Thanks Spotify, I'm really digging your suggested songs!

Updated description!
Fuck Wordpress in the ass with a new kind of cms. Make devs happy with clean code. And Laravel

So a friend of Mine asked me to check their Mail server because some emails got lost. Or had a funny signature.

Mails were sent from outlook so ok let's do this.

I go create a dummy account, and send/receive a few emails. All were coming in except one and some had a link appended. The link was randomly generated and was always some kind of referral.

Ok this this let's check the Mail Server.

Nothing.

Let's check the mail header. Nothing.

Face -> wall

Fml I want to cry.

Now I want to search for a pattern and write a script which sends a bunch of mails on my laptop.
Fuck this : no WLAN and no LAN Ports available. Fine let's hotspot the phone and send a few fucking mails.

Guess what? Fucking cockmagic, no funny mails appear!

At that moment I went out and was like chainsmoking 5 cigarettes.

BAM!

It hit me! A feeling like a unicorn vomiting rainbows all over my face.

I go check their firewall. Shit redirected all email ports from within the network to another server.

Yay nobody got credentials because nobody new it existed. Damn boy.

Hook on to the hostmachine power down the vm, start and hack yourself a root account before shit boots. Luckily I just forgot the credentials to a testvm some time ago so I know that shit. Lesson learned: fucking learn from your mistakes, might be useful sometimes!

Ok fucker what in the world are you doing.

Do some terminal magic and see that it listens on the email ports.

Holy cockriders of the galaxy.

Turns out their former it guy made a script which caught all mails from the server and injected all kind of bullshit and then sent them to real Webserver. And the reason why some mails weren't received was said guy was too dumb to implement Unicode and some mails just broke his script.

That fucker even implented an API to pull all those bullshit refs.

I know your name "Matthias" and I know where you live and what you've done... And to fuck you back for that misery I took your accounts and since you used the same fucking password for everything I took your mail, Facebook and steam account too.

Git gut shithead! You better get a lawyer

Fuck you devrant, pseudo funny remotely devrelated things get more upvotes than juicy outbursts of rage

I need a site with seo and advertisement.

The page should make about 750€ per month. I will only pay after site is complete and pays out.

You will get 150€

If(foo ==exactlyTheValueThatBreaksCodeForNoReason) { return }

My first boss. He sat next to me yelling “Think before you code“, “Hands away from the keyboard“ and stuff like that at me while doing my first few codings ever. He even made me cry from the pressure. Afterwards he bought me a muffin and told me he wants me to be a better programmer than he ever was

Found a private api key on a github project. Created a pull request with key changed to “TH1S5HOULDB3SECR3T!iMBECIL5“ comment was “security fix“ i wonder if they accept

This is dedicated to all Webdevs, especially those WordPress fanboys.

I was reflecting on some things since I do more frequent freelance jobs at the time. And I have to admit: people are fucking crazy.

I had some serious talk with customers and some serious talk for people I work as subsidiary.

The average customer thinks a nice webpage costs I'm 9-50 bucks. They got some shitty Webhosting for 1-5$/month including domain and think they are set.

They have unclear visions about what they actually want, it all boils down to "I like the design". I made a page for someone who just posted images, no text nothing and I told him a trillion times NEEDS some text, even a fucking picture description would be sufficient, else he'll never score anything at google.

Ofc it got denied, now he's bitching how nobody finds the site when they google his name. The other thing is that Wordpress became the solution for everything.

I'm a fucking certified magento developer and I hate magento with a passion. Magento is an overabstracted clusterfuck and believe me, I did the certification I had to learn more than average about the core. But damn, don't slap woocommerce on everything.

Narrowninded fucktards, the cheap out of the box solution isn't always the best.

Don't cry if you got hacked because you were too dumb to upgrade your wordpress. Don't tell me to do some "enhancements" on a server you probably share with 100 other uses. I can't fix your Webserver with your shitty ftp account.

I also hate WordPress with a burning passion. Cum guzzling cavetroll it is. It has it usages, but don't rely on a core So small every kind of extra functionality has to somehow tinkered on it and then expect it to work flawlessly and for 10$ price.

Of course you can buy a theme that, if it would have been special made for you cost 800$ or more, but it wasn't. It just looks like it from the outside. If you want customization you are at the mercy of the option it provides. I can't even tell how many times i spent whole evenings explaining how their shiny template works. Just to do some crazy shit with JavaScript like rearranging domelements because it didn't work as expected.

I still stay to my word. Nothing great has been nor will be created with a Wordpress core. Don't tell me how some great stuff has been achieved. Or wait, please do so. But before you do think about if that wouldn't been faster, cheaper, more reliable , etc... if done with a framework like symphony or laravel... or even zend or cake.

And that brings me back to the point:
Is cheap and "out of the box" really what you need and desire? As customer and as developer?

I let my laptop update Windows for once, so I turned on my Macbook when this happened...

Best licence ever

I fucking hate python and myself even more. Python is easy they say, Python has nice syntax but fuck you . Fuck you seriously I cringe if I see non-c-like syntax. Every time I leave my comfort zone I get fucked over by damn semicolons. Fuck this imports i don't know your damn library. But god damn In far too advanced for hello world. There are two versions and the lib I want to use is incompatible? Well fuck me? That kind of shit never hit me on PHP. Damn me! Fuck you python. I want to know you but you fuck me harder than life. GEHÖRT? DU FICKST MICH HÄRTE ALS DAS LEBEN DU HURENSOHN!!!!

What is even your problem? Indentation? Well thank you for not having braces! I mean come on I try, I really do. I know you are different but every thing I want to learn about you is either for uber beginners or so advanced I don't even know what's going on. Do magical shit in a few lines? What the fuck is in those packages? A wizard full filling whishes like "plz make this work"?

But don't worry you cum snorting unicorn as much as I hate you I'm more mad about me for not being a descendant of fucking slytherin!

"Remove it i don't want it" - display: none !important;

When you see that someone's rant got +19 so you upvote it so they can get stickers

I hate it when clients force me to fix their fucking magentos with crappy javascript fuckarrounds because the shop is already a huge pile of fuck with window resize events fucking up all onservers. 4 jquery includes all messed up fucking each other in a cum gobbling bukkake because you never know which jQuery, $j, jsm or jFuckYou is bound to which library. I know i have to spill my own fuck all over that fuck. Frontpage slider is raping the search results for slides leaving dead meat in the results foreever. Fuck your fucking fuck you fucking fucker.

I just told a colleague of mine, and worst programmer i got to know, to call me the alchemist.
Because I'm the one turning his shit to gold

A CMS raping WordPress so hard up the ass till there is no tomorrow. I hate that bastardized piece of fuck. “Hey I want you to fix my page and its wordpress. I pay 20 bucks.“ Well fuck you too sir. Wordpress is no cms you wanna be coders. Get back to your fucking photoshop and design something original! Every fucking wp page looks the same. Every “nice feature“ is some kind of monkeypatched workarround. No problem i set preview pictures for every post just to enable some weird slider to function.

I also love those buttfucked files with just a “require foo“ which also just requires “bar“. Drop that fuck. Implement autoloading. Nobody uses php4 anymore step into the future. “easy to learn“ fuck me and fuck you untill you vomit jizz! Clusterfucked spaghetticode thats easy, easy to put another rotten load of clusterfuck on top. Also those security features. I put an empty index.php to prevent directory traversal. N I C E! Stop using wordpress as CMS, its a blog engine. Nothing great has every been written on top of wordpress and never will. I dare you to deny everything related to it and if you are one of those designer guyd, you can gargle my jizz you fucknut!

Starting 2017 i will start a counter and rape every 10th Wordpress which gets abused as cms i encounter into oblivion on their 0,99$ webhosting shit.

Fuck this I'm so mad about that crap

Saying that Sharepoint was coded by a bunch of trained monkeys would be an understatement and an insult to monkeys. Why is it such a bloody mess? 😡

What is it with clients who have never even seen a single line of code in their entire lives telling me how long they believe a certain change request should take to code.

I mean, what if I told you that your "seemingly simple enough" change needed an update to 36 class files, 9 oracle stored procedures AND several database schema changes. Also, who the fuck is going to perform a regression test to make sure I didn't break anything? Your Uncle Bob??

Got that colorchanging cup from my girlfriend. I love her and the cup, but.the indentation infuriates me

Sometimes I think back to all the funny shit that happened and how simple stuff fucks everyone

- tired Database engineer deleting (not dropping, literally rm -rf) the database files on the wrong server

- Microsoft delivering viruses through updates

- Pissed and stubborn dev deleting his one line library repo which does something like removing a char left side of string fucking an unmeasurable amount of other projects

- Adobe getting hacked and exposed for storing passwords in plain texts

- a doubled line causing a bug called heartbleed in a fuckton of webservers

- a Tutorial Company getting kicked from github because their repo got so big github staff had to maintain the repo manually

- and an old one: bad code crashed a space shuttle

Starting next week I’m going to be a programming teacher.

Suck my nectar of wisdom!

I copied with ctrl+c
I pasted with ctrl+v
I aborted with ctrl+c

On a windows cmd

I was looking for a part time job when I was 15, knew nothing about coding, got a developer job cause I said I'm keen to learn xD .. 5 years later.. I'm still learning but I have a better knowledge now!

“Never,never, never, NEVER eat raw userinput“

Referring to stuff like “insert into foo (bar) values ($_POST[username])“

THE WORLD IS ON FIRE!

Preface: My company took over another company. A week ago I inherited their IT.

"IT" !!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Their server stood at an ex employees homeoffice. So I drove to her and she had 0 idea about IT. Server was just "Running". I tore that fuck down and saw an aweful lot of Hentai in all home folders.

WTF?!

Not enough, their crm was a makroinfested access table. Shit was protected so I couldn't even edit the makros. The retarded fucktards hardcoded paths to serverside folder \\fuck\you\hard\cavetroll

Just so that server will never see the light of my domain! Damn you? Mothership of sisterfucking dickgirls!

I asked a question at stackoverflow related to MySQL. I tried to explain everything a good as I could.

Now i go for a cigarette and expect a -5 when I come back....

Are we just programmed to stay awake all night? Even if we have nothing to do?

Like, it's 4 a.m. in my country and I just can't fucking sleep! What is this?!

Searching for a lib.
Find it on google code.
Moved to github.
No commit in 5 years.

I'm starting to hate js. Every library needs atleast 1000 other libs. I just blew the node_modules folder to 100mb with just one npm require

This made me laugh so hard

I recently ranted so much about languages but here it goes

JS we need to talk. BECAUSE YOU GOT FAT AND UGLY STUPID BITCH! Dumb piece of bloatware. What even is your problem? Depending on a library for strpad and then blow up like Steve jobs ego. Bastardized fuckfest. I used to like you bro and then you screw me over!
It's like you fuck my wife while I try to fix your car. Why can't you even be usefully on your own anymore? I'd be richer than bill gates if I get a dollar for every damn framework people pull from their asses. Are you writing this fuck while shitting so you can compare colors of your outcome?

Normalize the fucking base, don't add to the bukkakke! bitch is drowning already. Why is everyone jerking of to react and angular? When have YOU written something in vanilla the last time? Why even bother? Remove the core and hardcore every damn framework into the browsers. Guess that saves you 200kb. Oh wait I forgot that's about unminified jQuery.

Now I need to load about 2GB of dependencies, some creating code that puts code in my code to load code out of my code which was generated out of something that remotely resembles JS so every browser is able to execute my fancy shit. But hey, it's fast. And of course there are the fanboys. You are worse than apple fags. You sample your own jizz with your friends in a wine glass. there was a Time it was bad practice to mix logic and view. Now you made it mandatory. "Browser does the rendering" ofc you imbecile pile of fuck don't show me a damn preloader for 1 picture and 20 lines of text. Who fucked your brain so hard?

So react seems to be the cool kid now, then I tell someone I know angular it's like showing up in a pikachu onsie to a formal dinner with the queen.

I used to love you girl. I loved how we could dirty things together. Now you are like a pig. Please loose weight bby the sight of you disgusts me nowadays

Another gold one.

But remember only 500€

When 3/4 of my team gave up and left halfway through. I still don't understand how we ended up with a working prototype in the end.

Hello world!

Bet no one came up with that beauty yet.

So my parents got speakers integrated into their monitor. A few years ago (like 3-4) they made me turn off the sound because it annoyed them since all they did were playing some shitty flash games and some office work. Now they needed the sound back on and this is how it happened.

1. Confirm they plugged the right cable in. I know them so I knew that could be a problem

2. Made them download Teamviewer because I know they can't even doubleclick without guidance

Now the juicy part was to tell them they need to turn on sound on the monitor. As I was watching via teamviewer I saw them trying to click on the menu items from said monitor. Took me 5 minutes to explain that their mouse can't do shit on that because they need to navigate with the buttons underneath the monitor.

Turned out they couldnt get things right and I had no idea what they were seeing because they explanations went like "All I can see is Main Menu and Exit." - "Is that really all dad?" "Yes thats all. Main Menu, Brightness and Exit" turnes out the middle part is interchangable like "Brightness, Saturation, etc..."

After 2 hours I gave up and told them to pick up my speakers tomorrow

“Commit“ sounds like the german “komm mit“(come with me).

NonDev coworker asked me what “Komm mitting“ is

!rant

Hello dear fellow devs, I got some more nice ram and don't need those ram bars anymore. Write why you should receive them and they are on the way. For people outside germany you (unfortunatly) have to cover the shipping costs.

Dualboot? I got them all

Linux (Mint)
Windows 10
OSX hackintosh

I changed my mind
-generic client

If I had a company. I would only accept code for application. Grades, gender, age... i couldn't care less

Create magic from void.... oh wait we even bend void to our will...

Finally found a place for my sticker!

Trying to keep my code clean when once again changed requirements arrive

Fuck me and I was wondering what's eating away 3,1tb.... btw only 40gb left

There are always three questions i get asked when i tell people I'm a programmer:

Can you take a look at my phone/laptop/pc etc...?

Can you hack?

Whats the green stuff from matrix?

I love doing crawlers to test stuff. Client wanted me to crawl his page for certain errors.... seems i ddossed them

12:21 am
Totally gonna work this time

Today I dropped and updated a database to override it with local changes. Turned out the same dB was used by another project.

I just destroyed a week worth of work and content.

Good thing I took a dump before dropping everything. Got it running in 5 Minutes

I can troll all day by opening Devtools on a browser and change <input type=“password“> to <input type=“text“> they think i hacked google, facebook and their email acoount

Everytime I want to use a well recommended library which last commit was two years ago or longer i get suspicious

Regions....

So my real name is jason and I got the habit to use Json as my nickname as a little Dev pun.

I think I overdid it

Just listened to the podcast, Tim rogus known as "T Rogus" no fuck you! You will stay Trogus for me for all eternity!

Computers fear my devaura. Everytime I get called to fix something it magically starts working when I enter the room. 5 Minutes after I leave it broke again.

Repeat like while(true)

The hypetrain has no brakes...

It’s been so long since I posted but this time it’s juicy again.

I got a coworker, no prio experience but already a year and few months into the job. He’s bad.
Magnitudes of bad!

We’re trying to teach him but to no avail. Everything about him sucks, major ballsack to be exact.

His attitude is to avoid every task, finishes nothing and then starts something new.

„Did you do X like we told you to?“
„No I started on Y, because I thought it [looks better, seems more interesting, thought that X is useless…]“

When you ask him much is done he is always „almost“ finished and needs your help on the „last 5-10%“. Yeah fuck that!

But that guy has a talent, his talent is to always give you technically correct answers which actually are complete bullshit.

„What are you doing at your job?“
„Staring at a screen and typing things.“ dude what?

That guy used the excuse „I can’t do maths“ on everything.

For an exam he had to calculate how long it would take to reach a certain amount if you would get some interest in that every year.
He asked the teacher for the formula. During the exam! And when the teacher didn’t want to give it to him he wrote plainly „can’t do maths“ on the paper and left

His code is of a quality as if he would write his first line in a week and then has the audacity to blame me and the colleagues for not explaining it right.

Ok you might think now we’re teaching him bad, or are too impatient. But honestly if you have to explain how to do a for loop for over about 15 months and get that attitude I think you get the right to be angry. I don’t mind explaining on how things work, even for the hundredth time, but then don’t tell me you understood, go behind my back, complain at a colleague how bad I explained, get explained by him and then do it again until you whored yourself through the whole staff!

It’s like he got the mind swiper from Men in black at home. Every day he hits the reset button.

He had a week of just changing indentation on a html file. Why? Because he wanted to find his style.

Yeah his style

if(a==b){
console.log(a);
}
else {
console.log(b)
}

And to produce code like that it takes him atleast 4 hours of trial and error.

And at the same time he goes arround and boasts what a super good programmer he his and that he can do some project work for them.
How we found out? Because he started working in those projects during work time at the office and asked us how to do things.
And he does so like a complete bastard!
Broken sql query? “No that query is perfect as it is, it’s supposed to show no results! But, just in theory, if I wanted to show some results, what would I need to change?”

I’m so mad about it and pissed on a personal level because he goes around blames everyone and the world for his short comings

I just switched to iOS and it's being an amazing experience.
So great to finally have access to all my files, and personalize my device as much as I want.
And it has no virus so it's all good news.

Everytime I see anything with 404 i expect it to break

That moment when you're very happy you just completed a hard Haskell kata in CodeWars, with 8 lines, three functions, a lot of functional concepts (which would take at least 30 lines in Java or C#) and they show you the top voted solution by another user with JUST TWO LINES and a lot of function composition.

Oh simple

-get idea
-think it's Great
-fiddle around
-research it
-done multiple times
-bail

Code like this makes me shed a tear in nostalgia... also I want to murder somebody for still putting that in tutorials

A few years ago I worked at company specialized in Magento(eCommerce) and Magento was changing their licensing model. At the time they had 3 Versions. Community(free), Pro and Enterprise.

They decided to ditch Pro and either make all migrate to Enterprise(with a discount) or go community which wasn’t really compatible. So some shops were in need of a more or less complete rewrite.

My hdd crashed literally the day before but hey no big deal everything is 99% done and on staging. So I had a Trainee at that Time and thought the last few crappy things could be done in pair programming so he can learn a few things.

But fuck him! That motherfucker! He managed to WIPE the staging server and no that was at a time without gut and no SVN. That dipshit just deleted 2 months of work because he thought it was a good idea to SYNC his empty project to the staging system.

Oh god I nearly stabbed him. He did that shit out of his own mind even though I told him a dozen times what would happen... we had to do the whole thing again with me sitting next to him watching every stroke he made.

Guess he learned something while inward silently raging the next weeks.

!rant

Looked into browser jank and how to optimize large lists of images in a scrollbox, went from 20fps while scrolling to ~60fps ❤️

Had to submit a form and couldn't because of some js errors. I hacked my way through with the console to submit none the less

So our company wants us to start learning/sharpening our Python skills for work. We signed up for CodeWars and ran through our first Kata today. I'm excited to learn, but I don't have any actual experience with anything but HTML/CSS and super basic JS for just things like animation... I feel like such a fucking moron trying to work through this Kata. Because our manager wanted us to only spend like 15-20 minutes on it. I spent over 4 hours trying to figure out the right place to even start, even with reading documentation and trying to find similar examples online and after 4 headsmashingly long hours I couldn't even get an idea of how to tackle the problem.

Watching python videos to try and figure this out...

I hate people ranting about “Uhh thats not responsive I sent a screen how I imagined it.“

Open Screen, 1918x703 px WIDE.

Explained for an hour that thats not fucking responsive. Nobody could see or read that even if I were to implement. Responsive fucking means text breaks BELOW the damn pictures to make it readable. I will never fit that on an iphone or something unless he pays extra so i can perform dark magic to force vertical view on some devices and put 100 alert functions that the device is not supported by the site.

Im so mad fuck him and fuck me

Find 1000 ways to solve a problem

I dont like coffee.

Code in index.php: if(!isset($_COCKIE['access'] == '123') {
echo 'Denied'; die;
}

And then there was the access.php which set the cookie.

So you had to go to foo.com/access.php which displayed a white page and set the cookie. Then navigate back to foo.com for access

Junior dev here. Finishing a boot camp, actively going through a few job application processes.
One of the companies has given me a tech assignment (for a Graduate Junior position, mind you) that was titled Full Stack Mid Level Challenge. It took me a week to build an app they asked and do analitycs and refactoring of the second part of the task (I only had late evenings free to dedicate to that), it was my first time doing back-end in Node (my boot camp teaches PHP) so I basically learned to do it while doing this challenge.
They asked testing and clean architecture.
I submitted the assignment (I thought I would die while doing it, exhausted, I think I was brain dead for a short perio of time, but I submitted it on time).
They got back to me and we had already have a tech interview with the Leads that had live coding at the end. Don't have feedback yet, really won't be surprised for whatever comes, it was literarly my first interview, treating it like a valuable learning experience.

But. This rant is not about this. Thsi is just to put you in my mood.

This is the !rant:

My classmate from the bootcamp is probably already hired, or will be one of these days. As a tech challenge she was asked to do FizzBuzz kata. I repeat, FizzBuzz bloody kata!
Now, I am very happy for this person, the situation is complicated and this job is extremely needed.

But, please, explain to me, HOW??? How is it possible that selection criterias vary that much?

End of rant. Thank you very much.

Everytime I work on stuff deep in the core of an application i feel like performing heartsurgery

How tell me apart from the other departments?

It's so cold inside my office it creates fucking WIND when you open my door

Everyone else calling his private projects folder “graveyard“?

Well I was not actually in this meeting but I had to prepare everything so the CEO could show the new software to the employees and when I saw him clicking on stuff and it wasn't working... I was like: it works on my machine! After a little while I found out that I didnt push it to demo so it was still not updated..
Oh that embarrassing moment when I had to go to the room and say: refresh the page please!!

Function works() {
Try {
HorriblyDyingCode();
Return true;
} catch (Exception e) {
Return false;
}
}

creating code for years it feels much like programming boiled down to using frameworks...

I can't believe it is real: I just had to talk someone out of calling a navigation point "FAQ User"

Had to admit I'm from Germany and so was the client. It's quiet common people pronounce FAQ as fuck here

One thing that is really difficult is when you are writing let's say C code for months, and then you switch to C# or Python, you immediately use C-style logic and forgo the easier, shorter Python syntax!

I did a python kata on the Codewars website. After submitting it, I realized my solution was like 10x longer than every other solution. Talking about hand in face.

Stuck to basics and forgot about Python's amazing shortcuts. What are you going to do!

I just broke a magento store by registering a resize event on the window with jquery.

Wtf

Watch your shell. Someone did it again.

Sysadmin grilled s3 with a typo in his command, shutting down whole subsystems of amazons infrastructure

Had a client whom was using the staging system on my server as cdn, remote computing, etc... because his prod server was a cheap vhost while the vm was a beast compared to it. I shut it down without telling. I just got a call that his site is now slow a f and full of errors.

I kindly told him that there was a recent security breach called dirty cow. Then I told him that I shut the vm down because it would mean security risk for him since there are no patches available yet and only Power on again with there was work for me to do.

If you want resources pay for them

I prefer doing a kata on code wars than working on stupid email templates

Sharepoint. 😭

Yesterday i went coding, tired as hell. I told myself “Atleast i get smth done“ i was wrong. Redid everything and now expect many merge conflicts when i get home

Was rushed to write a crappy massmailing for super urgent newsletter, had to be finished in 20 minutes. Last 5 minutes i had to rewrite half of it. Told them its rushed, testet and crappy.

Mailed the stuff anyway. Every Email got the same dynamic string in subject.

Looked at code, was setting the subject 2 lines above the loop.

Sorry guys, dont rush me next time

A few years ago:

Installing Visualstudio 2008 on Xp.

Pc is laggy as f.
Start browsing nsfw to kill time and boss comes over. Try to close browser and not working. Start to panic a bit. Boss comes over looking at black boxes.

Pictures didnt render. I was so lucky

I really want to dive deeper in other languages. But everytime I see something with a not c-like syntax i can't muster the resolve to dive in.

Any advice to overcome that?

Trying to learn something new.
Find a library in a foreign language. It's c++.
Unable to include lib.
Copy contents
Try absolute path
Compiler gives me the finger
Abandon project

I like js. I can fix errors the backend provides

Hello dear fellow programmers,

Lately I'm faced with an issue: i can't code. It takes me a really long time to get my codeengine running and it stops on the first occasion, it either be a cigarette pause, a question from a coworker or what ever.

I love code and I have a blast when I start but I have a hard time starting it.

What to do? I'm a bit at a loss here

I was hired to work on an Android application written in java. Spent three months working on a project written in C++ instead. Needless to say I had no prior experience with C++ at that time.

!rant

Installed a json formatter chrome extension. Life is changed forever.

!rant

I've been looking for an open source bugtracker. The Idea is to make it public and lets clients submit their tickets. I looked at redmine and truth be told: I can't do the ruby,so it dropped. Bugzilla? Well... please no. Flyspray.... well we tried but don't get along. I stuck with mantis2 because it's the only thing with eyecandy i've found even though the source is a hellish mix of 1000+ lines of wild php and html mixes. The rest either doesn't fit or looks too old. I also don't mind throwing a buck or two but i want to run it on my own server and do fancy stuff to it if i want to.

I took a project. Wild mix of php and html including db stuff and data processing. About 200 files, some 3000+ lines long with if else cases processed in another template/logic behemoth...

I wrote a js file included it at the footer of the monster and update dom + data via ajax on my own api implementation because I'm too afraid to write in any of those files.

I've been told its quality code and well documented

I hate people. I show them devrant or try to abstract a problem to a everyday problem people still reply with "I don't know computers" ignorant fucks.

We had serverside profiles at school. And at one day someone forgot to sign off. So me, the bored dev apprentice, wrote a cmd Programm which spammed every folder with a txt file with contents like "Sign off next time!" Then wrote that sentence to a desktop file until the drive was full.

They had to restore a server backup since that appearantly fucked the system

We are dependent on dependency injection and package management... which also comes with a lot of dependencies installed by another package manager

Coursemates tried to convince me that putty was the programming language we were learning in our Intro to Programming class, not C. I thought they were joking, turns out they were dead serious.

Deadline in 2 weeks.

Starting and finishing in the last day

File_put_contents + file_get_contents from php because i'm too lazy for fopen and stuff

Beeing sick means forced homeoffice...

If sublime got more tabs than chrome shit got real

I never set foreign keys in development in case I need to wipe or truncate stuff. Fuck you sql

EVP handed us a packet for some salesforce "low code application" and "citizen developer" bullshit. What is this garbage? Who's trying to weasel into my space? Now we are obliged to learn and use this restrictive "low code" framework instead of doing what we already know, because management types and IT guys cannot compile C#.

I have no idea how to make custom images so i keep a txt file for “apt-get install“ or “yum install“

“My whatever isnt working“
“Was there an error message“
“Yes“
“What was it?“
“I dont know I dismissed it“

FML

When a semi-popular CSS framework uses !important way more than it should..

Some words just aren't the same anymore. Sometimes i replay in a dumb manner.

For those who ever tried to find and/or implement a crm: everything seems to be based on that bastardized vtiger core which is based on an old version of sugarcrm I'm so fucking tired of that shit. I gonna make my own. The underlying framework makes me sick to the bone. Everything in there relies heavily on magic. Being arround for years and just recently got a new major release yet unable to transfer offer items to the invoice even though it requires a relation?

This is not blunt talk. My thing is based on Laravel, EAV principle for dynamic fields, module code structure, interface for the list view and many other stuff is already integrated. This is gonna be done and will be done because existing stuff is so fucking ugly and broken I can't fathom myself.

Btw I still need a name

PS: I hate smarty, PearDb and their fucking database layout

function() {
}

Fucking behemoth(check the collab)

I have something ethnical controversal in the making. I learned to shut up about the project. That's how i learned people fear and hide a lot

I never set sql indices on dev env because it's easier to wipe the db without

I once had a colleague ranting about my variable naming because it went out of bounds on his IDE's printmargin. To please him i wrote minified code while pair programming

Is masonry the Tetris of divs?

Fuck you sophos. Fuck you hard. I moved a server to a new datacenter and it worked like a charm. Thank you windows and hyper-v. BUT! BUUUUUUT my fucking sophos worked like shit. Blocking everything by default? Yeah fuck you. Reconfigured everything. Still blocked and why? Forward “all“ doesnt mean forward all. Had to apply rules from port tcp 1 - 65335 and udp 1-65335. Nice you piece of fuck.