Best one...

Me : "Hey, I can't find the comments.js file, do you know where it is stored?"
Co-worker : "Yep, look in the CSS folder"
Me : "OK, thanks!"

5 seconds later..

Me : "Wait, what?"

Yep lol

To my full confident co worker, fuck you dumbass.

First new job impression;
Me: you use Ubuntu as well? Nearly everyone does Linux here I see!
Co-worker: yup!
Me: So no windows?
CW: nahh, we want stuff that's fixable if it gets fucked. *mentions some things about windows*
Other co-worker: (obviously referring to windows) hey no swearing in here!

😄😅😆

I like it there!

Had to debug an issue,

*ssh user@domain*
"some wild network connection issue"
*hmm weird.. *
*checks everything again*
*hmm seems alright.. *
*tries again*
*same damn error*
*ssh -v user@domain*
*syntax error thingy on the -v part*
😮
*messages co-worker asking what the fuck could be giving on*
"ey mate check your aliases 😂"
*alias"
"alias ssh="echo {insert network connection issue"*

*loud laughing from the co-worker I messaged*

MOTHERFUCKER 😆

If I don't have any weird co-worker, does it mean I'm that weird co-worker? :/

My co-worker committed his gmail password today.

My weirdest ever co-worker was a man who called himself "the code" and wrote exclusively JavaScript.

Co-worker: "I wish I understood how this program worked"
Me: "I wish I understood how THIS program worked"
Co-worker: "You're the the one that wrote that"
Me: "Your point?"

Co-worker presented her work by sharing her screen. She forgot to unshare.

She proceeded to open Chrome and search: "Can I sue co-worker if I get coronavirus because he coughed?"

Another employee said: "Your screen is showing" :/

Me and co-worker, working with firebase.

Co-worker: Hey man, I need the private key for the server.

Me: Why?

Co-worker: I need to put it in the client so that I can authenticate.

Me: No.

Co-worker: But this guide tells me ...

Me: No

Co-worker: ... that I need it to create tokens so I can log in.

Me: ... No.

Co-worker: But the guide..

Me: If the guide would ask you to kill yourself, would you?

Co-worker: No but..

*I walk over*

Me: This isn't even related to what we are doing. You can see it in the title.

Me: Did you read the title of this post?

Co-worker: No.

Co-worker has been sick for two days now (the guy that mainly helps me).

This has forced me to do nearly every ticket myself without asking questions.

It's going really great! I'm very happy about it tbh 😊

Everytime I throw my stress ball (and miss...because sports are hard) at a co-worker, they ALWAYS think I'm throwing an orange at them.

Definitely gonna try this on a co-worker one day.

My co-worker quit by saying he was going back to school.
The dude just went to sit at home.
He figured that its much better than constant "abuse" at the office. 😂

Me, in the zone, staring at the code. Co-worker enters.
Co: hey, can you...
Me (not really listening): no.
Co: it's just...
Me: no.
Co: later?
Me: no.
Co: but...
Me: no.
Co: (leaving)

Weirdest co-worker was a loner(he prefers to be left alone) and he has no social skills.
One day, everyone in the office received an invitation letter. All of us were invited to our weirdest co-worker's wedding!

After that, everyone became his friend :)

Co-worker: Hey man, what's up with your code?

Me: What do you mean bro?

Co-worker: It's generic man...

Me: Isn't it supposed to be like that?

Co-worker: Yeah...

Me: ... so what's this about?

Co-worker: hmmm... Mine is kinda specific, do you mind changing it so that it can work well with mine??

Me: That's why I made it generic though

Co-worker: yeah I see that and I dnt want mine to be and we have a deadline tomorrow. I already pushed mine to develop so, happy fun-time while modifying your code to accommodate mine...

Me: *fuuxuuuuuuuuuuuux*

Co Worker: "Your computer is missing a mouse!"
Me: "I require less dependencies to use a computer"

BBUUUURRRRNN

That co-worker that erases all of your changes if there's a merge conflict.
Fuck you too buddy.

I think the best I saw was a co-worker scripted a file so that every time the manager typed the computer would play painful screaming sounds and then thank her when she stopped typing.

I once had a co-worker (QA guy) who had the worst smelling breath of anyone's I ever smelled. He was a nice guy but it was kind of weird/irritating how bad it smelled. One day someone confronted him about it, and he said that it was garlic since he apparently constantly chewed on garlic. I guess it was just some odd habit and he didn't care he was grossing everyone out haha.

Trying to concentrate. Co-worker from another room standing there, BLA BLA BLA, and she's fucking LOUD. But she hates coldness, and it's below 0 °C outside.

So I open two windows, and guess who instantly leaves! Now it's cold, but SILENT. HAR HAR!

Me: You're looking rested - the vacation does you good, it seems.
Co-worker: I didn't have vacation?!
Me: but our PM does.
Co-worker: ...

I have this guy who screams and keeps on slamming the table in a meeting room (there is only the project developer inside), about how important to LTRIM RTRIM in sql, combining multiple insert into 1 stored procedure, making a big deals of small feature since we’re on a tight schedule, bla bla bla

Worse retard ever

I almost punched him

Co-worker put in her two weeks notice, then found out the company doesn't pay out remaining PTO.

.. so she took a two week paid vacation with her remaining 14 days. XD

I fear the day I'll find my shitty code here, posted by a co-worker.

Me teaching a co-worker programming.
Him:"So what exactly is the difference between Java and JavaScript?"
Me:"About the same as the difference between cars and carpets."
Thank you guys for teaching me how to answer that.

My co-worker is now raising his hand before asking me a question : success.

Co-worker: I don't get it, what's devrant about?
Me: rant about co-worker

!rant
Some months back I introduced a co-worker to devrant. Today when I arrived at the office I had this on my laptop.
So proud...

Co-worker: I need a proxy to do this task.

Me: Why do you need a proxy?

Co-worker: So all these reviews for the company I'm posting don't look sketchy.

Me: Download the TOR browser.

Co-worker: That's kinda sketchy I don't wanna do that.

So falsifying information about the company is okay, but using a browser to do it anonymously is right out.

When your floor names a room Galileo and you have @bachmanity as a co-worker...

"Everyone must attend this meeting. It's really important that you all attend".

Me: *walks into meeting with other co-workers

Host: So what should we discuss today?

Co-worker 1: We can discuss how we did on the recently completed project.

Host: We'll save that for next meeting.

Co-worker 2: Any strategic plans for upcoming project?

Host: That too, for next meeting.

Me: Black Panther.

Host: That was actually a great movie. I saw it over the weekend. Who else saw it? ....

Me (in my thoughts): Just wow! 😂

PS: I still haven't seen that movie.

Went to make a change for a customer today and ran across this lovely HTML that co-worker wrote.

Me and co-worker troubleshooting why he can't run the docker container for database.

Me: Check if the port is busy.

Co-worker: To my knowledge, it isn't.

Me: Strange, it just works fine for me and everyone else.

Me: And you're sure you didn't already start it previously?

*We verify that it isn't running*

Me: I'm pretty sure the port is busy from that error message. Try another port.

Co-worker: Already did, it didn't work.

Me: And by any chance restarting your machine won't solve anything?

*It doesn't solve anything*

Me: Alright, I have some work to do, but I'll get back to this. Tell me if you find a solution.

Co-worker: Alright.

*** Time passes, when I get back he has switched to windows, dualboot, same machine ***

Me: I don't think you'll have a better time running the docker image on windows.

Co-worker: Oh, that's not what I'm looking for. You see, I had a database on my windows partition recently and I thought maybe thats why it won't start.

Me (screaming internally) : WTF ARE YOU STUPID, WINDOWS AND LINUX ISNT RUNNING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Me (actually saying): I don't think computers work like that.

Co-worker: My computer is magical. It does strange things.

Me: That's a logical conclusion.

*** More time passes ***

Co-worker solves the problem. The port was busy because Ubuntu was already running PostgreSQL on that port.

Third co-worker shimes in: Oh yeah, I had the exact same problem and it took me a long time to solve it.

Everyone is sitting in arms reach of each other.

So not only was I right from the start. Someone else heard this whole conversation and didn't chime in with his solution. And the troubleshooting step of booting into windows and looking if a database is running there ???? Wtf

Why was I put on this Earth?

I have a co-worker that always uses "I'm too old" as an excuse.

You're 33. You're just a lazy piece of shit that doesn't take care of his body.

Fuck you, do work.

Fucking co-worker!!
This asshole blamed the delay in delivery of the project on me.
I mean what the fuck dude, I was just helping you out. That wasn't even my job.
Pathetic people!

Everyone but me in my team touches the screen. Everyone except for my one co-worker G, she mashes it like the screen is at fault for the code being bad.

By far the best co-worker. She's doesn't bitch and complain or make excuses.
And let's be honest, she's cute as fuck.

It's strange what you can learn when you have too much deadtime.

Last week I learned balloon twisting through youtube videos. A co-worker and I decorated the desk of a co-worker for her birthday.

I made her this balloon throne (from Game of Thrones). Notice that I was soooooo bored.

She loved it ^_^

Co-worker: "We would appreciate it if your future commits weren't so ignorant and bigoted"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Co-worker: "You made the gender variable a boolean"
I... But... Okay...

Third day at work .. finally got my laptop Yaaay!! now I can code!
Me: Can I have access to the repository?
Co-worker: we don't have one.
Me: Silent!!

Former co-worker..
I have no idea why the fuck he thought this was a good idea..

Favorite co-worker conversations:

Guy 1: PHP can be plenty fast! Just put in APC, Memcached, and Varnish and you can handle just about any load.

Guy 2: So you're saying PHP is fast when it doesn't run.

The most incompetent co-worker is that idiot who wrote this piece of crappy code! Oh wait, that's me!

Even after our last cd="exit" alias prank, my co-worker forgot to lock his computer today.
I told him he had forgot to lock it.
His facial expression was priceless.
You could literally see the paranoia rising in his eyes.
Let's see if he finds anything funny with his computer....

Asked my co-worker if he had made a class to use for ftp connections.

He said he had.

This is what I found. FFS @michal78!

Want to see the Most incompetent co-worker?

My mind : See yourself in the mirror :(

me: "so what version control system + tool you're using for this website?"
co-worker: "what is version control?"
me: "uh... like tfs, you manage changes, merge etc!???"
co-worker: "ah, i'm using filezilla."

Most incompetent co-worker: 6 month ago me 😤

My co-worker gave me assets for my project with names like- layer_1, layer_1_copy, layer_1_copy_copy...

instead of ranting why php sucks or your co-worker being an ass in coding, why not have some of this?

From a co-worker:
That feeling of fear, when you gave your girlfriend the password to your PC, and after a few days she asks you "what's up with that 'sudo' thingy you type in all the time?"...

I'm doing code review. Unsure about the deadline, I ask my co-worker:
Me: "Guess I'm half through, when do I have to be done?"
Co-worker: "Well if you're half through, you are already half done."
Me: "No shit, Sherlock."

LOL

Me as Junior Dev doing mysql first time, specifically INSERT test data to test db, sucess on first try.

My Senior co-worker says: WOW, Baby's first INSERT...... that sounds so wrong out of context xD

Git is my best co-worker. Can't count the number of times he has saved my projects.

#4 Worst thing I've seen a co-worker do?

Not a direct co-worker, during a fire drill, a call center manger told all the agents to ignore the alarm and keep working.

Do not let your co-worker modify your code

My friend told me stories about his colleague who's always against him.

One time, during their management meeting, that colleague suggested that they should have a suggestion box in the office.

So my friend proposed that they use Google forms. He presented how Google forms work and the majority got really impressed(except the colleague).

Naturally the colleague is against him, he said "this is not what I had in mind". He wanted to have an actual box and people write suggestions on paper and drop it in(suggesting the ancient way).

Every meeting, the colleague complains a lot, and my friend provides techy and convenient solutions.

when your co-worker instead of commenting a piece of old code wraps it in:

if (false) {
...
}

Took me 2 hours to figure out why my changes weren't working.

My co-worker not only doesn't create unit tests, he comment out my own unit tests after he changes the code and the test breaks.

A co-worker reads my devRant about him and comes to my office to rant in person.

Just got a message from a co-worker out of the blue telling me he loves my code.
Happiest day of my life :D

Means more to me than any other achievement in my life.

Weirdest co-worker? I met this one guy who preferred waterfall to agile development...

Conversation with co-worker

Me: *Asks question 1*
Me: *Asks question 2*
Co-worker: *Answers only to question 2*

This happens way too often... Like, bruh... 😑

Loop counter conditions.

10 loops for example in this scenario:

i<=9
OR
i<10

Was arguing with a co-worker all week over this 😂

Co-worker: "I made the UI for feature X you asked me for"

Me: "Oh great tha... Why is it on the same screen as feature Y? Those features are unrelated?"

Co-worker: "Yea it was too much effort to create a new screen."

Me: "...?!?"

Every time I see this picture here on devRant I think of my annoying ass for a co-worker.
Not only does he refuse to listen to me and whines all the time, but when I show him a solution he copies my work right to the last semicolon. And proclaims himself to be God for "coming up with the solution".
Hubris much?

I got in an argument with a co worker, she says that mass surveillance programs are "none of my business" and I shouldn't care how they operate.

ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO GOOGLE IT IS MY BUSINESS.

Me: Hey man, this code looks horrible, let's move this to a function.
Co worker: don't worry, we will make it better later
Me (thinking): yeah for sure...

Context: a co-worker had sent an email and was worried about possible collateral damage.

Co-worker: uhm, you know how it is when something just doesn't feel right?

Me: sure, every time I clock in here.

Killing your co-worker.

When your co-worker of 2 years forgets to sweeten your tea.. (on the last day of a sprint no less)

where my fellow while(tea > 0){write(code)} peeps at

That moment a co-worker spotted u on devRant 😰

*based on a true story*

Co-worker: Let's release it
Me: Wait, I want to add just a little feature
Co-worker: Is it necessary?
Me: Trust me

*5 minutes later*

Co-worker: So, have you finished implementing your "little feature"?
Me: Yeah, well, it's done. Maybe.
Co-worker: What the hell have you done?
Me: MAYBE I've added 647 lines of codes to the file to implement my little feature, MAYBE it doesn't works and MAYBE the entire project is compromised
Co-worker: ah

Co-worker: dude, I need your help!
Me: all yours.
Co-worker: can't fix that sh$t over here.

[IDE]
Err on line~~
badFunction(...);

Me: piece of cake, gimme your keyboard.

[IDE]
Build successeful.

Co-worker: duuude, how did you...???
Me: Better not look.
Co-worker: but I am curious to know, ya know
Me: promise not to scream, k?
Co-worker: I just hope it's none of your old-stylish jokes.
Me: oh dude, you know me for years, trust me, it's fine.
Co-worker: -_-

Having a co-worker who I consistently must support with using the basic funionaity of our software, getting me dragged in to a senior management meeting to tell me and my boss that I am too incompetent to do my job. All because something out of my control was taking longer than they would have liked.

This same co-worker deleted a folder on a server full of live data because they "wanted to see what it would do" then wondered why I revoked their Admin rights to that folder.

I want to scream at them every day.

Our company Nerf wars got a little rowdy one year, and a co-worker knocked over a (senior citizen) co-worker just to “win”. Like full on take down body slam. So much for no physical contact.

When your co-worker asks for a more memorable hostname for the next dev cluster...

Our co worker name is Blas Ortíz and we made this

Just wanted to say my co-worker Jason is a bitch, thanks for handing me broken projects to fix. He's always on this so I hope he sees this 🙃

Never accuse a co-worker of making a really stupid change to your code unless you know for certain that they made the change instead of you.

That annoying co-worker that asks you each and everything about programming and when you tell them, they be like "Oh I already knew that"

WTF Bitch!

When a co-worker creates a six page website that has over 60 separate CSS files?

Happy Friday! Another gem from my favorite Senior Developer co-worker...

#demtooltips

I have a co-worker that sits near me for the last 4 years, and every time that I'm on the phone or talking with someone he is like "shhh! Do it somewhere else!" :S

When you co-worker gets screwed because of your code.

I have a co-worker that thinks that whole world is a big conspiracy theory and the earth is flat. And this weirdo is a dev... FML

Co worker fixes all his bugs with code.
In this case a hornet with an if-then statement

Today in the office, a co-worker and me had a synchronised rant. Both sitting at each our desks, and independently of each other, he suddenly cursed "I hate text fields" while I burst out "network, piece of shit!"

Me: eh probably shouldn’t push to prod on Friday, maybe not even before the first...

Co worker: no balls

Me:

Have you ever had a problem with a partner, but you cannot prove at 100% that he has something against you? But you cannot stand him?

Well, this happened two years ago. I was working as a tester, and “John” (I won’t say his real name) was the dude who tests my tests, but in production.

I ‘m a sociable person, and I don’t mind talking with another people. Suddenly, I noticed that my co-worker started to behave a little bit... rude? Plain? I don’t know, but sometimes he didn’t answer my conversations/questions, or sometimes answered with extra-negative stuff.

“Well, his life is not easy” I said to myself. “Everybody haveproblems”, “I have to understand him and calm down”.

Two weeks later started to report really REALLY absurd production bugs, and with absurd I mean, for example, that he didn’t like the color of a button, a point next to a phrase, etc., things very very simples, but sometimes he ignored big errors.

Once I had to went out of the city for few hours, and asked to permission to go out. I had pending tests, but I left a document with specifications in case of emergency. Even passwords. Before I could finish the thing in the other city, my partner called me two times, and asking me obvious things! I had to go back to the office ealier that I had planned, so f*** angry 😡 and when I arrived to the office, John said “no, forget it, let’s solve it tomorrow” 🙃 WTF?!!!!!!

I decided not to argue with him.

Also noticed that his headaches suddenly increased, and looked so tired ☹️ I felt guilty to judge him

I felt so guilty, and even today I don’t know what to feel about that or what to think. I don’t work there anymore, but, What do you think? What would you do?

Co-worker: Why are you deleting this piece of code?

Me: It's deprecated and it can be made in a better way. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing

Also me: OH SHIT THE ENTIRE PROJECT IT'S RUINED

Does anyone know an extension or library that helps determine if a co-worker is into me?

Or how to handle such inputs

I keep getting a fatal error: call to undefined function

I have a co-worker who negative-indents his function bodies. Minus four spaces. Every function. Not an IDE thing either, he does it intentionally.

I've never seen anything like it.

Once caught my co-worker masturbaed in a zoom meeting, without realising the webcam and mic weren't off.

When your co-worker thinks the Onion is a legit publication and believes in all its tech news 😁

"OMG Google puts metal chips in their developers' heads, thats why they are so efficient"
Me: ok :|

"Artificial intelligence is real and it has taken over the world, all world leaders are bots"
Me: ok :|

"Obama is not a real person but a robot and he is not just ruling America but the world"
Me: sweet :|

"Even Lisa Ann is not real"
Me: FUCK YOU, Dont fuckin kill my wet dreams

A co-worker doesn't like to use async/await operators, so he's always changing the code to use promises and callbacks and apparently async functions whitout awaits...

The co-worker in my office that gets nudes from his ex girlfriend via web messenger.
(To be clear the distraction is not the co-worker 😂)

*at work*

co-worker: what are u doing?

me: programming and learning

co-worker: but school has just started... u guys havent learnt anything yet

me: thats the great thing about programming, everything is already in the internet waiting to be read and learned. try it next time ;)

co-worker: learning out of school, no thanks

When you decide to cover for a co-worker and end up having to face a disciplinary meeting ...

So my co-worker refuses to use Interface in Go because he dislikes php and interface is "the php way to do things". Anyone with experience dealing with this kind of ignorance?

Oh look, you aren't doing shit. You have 2 weeks worth of testing to complete and you are checking out stories on the Yahoo front page.

Useless. Completely incompetent. Idiot. Imbecile. Moron. Stupid. How dense? Let me count the ways...

Do you know anything?! You use big words to sound important and look like you know your shit. In reality, you have no clue!

How you have managed to capture this job is baffling to me. It shows there is much work to be done to filter out toxic, incompetent people like you. Otherwise, the industry will be plagued with a terrible fear of sub-par employees.

Your lack of common decency for the office space is appalling. Your attitude and "can do no wrong" personality is disgusting. And the cherry on top? It is impossible for you to admit mistakes and take ownership for your actions. You can be inexperienced, stressed out, or even make a mistake once in a while. Yet, the moment you DO fuck up and act like nothing was your fault, that most of it was MY fault, or the TEST environment's fault, or the other team's fault, a lack of resources, a lack of time, ANYTHING but your own damn incompetence, you are dead to me.

You are, by far, the worst co-worker I have ever had.

so my co-worker uses emojis in comments
ex:
// i don't know what's this i just copied it from stackoverflow and it works 😂

Doing a code review for a co-worker in a different country

The requirement was to dynamically show a field; they didn't understand it and thus they removed the field.

FML.

Meeting with a co-worker who is supposed to do a code analysis on a large legacy project. Actually, HER project - she inherited it already years ago, and the original devs aren't in the company anymore.

Her: customer is asking this and that analysis.
Me: easily two weeks.
Her: but who will do that?
Me: you of course.
Her: but I don't know most of the code.
Me: me neither.
Her: and I don't know the protocols.
Me: google them. I'd have to do the same.

Really, I told her to google shit, which I consider as quite a slap for a co-worker. Basically, she tried to offload a complex analysis because she just wants the low effort parts of the job.

Won't happen. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!

Most incompetent co-worker?

... Me

What's the funniest advice you've ever received from a co-worker?

Mine is: "Always code like someone with a short temper and a machete will be reviewing your code"

Dialogue when I entered the room of a co-worker, and it wasn't an individual office.

Me: YO MAMA her son bitching 'bout compiler licence?
Him: Kiss my ass!
Me: Could cram a wet roll of toilet paper down your pants.
Him: Yeah that'd come pretty close.

Other co-workers: WTF?

Sometimes I feel like I should handle my frameworks like Trump handles America.
No foreign code.

But then again.. Teaching my co-workers is better than just blaming them.

A co-worker on a gigantic PR i made:

"the worst thing about this pr is that while i was reviewing it, I forgot about my coffee and it turned cold. Otherwise good job!"

*Client calls and asks for a restful api in php*
Me: So the client called and asked for a restful service specifically in php
Co-worker: I'm gonna write it in python.
Me: *disowns co-worker*

The best kind of team work.

Not co-worker, but class mate. Specifically, my group mate.
Boy, I could fill an entire book with the “what the fuck” moments.

Here, the prior question of his was “why is this happening?”

I am the weirdest co-worker.

On call at 2100. Call at 2101. Co-worker off at 2100, call at 2059. Neither were problems with our infrastructure. They were with the callers' teams fucking up.

When I started on the job I was placed underneath a senior employee.
Never got as much training as I wanted to.
Bc less then a week later they messaged in the group chat they were quiting.

Blabbering co-worker rant.

So this bonker who speaks non-stop for 15 minutes without even a breather break is more annoying than I thought.

1. She used to work for a project A and then they moved her to my project. She kept cribbing she wants to continue working on A because that's where her expertise are. So management hired a new team member so she can continue on A and new member can work with me.

Now next week, the new member is joining us. As we prepare the onboarding plan, bonker comes crying that she wants to work on my project and NOT on Project A. She is forcing us to give Project A to new team member.

Manager upfront rejected her proposal and told her that she'd be working on A.

2. She literally gives orders. Her tone is rude and blunt. The other day ordered me to review her presentation and kept following up even when I said I was busy. Same tone and attitude with manager.

Then she complained about my behaviour saying I was a bossy person even when I used the most polite tone (because I have actively worked on and built my social skills).

3. Knows shit about the product, has no skill set, asks the same question 10 times, and isn't able to deliver bare minimum.

And then evidently everyone follows up with me because I am on top of everything (because I have to as bonker can't function).

4. She lied to me that company gives good hikes and easy promotions.

She was kicked out of her previous project because of her incompetency.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my manager saved her ass. But she literally is the most stupid person I have worked with me in my entire career.

5. She has no communication skills, something that is highest valued skill in my profession. And when I do my normal, it pisses her off. She keeps complaining that I am overstepping.

If I don't then product will just fall apart and everyone might get fired because of no work.

And that is causing her insecurities and she starts fear mongering about both of us being fired.

I told our manager upfront that I want to lead the product and she was more than happy about the proposal. What sucks is that my manager is leaving this month end and I'll have to build trust with my new line manager.

Ugh!! She is annoying..

Showed my coworker this. He sat there staring in agony and groaning.

Coworker: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

Me: "Is your coworker broken? Fix them in just three easy steps!"

*Me testing my api with vue.js*

Me: can you please update salesforce content and add new image.

Coworker: Done,image updated:

Me: did you click the sync button? Image seems to be not loading.

Co-worker: why don't you clear your browsing history and clear your cache.

Me: (talking to myself: you are asking me to clear my cache? ME? ME? ME?) Smiles back to coworker.

Co-worker: Did it work?

Me: Nope! Seems to it that you have not sync the content on salesforce. Please hit the sync button.

Co-worker: I did!

Me: I ask co-worker B he said content is not sync.

So I had a guy in my team, all day shouted "shitty code this, shitty code that"...
Today I had to fix some things, seen some really crappy code, said to myself "I've got to check who's the author of this beauty"... It was him... How the fuck can you shout shitty code on other peoples work when yours ain't better?!?

Want to annoy a co-worker, replace a semi colon with a Greek question mark (U+037E) 😈

We are probably reading alot of "this co-worker was so bad because blah blah blah..." from people who actualy were the real shitty co-worker and are still blaming others for his/hers mistakes.
Not a week rant that i can trust...

Have a t-shirt saying "Sysadmin - Because even developers need heroes" fellow co-worker said "that's not precise enough" I am looking forward to what he will come up with

Me -Hey did you run through the UTC(s) ?

Co-worker - Yeah.

Me-How many failed?

Co-worker - None!

This project is either going defect-less or Its just the calm before the storm.

My russian ex co-worker, who had cut his toenails during meetings in office. Wtaf!!!! Disgusting

When your offshore co-worker pronounces your colleagues' names like this :|

Hardik - HARD DICK
Dipesh - DEEP ASS
Pinkesh - PINK ASS

"So DeepAss and PinkAss are handling Backend and Harddick is Frontend right"
Me: right 😁😁

My co-worker, still studying but working as a "senior dev", just decided that we don't need a test/staging environment anymore. We just "validate" (we also don't use the word "test" anymore) newly created features in production.

Makes absolutely sense...

Thank god I have a new job from february on!

When a co-worker casually tells another co-worker "We're going to have so many merge conflicts"

I was having fun, when I aliased my co worker cd="exit", he spent his whole day on fixing it and decided to install os again. damn poor :/

Another gem from same co-worker who is a "Senior Developer". Unnecessary function that fills a dropdown box(?!) with numbers 1-100. I really really hate this guy.

Bonus: Best Practice Example of Naming Variables...

That moment when you teaching your coworkers about vba:
Me: and you close the formula with a curly bracket
Co-worker: Wow that's easy, and you say coding is hard
Me: you're right, here try to learn Java

When your bitch-ass co-worker inserts something that is plain useless in the program in every degree

Pheww, it's real sad when a favorite co-worker leaves :/

Its so frustrating when your co-worker whines about project issues in the washroom :|

Let me fuckin pee first motherfu... :/

Time is money.
…and you get what you pay for.

–My co-worker

Today at 'Derp & Co' a fellow co-worker decided that had duplicated data on Relational DB is good!

- Dev: 'but what if we have 2 companies in diferents groups?''

- co-worker: 'Just call it company A and Company B'

- Dev: 'but... this is not what...'

- co-worker: 'Trust me Dev, is the easy way'

I want the professional way, not the easy (and damn wrong) way :(, I can't improve myself like this.

Also, dead line is here too... TT^TT
Last sprint and still with doubts about the DB structure.

Did some uncompleted changes.

Pushed to master..

At friday evening...

Before christmas....

Still an amazing person😂

Co worker said Windows will have Linux commands implemented therefore we should throw Linux.

"Windows always better than stupid Linux" my co-worker says...

It's not Linux. It's GNU/Linux bitch.

Worst disturbance is co worker microwaving eggs for breakfast and then eating them at his desk.

One thing about microwaved eggs cause the egg smell to be intensified like 100x

I was working late one day and a "dumb" co-worker and another co-worker who work later than me were both there. "Dumb" co-worker was a few feet from me and the other co-worker didn't know I was working late that day. So she comes out of the break room and says "Oh, Team Manager, you're still here?"
I jokingly say "No, I left!"

Honest to god, "dumb" co-worker jumps out of her seat and says "HE'S LYING, HE'S STILL HERE."

Fuck-a-doodle-do Fuck Fuck Fuck what a fucking dipshit. Scared the god damn shit out of me.

So I am deep in code, listening to my music pounding out some code and Drupal configurations and I feel a shadowy draft over my right side like someone is watching me.

I work with a guy that will not for the fucking life of me use Slack to send me a message when I have my headphones on or at all for that matter.

He gets up and walks to my cubicle and just stares with a goofy fucking grin on his face. You know the one. LIke a retarded fucking dog eating shit out of a wire brush. Yeah that's the grin. Silently derping with his fucking derp ass Derp McDerpington face waiting on you to turn around an notice him there instead of knocking on the cubicle wall or waving to get your attention.

The FUCK dude? CreepyPasta

There shouldn't be "I don't like you so I'm gonna hinder your work" at professional workplaces.
Feels like I'm dealing with a kindergarten kid. WTF.

Sometimes I read a rant on here, and I swear its a co-worker of mine that's written it since I've heard him make almost the exact same rant....

I had a weird dream last night: at the office, my co-worker sliding a wide rubber band over my cup of coffee up and down 🤔☕

When your co-worker, that btw has no idea wtf he's talking about, comes with his opinion that you happen to hate, on a project you have worked on for months.

My co-worker pointing out there is a problem with my code that isn't implemented 100% yet. Hinting she wanted me to finish it over the weekend.

Yeah FMDL.

Co-worker: At my last job "I was technically lead dev", so don't mind me telling you what to do and criticizing every line of code you write. (He said that in finger quotes. I am also paraphrasing the last part, but you get the gist).

Me: So the fact that we are both level 3 programmers means nothing?

Co-worker: Exactly! See you understand!

Me in my mind: What a prick!

Just a little context there aren't any lead devs at our company, our boss doesn't want any. Also we have been working at this company together for 3 years, and this co-worker just said that to me today, WTF?

I love the irony that the devrant stress ball my co-worker just received is the beginning of my stress.... bounce bounce bounce AHHHH!

My coworker is a grade A super badass.
He work as a consultant and is only on site 2 days a week. He wasnt here on tuesday but got in today, first thing he did was starting to complain about some improvements we made during the week. Next he decided to remove and destroy parts of our software and check in his "improvements". Then without telling anyone about his changes he went home after lunch.

What a legend.

when the co-worker you are competing with for devRant points down votes your rant to try to win.

When you show a co worker dev rant and he goes all 404. While sitting next to you.

Co-Worker: How can I see what's linked to x variable in the database for this website? [we can't see the actual back end]
Me: Do a var dump...
Co-Worker: but what var do I dump?

Co-worker: I'm so tired of working on Wordpress sites! I didn't go to school just to do this all day!
Me: well you can help me with this Magento site...
Co-worker: ...

Some of us have co-worker who never wrote comment in their code.

Co-worker is in his office.
Co-worker whistles continuously "The rains of Castamere" from the Game of Thrones series.
I like Game of Thrones.
I also like the series' score.
But not the way my co-worker interprets it.
Because it's wrong.
Anyway, he whistles.
Sometimes louder, sometimes less so.
It's very out of tune.
It's annoying.
I can't concentrate, let alone code.
Co-worker goes to a meeting.
Silence.
I delete the bullshit I've written earlier.
Then, I get some coding done.
Then, I'm relaxed again.
Then, Co-worker returns.
Now he hums.
It's the same song.
Over and over again.
Again.
It's not that much out of tune, but it's still annoying.
I can't think, I can't concentrate, let alone code.

My thoughts drift to a certain Red Wedding.
I imagine it in vivid detail.
Strangely, it's a happy place right now.
I imagine throwing my screen through two fucking walls.
I don't do it, because the laws of physics are against me.
But the thought is enough.
I'm at peace, again.

... also, I got to leave early today, so I got that going for me which is nice.

(I already had to tell that co-worker *not* to whistle loudly in the cafeteria - you can hear it in a big part of the building. We had some important customers over and Office Management was not amused.)

I have a co-worker that gives me shit for locking my computer. Uh what?

Co-worker @9:00 AM: "What happened with project A?"

Me @9:01 AM: "Project B has a higher priority. Will look into project A later.*

Co-worker @9:05 AM: "Cool. Good luck with project B."

Me @9:05 AM: "Thanks."

Co-worker @11:00 AM: "Been looking into project A but could not understand what xyz means. Would you mind jumping on a call?".

Me: 😑

I asked my former boss for some clarification via mail. Given a table, I was supposed to edit some user info in the company system. Had some questions on a few entries only my boss could answer.
Boss would organize a meeting, also inviting a more experienced co-worker I worked with. When the meeting starts, I get to know that my boss will join in a few minutes..... few minutes later, boss cancels the meeting. So it's me and the co-worker, who cannot answer my questions.
A simple mail could've solved it...

Just saved a co-worker by having an installer from 8 months ago in a folder called "desktop", 4 levels deep in folders called "desktop", all on my desktop. My hoarding habits finally saved the day!!!

My current co-worker takes this prize. He's quiet, good at what he does and only communicated with me when absolutely necessary or when we are both obviously on some down time. Cheers to you, mate!

A co-worker was running into a little permission issue with some dependencies and my reflex was to say, "chmod dat hoe!".

My russian ex co-worker, who had to cut his toenails during meetings in office. Wtaf!!!!

Disgusting.

OMG you fucking little cunt!

Previous issue with this co-worker we hate eat other but can maintain minimal contact due to covid. Last interaction was actually nice, we joked a bit.

He teaches me how to do the build and ‘updated’ the confluence page. By update he striked through one paragraph.

Been doing these for week and now others what builds done all the time and since I am not an asshole they can approach me to do this but now I spend all
day long doing builds.

Work on a classified app so it has to
be burned on a disk, taken to a ‘secret machine’ and deployed. Takes about an hour and people are like. Can you rebuild it? I forgot to commit something?

So I updated the page to flush out the directions. Did not remove one thing only added things simple things like do a ls -lah in the dist folder to make sure the are built correctly. Things like check to make the symlink works, bolded words.

He was not at standup so I figured he was out of the office today and was going to ask him to review tomorrow.

Fucker goes in to make changes while I am making changes and doesn’t think to msg me telling me?

He is removing things and moving things which is fine just let me know! What a dick!!!!!

Screenshot of all the activity today, I am
in blue. I will spend all day watching the page to make sure I get the last fucking edit!

I swear my co worker said we were meeting at the data center at 10pm all week! I call him and he says 10:30. Wtf?!!! Well guess I got some time to read more rants.

When your co developer talks down to your like she's your boss.....

*clenches jaw*

My former co-worker was sitting right next to me and one day he bought Das Keyboard. He was so kind giving me a pair of earplugs.

Debugged a complex bug at 10 PM, drunk and eating potato wedges, while on the phone with another drunk co worker.

Woke up next morning and had no memory of the fix.

We all know this one co-worker who is an dumb askhole

The one smartass co-worker who always has a point to prove.

Me: Did you notice <application> is doing <bug>?
Best co-worker: Hmmm yea, I noticed.
Me: It must be because of <faulty implementation>.
Best co-worker: Yeah, don't worry I'll correct it.
Me: *moves on happily to other things*

a co-worker was approached a conference by a guy asking what she was doing there. I don't think he was expecting the answer "I'm speaking at this conference". I can't imagine being a woman in tech

My best co-worker and teamplayer in games. Unlike like his stupid wireless brother, this buddy is cheap, super-efficient and literally a Genius with capital G.

My new co-worker, a Jr. developer who started 2 weeks ago told me; "I am starting to see in my dreams the solutions of my tasks."

"Welcome to the club.", I said. :P

My best co-worker is a wooden turtle.

Spent 2 hours trying get ng-model working with <select> with no success. Then co worker came and changed model from string to object and moon walked back to his seat.

Best co-worker quitting story? A co-worker quit, another co-worker quit, and eventually I quit, too :-)

Still happy to be my own boss ever since!

Thank God,
I haven't had any incompetent co-worker yet 😉

So I'm working our remote build/testing server, and all of a sudden my computer just turns off. No crash message, no error, just turned off. My co-worker tries to help troubleshoot the problem.

Nothing.

I take the computer downstairs to the hardware department. They plug it in and it starts no problems.

After it finishes updating, I take it back upstairs and plug it back in.

Nothing.

I suggest that it is the power cable, and my co-worker looks under his desk. Turns out he had kicked the switch on the surge protector. 😑

Coworker:Awe..
Fuck me...
Fuck fuck.... I fucked up...This fucking url..

..... Fuck. ... Pages

Me. What's going on buddy
Co worker: pages are down
Me: that sucks bro watchu do

Co worker: nothing too bad

Me: 😕 .. ok..

..... I'm still hearing the "fuuhhhcks" , and groans.

Guess who's delivering the news ... Does dev rants give stress beers.

When I'm still a beginner in git, I always use git push origin <branch_name> --force, for the sake of pushing my code on the master branch. My co-worker always complain why the hell there's always conflict on the master branch.

When your PR has been sitting for days, and your co-worker submits a PR for the same thing and merges it right away.

Best co-worker i have had was a 25 old guy with narcolepsy. He fall asleep every hour for about 10 minutes.

When you spend 2 hours brainstorming with your overly-opinionated co-worker before starting work on a feature and their opinion is completely different when your PR goes out. Worse than clients...

Today, making a list out loud while in a conversation with a co-worker.
Me:
"thing one" *puts out hand*,
"thing two" *raises thumb*,
"thing three" *raises index finger*,
"thing four" *raises middle finger*

Co-worker: "That's 3 fingers, you said 4 things.."
Me: "I guess I mentally counted in base 0.."

I think I would qualify as the weirdest co worker. Does that count?

Co-worker that is awesome at copying and pasting and later asks for help cause something doesn't work.