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Too much stupid today..
Client: "Our server is almost full, fix it"
Me: "Okay, you can upgrade the VM, or I can see if theres anything that can be cleaned up?"
C: "Clean it up"
Me: *Finds 5 extra MySQL DB's that amount to 50-60GB in total*
Me: "Well I can remove some of your extra databases, and some of the local backups, as they're also backed up offsite. They're currently unused and dated back to the beginning of 2017, everything is out of date anyways."
C: "No"
Me: "Okay, is there a reason?"
C: "No"
Me: "Okay, so we'll upgrade the VM?"
C: "No"
Me: "I'm sorry, but those are really your two options"
C: "Just fix it"
...................
...................
...................
What in the ducking fuck !@#$#%?
If you're so fuggin smart, then why do they pay me?
I'm clearly stupid and unable to read your mind.21 -
The programmer and the interns part 3.
Many of you asked me to keep posting about the interns that I'm responsible for.
I had the intention but never had the time or the energy. Since the interns only kept doing stupid, unthinkable things and just filtering out the good ones is a task of its own.
Time has passed, some interns left us by their choice, others were fired (for obvious reasons). Some stayed loyal and were given permanent positions. New ones joined. I no longer am directly responsible for their wellbeing, yet, somehow I am still their tech-lead and the developer of their tools.
Without further delay,
Case 0:
New guy get's into the internship, has his LinkedIn title set to ‘HTML Technician’.
Didn’t know about the existence of HTML5.
Been building static web pages in the early 2000s. The kind with embedded, inline CSS.
Claims that he is about to finish an engineering degree (sadly I believe him).
Fails the entry level Linux test. Complains about the similarity of the answer options.
Fails the basic web-standars test because "they change so fast, but the foundation is HTML and it's rock-solid!".
Get's caught taking home onions and milk from the kitchen.
Is spotted eating in a restaurant under our offices in his day off. Thrice. He lives a 30 minute drive away and comes here on a bicycle or by bus.
Apparently didn't know that the scrolling wheel on the mouse is clickable.
Said that his PC experience is mostly from his PlayStation (PC = PlayCtation apparently).
Get's fired, says that he'll go to the press. Never does.
Case 1:
Yet another new intern. He seems very eager to learn and work, capable, even charismatic. Has an impressive CV.
Does nothing.
Learns from the "case 0" guy and spends time with him until he is fired.
Comes to work at 8:00 AM and immediately goes to sleep on an office puff. In front of everyone.
Keeps dining alone, without a notice, at different times, for hours. Sometimes brings food into the office and loudly eats it there.
On his evening shifts keeps disappearing for long periods of time. Apparently drinking in the nearby bars and hitting on girls.
Keeps bragging about his success with getting their numbers and rants about those who reject him.
For over a year he fails his final training test and remains a trainee, without the ability to work on a real case.
Not fired yet.
Case 2:
Company retreat. Beautiful, exotic views, warm sun beams, all inclusive package for everyone on a huge half-island.
Simon (he's still with us, now as a true engineer!) brings his MacBook to the beach in order to work and impress all others.
Everybody get's drunk and start throwing huge inflatable balls at each other. One hits his laptop and it immediately is flattened.
Upset Simon is going in circles and ranting about the situation, looking for a solution.
Loses his phone on the beach.
Takes his broken laptop with him while searching for the phone.
Dips the laptop in the river while drunkenly ducking in order to pick a clam.
Case 3:
Still company retreat.
Drunk intern makes out with an employee's drunk wife.
Huge verbal fight. The husband says that he files for a divorce. Intern get's fired.
Case 4:
Still company retreat.
Three interns each take an inflatable swimming mattress and drift with the current. Get found on the other side of the resort three hours later, with red skin and severely dehydrated.
Case 5:
Still company retreat.
The 'informally fired' intern gets drunk again, climbs through a window into a room and makes out with an employee's drunk wife.
Again, gets caught when the husband returns to find a locked door but can see them though the window.
Case 6:
Still company retreat.
We all get ferociously drunk and wander off to the unknown in search of more booze.
Everybody does something stupid and somebody finds Simon's phone.
Simon is lost.
Frenzied horde of drunks is roaming the half-island in search of ethanol and the lost comrade.
Simon's phone get's permanently lost.
Five people step on sea urchins but find that out only hours later and then are unable to walk.
The mob, now including more drunk people who joined voluntarily, finds the sexually active intern making out with the enraged employee's wife yet again.
Surprisingly Simon is found sleeping in a room nearby.24 -
Ok, rubber ducks are ducking helpful, but I moved to use actual ducks.
If you are currently stuck somewhere where your rubber-mate cannot help out, feel free to ask. I’ll forward.
14 -
*signs up for Skillshare*
> Sorry, your password is longer than our database's glory hole can handle.
> Please shorten your password cumload to only 64 characters at most, otherwise our database will be unhappy.
Motherf-...
Well, I've got a separate email address from my domain and a unique password for them. So shortening it and risking getting that account stolen by plaintext shit won't really matter, especially since I'm not adding payment details or anything.
*continues through the sign-up process for premium courses, with "no attachments, cancel anytime"*
> You need to provide a credit card to continue with our "free" premium trial.
Yeah fuck you too. I don't even have a credit card. It's quite uncommon in Europe, you know? We don't have magstripe shit that can go below 0 on ya.. well the former we still do but only for compatibility reasons. We mainly use chip technology (which leverages asymmetric cryptography, awesome!) that usually can't go much below 0 here nowadays. Debit cards, not credit cards.
Well, guess it's time to delete that account as well. So much for acquiring fucking knowledge from "experts". Guess I'll have to stick to reading wikis and doing my ducking-fu to select reliable sources, test them and acquire skills of my own. That's how I've done it for years, and that's how it's been working pretty fucking well for me. Unlike this deceptive security clusterfuck!14 -
Okay so about a year ago these FUKKING IDIOTS decides, against my recommendation, to do this quick-ugly-hack and ninja it into production.
I tell them its a FUCKING BAD idea that will blow up in a year or so...
But no, just go go go!!!!!!!
Now a year later, shit blew up badly. A total FUCKING derail. These new idiots asks me to "fix the problem", the same fucking problem I predicted and warned them about a year ago. So now i have to clean up their ducking mess because "Nobody else knows how to fix it".
What the FUCKING HELL do we pay them fuckkkers to do?!!
New idiots you ask? Yep, because 3 out of the 4 original fucktards already left the place in order to go and make some other new collegues lives fucking miserable.
FUCK YOU FUCKING MOOTHERFUUUKKKEEERRRRRSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!2 -
THERE HAS BEEN A SLIGHTLY BIG SPIDER IN MY ROOM SINCE YESTERDAY AND YESTERDAY IT DISAPPEARED THE LITERAL SECOND I FUCKING SAW IT IT DISAPPEARED. I SHIT YOU NOT IT JUST VANISHED. AND THIS SPIDER IS A BLACK FUCKER AND MY DESK, MONITORS, TV, HEADPHONES ARE ALL BLACK SO IVE BEEN REALLY PARANOID. AND JUST A FEW DUCKING MINUTES AGOI WAS WATCHING A VIDEO AND I FELT SOMETHING IN MY RIGHT HEADPHONE AND SLAM JAMMED MY EAR AND THREW THAT BITCH AS HARD AND AS FAST AS POSSIBLE TO THE POINT I HAD TO SIT THERE AND COLLECT MY THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND I DONT EVEN KNOW IF IT WAS EVEN THERE OR IF IT LEFT THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE IS SCREWING WITH ME I AM ONE STEP AWAY FROM JUST BUYING A GUN TO SHOOT THAT LITTLE FUCK31
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I try to explain my problems to my 6yo twins. It is just HILARIOUS to see their small faces going "huh. Did you tried using that spark thing to send your emails for you?".
Srsly, they give better advice than half the devs I work with. Rubber ducking be damned.6 -
SSD size 128GB
Windows 10: let's go and use 40 fucking GB for windows.old.
Like WTF, use 1/3 of my ducking storage for "I don't trust updating myself so here's a massive restore point"
Fuck you windows.14 -
Never again will I fucking work for anyone close to me! It's not fucking worth helping them.
Backstory is too long. Lets just say that they fucking expect too much as we're friends. Assuming that paying 10$ for your domain every year entitles me to work on every ducking detail of your website. Not to forget I gave this person an insane discount on the entire project.
I lost a friend or someone who I assumed was a friend15 -
I hate fucking searching for new job! But I hate my company also! And I hate autocomplete trying to suggest ducking! No I am never going to write fucking ducking!fuck!4
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My form of rubber ducking is starting to post a question on StackOverflow and realizing in the middle of typing the reason for the bug I've struggled with all day.2
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I'm a lead engineer, I design, I code, I debug, I test, I struggle, I deliver, I'm just a basic building block in my company, hardly involve in product roadmap planning. This is pretty clear in my LinkedIn profile. Jp Morgan recruiter called me for Vice president role. VP? Seriously? me skipping 4-5 levels, just with an interview process? Are you kidding me?
I asked her two times "...are you sure?", I lost my words, somehow gathered courage and asked, "what's the portfolio looks like, how many people will report to me?" Then she, calmly revealed that it's just an ic dev role and they name it that ways in their company.
What the actual ducking-duck-duckkk!
P.s. not sure about jpmc rest of the world but that's how it is in jp Morgan india.8 -
Today’s achievement: my phone didn’t autocorrect ‘fucking’ to ‘ducking’.
Clearly it’s as pissed off as I am about receiving shitty emails from the other team manager in my dept giving me and my team work to do and throwing us under the bus when he does jack shit all day except read BBC news and go on Facebook. On the odd occasion he does actually do work, it’s not good work, it’s riddled with bugs because he’s ‘too senior to need a code peer review’. Such a fucktard...
Oh, and the work he’s asked us to do technically sits in his team so I’ll be firing that straight back at him 😁
I’m all for being a team player and helping each other but I’m going to protect my team over helping someone. The gloves are about to come off....3 -
fucking hosting company...
Just got a ticket back explaining that "the settings you want to make to your mysql database aren't possible with our hosting products". While they state in their FAQ that there are no restrictions applied. (We are talking about to possibility of using JOIN here!)
Ducking fuck.11 -
*gets annoyed by how vi command in Ubuntu WSL points to vim*
To be clear, that's due to update-alternatives in Ubuntu, not WSL specifically.
*le me ducking how to install vi instead, because vim in WSL has scrolling issues*
"install vi ubuntu"
> How do I install and get started with vim/vi? - Ask Ubuntu
> apt - Vim installation in Ubuntu 14.04 - Ask Ubuntu
> Ubuntu Linux: Install vim Text Editor - nixCraft
-.- I'm not looking for vim ffs, I already have that installed.
"install vi ubuntu -vim"
> Same fucking results
"!g install vi ubuntu -vim"
> Installing the VI Perl Toolkit from Source Code—Linux - VMware
> FedoraDirectoryServerClientHowto - Community Help Wiki - Ubuntu …
> Learn How To Use Linux vi Editor And Its Commands - LinOxide
Oh for fuck's sake!!!
So here's my question because apparently search engines clearly can't point me to it, and Ubuntu doesn't seem to have vi as "vi" in their repositories either. Do our Canonical overlords allow people to actually make /usr/bin/vi actually be fucking vi?11 -
Eclipse, you lousy shit bitch of an ass hole - yeah I went there.
So I spent several hours today trying to get eclipse to:
1) just fucking launch without erroring out and crashing
2) actually work with a reasonable dark theme. (Yea right)
But no you hunk of shit, both of these seems nearly impossible for you. And just when I get you to work, the stupid fucking lack of syntax highlighting is just dreadful as fuck. If I didn’t have to use it for Salesforce development I sure as hell wouldn’t. -
@trogus it would be pretty rad to have an avatar option that would add a devRant sticker to a laptop.
btw: I love the Rubik's cube chillin with the rubber ducking debugger.
3 -
Le Mail: bla bla \n \n Sent from ...
Le me: I DONT DUCKING CARE!
WHO fucking thought that anyone‘d care ?15 -
Not a rant because life is fucking amazing... but..
I deleted my Facebook account. I can't fucking believe it. I have a bagazillion people following me and my booze fuled horseshit rants, photos of hamburgers and cats.
I fucking did it.
Ducking duck!6 -
Yay, now I know what that windows update was about... oh no, this isn't another "fuck windows, update broke shit again" post.
This is a "wtf, you dodgey shit bags" kind of post, "you" managed to install Skype, install this stupid ducking "meet now" service - which is fucking hidden (anyone have any pointers? Google's not doing its job yet), and now I have to uninstall office completely to remove Skype 🤦♂️
Why won't you fuckers let it go, didn't we ALL move to teams recently?5 -
VsCode.
I have been on a journey with editors, all the way back to using edit.exe in Windows 95, to notepad, MS FrontPage, Adobe Dreamweaver, PHPDesigner, vim, nano, then out to Eclipse, Atom, Brackets, notepad++, back to Atom, then VsCode.
And by far, vsCode has given me the most productivity and customisation of them all to not care about what project I open, what language it's written in, or what frameworks are working behind it. I can switch with workspaces and everything is setup to go, yes it's a pain in the ass to setup, but it's a ducking dream to just open and jump in.
Now being able to use VsCode for Salesforce has dropped any requirement for me to keep eclipse around.1 -
We have a long standing, transient, occasional error in our system that we haven't quite been able to (or have had the time to) pin down.
I was thinking out loud with our project lead what the cause could be, which - before I realized it - segwayed seamlessy into me being tasked with hotfixing it in order to unblock some other tasks that people expect to start working on tomorrow.
I think I'm starting to see why people use inanimate objects for rubber ducking instead of other devs. Here's hoping my theory checks out.2 -
Weeeell…
I have been in a team where every week they had this long and complex task of refactoring everything and changing lots of assets (~2 days of work every 2 weeks) cause the senior tards refused to use a script for it. Told them to use the goddamn backend or a script… the answer? “But that would take at least two days of work! Maybe even three! (As a one time job)” Math you ducking ducks! The second time you use it you are in a time profit!2 -
I am pulling my hair out on ducking low level stuff. This is why people (more importantly me!) should have the chance to learn, rather than assume how things work.
Has anyone of you detailed resources on how linking objects into shared libraries really works ? Especially Name Resolution. All those ducking tutorials and bloody blog post just have simple examples and explain shit not in detail!
Even ducking man pages on gcc/ld don’t help me out! Maybe I’m too dumb to type the right words into me search engine. I’d even love to read a bloody paper book.16 -
I’ve spent 2 weeks trying to simply automate logging into my damn school’s blackboard but this ducking popup won’t freaking let me access it. I’ve tried selenium. I’ve used beautifulsoup and requests. I’ve even tried a tool called mechanize with python
But I’ve now realized I simply have no damn idea what I’m doing. I’ve read and tried way too many stack overflow articles and I’m just sick of this damn popup
If I can’t figure it out by the end of the upcoming thanksgiving break I’m dropping this damn project until I learn enough to utilize the blackboard API’s. I’m a little sure those will help
16 -
If you're stuck with something and just cannot figure out where the issue is in your code, there is nothing that helps you more than talking the problem out with someone.
Most of the time you'll end up figuring out the solution yourself while describing the problem to him/her. =)2 -
While it's totally not without its valid use cases, I fucking hate pair programming.
Well, let me elaborate. I hate *remote* pair programming. It completely disrupts my flow and wastes so much time with additional water cooler nonsense, and pedantic argument for the sake of participation. Not to mention "oh hey let me see how you did this... Oh, you know what, I think it would be better to do it this way...". Ok, great, we weren't even discussing that, but sure, let's completely detail this session to refactor something that could have come up at a good transition point, like I dunno, say a code review?
Like I said, there are very good reasons to pair program, but I would much prefer rubber ducking wherever possible.2 -
I always feel like a fool when I accidentally rubber duck someone - at least when I do it on purpose I've warned them first! What often happens though is I ask a question I think I need the answer to and then make the connection while they're trying to help me5
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Docker with nginx-proxy and nginx-proxy-le (Lets Encrypt) is fucking awesome!
I only have to specify environment variables with email and host name when starting new containers with web servers, and the proxy containers will automatically make a proxy to the new container, and generate lets encrypt ssl certificates. I don’t have to lift a fucking finger, it is so ducking genius2 -
I started a company a while back that builds really simple wordpress sites and design for small businesses. I took a client on that needed things that were well above my skill level as a "programmer" and it's been equally frustrating and satisfying to consistently have the shit kicked out of me while spending hours trying to solve problem after problem. I've never worked for a company as a coder and one of the things I'm starting to wonder about is whether or not I'm "cut out" to be a programmer. I like doing it, but from a business owner perspective I don't know that I would actually want myself as an employee. My question is: does everyone feel like a ducking retard everyday they go at it with their job as a programmer?5
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Worst: forced to work for 9 months on a shitty wp theme:
- colleague with no clue trying to make me do their work… check
- incompetent manager doing shit about it… check
- idiotic pipeline requiring to redeploy for every asset update… check
- micromanaging cto which for some fucking reason didn’t want to allow access to the writers, forcing the role of content editor on the devs… ducking check! Quack!!
Best: automated lots of processes in my free time, all stuff which I can reuse! -
Am I the only one that is very neutral while learning a new language or framework or whatever it may be? Like cause you have to go through the basics and you’re basically stuck copying what the tutorial, book, video, whatever source tells you to do and the best you can FUCKING do is change a few things. I love learning new stuff don’t get me wrong I love adding tools to my arsenal.
I just don’t know what else I could try to do because it’s new ground but I want to acknowledge I’m learning it by making my own small basic program with what I’ve been showed but there’s not enough to do different stuff and I have to go back to the tutorials and copying and I feel like I’m learning NOTHING it’s just a annoying feeling for me personally idk if anyone feels the same. Am I crazy? Or am I just doing something wrong?
Also to clarify the all caps “FUCKING” was because my phone changed it to ducking and I wanted to make sure autocorrect knew I meant what I meant.5 -
Been struggling with an issue all weekend (it had to go to client today) with no solution and without understanding why it was returning the wrong values.
Arrive this morning to the office and team leader asks me about the issue and gives me a new one with higher priority, so I decide to pass my issue to a junior I work with.
While doing so and explaining everything he should look into, by some magic powers I found the reason for the issue
Thank the rubber ducking god!!! -
After months and months of waiting for the devRant mousepad to become available again in their store ... it turns out it's going to be ducking expensive to get that item (shipping costs as much as the product itself... and it could take 6 more weeks to arrive!) Came on, 1-6 weeks ... the variance of the estimation is huge ... I have lost the motivation :(
10 -
Put this as a comment but felt that it needed a post of its own.
I ducking love my fuck (see what I did there ;P) He my little coding buddy, I gave him a little back story and everything.
This is Francis (although he insists its Frankie) He transpecied (a duck in a penguins body) so he always has a "short-man complex" little attitude all the time (unless its because he never gets a word in before I figure out the bug myself =S )
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New update available on your phone...
Wait people to teste it before installing. It look stable, ok i will install it
After the update
Fucking shit the clock is on the left side 🤮 what the fuck is this shit android... The settings menu is now a ducking mess. The finger print scan is so slow i can cooke an egg before he unlock the phone. The multi tasking screen is like iphone and look like a garbedge. Some applications rushing running.3 -
People posting their (not so good) workstation. Post it if you code on 3 widescreens, 9 monitors, a gaming rig or if your debug duck is a ducking (pun (maybe)) dragon.
A laptop on a 10 inch table is pretty sad.2 -
Every time I see the word "duck" here, I wonder if it's autocorrect...
Stop debugging you motherduckers! -
This is why I sometimes hate freelance work. You do the stuff and when it's time to pay, ducking clients come up with stories4
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These god damn idiots!11!!
Why, for duck sake, php-fpm and xdebug are using the same standard port 9000?
There are thousands of different ducking ports you could choose from!
So each developer who wants to debug his php app served by php-fpm, has to adjust the port for xdebug on something like 9001 or 10000.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?!??
: /4 -
Today I spent almost an hour trying to figure out why something like this was not working....the solution?
Just declaring first the itemLabel attribute and then itemValue....WTF?!?! JSF can be powerfull...but some times it does not make any ducking sense.
2 -
Common Docker for Windows! Are you serious? What in heavens name could you do wrong to loose access to your own ducking database?! And as if that's not enough there comes the internet in the form of Google telling me that I'm the only idiot with this problem. Sure sure. Gnarf.5
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For once I actually read the discussion threads in Facebook about COVID all morning basically commenting saying "are you people stupid, use your ducking brains" but basically just said believe what u want...
But wow did I get pissed off... Probably even worse than my rants about my team...
So guess I finally understand the negative and divisive effects of social media now...1 -
What a mess ^^
From one moment to another unit-tests on my local machine stopped working.
There was a PHP fatal error, because of insufficient memory.
Actually, there was a ducking "unit"-test of a controller action "log".
This action returns the content of the projects log file...
Since this log file grew over the time, PHP tried to assert the response of the controller action which was sized about 400MB.
C'moooooon guys!
What were your thoughts behind this bullshit? ^^ -
Iterating over 50 rows of data with selenium takes 8-10 seconds according to System.currentTimeMillis() But opening the site itself takes 65-70 seconds by itself. Why is this site so damn slow even opening it normally it’s slow as fuck and headless mode doesn’t help much if at all
Doesn’t matter much since I can just sit and let it do it’s 4000 iterations but I really ducking hate that 60 seconds just to load the damn page3 -
That rabbit in my grandpa's left table drawer, in the home I grew at. I wanted to finally catch it, and kill it. I was bad with animals all along, especially this one. My grandpa died the year before I was born, and my grandma said we would've got along really well. So much to talk about, a scientist to an engineer. So, I travelled back, but my home somehow turned from a city stone-walled house into a half-soaked, decaying wooden one. I caught that rabbit though, but while I was holding it at its neck and twisting it, it somehow disappeared, distributed evenly as if I were twisting a crayon. I was trying to find it, but in that left drawer, among century-old pencils and that red liquid thermometer I played with as a kid, only a faded out, dusty duckling resided. I picked it up, and unlike the rabbit, it was paper, no, cigarette paper thin. It wasn't hostile. It wasn't trying to run away. It just turned from yellow to grey, feathers leaving my fingers covered in fine dust. I realized it will never die, dwelling and decaying there forever, happy.
I did my calculations, and I knew for a fact when and where the rabbit should've appeared. It was the middle drawer, not the left one. I opened it and looked in anticipation how something chewed through the bottom. I caught it, but it was no rabbit, it was an alive, rubber rat. The rubber was white turned grey, old, aged, dusty, probably Soviet. I poked the rat's eye with a pen rod, but the rat's body inflated a bit, leaving it invincible. It was mocking me.
Of the same white rubber, a ball appeared. I knew for a fact it was alive too, I felt the bones inside holding it. I found its lips, and was prying it open. The massive, dry mouth emerged, with a full set of human teeth, albeit wider and nastier ones. Huge eyes looked at me. It was alive, it was intelligent. It was my grandpa's personal financial assistant all along. It told me to leave the rat and the rabbit alone. He told me not to worry about the ducking, as it was in safe hands.
It made friends with my brother during the "blue age", when he was wearing thin, worn out rugs instead of clothes, tiny faded blue flowers on them, screaming and annoying my grandma he lived with in that room, not a single person other than the two in sight. The house was slowly submerging. The water was rising.2 -
Same conversation
Young woman
Probably not so much younger
Same profession
Same real profession
What they’re doing who the hell knows
Happy valley
Incapable of conversation
Capable but unwilling for some reason
Kind of provokes me
I want her to say how she really feels
She works instead
It’s all they ever do anywhere these days
And hence why everything is so ducking repetitive
Maybe should have fucked her heh
Would have at least gotten us alone long enough to switch up conversations18 -
$ python
>>> from package import app, db
Traceback:
ImportError: cannot import name db
WHY THE FUCK NOT YOU FUCKING CRETIN. JUST IMPORT THE MOTHERTRUCKING DATABASE SO I CAN IMPORT THE SHITTING MODELS, CREATE A TEST ACCOUNT THEN TELL THE CLIENT THAT IM ALMOST THERE DESPITE BEING THREE DUCKING WEEKS BEHIND MOTHERCUKING SCHEDULE.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHH.1
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