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Search - "axe"
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Our CTO has been told, this morning by management, that our development department is "too quiet" and that it's spoiling "the atmosphere" of the office space.
So we've ordered mechanical keyboards.21 -
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I'll spend the first twelve sharpening the axe. —A programmer.6
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" If you can put an axe through it, it's hardware; if you want to put an axe through it, it's software. " -- Unknown7
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Hello everyone, found this place recently, decided to bore you with one (or many) Navy story... tech Navy story. I'll start from the end.
Little backstory: I've deployed a simple domain setup on the ship I served, nothing fancy, a server, a switch, 10 computers, all Windows (details on that at another rant). I enter the ship Monday morning, and the XO tells me that he can't access his online folders.
OK, I say, I'll get to it. I fire up my laptop, try to RDP to the server (I know, I know, burn me at the stake later) no connection. WTF? Is the service down? I try pinging. No luck. I tried pinging the switch. OK. Looking at the switch admin panel, I see the server's port is dead. "OK, probably the cable." (we have old ethernet cables)
So, I drag my ass over to the server (same room with ship comms) with the cable tester to confirm that. What do I see?
The IMBECILES had pulled the plug from the server so that they could charge their mobile phones. I literally slammed my head against the door (calming exercise in case of spontaneous murder impulses - the things you learn at the Academy). My CO was nearby, and lucky for the guys, he heard me yell at them, while throwing mobiles and chargers around.
"But we thought it was OK, we just wanted to charge our-"
I kid you not, I reached for the firefighter's axe.
My CO grabbed me by the collar and dragged me to his room. I explained to him (between two cigarettes) that we MUST get a UPS and a server cabinet (budget constraints in the military are something that will give you people nightmares, trust me). I carefully explained to him that unless we got those, nothing would prevent the next moron from destroying confidential data and me from murdering him.
I plugged in and booted the server, after installing a multi socket extension. Two days after, surprise surprise, the server was off again. That was the first time I opened the door to the CO's room with a low kick. I must have looked like a psycho on drugs, he gave approval for the purchase in twenty seconds flat.
After that, I installed the UPS and the cabinet. Everything went inside, from the UPS to the very plugs. Just a locked box with cables coming out.
One of the guys came to my room, and asked if I could unlock the cabinet so that they could plug a "device" they needed.
I actually reached for my folding knife.
Disclaimer: The story above is TRUE. Even the almost violent parts.23 -
Dev: "What if the user has more than 100 entries? How would that display?"
UX: "They won't ever have that many"
Dev: "But what if they do?"
UX: "They won't."
(spoiler: they do)3 -
Okay it's called devRant - so I'll rant...
Why the fuck do people write comments like that:
$savesThisStuff = "stuff"; # does save stuff
Why are here 1500 lines from which there are 700 outcommented code and 300 dead functions which aren't called anywhere?
Why the fuck is here PHP code which generates JavaScript inline which itself generates STATIC (!!) HTML.
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"Always code like the one maintaining your code next is a violent murderer with an axe and you'll still be save."
... Where's my axe again?9 -
The Manager kept masturbating over "low hanging fruit".
The apples on the bottom of The Product have all been picked.
The apples at the top are starting to rot.
The Manager masturbated a bit more over the low hanging fruit.
The bottom of The Product is now so slippery with Manager Cum that the brave engineers can't reach the top anymore.
Time to bring my axe to work.13 -
A room full of mostly old male stressed out engineers sat in chairs, and the presenter said:
"So who watched Judging Amy last night?"
The presenter went on to express her surprise that nobody in the room had seen last night's episode of Judging Amy.... and wasn't going to drop the topic.
The meeting, if it ever had any, now had no chance of going anywhere good.
By the end of the meeting someone would walk out and "retire" shortly there after, and it certainly wasn't going to be the presenter....
Backstory:
The company built on the IBM model of sell pricey custom hardware (granted it worked really well) and sell expensive support contracts wasn't doing as well as it had hoped. Granted it was still doing better than most of its neighboring companies, but it was clear that with the .com bust the days of catered lunches every day were over.
The company had grown fat and everyone knew that while the company had a good enough product(s) to survive, there weren't enough lifeboats for everyone to survive.
In the midst of this an HR department that took up nearly 20% of the office space at HQ felt it needed to justify its existence / expenses.
They decided to do this in the same way they always had, by taking funding from other departments, this time not by simply demanding more direct budgets for themselves.... they decided to impose mandatory 'training' on other departments ... that they would then bill for this training.
When HR got wind that there were some stressed out engineers the solution was, as it always is for HR.... to do more HR stuff:
They decided to take these time starved engineers away from their jobs, and put them in a room with HR for 4 days. Meanwhile the engineer's tasks, deadlines and etc remained the same.
Support got roped into it too, and that's how I ended up there.
It would be difficult to describe the chasm between HR and everyone else at that company. This was an HR department that when they didn't have enough cubes (because of constant remodeling in the HR area under the guise of privacy) sat their extra HR employees next to engineering and were 'upset' that the engineers 'weren't very friendly and all they did was work'.
At one point a meeting to discuss this point of contention was called off for some made up reason or another by someone with a clue.
So there we all sat, our deadlines kept ticking away and this HR team (3 people) stood at the front of the room and were perplexed that none of these mostly older males in this room had seen last night's episode of Judging Amy.
From there the presentation was chaos, because almost the entire thing was based on your knowledge of what happened to poor stressed out Amy ... or something like that.
We were peppered with HR tales of being stressed out and taking a long lunch and feeling better, and this magical thing where the poor HR person went and had a good cry with her boss and her boss magically took more off her plate (a brutal story where the poor HR person was almost moved to tears again).
The lack of apparent sympathy (really nobody said much at all) and lack of seeming understanding from the crowd of engineers that all they should do is take a long lunch, or tell their boss to solve their problems ... seemed to bother the HR folks. They were on edge.
So then they finally asked "What are your stressers?" And they picked the worst possible person they could to ask, Ted.
Ted was old, he prickly, he was the only one who understood the worst ass hell of assembly that had been left behind.
Ted made a mistake, he was honest with folks who couldn't possibly understand what he was saying. "This mandatory class is stressing me out. I have work to do and less time because of this class."
The exchange that followed was kinda horrible and I recall sitting behind Ted trying to be as small as possible as to not be called on. Exactly what everyone said almost doesn't matter.
A pedantic debate between Ted and the HR staff about "mandatory" and "required" followed. I will just sum it up that they were both in the wrong for how they behaved for a good 20 minutes...
Ted walked out, and would later 'retire' that week.
Ted had a history and was no saint. I suspect an email campaign by various folks who recounted the events that day spared ted the 'fired' status and he walked with what eventually would become the severance package status quo.
HR never again held another 'training', most of them would all finally face the axe a few months later after the CEO finally decided that 'customer facing, and product producing' headcount had been reduced enough ... and it was other internal staff's time for that.
The result of the meeting was one less engineer, and everyone else had 4 days less of work done...4 -
"I can't work, my new computer is so slow. Please make it faster!"
I can't and won't make your computer faster, because you bought it yourself eventhough you said I should send you an estimate for a new one.
And the fucking software you complain about being slow is none of ours and neither did we install it you crackhead.
By the hammer of Thor, don't ever fucking call me again you shitpiece!
Next time you ask me for an estimate, I will give you my stump two-sided axe through your head while laughing hysterically.1 -
The moments when you grow the most as a person are those where you have a big axe in your hand, ready to shout through the office WHICH OF YOU LOWLY SPERMSLURPING JERKS FORGOT TO WRITE A FUCKING TEST FOR THIS METHOD
...only to see your own name appear in git blame.3 -
So building a game engine and everything's internal name is wood/axe/lumberjack themed...
Started work on the scripting language and gave it the code name faggot script... Took me 48 hours to realise I should probably change that...6 -
When you walk away from your Windows 10 box for a meeting and come back in the middle of an unsolicited reboot. Where's my axe?3
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I want to get this fake axe: https://amazon.com/Realistic-woodcu...
I want to hang on my wall at work and label it:
"merge conflict resolution tool".
Is that too violent for a joke?9 -
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." - Abraham Lincoln
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"The role: You will be designing and building responsive emails on a daily basis using HTML5/ CSS3/JavaScript"
Errrrrrrmmmm...5 -
Okay, I think I am losing it, how do you explain a distributed computing VM has to somehow execute code on some hardware at a point to a customer that is clearly a big ass bullshit eater/buzzword bitch?
Because if I can't, I may buy a plane ticket for Canada and an axe, and that is not for cutting lumber11 -
Always write your code like the person who will maintain it is an axe murderer who knows where you live.2
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An old friend just texted me and asked me to hack Facebook. Again.
FUCK OFF. I'm not a fucking work-horse, I'm not a slave, and I'm not fucking with something as meaningless and stupid as FB.
Go hack your way into his neck with an axe if you want to, I'll even help, but fuck messing with their social life. Go for the disease, not the symptoms.4 -
so current elon - Twitter situation is like this:
EM - i will buy this company for 44B
Twitter: what!? 44B for this crap? our ESOPs will make us millionaires! sure , go ahead.
EM - Sike!! i was kidding. no deal
Twitter - NO BACKSIES!!! *sues*
EM - ugh, okay. i will buy this company, but i want full ROI in next 5 years + 50% of you are fired
Twitter - Whaaa!!!
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i guess some disaster was expected from this takeover and twitter mgmt throwed themselves on the axe on their own.
but it's wierd why every CEO change comes with an immediate firing of staff16 -
Fuck my internet connection. I really dont get it, sometimes it works fine and I can download small files while using skype without any problem and the other day, without any apparent reason, I always get kicked out of online games, Websites take ages to load and teamspeak audio cuts out. What the fuck, I even closed everything that might take up the smallest amout of bandwidth. It fucking ruins my night to the point where I want to run through my computer setup with an axe.11
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Out of curiosity for all the front-end web developers, do you normally test to make sure that your websites are accessible to the blind, color-blind etc.. ? (and i'm not just talking about "alt" attributes)
I've been working as a web developer for over 5 years now at several different companies with close to 100 websites and not a single one seemed to have even considered it. The first time it came up was because a client REQUIRED conformance level AA or higher (I had no idea this was even a thing). In my opinion, ensuring that your website is at least somewhat accessible should be an essential step in every project.
If anyone's looking for some tools to make testing easier you can check these out:
- axe - Web Accessibility Testing (chrome extension)
- Accessibility Insights for Web (chrome extension)12 -
So the other day I was talking to my gf about how it was crowdy in the metro area and how big the queue was for ticket, she said 'You should never say it was a big queue but it was a long queue' and I said 'It wasn't a big queue but it was a double queue' and I started laughing.
My gf being from a non technical background didn't understand why I was laughing so much.2 -
First off i'll try and describe my game in as little words as possible, think your typical survival game but crossed-over with a town management/village management game and in VR.
So this is a little old since i posted it on twitter a couple weeks back but I made some progress on a game i'm working on.
https://twitter.com/Arcticfoenix/...
Sorry that it's a link to twitter for those that do not like twitter, i can give you a run-down of what it shows and ill figure out a way of linking the videos somehow.
I decided that I should show some progress on the game I started working on before I joined the company that I'm with now, my only issue is the amount of free time I don't have to work on it.
First video shows resource gathering, we (as in me and my brother) wanted to go with more realistic tree chopping something you would see in the forest or stranded deep, you chop a tree at the base and it will fall down, where you then can chop it into logs and planks.
The next video shows the blueprint system which is how you will craft your items like the forge, crafting table, etc. By picking the blueprint from within your book (which doubles for your UI/Menu/way to exit the game) and placing it on the ground. You then take a hammer and hit it in place to confirm the placement - I definitely want to be able to have the object be rotatable and such which i'll do in the future.
Last one shows tool dismantling system, where you can take tools/weapon apart when put on a crafting table, the idea behind this is so you can change up parts of your tool/weapon brcause individual bita will degrade and visually show wear, axe head will show chips that will get bigger and eventually break, which will leave you with just a handle. You can also jusy generally improve one piece of your weapon/tool.
Last thing that I left out as an actual video was that the map generation is all procedurally generated, all thanks to Sebastian Lague's tutorial, I managed to finish it and will definitely be exploring ways to create awesome maps to play on.
Everything is mostly from when I worked on this game in december with a few things that I did recently when I get the chance I will do lots of overhauling and work to making a demo version of the game! -
is being a tech/dev person, a dead end job?
i have been thinking about this for sometime. as a dev, we can progress into senior dev, then tech lead, then staff engineer probably. but that is that. for a tech person :
1. their salary levels are defined. for eg, a junior may earn $10k pm , and the highest tech guy (say staff engineer) will earn $100k pm, but everyone's salary will be spread over this range only, in different slots.
2. some companies give stocks and bonuses , but most of the time that too is fixed to say 30% of the annual salary at max.
3. its a low risk job as a min of x number of tech folks are always required for their tech product to work properly. plus these folks are majorly with similar skills, so 2 react guys can be reduced to 1 but not because of incompetency .
4. even if people are incompetent, our domain is friendly and more like a community learning stuff. we share our knowledge in public domain and try to make things easy to learn for other folks inside and outside the office. this is probably a bad thing too
compare this to businesses , management and sales they have different:
1. thier career progression : saleman > sales team manager> branch manager > multiple branch manager(director) > multiple zones/state manager (president) > multiple countries/ company manager (cxo)
2. their salaries are comission based. they get a commission in the number of sales they get, later theybget comission in the sales of their team> their branch > their zone and finally in company's total revenue. this leads to very meagre number in salaries, but a very major and mostly consistent and handsome number in commission. that is why their salaries ranges from $2k pm to $2-$3millions per month.
3. in sales/management , their is a always a room for optimisation . if a guy is selling less products, than another guy, he could be fired and leads could be given to other/new person. managers can optimise the cost/expenses chain and help company generate wider profits. overall everyone is running for (a) to get an incentive and (b) to dodge their boss's axe.
4. this makes it a cut-throat and a network-first domain. people are arrogant and selfish, and have their own special tricks and tactics to ensure their value.
as a manager , you don't go around sharing the stories on how you got apple to partner with foxconn for every iphone manufacturing, you just enjoy the big fat bonus check and awe of inspiration that your junior interns make.
this sound a little bad , but on the contrary , this involves being a people person and a social animal. i remember one example from the office web series, where different sales people would have different strategies for getting a business: Michael would go wild, Stanley would connect with people of his race, and Phyllis would dress up like a client's wife.
in real life too, i have seen people using various social cues to get business. the guy from whom we bought our car, he was so friendly with my dad, i once thought that they are some long lost brothers.
this makes me wonder : are sales/mgmt people being better at being entrepreneur and human beings than we devs?
in terms of ethics, i don't think that people who are defining their life around comissions and cut throat races to be friendly or supportive beings. but at the same time, they would be connecting with people and their real problems, so they might become more helpful than their friends/relatives and other "good people" ?
Additionally, the skills of sales/mgmt translate directly to entrepreneurship, so every good salesman/manager is a billionaire in making. whereas we devs are just being peas in a pod , debating on next big npm package and trying to manage taxes on our already meagre , "consistent" income :/
mann i want some people skills like these guys10 -
I've posted about this a little in the past but.. my situation is that I got hired by a company as a developer, it turns out it was a lead dev role and they some how believe that I'm a one man army that's gonna finish a really huge web application started by another dev that left the company (apparently out of frustration from what I'm gathering in code comments and other employees)
All of this needs to be done in four months. I have never written a web application from the ground up and have always been subordinant to more competent developers. The team I with speaks mostly French and I can't help but notice the ever increasing social, communication, and cultural divides, being ostracized by people that I need support from because they don't speak great English has been frustrating to say the least. People have taken a step back in other areas which has me concerned they might be wanting to axe me cause I'm not making enough progress. Helppppppp1 -
I have a huge axe to grind about companies sending me emails I have not consented to. Sometimes they have a checkbox for it, which I always, ALWAYS make sure I do not check. Sometimes they just add you automatically as soon as you enter your email adress.
Sometimes the 'Unsubscribe' link leads to a dead page, or just doesn't work.
And sometimes... They send you a bunch of emails to let you know they will absolutely stop sending you emails 😑
Why. Why? WHY? WHYYYYY?!?!?
Why are so many, even otherwise respected and very customer satisfaction minded companies so disgustingly cavalier or downright dirty about emails?
Even after this whole GDPR thing! -
I just started playing terraria and holy shit, it puts minecraft to shame in so many aspects.
It actually makes you feel like the mc devs are some fucking lazy ass morons sitting on piles of cash.
Minecraft is 11 years old and it has 4 bosses and they are all underwhelming pieces of shit, jesus christ.
They can't even make mining fun for fucks sake. Work an half an hour or more to get a full set of diamond only to accidentally lose it to lava in the nether.
They added netherite? Holy shit I can't wait to see the new gear I can craft with it.
Pickaxe, axe, shovel, hoe, sword, helmet, chestplate, leggings, boots. Wow, netherite shovel, that's what the minecraft community needed.
How about an actual battle axe, knives? a baseball bat? Spells? Fucking something minecraft, come on, you can't just have 10 weapons man!
The lack of creative content and variety in minecraft is staggering. Adding a block of a different color and texture is not new content!!!
Also, fuck villagers and the sound they make and their faces. Worse character design ever. Not a single redeeming aspect. And fuck their trading system.
The trade system is horrible!!! One item at a time per character. No text from villagers. They don't have names!!!! They don't feel like villagers!!! They feel like robots!!!! Not a single one of them fights back!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK???? JUST ADD ONE THAT FIGHTS BACK YOU MORONS!!! NOT THAT WEIRD ASS GOLEM!!!
AND NO ONE GIVES TOO FUCKING SHITS ABOUT THE GOSSIP SYSTEM MC DEVS. NO OONEEEEE!!!
Terraria is not a perfect game, but it doesn't just try to be a good rpg, it actually is.
Meanwhile every 3d sandbox after minecraft will either be a filthy clone or not exist at all by fear of being labeled as such. Because of that I will keep on trashing on minecraft, even though I still play it a lot.11 -
boss: ... It's easy for you programmers to find a job, isn't it? (After he told me I was to face the axe.)
me: (WTF?...) -
Anybody here involved with SIMS online services for schools (UK) I think it’s done by Capita. Because it is the biggest pile of shite I have seen (as a parent from UX UI perspective). I would gladly visit your establishment with an axe and ensure you would never do anything so bad again.5
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For developers writing a thesis, article or an essay is really an axe to grind. However such challenges are now dealt by using online essay writing services where qualified writers are available to write as many pages and of any kind. Research papers and thesis writing is like a piece of cake for them and one of the best examples of quality writing service is https://www.5staressays.com.
5StarEssays support stafff are committed to provide highly empathetic services and an info graphic is shared by them to take the writing bull by it's horns.20