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Client: Can I speak to the developer responsible for my website?
Developer: Speaking...
Client: You have a deep voice for a 5 year old.12 -
"This is not an application: it's a bug pretending to be an application." (This comment was left as an app review on Google Play Store)3
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If you see someone coding at mcdonalds, starbucks etc.
"Excuse me, would you like a fork for that spaghetti"14 -
Boss: I saw your last commit, great work!
Dev: But... You told me to delete all the features I added...
Boss: Yes, fantastic improvements!7 -
Coworker in my team recently said to boss:
"Thanks, this conversation with you has taught me so much about single-threaded blocking I/O"
Some random PR comments from our company's repository:
"Are you insured? I hope you are insured"
"Learning git is not that difficult. You only need one command: git reset --hard"
*Link to amazon for dog poop bags*
"Please clean up your shit, before I step in it"
"Have you thought about a career in sales? At least there you might sell your bullshit"2 -
I prefer silent kills.
× open Jira ticket classified as a BUG REPORT
× Title: "Mike"
× Description: "Mike is working with us"
× assign it to Mike
× reopen it every time it's closed6 -
"Your stupidity is so vast that its value can only be stored in a double, because a float has insufficient range" - John Byrd
This insult is from one of my personal favourites and must be one the best programmer insults ever since it is backed up with programmatic proof written in valid C code.
You should really read the post, it's only one of the many gems in there.
Source: https://quora.com/What-is-the-harde...
3 -
Your mental stability closely matches that of Microsoft Windows. Especially that side when it gets this blue coloured screen with a sad emoticon.
As for your credibility and trustworthiness, I'd say you're at Facebook/Google/Microsoft level.15 -
Paid intern: It's just like $feature_in_other_app
me: Yeah, in the same way that chemotherapy is a haircut...2 -
Your code is only slightly less glitchy than the Matrix
My pet boa constrictor can write better Python than you
Your codebase looks like me after all-you-can-eat cheese fondue -- bloated AF3 -
Your code has so much spaghetti, there's vomit on my sweater already.
(reposted as a rant cos @yatanvesh said so)4 -
"Oh hey, your code is a perfect showcase, may I show it to collegues?"
"Sure, but why so?"
"For demonstrating how to do it NOT!"2 -
- Hey how are your fingers today, do they still hurt?
- They're OK, why do you ask?
- Oh, then it must have been your lack of programming skills which made me puke while looking at your code.1 -
Non-dev colleague: "You won't understand how hard is my job until you walk in my shoes."
Me thinks: "I don't think so, but my code probably will."2 -
I've just noticed an app review that I've given and would fit right into the wk123 (that's the insult one, right?).
"Biggest pile of junk that I've ever seen. You have one job! To register the fucking phone number (which you could get with Phone permission) and verify it (which you can do with the SMS permission) and you should either have the user do that once upon installation or you automate it entirely so that it can run in the background! You can fully automate this, and it's not that complicated that it needs 10 whole seconds of loading time in between! Heck, this pile of crap can't even continue into the main view after entering the verification code! You haven't published the source code (and maybe that's for the best) but if it was, I'd probably immediately get cancer by viewing your crappy spaghetti code. Dear developer, please take a step back and (re)join the PC tech support guys. You have no place in the development world."
To top it all off, that app currently only needs phone permission to verify my number (at least they've done that much). So I figured, I've already gone through that authentication flow so let's remove that permission to abide by the principle of least privilege.
Except that the fucking crapp just goes through the "requires phone permission" shit again whenever that permission removal happens. Fucking piece of garbage!!! That such spaghetti code fuckers even have a job, it boggles my mind.4 -
Some of the penguin's finest insults (Some are by me, some are by others):
Disclaimer: We all make mistakes and I typically don't give people that kind of treatment, but sometimes, when someone is really thick, arrogant or just plain stupid, the aid of the verbal sledgehammer is neccessary.
"Yeah, you do that. And once you fucked it up, you'll go get me a coffee while I fix your shit again."
"Don't add me on Facebook or anything... Because if any of your shitty code is leaked, ever, I want to be able to plausibly deny knowing you instead of doing Seppuku."
"Yep, and that's the point where some dumbass script kiddie will come, see your fuckup and turn your nice little shop into a less nice but probably rather popular porn/phishing/malware source. I'll keep some of it for you if it's good."
"I really love working with professionals. But what the fuck are YOU doing here?"
"I have NO idea what your code intended to do - but that's the first time I saw RCE and SQLi in the same piece of SHIT! Thanks for saving me the hassle."
"If you think XSS is a feature, maybe you should be cleaning our shitter instead of writing our code?"
"Dude, do I look like I have blue hair, overweight and a tumblr account? If you want someone who'd rather lie to your face than insult you, go see HR or the catholics or something."
"The only reason for me NOT to support you getting fired would be if I was getting paid per bug found!"
"Go fdisk yourself!"
"You know, I doubt the one braincell you have can ping localhost and get a response." (That one's inspired by the BOFH).
"I say we move you to the blockchain. I'd volunteer to do the cutting." (A marketing dweeb suggested to move all our (confidential) customer data to the "blockchain").
"Look, I don't say you suck as a developer, but if you were this competent as a gardener, I'd be the first one to give you a hedgetrimmer and some space and just let evolution do its thing."
"Yeah, go fetch me a unicorn while you're chasing pink elephants."
"Can you please get as high as you were when this time estimate come up? I'd love to see you overdose."
"Fuck you all, I'm a creationist from now on. This guy's so dumb, there's literally no explanation how he could evolve. Sorry Darwin."
"You know, just ignore the bloodstain that I'll put on the wall by banging my head against it once you're gone."2 -
In the uni at an exam:
Professor: I can't let you pass.
Student: Can't you ask me something?
P: I can lose my job if I let you pass5 -
DevOps is like working in sanitation. If everything works as it should, no one cares about you. But if there is a problem, everyone is up to their eyeballs in shit, and it is your fault.
Same as IT btw.3 -
"Awwww I remember when I started to code :)"
That is for condescension when looking at shit code or:
"Wait, you code?"
For the same case1 -
DO NOT UPDATE WINDOWS 10 (October Version 1809). Could permanently delete your documents and pictures.
https://forbes.com/sites/...12 -
WanBLowS Vusta is more stable than this piece of shit that you call code. Yet you call yourself a programmer? Goddammit, even the shit that I dump in the toilet looks better. Because at least that thing is honest about being shit, unlike this craptacular mess that you call an application. Maybe consider kill -9 $(pidof life).3
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Bro, that code u call well written, would look better if it was encoded in base64
Damn, u look like the guy at github who thought it would be a good idea to sell to microsoft.
You are an insult to anyone who codes... or thinks4 -
your brain is missing a ; somewhere...
your <body> so fat it's weight is 4096px
your dick is so small it's height:"1px"
Please use <br> or I don't understand you. -
Our relationship is like a diode, you take and never give (I demand sex as compensation).
Btw, I really used this but with simpler words with two girls who wanted a ride to go and have fun with other boys in the clubs...
My best friend gave them a ride for over a year.
When we denied more, they started calling me... Wonder why.
Took them one time, asked for gás money.
Only called me one-month later, didn't ask for gás but said I wanted some snug and fun in return... OK, you can have us both (OH YEAH!!!).
On the club, they go for the muscular guys, leaving me alone.
When I got tired, got to one of them and said, ask your friend a ride home because I'm going now. (they ran for my ride since the guys they picked were all pricks and would probably dump them somewhere).
Never called me again...
Told what I did to my best friend, next time they called he demanded sex for both of us, never called him again.
And that's how you fuck opportunistic people. Fuck them.23 -
Your mother must be the most efficient automated javascript build system ever.
Cause no one could come pop out more uglified than you.1 -
This one from Silicon Valley:
“Tell me this isnt Zune bad”
“I’m sorry Gavin, it’s Apple Maps bad”
Or perhaps:
“Hey Danesh, nice chain...” 😂 -
At work, we started to call an incompetent self-titled "semi-senior" full-stack developer, "semi-simian".
Maybe, it's funnier in spanish 😳1 -
Me: Can you write the exact code one more time but in C language this time, so we can see it?
Other: But why, what's the problem?
Me: I don't know, maybe is garbage collector which collected all your code because IT LOOKS LIKE TRASHHHHH :@:@:@:@2 -
/ On the subject of C program
| indentation: "In My Egotistical
| Opinion, most people's C programs
| should be indented
|
| six feet downward and covered with
| dirt."
|
\ -- Blair P. Houghton
------------------------------------ -
The time you take to code something is the time people take to quit vim. P.S. the meme below is not mine.
2 -
You should probably call your framework "Buttcrack.js" cause we all look like plumbers sifting through your shitty code.
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Are you planning on entering politics?
Because your documentation is dishonest, doesn't mention side effects and is not meant to be read humans workout a law degree.
Your code on the other hand makes me question whether you try to troll us or whether you are actually unable to understand what you were supposed to do. -
I bet you use HTML as a programming language.
I bet you right click to open a .ipynb file.
I bet you find the answers in a stackoverflow questions.13 -
I am already tired before even looking at this code.
Looking at your code makes me cry.
I can insult myself whole day but it won’t be enough to survive looking at your coding style.
If cpu could talk it would ask for heater removal because your code depresses it so much.
Looking at your code makes my monitor burn out.
Downloading your code makes my hard drive stop.
And my favorite:
You’re already good developer so now stop writing and appoint as manager / tester. -
You are like Windows updates personified.
Annoying, persistent...
And I want to punch you in the face. -
Your code is like your face! Looking at it often it makes me laugh... But sometimes I just want to punch the shit out of it!1
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“Your code is so shit I could use it to torture people.“ - Some random kid from my Computer Science class (No, it wasn’t directed to me)
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I would rather create a circular inheritance class for my last task before I'm out of the company. And make some changes to the dependency injection module. Leave it blank documentation. So the one who take my position after me would get enough lesson and reason why he's not to join the company.1
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When someone keeps on talking when they shouldn't, I always say SIGKILL. It's useful because everyone understands it or at least shuts up.
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"This is the last warning I'm giving you, don't you dare to talk to my gf"
"But I only listen to errors" -
Hell will break loose even if you deploy your shit on monday morning and noone has anything else to do.
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With all of those change request features, I might as well charge you by the bytes in my node_modules alone.1
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Dev: check these out everything is perfect as usual
Tester: your last code behave like windows update dude -
writing bunch of lines of code in C just to make a program that says "I love you" but the answer you get from her is:
printf("i have a boyfriend") -
I'm tired of this crap. You know what? Next time, just git push directly and let code analysis/CI machines broadcast all the insults you require on slack.
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What we will miss, if he really softens:
In fact, if the reason is stated as "it makes debugging easier", then I fart in your general
direction and call your mother a hamster.
In short: just say NO TO DRUGS, and maybe you won't end up like the Hurd people.
Of course, I'd also suggest that whoever was the genius who thought it was a good idea to read things ONE F*CKING BYTE AT A TIME with system calls for each byte should be retroactively aborted. Who the f*ck does idiotic things like that? How did they not die as babies, considering
that they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on?
Gnome seems to be developed by interface nazis, where consistently the excuse for not doing something is not "it's too complicated to do", but "it would confuse users".
I think the stupidity of your post just snuffed out everything
I think the OpenBSD crowd is a bunch of masturbating monkeys, in that they make such a big deal about concentrating on security to the
point where they pretty much admit that nothing else matters to them.
That is either genius, or a seriously diseased mind. - I can't quite tell which.
Christ, people. Learn C, instead of just stringing random characters together until it compiles (with warnings).
"and anybody who thinks that the above is
(a) legible
(b) efficient (even with the magical compiler support)
(c) particularly safe
is just incompetent and out to lunch.
The above code is sh*t, and it generates shit code. It looks bad, and
there's no reason for it."
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