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Here in our company when you are about to do something really hard or say something clever you get to wear this hat!
13 -
Client :- The app is slow on my device, please fix.
Developer :- Working fine on all the devices I tested, are you sure?
Client :- Yes, it's very slow. I can't accept this app.
Developer :- (Recompiles the same codebase again) Here, try this, optimized a lot of calls, took me entire day to do so.
Client :- Yes, it is working fast now
Developer :- (evil laughs)11 -
When you try to become over smart with Apple.
Client :- Ask for all user information in registration screen.
Me :- But Apple rejects app if you ask for personal information you don't need. We shouldn't ask it since Apple will reject the application
Client :- "I am more strict than Apple", just do it.
Me :- But...
Client :- Do it!
Developed the app, uploaded on Apple Store for review and the app got REJECTED!!
Reason for rejection :- Don't ask for personal information you don't need !!!
Me :- (Evil laughs)
It's been more than 15 days now, the app is still under review due to multiple other violations already informed by me.
Moral :- Listen to developers, they have more experience than you or DO THE F*****G RESEARCH !!
True story !!!!
7 -
Does anyone else have that one guy or gal you work with that's ALWAYS the one to find the weirdest, inexplicable bugs possible? Yup. That's me. Here's some fun examples.
*Unplugs monitor from laptop, causing kernel panic*
*Mouse moves in reverse when inside canvas*
*Program fails to compile, yet compiler blames a syntax error that doesn't exist*
*malloc on the first line of a program causes a segfault*
And for how the conversation usually goes
Me: "[coworker], mind taking a look at this?"
Coworker: "Sure.This better not be another one of 'your bugs'. ... ... ... Well, if you need me I'll be at my desk."
Me: "So you know what's causing it?"
Coworker: "Nope. I've accepted that you're cursed and you should do the same."8 -
"Do not indent HTML files."
- From a Junior High classmate of mine who claims he is a computer wizard[this was many years ago]4 -
I've just googled
"How to kill a demonized puma"
And now I'm not sure anymore if I'm a developer or a wizard4 -
Void foo() {
try {
//Try something
} catch(exception e) {
foo();
}
}
When I saw this in production I cried a little...9 -
I’m a graphs designer, hardware expert, free software generator, marketing evangelist, networking wizard, and troubleshooter bot9
-
When half your team uses spaces and the other half tabs... Thank god IDE can convert tabs automatically now but now we are arguing if we should use 2 or 4 spaces. It never ends...
34 -
My high school teacher once asked me to make a digital clock that ticked slower the further away you were from the computer. That without any sensors or webcam or anything...
He had this notion computer's are magical machines that can do anything. And all that in VB out of all languages.7 -
I just had to download Firefox to be able to download chrome because Edge kept crashing. Think about that for a second.
It kept crashing on a BING SEARCH...9 -
How to look like a wizard by doing pretty much nothing.
Open inspect element infront of people who cant program, and do something. They'll think you're a genius for changing a picture.9 -
Girlfriend's parents are talking about an issue with their printer in the next room. How long before I'm asked to fix it?3
-
Co-worker: "I made the UI for feature X you asked me for"
Me: "Oh great tha... Why is it on the same screen as feature Y? Those features are unrelated?"
Co-worker: "Yea it was too much effort to create a new screen."
Me: "...?!?"1 -
I took a pinball game I found on GitHub, forked it and added graphics along with modified the physics a bit.
https://github.com/ErvinSabic/...
I have a customer who repairs pinball machines.
I'm gonna sneak this into his site free of charge just cause it would be badass.1 -
Reading books, not sure if you can even call it a non-dev activity since it is essential in my opinion but reading improves my programming skills everyday!
-
Kid brings me an ancient Chromebook with non-functioning "t" key.
I crack open the case and remove a bunch of screws trying to get to the keyboard.
No can do. This thing is built to basically self-destruct upon user tampering (Dammit, China!!!)
Put it all back together with the intent of trying to wipe it and recycle it.
The "t" key is suddenly working fine.
3 -
This is a rant about that guy who is younger, more talented, smarter, more handsome and a super wizard in everything he does.. and still manages to be a nice guy.
Fuck you. It's unfair3 -
Just because a developer is a programming wizard does not mean we are physical hardware installation wizards as well.
I hate when people ask me to setup their personal home systems; especially networked printers.3 -
I was going to be a wizard for Halloween, but since I am expected to perform magic year round at the request of clients, I might change it up for one night of the year.1
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Took a job during the summer vacation and was expected to sit through excel and click products and fill in info (mundane tasks). Overheard the boss talking to the coworkers "We need to translate 77,000 urls into images, how do we split this work up?" I jumped in and said "I can write that in code so you don't have to do it" They all looked at me like I was some sort of magician O_O. Had the program running during the weekend on three computers and all of the 77,000 urls are now a beautiful mess of pdfs and jpgs. Do you have a story that made you feel like a wizard?7
-
My dad thinks I'm a lazy twat... (He studied computer sience as well)
Every other member of my family thinks I'm a wizard, Harry.2 -
I remember when I was first learning recursion, i thought whoever thought of it must've been on some kickass drugs because it all sounded like sorcery. Just solved my first problem at work that recursion actually made simpler. Does that make me a wizard?10
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NGL hearing the head of I.T ask you to help a brotha out and "do your magic" makes one feel pretty fucking legit.
I know I pull some magical shit, I know most developers in senior level positions or management do, but I also know we all rarely get recognized. The fact that someone would know that what you do is basically magic for your institution makes one feel so fucking good.
I really fucking try. Shit is hard and holding an entire department together sometimes gets the best of me, but I fucking try.
wish you all the same feelings all the time, always4 -
I switched to vim as a main IDE (yes IDE) just so that common people can think I'm a fcking wizard seeing my dusty trackpad... And also to see their face when they try to show me their programming talents on my laptop 😏25
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If anyone has been keeping up with my data warehouse from hell stories, we're reaching the climax. Today I reached my breaking point and wrote a strongly worder email about the situation. I detailed 3 separate cases of violated referential integrity (this warehouse has no constraints) and a field pulling from THE WRONG FLIPPING TABLE. Each instance was detailed with the lying ER diagram, highlighted the violating key pairs, the dangers they posed, and how to fix it. Note that this is a financial document; a financial document with nondeterministic behavior because the previous contractors' laziness. I feel like the flipping harbinger of doom with a cardboard sign saying "the end is near" and keep having to self-validate that if I was to change anything about this code, **financial numbers would change**, names would swap, description codes would change, and because they're edge cases in a giant dataset, they'll be hard to find. My email included SQL queries returning values where integrity is violated 15+ times. There's legacy data just shoved in ignoring all constraints. There are misspellings where a new one was made instead of updating, leaving the pk the same.
Now I'd just put sorting and other algos, but the data is processed by a crystal report. It has no debugger. No analysis tools. 11 subreports. The thing takes an hour to run and 77k queries to the oracle backend. It's one of the most disgusting infrastructures I've ever seen. There's no other solution to this but to either move to a general programming language or get the contractor to fix the data warehouse. I feel like I've gotten nowhere trying to debug this for 2 months. Now that I've reached what's probably the root issue, the office beaucracy is resisting the idea of throwing out the fire hazard and keeping the good parts. The upper management wants to just install sprinklers, and I'm losing it. -
POV: You fixed a hairy bug at a FAANG as a:
L3: "You're a technical wizard!"
L4: "Good job."
L5: "Why did you allow this into your team's code base?"
L6: "Why didn't you delegate that?" -
When you rock out a solid day of development. Making what use to be an 8 hour job 30 minutes, and everyone looks at you like you are a wizard. This is how I left the office today...
3 -
Dev thought of the day🤔
Are stickers for dev the equivalent to tattoos for normies?
Or are devs with hackathon tattoos?1 -
Rant mode: The guy in charge of the database were working on cannot even add a few lines of data without deleting all the data in the table and reloading it using a wizard!
And he recently got a "Best D.B.A. Award"?!
This is why I don't trust those who brag about their certificates.3 -
I just met a whole new level of obnoxious scam mail: Google calendar invites. WTH. You can't even block it.6
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What really gets on my nerves?
People that think I can fix every computer problem there is, just because I'm a developer and therefore must know everything about PCs.
What do I look like, a Tech Wizard?15 -
Government re-employment resume wizard: "Enter your job title for this job experience."
Me: "Development Manager"
Wizard: "Did you mean Biofuels/Biodiesel Technology and Product Development Manager,
Training and Development Manager, or
Wind Energy Development Manager?"
Me: "Web Development Manager"
Wizard: "Website Administrator it is!"
Me: ... bruh ...7 -
I told my lead, "I am creating a new Algorithm" instead of "I am trying to fix this", and instantly I am a programming wizard :D :D :D5
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Why is it that other programmers think I’m a wizard when they’ve been struggling with an error in their project for hours and I just read their error messages and tell them where the error is/what they need to do/fix?1
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I didn't even realise .NET 7 was released YESTERDAY until a startup wizard pre-selected that instead of .NET 6 LTS
It was surprisingly a quiet launch .-.
Or I was too busy to notice -.-5 -
If you weren't allowed to be called a developer/engineer/etc, what would you choose to call yourself?
Code ninja/wizard/monkey?
Hacker?
Techie?20 -
At home: Man I really love code and everything I can do with it. I'm a fucking wizard.
At work: You want me to copy and paste some text into the view for you? Okay... *cries into keyboard* -
!rant
It's been over a year coding professionally as a frontend Dev and it seems like I have built my career so far just by knowing flexbox.
(I'm a flexbox wizard now btw)4 -
I've concluded you can't get a job these days unless you're some fucking wizard. It's always the response: "We found better candidates than you".12
-
Programmers are the digital equivalent to Wizards.
Funny thought:
Just like a wizard manipulates the physical world, creating spells that obey his intentions, a programmer manipulates the digital world, creating processes and methods that obey his will.
There are quite interesting similarities.... Now where's my digital wizard cape!?5 -
I have seen a lot of people in my life ranting about CSS. But this is crazy! Is this woman some kinda level 999 CSS wizard to do this?
http://diana-adrianne.com/purecss-f...1 -
Know your tools. Take some time to explore them. Knowing shortcuts, the capabilities of your IDE (and plug-ins), libraries and many more will look you like a wizard to others and can save you many efforts.1
-
RANT!
I still struggle to find the suitable address book software for our company. It supposed to be secure and inexpensive. But how so? It's flipping not possible to have both!
My boss answer to almost everything I say: Just do it! - in German: einfach machen! Please hulp!10 -
One hour before a deadline, one of my team members notified me he had completed his task and signed off. The only thing left to do for me was to merge our branches and submit the code for review. This was supposed go smooth with only a few changes made. But for some reason the build kept crashing and this ONE hour before the deadline and no way to reach my team member... This was a stressful situation to say the least.
And yes I am aware that you are not supposed to be merge branches one hour before deadlines. -
My father follows with great interests what I'm doing (he was working in IT), my mom think I'm a wizard and my grandmother think I'm living on a higher plan of existence 🤔
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I need to stop adding, weep uncontrollably, between tasks in my work to do list before my coworkers start thinking I'm serious.
Technically I am serious - you would be too if you had to manage the servers I inherited - but I don't want to ruin the all powerful Wizard of Oz vibe I got going.1 -
Repair printers... Somehow writing code translates to the ability to fix any printer problem in their minds.2
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Whoever made the Crystal Reports language, screw you and your silent syntax errors. Sincerely, guy stuck maintaining reports.5
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Ok Visio. You have a Database Wizard that allows me to associate shapes with database records. Cool! You do not allow me to automate this through VBA? NOT COOL2
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The database column contains values, yet there is nothing in the code that inserts or updates the values in that column.
I'm not sure if the original author of this program wrote bad code or was some kind of malicious wizard. What I do know is that it scares me.5 -
Back when I was my first year of computer science me and a fellow classmate went to the IT store to buy a hard drive. We walked past an iMac and my friend (who was top of our class at the time) looked at it and said: "That is a nice screen! But where is the computer". Laughed my ass off, and we are supposed to be cs undergrads...1
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This one is easy, being forced to use visual studio! In fact I made one or two rants about it.
To top it off using NuGet as a pm was also not a great experience to say the least.
Luckily I was not alone and my team agreed and we rewrote the entire legacy code in Java... A much much better experience!
So that was my worst experience.. My best experience was that I started my first big non-school related project and I am super excited!! -
My colleague was presenting a spec for a piece of software our team has to make. I point out some flaws. He gives some incorrect counter arguments. I give arguments for why those arguments are incorrect and point out the flaws again. This time some one from the team agrees with me
My colleague: "Oke, we should just do it like this anyway"
Me: *facepalm* -
Sometimes I think, when my Computer would be human, he would punch me in the face for that gibberish I type in and call coding.
But yeah, then more I learn, then more I Level up as a Wizard.
Currently on Level 6 "Wayne Shitbag Wiz0rd" -
Hi I just joined this great Community and here is my thoughts about programming tap "++" if you agree if not then change your mind.
For me programming is like becoming wizard of next generation. Like wizard you can control or create anything because in future you will find electronics containing programs written by a wizard (programmer). We are not people who can repair computer but greater then that because a pc is just a box without programs (software)
You are reading this article because you loves challenges and you are hard working too.1 -
tech D&D
dev = fighter
ops = cleris
network = wizard
design = bard
dba = warlock
infosec = rogue
it is not mine but i think its great analogy. and because i always choose the warlock1 -
!rant
Golang Backend + Supabase = ❤️
I feel like a freaking 🧙♂️ built a real-time chart in an hour!3 -
Ok so this jr dev at my office was working on a shopify site and didn't know if you edit menu items in a site copy it also affects the main site
then she freaked out like crazy because she didn't remember what the original header links looked like and me like a zodiac wizard
came in opened wayback machine then boom showed her the original site5 -
Today, a colleague requested a merge with 5 commits, but only 3 changes. He must be a wizard or an idiot.1
-
DEV dream journal: I dreamed about a decentralized A.I. that injected itself on every device and reprodused itself on a 3D printer. Well, in the end some sort of super quantum computer killed it tho. 🤣 should go out more often and stop watching terminator4
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I spent 13 hours on a class project using c only to not finish because malloc had a mind of its own and kept segfaulting with errno 16, or "resource busy". Fml.6
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I think I won't be happy if all my codes works perfect no bugs at and all, I think I'll feel like my life have no purposes or as the wizard will say the coder have no destiny , how would you feel if all your codes works every time .1
-
my next challenge is now building a personal portfolio page :)
I'll create a one pager.
I'm just excited cause its a lil bit harder than building an easy tribute page. My heart will go on xD2 -
Yubikey: Worth it?
I'm a college student with way too many logins and offend reusing passwords. I also do password semantics research at the institution and know how useless they are.4 -
My favorite method to learn something new is just to buy a book or download a paper about it or something lock myself up in my desk and not go home until I accomplished something. Those have been some fun nights so far!
-
<3 VS-CODE (:
It's like having a customized tool , well a weapon in that sense 😂😂 Developers like to think of themselves as wizards (including me) and every wizard needs their wands 😋😋3 -
There have been several occasions where a teammate's computer was acting up and upon me walking over the issue resolved.
Now they all think I'm a wizard...1 -
sap_crystal_reports_crash_count++;
fustration++;
anger++;
hatred_for_sap++;
// Every time a report crashes, it doesn't free the
// resources until the whole machine crawls to a
// halt. Why.1 -
So here I am, in a summer course for IMM introduced in JavaScript. I knew I wasn't going to be a fan of the insane junk it does. I just didn't expect to see it IMMEDIETLY.
var size = 1;
#ps5.js draw loop
size += 1;
print(size);
1 -
Davi Ottenheimer; security wizard and one of the coolest and most knowledgeable guys i know. Met him at IANS2019 and haven't worked up the courage to email him
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When you read a requirement wrong and can start coding all over again after an afternoon of work...2
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When a person asks what do I do I tell them that I'm a cyber wizard.
It explains it well doesn't it ?
God damn muggles... -
Our team has to add some features to an existing application/platform. Its a mobile application with a server handling all the logic and a database for records storage. Fairly big project, a few 1000 lines. Ohh and did I mention that there is absolutely NO DOCUMENTATION???! Why on earth would you even be like ohhh let's do this project but write absolutely no documentation for it! Why???1
-
Why the fuck do I have to start an SSMS data import wizard all the way back to the beginning when it fails?1
-
Okay, legit.
I have protanopia (red color blindness) and red text on a screen is always difficult to focus my eyes on. It's like I have different focal points for the screen in general and red text. Is this just a me thing, or am I onto something?12 -
There's no good way to describe the feeling of fixing a bug but having no idea how you did it. You stash, hard reset, toy around, fix it again... and still don't know what you did, but decide, "Eh. Whatever I guess."
-
Best part of being a dev:
You can tell people you can't do something or it will take twice as long, and they don't have a clue as to why because you are a wizard in their eyes -
I am a 3rd year undergraduate and we need to make a web based project. Problem is no one on our team has ever made anything web based or even a simple website before. We need to run some Java code in the backend apart from that we are free to do whatever we want. Any advice on what frameworks to use and what to avoid?
I literally have zero experience on this so any advice is appreciated!3 -
Get a bug report, look at the code: it was fix a month ago by... Me. The look on the face of my colleague like I'm a wizard or something: priceless1
-
Heres a truly vitrolic and unnecessary rant:
Package control for sublime is all well and good
through the command palette, but it's just
fucking retarded. How about you point me to a
FUCKING COMMAND to actually INSTALL A
MOTHERFUCKING PACKAGE YOU
FINGERPAINTING FUCKWITS?
Under babel plugin while browsing packages
on packagecontrol.io:
"Find it as Babel through Package Control."
FUCKING HOW?
What command?
What fucking command? How do I "Find" it?
The browse command just opens my
motherfucking browser. How do I fucking install
your fucking packages you assholes?
"Use autocomplete" except your god damn
autocomplete doesn't list "install package"
for some god damn reason because everything
web is a broken pile of utter shit, built
on a more shit, like a leaning garbage tower
of bullshit waiting for the smallest mistake to
take down the entire house of cards like
someone removing a leftpad on npm.
Maybe specify I have to enter
"install package" and THEN hit enter, and THEN
enter the GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING package name
on a separate god damn line for
some fucky reason.
Next time don't make a tool that breaks
motherfucking conventions. It's bad enough
every fucking look-at-me-im-smart cunt of a
dev and their dog has to invent a CLI and
then go and invent a new domain specific
language too motherfuckers.
Next tool that breaks convention around me is
gonna see the dev lit on fire.
fucking uppity cunts.
"Say thanks" the site say. I am not
feeling fucking thankful at the moment.
The least you can do if you're going to
contribute to open source, is not make things
actively fucking worse, least of all in the
fucking *documentation*.
FUCK count for this rant: 19 / 50,
RANK: RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
0-5: GENTLE AS A LAMB
6-10: ANGRY GOAT
11-15: NUN WITH PMS
16-20: RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
21-25: CANTANKEROUS VIETNAM VET
26-30: BREAKING SHIT
31-35: DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
36-40: BIPOLAR EPISODE
41-45: DESPAIR EVENT HORIZON
46-50: BROKEN CAPSLOCK
50+ : MIDLIFE CRISIS / MASTER GRAND WIZARD
OF RANTS AND ANGRY-WORD MASTURBATION.
If you prefer to cheat, you may also include any
cursewords in general, but be warned, you'll
never know the sweet taste of victory when you
achieve the rank of master grand wizard.
Like when you were a kid, and you discovered
gameshark, and all your hopes of finishing that
one game became but a ruthlessly hollowed out
husk, somewhere where could-have-been childhood
memories and nostalgia go to die like the
graveyard of dreams
(the same place officer workers souls go).4 -
I think the first time I ever felt like a wizard because of dev work was when I discovered creative coding and all the fun you can have with it.
-
I have a meeting in 1 hour that should be about the deployment of a product. This morning I got 2 emails from the client about some not so small changes.
Not sure how I can explain that I'm not a wizard. -
I'm lost here 😑! Got a new job and I supposed to analyze/fix/update/ the communication softwares/hardwares internally. Data security is insanely important and everything should be inexpensive 😑. Any suggestion what I can use as softwares and communication tools?7
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