I'm going for longest rant. TL:DR; version here:

http://pastebin.com/0Bp4jX9y

then:

http://pastebin.com/FfUiTzsh

Twat Client,

As per our conversation, here is an invoice for the work you requested on behalf of U.S. Bloom. I realize that you ended up going with another designer, but you did request samples of what my take on the logo design would be. The following line item is indicative of 1 hour of graphic design consultation as per your request via Skype.

As I recall, you mentioned that this is not how Upwork "works" but considering it was you who requested that I converse with you via Skype instead of via the Upwork messenger, and since there were no clear instructions on how to proceed with Upwork after our initial consultation, It is assumed that you were foregoing Upwork altogether to work with me directly, thus the invoice from me directly for my time involved in the project. I would have reached out to you via Skype, but it seems that you may have severed our connection there.

After spending a little time researching your company, I could not find current information for Basic Media Marketing, but I was able to reach out to your former partner Not A. Twat, who was more than helpful and suggested that he would encourage you to pay for the services rendered.

It is discouraging that you asked for my help and I delivered, but when I ask for compensation in return for my skills, you refused to pay and have now taken your site offline and removed me as a contact from Skype.

{[CLIENT of CLIENT]},

I am sorry that I have bothered you with this email. I copied you on it merely for transparency's sake. I am sure that your logo is great and I am sure whatever decision was made is awesome for your decision. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't getting "samples" of other people's work passed off as original work by Twat Media Marketing.

I can't speak for any of the other candidates, but since Twat asked me to conduct work with him via Skype rather than through Upwork, and since he's pretty much a ghost online now, (Site Offline, LinkedIn Removed or Blocked, and now Skype blocked as well) one has to think this was a hit and run to either crowdsource your logo inexpensively or pass off other artist's work as his own. That may not be the case, but from my perspective all signs are pointing to that scenario.

Here is a transcript. Some of his messages have been redacted.

As you can clearly see, requests and edits to the logo were being made from Jon to me, but he thinks it's a joke when I ask about invoicing and tries to pass it off as an interview. Do you see any interview questions in there? There were no questions about how long I have been designing, what are my rates, who have I done work for in the past, or examples of my previous work. There were none because he didn't need them at this point.

He'd already seen my proposal and my Behance.net portfolio as well as my rates on Upwork.com. This was a cut to the chase request for my ideas for your logo. It was not just ideas, but mock designs with criticism and approval awaiting. Not only that, but I only asked for an hour of compensation. After looking at the timestamps on our conversation, you can clearly see that I spent at least 3 hours corresponding with Twat on this project. That's three hours of work I could have spent on an honest paying customer.

I trust that TWATCLIENT will do the right thing. I just wanted you guys to know that I was in it to do the best design I could for you. I didn't know I was in it to waste three hours of my life in an "interview" I wasn't aware I was participating in.

Reply from ClientClient:

Hello Sir,
This message is very confusing?
We do not owe your company any money and have never worked with you before.
Therefore, I am going to disregard that invoice.

Reply from TWATCLIENT's boss via phone:

I have two problems with this. One I don't think your business practices are ethical, especially calling MY client directly and sending them an invoice.

Two why didn't you call or email Jon before copying my client on the email invoice?

Me: Probably because he's purposely avoiding me and I had no way to find him. I only got his email address today and that was from a WHOIS lookup.

Really, you don't think my business practices are ethical? What about slavery? Is that ethical? Is it ethical to pass of my designs to your client for critique, but not pay me for doing them?

... I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK!

My email follow up:

http://pastebin.com/hMYPGtxV

I got paid. The power of CCing the right combination of people is greater than most things on Earth.

I'm doing a migration where I have to move like 200+ old-old websites. Stuff was never touched for ages and we kinda moved it 'into the cloud' now.

So after a few sites I check graylog (where all the logs are stored) and I saw this gem:

stderr: PHP message: PHP Warning: file_get_contents(http://tinyurl.com/api-create.php/... Online Viagra/): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 400 Bad Request

And I was like, wtf? Is this site hacked?

Ok the sadness starts now. Behold the following:

function getTinyUrl($url) {
$tinyurl = file_get_contents("http://tinyurl.com/api-create.php/...);
return $tinyurl;
}

This function gets executed for the current link AND every dynamic href on the page.. EVERY pageload.

I was not even mad.