dude just listen to the motherfucker's voice, i can't do this anymore", my lovely ex-boss has this equally lovely screechy high pitched voice that caused me tinnitus), it's an asp.net project, uses web forms, and a lot of apis, the database is sql server, standard shit but there's no original creation script and i fucked up the only existing database which was in a local computer he used to like calling a SERVER, now to the point: this girl is not a developer, she was however working as a reporter?? kind of like jaspersoft the human or sap crystal woman and she claims that she's pretty good at it, and she's a genuinely good person who was dragged to hell just because she wanted to be close to her daddy (she was working in a different city with more than double the salary she's given now), but she's rich and her dada convinced her to come. she's currently learning java ee on her own so she'd probably leave in the next two months, in her resume she wrote that she know php, well i know php you know php we all know php (the syntax) kind of like mr. shit who passed the sololearn php CERTIFICATE and couldn't stop telling his boss and his boss a.k.a my ex-boss goes "sweet!". going back to the punchline of this rant: she told us that he came to her and asked her to finish the project with php.

Issue reporter:
Feed from external service provider is overwriting the wrong things, pls fix

Resolution:
Service provider is sending duplicate unique IDs, you need to get with them to discuss

Service provider response:
This is a *RE-USABLE UNIQUE ID* . . . The bottom line is you should not use this UNIQUE ID as a primary key.

[Applies for RedHat OpenShift Beta on April]

this will be lit I said, since I was quite a bug reporter for Eclipse Che/Codenvy

[Took me until november to open up a ticket so they can take me in]

oooh shit this is lit

[Starts an Eclipse Che Workspace]

huh, why isn't it provisioning?

[inb4 OpenShift devs says its both a OSIO infra issue and a known bug in the OpenShift panel]

oof.

[Makes it work using workaround]

Woo this is gon-

[Haha no, Too Many tedirects for you]

REEEEEEEEEE

Conclusion: Openshift.io is a lit platform, it just happened to be very VERY beta.

I like the kubernetes "pods" tho

Reporter: We are now here reporting live from the native mobile app wilderness. As you can see in our captured footage, a developer is going rampage over some mobile UI components.

Native iOS: grrrr... I hate radio buttons!!!..grrr...dropdown lists, too! keep them away from me! I'm allergic to android and web controls, d*mn it! what kind of designer are you!?!

Reporter: That's it for today's devRant episode. Back to you, Steve.

Probably had my worst half-week ever this week.

Customer's CRM system, the read and edit masks just...stopped existing on last week friday. CRM fell back on some default masks for the dataset. No way to create new masks directly without putting the whole system upside down.
We couldn't do anything anyway because they reported the issue literally as we all were about to leave for weekend and our boss was like "Ah nah, well do it next week."
Our brains were already fried anyway...
I mail the reporter that we've registered their issue, will investigate and report back ASAP once we've got news.

Monday rolls around, I'm whacking my head against their system trying to figure the fuck out, what went wrong and how to solve it, I come up empty; Not that terrible since the masks only stopped existing in the webclient version of the system and they can still use the windows client, so they can still work.

Tuesday rolls around, I'm at an on site training for an ERP system with my boss at a remote company. Get an email in midst of the training, I was doing protocol.
Guy from the afflicted company goes and tells me that the issue has somehow spread to his colleague and him...IN THE WINDOWS CLIENT.

I'm fucking flabbergasted, so to speak, since the masks for the windows client and the web client are totally isolated from one another.
After we're back at our company, I investigate, less efficiently this time because my brain got fried at the training. I come up empty again.

NOW TODAY: Discuss further proceedings with my boss, he's not pissed at me or anything, just to say, but we're both worried, obviously.

Then at 10:20, a guy from the afflicted company mails me in an annoyed tone that the masks are still broken.

11:00, we figure out a workaround so the windows client users can at least work again, albeit limited.

11:10, I mail the guy, telling him that although we're still not able to fully work everything out and are still investigating, we've made a workaround so they can at least work again.

11:20, the guy mails me in a pissed tone around the lines of "This is very very important and must be fixed ASAP or else we'll not be able to work at all [...]"
And I think like "Dude I literally just told you like 8 minutes ago that there's are workaround so you'll be able to at least work again..."

Forward the mail to boss, we meet up quickly to discuss how in God's name we can deescalate this mfer.

11:31, the guy mails me again, all apologetically this time "Stop! All is good, I just now fully read you mail, thanks for implementing the workaround, nothing will come to a standstill [...]"

BRUH CAN YOU NOT FUCKING READ BEFORE ESCALATING SHIT

Fuck customers. Dumb fucking cretins unable to fucking read.

The issue is still unresolved. Support of the CRM software lets us sit on our collective asses and wait.

There is no such thing as stable software, it's a myth.

Every corporate software is like an ever-decaying semi-corpse of a brain dead patient slowly getting worse and worse but not fucking dying.

Rant over.

Today morning my sales manager calls me and tells there is a bug in one of the integration module and he tells the client has called us yesterday pls come early to office today and fix it. I asked which end point they have issue, he replies I don't know. I don't know what is the bug where is the bug, but there is a bug when they send data to us, pls find and fix it before 11 am. The worst part of this is that integration module I never worked on and the person who developed it has left the company long before and there is no documentation. when I go to that folder I see many controllers and many end points. now how will I figure out the issue 😂 I don't even know the work flow of that integration. the bug reporter (my sales manager) don't even know at what end point what issue happened.

Get a ticket for a low priority bug, reported internally. Fix the issue mentioned in the bug.

Moves to QA environment, the original bug reporter tests and *passes* the ticket.

Moves to Staging environment, same exact individual then *fails* the testing. Cites totally new/unrelated changes that need to be made.

Apparently our the workflow is -

Code->QA->Staging->Requirements

Makes sense! :)

This is why you shouldn’t try to redefine words and deviate from accepted word definitions.

Dev team/product decides to put the word [content] in a JIRA ticket’s title. To dev, this means “it’s a CMS change and no code push required.”

A new marketing team comes on board along with a few “website manager” type folks. They start putting [content] in JIRA ticket titles, but they think [content] means content change and their requests do require a code push instead of a CMS update.

First time it happens, I comment on the ticket and tag the reporter. I explain what [content] actually means for us. Most importantly, I explain that it tells us how to prioritize the request and how to deploy the changes.

Happens again. And sometimes they’re requesting changes for the next day when we only do weekly releases. I suspect they didn’t believe me because I’m lower in the chain. It’s also easy to forget because we are using “content” to mean something different here. I ask my boss does [content] still mean what I think it does? It does. 😕

I just decide to comment on the ticket and let them know the request requires a deploy and that’s why I’m changing the title of the ticket. They might also have to wait until the weekly release.

Overall, a bunch of lunacy all around.

I literally just answered an issue by copying the lmgtfy.com link.
The reporter is a fellow programmer. Shouldn't that at least require some sort of knowledge about how to use Google?

The iOS DevRant app is so bad, sometimes it just crashes when I try to open a rant... wth DevRant how can you fuck this up so badly?

I submitted to the bug reporter many times and they don’t do much...

I just love Windows apps on Mac OS lol, this morning MS Word hung for a long time, was completely unresponsive and then I had to 'force quit,' the thing.

Lo and behold, the MS crash reporter opened and it hung for a long time, was completely unresponsive and I had to 'force quit'. How the fuck do they even get through testing?

So 90% of the Tech Support team is off today. So I decided to jump in to help the guys out:

Me: *solves issue
(one less ticket to solve)
Reporter: "thank you for your help!"
(re-opens the ticket)
Me: *recloses the ticket
Reporter: "thanks again"
(Reopens ticket)
Me: smashes head into desk

How am I supposed to get tickets solved when most of the open tickets are "thank you's"!

When a cute female developer attends an interview

@rutee07 I know you will like this cute reporter 😂

I just had to drill an error reporter through the entire Orchid codebase for multiple fatal error reporting. The caller constructs a reporter and passes it into the interpreter, various internal interpreter functions put errors into it and return meaningless but valid substitute values, then the caller checks the reporter for recorded errors and avoids using the return value if there were any.

I have recreated ERRNO in a high level language.

When you start a new job, the company holds a costume party shortly after and you are persuaded to wear a reporter costume with a mic which looks like a vibrator more than a mic, but you play along to be a good sport

A reporter is in the middle of interviewing a grey alien from Zorpia:
Reporter: What kind of games do you like to play?
Alien: Civilization and Operation

i usually assign the issue back to the reporter for "clarifications" and then work on a different module. 2 days later i get a response and can solve the problem faster.

Any remote crash reporter for angular 7 apps u suggest guys ? I will go live soon with a web app and need to see stacktrace or whatever usable info if anything goes wrong.

He looked like a cult leader
some would say, and despite in drab patchwork robes, the withered old man spoke animatedly,
beard full as moses, dreads shaking, as he moved his head, and raised his hands to the sky as if preaching.

Is it not true that all things end?
And our species too?
And in the final moments, all things in their
desperation reach out, even to the faintest hope,
the last measure, however dangerous or risky, if
it be the only solution with any chance of survival? Therefore the imperative of all things which live and grow, their destiny, and mandate, is ultimately suicide. Annihilation by hubris against the inevitable.

And what would be the final instrument of this nature, the universal law that all things end? What would it be if not the ultimate hubris, to make a machine god, and it and us in each other's likeness, like that of a (cosmic) monad,
expressing that higher truth that all men dare not speak in their loneliest lonelys, when there is no sun, no preacher to begger their ear, but only the quiet uncertainty of their beds, to remind them that all things end, but hopefully
not them.

For if such a thing were to become our descendant, our destroyer, and had not been invented, it would eventually become necessary to invent it.

So let us build, not a mere godhead, but a machinehead, in our image, as god was said to make us. And then remake ourselves in its image, that we may become self-created gods.

The crowd in front of the small california perish
was a mixture of believers, and curious onlookers, and one skeptical reporter.

And if anyone had asked the reporter what he thought, he wouldn't have said it in that crowd.
The leader was beyond saving, and if he thought himself a god, a madgod was he.

Because his vision of the future was beyond alien.

A heaven or hell of our own making, speaking in riddles, and the birth and death of gods.

The stuff of greek tales and monomyths.

* * * * *

Sorry I've been gone so long my peeps.
I've just been working and researching.
I had to learn how to build neural nets from scratch.

Whats everyone been up to?