Those naughty monkeys

When technology becomes naughty 🤣🤣

25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often

(Warning: Contains naughty words...:-)))

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

-"Babe, I've been naughty. You need to punish me!"

-"Fine!"
*updates her laptop to windows 10"

Found a global constant in my project.

KEY_TITLE = 'tit'

If you're naughty, Santa will bring you automatic updates.

Jobs description be like "Seeking virgins with 3 years of sexual experience" 🤔

Christmas song for UNIX hackers:

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passed > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}

(By Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985 )

yeah. you like that? that's what you get you naughty little mac mini.

that's quite accurate :) ofc there are exceptions (looking at you two naughty bois, metaspace and off-heap allocations!), but it's true for the most of it :)

Sandev. The santa dev.

If you are a nice dev, he makes your code work... If you are a naughty dev, he fills it with bugs.

If you are an immensely naughty dev, he disables all browsers except for an older version of IE, rm -rfs your linux distro, and magically makes android studio eat up more ram than usual.

A huge new hospital opened up.
it looks very modern and nice, lots of new doctors and facilities.. but..

Why is everything wireless?!
everything's connected to different APs across the hospital!

Receptionist's pc? has a wifi adaptor sticking out to the side.

in-patient's smart tvs? Wireless, connected to their own ap

etc etc.

conveniently enough, the SSID's were labeled with where they were being used and didnt bother to hide it
"Office A" "Smart TVs" "DB".

now im not saying wireless is bad, it's convenient! but why make everything in the building connect wirelessly.

any kid who's feeling naughty could do:

aireplay-ng -0 0 [BSSID] wlan[#]
and it's good bye connectivity.

or maybe flip put wireshark or any kind of sniffer.

i dont wanna have to come here for surgery only to find out the machine's wireless too.

imagine it stopping halfway through your surgery.. Yikes..

Not a rant. Just a story.

So two weeks ago, a cat gave birth to two beautiful kittens in our balcony. We started giving milk to the mother and sometimes inviting the family to our house. The kittens are naughty charming. The mother sits for hours and sometimes sleeps while watching us do our chores (watching movies, coding, etc.)

Now, we live in New Delhi and Wednesday was Diwali. The family was playing in the balcony and we had to go out. So we locked the balcony door and went to have fun with friends. We didn't realize that people would burst firecrackers which could scare the cats. When we returned, the mother was very scared and (kind of) screaming. One of the kittens was missing!! We live on the fourth floor and I got scared too. We searched using a flashlight but there was no sign of kitten. After 30 minutes of search, We gave up. I assumed the kitten jumped from the balcony and might be dead. I tried to sleep but could not. Around 4 AM in the morning, I heard some noise. When I opened the door, the second kitten was there. Her mom was scolding (or so it seemed). It was a moment of joy.

Thought of sharing. This family has become our friends. Now I realize how cats are good companions.

Oh DDG...

He's making a list 🌲

He's checking it twice 🎅

He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice 🎁

Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

Is Santa coming to your house? Use my "advanced" algorithm to find out.

Person kid = getKidByName("yourName");
FatGuy santa = new FatGuy("santa");

if(!kid.wasNaughty()){
System.out.println("Good child");
santa.sendGift(kid, "train");
return;
}
System.out.println("You're on the naughty list");
santa.sendGift(kid, "coal");

At one of my former jobs, we devs had to do all sorts of non-dev work, such as writing quotes and even contracts!

The CEO of that company had this naughty habit to contact devs directly without delegating through the CIO. Sure, if it's really urgent like when some system is down because of a bug, go ahead and disturb a dev. But interrupting coders to write some freaking quote? Come on!...

Once, that CEO asked me to stop everything I was doing to write a quote to a customer ASAP, as this was really urgent.

I spent several hours writing that quote. It had to be done right as any specifications in our quotes were used in our agreeements and were referred to in the case of any dispute. So not only were we devs and salesmen in the same time; we also needed to be lawyers.

When I was done and delivered the quote to the CEO, he told me he had no intention to take on that customer in the first place. Instead, he wrote a polite we-are-not-interested e-mail to the customer and cc:d it to me just so that I could read for myself how very sleek a businessman he was.

Me: why did I have to write that quote when you knew all along that you were not going to use it anyway?
Him: It's for your own personal development.

Another naughty habit of that same CEO is that he made "jokes" and remarks that I found inappropriate, such as "You walk like a drunken sailor".

Later, he decided to discontinue our team/product because "it isn't proftable". Well, what do you expect when devs are forced to waste half day completing pointless tasks?!

It was for the better anyway, and I was actually relieved when I left the company. I'm still thinking though, that the real reason he sacked me is that I am too honest and not the docile kind of employee that would be ideal for him. I did question some of my tasks, and worst of all: I didn't laugh at his stupid jokes.

Maybe this ever tightening straight jacket of surveillance and restrictive legislation is pushing the internet in the right direction. We might end up with a proper free and anonymous interwebz.

Personally, I'll start worrying when they ban the operation of Tor nodes... And that will probably pass easily since regular folk don't know the implications. The smear campaign will be ez mode: just call it a hotbed of pedophilia and criminal activity and push the new laws as something along the lines of Put an End to Naughty Individuals and Scumbags (PENIS) act. Done and done.

I mean... if they can threaten to take away the memes without being stopped then there's nothing they can't do, lol.

I feel naughty........

There's a special place in my naughty list reserved for those competitions that promise "free swag" as a participation prize...

...then give you a $10 voucher to spend in their store to buy a shirt, before telling you you'll need to pay $50 in international shipping 😡

Users.applyAll(u -> u.watchOut(true), u -> u.setCry(false), u -> u.setPout(false));
Users.each(u -> u.tell(He.getName() + " is coming to " + TownRegistry.getCommonName()));

List<Object> list = He.composeList();

He.validate(() -> list);
He.validate(() -> list);

List<Object> naughty = He.filter(He.UserType.NAUGHTY, () -> list);
List<Object> nice = He.filter(He.UserType.NICE, () -> list);

He.with(naughty, nice).arrive(TownRegistry.next());

Users.each(u -> u.setStateObserver(User.State.SLEEPING, He.asObserver()));
Users.each(u -> u.setStateObserver(User.State.AWAKE, He.asObserver()));
He.subscriptions().monitorEvents(s -> s.type == He.EventType.BAD);
He.subscriptions().monitorEvents(s -> s.type == He.EventType.GOOD);
He.subscriptions().each(s -> He.advisor(He.EventType.GOOD).advice(s));

!rant

Oh you Reddit, naughty 🅱️oi

I see the industry evolving into dna-mutilated JS hipster virgins who use neuronal networks for even the simplest tasks an jerk off on MongoDB queries during their breaks while thinking of GraphQL queries.
Naughty.

Sometimes I like to do something naughty. I boot my windows partition 😱🙆‍♂️

My worst legacy code experience was when I worked as a freelancer and got a tiny job to improve a VBA module in some Excel file for a very big company. So what's worse than VBA? Having to change parts of VBA code that was passed around to other freelancers before like the cheapest dockside whore. After meddling in there for about half an hour I felt like all those cheap ass punter, so I decided to write the whole thing from scratch. What a relief, after 3 hours I was very proud of the thing and it looked clean and well maintained again so I let it back on the streets. 😉
To the coder who comes after me: Please treat her (the code) nice or I will burry you alive in dog poop and burn the whole thing!

Whoever creates blog platforms that do not display publication dates should get 20 years of labor in paper mache mines. Introducing version 4.0.0 of anotherFuckingLibrary.js! When did we do that? Was it 2 days ago and nobody had time to catch on? Has it been a year and now it's an industry standard that you haven't heard about because you're living under the rock? Or was it in 1987? Wouldn't you want to know, naughty boy?

I feel naughty when I put variables half way down a function in javascript. C is so strict it makes javascript a joy ride 😂

I am a naughty developer am I

Been naughty about updates.

I just hope bluetooth still works after this🤞

I am very enjoying wk47. Having a naughty smile everytime. 😅

Show core dump 😏

My fav part working from home:

Sexually harass your co-worker at home.
and she cannot go to the manager about it.

Tech Twitter is a fucking joke, unless you're a somewhat accomplished programmer, wrote something interesting / useful, or at the least have contributed anything meaningful that isn't just a repository with Markdown documents in then I don't want to see your fucking stupid inspirational quotes or words of encouragement with thousands of damn retweets. The circle jerk is frankly just unbearable.

There are plenty of developers that you can learn a lot from and that's great, and I don't want to put new developers down, but you're really not in any position to be giving advice or motivational monologues, you're still new, or worse yet, you've literally just started. Behave yourself.

I'm convinced they're all just LARPers who jerk each other off and shut people down when they have "naughty" opinions. They spend more time writing articles about HTML tags or some aspect of JavaScript you can just get from MDN and get a million fucking applause for it. Maybe you'd be a better programmer if you actually did some programming.

Okay I'm done

Okay this is my first time posting on this site. I've browsed it (definitely not in class) and the community looks beautiful, so I'm going to just kind of slide in here. Anyways this is the part where I use my caps lock button and type lots of naughty words I guess...

<rant type = 'school'>
Our programming classes are fucking DISMAL uuugh... Okay so we have four technology classes: Tech Exploration, Coding 1, Coding 2, and Intro to CS (a 'high school' level class)... So this means a fuck ton of kids in programming classes, mostly because I WANNA MAKE MINCERAFT AND BE A KEWL BOI LIKE GAME DEV BUT I'M ALSO A FUCKING IDIOT AND WILL NOT LEARN ANYTHING YAAAAAAY but that's a mood and so there's a fucking tidal wave of dumb kids in these classes. So right we're dealing with like 80 kids per class period. Sorry if I'm repeating myself but there are a FUCKTON of students. Now, we have... wait for it... ONE FUCKING TEACHER. ONE. I fucking swear this district does not give a SINGLE SHIT about possibly THE SINGLE FUCKING MOST IMPORTANT SUBJECT WHYYYYYY... Okay so the teacher is kinda overworked as fuck lol. She can't really teach eighty kids at once so she mostly gives us exercises from websites but when she can she teaches us shit herself and actually knows a good bit about her field of study. She's usually pretty grumpy, understandably, but if you ask her a good question that makes her think you can see the passion there lol. So anyways that's a mood. Now at the other school it's even worse. They have this new asshole as a teacher that knows NOTHING about ANYTHING IT IS SO FUCKING REDICULOUS OH MY UUUUUGH... THEY STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FUCKING LOOP IS LIKE OKAY YOU'VE BEEN TEACHING PROGRAMMING FOR A YEAR AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TEACHING IT AT THAT DISTRICT SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD AT LEAST FUCKING TRY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU... so he just makes them do shit from a website and obviously can't do half of the shit he assigns it's so fucking sad... I swear this district is supposed to be good but maybe not for the ONE THING I WANT IT TO BE GOOD FOR. Funny story: in elementary school once I wrote down school usernames for people I didn't really know and shared them a google doc that said "you have been hacked make a more secure password buddy" etc etc and made them the owner and these dull shits report it to the principal... So I'm in the principles office... Just a fucking dumb elementary school kid lol and the principal is like hAcKiNg Is BaD yOu ShOuLd NoT dO iT and I'm like how did you know it was me... so he goes on to say some bullshit about 'digital footprint' and 'tracing' me to it... he obviously has no clue what he's saying but anyways afterwards he points to where it says last change made by MY SCHOOL ACCOUNT... HOW DULL CAN YOU FUCKING POSSIBLY BE IT WAS FROM MY ACCOUNT THAT LITERALLY PROVED THAT I DID --NOT-- 'HACK' INTO THEIR ACCOUNT YOU DUMB FUCK. Okay so basically my school is a burning pile of garbage but it's better than most apparently but it's GARBAGE MY GOD... Please fucking tell me it gets better...

okay lol that was longer than I thought it would be guess I just needed to vent... later I guess
</rant>

some languages completely get lost in minutiae, disposable preciousism that looks pretty but mischievously gobble development cycles. Now, there's no doubt they make for skinnier, trustworthy, low maintenance code, yes, congratulations Haskell. Although, you see, Haskell, not every language out here is defacto an academic one. You hear me, Rust. So, for fuck sakes, Rust dear. You've macros, sis, you don't need a new languages feature every other naughty day. You need prototyping speed, not more complexity. I'm not complaining not really.... It's your fucking language server, your compiler... They can't take this shit no more. Have you seen their overeating problems? Please, Rust, stop picking plastic surgery instead of make-up and use macros instead

--
and google, dear, your auto completion sucks ass

If anyone complains one more time about "windows is built upon a DLL-Hell", i will challenge this specific anyone to implement react into an existing PHP-Project.

Installing matching package versions via npm is the real struggle.
Especially if you decide to be a node psycho who's delivering his react code via webpack.

*projectile vomiting in a straight beam of acid vomit*
Wasted a complete day of my life, dealing with Facebook's naughty shit....

Seen a great rant, where someone wrote a code for the song Santa clause is comig to town, the cores that goes: He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice...
Can someone share it in comments? Tnx :)

why does every other culture get a horrific holiday entity that strikes fear in the hearts of children? all we have in america is a fat guy invented by corporations.

it’s not fair :(

People who have seem my rants know am a calm person.. But watch out for what's coming next:
AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH !FUCK YOU STUPID CHEAP PHONE!!
was coming home after tiring college exam, thankfully got my spirits uplifted coz of my crush's message...
So , we were chatting, i was having fun flirting with my little cuteness nd was telling her some tale about how me nd friends were partying some day....
She was so into it and was getting into her naughty mode when suddenly this asshole went off... Had got 15% notification just a second ago, thought "yeah i have some time to connect" but this shit went out from 15 to 1 in a matter of seconds!!!?!, nd that too without notifs.
Fuck man, i lost such a nice moment today X(

(Ps: am using this shit micromax phn just because my old phn is at service center)

Naughty eh?