Interviewer: "I checked your Github, your side projects look very interesting! Tell me about your other hobbies."

Me: "other hobbies?"

Windows 9 uses IPv5

1. I join a company.

2. I get deeply involved in "how to run the company", and get nice compliments from both coworkers & management about my skills in conveying startup/scaleup advice & necessities to upper management.

3. With my ego inflated through all the sweet talk, I think "ah, what the hell, let's do this again", and I accept a Lead/CTO promotion. I have to join board meetings, write reports on quarterly plans and progress.

4. I get unhappy/stressed/burned-out because I really just want to be a developer, not a manager/executive.

5. Upper management understands, I give up my lead position, lock myself back into my coding cave.

6. I get annoyed because the requirements I receive become more and more disconnected from reality, half of the teams seem to have decided to stop using agile/scrum, the testing pipeline breaks all the time, I get an updated labor contract from HR by mail which smells like charred flesh, etc

7. The annoyances become too much to do ANY work. I yell at the other devs outside of the entrance of my cave. There is no answer, only a few painful moans and sighs.

8. I emerge from my cave. The city has turned into a desolate wasteland. The office is a burning ruin, the air sharp and heavy with black soot. Disemboweled corpses of developers litter the poisoned soil.

Product Managers dressed in stained ripped suits scream at each other while they try to reinforce concrete barricades with scotch tape and post-its. *THUMP* Something enormous is trying to break through. "Thank God, bittersweet, you're still alive! The stakeholders! They have mutated! We couldn't meet the promised deadlines! We've lost the whole mobile app department, and that kid there is the last of the backenders and he's only an intern! You're here to save us, right? RIGHT?".

In the corner, between the overflowing coffee machine and a withered cactus, a young boy has collapsed onto the floor. His face is covered in moldy coffee grounds, clasping on to his closed macbook for dear life, wide-open eyes staring into the void, mumbling: "didn't backup the database, and It's all gone" over and over.

A severely dented black Tesla with a dragging loose bumper breaks through the dried up vertical herb garden and the smoothiebar, and comes to a halt against the beanbags in a big cloud of styrofoam balls.

The CEO limps out, leaking blood all over the upholstery. He yells to the COO: "The datacenter is completely flooded with sewage! I saved the backup tapes though", holding a large nest of tangled black magnetic tape mixed with clumps of mud above his head.

9. I collect my outstanding salary and sell any rewarded options/shares for a low dumping price, take a 5 month holiday, and ask a recruiter about opportunities in a different city.

Can't wait to read a bunch of stories about myself on this weeks rant.

A while back I had a coworker who was just strange. I took a personal day one day, and came back to find my monitor (that I had brought from home) was gone. I was asking the people who worked around me where it went and after no one knew, I found it on someone else's desk. When I explained to him how I had brought it from home he denied he took it from my desk and continued that it was HIS from home! Turns out he had been taking other people's equipment around the office as well. He would rearrange furniture and even take down other people's personal decorations. He was eventually let go...

Citizens are advised not to cover their Webcams and Mic ports by scotch tape or anything else, as the devices might get heated and may sometimes even burst.

Cooperation is expected from everyone.
Have a nice day :)

My boss is technically my coworker.
I screamed my lungs out after it became clear that he didn't give a shit about employees that bring him money. After snatching all funds from a finished project on time, failing to deliver on the promise about bonuses (it's what I used to motivate employees to deliver the project on time), refusing to buy a new chair to replace the one held together by scotch tape and careful balancing, I decided to quit with maximum damage.

I screamed so that everybody would hear it. That encouraged another guy to get in with quitting, and within 1 month most of the team had quit, leaving the boss with a risk of lawsuits for prepaid contacts not delivered.

Knowing that piece of shit, he probably recovered and is treating other people badly, but at least every single person from the team experienced the biggest jump in careers straight after that.

I'm a bad influence.

It's been a tradition for me to keep a bottle of 'desk whiskey' buried in a drawer at work. A couple weeks ago, I started inviting cube mates over for a drink on Fridays as five pm rolled around.

Soon one of them brought in a bottle of scotch. Then another.
Started observing the afternoon drink on days other than Friday, more folks got involved...

Now the CTO talks about "Whiskey O' Clock" daily.

🍺

Code. Scotch neat. Happy Friday ladies and gentlemen.

That moment when you walk into the office on your first day, while setting up your desk they ask you which mouse you would like to use, and you respond "oh no thank you I prefer my trackpad" and the whole office stops what their doing and gives you that look...

How's the site launch going? Fucking started drinking scotch at 11:15am. That's how it's going.

My coworkers are all working remotely because they're hungover, and all shocked I'm in the office today.

You think a night of drinking and 4 hours of sleep is enough to hold me down? Please. If I'm hungover enough to not go to work it means I'm probably in the hospital lol.

That being said, I have discovered that scotch does not agree with my stomach, so I'm not having the best time. At least I'm here though!

Day of the interview sr. Architect says: "We have near 100% unit test coverage in our code."

One month later when I tell him there are 0 unit tests written against 300 projects: "Yeah, I knew that was a problem."

What can you do when the people who want to hire you lie outright to your face?

Oh yeah, and not a god damned one was written using any sense of object oriented programming at all. Every single damned project is written like its on a motherfucking punchcard put together by a cs 101 student with a 2 hour fucking deadline.

I can understand if it needs some work, just tell me. Don't fucking lie to me just to get me in the door to fix a problem you know you have. JUST HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR YOUR CANDIDATES AND DON'T FUCKING LIE TO THEM!

Off to drink some scotch and think about what it would be like to shove a finger deep enough into my nostril to hear a pop and smell popcorn before going off into that good night.

I said good day.

Is the software at your company so bad that it's a miracle that anything works?

Does it feel like this colossal pile of broken electronics from the past 30 years duct taped together and patched with multiple tiers of adapters, wires spliced together with scotch tape, and someone on stand by with a fire extinguisher?

Do you feel like getting your product to work is like how we used to get things to work back in the eighties? Not just turning things off and on again, but things like hitting the tv to make it work again, blowing into cartridges, and the feeling of pulling on the starting cord on a gas powered mower over and over again to no avail?

That is exactly what my company's codebase is. A huge amorphous, heterogenous pile of shit that somehow works and occasionally has to be massaged to make it work again. Fuck my life.

This fcktard client that insist on using an iframe and demands support for browsers like IE7. You are costing me years of my life.

Fucking fuck of a Microsoft trying to protect people against tracking from 3d parties in an iframe in random ways in some versions of IE7. Or IE11 in IE7 compatibility mode.

If you are going to refuse sessions just do it! I got a fucking check and fix for that. Because these fuck faces friendly people at Apple like to refuse sessions on iPads and iPhone too. But we worked that out, because they are at least consistent. So a few dirty little hacks made it all Okay.

But no, Boo Hoo I'm Microsoft and I will throw a tantrum. I like my browsers to be like an magican, instead of an usefull piece of software. If you look in this page, or look here we got them. I got your sessions​, safe and secure.

But when you need me, to verify that the user is allowed to access data we do a little hocus pocus and now they are gone. Nowhere to be seen or found again. Fun times free fucking magic shows all day long.

It's morning but maybe its time for a bottle of scotch. Maybe if I'm in the state as this browser. Where I don't know what I'm doing because I'm shitfaced drunk it will start working.

When in Rome do as the romans do.

I pasted scotch tape on the small sensor under the mice of everyone (like 20 people). Then I used a black marker on the scotch tape so it wad completely opaque.

Result? Everyone panicked when they tried to use their computer because the mouse was not working.

I have a new boss who was hired today. Well, I guess he's supposed to be a 2nd in command to my current supervisor, but I still have to report to him too I guess.

This dude is a high-sodium seasoned dev, and the kind who thinks anyone who's been in the industry less than 15 years should be at best a test engineer or thrown into the 7th ring of Customer Support.

Ugh. I'm now out of gin, which was my backup to my scotch. And this prick expects me to have a PR ready for him to review on a whole new application I've been working on for the last 2 weeks by midday tomorrow. And today was his first day.

Sometimes, usually during the evening, I lower the lights in the living room, put some of my greatest Scotch in a glass, and stare at this fine and beautiful piece of code I wrote a long time ago that I am really proud of.

Before I realized what a Vagrant Box was, I thought everyone was talking about cardboard boxes for homeless people.

So there I am thinking everyone was talking about homeless people and I finally understand that it's a service for quickly deploying VMs for local development when I get invited to a party after a convention with my hosting company and I look over the rail and see a vagrant man asleep on a cardboard box.

Hell yeah! Now I'm ready to face the new year! Whoooo

I wish homework worked like an ES6 Promise: "A Promise represents a value which may be available now, or in the future, or never."

Only aim is to earn enough to drink costliest Scotch every weekend 😍

Just moved this weekend into the first home I've ever actually owned. Bought a scotch older than myself to mark the occasion, but I want to save it to share with my brother sometime during Yule (that's an agonizing abstinence for me). But at least someone gifted me with a Macallan 12 yr for housewarming that has been hitting the spot quite nicely.

Got my PC set up already to unfortunately go back to work tomorrow. Speaking of which, is it like "Recruiting Season" or something? I have been hit up like crazy about other opportunities, at a time when my company that i've been with almost 4 years seems to be floundering to get its shit together.

I guess I haven't paid much attention in the past to whether I get hit up with "opportunities" more at the end of the year or not. But its something I'm seriously considering right now. 2020 was mostly stagnant for me, and ending the year with moving is a high note. Would not mind continuing this trend of change whilst I still have to wait for the world to be able to resume "normalcy" a while longer.

So, today I've read a study that says that chocolate '' improves brain function ". Bullshit. What improves brain function is having a glass of scotch while programming. Damn, I even write code faster. The problem is the morning after when I re-read my programm. I really didn't thought I knew mandarin.

You know you are addicted to devRant when in a Sweet Sixteen party (actually 15yo here in Brazil), you have a glass of Scotch, my daughter sleeping in my lags and are still browsing devRant...

so I did dry january...

conclusions:

- perhaps a slight amount of more energy, but then I just work way more than i would anyway, since there is nothing else to do
- anxiety / stress not really affected or reduced
- sleep not noticably improved either

so overall I don't think I really get any of the so called "benefits" that the health gurus claim 🤡

needless to say I will be enjoying some scotch tonight

It's 6pm here, running out of scotch. Writing a backend for telegram bot. Seems like I need to step out to get some scotch

Anyone else having issues accessing Github from behind the Great Firewall?

Took my first PTO today since joining the new company to get my wisdom teeth extracted. Already took care of that first thing this morning. Now I actually get to kick back and listen to some records until my new GPU is delivered, and then I get to fuck off the rest of the weekend with new games because my wife says I can't do any yard work this weekend.

Only had the top two extracted because I was born without the bottoms I guess. But less pain on my wallet and my jaw, I'll happily trade in the narcotics they gave me and stick to my scotch.

Not a bad 3 day weekend in my book. Ill have to go back and figure out who/what broke the projection runner in the sandbox environment when I go back, but eh. that's a Monday problem now. 😎

Fuck virtual network networking holy shit why is it so hard to just setup simple architecture that took me 2 hours fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i need a hard scotch

But so satisfying now that i understand it.

You wrote about all these elaborate pranks, yet the old "bit of scotch tape under the mouse" gave me oh so many laughs. Also surprising how many people can't figure out what's wrong.

developers.google.cn is now available in China! Hopefully this helps the Android app situation here

!DEV

My mice stopped moving "efortlessly".

So I added a bit of scotch. Mice is working again very well and you don;t feel the drag !!

Yeah I should update my keyboard / mice, as they are in horrible state.

Just now I found out I have only 30 ml scotch at home for the night. FML.
"Tonight I don't have even that much of alcohol as I used to throw away in the washbasin"