Client: Can I speak to the developer responsible for my website?
Developer: Speaking...
Client: You have a deep voice for a 5 year old.

Apple, which dumb fuck thought this would be good? ok new mouse, no more batteries it can be charged on a wire, cool you may think, until it actually needs charging and you discover that the charging port is on the bottom, making the mouse unusable whilst charging!!!

When you try and edit a CSS file you did 3years ago.

Many, many years ago, Apple had this software you could install which allowed you to take full control of someone else's machine. Well, my mate who was a designer worked in a different office downstairs. I was often in their fixing stupid shit problems. While he was out on lunch, i installed and configured the software on his mac. After lunch I went back upstairs and watched his every move on my mac. He was in adobe inDesign creating some design for a brochure. He was in a text box changing the heading, i seized the opportunity and took control typing in the text box "i am a useless cunt", pissing myself, I then selected the text and increased the size and made it bold... then the phone rang.

I was at Leeds Central train station the other day, waiting for the platform to be announced on the screen in the main bit. I noticed a commotion to my right. There was a teenage girl screaming and writhing around on the floor, her mother was knelt on one knee trying to calm her. I walked over without thinking, I know nothing about Epilepsy or first aid, at a push I could probably figure out the recovery position from a faint diagram i have stored in the unused part if my brain...

(it’s where I keep the washing machine instructions, which incidentally were designed for maximum confusion, if Id designed a washing machine it would have 1 button labelled ‘wash’)...

Sorry, back to the story. So i walked over and just before I got there, with the mother looking directly at me, I realised, what the fuck am I doing, meanwhile the daughter was screaming still and writhing, a bit like a rapid angel print you would make in the snow as a kid (until your hand touched the dog shit).

I couldn’t help it, the words just came out, like a dumb fucker, i said ‘Has she got epilepsy?’ , i stood there waiting for the sarcastic comment or the murderous stare, even a fuck off would suffice, so that I could remove myself from the situation.

To my surprise, and shock, she looked at me, calmly and said “oh no, it’s not epilepsy or anything like that.... she’s lost her iPhone”.

fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking clients!

I had to open the desktop app to write this because I could never write a rant this long on the app.

This will be a well-informed rebuttal to the "arrays start at 1 in Lua" complaint. If you have ever said or thought that, I guarantee you will learn a lot from this rant and probably enjoy it quite a bit as well.

Just a tiny bit of background information on me: I have a very intimate understanding of Lua and its c API. I have used this language for years and love it dearly.

[START RANT]

"arrays start at 1 in Lua" is factually incorrect because Lua does not have arrays. From their documentation, section 11.1 ("Arrays"), "We implement arrays in Lua simply by indexing tables with integers."

From chapter 2 of the Lua docs, we know there are only 8 types of data in Lua: nil, boolean, number, string, userdata, function, thread, and table

The only unfamiliar thing here might be userdata. "A userdatum offers a raw memory area with no predefined operations in Lua" (section 26.1). Essentially, it's for the API to interact with Lua scripts. The point is, this isn't a fancy term for array.

The misinformation comes from the table type. Let's first explore, at a low level, what an array is. An array, in programming, is a collection of data items all in a line in memory (The OS may not actually put them in a line, but they act as if they are). In most syntaxes, you access an array element similar to:

array[index]

Let's look at c, so we have some solid reference. "array" would be the name of the array, but what it really does is keep track of the starting location in memory of the array. Memory in computers acts like a number. In a very basic sense, the first sector of your RAM is memory location (referred to as an address) 0. "array" would be, for example, address 543745. This is where your data starts. Arrays can only be made up of one type, this is so that each element in that array is EXACTLY the same size. So, this is how indexing an array works. If you know where your array starts, and you know how large each element is, you can find the 6th element by starting at the start of they array and adding 6 times the size of the data in that array.

Tables are incredibly different. The elements of a table are NOT in a line in memory; they're all over the place depending on when you created them (and a lot of other things). Therefore, an array-style index is useless, because you cannot apply the above formula. In the case of a table, you need to perform a lookup: search through all of the elements in the table to find the right one. In Lua, you can do:

a = {1, 5, 9};
a["hello_world"] = "whatever";

a is a table with the length of 4 (the 4th element is "hello_world" with value "whatever"), but a[4] is nil because even though there are 4 items in the table, it looks for something "named" 4, not the 4th element of the table.

This is the difference between indexing and lookups. But you may say,

"Algo! If I do this:

a = {"first", "second", "third"};
print(a[1]);

...then "first" appears in my console!"

Yes, that's correct, in terms of computer science. Lua, because it is a nice language, makes keys in tables optional by automatically giving them an integer value key. This starts at 1. Why? Lets look at that formula for arrays again:

Given array "arr", size of data type "sz", and index "i", find the desired element ("el"):

el = arr + (sz * i)

This NEEDS to start at 0 and not 1 because otherwise, "sz" would always be added to the start address of the array and the first element would ALWAYS be skipped. But in tables, this is not the case, because tables do not have a defined data type size, and this formula is never used. This is why actual arrays are incredibly performant no matter the size, and the larger a table gets, the slower it is.

That felt good to get off my chest. Yes, Lua could start the auto-key at 0, but that might confuse people into thinking tables are arrays... well, I guess there's no avoiding that either way.

New French Law Makes It Illegal To Email Employees After Work Hours

I shall refer to the client as cunt for the purposes of this rant. All design work signed off. Near completion of project, cunt sends an email moving stuff around and changing the design. I send the cunt an email telling him that I will review his requests and send a quote through detailing cost implications and extra time added to his deadline to complete. Cunt says he wasn't aware there would be extra costs. I refer the cunt back to the quote and contract which clearly distinguishes the design phase and build phase explaining change control. Not heard back from said cunt.

Never put more than 1 sentence in an email. People never fucking read more than the first line. Then they fire back an email with questions you already answered. Arghhh bastards.

Big day today for the UK. I hope we stay, the future's bleak if we don't. I'm IN. Damn those outers.

What’s wrong with me?... Found myself spreading my finger and thumb on some food packaging cooking instructions hoping to zoom in and read it.

Nobody proof reads anymore. It pisses me off. News sources with obvious spelling and grammatical mistakes. It seems that it is acceptable on the internet to not give a fuck.

I’ll start...
.asp : A Shit Pile
.js : Just Shit
.css : Create Shit Screens

Another fucking twat asking for a responsive html email when they are targeting outlook. IT USES THAT HEAP IF SHIT WORD AS A RENDERING ENGINE WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT! It's bad enough having to code them up using fucking tables and spacer gifs. Why do IT people stick religiously to Microsoft heap of shit applications... Oh I know it's because they are so fucking shit that it needs a full time twat just to get them through the fucking day. Fuck Microsoft. I guess you can sense I'm having a bad day, especially when my broadband decides to pack in, on and off all fucking day and the support twat puts me on hold then fucks off. FML

What happens when you talk to clients.

Thinking of auto adding ‘you dumb fuck’ to every email I send to a client. Fucking useless time wasting bastards.
Example: I’ve forgotten my password for the cms can you send me a link to reset it.

The login page has a link clearly labelled ‘forgot password?’.

I send a screen grab with a big red circle around the link and some polite text, which I was desperate to add ‘you dumb fuck’

I fucking hate Christmas.

When the client rings up saying the website is down. I say can you see any other sites. They say, no, nothing is coming up. It's your internet connection, kindly fuck off!

What the fuck is wrong with the designers? We have had meetings with the client, a proposal drawn up, a project spec written, budget agreed, witeframes drawn up exactly to spec. Designer involved in all stages for input and ideas. Now the designers have the wireframes, they are supposed to create based on these. No they make up what goes on the pages that bare no resemblance to the wireframes in terms of requirements. I am fucking fuming. I have sent the designs back with a note. Please provide designs based on the wireframes.

When you read those job ads "Must be able to work well under pressure and to tight deadlines in a busy office etc.."
Who would willingly walk in to such a shitty role. Perhaps if they fired the management things would improve.

class devRant_member:
def __init__(self, name):
self.name = name
def say_hi(self):
print( "Hello world, I'm ", self.name)

p = devRant_member("Blacksteel")
p.say_hi()

Yes! Just installed my old screen saver from about 15 years ago. It's the matrix one, it's updated to work with El Capitan.

<?php

$a = 'abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ1234567890!. ';

$message = $a[7 + 26].$a[4].$a[11].$a[11].$a[14].$a[64].$a[22 + 26].$a[14].$a[17].$a[11].$a[3].$a[52 + 10];

echo $message;

Urgent email, there's a problem. Fix the problem instantly and email back. No fucking response.

Fuck these stupid frustrating trends. It drives me fucking crazy. Scrolling a website and sections overlap each other, text flying in as you scroll, stuff fading in, images moving over text panels. FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!! I want to read the content, I don't want to feel sick and confused. Clients - DO NOT SEND ME A LINK TO THIS KIND OF WORTHLESS SHIT, SAYING 'I WANT IT LIKE THIS'.
Used sparingly and intelligently, animation can add to the UX, but it rarely is.
Remember the 90's when lazy designers used the photoshop bevel and emboss filter on every fucking thing, the web was contaminated. Cunts.

HI there
First post always feels like the first lines of code or first commit ever ! It's exciting yeah ?
Like Hello World app
Wish me luck

Can't argue with that. :-)

This run up to Christmas is the shit. Everything is suddenly urgent. No time to do a proper job. If that isn't bad enough, you are also tasked with thinking up some ideas for family Christmas presents, as if i give a flying fuck. I dont mind the break for the holidays but i fucking hate Christmas but have to put a brave face on and celebrate (what exactly am i celebrating). And no scrooge comments please.

Not necessarily on here, but Devs tend to bitch about designers and their lack of basic dev skills/understanding (talking about webdev). But when devs try to design it usually ends with a horrendous piece of visual garbage. Respect each others profession and the outcomes will be better. That's why Apple is now one of the most envied companies on the planet.

It came to me, a brilliant idea, a simple solution to an everyday problem and easy route to market. Great, starts looking for domains and writes down idea in full in case i forget. Later that day, picks up 12 year old son from school, tells him my great idea. He told me how shit it was and why straight away.

Playing email tennis with a client trying to get to the specifics of a vague initial request. Difficult to do without being patronising and condescending. Having to read and edit my emails to make them believe that I don't think they are a useless fucking incompetent twat.

Goodbye google+, you were totally shit and no-one used you. Piss off now.

Client wanted a website to offer rentals for her collection of student rental properties. She was adamant and stipulated that it had to be the Rightmove of student lets. I asked her if she had a £million plus budget for the marketing and then some for the infrastructure and mobile app development. She disapeared. Months later I checked the URL she had purchased and it had been done as a free site on wix.com and was a dreadful piece of shit. You just know instinctively that a client is going to be worthless.

How long will it be before clients "get it" the web is a fluid medium it can't and shouldn't be fixed like ink on paper. Unless I do your website as a set of jpegs, you dickhead.

I often find that deadlines are "conjured up" with no bearing on the tasks at hand. It has to be done by this date because the Client goes to France for 2 weeks. Piss off.

Microsoft just bought LinkedIn. Time to delete my account methinks.

Why do clients send everything embedded in a word document. Can you send me the jpeg? I receive a word document. (It's always word 2003 for some reason).

Mobile first for web

When clients say "I want this done in Wordpress" my stock answer (usually just in my mind) is "Do you mean Turdpress?"

hello_devRant

Clients having conversations in their own head then claiming you were there when they said (imagined) it.

useless fucking client bastards. i sent an email to all clients 2 months ago about gdpr and the impending deadline. Explaining that they need to update privacy and check webforms and internal procedures etc are compliant. I said I would help them implement any changes to their respective sites. Heard nothing from these fuckers... except this morning an email “what does the new gdpr mean for our website?”
FUCK OFF AND READ MY EMAIL, FOLLOW THE LINKS DO THE RESEARCH AND FUCKING SORT YOUR CUNTING SELVES OUT, I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING LAWYER.

html email test sent to client:
Client: Great but I can't see any images.
Me: You may have "load images" disabled in your email client/preferences.
Client: (a few hours later) can you make it so that the images appear even if "load images" is disabled?

Talk about data protection, I am fucking furious!! A hotel i stayed in recently has sent an email with a scan of my passport and credit card. Do I have any legal rights to fuck them up the arse? The hotel is in france.

Why do they send flat colour logos as fucking jpegs? Indexed png or gif unless you like the artifacting on your shit logo, dickbrain.

It makes me shudder when clients use "pages" to describe a website project and its size.

Curious. Who uses .jpeg instead of .jpg and is that because your software is defaulted that way. It just bugs me.

FFS, just because they do it that way on a competitor website doesn't mean it is either good, right or the best way to do it. My next door neighbours car number plate is held on with gaffa tape, im not about to copy that and suggest everyone should do it. Dim fucking irrational, know it all clients. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!! From my research i could probably run your business better than you anyway, your whole fucking outlook is fundamentally flawed. Cunts!

There was this senior designer many years ago that used to come in late everyday, do fuckall except piss everyone off and then spend the majority of her day on the phone organising her social life. We all hated her, and she knew it. This one day she came in and resigned. As we were all Mac, we quickly invented a nickname for her which was "Type 11" in the old Mac days this error was "Unexpectedly Quit". The sad thing was she was best mates with the owners wife. Everyone in the office was questioned about their meanness and nasty vibes. She didn't quit it was just to get back at us for hating her. 12 years on, I'm self employed and she does marketing in a manufacturing co. We get on really well and she gives me good work. Moral: I have no fucking idea what life is about.

Clients r wankers. He wants to be able to send login details incl passwords in email to his clients when he adds them in the cms. The passwords are encrypted and generated on creation of a new user. Ive told him that sending credentials in email is shit and not secure. The stubborn bastard wont budge, so instead i've put explicit instructions to reset password once logged in with the credentials they send. Any other suggestions?

The piece of shit ‘edge’ is now available on Mac... Yippee!

o2 business login. The whole interface is built in flash. Fucking Flash! Can't even login! No fallback. WTF!!! Useless piece of shit bastards.

It’s my birthday today and I shall be doing fuck all, just like I have for all my others.

Client: can you put the instagram icons on our websites.
Me: yes, could you send me the links?
Silence for 2 weeks.
Waiting for a bollocking now and I just know it's going to be my fault. Why are people such wankers. I fucking hate my job, the part that involves interacting with wankers with huge egos and no clue about anything.

Radio Fucking One. Shit music and Dick heads talking about TV programmes involving the fake tanned brain dead chavs dating/talking about each other and this bollocks is contaminating our youth and should be stopped. Bastard shit bollocks.

Back in the day, it was a kind of unwritten rule that you would ++ the ranter when you posted a comment on their rant... or was that just me?

I'm a stupid twat. Spent at least three hours today, all wasted. I had to update a user manual and change all the branding for a system I've licencesd and going to resell to my dumb clients. There was no original to work from only a pdf. Managed to convert it to word but all the formatting was fucked. So set up some heading and paragraph styles, proper header and footer and auto generate TOC's. I did all this without actually reading it, thought I'd get the formatting and branding out of the way first. So after all that I started the job of editing it and updating it. Quickly realised that PDF I converted was for a different but similar system. Tommorow is Groundhog Day.

Got my stickers this morning!

Get an email from a client, who has been stringing me along for about 6 months, but ringing me up for advice on tonnes of different shit for free. Basically did his original website but his business model has changed to make his existing site irrelevant. Suggested months back doing a simple one pager as a stop gap with key messages. The bastard said no to that "just take it down for now and redirect to my LinkedIn page". He keeps saying we are getting stuff together and we hope to get together in September. However, yesterday he sends an email "we are getting a student in over the summer (not a Dev or designer or anything). Could you recommend any "web builders" so we can get on with the website in August. By that he means those drag and drop fucking pieces of shit website templates full of wysiwyg editors for creating shit typography. I give them free help and guidance and they think that I'm not going to want to smash him in his fucking face for his last email. The cunt.
I have an idea for 'having the last laugh' but I am open to suggestions from some devRanters, all legal of course.
P.S. I post quite a bit here about shitty clients, but I do have a number of really good clients who value my work and experience and have been with me for many years. It's just some that treat the profession with disdain and that they can easily do it themselves if only they had the time. These fuckers then wonder why their businesses fail.

Firefox is a useless piece of shit on Mac.

Arghhh, noisy bastards, people who slurp their coffee instead of just fucking drinking it. Fuck off away!

A lesson I learned. Clients can't separate design from functionality. They will piss and main about a feature not working right when what they really mean is the aesthetic is not to their liking.

When you've finished a project and the site goes live, you get a message from the client "looking good". To me that implies it's not finished, and I'm expecting a follow up message "can you just..."

Had to ring the UK tax office, have to pay a sizeable amount by 31st Jan, but I have spent any savings on essential living based shit. I was dreading the call, but best to do it before 31st or you get an instant £100 fine. Well I was totally shocked to find a really lovely lady on the other end, she was most helpful and not like the cunt I got a few years back. It just goes to show that two people doing the same job with the same procedures and outcomes, 1 can be a complete cunt and the other kind and compassionate. Moral, there’s no need to be a cunt.

I did a site for a hotel many years ago. They recently had it redone as a Turdpress site, it was terrible, I have just checked today and it redirects to a facebook page. Wondering if this is a trend that I am not aware of. The facebook page, however doesn’t sell the hotel like the website does/can.

Can you make my shitty campervan into a 6 bedroom mansion with en-suite bathrooms, a games room and an indoor pool. Mobile first... go fuck yourself!!!!!!!

Spend way too much time crafting email responses, littered with subtle sarcasm and hints at their total incompetence with a gentle push in to what they should be focusing on, instead of sending ridiculous half baked fucking foolish requests.

Being woken up in the afternoon by a client phone call, mouse in hand and a long line of spaces in your code. The benefits of self employment.

Not happy about the modern wave of apps producing really long file name suffixes rather than trying to stick to just 3. For example .afphoto. It doesn't appeal to my OCD nature.

Social Media. I have had the same message for 16 years from Linkedin ‘4 people visited your profile’. I still don’t give a fuck. Got a twitter account shortly after it launched, I still think it’s totally pointless. Recently looked at Instagram as everyone keeps asking me for it. There is no point to that either. It’s all fucking pointless and just a way to pretend you have a superior life to other sad mother fuckers. God I hate social fucking media!

SHIT. Power cut, don't know yet how much code lost, train of thought destroyed. 2 hours to wait to find out. Time for a 4g wank methinks.

WYSIWANK
Why do they not know this? Spending the time to create beautifully crafted css for bullet lists, only for the client to ignore the bullet list icon in the cms and put some shitty keyboard bullet causing the display page to luck just plain shit. Fucking useless wankers (why do i bother). That's why wysiwyg blocks in cms are a cunt in the hands of fuckwits.

My 12 year old bag, now with graphics, goes with me to client meetings and acts as a deterrent for clients talking shit/fake knowledge or cliches.

I changed IP address of the domain A record to point to his new site. Told him it could take a day to propagate, but usually fine in a few hours. 2 hours later... "Microsoft is pointing to new site but Google isn't". I have to make some assumptions here, who else calls a browser by its fucking parent company, that is if he is talking about that or search engines. Anyway just sent him my favourite wiki link on how to clear browser cache and hopefully he will fuck off indefinitely.

Client texts me ‘can you resend the link to the test page with the video’
My response as not at my desk but remember the page name
Me: Sure it’s ‘website/vtest.php’
Client: i copied the url into my desktop browser and it doesn’t work.
Me: replace ‘website’ with your actual web address.

Dumb Fucking Clients

Guessing about 98% of devs on here use all lowercase for their usernames.

Why do they ask for a ball park price based on a non existent spec and pathetic meeting ramblings. FUCK OFF.

If ($shit_hits_fan='true') {
$_GET['vacation'];
} else {
echo 'it was like that when I got here';
}

To the cunts that build ‘news’ stories with an ad block every few paragraphs, but don’t define the space in which they sit so whilst you are reading the text will suddenly jump as the ad is loaded, this continues as you scroll down the page. Just fucking stop it!

FaceTime is not instant access in to my space. I can ignore that too. Every time you want to tell me you've sent me the logo sets me back 15 minutes. Do I really need to fucking see you to tell me that shit. It's not for you to reel off a load of requests either... when you have finished don't you here me say "put it in an email and I'll get back to you". Stop wasting my fucking time. FaceTime.

Wozniak, Apple don’t give a shit about what you think, they didn’t 34 years ago when you left and they certainly don’t today. Please stop commenting, you are irrelevant.

Am I bad? I charged a client for an SSL Certificate and installation, but just used LetsEncrypt instead, cost me fuck all.

Great (but clueless) client. I went to a meeting with the client to discuss a way forward for his website revamp. First off he showed me his idea, which was a visual of the Windows desktop, with folders for different sections of the website, click on a folder and it opens revealing the different website pages. It went on basically describing how windows works. When he'd finished I said, with a cheeky smile, "that must be one of the fucking shityest ideas I've ever heard". We both started laughing.

Looking forward to getting my head around cssgrid, browser support looking good, soon be ready for primetime.

I had the old "got this great product I've developed, but can't afford a website, could you do it in exchange for a percentage of profits?"
Look, it's your product, I have had no say in its development, or quality or how you market it etc. I do websites and the website will do exactly what you want it to do. I couldn't give a fuck wether you sell one or a million. It's not my risk. Pay me for a site and I'll do it.

When coding all night and your second monitor packs in...

LAMP site. Client: Can you stick it on a USB stick, I need to show it at an exhibition and there's no internet. Me: If I had your laptop I could potentially replicate the server set up to run it locally. Client: I just want it on a USB stick?

I never really used it, but to destroy a brand like that is the work of an idiot. Bye bye Twitter. I x’ pect this is the last period in your history.

Grrr... pesky work deadlines interfering with devRant

Don’t ring me up all nasty asking why these other domains that you never told me about don’t “work”... and you don’t have dns access ‘cos you don’t know what it is and I need to speak to some geezer from another company that you fired. FUCK OFF, now I have to do some whois fishing to find out the shit you are blaming me for.

After about 7 hours continuous work in any one day, I’ve kinda had enough and noticed that work beyond this point is usually shit. I stopped trying and think fuck it now. Deadlines are mainly bollocks anyway. My life is a lot better because of it. Don’t do today what you can put off til tomorrow.Who’s with me?

Coming to the end of a project and set up Wunderlist to do a snag list whilst testing, decided to involve my client, which worked out great initially but now they started adding features to it. Now in a situation of explaining that feature additions at this stage require a proper functional spec and costing as they may mean a rewrite of existing code and could derail the project. Are all clients dim or just mine?

Pet hate... Designers supplying flats with "click here for some shit" "to contact us Click here". There should never be an instance when you use the words click here. Besides being really bad shit for many reasons, how do you click on a touch screen. Lazy bastards.

I just can't use a trackpad. I've tried many times, tweaked all the settings but always end up plugging in a mouse. Maybe it's because I is shit?

Surely you can add the tracking number to the URL in the text message, rather than having to go back to the message to copy and paste the tracking number into your website. Royal Mail.

Woke up this morning from a stressful week, thought fuck it and booked a nice hotel in York with a pool for me wife and son. Just enjoying yet another pint after an enjoyable day. Ready for the fan covered in shit.

I once went to a client to get a brief for a website (the twat can't be bothered to write it, so he gets me to do it). I wrote all the details down and fired as many questions as I could. When I got back I wrote up the notes into a brief and sent it back to check before I costed it. He said it was spot on, so I sent an estimate. A few days later he must have shown it to another director, they both call me on speaker phone. Them: Will it do this, will it do that? Me: "It" doesn't exist, if you want to add some requirements then write or extend the brief and I will re-cost it.
They ignored that and rang a little later. Them: We have been discussing it, will it do .... and will it do.... Me: I repeated what I had said earlier, but my tone of voice had changed to reflect my annoyance. I never heard from these pathetic twats again. Moral: I always do background checks on a company, as well as accounts and financials check it's good to tap in to your network of colleagues, designers, freelancers. It can set the alarm bells going long before you commit any time.

Site live for over 8 months, client contacts me saying a web form is not working. Check through code missing $ on a variable. Shit, it must never have worked. Checked through error logs and sure enough its been bust since it went live. I changed the variable to pull in their email address rather than mine when i pushed it live and missed off the $. Trying to think of a plausible and client friendly excuse.

!rant
Birthday today, got a dolce gusto pod coffee maker. Just trying the different flavours before i settle on one and put in an order for a couple thousand. Not bad so far.

Interested to know if anyone has ever clicked on an advert (on purpose) to buy some shit from the internet? And if so what was it? To me adverts on the internet are like flies hovering around your food, especially news sites.

When the client wants to go live with his website and there are big gaps in content. I have told them every Monday for the past 3 weeks that there are big holes in content and they need to go on the Cms and start populating. Nothing happens and he keeps on asking when can we go live. Fuck fuck fuck them all.

Shit, loads to do, but I have man flu. I can't concentrate for more than a few minutes. I've decided to abandon all hope of doing anything today. Daytime TV, how shit you are, sometimes shit is exactly what I need.

"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
- Charles Babbage

Go for a piss and your pen gets stolen.

Fuck off chrome you faulty fucking excuse for a browser.

When the online invoicing software you have used for the last 4 years gets a major upgrade, only to find there's a massive feature cull and the interface is prettier but far less intuitive. Time to look elsewhere :-). Pity, I loved it and got tonnes of people on to it.

Day 9 of non smoking (attempt no. 16). How do people cope without smoking? its so difficult. After phone call with client... go for a smoke. Get off plane/train go immediately to smoke. Done some good code/solved something, go for celebratory smoke. Have a rehearsal with my band... go for a smoke. Go to the pub...go for a smoke. It’s woven in to the fabric of my existence and unpicking it is a long and painful task. I don’t do the e-cig thing. I don’t want to swap addictions.

The shittiest thing a sales guy has said in a meeting/client meeting.

1 login, the whole of Google. So why have I got 8 then?

Doing it manually, is less stressful and much quicker. It cant be that hard to add something to a calendar. You fucking worthless piece of shit Siri.

Can I have a spec?
Just do what you did before
Fuck off!

Drove past the offices of a company that I am in the final stages of completing a website for. The sign on the building says To Let. I've been paid just under half up front, i have a solid contract but I'm fucked if they've vanished. I'll have to get to the bottom of this. FML

I’m shocked, some of the hideously embarrassing questions these dim mother fucking senators have been asking Zuckerberg. Is this for real?

Arghh! Designers, why, when you have the actual content, do you design for the content that you can make look the prettiest instead of the content on most of the documents which would not fit your design. Assess the content and design to the lowest common denominator. You lazy, useless cunt!

Why is it that people who can't do anything call the shots? Devs should call the shots and the fuckers should listen.

Gonna get some shut eye so I can do an all nighter, but not for code, need to watch the election results. (UK).

Some backstreet fine artist come designer came to me wanting a website, her brief was a moonpig.com but for wedding stationery. I asked her if she had a million plus marketing budget for launch and a shit pile of cash, or was it just really some simple website that people can hire you to design bespoke wedding stationery. In the end she agreed it was just another basic website for peanuts. Either way the answer was fuck off, use squarespace or some other shit that you can fuck about in and cut me out of the process, I don’t want your tiny pittance and months of can you just.

A twat working for UKTI (UK trade and industry, paid by the government) is advising businesses to have either a Wordpress site or a magneto site. What kind of fukwit fool cunt is this guy, that's not advice.

Run out of coffee

Arghhh. Fucking hate when clients can’t be bothered to write an email but instead ring you up and spout off a load of important information regarding a project you worked on last week. When you are deep in another project, and expecting me to give answers. JUST FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD! This twat does it all the time.

This'll come in handy.

Jeez, it can be done! Thank you CSS, i really thought it wasn't possible. My bacon is saved. (Overriding an inline style, javascript generated, from a linked style sheet).

When you take a job, take a long look at the people you’re going to be working with — because the odds are you’re going to become like them, they are not going to become like you. You can’t change them. If it doesn’t fit who you are, it’s not going to work.

Client: I'm trying to upload an image in Cms but it won't allow it.
Me: let me try, (I successfully upload a jpeg). No problem here, could you send me the file?
Client sends someshitfile.jpeg
Check system, allowable file types .jpg, gif, png.
What piece of shit software generates .jpeg instead of .jpg?
Added to list of allowable file types.

Drinking Fireball and wanking.

Apple just changed their file system to apfs across the board, but no recent documentation on the release. It automaticalky changes from hfs+ when you install the macos 10.12.4 update. In early docs it says that time machine is not supported, but surely they cant kill everyones short term backups?

What's the longest project you've worked on (in a passage of time type measurement)?. Mine' s a client website, 2 years (so far) in the making. 1 complete redesign, and re-written vast chunks of CSS and code because some of it was shit (2 yrs ago). Now it's super efficient and looking good. Still not finished though. Fortunately they know it's their fault and they have paid up to date, we are at double the original estimate now. I have not moaned at them because they have not moaned at my charges.

Well done Rami, you absolutely deserved it!

Outside photo of desk/setup or laptop.

For all those that stop reading after 6 words, I have changed the order for you. 😀

I got a message from a friend "I've just upgraded to Windows 10 and it locks on the login screen, what should I do?" Being a good friend, I promptly gave him the solution to his problem, so I replied "Get a Mac".

Do people still use mouse mats? I thought they came about 'cos of the rolling ball mouse which are now mainly in landfill.

No matter how many times, or whichever way I explain, he still doesn't get it. Are people so fucking blinkered they do not want to listen, or even read what you write. Back story, produced some web design visuals for a client, and fortunately he had the good sense to listen and employ a copywriter. She had the first draft done when i was putting together the styling, so i placed actual copy on the visuals. 2 weeks pass, still no answer. I send the same email to him, every 4 days and cc his PA for good measure. Finally, he says he wants to make some tweaks to the copy. I explain that any copy changes can be done via the CMS once the site is built, and can I proceed and build the site? He replies I need to make changes to the copy first. I explained again about the difference between the visual and the actual website, same response. You Fucking Infuriate me! Cunt!

Suffering from concentration, meaning my coffee is cold. I can’t drink cold coffee, it makes me retch. That’s the second cup today I’ve let die on me. It’s pissing me off now.

Is waiting for an email a good enough reason to do fuck all and go on devrant?

Find myself scrolling past image based rants. For obvious reasons.

3.5 fucking hours wasted. Trying to get a fucking webform to post using smtp and swiftmailer. Fucking webforms, I fucking hate them. Done it now though.

POP mail, I just prefer it over IMAP, but I am probably the only one, and my reasons are questionable. But I care not.

yesterday morning, released the first wave build of a website to a client, still loads to do but it shows progress. working from my own approved design flats so building it is speedier. no response all day, fearing the worst, finally at 11:10 pm she texts my “love it!”. fucking relieved! waiting for the email today “but... can you just...”, there always is one!

They need to get rid of the Cook and employ a Chef.
It used to be creativity, foresight, instinct manifesting itself in great innovative design and software. Now we have everything focused on chasing the $. Just like Microsoft used to be, until that is they realised. Now Apple is the old Microsoft and Microsoft is the new Apple.
I live in hope.

Can someone explain why the IT dept thinks that sending form mail from their website via smtp connection using a specific email account credentials (iffice365) for their domain and the ip address of the website included in the domain spf should be classed as an important security issue and we should find an alternative method of sending the form mail?

Has anybody ever met anyone in marketing that knows anything about marketing?

Finally got round to signing up to a VPN for my devices and my sons. After a lot of research decided on surfshark, signed up for 3 years with great discounts. BUT, it doesn’t work on iPhone ( tried everything in the help) still bollox. Cancelled it and went for my second choice which was Nord. The software is great. Worked without issue, same on m1 mac. Thousands of servers worldwide. For me this is great and fast. So if you are looking for a fast reliable VPN Nord is the one. PS not affiliated or work for Nord, just an opinion and hopefully save someone else some grief.

Who needs Stack Overflow when you’ve got chatGPT?

95% of people use only 5% of the capabilities of Microsoft Word. The 5% that do know it’s capabilities use a different piece of software instead. According to statistics I just made up.

Need a dirt cheap tablet for basic bedtime needs, reading, surfing, mailing, movies, music, devrant for less than £100.
Amazon just released the fire HD8. Perfect. Ordered.

Somebody needs to look at the whole user admin side of all of google products from a users perspective. Then realise what a disjointed dysfunctional, horrible, confusing, pile of shit it all is. I would say the same for zoho, another example of how to put as many obstacles in the way of doing straight forward tasks.

Tell the client to fuck off

Fuck Memes...

Suit on, tie on, first meeting on a web project I quoted on 16 months ago (and won). frantically wading through notes and quote from the time. Think i’ll just wing it and up the price a bit.

looks like devRant has gone April Fools on the ++’s

Youtube UX on iPhone. Fucking annoying! In fact google or alphabet have completely disengaged with the user on virtually everything. It's not a game, people have to actually use this shit.

devRant suggestion: Comment Bump. Bump up the comments on a rant, the ones with most upvotes get bumped up to the top. Possible pitfalls, where comments have replies which could break the order and make no sense. I guess I just talked myself out of that one. Meh.

A typical (Covid) day (for me) being self employed. I tend to start working at around 8am, only break to make coffee, and by 3:30 in the afternoon I fall asleep til 5pm. Then I get some food, play my bass, mess around in garage band, drink a bottle of wine, watch some crap movie, go to bed around 1:00am rinse and repeat. I never work weekends anymore. Interested to know your Covid day,.

Why the industry jumped on photoshop as a web design and layout tool is beyond me. It's like trying to stir coffee with your thumb. I'm a descent photoshop user but have always used inDesign in web mode. Far quicker for chucking around layouts and options (as page). It also exports as rgb png's either full pages or selections with or without transparency (at any resolution). Which are perfect for then optimising in Photoshop (Pixelmator these days) or any other less costly image editor. I hand code my sites then in Coda, love it.

All those dials, buttons, settings, options. It's a fucking washing machine, why can't I put washing in and press fucking wash.

I don’t know why it annoys me so much but writing the date the wrong way is fucking ridiculous America! It’s Day fucking month fucking Year imbeciles!

Finding a bug that wont trigger an error but will deliver incorrect results, but only in certain circumstances and has only come apparent after the site has bern live for 6 months.

You turn in to a detective trying to determine what triggered the wrong result, what the client changed/added/edited in the cms and work from there.

After much investigation it dawns on you, you then find the bit responsible in your shit code and fix it.

Then feel extremely elated at how cool you are, but no-one gives a shit.

Back to work.

That’s why I play bass guitar, do some cool licks on stage and its instant gratification, glad I have that... and devRant community.

maybe I should learn how to code properly as well.

Wrote a detailed spec, costed and agreed. Meanwhile client and designer agree upon half baked designs that only vaguely resemble the spec. Don't worry though, I have balls. I'm not a yes man. Will put them both straight (again) on how the fuck we do things if it involves me, incompetent twats. Will soon be calling the shots again. Ha ha, it's either that or I fucking walk.

getting pissed the night before, enjoying a sleep at my desk, informed that the boss was on his way back from our other office.

Gonna rant about graphic design 'cos it's where I started this journey.
The hardest people to design for are creative people, photographers, musicians, artists etc.. because they think graphic design is just a small extension to their existing skills. Please Fuck Off! Also same goes for developers, graphic design is a discipline you have to study and takes years to perfect the art. I find it examples of non designed 'design' every day and it sickens me. Just look around at all the shite van livery, bad logos, shit menus, fucking junk mail etc... sometimes it can be torture....

But I don't think coding is easy, I respect the art and learn constantly, it amazes me how typing some shit can make awesome things happen. Devs rock!

Love starting a brand new web project, knowing that you wont go down the same rabbit hole and spaghetti workarounds ‘cos the clients a dick scenario…. until of course you do. FML.

Flock ...the new Slack?

Fucking fuckwits! I sent a digital contract to sign online via hellobonsai.com. The client said he hadnt recieved it. After resending and pestering him he finally signed it, but not in the way a normal person would. He printed it out, all of it, signed it, scanned it and generated a pdf to which he emailed back to me. It would have taken 3 seconds to digitally sign it. I wondered if his secretary had done all the scanning and shit.

A couple of months ago I watched all 3 seasons of 'Halt and Catch Fire'. I thought it was excellent. If im honest I enjoyed it more than mr robot (and I loved that). Still not seen Silicon Valley though (it's gonna cost too much).

Day ruined, cos some fucker paid to do something has fucked up and delivered, 3 days late, a crock of shit. I spent fucking ages with clear instructions and everything to avoid this fucking situation, yet here we are. Fuck shit fuck tits wanker.

Underlining has kind of died as a method of emphasising things, especially on the web, for obvious reasons. But put a WYSIWYG in front of a twat and.... What the fuck goes through their tiny minds?

They want you to go paperless (cos it saves them shit loads of money, and the shareholders like to count it all day long) not for environmental reasons. But their shitty, flakey online banking system is always down or having technical problems. Fucking sort it out!

Done this a few times.... Client emails, there's a problem with the website and basic details. I check website and quickly fix said problem. Email back, it's fine for me, try refreshing the page or clearing the cache.

We should have a code name for the old clear cache routine. Any ideas?

Who the fuck is responsible for the ui/ux of the youtube app its fucking annoyingly shit. Terrible!! Fucking start again you alphabet wankers.

Sometimes I envy those people whose work is purely clock on / clock off, meaning those that can leave work and switch off to that entirely (delivery driver; mcdonalds etc). Having the time to focus on other things. I have never had that luxury, work consumes far too much of my time, even when not working i am thinking about it. I want the time to pursue my other love which is music, and playing my bass. I like my work but sometimes i fucking hate this path i'm on. Oh well FML.

To have back all the hours between how long a project should take and how long it actually takes, and get paid for them, then retire and sledgehammer my computer, and do something less stressful.

Am I missing something here? Lets Encrypt auto renews SSL every 90 days....BUT it will fail if you have .htaccess re-direct set up to https. So you would have to switch off the https redirect, manually renew, then switch it back on again. Thats fucking crazy. I can’t find a way round this. The hosting co set this up but are encouraging people to buy one of theirs when the renewal fails. a cunning plot to get more of their own SSLs. Any ideas?

Just sent a series of design visuals for the client to look at for his new website, expecting some feedback. A few hours later he sends an email saying, "my main competitor" with a web link and nothing else. What the fuck am i supposed to do with that? Id already studied all his competitors prior to commencing the design visuals, how am i supposed to respond without being condescending?

In my quest to ditch iPhone, due to there ridiculous prices, i have been looking at android based alternatives. Never (ever) used android b4. So, as my son is getting to that age that he is pleading for a phone, I decided to buy a Wiley Fox Swift 2. This has been great as my son loves it. From a UI perspective it really makes iPhone seem dated. From a UX perspective, fuck me, it needs work. Comparatively IOS is such a piece of piss to configure and use. I don't envisage that I will switch to android any time soon my wallet is not going to be happy.

Don’t fight it, sleep/wank. Try again tomorrow.

Right, just put next doors new garden furniture and gas fired barbecue stove on ebay... fancy a new iPhone XS. 😀

Fuck Off JPEG you piece of ancient shit. Hello HEIF! Not apple tech but they are certainly adopting it across the board (also replaces gif). Safari is the only browser supporting the format. Now we have to wait for every fucker else to arrive, could be 5 years for Mucroshite (wankers).

Fuck off slickplan. Your subscription model is not for the little guy. i love your site map builder, but I cant justify $118 a year for my 6-8 annual site maps. i’ll use keynote. if you price stuff properly then you’d have more subscribers. greedy cunts. it tends to be the way with a lot of online services. people will gladly pay, but it’s gotta be of value. you think twice when you start getting pricey.

!rant
I tend to do a lot of sketching and note taking and like to use pen on paper. But sick of tearing out notes and accumulating bits if paper that contain notes here and there. I was thinking of going digital with this specific task (for cheap) i don't own an ipad so was thinking of getting a Fire HD 8" and a Boxwave EverTouch stylus. Im all Apple so don't know android, would this hardware do the trick and what would be a decent note taking and organising app for it? Appreciate any advice comments. Other uses for it are irrelevant.

Google fonts, linking to open sans regular (400) displays open sans condensed. How shit. Discovered that if you have open sans installed on your Mac this is what happens. Fuckit. I'll host it myself.

I always have CSS issues on Wednesdays. Fuck Wednesdays. Looking forward to tomorrow and the ridiculous client requests that lack reason or logic. Wahay. FML.

As always IE and Edge holding back progress. Dying to use CSS variables but can't because of these 2 wank browsers. Once this is fully supported it should wipe out the need for pre-processors (IMHO). Not that I feel the need to use pre-processors anyway.

I wish the clients without knowledge would fuck off about google page speed insights, as if it actually measures speed and as if I give a fuck about your new raison d'être.

Wank UX, shit that follows you as you scroll. Fuck off.

Trying new things....
Half the battle is deciding wether to try it or not, the other half is deciding wether it’s shit or not.

Things forced upon me throughout my life that I hate with a passion.
Football (I mean soccer)
The (fucking) Beatles
Religion
Microsoft
JavaScript
Most Clients

Things I can't get enough of (in no particular order)
Asian Food
Dirty Loops
Sleep
Playing Bass
Travel
Time

Mac OS web developer. Coda. Gotta be the best IDE, for my purposes. Hands down.

Deciding to do some work is much harder than actually doing any. This New Year Depression is killing me.

I wonder what impact the launch of Affinity Publisher will have on Adobe, now that their core creative suite has been re-imagined by Affinity. Ive been using the beta and it pisses on inDesign. Good work Affinity !

Everything I do these days tends to be under duress, and it never gets done properly. shit.fuck.twat.wank.bastards.

When you receive a psd file with a million layers, when all you really need from it is the colour values and what font/size they've used and some measurements. You'll just do it all properly with CSS. Better off with a flat png or 2 with transparency and some original vectors.

Absolutely anything by Microsoft.

Just thinking, there must be a shitload of CRT monitors in landfill. Can you even recycle those heavy bastards?

Something I can never ask in real life or in the workplace but curious to know wether women have a ‘wank bank’ or is it exclusively a male thing. Oh and Wordpress is total shite.