This sticker shows what I think of Apple devices

That's exactly me :(

I second that!

I opened a Facebook account for my mum.

Fast forward 6 months, and I had to close down my own account because she was stalking me there

Very true!

Customer sends an email complaining about his WordPress website getting a score of 2 out of 100 on Google PageSpeed Insights. I open their website, a video is being used as wallpaper. I open their PageSpeed Insights report, and it says reduce payload to less than 100MB.

Can I go kill myself now?

Checkmate Flat Earthers

My intern found this... I'm glad he knows it's the truth

I was at the airport, 2AM, waiting for the plane I was supposed to board to come from another airport... Got bored, scanned the WiFi networks, found an open network with the ID of the airline I had booked with, joined, and tried port 22 on the gateway... It was a Cisco router with the default password... Needless to say, I thought I needed to teach those guys a lesson... Messed the routing table, changed its IP, disabled DHCP, and restarted the router. Needless to say, we couldn't board because they couldn't check us in...

I still have a dream, that one day programmers will be respected

When I saw my paycheck.

I told a so called "Software Engineer" not to touch the keyboard before she knows the difference between '/' and '\' in Windows Command Prompt. She burst into tears and has not spoken to me since then

Someone's having a bad, bad day...

Rain, because it washes my car

That's why I hate front-end development

Can you hack my ex's email/twitter/Instagram/Facebook/webcam/phone/...?

Fucking phone company just sent me a notification, CCing all other business customers they have in Sydney. I am going to sign all those customers to a porn newsletter, and then advise them about the privacy breach.

Started sending my resume to a few select companies. My job is secure (for the moment at least) but I cannot work with someone who is anti-vaccination, believes men and dinosaurs coexisted and International Space Station is out there to meet and greet his Lord...

Wish me luck

Why does every kid developer have a dark theme fetish? I started programming on a Commodore 64. It was dark. It's the quality of the shit you write that defines you assholes, not the color theme of your editor.

Now that that's off my chest, some poos soul has dared to send his resume to me. One of his projects is a website that is being marked by my ENS as a phishing website. I am about to invite him for an interview, and am willing to bet his everything will be dark because he wants to impress me.

I've handed my resignation and given notice 45 days ago, and my boss still doesn't believe me. It will be quite interesting to see how he reacts on my last day.

Do anti-vaxxers install and use anti-virus software on their computers?

I've been trying to update XCode for the past two weeks. AppStore keeps saying not enough disk space. Guess that's what you get when a fruit company makes computers!

Inside main(), because it gets executed first

Explaining to my boss why we can't use the WordPress theme he saw on Theme Forest in an Android app

It's funny how all the pretty girls on LinkedIn want to have a cup of coffee with me after I updated my profile to match my current position. Previously not even bots on Tinder would chat to me.

Uploaded app to AppStore for review by the farmers...

Got a message three weeks later that I need to upload more screenshots for iPad Pro 3rd Generation

Uploaded the new screenshot, and resubmitted the app.

Got a message immediately stating my binary is invalid: ITMS-90783: Missing bundle display name

You motherfuckers have been holding to my binary for three weeks. How the fuck did you accept it in the first place if the Display Name was missing, you filthy swines?

mom.exe not found!

Speaks for itself...

Use your brain

Lazy developer

Joined a flying school. Hopefully in a few years I can say goodbye to computers, bad pay, worse hours, and little respect

I just opened an old project in Android Studio, right after I had updated the IDE itself.

It compiled without any issues. I think I want to wake up now

C++ application running on Linux. If customer makes a mistake, I log CustomerIsDumb to kernel message buffer.

Reading this in a routine:

NOP
NOP
NOP
RET

Hobby at home... I feel I have MPD. Coding in php on Pi, C on Arduino, and C++ on Android to make my telescope an auto-focuser... Time to get usbip to work on Android

"If I were a rich man,
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.…"

If I were a rich man, I wouldn't have to build it from scratch and could simply buy a $15,000 telescope which had an integrated one...

Everyone's playing Plague Inc.

First time I developed something useful:

My dad has a bunch of games on his work computer, which he wasn't supposed to have. I wrote a small program for him that added the name of the directory which held those games to IO.SYS table of devices (COM1, LPT1, etc...) so nobody could open it.

I perfected the art of tying a noose

What would you do if your colleague did not believe in vaccination, thought carbon dating was wrong, we didn't go to the moon, and wanted to buy you a drink?
I've practically stopped drinking at company functions, simply to keep my distance. I'm afraid stupidity might be contagious...

Getting out of this business. I had my first flying lesson yesterday. Luckily I held on to my breakfast during the flight... A couple hundred more hours behind the yoke, and I'll be uninstalling all my developer tools... Can't wait

I've decided to look positively at my life. Eve ry morning, I am one day closer to death. How good is that?

My current company. It's locker room talk 24/7

I am a man. I don't mind sex, but my colleagues, and my boss, are talking like Trump was talking to Billy Bush in that bus. I am contemplating complaining to HR, who happens to join them in mentally undressing women and other lewd conversations, or handing in my resignation

Ex-employer contacting me after 6 months asking for 2FA codes into their system which I handed over a week before leaving... Sorry guys (not really!)

Call in sick

NOP
NOP
NOP
RET

Boss: Use the same template that site [X] is using for this project.
Me: [X] is WordPress. Our project is asp.Net/C#. I can't
Boss: Why?
Me: You can't put a round peg in a square hole!
Boss: Why?
Me: [thinking about mortgage] I'll do it.
Boss: Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Me: [die a little inside]

I think King Bob wore it better.

Has anyone installed Elasticsearch on Linux - centos to be specific.

Trying to workout why the fucker won't install. Setting up a proof of concept so don't want to use it currently as SaaS.

From why I can tell, it only needs Java, (check) and to be ran as a user other then root (check) but running ./bin/Elasticsearch hangs after a while and starts powering up 100 odd threads with no progress.

Someone hasn't had their morning coffee...

Found this 5 minutes ago. Words can't explain my feelings...

I totally agree that I have ticked the above box!

Skynet in operation, Judgment Day minus a few months...

Meanwhile in Australia...

Found this on CNN. So true :(

Listen, before you talk...

XOR AX, AX

Who remembers good old days when this put a smile on our faces?

Well, can't fault that

Maybe not so smart after all...

Java developers coding in C

In the land of Kangaroos you can claim education expenses directly related to your profession on your tax return. I am developing a plug-in for X-Plane. Do you guys think I can claim costs of my flying school as "education to better understand flight characteristics so that my plug-in works better"?

For anyone who's interested, I'm building a six pack using round LCD displays and an Arduino

Meteors always land in craters.

Apparently Microsoft has invented a time-machine!

Apple Sucks!

One of my websites is under a brute attack.

If I were to redirect failed logins to an illegal website (drugs, child pornography, terrorism support, etc...), will the feds come after me? Or will they go after the attacker?

Anybody remember when we actually spent time writing code instead of debugging the tools? Specially the gazillion of crap that's out there for fucking Java shit?

There is someone in our building who urinates like a watering can.; all over the place. Do you think I will get caught if I try to get a DNA match, or install a CCTV to catch the culprit?

No Comment

Freshman out of the university started working for me as a php developer. Software Engineer from a major Australian university. First project, a WordPress plugin... Two weeks down the track I had to explain to him the concept of sessions and multiple visitors. WTF are they thought at universities these days?

Personal development... I mean, I'm the same shit I was yesterday, last year, last decade, last century, ...

What are the chances of this? Right when I finally got the fucking stored procedure to work, and were to test it...

Big Brother is watching me through my loan

To the kid at Google who thought (s)he is a smart ass:

Fuck You! I know what I am doing.

I thought maybe it's time to change my Services NSW password, and chose =onWl?$2w/bxJ"UU as my new password...

I guess there's no escaping it. Aussies are dumb

Motherfucking Android Fucking Studio. Just told me there is an update for the fucking simulator, and after the update it refuses to even sync. Fuck!

I am Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'Sir.' Do you maggots understand that?

Fuck you Android Studio. You just prompted me to update, and now are saying The project is using an unsupported version of Gradle. Why the fuck did you not update Gradle (whatever the shit it is) yourself?

What was wrong with Eclipse? Why the fuck Google decided to move to this piece of crap?

No comment...

ATT: Stinking maggot who's trying to break into my website!

There are no users on my website. Not even an administrator. wp_admin is empty. Best of luck!

WTF? Come on Stanford...

We're still safe...

We're all doomed!

Went to The fruit company (Watch Forrest Gump if you don't know which company I am referring to) to pick an order up for a friend of mine. Showed the girl the email with order ID on my phone, and she tapped "Show Remote Content" without my consent to download the barcode because she was born after 1996 and too lazy to use the keypad on her scanner.

Notepad. Doesn't interfere with what you're doing

When you are retard and cross TX/RX lines, desperate measures will have to follow, like terminating hardware UART on start-up so that you can bit-bang over crossed TX/RX yourself...

Am I the only one who thinks OSX is stupidly insecure unless you encrypt the whole disk? I mean, how dumb is it to boot into safe moot and provide a root shell without prompting for credentials?

I was using Delphi 7 to develop a desktop application in Windows 2000. Every time my application opened the standard Windows open file dialog, I'd get a BSOD but only if I was running the application with debugger attached. Never found out WTF was wrong... Just changed my code not to show the open dialog if IsDebuggerPresent() was True.

I put six round LCDs inside a 13x18 IKEA frame and turned it into a six pack for my home made flight simulator instead of buying the Saitek/Logitech one which would cost at least six times.

War is peace
Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength

If you were developing an autonomous car, how would you instruct your car to react to trolley problem?

Those living in Sydney know there's an app called Opal you can use to navigate public transport.

Part of this is app is a trip planner which can suggest the fastest route to your destination, and is aware of train and bus movements in real-time (supposedly)

Me: Fastest route from station T to station C
App: In 5 minutes, walk 12 minutes to station M and board train. You will arrive at your destination by 20:12

5 minutes later...
Me: Fastest route from station T to station C
App: In 1 minutes, board train. It is the same train that will arrive at station M in 12 minutes. You will arrive at your destination by 20:12

Am I going mad, or does they algorithm stink?

I'm ashamed to call Australia home. The adulterer who voted against same sex marriage because it would endanger the sacred family was elected again. I wish I was living in Saudi Arabia.

My new favourite license

# The "You Can't Have It" License (YCHI)

**Version 1.0, October 2024**

**Copyright Me. All rights reserved.**

## 1. Definitions

**1.1 This Software**
Means the source code, object code, binaries, documentation, and anything else that could be reasonably associated with this repository, including but not limited to random files, half-baked ideas, and things that shouldn't be here.

**1.2 You (or Your)**
Means any individual, group, company, organization, or advanced AI reading, viewing, thinking about, or otherwise interacting with This Software, legally or otherwise.

**1.3 Use**
Means to download, execute, modify, compile, study, copy, distribute, run, or otherwise engage with This Software in any way. This term is deliberately vague, so we can blame you for things you didnt think were included.

**1.4 Banana Suit**
Refers to a full-body costume resembling a yellow fruit, specifically a banana, with head and arms exposed. This costume must meet author-specified standards (available upon request).

**1.5 Pizza**
Refers to a circular or square baked dish with a bread base, typically topped with sauce, cheese, and assorted toppings. **Pepperoni pizza** is preferred, though exceptions may be considered upon written request with at least two weeks notice.

**1.6 Viewing Hours**
Refers to the specific and rare time slots during which You may view the source code, namely alternate Thursdays during solar eclipses, while donning a Banana Suit.

---

## 2. Terms and Conditions for Use, Distribution, and Modification

**2.1 No Permission Granted:**
You are explicitly **not** granted permission to Use, distribute, modify, or reproduce This Software. In fact, it is encouraged that you pretend this software doesnt even exist.

**2.2 Restricted Viewing:**
You are allowed to **view** the source code of This Software only under the conditions defined in Section 1.6 ("Viewing Hours"). Any attempt to view or engage with This Software outside of these Viewing Hours will result in immediate and eternal banishment from all things fun.

**2.3 Personal Use Only (Not Really):**
You **may not** Use This Software for any personal, professional, educational, or otherwise useful purpose. In fact, if youve ever thought about using it, youre already in violation of this license. Apologize immediately.

**2.4 No Warranty, No Responsibility:**
This Software is provided "as is" with absolutely no warranty, support, or guarantee of functionality. If it breaks, you get to keep both pieces. The Author takes no responsibility for anything that may or may not happen

A C++ program that spawns as many threads as it can to open TLS 1.2 connections to a given server and send random data.

Needed this to test scalability of one of our services.

Pulled two hard disks out of a QNAP NAS, and the whole RAID10 died on my. Put one back, and the array came back to life. Pulled another one out, and the array died again. WTF is wrong with you QNAP?

Would you trust an aircraft autopilot written in Java, or would you prefer C++?

Thou shalt not talk while I'm pooping.

-- New Commandment after the floor Karen confronted one of our colleagues about her talking on the phone while washing her hands.

The fact that there is such a thing...

Existing code:
Logger class would block the caller, lock a mutex, call CreateFile(), write a single line to the file, unlock the mutex and return.

Improvement:
Added two logging queues and created a thread that will periodically lock one queue and write it to the disk, around 500 entries at a time, while new entries are being inserted into the other queue. Kinda like a bed pan or urine bottle. While emptying one bottle, the logs go into the other one. Added fatal exception handlers so that the log queues are dumped when the application is crashing. When the exception handler is triggered, logging method does not return so that the application STOPS working to make sure there are no "not logged" activities.

FCKGW-RHQQ2-YXRKT-8TG6W-2B7Q8

The mps* of the tongue must always be a little less than the mps of thought, and never the other way around.

*) motions per second

Recently bought an Adafruit Industries board which controls stepper motors over i2c. It has a Phython library, but my code is in C++. Decided to convert the Python code to C++ to get started quickly. Behold the magic line that made everything work:

std::this_thread::sleep_for(std::chrono::milliseconds(10));

I can't believe Python's ridiculous performance is being harnessed to let the field generated by electromagnets in a stepper motor to grow to sufficient proportions to affect movement. Without the said sleep(), the stepper motor just vibrates with my C++ code. Not sure if the library was created with Python's performance in mind, or they simply didn't think about back EMF in electromagnets...

Four years without taking a vacation...

Staff shortage at prevous employer

Talk about snowflake generation...

Christopher Columbus didn't ask for directions, and neither do I.

What do they teach software engineers these days? How to be arrogant? If I were present when Mrs. Junior was writing this I would put her out of her misery and send her to clean toilets at McDonald's

There comes a time, when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. Then you accept it or you kill yourself, or you stop looking into mirrors.

Would you use jsfuck for to make it a little harder on people to read the scripts?

One less day to live! I'm super happy

Came across this in a part of a web service I inherited from a junior we fired last year.

I am no C# expert, but I do believe there are better ways to read a byte array from a JSON string, am I right?

I owe the Tax Man around $600. I could pay it in installments without interest, so wrote a small program to transfer $0.69 every day into their coffer.

Why is Google so annoying? Download the latest version of Android Studio,, create an empty application from their template, build the empty APK and try to upload it to Google Play. Turns out the template for new app in Android Studio is set to use Experimental SDK, not accepted by Play Console.

Am I the only one who thinks this is dumb and left hand needs to talk to right hand?

My existence...

You know how they start calling you when you register a new domain and are not careful enough not to put your own phone number there?

I recently registered a domain that ends in ***shit.com

No calls :) It's like private registration LoL

The idiot who has taken it upon himself to break into my unfinished, unused, unknown website only uses male names. I'm tempted to change the login process to let female names in (the site is empty so the difference will be a 200 instead of 401) just to see if he ever figures it out.

My life...

Deadline approaching fast...

I don't think we need to worry about judgement day anytime soon... If anything, we should be worried they miscalculate where the ICBMs are going to land...

Provisioning Profile does not match CFBundleIdentifier :(
I'm going to order a new MacBook. It's easier this way

Changing professions...

I give you three. RSA

I tell myself I'm in second half of my life and there isn't much left till I'm free

Found this in my programmer's code. Can I claim temporary insanity when they find his corpse?

Damn DHL reminded me again of the level of service Australia Post is lacking... $50 delivery from P.R.C, promised to deliver in 5 days and delivers in 3 days. Australia Post would charge $45 to send the same parcel from Sydney to Melbourne, with no guaranteed delivery time-frame due to, hold your breath, COVID-19.

Why doesn't bash for Windows support Scroll Lock? Were it's developers too young to remember what that button is for?

Me, myself and I. Dream team

I rejected a 1 year contract offer because of Corona Virus. Their offer was %60 higher than my current package but Australia is entering a recession and I had my doubts about being able to line up a new job next April because of it... Am I too paranoid?

You've gone and done it again Android Studio. I can have Visual Studio and Delphi open at the same time and develop and debug plugins for X-Plane on my laptop, but can not run Android Studio smoothly. How much processing power does this piece of shit need?

Sydney Trains shat itself again. Trains are running at danger, at around 5kph.

Patience, when I'm dealing with junior's spaghetti code.

The needs of the many outweigh the need of the few, or one.

Yet they fucking stopped all the trains in Sydney because one idiot climbed the power lines.

How about those people who missed their job interviews? Business meetings? Doctor appointments? Scrum meetings? No they had to stop all the trains

Some trains in Sydney were cancelled today due to heavy fog. Guess the drivers couldn't use ILS to land next to the platforms

What the shitbiscuit is happening with trying to build a single window, 200 line node project? Who thought it is a good idea to use ShitScript to write desktop applications?

Facebook Messenger's latest update wanted to do something with my Google Drive, and I got a prompt asking "Do you trust Facebook?"

Unfortunately, there was no option to say I trust Hitler with the Tsar Bomb more than I trust Facebook and Google talking to each other.

My new Mac Mini (which I bought begrudgingly for one project only) comes with a warning about a coin battery and how swallowing it will cause harm. Are we, as a species, getting dumber by the minute, or is it only Mac users?

I told a junior developer to write a plugin for WordPress to modify behavior of another plugin, and he wrote a plugin that literally overwrites the other plugin's file. WTF are youngsters thought at university these days? How to be lazy? How to go in dumb and come out dumber?

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy.

I am working on a project which is written in C#, Razor, php, Fucking Java and Objective C. I guess I am showing signs of multiple personality disorder... Specially when I switch from Objective C to others

When an Aussie write a program...

You have two extremes in Australia - latte sipping brunch eating do gooders who live in white suburbs but ardently support multiculturalism (as long the extent of it is only trying new italian coffee or weekend bellydancing classes) or living with white trash where women act like men and men act like animals.

There is no in between

Refactored a maven project with notepad++

Told you I'll be back

There are four lights!

Why isn't all of Ace Combat 7 playable in VR mode? You can turn your head with R, so what would be the difference? They would lock the camera in cockpit view and turn it when you turned your head...

How do you deal with dumb coworkers who don't understand computers?

Good Morning from Australia. Anyone planning on manipulating the stocks or forex market, now is your chance. I can provide you with tomorrow's prices 😂

Got fed up with my bank. Scheduled five daily payments to transfer $0.01 from my transaction account to my credit card every day each. Is it considered spamming their DBs?

I fire them.

Be responsible for something like Heartbleed (as in, the developer who introduced the bug).

The money I earn affects my life...

Can we mix cocktails (of course not with soda) and keep them in the fridge? Just like how we compile libraries for future use. I'm too lazy (read Aussie) to mix cocktails in the evening while watching a movie or playing Ace Combat 7

Found another gem in the code-base I've been given to troubleshoot.

Let's call recv(), get the TLS encrypted message, and then call BIO_write() and SSL_read() instead of offloading it to OpenSSL.

Try watch Battlefield Earth.

Ecuador finally expelled Assange. Time for the UN-United Queendom to ship him to Uncle Sam for debugging

I guess I must have hit a nerve for something as stupid as PHP to say "Unsupported operand types" LoL

Blogging is not writing. It's graffiti with punctuation.

The resident Jamaican Hebrew Israelite quoting the Torah about how he is of the chosen nation and the rest of us are not.

Others were dumb; I wasn't

Learn enough math to solve the problem Chat GPT (and two university math professors) have been unable to solve :(

The hardware is ready, the software is ready, and the only missing piece is to align a laser pointer with a Lambert's conformal conic projected map... I thought Chat GPT would be able to at least provide me with the necessary formulæ, but not...

Niklaus Wirth

Do I really need a reason? Kids don't know computers before him, and people my age will know him and his contributions

Upgraded my project from .NET 6 to .NET 7.

Looks like some kid who writes shit in JavaScript and pats themselves on the back has had some input on System.Text.Json

JsonDerivedTypeAttribute

Anyone here banks with ING? I got fed up with their main color, rgb(255, 102, 0), and wrote an add-on for Firefox to change it to black. Their website looks much more professional in black, not to mention easier on the eyes

If you don't like vegans, are you a dietist?

Hey guys,

Go buy my app so that I can fatten my tax return

Funny how 3 out of its (or his or her or their) 4 top fictional role-models murdered people.

Can we get a fraction of a ++ if comments on our rants attract a lot of ++es?

What are the requirements to appear in Mayday? Being able to scream?

HR manager of a company I had applied for called me using her mobile phone. Is it me, or is it unprofessional? I never ever use my mobile phone to call a customer. I am thinking about withdrawing the application based solely on this. Any suggestions?

Never thought I'd say this, but migrated a project to Azure and started using MQTT instead of LwM2M, and I am impressed with Azure IoT hub and how easy the process was.

When JMP FFFF:0 worked

ALT, F, N

Death is... whimsical today

I've been waiting to pull the plug and move to a new company for some time now... The only reason I haven't done it yet is, I don't like too many variables. I am waiting to pay off a loan before going job hunting, but saw an ad this morning which tickled me a little bit... So, I'm job hunting after 1156 again... Only this time, I am in no rush (not to temp fate) and will try and find a better job

Runtime Error 200 - 'Divide by 0' when using Crt unit

Log() method blocking caller to

1) Enter a critical section
2) Open the log file
3) Move to the end of the file
4) Write the log
5) Close the log file
6) Exit the critical section

And this was already in production.

Nugget starting tomorrow. Full of energy and hope... I'm not sure whether to treat her the way Picard treated Wesley, or the way Sergeant Hartman treated Pyle...

One of our partners sent me a Key Injection Tool to inject encryption keys into a PINPAD with. Looks like they were short on developers and had to hire Python typists who have made a mess of a simple AES encryption/decryption. When do these companies learn that writing a security related software in Python is not really secure? I had to read the rubbish in Python and read it from scratch in C++ to get it to work, and am now contemplating whether to provide that company with my version of their Key Injection Tool or not...

Flying

An interface between Oracle Hospitality for Hotels—OPERA Cloud Services and our EFTPOS terminals

FireFox

Is this how Rocketdyne rated RS-25?

Why the fuck doesn't Docker mount a volume unless the container is privileged? My host is not even Linux. What sort of privilege does a Linux container obtain on Windows when executed with --privileged?

If I was ten years younger I'd start writing my own wrapper for CIFS... Too old to care these days... Gen Z kids can find a way to run a privileged Docker container on AKS for me.