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I was a freshman in highschool when I encountered the book entitled "Teach Yourself Visual Basic 6 in 21 Days"
I loved that book so much that it took me 4 years to finish it.9 -
We must develop and test our code
...via VirtualBox...
...running Windows XP...
...using IE...
..with vanilla Javascript...
...help me...19 -
Client wants a beautiful webpage ASAP.
I just discovered the perfect CSS that will magically fix all of their problems:
body {
display : none ! important;
}
The best part is that its mobile friendly by default.
After all,
Simplicity is key 😉12 -
On Friday I deployed to a life site without going through code review or any testing whatsoever. I am now known around the office as 'Billy the Kid'.
6 -
So I have a crush on a co-worker, she is also a dev. She is very cute despite her simplicity. I really wanted to talk to her, but I can't start a normal conversation with her. My mind just goes haywire.
BUT, just in case she is also on devRant:
If you happen to be reading this, I am the guy seated opposite the other table, we are facing each other. I liked you ever since the company outing. You are very cool and I want to spend more time with you.
:)44 -
I just helped one of our cleaners get Internet since the management whitelisted devices that can get WiFi access.
I believe that anyone, regardless of position, must have equal access to the resources in this company.10 -
*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*
Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.
...
...
...
Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!4 -
Boss assigned me a task on Google Docs:
Boss: "Please remove this line"
Me: "What!? You're already there! How hard is it to fucking select the fucking sentence with your fucking touchpad and press the fucking delete key on your fucking keyboard!? Why assign me with such a fucking waste of time and fucking trivial task!?"14 -
The superpower to perform version control on reality. (Git)
Imagine this universe (the current branch), which is made up of a series of events (commits).
Having this ability to allows us to:
- undo events (git reset/git revert)
- reorder events (git rebase)
- transfer to another universe (git checkout)
- derive a new universe from current universe (git checkout -b)
- delete a universe (git branch -D)
- apply an event from another universe (git cherry-pick)
and my favorite:
- merge universes and their events (git merge)
we have to resolve conflicting events, of course.
What else? ;)8 -
Wish me luck guys I think this is it. I'm going to be financially set for real this time woohoo! Big thanks to my man billy
6 -
My professor once asked us to brainstorm a good topic for our IT seminar/workshop.
I suggested version control using Git.
She simply shrugged it off. She said she needed a topic that the class can use. WTF.1 -
Our html:
<input type="number"/>
Accepts only numbers, so far so good. Until QA files a bug:
"Numeric input accepts the letter 'e' "
Apparently 'e' is a valid because you can input something like '1e3' which fucking means '1000' !
Our team tried to argue with the QA that 'e' is valid because it simply means exponent but they argue a normal user would not know what an exponent means because they are not "mathematically inclined"
Part of me agrees with what the QA argues but then I think an average user who could use a fucking laptop or mobile will most certainly know what an exponent is.10 -
fujioaskl;f;asdfjkl
WHY THE FUCK DOES MY BOSS HAVE ME MOCKING FUCKING RECAPTCHA API RESPONSES? IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID
I CAN'T MOCK THE RECAPTCHA JS METHODS SO I HAVE TO MAKE VALID-LOOKING JSON RESPONSES AND I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE HOW ANY OF IT FUCKING WORKS
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED OF ME (okay, it isn't, but it's pretty damned close.) AND IT'S DURING MY BLOODY PERFORMANCE REVIEW.40 -
I can finally play the role of my adversaries:
I will be that Client who makes unreasonable deadlines and unrealistic demands.
Let us see how the A.I. devs can keep up with me ;)2 -
Interviewer:
Here is a pen and paper. Now code in front of me your answer from the preliminary exam.5 -
Guys try installing Termux. Its Linux for Android. It comes with its own version of Apt package manager. Using this opens up alot of possibilities ;)
10 -
So;dfjkhijasdfkjq;sdfhjkl;asdf
I copy a line from one spec (to create a user) and paste it in another spec. It works just dandy in the first, and throws MySQL missing column errors in the other.
Fucking what.
This codebase is full of shit like this. Things work in one place but not another, and it’s never obvious why. Tens of thousands of gotchas and quirks. The only way I can get an answer to things like these is to either beg my boss for an explanation, which I’m sure he’s long since tired of, or spend a full day (or more) wading through several rabbit holes filled with raw sewage.
I wasted two hours today trying to get a simple fucking factory to work. And you know what? I just gave up and used the existing admin user. Yeah it’s a bad idea, but it’s fucking good enough.
They can yell if they want.
I have no cares left.15 -
When you email your boss and his emails keep on reminding you how expensive his phone was.
"Sent from my iPhone"3 -
Project coordinator blames our team because client said we failed to "align" with other teams.
Coordinator.
Project. Coordinator.
What the actual fuck.2 -
So my teammate posted on our Slack channel:
^(?=.{1,254}$)(?=.{1,64}@)[-!#$%&‘*+\/0-9=?A-Z^_`a-z{|}~]+(\.[-!#$%&'*+\/0-9=?A-Z^_`a-z{|}~]+)*@[A-Za-z0-9]([A-Za-z0-9-]{0,61}[A-Za-z0-9])?(\.[A-Za-z0-9]([A-Za-z0-9-]{0,61}[A-Za-z0-9])?)*$
Then our manager asked him: "Are you swearing on Slack!?"
No sir, thats Regex.4 -
Overheard my boss speaking at the pantry.
He tells the sales to promote to potential buyers that our product will only take 2 days to setup but actually the dev team has been alloted 2 weeks.
How the in fuck could we deliver 2 weeks worth of effort in 2 days!? WTF boss. Fuck you, and your double chin. I am tired of your shit.2 -
I raise my middle finger:
- to the past developers of this 4 year old piece of garbage project that we are maintaining, who thought that using StringBuffers to construct html documents as a Http response as a good idea
- to the bosses and managers, who keeps on giving unreasonable deadlines yet passes accountability to others.
I gave you all a Linus Torvalds style fuck you!!
That is it, I decided to resign -
Product team having a proof of concept demo with client:
Sales to client: "Just for the record, we are not selling this to a rival company. Because we really want this technology exclusive to you"
Me (thinking to myself): "Oh really? We just had a demo with them last 2 weeks"
One of the core values of our company is Integrity, and I am not just seeing it. -
I’m conducting a train.
For testing, I tell the train to go to station C when someone requests station G. But when I request station G afterwards, it sends me to station H instead.
I never asked for this.6 -
!rant
Developers aren't just resources that you "utilize".
We are human beings with thoughts, aspirations, creativity, hopes and fears.
Your position doesn't make you entitled to treat others less.2 -
Client's API returns a very weird response that changes its structure depending on its content.
When a array field has more than 1 children it returns:
{
"field" : [
{ "name1" : "value1"},
{ "name2" : "value2"}
]
}
So far so good. However, the fuckery happens when it has 1 children:
{
"field" : { "name1" : "value1"}
}
WTF! So the client API can return either a JSON object or an array and we cant trust the specs they gave us.4 -
I realized I've need a hobby other than sitting in front of the computer all day.
What non-developer things do you love to do? :)39 -
1. Pre-sales to Client: We can develop 200 APIs with 10 developers in 9 months.
2. Client: Ok! Cool, its a deal.
-- Sprint starts --
3. Actual: We are 6 developers, commited (or sold out) to make 200 APIs in 9 months.
Fucking pre-sales.3 -
I wanted to contribute to open source but don't have the time due to a client project.
So what I did was develop an open source library, uploaded it as a public repo, then use that on our client project.
As a bonus, I can reuse that library for similar projects. Haha!2 -
from phone import Camera
from animals import Python
camera = Camera()
python = Python()
camera.take(python)
camera.showImage()
4 -
We (as new hires) had to add a fallback logic for input validation on every input element using only JSP and Spring controllers just because the client still uses IE6 and fucking disables Javascript!!5
-
So we are having lunch on a normal day when our boss announced that one of our clients are visiting and our boss is telling us to standby and act like we are working so that the clients will see us in action.
WTF!? Is this company *that* desperate!? Then they should hire actors not developers2 -
COO overcommited features to our client so now we have to do overtime until June so that we can save his ass.
Its his fault, why the fuck are we responsible for his incompetence.17 -
I got my first computer when I was in 3rd grade. I don't know yet how to search for web pages. What I would do is take a keyword/topic and prepend "http://www" and append ".com" to it.
So if I wanted to search for games I would type "http://www.games.com" on the URL.
Sometimes it works, most of the time I land on some familiar 'buy this domain' web page -
My current company. It's locker room talk 24/7
I am a man. I don't mind sex, but my colleagues, and my boss, are talking like Trump was talking to Billy Bush in that bus. I am contemplating complaining to HR, who happens to join them in mentally undressing women and other lewd conversations, or handing in my resignation15 -
Client wants a webapp where every label on all form inputs are configurable, even the fucking login form ("Login" and "Password" text)
They also want it to send emails where the message is configurable too (they can insert your own HTML)
so basically they want the entire fucking webapp to be configurable, all without requiring any code change.
I could use a "configurable" torture device right now.9 -
What the fucking fuck you bastard of an OS? Your fucking filthy "Copying" dialog box!
One of these days, I am gonna fuck you up in the ass so hard, you are gonna see Gates flying!
I am copying a file from CD in to my PC. At 97%, this shit hole of an OS says through it's fucking urine hole of a "Copying" dialog box: "An unexpected error is keeping you from copying this file. Try Again/Skip/Cancel"
Seriously?! It's 2018, and an unexpected error is keeping me from copying the file?! Where the fuck is your QA?
I, being an unreasonably optimistic human with this Billy fucker, click "Try Again".
What happens? You know very well what happens. This shit of an OS starts copying the file again! From 0%!
This is the second time, this bloody, filthy, fucking "Copying" dialog box has given me problems.
I am telling you, it's days are numbered in my PC. The countdown starts now.
.
.
.
It happened again! At fucking 97%! I just want to scream now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!7 -
Client: Hey guys! Let us start a bunch of projects that are all dependent on each other and expect them to deliver those on time.
Me: WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. -
Soooooo had 2 phone screenings with 2 different recruiters.
So all was going well with the first call until she asks me about certain technology, and I'm a little confused as to how she was working it, so I asked, "do you mean....?". And her reply was....,"I don't know, I guess. That's what's written down here." I seriously almost hung up the phone!! 🤣🤣🤣
The second one was worst! This genius had the bright idea to call me from...wait for it....HOME! I mean all I heard was brats in the background and they kept destructing her. She's like ," so how long have u been-- Billy! Get down off that, NOW! Sorry about that." I'm thinking, "what the hell?"(only seconds into the call) She continues, "So what's your favorite lang-I told u to get off that! Hold on..." phone goes silent.... "Hello, I'm so sorry...." Asked me more programing questions few seconds later..."I thought I told you-------" phone drops! At this point I'm trying to hold my laughter in. She gets back on. "Sorry, dropped my phone. Well, I think that's all the questions I had, did you have any for me?" "Really?" I'm thinking. "Nooooope" I say.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was having somewhat of a crappy day, I needed that.5 -
Sometimes your music app knows just the right song to play.
Story:
Production program was working (has been for a long time). But suddenly it starts failing. I spent a long ass time trying to see what went wrong.
Problem:
Security update on the server 🙃
Now I've got the client, his minions, and the users emailing me to fix this. But I didn't start this fire!
Song: We didn't start the fire, by Billy Joel -
I have nothing to play recently so I started playing old games.
Today I launched gta vice city on my old pc. Got more than 200 hours in that game during my childhood. Game from 2002 and I laughed when driving a car. It was so natural and fun. Michael Jackson singing Billy Jean and police chasing my ass when I’m trying to find a bribe in the city. That was fun.
For me most of today’s games can’t compete in gameplay mechanics with that game from 20 years ago.
Maybe we have better graphics but gaming fun got worse.
I think it’s cause most of games are made on commercial engines to save money and game studios focus on graphics cause it’s cheaper than paying software developer.
They focus on games to be competitive between players so ai got worse.
Big studio games became generic like movies, they don’t want you to have fun but they want to give you a story around by delivering lots of content in game, achievements, stars but the gameplay itself is bugged and meh.
They don’t focus on things people want to do but they focus on target groups. Most today’s big title games are meh cause they’re made by people who don’t play them.
They don’t play them cause they don’t have time cause of management that changes requirements cause they asked target groups and that would sell. Well if I play a game I’m not interested in story despite some basic stuff to keep the progress forward, if I wanted a big story I would watch a movie or tv show. I play games to explore, feel the world and have fun. I don’t need a linear deep story for that cause I’m in game so give me good gameplay so I can feel the world.
Most of classic game hits didn’t had tons of text and tons of stuff to do but they somehow wanted you to play more. Cause they were competitive between player and computer, the controls felt natural and while progressing you was eaten by the game mechanics more and more not by the story but by amount of stuff you could do as you progress or difficulty increase or enemies behavior change.
Now we’re getting all at once, mostly pointed and with detailed tutorial what you can do. There’s no explanation there’s no discovery what you can and what you can’t do at start. You get all and you decide to throw game away because the moment you launched it you got everything so you spent money just to get stuff you won’t play cause it’s meh and you go back to cs or other looter shooter to kill people cause you’re pissed off that the game was meh.
Well I’m glad I was a kid in 90s and 2000s cause I could enjoy gaming before it was targeted to broader public and become another shallow mass media industry that don’t give a fuck about gameplay cause they want to tell you so many things, they want you to know them cause they’re so important that they forgot that I can read a book and I came to play game to get a different feeling then reading book.
Modern games are like books filled with small stories and nice graphics where you can open it on every page and read a little piece of shitty crap.
Just take this piece and go to toilet so you can wipe your ass with that story and begin other one, look around, puke and go to toilet to take a dump again. I lost my hope to get something fresh or filled with nice gameplay from gaming industry. It’s dead.4 -
Looks like it's time to update the old CV... Christ have I really been here for 8 years.
It's been fun, the most fun time of my life but with new owners breathing on everything stuffs starting to fall to shit.
To use a SysOps analogy there are category 1 - critical warnings ringing in my ears.
I can accept a lot, but I'm genuinely concerned for the future of this place, and after trying to fix things for long enough to realise the new owners are the ones drilling the holes in the ship it's time to sink or swim, and I don't feel like sinking.
To quote billy Joel,
It seems such a waste of time
If that's what it's all about
Mama if that's movin' up
Then I'm movin' out1 -
PM pushed me to finish all of my tasks last friday because he told me we have a demo with the client this week. He even asked me to OT.
It is already fucking thursday and I am still waiting. I haven't heard any updates from our PM.
I feel pissed because I did my task crudely due to "imaginary deadlines" imposed by this son of a bitch PM. I could have written a better code if I have this week as the deadline instead.1 -
We are forced to work on weekends because the management and the project manager loves to kiss the ass of our clients. I was even scolded by working from home.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO SUFFER AND SHOULDER THEIR INCOMPETENCE IN MANAGING THIS FUCKING PROJECT.
Damnit. God Damnit.5 -
I can’t remember if I shared this cringe with you all or if I was too embarrassed by it, but…
In the spirit of giving, I gift you all this cringey parody song I recorded 3 years ago. “I Program in C”. Lyrics written by Chris Frederick on amiright.com, song parodied is I Go to Extremes by Billy Joel.
https://smule.com/recording/...
Happy holidays, friends.6 -
Funny how everything that seems like an almost general truth about the computer users is conditioned only but the phrase "..excepting Linux users" 🤔
No one randomly recommands operating systems ... excepting Linux users!
No one needs to know how to do <complicated hilly-billy technology> in order to use <generic simple software>!
It seems that we (the Linux users) are all rebels without a cause😅2 -
Our team (devs and QAs) have been doing a series of overtime work.
So, the company has provided us a place to sleep. Everyday, we would go to work at 10AM and then return to our place to rest at 12 midnight (sometimes at 2AM).
We've been doing this for a week now and we'll resume again tomorrow.
I already feel exhausted, and I was thinking of resigning after all of this mess was over.
However, I am having second thoughts. Since this is my first job, I have no point of comparison.
Perhaps a series of overtime like this one is normal? Is this type of work environment to be expected when being a developer? Or am I selling my self short and there are better options out there? What do you devs think?12 -
When your company expects you to manually change information in the production db by saying "hey, client Billy wants his stuff moved back to where it was"3
-
I really really want to change jobs and pursue being a game dev.
I am so tired of our company kissing our clients' asses, out of fear they might leave, making the developer work an extra mile without the appropriate salary for the extra work, which now I realize why we have alot of sh*ty projects.
I think there is a clear line between customer service and being suckups.
:(4 -
Found parody lyrics written by Chris Frederick entitled “I Program In C” to the tune of Billy Joel’s “I Go To Extremes” and felt like there should be a sung version of it out there... so here ye be: https://smule.com/p/...6
-
If our company wants to outsource us to other clients then why don't we just resign and directly work there instead!!!!
Seriously we apply here as developers not consultants/analysts/researchers2 -
I am not even at our office yet the PM already sent us multiple emails asking us to do trivial stuff like update excel sheets, file reports, etc... WTF!? Can't you fucking wait till I get to work!?1
-
Accidentally ran
$ git reset --hard
On my 2 weeks worth of uncommited code.
Thankfully Intellij has a local history. 😥7 -
Development planning:
Expectation:
Gather the requirements then estimate the deadline.
What are clients did:
Here is the deadline, then here are the requirements that we must squeeze into it.1 -
Project manager asked me to directly communicate with our client.
BUT, he told me what to say and what not to say.
BULLSHIT! All of these business "etiquettes" and formalities are just a waste of time for both the clients and us.
If only I could, I would simply cut all these nonsense and just communicate honestly.2 -
What is easy to code at the moment isnt necessarily the best code in the long run.
- From the dev currently maintaining spaghetties of spaghetti code -
I have a biased, opinionated favoritism towards project managers who can symphatize with their developers.1
-
Playing video games on my PS1 when I was a kid inspired me to explore programming 😎
When I learned how Gameshark works I was blown away! -
!dev
Since Robert Patterson will be the next Batman, why not cast Taylor Lautner as Jason Todd, Kristen Stewart as Barbara Gordon and Billy Burke as Jim Gordon.
If you do this, you better go the whole nine yards.2 -
True story: We had once a project where the manager tells the client we are using the Waterfall but internally the devs are actually doing Agile. >_<1
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