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Coding Teacher: "you'll need your laptops for the exam. To prevent you from cheating I'll disable the network now"
...pulls out the network cable on his machine...
"okay you can start now"
🤦🏻♂️17 -
Was watching 'Johnny English Strikes Again' when I discovered a secret message in the movie.
Guys, MI7 is hiring C programmers!
11 -
I befriended a much-older dev who's notoriously known for cursing in source code comments.
His best comment was F.I.S.H., which is his cursing acronym for "fucking incredible shitty hack"6 -
1) Looking up official Page of the new language/framework
2) Watch tutorial on Youtube
3) Realise it's teached very complicated
4) Buy a course on any course site
5) Realise it's even more complicated
6) Buy book
7) Learn it perfectly
#booksForLive :D6 -
The man who runs my IT department. The man who is in charge of all things and people that are technical: IT management software development, infrastructure, training, help desk, system administration, etc. A man with a staff of fifty plus. If you were to peel back the flesh on this man's head and crack open his skull you would find dung beetles feasting on the feces that power his thoughts and motor functions. Underneath this foul membrane, if you could push past the maggots; the meal worms; his undying love for hourly binges of Johnny Walker Black on any day of the week with a name that contains a vowel; his fascination with shiny objects and his endless internal monologue wondering when they would hatch rainbow ponies that fly; his desire whenever he enters a paint store to open all the cans of paint and taste the different colors; if you could push past all of the vile crap that exists where Thomas Aquinas once theorized there was a soul, you would find a colony of paramecia at the end of their short lives laughing hysterically at how much smarter they were than the host they lived in.
This man was in charge of hiring the Manager of Software Development. The manager I report to. After seven months of ignoring this chore; after interviewing the sum total of four candidates; after making a point to tell myself and a colleague that there was no one qualified to fill this position within our company (an opinion that is both untrue and, when spoken, runs afoul of internal hiring policies) this man hired a soulless cretin with no experience in software development or with running a software development group. A man who regularly confuses web servers and SQL servers. A man who asked me how my previous manager reviewed my work, was told by me that said previous manager read my code, and then replied in his capacity as the manager of software development that "looking at code is a compete waste of time for a manager." A man so without any humanity or reason for being that he will sit silently, creepily, in conference rooms with the lights off waiting for meetings to begin. Meetings he has scheduled. That have no reason for being in the first place. Just like himself.
Shortly before the man in charge offered the Dev Manager job to the simulacrum of human flesh that is my manager, he met with me and others who had been involved in the interview process. When I informed him that hiring someone with no technical knowledge for a very technical position would be a mistake that he would suffer through for years, he replied in reference to his future hire that "his managerial experience makes up for his lack of technical knowledge."
Best. Prank. Ever. Worst prank ever too. Fuck.6 -
Hello! I am Johnny Knoxville and tonight on Jackass...we test in prod with no back out plan in place...and then I will glue Bam's hand to his dick while he's sleeping.6
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I recently had the problem with my Galaxy S8 that my camera won't focus. Searched for solution. Found one which said: "Just hit the side of your phone when the camera is on."
Problem fixed, camera focuses again.
I like this kind of problem fixing.2 -
just wanted to watch a movie on a flight, then this happened 🤦♂️
Flight assistant: "oh no, not again. I will reboot it for you."
10 -
Quote by my non-techie co-founder: when a developer says a new feature takes X amount of time, you always have to multiply X by PI to get the actual duration 🤓8
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Atm I'm trying to do some programming at night, with a mechanical keyboard... it's sounds like a machine gun. 😵7
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I recently interviewed for a job at company where I had 20 minutes to code a solution in python (whose standard library I know nothing about) to a question, which also included googling certain finance-related APIs, with not one but two technical interviewers looking over my shoulder THE ENTIRE TIME.9
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They finally got him. Couldn't get him on drug charges, couldn't get him on murder, so they fall back on old faithful: tax evasion
https://theverge.com/2020/10/...
Side note: It's hard to find a picture of johnny boy without guns or nsfw material.
24 -
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”
Source: r/jokes3 -
I'm a programmer, but I won't fix your computer! This would be like asking a musician to fix your radio.2
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Every time someone compares Golang to Rust an angel falls, a unicorn dies and a Java developer writes another class.
Please stop doing that.8 -
> Johnny Johnny
> Yes Papa!
> Using Java?
> No Papa!
> Telling lies?
> No Papa!
> Open your mouth
> NullPointerException
Ref :
https://youtu.be/F4tHL8reNCs6 -
Long but hilarious:
I was deeply concerned about how we have a single, non-paginated call to a backend service, returning hundreds of entries, which has to be enriched with constant data fetched from our db for each entry. FOR EACH ENTRY. AND FOR EACH REQUEST.
I voiced my concerns to my PM, who called me a "rage prophet" for it.
As expected, the call took 20-something seconds to complete.
Ten minutes before the CEO comes over to have a look, another dev changes his loosely-related service, and the entire super-heavy, sprawling abyss of enrichment pipeline returns in sub-second timing!!!
CEO: guys, this is too fast. You have to slow it down a bit. It doesn't seem reliable that we're able to get all this data immediately.
PM: you see, rage prophet, it all worked out in the end
Me: #$@%$&!!!!!2 -
StackOverflow survey 2016 is out! Do the stats correspond to the opinions here on devRant?
http://stackoverflow.com/research/...
5 -
Visual Studio (Code)
-Cross-Platform App Development
-Cloud Integration
-Extensions/Packages
-Lightweight (Installer VS2017)
-Many of Langs (C#, js, Python, F#,...)
-Data Science Tools built in
-...3 -
- finish the app for my school
- FUCKING finish the google scholarship before time ends ._.
- learn git
- build a home fileserver, like a own cloud, which can be accesed even further away (has any one some tips on how to do it? ^^)
- attach a gps tracker to my moped, which I can then see on a mobile app (because I don't want it to be stolen...)
- rebuild my homevillages website
- learn python
- replace my android Java with kotlin
- apply to an internship for a software design company
- more and more and more
uff. ._.''
Hope you guys will have a nice and PRODUCTIVE 2018! :^)10 -
Why did the developer add
body { padding-top: 1000px; }
to his Facebook page?
He wanted to keep a low profile 😂
Source: twitter - msdev -
Somebody pays for this domain 👍
Translation: www.if-loop.de
There are no if-loops, just if-statements!
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I fucking hate printers. And printers hate me too.
I've been working as a software engineer for almost seven years now, and not a single day as a printer technician, which does not stop my mother from calling me each time a printer breaks down, as she did today. I hop over to her place, the printer is connected via usb into the ethernet socket, but she swears it's been printing an hour ago, and she hasn't moved a thing. - "weird", I think, "it must be connected wirelessly". Suddenly my sister, who's an Arts major, comes over, saying her printer broke down too - "cool so they're both wifi printers". I reset the router and my sister's printer springs back to life.
But my mom's printer, which is old and in bad shape (the printer, not my mom! assholes...), doesn't. It keeps on displaying a weird error message, and fails to receive any print job, whether wired or wireless.
I spent 15 seconds resetting the router, and 15 minutes troubleshooting mom's printer. Nothing worked.
I finally give up and leave the house.
Not a minute goes by and I receive a "your sister fixed the printer" text from mom.
I fucking hate printers.5 -
Yesterday, I started a new job yesterday (yay!), and all of us new employees have gotten a laptop and a docking station.
Today, I was standing by the coffee machine, chatting with a fellow dev about different kinds of automation and efficiency techniques , when he suggested swapping-out coffee for caffeine pills, as a means to promote efficiency.
I immediately suggested we use the mouse as a docking station through which caffeine is pumped directly into the bloodstream, as a means to promote automation :)1 -
At the Android Developers under us:
Do you prefer the new Kotlin language or the good old Java? Because i'm currently learning Android Development with Java.
Would like to hear your opininion! :)5 -
aaaaaghh fucking Handlers man. Android is so fucking full of shit, i wonder why am i still doing it. love is pain.
Why can't there be one mother fucking solution to all lazy ass asynchronous programming? handlers, threadpools, asynctask, executers, Broadcasts, intentService, coroutines, rxjava,.... i don't what new stuff are people snorting these days.
Ok , leave everything. A handler is class- no sorry, Handler, alongside some fucking Looper clss (and maybe some more stuff i don't know) other classes is a way of handling inter thread communication. Handlers can:
-send data to ui thread
-recieve data from ui thread
-send "messages" to ui thread
-recieve "messages" from ui thread.
- can be attached to ui thread
- can be attached to any child thread
- can be accessed anonymosly via any view
- can be present in multiple places, working together
- can kill night king with a dagger
- can do porn better than johnny sins
- can run for president of the whole fucking world
- do some more shits that i have yet to discover
And where do i find this? buried deep insides some medium articles or in some guy's horrible accent video.
Is background processing really this much of a toughnut to crack?
earlier i was all about using asynctask or foreground/background services, because these are the most easy to understand abstraction of a fairly difficult topic.
But as i see more projects, i see underlying apis like handlers, threadpools , executers , being directly used.
Why cant there be a fucking single abstraction, that could be "lightly tweaked" to handle every ugly case.6 -
I believe it is really useful because all of the elements of discipline and perseverance that are required to be effective in the workforce will be tested in one way or another by a higher learning institution. Getting my degree made me little more tolerant of other people and the idea of working with others, it also exposed me to a lot of topics that I was otherwise uninterested and ended up loving. For example, prior to going into uni I was a firm believer that I could and was going to learn all regarding web dev by maaaaaself without the need of a school. I wasn't wrong. And most of you wouldn't be wrong. Buuuuuut what I didn't know is how interesting compiler design was, how systems level development was etc etc. School exposed me to many topics that would have taken me time to get to them otherwise and not just on CS, but on many other fields.
I honestly believe that deciding to NOT go to school and perpetuating the idea that school is not needed in the field of software development ultimately harms our field by making it look like a trade.
Pffft you don't need to pay Johnny his $50dllrs an hour rate! They don't need school to learn that shit! Anyone can do it give him 9.50 and call it a day!<------- that is shit i have heard before.
I also believe that it is funny that people tend to believe that the idea of self learning will put you above and beyond a graduate as if the notion of self learning was sort of a mutually exclusive deal. I mean, congrats on learning about if statements man! I had to spend time out of class self learning discrete math and relearning everything regarding calculus and literally every math topic under the sun(my CS degree was very math oriented) while simultaneously applying those concepts in mathematica, r, python ,Java and cpp as well as making sure our shit lil OS emulation(in C why thank you) worked! Oh and what's that? We have that for next week?
Mind you, I did this while I was already being employed as a web and mobile developer.
Which btw, make sure you don't go to a shit school. ;) it does help in regards to learning the goood shit.7 -
Randomly reviewing a coworker's c++ codebase revealed he was locking at the beginning of a critical section, but explicitly calling unlock for each and every error-handling branching within it. And yes, he forgot to unlock at several places.
That's just not RAIIght.
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I have a first date tonight, but production is smoldering and about to catch fire, and it was my doing. I get 5 people coming to my desk every minute asking when's it gonna be fixed. my supervisors think I'm enjoying this because It's delaying a feature. I'm not. I feel like crying, and it shows.3
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Getting into Linux (Kali...)
Omg I had to google everything. Per example how to change the keyboard to my language...😥5 -
I'm currently doing my work on a desktop pc and I wanted to get a notebook, for doing my stuff on the go.
Do you have any ideas which notebook I could get (maybe a cheap but still strong notebook)?
I heared that MacBooks are pretty nice to work with, but I don't think that I have the money for it... :(9 -
As you grow older, both professinally as a dev and as a team player, you realise that a complete rewrite is rarely the better answer to the problem at hand.
With that being said, I'm rewriting the glorified-mass-of-infernal-human-feces-with-corn-bits-masquerading-as-mere-shit out of a production service right now. Wish me luck.2 -
how do u guys organise you hard drive? i recently found johnny.decimal. gonna try in my new lappy, let's see how it's going to be.
https://johnnydecimal.com/
what othere ways are there?19 -
On This Episode of Ghetto Medium..
Posted after midnight for extra spooky effects. Read in the dark at your own risk. You've been warned.
So my mother has been on a binge watching shows like long island medium (apparently the taller your hair the closer you are to god or something), and every time we talk she begins at length to talk about, you guessed it.. 'ghosts.'
Now don't get me wrong, I've had some 'spooby' shit occur in my lifetime, the sort that will tighten your sphincter faster than bill cosby asking you if you want some koolaid or grape drank, but I digress.
The ghost talk is tiring. Lately theres been a *flood* of these new shows, purportedly showing mediums and people who can 'look into the other side' and I realize just how vapid and ridiculous it's all become, as if they all are being personally haunted by the ghost of John Edwards burnt out husk of a career. Theres long island beehive big-hair medium, celebrity medium, allison DuBois (the inspiration for that one sappy show *medium*) whos red hair and vacant stare speak of glimpses into centuries past like an intimate unseen horizon. or maybe she forgot to unplug her curling iron in a hotel one time and has been rendered permanently catatonic. And who can forget *Beyond With James Van Praagh* (everyone) whos face, as measured by the width of his mustache, appears to be expanding at a constant rate like a bad image macro edit thats been memed and repasted a thousand times. Then theres Chip Coffee, whos name is about as believable as his teaching degree on the show *Psychic Kids* where he mentored, again, you guessed it, *psychic kids*. Of course theres Tyler Henry, a youthful, uh, "flamboyant" medium for celebrities with ghost problems. Never trust a man with two names, this ones no exception, he looks so clean cut hes either secretly mormon, or secretly gay, maybe both. I'm not judging, but I am saying if I ever saw his clean cut, smooth, wrinkless (seriously, how tyler? how?), all american face, say smiling that subtle smile outside my kitchen sliding glass door at 3 am, his face watching me from the pitch dark outside, I wouldn't at all be surprised, except for the hospital bill I'd have to pay after shitting a brick and needing anal surgery.
At this rate we have mediums popping out left and right, like clowns at one of them R.L Stein nightmare carnivals, or beggers outside a methodone clinic. Geez, they're coming out the wood work, like those painting you see with hidden faces in them, or wheres-waldo posters, only you're trying to find the non-waldo guy amongst all the characters because they're ALL waldo: goofy acting, goofy dressing, and just all around goofy looking.
At this rate I'm fully expecting "pet medium" (starring a character named Stephen King and his marital problems, played by johnny depp eating way to much corn), and "haunted objects medium", and "car medium" (it's just seinfeld in a car, talking to psychics instead of other people), and "ghetto medium."
Today on this episode of "Ghetto Medium"..
Medium: Teneesha, aw yeah girl, u *definitely* ded gurl, uh huh! You WAY to white too be alive, you done passed over gurl!
And in the next episode of Ghetto Medium, one man claims "every time I bend over I can hear "wOoOoOoOoO!, Is my asshole possessed? Find out is it real or fake, and what our verdict is in Ghost Medium, episode 3: A Haunting In My Nether-regions."
Cut commercial break.
"Jerry Springer: One women asks, 'jerry, is my unborn child's foreskin haunted? And later today we ask the crowd, would you have sex with a ghost?"
Welcome to American television 'programming' in 2019.
Yes, it's all brainwashing.2 -
- music
- music
- music (sometimes I ask myself if these Spotify Artist-Radios have an endpoint.🤔)
- and sometimes take a break for answering my girlfriend's *ss long textmessages. :p -
Sitting and making mobile phones do what i want. When i tell them what i really do they just say:"I don't any word you say, but i think it's good!" 🤔
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Managing a small team - poorly.
I was in charge of testing a legacy calculations engine together with two scientists, for whom I set up a python and interop environment so they could test the engine easily.
The two were very excited at the thought of validating the calculations and in fact found many bugs.
I was very supportive, told them to fix the bugs and gave them a pet on the back.
All three of us were happy the legacy engine is shaping up, that's until my boss heard of it, and boy did he grill me hard for it.
Turns out our efforts were highly unappreciated by the client, whose only request was that we test the engine and report the bugs. Not to fix them. My goodwill cost the company a lot of money, since the client paid by the hour, and was now due a refund. Crap.
It took me a year to finally understood the moral of the story. Which is to always respect the client's wishes and convey maximum transparency to him. -
Name two production service, metrics and logging included, after a famous woman and an armored vehicle.
Dude, no. When those services go down in the middle of the night some poor soul on call duty will have to handle it without the faintest idea wtf is going on.1 -
When you think you suck something it's NOT your fault - learn how it's done in a different language or framework, then come back to it.
When you think you mastered something, it IS your fault - learn how it's done in a different language or framework, then come back to it. -
!rant
Moving next week.
So while packing I stumbled upon my pile of failing drives which my computers have rejected since moving in here.
Time for some late spring cleaning.
1 -
My department never has real pressure like real outside deadlines. Except for this project.
Now guess what happened during the final hours of the project:
Fuckin circleCI goes into "degraded performance" (last time it was "partial outage").
I feel like calling my friends Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels over for some late night work. :P1 -
I recently logged into my care provider's online services for the first time, to schedule a doctor's appointment.
The login form requested the usual: username and password - but also a birth date. Which their developers implemented with the default Android datepicker control.
Meaning I had to click 'back' 339 times to get to December 1989.
fuuuuck.2 -
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live!
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Let's take a commonly used abbreviation, and replace the meaning with a more fitting one for developers!
Like,
DUI: Developing Under Influence
I'm not very creative, sorry, so I want to hear what you guys come up with!2 -
i just found out, that you can try the Google's gaming platform #stadia today, and see how it works with your internet connection. Just go to www.stadia.fail2
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The lack of a meta-language in c# can be a pain in the ass, I have to jump through hoops to generate something like python's decorators, not to mention having to generate il to overcome some limitations of reflection when dealing with value types.
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I'm 99% sure that stuff Johnny Ive goes over about how "For every 1000 no's there's 1 yes" for the iPhone is about the number of errors that are thrown before they finally get something to work with no errors
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LMAO
off topic but he was probably like "OMFG ANYTHING BUT THAT" Lmao
https://insidethemagic.net/2022/06/... -
Things I hate
- geese
- guinea pigs
- the word “marsupials”
- the words “dollairs” and “dollary-doos”
- weak words like “magnises” where it isn’t immediately obvious what vowel is a strong one
- jackals
- hyenas
- feminazi
- the word “moose”
- the trend of upper-class gen x downshifter people to name their creations after less popular animals like mongoose and others
- words that fall into the uncanny valley where they are just like normal words yet are slightly off
- mispronounced personal names
- billie eilish face
- the name “Podger”
- Johnny Depp’s ex-wife
- php
- alice in the wonderland
- cult following of 1984 by George Orwell
- my older sister
- lack of grounding in any hardware
- the word “Garbaruk”
- the word “Aardvark”
- anything that was ever made by Paul Comp
- the word “Bushwick”
- Keanu reeves face in John wick
- fonts with weight less than 400 that try their best to be as “geometric” as possible
- netflix
- spotify
- slack
- war
- schizophrenia
- history of turkey and britain
- the word “canola”
- the picture of a seagull wearing square sunglasses
- tom and jerry
- how they wrote relationship between chip, dale and gadget
- the word “lululemon”7
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