Me: *Applies for entry level full-stack job*

Recruiter: "Sorry, I can't hire you because you don't have the years of experience we're looking for. We can take you on as an intern! Unpaid of course, while we train you."🙂

Clueless Me: "Sure, why not."

*second day into the internship*

Boss: "I have this really big project, and I want you to be the lead. I'm going to be very vague about what I want, so you'll constantly have to make changes to user stories, wireframes, & database designs until I'm satisfied. Don't ask me any questions for clarity, because I'm busy 🙂"

Silly Me: "okay"

Boss: "Also, can you train all the other interns? You're so lucky! You'll get to pick the best to join your team" 🙂

Stupid Me: "okay"

Boss: *emails me a spreadsheet of 80 Front-End interns (freshmen and sophomores)*
"Did you start building the app yet?" 🙂

Me (Dummy): "You haven't approved the final wireframes ye-"

Boss: "And for the other interns' training, what did you have in mind?" 🙂

Me (Dumbass): "I made a training guide, they're already followi-"

Boss: "My project manager for this other project left, guess he couldn't handle the pressure of a real job... HAHAHAHA! You're gonna take the lead of that project, too!"
*Adds me to the slack group* 😁

Me (Imbecile): "Wha-"

Boss: "And we've been having trouble with keeping track of everyone's code. Is there something we can do instead of slacking code snippets back and forth?" 🤔😮

Me (Fucking Imbecile): "Wait, you guys are working on a project and you don't have any form of version control? Maybe we should take a few steps back and plan thi-"

Boss: "Are you gonna take initiative or not!?" 😡

Me (Enlightened): "I quit." 😑

Former Boss: "Too bad... I was going to offer you a paid role tomorrow morning. Oh well!" 😔

So, my broadband internet is not working. Naturally, i called my ISP and complained.
He enlightened me, "Turn on your TV and watch the news. Theres a deadly computer virus on the loose and it is affecting banks and businesses and everything. So we decided to help our customers by turning our services down for a few days."
What the actual fuck?
Its like to Not eat anything due to a bird flu.
Oh! and i have an exam tomorrow.
Thank you muggles.

Only one sticker.

I go door-to-door every Sunday, "Excuse me dear sir/madam, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Haskell?".

Most people slam the door shut in my face, but every lost family I convert to the way of the monad is worth it.

Even if they don't believe in the same deity, even if they express their love for the divine through something as misguided as Typescript or Swift or whatever, as long as they embrace the truth of strong types and composable code, as long as they at least read the gospel of the functional style once in their lives, have one enlightened moment where they see the glory of morphisms, it's all good.

"You claim you are a developer and don't know what firebase is? Pfft"

Words uttered by one of my classmates flexing on some 4th semester college inmates. I don't know what's more annoying his squeaky voice, the pretentiousness of using headphones as a necklace during class or that I was just like him when I was a freshman (minus the low hanging fruit flexing).

God fucking damn, I'm not even mad at his obnoxious pampered kid semblance, it's the irony of this enlightened fago falling into the god forsaken rat race. Why?

Because he hasn't been magnanimously disappointed by one of the most corrupt systems I've ever been witness of, yeah keep talking about firebase to the teacher who just nods pretending she knows what you are talking about.

I've had this same teacher before and your nice asynchronous ES6 express nosql solution will come last compared to all the WordPress templates she'll approve because they are pretty and all the time you invested, yeah, right into the crapper, seriously it would've been more satisfying to just masturbate everyday until Christmas break. I'm not pissed at him, annoyed by his semblance maybe, but I actually pitty him because the system will take a big shit on his face and he's just smiling.

Damn it, all these careers ruined by lazy ass professors who think leaving a shitload of diagrams as homework counts as teaching. And before any quirky brother interjects with "oh maybe your University is shit", "muh University verry gut u suk", you shut the fuck up! I know my university sucks even tho is "one of the best ones" by the corrupt media's standards, I'm here to vent about issues, real fucking issues happening in real corrupt systems, I'm taking about professors sexually abusing students, not going to classes, no centralized teaching systems, fucking chaos.

I'm happy for you if you feel good about the piece of paper you hang on your wall that certifies you as Bobby the guy who not only learned a shit load about computers, he also bent his ass so far for us and payed us so much money for it, it's funny he thinks himself as smart.

I know, I know, you went to an ivy league college, have a wonderful job and owe some money, good for you, some are not so lucky and I'll make sure those lazy asses who take advantage of the system lose their jobs.

I'm so sick of this shit we call "moodern educashion"

My coworker enlightened me with git stash. Just :woah:

So, today I asked my senior developer a query he took my laptop and changed the ide theme to black.

My doubts were solved, I am enlightened programmer now.

Master Foo and the Script Kiddie
(from the Rootless Root Unix Koans of Master Foo)

A stranger from the land of Woot came to Master Foo as he was eating the morning meal with his students.

“I hear y00 are very l33t,” he said. “Pl33z teach m3 all y00 know.”

Master Foo's students looked at each other, confused by the stranger's barbarous language. Master Foo just smiled and replied: “You wish to learn the Way of Unix?”

“I want to b3 a wizard hax0r,” the stranger replied, “and 0wn ever3one's b0xen.”

“I do not teach that Way,” replied Master Foo.

The stranger grew agitated. “D00d, y00 r nothing but a p0ser,” he said. “If y00 n00 anything, y00 wud t33ch m3.”

“There is a path,” said Master Foo, “that might bring you to wisdom.” The master scribbled an IP address on a piece of paper. “Cracking this box should pose you little difficulty, as its guardians are incompetent. Return and tell me what you find.”

The stranger bowed and left. Master Foo finished his meal.

Days passed, then months. The stranger was forgotten.

Years later, the stranger from the land of Woot returned.

“Damn you!” he said, “I cracked that box, and it was easy like you said. But I got busted by the FBI and thrown in jail.”

“Good,” said Master Foo. “You are ready for the next lesson.” He scribbled an IP address on another piece of paper and handed it to the stranger.

“Are you crazy?” the stranger yelled. “After what I've been through, I'm never going to break into a computer again!”

Master Foo smiled. “Here,” he said, “is the beginning of wisdom.”

On hearing this, the stranger was enlightened.

STOP FUCKING TYPING FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES YOU FUCKING TORTOISE FINGERED FUCK. I DO NOT WANT TO STARE AT MY CHAT WINDOW WAITING FOR YOUR FUCKING ENLIGHTENED OPINION ON WHICH FUCKING FOLDER TO PUT YOUR BUG IN.

So I went to the store earlier today and an autistic young lad gave me one of the best pieces of advice anyone has EVER given me.

“Don’t let the haters stare into your eyes 👀”.

It took me a few hours for it to sink in and I now understood what he meant.

I feel better, enlightened, much more in control since I heard that young lad tell me those wise words of wisdom.

PEASANT POOR MAN'S TECH
* Python
* Java
* JavaScript
* Vue
* Golang

ENLIGHTENED ELITE TECH
* C#
* Kotlin
* TypeScript
* React
* C++

Enlightened my colleague on the concept of JS promises, chaining of events, multiple deferrals...

Ah, his code is looking much readable already!

!rant
So my boss told me they will be interviewing applicants and he wants me to come with.

Reading posts here on devRant has enlightened me on what NOT to ask on interviews.

But what questions should i ask then?? Any tips for me? First time sitting on the other end of the table.

I am going to make a prediction. C++ and Rust will be pitted against each other in a political manner. C++ will be likened to far right and Rust will be likened to far left.

It won't make sense, but it will be used to try and make language choice some political garbage. Rather than technical merits. There is already a Boomers use C/C++ and enlightened programmers use Rust kind of thing going. End of prediction.

DARPA has decided there is a consensus of programmers saying C needs to be replaced by Rust or some bullshit. Whenever I see "consensus" I automatically read "we decided for you".

Learning these design patterns literally feels like I'm bending my brain into positions it never thought it could fold...
Shit fuckin hurts. I feel enlightened at the same time though 😟🙌

My old comments are a mood

At uni we have one study subject called OSs and we are doing stuff in win server 2016 and win10 half the semester and half semester in linux

Before those classes
Me: windows is not that bad guys why you so mean?
After:
Also me: oh... i get it now. Fuck windows

I can't believe I have been so blind all this time! For years I have unquestionably accepted the lies of corporations and governments around the world, but I have been enlightened and it is glorious!

So thank you, JavaScript, you magnificent beast - for informing me of the misinformation that has resided in the public consciousness for thousands of years!

It is not the year 2016, it is in fact only the year 116 - wake up sheeple!

I was working on an annoying bug in my genetic algorithm for about two hours when i realised it's late and decided to call it a night. Turned off my pc, shut everything down. Just as I was brushing my teeth I got enlightened by the code gods and suddenly i knew exactly how to fix the bug. Toothbrush in hand i booted the whole system again and successfully fixed it in 2 minutes.
Thank you code gods, i may now sleep in peace.

Who loves those moments when you have been doing one specific group of code to acheive a result only to find out 12 months later that there is a single command that can do it all for you?

Aaaah, my delighted daily dose of wonderfully not-written-by-me CSS I have to edit from time to time...

I always feel so enlightened after spending time in those files.

I just want to ask fellow Developers here, can you give me a reason why you have to adjust to standards given by frameworks and not to create your own framework because thats just recreating the wheel?

I want to be enlightened as sometimes i tend to be hesitant in learning new frameworks/languages because i find them over-complicating the process on creating an app/software.

What infrastructurial fuck / poor design happened that Tinder does not allow changing the profile nickname? Did some enlightened celestial cunt thought of using the nick as a primary key or what the fuck?

Learning to use logging in Python for an existing application.
🙇Feeling enlightened looking at the first log file output.

In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because I am enlightened by my intelligence.

Good day sires. I come to call out Android OS. I think Android OS is bad; it limits the freedom. We must call out Android OS it is our duty as software enlightened because the regular people cannot do it; they do not understand.

Rise up Android OS hater army 😡😡😡

Android bad. We will be heard

Using ReSharper is like becoming enlightened, or de-brainwashing oneself to see true reality. Of my entire dev team, I'm the only one who can see the fnords!

Unused identifiers, badly sorted modifiers, unused property setters, redundant `this`/namespace, redundant casts... Surely if they could see them too, such code would not survive!

My company is contracted by a pretty big one. Having worked with them for about two years now with good insight into what's going on here I'm crying fucking blood over the 110% crazy decisions (and greatly expensive) caused by incompetent people with decision making positions. Feeling enlightened about why so many IT projects fail...

So the enlightened souls that wrote the select I'm using decided it wasn't worth their time to expose an onOpen event...