Dude you've been in college for 4 years and you still don't know how to make a for loop in C. Why are you still here?!! I hate it when I have to carry 2-4 of these people every semester because of "group projects"!

I made a ridicously hilarious hack recently. My refrigerator it's broken, it has a huge leak of water, my hack was to let the water flow in a plastic box and make a circuit with two water level sensors, a relay and a PIC16F628A to activate a pump that sucks water away through a tube that I wedged intlside the gasket of the washbasin. This gave me the time to buy a newer and better one.

First Helpdesk call of the day:

"My PC has been stuck on the same thing for an hour now. Its completely crashed."
"Does pressing ctrl alt delete do anything?"
"Where's that button?"
"Its 3 buttons - ctrl in the bottom left, alt beside the spacebar and delete over near the arrow keys. Press them all at the same time. Does it do anything?"
"No"
"Okay then, you need to manually power off the laptop then."
"How do i do that?"
"Hold down the power button"
"Where's that?"
"....on your laptop?! It's how you turn it on in the mornings?"
*60 seconds go by* "oh i see it. Ok i pressed it! Its Flashing blue now."
"Oh, no, just hold it down until everything goes black."
"The power button?"
"Yes."
"But that would turn off the entire PC?"
"Yes."
"Why do i have to do that?"

God help me if this is how my day is going to be 😢

My worst nightmare:

it's not the code what's wrong during testing.

It's the unit tests themselves

RandomGuy: I can't seem to play some videos on my laptop. Can you help?

LinuxPro: You have to install Arch Linux to do that. Windows 10 sucks.

If a programmer owns a death note :

writes an asterisk * and the world would just end like that

Stolen from an awesome book but my new favourite line ;)

Someone: “Can you repair my computer， it`s not working anymore?”

Me: “Do you call Leonardo Dicaprio when your Tv is broken?”

- "Have you ever used breakpoints?"
- "Umm.."
- "You ever saw a breakpoint?"
- "You mean like... "break;"?"
...

I uploaded a release APK to Play Store with the API host set to the local address I used in dev 192.168.x.x:8000 :/

Everybody loves Man In The Middle jokes.

Well, everybody except Alice and Bob.
😂

Year 2013

- Trying this thing called Bitcoin
- Setup wallet in spare USB drive
- Buy 0.5 BTC (couldn’t afford more)
- Forgot about it

Year 2016

- Remembered I had bought BTC
- Looking like crazy for my USB drive
- Found it!
- Insert it into PC
- only one file in it
- essay_blah_blah_<sisters name>.doc
- poof, gone for ever

"So you're a coder?"
"Yeah"
"Can you hack the pentagon then"

🙃

Manager: Why aren’t you working?

Dev: I am, I’m just not typing because I’m thinking an issue out.

Manager: Well what is taking so long? You haven’t written any code for like 15 minutes, you’ve just been doodling on your notepad.

Dev: I’m not “doodling”. I’m taking notes and trying to visualize the issue. It’s a complicated issue with application stat—

Manager: Well just simplify it then

Dev: ?

Manager: Instead of making it a complicated issue just simplify it and then it won’t take you so long. You’re likely overthinking it, I never spend more than 30 seconds thinking about any issue before coming up with a solution. That’s what makes me so effective at my job is my ability to be lean like that.

Dev: …this issue is a bit harder than deciding what to have for lunch

So basically there's this guy, that work with us that relocated from a small village south of Italy to the city where we have the HQ.

So after a while this guy has found a girlfriend here and after few days we discovered that he never had sex in his life. you may ask, how did you discover it? Yes, basically he disappeared for a week, his phone was off, no slack, no Facebook, nothing. We couldn't contact him in any way. After a week he gave a call to our cto saying sorry about what happened and explaining that he spent the whole week having sex with his girl, day and night. This story has also a good end because he still has his job.

Overheard from a sales call (involving web templates):

"Sometimes I really don't get our devs. They come up with all these ridiculous meaningless acronyms for everything, and yet they go mental if you dare shorten Javascript to Java."

It's the one thing that keeps me sane

well that was insightful.

Lose some ...

What were you doing?

I deleted my Facebook so now you guys have to like the photo I just took.

Ohhh and have a great fuckin' weekend, you fucks.