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Best office prank: I was pretty young and naaive. Senior dev comes to me and says that it would be hilarious to slide a note under the women's bathroom door saying, "I know what you're doing in there". He says that the woman in there will think it's hilarious too. We work with her, she's very funny and laid back, so I go along with it, expecting to get a laugh. A few minutes go by and a different older women enters my cube. She's got the note! She works on the other side of the building so I don't know her too well but I can tell from the look on her face that she's pissed. I'm frozen with fear as my career flashes before my eyes.
I apologise perfusely and try to explain but she's not having it. After a while she goes back to her office not having accepted that it wasn't meant for her and that it was just a joke gone wrong. I spend the next two days apologizing every chance I get, hoping she won't go to HR. She remains stone cold until late on the second day. She couldn't take it anymore as her mouth reluctantly begins to crack a smile. At that point she drops the serious expression on her face and busts out laughing.
It turns out that the three of them planned the whole thing and executed flawlessly. I've never felt so relieved to be the butt of a joke.7 -
TL;DR: One of my coworkers is a genius engineer and doesn't get as much recognition as he deserves, whereas another extremely mediocre engineer on the team gets praised for his crappy applications.
We have one engineer on our team (let's call him Hank) who started with me at the company when we were interns, and man is he a freaking genius. I swear, you could give this guy any language/library/framework, and he'll be fluent in it in less than a week. He's singlehandedly written two of our most complex applications by himself, and has a great sense of UX as well. All of his apps look fantastic.
The problem is, I feel like he doesn't get anywhere near as much recognition as he should. I try to talk him up to our manager, and our manager knows that Hank is smart, but he also overlooks him for promotions and praise because he's a little spacey (he's got quite the case of ADD) and doesn't speak up very often. He's got trouble focusing sometimes, but when he's in the zone, he can write an exponentially better and more complex application in 2 days than some of our other engineers can do in 4 months.
For example, we have another engineer on our team (let's call him Phil,) and the entire team has their heads so far up Phil's butt that I'm surprised they haven't suffocated yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a smart guy. He's great with the more basic aspects of our job, but when it comes to writing an application, he has no idea what he's doing, and he takes months to write something that should have taken him days. Then when he finally releases it, it's riddled with bugs. But everybody praises and bows down to him for it. "Oh Phil, this app is amazing. You're a genius, you deserve to be a Lead." Then we have Hank sitting quietly at his desk, banging out his 3rd big application of the month, and people say "Eh, nobody's going to use those apps anyway. He's wasting time." And I'm standing there thinking, "You asshats, we already have a solution for the app that Phil wrote, and the entire company is already using it. It's exponentially better, why did you let him waste time writing this when there's already an existing solution?!"
Oh well, I hope Hank gets some recognition soon. He certainly deserves it.18 -
So today I got fired.
Why?
The Ceo forgot they asked me to take care of some business while he was gone. They went on a trip to get thier butt inflated (quite litterally kim kardashian status) for two months.
Me, A general employee, not a captain, or a division manager.
Turns out I ran the company a lot more efficiently than they did, reducing our man power from 5 staff per task down to one per task.
Not only that increased client retention 78℅
Was let go for overstepping my company roles.
I think they we're just a bit jealous, or ego was too large.
Luckily, one of the division managers took me under one of their teams and is secretly keeping me on until I bust out of this joint.
12 -
!dev
Don't drink 2 espressos as breakfast and go on a one-hour toiletless train ride.
60 minutes is a long time to frantically debate with yourself what would look weirder: Shitting in your laptop bag, or pressing your butt against the small sliding window.12 -
*creates a freelancer account on some website.
*builds portfolio and gets things running.
*meets his first client.
Client: Hello. so your profile says you are an experienced full stack developer. You are just the kind of person i've been looking for.
Me: Yep.
Client: Okay I have a project for you. I am looking at developing a simple website that has a few functions and the budget is 100$.
Me: Okay smooth. Hit me with the descriptions.
Client: it's going to be a dating website. Once a user signs up; the website would automatically take control of the user's media devices in his/her home; automatically playing something romantic. You get me?
Me: Em... Idk about that it seems a bit...
Client: it can be done! Develop the algorithm.
Me: Em... Ok.
Client: Well, next the website uses some complex sorting algorithm and sorts existing members based on their past real life relationships. It puts the best people above the messy ones.
Me: o.0
*client goes on with his bullshit in like another 10 lines of messages.
Me: -_-
Client: so what do you think? How soon can you begin and how soon can we be done?
Me: Do you also want a "butt scratcher" feature? Like a hand pops out of the monitor and asks to scratch the user's anus?
*client leaves the chat.
Me: Oh. I guess he a thing against family guy.12 -
Saw an add on my fb feed:
"We will make you a programmer in 6 weeks" - course in programming.
6 f*king weeks! I've been studying 5 years, wrote down butt loads of code, debugged billions of bugs, read hundreds pages of documentation and I wouldn't call my self a full developed programmer.
But hey, those fu*kers will make you a programmer in 6 weeks!15 -
Bored waiting for code to compile so here is a joke someone sent me last week .....
A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.
"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.
"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.
After finishing his drink, the man leaves.
A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the man.
"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"4 -
Me: quits social media because I think it's a waste of time and who the fuck cares about likes and stuff?
Also me: spends countless hours on devRant and would sell my butt for a couple of ++17 -
Eh ehe hehe he eh ehehe
On top of burnout, codebase issues, spec issues, burnout, the product butt that keeps on crapping, burnout, burnout, loathing for my employer... My local Apple SSL cert expired. I can’t finish this and push it anywhere for testing. I can’t even run my own specs anymore. And I don’t have permissions to make a new one. I can’t do anything at all.
Ehe he hehe
Deadline is in two days, and I’m just sitting here laughing quietly to myself. I might finally be going crazy
I found a loose bit of tangle, started to pull, and the world decided it was time to fall apart. Reality said it’s time to go. And I wasn’t even a good screwdriver dev. Byeee ~12 -
I found this posted by a recruiter and I liked it:
| hired someone that didn't shake my hand firmly during the
interview - he rocked as an employee.
| hired someone with three typos on their resume. - She was
the most detailed oriented person l’ve ever worked with.
| hired someone without a college degree- He was way
smarter, innovative, and creative than mel!
| hired someone with four kids- Never met someone so
devoted and committed to her career.
| hired someone who had been incarcerated as a young adult.
- He's a VP now.
| hired someone over 60- she taught me some tricks on excel
that | use to this day!
Can we please throw out all those silly assumptions and rules that we've made up in our head about what a person needs to
be, look like, have accomplished, and do, to succeed?
In my experience, as an HR leader and as a hiring manager, it's those that typically don't get a “shot” who tend to kick butt
in the workplace!
So before you throw that resume away because they don't have every certificate and degree - or - don't call back that candidate because they didn't give you a firm handshake - think about trying something new. Someone new.10 -
I was in college studying stuff I couldn't care less about and had a job that was consuming me. A couple of colleagues and I then decided to open our own company. Four years of sleepless nights later, all colleagues left. I had lost touch with family and friends, had lost a girlfriend and had been left with all the company's debt to pay. Going back to my old career seemed like the only option, but I couldn't let me sabotage myself again. I sat my butt in front of my sister's computer and downloaded every coding class I could get my hands on. Getting used to sleep deprivation helped. Eventually I built my first app and landed my first freelance job. All hat in hand, I told this company I didn't have much experience and they told me they'd hire a senior developer as well. It was on a Sunday morning, at 4am, with the deadline breathing down our necks, that the senior developer had jumped ship and the company asked me if I could take over the project. That moment I realised it's all about being competent. That moment I knew I could do this.5
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Since this category is called rant/story, let me tell you a story today.
I went paragliding above the turqoise colored "dead beach" of Fethiye.
And boy was that awesome.
I was very insecure about flying first. I have such an anxiety. While moving up towards the "Babadağ" Mountain which is 2000 meters above the sea level, my hands began to Shake. We reached the Clouds. The pilot told me everything will be fine. He is doing that since 2006 and has 4 medals for Turkey's best long distance flyer and he also was a stunt man.
We ran down the Cliff. And as my butt was pushed against the seat, my anxiety began to lower itself.
We even did some stunts, but I do not have them on tape.
Those having such anxiety problems should definitely try this out! Really! :)
9 -
I was engaged as a contractor to help a major bank convert its servers from physical to virtual. It was 2010, when virtual was starting to eclipse physical. The consulting firm the bank hired to oversee the project had already decided that the conversions would be performed by a piece of software made by another company with whom the consulting firm was in bed.
I was brought in as a Linux expert, and told to, "make it work." The selected software, I found out without a lot of effort or exposure, eats shit. With whip cream. Part of the plan was to, "right-size" filesystems down to new desired sizes, and we found out that was one of the many things it could not do. Also, it required root SSH access to the server being converted. Just garbage.
I was very frustrated by the imposition of this terrible software, and started to butt heads with the consulting firm's project manager assigned to our team. Finally, during project planning meetings, I put together a P2V solution made with a customized Linux Rescue CD, perl, rsync, and LVM.
The selected software took about 45 minutes to do an initial conversion to the VM, and about 25 minutes to do a subsequent sync, which was part of the plan, for the final sync before cutover.
The tool I built took about 5 minutes to do the initial conversion, and about 30-45 seconds to do the final sync, and was able to satisfy every business requirement the selected software was unable to meet, and about which the consultants just shrugged.
The project manager got wind of this, and tried to get them to release my contract. He told management what I had built, against his instructions. They did not release my contract. They hired more people and assigned them to me to help build this tool.
They traveled to me and we refined it down to a simple portable ISO that remained in use as the default method for Linux for years after I left.
Fast forward to 2015. I'm interviewing for the position I have now, and one of the guys on the tech screen call says he worked for the same bank later and used that tool I wrote, and loved it. I think it was his endorsement that pushed me over and got me an offer for $15K more than I asked for.4 -
Ruby’s fanciness bit me in the butt today. It’s pretty rare, but often confusing AF when it happens.
array = [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7]
array.count +1 +2
# => 1
What the fuck?
array.count +1 +2 +3
# => 1
What the fuck?
+1 +2 +3
# => 6
Okay.
(array.count +1 +2 +3)
# => 1
What the fuck?
(7 +1 +2 +3)
# => 13
Okay...
array.count + 1 + 2 + 3
# => 13
Alright, so spaces matter here...?
((array.count) +1 +2 +3)
# => 13
But not here!? ... Oh. I think I know what’s going on.
Array#count
Returns the number of elements. If an argument is given, counts the number of elements which equal it using ==
Well fuck me.
Ruby is seeing `array.count(+1+2+3)` instead of `array.count()+1+2+3` since `+1` is a value, not an operator followed by a value as is the case with `+ 1`.
Now, why was I using +1 +2 instead of adding some spaces like I normally would? So they would match what was in the comment next to them for easier reference. Heh.
Future dev, I did this for you! So this is all your fault. :|36 -
I got a crap raise — lowest I’ve ever gotten anywhere, and well below inflation — despite busting my butt, having somewhat better health and therefore productivity, etc.
I complained to my boss about it, and said it was insulting. He said that direct managers have zero say in raises, and instead it’s entirely up to execs and HR. Makes sense, since nothing makes sense at this company.
Anyway, he apparently talked to his boss, who talked with his boss, who talked with the execs and HR, and they decided to give me a raise on my raise, a whole $1k/year more, all the way back up to the usual insultingly-low 3%. Yay.
Their reasoning?
“Money is tight.”
The last all-hands?
“Record profits! Record sales! Record numbers across the board! And most of all: record profits! Give yourselves a round of applause for making this all possible!”
Money is tight, eh?
I hope they get smushed by a meteor, given a snuggle-struggle by a roving Somali gang, or kept warm for the rest of their lives by another Hawaiian/Californian wildfire.14 -
Maybe this is my retribution for participating in yesterday's rant about public transportation.
Saturday morning, I had an 🥚and 🍌. I was happy.
I went out to meet with my GF.
I got a window seat on bus.
The seat on my left was empty for few stops.
A mudafucka big kid came and sit beside me.
I was like, cool, heyyo kid. Not some greasy old dudes or ready to slap chicks.
Oh boy can I be wronger?
The mudafucka big kid started with right butt scratch using right hand.
Then followed up by left butt scratch with left hand.
And then did a wiggly body scratching using his seat like an alien snake.
I got itchy looking at him.
Also I said big two times because he spread his big thighs so wide it took 1/3 of my seat.
And now playing loud ass games on his phone.
Not a good sign for my Saturday.1 -
Oh null, how I detest you.
select birthdate, isnull(birthdate) from Users;
>> [null, 0]
Maybe I wrongfully accuse the abstract concept, and should rather loathe the engineers who can't wrap their heads around null despite their heads being a skull literally wrapping fucking nothingness.
Oracle engineers:
"Wait that's invalid input. What do we do?"
"Default the date to 0000-00-00?"
"That kind of looks like a null..."
"Hmm but it isn't *really* a full-on, butt-clenching, hardcore, intrinsic, I-can-taste-it-in-the-air null"
"Yeah not really feeling it either. It's not giving me the typical null-goosebumps."
"Oh, I know! Let's make it a pretend-null, where the actual type totally depends on the layer of the application!"
"Yeah developers love ambiguous random conversions!"4 -
If nobody hates you, you're doing something wrong ~ House MD
Tl;Dr : I'm pissing the right people off and my God I like it
That's what I've known and have confirmed doing my current side project with my gf, we are working on a ratemyprofessors clone with extra spicy features, one in particular is so spicy some teachers will be put in a position in which they would rather grind hot peppers with their butt cheeks.
Don't get me wrong, there are good teachers (some of which actually showed support) but some are not good teachers and some aren't good people either; I've decided it's time to stop complaining and take action.
We recently released an alpha and I presented it to a teacher I had this semester (one of the "not so great" kind) as a DB proyect cuz fuck it I'm not doing 2 projects.
This teacher is your run of the mill "I'm lazy and I don't care" teacher and she ran the classroom like a shitty kindergarten, so much so, one of the teams was presenting a buggy admin site as their project and she started talking on the phone! Right up on their faces!!
My turn, I go up and handle her a 30 page printed thesis of my project and said that unlike my mates, I was going to start presenting the idea and then the actual software...why is it printed?, She said; Because I won't be projecting the PDF ma'am, I actually made a professional presentation and that way you can read more technical details while I give a broad overview...
I started talking about the huge issues students face and my research about it, undisciplined teachers, no class structure ~ abrupt interruption ~ "yeah I know like, you are giving so much statistics and numbahs but where is the database?"
I got pissed off because the whole purpose of printing and giving her the docs was for her to ask specific questions AT THE END! So I told her I was getting there and to ask questions at the end...I start showing off the system's sweetest features... everyone got quiet...a girl on the front row kept looking at the teacher and then back to the board with her eyes wide open, the teacher was visibly upset.
I asked someone to please help me by using the site being projected for everyone to see, he searched the teacher's name and it obviously popped up cuz I scrapped the whole teacher index site... some people gasp and others start murmuring.
She freaked and started arguing saying that frontend can't be just HTML and CSS, where did you mentioned x and y feature? admit it's just teacher evaluations! where did you get the teacher names? I want the scripts!....it went on even 10 minutes after class and the next class with a police like interrogation.
So yeah, something tells me I'm not getting an A, but I'm happy after all because that's the kind of reaction I want from those types of professors.
Worth it 😎
8 -
So this company came up with a nice way for us to fuck each other's ass with a double-sided butt-plug: Everyone will have their own partners. For every day your partner delays his/her task, you will get a deduction on your salary, and vice versa.9
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A professor once told me he loved being a CS professor because "you can't smoke and then code well." I laughed my butt off because a solid majority of his class smoked right before class every day.
The look on his face when I told him the truth about his students was priceless. I feel bad about shattering his world view. Kind of.3 -
The thing with meetings is that most don't know what a (formal) meeting is.
A meeting has a specific time frame, a defined agenda with specific topics and a moderator or an agreement on a common netiquette.
That's a meeting.
A meeting is not a place to put your willy on the desk and proof to everyone that your cock is thx to operation a long schlong who won't get hard, nor that you don't know how to shave, even less to measure the size of your genitals.
It's neither the time to eat and slurp like a fucking hobgoblin, nor to drink like an alcoholic who hasn't had a drop of alcohol in the last hour.
Parents, I don't care what your satanic offspring achieved today, nor how cute they are, even less what booboo they have.
Crybabies, keep your whining for after meeting time, maybe even stop crying and just have a nice talk outside of allocated time frames to discuss whom hurt whom the most and who has the most sand in his clit.
Get to the fucking point.
If I wanted to read a trilogy to understand what you contribute, I'd have written it on the agenda.
If it's not on the agenda, cram it in your butt cheeks for the next time you need to shit.
If you can't converse with people at all, the meeting is allocated at least 24 hours before it happens.
Prepare yourself for goddamn sake.
You could even read out a predefined text if you want, noone cares.11 -
Before I left for vacation two weeks ago, I busted my butt to build out another portion of my frontend testing framework and get it in place (and spec’d) to unblock a coworker on a semi-high-priority ticket. I sent him detailed notes on which areas of the product it covers, how to use it, and copied one of his (blocked) tests over and updated it to use the new methods, pattern, namespacing, etc.
I came back today and discovered … he hasn’t even touched it. Everything is exactly as I left it.
Wheeeeeee.12 -
It says here https://lingolex.com/ants.htm that ant brain has 250000 brain cells, so 40000 ants add up to one human.
The biggest unitary colony found so far has something over 300 millions of ants. They also form federations also called megacolonies and those spread across large areas and are estimated over a billion.
They have insect version of agriculture and they can decide what is the purpose of an ant when it's egg is laid (also depends on time of the year). They don't fight other ants with the same smell, which pretty much carries down.
What are they thinking about all day? Are they like "let's lay three more billions and then take over" or is it more like "how does my butt smell to you? let's eat that leaf" Because if they have hive mind as they say then they add up to some serious intelligence :-|
>.>
<.<
¯\(0_o)/¯7 -
So...Worked my butt off to have a website developed by a certain date client and I agreed on. Finished the site 3 weeks ago and sent dev link. Client has been completely silent; unreachable by email (I sent 5 in past 3 weeks) and phone (left 2 voicemails and a message with his receptionist today). In ALL five emails I told him I needed the email addresses he wants used to route his sales leads to...Got nada.
So today I seen that the lead forms have been tested on the website. Dude can't get back to me for 3 effing weeks, BUT can test his lead forms.. You know, without the lead email addresses that i asked for 5x. Ugh, idiot!!!2 -
My most memorable co-worker? Have quite a few memorable positive and negative ones.
One of the positives was an ex-Marine (only a few months back from Iraq) 'Erin' who 'butt-ed heads' with an ex-Navy "vet" 'Tom' who was also our source control nazi (I've ranted about him before). "Vet" is in quotes because HR decided to research Tom's 'service' (what ship did he served on, etc) for an upcoming salute to veterans. They found out 'Tom' hurt his knee in basic training and had to be discharged.
Tom enjoyed talking his military "service" until HR spilled the beans (another story behind that, I'll share if interested), and when Erin found out Tom never stood foot outside basic training as a soldier, the alpha-male shit hit the fan.
The F-bombs were as plentiful as leaves in the fall.2 -
My friend once told me, that when he was trying really hard to find an error on his code (which caused the app couldn't run), he didn't get any of syntax error.
But when he try to skim the query, he found a little query typo that cause the long development delay due to that error. He mistyped SELECT as SELET.
For you who don't get the joke. SELET, in my language (Javanese Language), means ASS/BUTT/ARSE. My friend felt like to be cursed by his own code, after searching the error.5 -
Am I the only one who procrastinates only on starting a task? Like, once I start the task, then it's easy to keep going till completion; but I can't freaking get my butt into the chair and start.
Any tips on how to get over starting troubles?7 -
I think this a perfect anecdote of where tech is going nowadays:
I moved my bowels on one of those high-tech Japanese toilets: it allowed you to control the seat temperature, cleaned your butt with spray (with an additional "ladies" mode), had several modes of flushing (1, 2, and "eco"), automatically lifted and closed the lid, played some music for you, had a remote controller for you to flush your shit at a distance.
But, guess what, IT DIDN'T FLUSH SHIT. It pathetically trying to flush my shit with 1000 different kinds of puny jets and draining modes but my heap of shit always bounced back because its flush was so weak that it couldn't push it.
I don't care if the seat warmer went out of control and burned my ass or if the butt cleaning jet didn't reach my anus,
JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND FLUSH MY SHIT.5 -
I've got this customer who for some fucking reason won't change their DNS to point to our new servers, but wants to fucking stay on that old piece of crap, where we have to ask our sub-provider to generate a CSR to send to our customer to use to sign a certificate to send to us to send to our sub-provider. Because yeah, that's so much fucking easier than just pointing your domain to our new system, and get SSL set up automatically. For fucks sakes! And also, your certificate expires tomorrow, and since our idiot sub-provider hasn't responded to my email about CSR in a week, you basically have no option. So get that thumb out your butt and just switch the DNS!
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I JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT MAKES ONE WANT TO BANG TWO BRICKS ON HEAD SND END THE PAIN THE STORY STARTS YESTETDAY WITH ISSUES AFTER A MIGRSTION AND THEY ASK ME TO HELP TROUBLESHOOT EVEN THOUGH I'M A DEV DBA AND THE ISSUE IS IN QA/SAT AND I HELP ANYWAY AND THEY CAN'T FIND A VIEW AND SO I LOOK EVERYWHERE AND CAN'T DOING IT EITHER AND IT DIDN'T EXIST IN PROD OR DEV SO I TELL THEM IT'S NOT THERE, AND THEY ARE LIKE, CAN YOU RETRIEVE IT FOR US AND I'M LIKE FROM WHERE? I DON'T KEEP VIEWS IN MY BUTT AND YOU GUYS ARE SMOKING CRACK AND THE GIVE ME THEIR QUERY WHICH CONTAIN THE VIEE ANYWAY AND THEY SAY CAN YOU RUN IT AND IT RUNS AND WORKS AND THEY CAN'T MAKE IT WORK AND IT WORKS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CALL THE VIEW THEY HAVE ME SO NO PROBLEM THERE SO I FINALLY ASK THEM ARE YOU POINTING TO THE CORRECT DATABASE AND THEY'RE LIKE OH MAN WE TOLD YOU THE WRONG DATABASE AND SO I LOOK AT THE RIGHT DATABASE AND FIND THAT THE GRANTS ARE MISSING AND YEAH THANK YOU FOR TAKING EIGHT HOURS OF MY LIFE BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE WRONG DB YOU GAVE ME AND I HOPE THE FLAG OF A THOUSAND CAMELS INVEST YOUR ARMPITS AND THE CHIGGERS OF A THOUSAND SOUTHERN LAWNS INGEST YOUR SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR. YAAAAAA!!!!9
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*Assigns coworker as reviewer for a PR*
*Reviewer comments on something he thinks should be changed*
*Reviewer realizes I went home as it is Friday afternoon*
*Reviewer is super impatient, and chooses to push the change himself. He then accepts the PR (his own code) , merges, and makes a release*
*Team lead starts yelling since an obvious bug made it to prod - Literally white frontpage*
*Reviewer blames me, since the bug comes from my PR*
... Thanks, former employee. F*cking thanks. I know you got fired for being a d*ck, but I hope karma kicks you in the butt for the rest of your life..
And ps. to you: Don't blame coworkers when you can check the history.
F*ck some people..4 -
I have met a game developer today who genuinely browse the internet using MS Edge by choice.
His reason: sine I was little I loved Microsoft, I accept the fact that some websites don't show properly on Microsoft's browser, by using their browser I keep reminding myself that loyalty to what I love is more important than practicality.
My response to him: bbut... As long as you're happy!
As a web developer I feel that myself and other web devs have the responsibility to kick Microsoft in the butt to make their browser good enough for loyal people like that guy!14 -
You know, one of my worst fears as a programmer isn’t a bug, or shitty clients, it’s not even happening on my computer.
It’s when I can’t find a good playlist to listen to because the good ones I listen to way to much and I get sick of them so I get stuck with nothing and my Brain simply can’t function without a butt shaking toon!1 -
OK people, I don't need a novel written for every line of code, but PLEASE STOP trying to tell me that "yOuR coDe sHouLd bE sELf dOcUmeNtiNg aNd cOmMenTs mEaN iT's aUtoMaTiCaLLy bAd". That's a bunch of BS. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've saved my own butt by dropping a "this call can't be awaited; causes the library's internal API to throw an error" comment in my C#, or a "can't use double quotes here; doesn't work right for some reason" line in my JavaScript. Sometimes there are very good but un-obvious reasons why something was done a certain way, even though it looks like it could be done better. And don't try to tell me "the tests will catch it". Let's be realistic here, nobody has 100% test coverage on any project that's much more than "Hello World". And even if the tests DID catch it, why waste the time when you could just write a comment?
P.S.: This is not directed at anyone on here specifically. It's directed at all the devs I've met IRL and the comments I've seen on SO, who think that comments must be bad.12 -
programmers after Rust:
- cat ears: on
- pink thigh-highs: on
- butt plug: in
“I… I use Wust 😏🤤 bwazing fast UwU”
programmers before Rust:
9 -
Is it just me or do you guys also have that itchy annoying feeling of wanting to copy certain text on devRant mobile app? 😕
It's like you have that medium level itchiness between your butt just outside your butthole. But you can't do anything because you are in the middle of an interview. That kinda feeling. 😵3 -
!rant
Hello World!
Just wanted to ask about the best souvenirs in Munich, Germany?
Our CTO is currently having a consultancy work in Munich, and would like to let him repay his debts for not delivering deliverables on time or should I spank his butt instead? So much for his demands and ignorance! 🤔 😈
Or any recommendations that could be of help?
Danke!2 -
In a conference video call of our tech team, someone remarked how he used to believe his laptop is so powerful until the day he installed Android Studio. To which I remarked, it takes somewhere around 10seconds on my machine to build this up. No wonder it became a butt of jokes, someone would say my laptop has a nitro-booster, or I build Hello World Programs. I literally had to show them screenshots and gradle build logs.
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Worst documentation? Unreal Engine 4's documentation on editor customization (custom panels/windows and whatnot). It might have improved in the last two years, but the last time I made a custom editor there was almost zero documentation on the matter and on their Slate UI framework. The little documentation that existed was very vague and had awful examples.
I don't remember very well, but I think it took me close to two weeks to get something very basic working. I had to read a LOT of C++ code filled with generics and macros to figure everything out, but after I did I enjoyed a lot working with that stuff.
I just don't know how I was able to do that, working with UE4 was a pain the butt every. single. day. Runtime error on the gameplay code? Too bad, the whole editor will crash and then take ~40s to reopen. It was crash after crash, ~1min of compilation time for any little change to the code, so so so so much frustration.
I do miss a those times a bit though, because even though it was hard, it felt good to feel competent, to know something complex reasonably well to the point I could help people on forums. Today I always feel I don't know enough about the languages/frameworks I use. It's kinda depressing, it takes a huge toll on my self confidence. But whatever, let's keep going, one day I'll get there :) -
Hopefully, you already know that the company controlled by the alledged reptiloid subhuman and olimpic testicle juggler formerly known as Mister Zuck My Tits is not to be trusted.
But as is always the case in this bitch, I've been forced into cowjizz flooded swamps' worth of stinking shit platforms for the sake of avoiding isolation.
And so, I've just found yet another way in which Facebook **THUNDERSTRIKE** ... the company, not the geriatric ward, is one of the CROWN ACHIEVEMENTS of human civilization.
Let me tell you something: some people are fucking broke. Hell, some people sleep on the streets, live on scraps, and willingly engage in acts of public defecation when provoked. But I'm not even talking about them no, just plain *broke*.
And so imagine being that guy who doesn't really use his phone much, except maybe for sharing cat pictures with mom because that's what being an absolute chad is all about. You don't get a new phone, because money is a __little__ bit tight. But THEN...
The dreaded CAPITAL strikes, and requests of you to bend and fall onto your knees so as to provide intense, intimate and manual -- as well as oral -- PLEASURE to the [NOT SO] METAPHORICAL PENIS of the """SYSTEM""".
Oh, what an abominable, drooooooling revenant that lies before you!
"Gimme your ass... " he says, menacingly, as you wail about in a futile attempt to guard and preserve the very last vestiges of your own anal virginity.
And so you fight, and kick him in the NADS with everything you have, down to the final shreds of vigor. Victory! Or so you thought...
"You must... " he mutters, mortally wounded "update WhatsApp... "
"Still you breathe?!" you exclaim, suddenly transformed into a heroic, sexy moustachoed arquebusier "After I'm done ~OILING~ my VICTORIOUS CHEST, I *shall* bestow DEATH uppon you!".
But as you rip open your shirt to apply sensual oiling to your marvellous frontal assets, your nemesis reveals it's portentous Portugal: "this new version of Android... " he gasps as he perishes "is incompatible with your device... "
"Ughh! Sacrebleu!" you shriek out in pain, realizing that you are now unable to ACCESS THE FUCKING DATA THAT IS IN YOUR OWN FUCKING HARDWARE BECAUSE OF A STUPID FORCED BINARY INCOMPATIBILITY.
That's right. Now even if I *do* get a new phone, I can't do shit about losing all of the family memes. And contacts and all of that shit, but the stickers are more important. A minor inconvenience, yes, and it didn't need all of this preamble but I was doing the dramatic fight scene bit inside my head as I was writing and I got into it.
Because the only documented way to transfer all of that data is to OPEN THE APPLICATION and scan some code, but everytime I go to do that, IT TELLS ME I NEED TO UPDATE. And every time I GO TO UPDATE, it says that MY PHONE is TOO FUCKING OLD!! AAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!
And you too, might be a dashing french man from centuries past, with both balls and tits down to your fucking knees, folding your arms in a position that exhumes smugness in a disgustingly irreverent and self-aggrandizing way, looking at me as a mere plebeian who cannot wrap his head around the mystical art of interacting with Google's black deuce box.
And you would be somewhat right in your judgement! But just having to fiddle about with these fucking pocket Elmo screens is such a traumatic experience for me that I'd rather lose my stickers.
[ADBREAK] Are you a debonair victorian undercover butt pirate, taking unparalleled care of your Falstaffian, highfalutin poils pubiens? Need your "sword" sharpened, as you browse through the pages of this magnanimous lexicon? Would you rather allocate final death to your coworkers than learn one more synonym for sonorous, supercilious and pontifical?
We all know that ALL you need to help keep that honor intact is slaying your enemies in high-stakes combat. But how to satisfy less gallant needs, when male prostitution is outlawed in more than sixteen duchies?
Look no further than BloodCurse, the ancient hex that will haunt your family for countless generations! With BloodCurse, you may crawl the earth as a mindless, shameless, piece of shit cockswallowing JUGGERNAUT that craves nothing BUT the consumption of scabbed human ass!
BloodCurse is easily contracted through consumption of the GENITAL fluids of highly-lecherous succubi, conjured through [EXTREMELY CENSORED]! This forbidden arcana allows the user to debour HIS OWN testicles in no time!
Get your bottle of scents, sensual Portuguese chest oils, and fucking designer-drug bath salts for the low, low price of a passionate, unceassing self-blowjob! And use my code FRONTALASSETS for 60% OFF in your next soul-robbing foray into the felational dark arts!
Big ups to BloodCurse for sponsoring this RRRRRRRR~$RRR$$RR%5RRRRR$0000:>A48CC50A E3A1B22A : 330D4750 7C24E5A5|.......*3.GP|$.. 5262E7D5 0D1C24E6 : 85594B39 1CB7593E|Rb......YK9..Y>
:~11 -
i burnt 3 fingers on each of my hands cooking yesterday(picked up a lid with bare hands) and have butt loads of coding to so let's see what wins14
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So Igot that Samsung DeX thing a while ago. So far, it was just a nice gadget to have at hand, but I didn't get to use it properly since my laptop was always the better option sort of.
Now.
My power adapter for the laptop died last friday. I have a second one at home, but of course, I pack the wrong one for work.
Ended up working the entire day on the DeX. Thankfully, I just needed to do some web and office based stuff, and all the necessary documents are online anyway.
So that thing just saved my butt today, which is nice. Took a while to get used to, but it does it's job quite nicely.
To be honest: Iam suprised it works the way it does. Oh what a time to be alive...
Now the question is...
Can I get Ubuntu on here somehow? I did find a Tmux? shell and was able to download some ubuntu onto it, but it had gpg issues.
Anyone got more references? Ubuntu on Android 8.13 -
What happens to a fart?
Does it disappear?
Well my science background says it cannot disappear. So what happens to the fart?
My theory is that the air cools and can no longer suspend the butt particles in the air. So all the particles fall to the ground. On the ground this forms a layer of butt dust.
So remember when you walk around the house without shoes on. There is butt dust sticking to your feet.11 -
TLDR, i am not performing as I used to in my job before i made my side hussle and idk if i should do anything about it.
every since covid started and companies started laying off people, I started realizing im in danger when no company was able to match my current salary, and the ones that do would, make me do a hunger games hackerrank competition with thousands of other people which I don't really wanna take part of..
My company even laid off a lot of people due to budget cuts a while back and i didn't feel secure at all, and knowing that i might end up with less salary should i get fired and settle for the next company that accepts me, kinda made me lose any trust i had for the whole being an employee thing... I have financial goals i want to meet and depending on this one company to not fire me is scary...
I registered a tech company and hoped I could take on some high budget projects, got nothing the first year but slowly i started getting some projects and now im hiring contractors to help with projects and its going great and im really happy and excited about it.
But i often need to manage said contractors, have calls with clients and even do some coding myself. Some of that i end up having to do in secret in my company time... we work in a big co-working space so i get to sneak into a meeting booth and do all that.
my manager lives in another country and basically im in a situation where i can get away with it without anyone noticing.
However, I used to be one of the top contributors in the company. I used to finish a butt load of tasks every day and i ended up being promoted to manager, but i still get some coding tasks. But generally, if it weren't for my side hussle i would still be a top contributor and shine like i used to, but now i mostly do what is expected on me, and im afraid someone would ask me at some point why im not as productive as I used to be.
nobody asked me anything but i just feel kinda guilty and miss having the one job to focus on and taking credit for a lot of things and helping everyone, but at the same time i dont trust that the company cares about me enough to give me any guarantees or stocks or bonuses so i feel i need to keep growing my side hussle to have a safety net..
thank you for reading my rant1 -
Any other IT company is like:
* Task -> Designer -> Markup coder -> Backend -> Finish
Our IT company:
Act I: "Art of setting up contact with idiots".
------
Items:
*Cave scripts (aka "typical task")
Designer: -- "DAFUQ?"
Customer: *gives another interpretation*
Designer: -- "Erm... really? White text on white background?"
Customer: -- "Make a decision by yourself. I was expecting much more independence from you. You are an expert after all."
Designer: -- "Well. I'm making decision by myself. The text will be placed *here* and will be gray-colored, because *bla-bla-bla*"
Customer: -- "I disagree."
Designer: *1 hour of silence later* -- "Well...k."
Act II: "Design meets ar(u)tist"
----
Items:
*Something, that was drawn by dumb kid while smashing his own head against desk. (PSD layout)
* Salt (to pour it on open wounds)
Designer: -- "I'm seeing this task *this way*"
Markup: -- "And how do u think i should get this done? Have you even seen what you made?? This is bullshit!"
Designer: -- "It's not bullshit! It's a sci-fi themed layout!"
Markup: -- "With gameplay elements and graphics from Alien Shooter??"
Designer: -- "Well, I don't care." *brings new edits and changes*
Markup: -- "????"
Designer: *smug face* -- "!!!"
Act III (7 days later, 9 hours till deadline): "Short story about boy, who was trying to hang himself, but instead fell out from window."
----
Items:
*Markup, smelling like it went through hell and back (x1)
* Markup coder with fried butt (x1)
Backend: -- "What. Is. THAT?"
Markup: -- "It's a work we should complete in 9 hours."
Backend: -- "WE?? I know u mean me, but that's a nightmare. What the f*ck were you doing all this time?"
Markup: -- "Well..." *finds out that he was only watching films and sleeping* "I was making this thing up..."
Backend: -- "You mean "f*cking" *this* thing "up"?"
Markup: -- "Not without it"
(*3 hours of edits and changes of color from white to white later*)
Backend: -- "Well, let's do this."
*Picks PHP and tries to bundle it up with MongoDB. After some time tries to rewrite everything to JS and starts shouting something like "F***CK" and looking for window to walk through. Figures out that he is on first floor. And that he is too lazy to go upstairs*
Act IV (3 days after deadline): "Pain and misery":
-----
Items:
*Something covered with insul(t)ating tape. (Final product)
Customer: -- "Really?"
Team: -- "Kinda."
Customer: -- "Well, thanks for your work anyway. It feels like it's going to disassemble right in my hands but it just works. Oh, also, you didnt made this in time, so your payment will be over9000 times lower. That's all"
Backend, on fluids: -- "Well...yeah..."
Markup: -- "Don't look at me like that. I really was doing my job."
Designer, with twitching eye: -- "Huh, I see. You worked so hard that we have nothing to eat now. Thanks for that."
Backend: ...
1 -
I wish I could do the following legally....
Spank someones butt with good horse hair whip.
Draw smilies with sriracha on the butt.
Let him write 1000 times "I'll keep my half knowledge and thus profound dumbness to myself - or ask politely instead of barking orders" with his red hot sriracha butt.
Let him lick it clean, his filthy mouth needs it.
And hopefully. Hopefully. Pain would teach him the lesson that his half assed knowledge and narcisstic behaviour does more harm than good - especially to himself.
Backstory: I had a full dual phone conference and video chat experience because someone was so full of shit... Eh. Narcisstic self believe. That he nearly destroyed an ongoing migration, made upper management nervous, and letting me deal with the still ongoing migration, conference / chatting and so on.
And yes. The date for migration was fixed. He could have spout his nonsense before.
Damn it, so many ideas to turn a human body into !!*!"!!*!*!*!!*
He launched a fullblown discussion on a saturday during an ongoing migration based on outdated knowledge claiming the right to know it all. R I P.6 -
Funniest game after a week of torture:
How many cocktails per hour are needed to forgot partially the mayhem?
3 and going strong currently.
Seeeex on the beach, my saviour, my Adonis, my strong dicked butt pecker.4 -
Heck yeah,
So an old Ionic 3 project wont work on the newest CLI.
I check around for the error, update some dependencies, sure enough it starts working again, all is great or so I thought.
Later something weird starts happening, upon pushing a new view on the navCtrl, the navParams are null on the next view.
I later find out that navCtrl is becoming navParams just on the first bit of the view loading, so I do a dirty fix just to keep working on the functionality from my browser, I know very well this will cause problems later on, this is just so I can keep working on functionality.
I finish all of the functionality and I'm ready to compile for android, I run my script, the dirty fix comes to bite my butt now.
I remove the dirty fix hoping for it to work just well on the apk.
Now gradle doesn't find ddmlib.jar, some 15 minutes of troubleshooting do nothing.
Fuck it, I'll just create a new project from the CLI and drag all the code there so that navParams work as expected.
Sorry Ionic, but the world is not our oyster when subtle changes in dependencies produce such unexpected behaviour, with some fucking view parameters!.
I'm looking forward to get done with all the current projects to jump back to native.1 -
I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep because I'm working on a pretty complex algorithm and, even though I'm writing the cleanest code I can with lots of comments, I feel it's going to be a pain in the butt to understand what's going on tomorrow
Aaaaaaaa2 -
i recently realised that youtube is the single most addictive app for me.
- it has reels that doesn't impact your usual video. reels is already a very addictive feature, but having this ability to watch many 1 min videos without losing my current video's timestamp, the search feed, the history and the home feed, it makes a great way to spend 1 hour on a 10 mins video
- it's AI is world class and recommends videos/channels that are full of content that i would watch
- it has a butt load of content.
- vanced/ ad blockers makes it possible to watch videos without ads, so makes the whole experience more grappling.
i spent 3-4 hours on it each day and another 2-3 hours during work. when it's not open as a tab on laptop, its open in my mobile.
youtube feels like a very nasty, evil product as i realise all this.
do you people feel the same about youtube? any detox tips?9 -
When you are working late, is there a role on your team who grabs you dinner / does other odd jobs?
We used to have a producer job role, but those employees had their title changed to program manager at one point, and since the switch there really isnt a role whos obligations include grabbing dinner for the team on late nights and doing other odd jobs / tasks. How does your org handle this? Are you "entitled" to dinner if you stay late, or do you figure that out on your own?
Quick disclaimer: I kind of feel spoiled / ridiculous for expecting someone to grab me dinner, but if i'm working 12+ hours and I have to leave to get dinner, i might aswell just go home as my concentration is going to be broken and im sure the business would rather my butt in its seat coding.5 -
C++20 Modules ! I can't wait to get rid of includes and include barriers ! Still prefer Rust though, borrowing times saved my butt just this morning, hopefully we'll get them on C++ too at some point1
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Did you know a tigers tongued is so rough it can lick the paint off the side of a building?
Gives new meaning to the phrase "oral sex."
On a semi-related note, Samsung uses a butt-shaped robot to make sure its phones won't break when people sit on them. -
I got my current job in the most standard manner,
1. Saw an ad for the job in the local newspaper.
2. Called the boss and had a chat with him. He sounded nice and the job sounded interesting.
3. Submitted my application and resumé
4. Boss called and we set up an appointment for an interview.
5. Met with boss and HR, had a cup of coffee and an interview.
6. Boss called and told me I'm one of two, and that he would like me to do a DISC personality analysis.
7. Met with HR and did the analysis, a bunch of questions that I answered as thoroughly as I could.
8. Boss called and said, congrats! Can you start next month? Yes, I could and it's been more than three years since :)
To make a boring story a bit more funny: Half-way through my first day, I noticed my zipper was open =:O And today I'm wearing two exactly identical socks...save for the colour, different shades of grey on left and right foot. Hush, don't tell my colleagues, maybe they won't notice ;) Well, I guess it's alright as long as I'm not wearing nothing but underwear, or being butt naked, like in some nightmares.1 -
When the only thing that standing between you and finishing your app is WebRTC!
BAHHHHHHH, I don't know why, but this thing is kicking my butt. Spent like 2 weeks now trying to get it... Anyone on the community got any good links for how to use this? Because I am losing my mind here D:4 -
How much of fairness can human factor add to a government compared to foolproof AI algorithm. Is it too early or too utopiaic to trust AI with governance compared to agenda based corporate embracing environment destructing corrupt to the core politicians. Is AI more evil than today's politicians. Is there a project already similar to crypto currency on governance. On seeing all butt heads in power and in age where whistle blowers are caged I feel helpless tothink software cannot change the most primal thing - politics. Switching on TV and watching news had never been this disgusting. Flushing these thoughts , came back to my desk to learn something better and be at peace with programming.4
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I'm struggling with learning JavaScript and wondered if anyone had advice that would make learning and retaining it a little easier.
I've been through multiple HTML and CSS fundamentals courses on various apps and a couple on JavaScript and though I have the basics more or less down the more advanced stuff is really kicking my brains butt.
I would ask this on Sololearn but 90% of people on there are morons who struggle to even use the app let alone read. A page can give you the answer to a question that follows and you got people saying that they need help with the answer. I mean how dumb can you be?
I'm not looking for an easy ride but I do feel I lack direction and with so many resources out there I'm a bit lost as to what experienced devs think are good.
I'm pretty consistent on at least on hour a day, 7 days a week. Though I only have about 2 months of experience which isn't crap in regards to the bigger picture. So I'm still extremely green but also very dedicated and want to learn so I can change careers.
Anyways opinions and or criticisms are welcome.Cheers.18 -
djtsjxnvmtjxkzmffnvxj jfjdmf
ugh I just wasted an hour of my life on `tar`. Unzip, edit file, rezip. Seriously. How hard can that be? And no DSM, "invalid file format" doesn't do crap for helping me debug.
(I know, tar is the butt of a lot of memes around here, but it's legitimately frustrating.) -
Rawr X3 *nuzzles* How are you? *pounces on you* you're so warm o3o *notices you have a bulge* someone's happy! *nuzzles your necky wecky* ~murr~ hehe 😉 *rubbies your bulgy wolgy* you're so big! *rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy* it doesn't stop growing .///. *kisses you and licks your neck* daddy likes 😉 *nuzzle wuzzle* I hope daddy likes *wiggles butt and squirms* I wanna see your big daddy meat! *wiggles butt* I have a little itch o3o *wags tails* can you please get my itch? *put paws on your chest* nyea~ it's a seven inch itch *rubs your chest* can you pwease? *squirms* pwetty pwease? 🙁 I need to be punished *runs paws down your chest and bites lip* like, I need to be punished really good *paws on your bulge as I lick my lips* I'm getting thirsty. I could go for some milk *unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow* you smell so musky 😉 *licks shaft* mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so musky 😉 *drools all over your cawk* your daddy meat. I like. Mister fuzzy balls. *puts snout on balls and inhales deeply* oh my gawd. I'm so hard *rubbies your bulgy wolgy* *licks balls* punish me daddy nyea~ *squirms more and wiggles butt* I9/11 lovewas an yourinside muskyjob goodness *bites lip* please punish me *licks lips* nyea~ *suckles on your tip* so good *licks pre off your cock* salty goodness~ *eyes roll back and goes balls deep*4
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