Shit happens... but never let your shit go to far... specially while in production or drunk.

Had to debug an issue,

*ssh user@domain*
"some wild network connection issue"
*hmm weird.. *
*checks everything again*
*hmm seems alright.. *
*tries again*
*same damn error*
*ssh -v user@domain*
*syntax error thingy on the -v part*
😮
*messages co-worker asking what the fuck could be giving on*
"ey mate check your aliases 😂"
*alias"
"alias ssh="echo {insert network connection issue"*

*loud laughing from the co-worker I messaged*

MOTHERFUCKER 😆

Website: "your ad blocker's on, consider adding us to your white list..."
Me: *inspect element*
Me: *Delete modal*
*Insert montage of me hacking into the mainframe for dramatic purposes*

I'm in. 😎

If you're going to bother to detect that my input is without hyphens, then you can certainly insert them for me too.

Year 2013

- Trying this thing called Bitcoin
- Setup wallet in spare USB drive
- Buy 0.5 BTC (couldn’t afford more)
- Forgot about it

Year 2016

- Remembered I had bought BTC
- Looking like crazy for my USB drive
- Found it!
- Insert it into PC
- only one file in it
- essay_blah_blah_<sisters name>.doc
- poof, gone for ever

How to plug a USB in a USB port:

1. Try to insert it
2. If it doesn't go, rotate it 180 degrees
3. Of it doesn't go, rotate it back
4. There you go

Nice job.
('Insert your license agreement here')

Stackoverflow, Quora, hacker news, and any other {{insert random blog/site here}} makes me feel like an ant amongst a bunch of perfect super coders (okay exaggeration)... Thanks devrant for making me feel normal! 😂 #comfort

I have the habit of immediately closing parentheses after opening them, then insert the code.

The problem is, this applies to hand writing as well. Because you cannot move characters in a hand written exam I spend half of the time writing, then removing parentheses.
Whyyy brain

Just spent 15 seconds trying to insert a HDMI cable upside down. Today is going great.

Client: I need this *insert app/machine/thing* ASAP! No excuses!

*work overtime just to get it done*

*after 2 weeks of finishing it*

Me: So has the thing worked without issues?
Client: Oh, I haven’t even used it yet!

:/

I have this guy who screams and keeps on slamming the table in a meeting room (there is only the project developer inside), about how important to LTRIM RTRIM in sql, combining multiple insert into 1 stored procedure, making a big deals of small feature since we’re on a tight schedule, bla bla bla

Worse retard ever

I almost punched him

Fuckin hell!!

Code works everywhere except at one client. Ok, I check logs & see something missing.. I go check the code that handles excel files.. try catch and do nothing.. great.. :/ ok let's log this shit to see what is not ok...
Insert logs, build, update, run.. now it freakin works o.O

Insert *Every manager ever*

The perfect way to learn a new language.
Make your own documentation.

Our programming teacher always wanted us to do this (in C#):

somedatatype somevarname;
somevarname = somevalue;

You were NEVER allowed to:

somedatatype somevarname = somevalue;

"Can't I just do it in one line?"
"No."
"Why?"
"<insert dumb statement here that gives no reason whatsoever>"

**insert caption here**

Literally bought a smartphone for devrant, didn't insert a sim, just hooked on wifi went on playstore to download devrant.

Hey man can you fix my tv, computer, toaster, phone, or hack this phone i found, can you hack me a wifi, can you make me a website/app i have a really good idea. (For free of course)
Hey man you only need a good idea for an app then become rich.
(Insert countless of other retarded requests here)

Someone kill me

"We must support IE8"
*insert Darth Vader nooooo gif here*

I hope they make an anime about being a dev and the enemy is the deadline.

Dev: ill use this coding technique number 111

Deadline: impossible

Insert explosion effect here

Someone managed to insert a micro sim into a mini simcard tray, support jobs aaaaaaaargh

Ok, I just have had wasted 30 mins of my life trying to figure out why one of the stupids grids of the shitty project of my company is missing one element....

...please, always sanitize the data before insert in the db... please....

*while visiting my parents once in while*

Mom : son, help! I have a problem with my [insert technological device here]!

Me : ugh... Here we go again. *Applies physical presence near mom and said problematic device*

Mom : oh, well... It's working now! Thanks!

Me : numberOfFixes++; // ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last week I had a presentation of a project (webapp) for a customer.

She: "Can I do {insert feature here}?
Me: "Is that a question or a feature request?"

Insert is the most useless key in my keyboard :)

The Rockstar feeling when you successfully insert USB drive in the first try B)

Customer: “How many concurrent users can use this app?”
Me: “web tech is stateless. (Insert explanation) So concurrency is meaningless.”
Customer: “yeah but how many concurrent users?”
Me: “infinite as long as they aren’t interacting with the server.”
Customer: “but how many?”
Me: “400”

Was asked to make an e-sign system that manipulates PDFs to insert an image and the date at different coordinates on x number of different pages.

200 hours later, it was done. Now I'm the PDF guy

Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!

fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?

Managers: Well, fix it!

fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.

Managers: ...

fullStackClown: ...

Kill me. 🤡

“Never,never, never, NEVER eat raw userinput“

Referring to stuff like “insert into foo (bar) values ($_POST[username])“

The "explain x to an x years old boy/girl" questions are easy yet tricky.

Interviewer: Explain machine learning to an 8th years old kid.

"Imagine if <insert anecdotal example here>"

Interviewer: The kid is asleep. Try harder.

Manager: Here's the design for the next feature, we're ready to hand it over to the consultant

FullStackClown: Uh... okay... is it spec'd out with requirements?

Manager: Huh?

FullStackClown: Well, already look at this design and user flow, did you consider what happens when <insert edge case X here>, <insert edge case Y here>, or <insert edge case Z here>? How is the consultant going to know what to put in for business logic if you don't even know or define it yourself?

Manager: Huh?

FullStackClown: Sigh... yeah, I'm too busy right now to be a kindergarten teacher, come back in a few days once you understand how your own feature is supposed to work

Manager: ...

Dev: ...

IT Requests:

"I need (insert vague IT related need), because otherwise we can't do our job."

- What have you been doing up until now?

Hey devBanner guys..i forget who handles the project

@kimmax and @CozyPlanes come to mind?

question: why block \r\n ect, when i can still insert new lines?

Me as Junior Dev doing mysql first time, specifically INSERT test data to test db, sucess on first try.

My Senior co-worker says: WOW, Baby's first INSERT...... that sounds so wrong out of context xD

!rant
When you get a +1 from @dfox and feel like *insert famous person here* took the time to read your rant... 😃

I don't think I've EVER wanted to hit the insert key.

"You know what would be great?"
"What?"
"If typing erased what you've already done so you can't actually edit anything"
"Sounds pretty great"

<INSERT ORIGINAL KRACK JOKE HERE>

#wk54
I would like to insert a usb type A at first shot

Trees floating on water

*insert CSS joke here*

@dfox you said there'd be sweatshirts...it's cold as fuck here...I need a sweatshirt

*Insert some witty joke about devs never making deadlines*

Hmm our bundle js is already 1.35Mb maybe I should do something with that.

... Insert 2 hours of frantic webpack magic + babel-preset tweeking, tree-shake code optimization ...

- npm run build
- bundle.js => 1.37Mb

Great Success! I'm going to take a lunch...

Once I quit this job, I'm never getting a Mac again. I know many like working on one but for me it just gets in my way, it's naggy, the window manager is clunky, homebrew is a crappy package manager compared to pacman and good do I miss focus follow mouse. This is the third time that I've used macos for insert a year and it has actually gotten less pleasant over time.

"Shouldn't be a problem. I can get <insert new feature here> implemented by <insert wildly optimistic time>. "

What is wrong with me?! Why do I keep doing this!?

Saw this on a thread about ways people exit Vim's insert mode.

So I decided to start learning vim.

The amount of times that I insert ":wq" into my file!!

*Looks up advice on how to implement something
*Finds reasonable, well written advice on Stack Overflow that recommends not using <insert latest framework here>
*Ignores advice
*Two hours of exasperated coding and git resets later
*Goes back and upvotes advice

So true 🤔.

Shit that annoys me: People use the store (insert google play/apple/other) rating with one star to ask questions instead of fucking filling the stupid contact form or send an email to tech support.

So we have this HUGE ass project , really challenging , that my boss and "PM" have been meeting with the client for months now...

I got on board , guess what?

NO ONE HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ON WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANT!!!!!

ALL FUCKING GENERIC REQUIREMENTS!!! WHAT THE FUUUCK!!!

[ insert fucking pitch screaming!!!! ]

FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

Today I explained a young kiddo that <insert multilayer game here> cannot work without servers.
Then he asked me how I don't get bored writing so much...

Oh, my promotion happens whenever I'm on a call with a sales guy, who announces they have a (insert grandiose job title here) on the call in case the client has any technical questions.

Unfortunately it comes with no pay rise, and I'm immediately demoted again when the call ends ;)

Got this in my mail, so I placed a bid to deliver for $10 in 24 hours. Wish I could insert a smaller amount.

Client:
Monday: change the color of a button
Tuesday: change the top of home page
Wednesday: insert new image on site
Thursday: change the text
...

WHY YOU DONT ASK ALL CHANGES ONE TIME????

Today, my dad can finally ditch his iPhone 4 which is passed down from my eldest sis to my mom and to my dad, all thanks to my brother-in-law getting a Samsung Galaxy J7 on Black Friday.

Finally. No more Apple bullshit in my house!! NO FUCKING MORE!!! *insert hysterical laughter* GOODBYE STUPID 20-PIN CHARGER CABLE~ GOODBYE ITUNES~ GOODBYE ICLOUD~ FUCK YOU!!!

Me vs Facebook support

Me: I'm having trouble with xyz even though I followed your instructions. You have problems with the Arabic language*insert very detailed and professional explanation here with links*

FB Support: please follow the instructions here *insert link*

Me: I already followed those, that's why I'm asking for your help. Please provide detailed instructions.

FB Support: We can't help you, we don't provide detailed instructions, please follow instructions provided in said links.

Why the fuck are you called support then huh? I can read the damn documentation.. Hell I get paid for reading the motherfucking documentation!!

Yes I totally care about what some dipshit at [insert conference] has to say, now let me in on my desktop that doesn't run anything that has anything to do with k8s pls

It's not a compsci paper if it doesn't start the intro with "Recent advances in [insert name of subfield] show that ..."

Can you *insert something about computing and totally not related with the job*?

Manager: How's (insert dumbass task that they assigned literally 1 hour ago) going? 😊

Dev: We have JIRA for a reason, you'll see it will be moved to demo / review when it's ready.

Manager: ...

Dev: ...

[insert any corporate IT job here]

Hey. I am recruiter X from irrelevant startup Y. We automatically sent you a message with our LinkedIn bot because we think you may like working in an irrelevant language and an overhyped useless technology. I hope you love working overtime and getting burned out. :)

Free beers, silicon valley blabla. Insert irrelevant information about millions of dollars of funding blabla.

We live in a world where WEAKNESS has become a virtue.

- I'm oppressed!
- My mental health!
- I need a helper!
- I'm sensitive!
- You're fatphobic!
- <INSERT SJW's IDENTITY term>

In today's world, you score more social points for describing yourself as weak & blaming 'oppressors' for your miserable life

I get frustrated when I get reports from the support team/clients

"[insert application name here] is not working"

thats all no information on which module or segment ... 😭😭

then I just waste time getting all the information ...

People ranting about programmers in <insert language> not being programmers because <insert other language> is better...

fren: do you have a date this valentines?

me: nah fam

fren: what u doin rn

me: [Insert technical explanation of Kubernetes here]

fren: [goes offline]

When I launch my startup, I'm gonna insert all kinds of very stupid and weird error messages in place of the actual errors just so the people can have a chuckle instead of being annoyed
maybe someone's gonna post it on reddit or something, I don't mind, that's actually a good thing

/* A normal day at office */

// A non tech guy sitting next to me
// Wants to save a file on his system.
Him: Moves Cursor. Clicks File->Save.
Me: *facepalm*
<!-- moments later -->
// Time to save a file
Me: Ctrl-SSS
Runs code.
<!-- insert picture here -->
Me: Alt-TAB. Ctrl-Z. Ctrl-S.
Him: *sigh*

Customer: "Yeah we need <insert bonkers 12 step circular logic> to find a thing(s) in the database."

Me: "Ok let me diagram this out and I'll send it to you to review.... but man this seems like the 8th version of this we're doing right?"

Customer: "Yeah well <employee Y> says they can't do B, C without this."

Me: "Wait... can't they just <insert the most simple step in the history of time> in step A, and then later on they won't have to do all this hunting later? Like you have that data at step A right?"

Customer: "Yeah but <employee Y> doesn't want to do that."

Me: "She's your direct report ....."

Customer: "Yes...."

Me: "Ok.... I'll send you the diagram and the cost estimate...."

Whatever reason sometimes it is a bit draining coding madness compared to making things actually efficient / people's jobs easier...

You think YOU chose *insert js framework here*? Think again!

Working as a software engineer but: co-workers randomly walk into my office to ask me <<insert random IT problem (i.e. mouse not working etc.)>> while I'm deeply focused programming. Trying to close my office door results in co-workers backbiting...

Why can't they just go to the IT administrator who's work it is to handle their fucking problems?

Zoom is no meeting software.
At best, a webcast something.

*insert deity here* do I hate the overlay, sound options and speaker focus.
I want to choose wether the sound on coffee breaks keeps playing at 260%. FFS!

[wordpress trigger warning]

Had an idiotic colleague who re-implemented the insert image function as a shortcode. A “senior php developer”. No, I’m not kidding.

Him: “But this way we can set a class”
Me: “As you can with the standard mode”
Him “No you can’t”
Me: *shows*
Him (smiling): “well why don’t you remove my stuff then?”

- Insert alt text here (but don't remove the placeholder).

Client wants a webapp where every label on all form inputs are configurable, even the fucking login form ("Login" and "Password" text)

They also want it to send emails where the message is configurable too (they can insert your own HTML)

so basically they want the entire fucking webapp to be configurable, all without requiring any code change.

I could use a "configurable" torture device right now.

Business: We want this exactly like [insert competitor’s web product].

Me: Oh, so like [this major obvious feature]?

Business: Oh no! Not that! Everything else but that!… You have everything you need right?

Me: …🤦‍♂️

Fuck you Ajax
Fuck you js
Fuck you jQuery
Fuck you {{insert js frameworks}}

I've been learning ajax now and this shit happend

*insert stereotypical shit about being forever alone here*

It is amazing what breaks when you don't insert a break in your case.

LOL. Much better than a random Lorem Ipsum.

*Insert Timmy's Dad "If I had one" meme

If an ai becomes depressed, does it encapsulate itself for better \Closure?

*insert thinking dinosaur*

When I need help with JavaScript, I google 'JS (insert query here)...'

When I need help with Go, I have to google 'Go programming (insert query here)...'

The extra term 'programming' is so search engines recognise I'm looking for answers related to the Go language.

Ironic, but Go is the least 'search engine friendly' language. Sites like O'Reilly and Packtpub return searches with uneven results.

Account Manager Brief Template

"We haven't confirmed any of the desired functionality, but we (the AM and the Client) have decided that it must be built in [INSERT CMS/FRAMEWORK/TECH OF THE WEEK HERE]."

I somehow managed to turn on overtype with the insert key.

Welp, guess it's time to get a new laptop. Any recommendations?

DevRant formatting template:

I'm not [insert negative trait] but [insert rant contradicting the first statement]

My Favorite Senior Dev: Hmm, I don't understand this error.

Neighboring, Competent SQL Developer Coworker: What does it say?

Senior Dev: It says, "Cannot insert the value NULL into column 'person', table 'PEOPLE'; column does not allow nulls..."

*5 minute silence*

Using a mac from time to time:

1) Open browser
2) Open Gmail website
3) Insert email address
4) Press CMD+Q to write @
5) FUCK!!!

Fucking fuck Windows 10 is slow as shit...

*insert hateful Windows comments here*

Oh boy and here I was looking forward to see ads the whole way home.. well then.. devrant it is.

Sales sold to a new enterprise client ecommerce solution tailored for small/local businesses as enterprise solution.
That software is able to handle hundreds of products, but we are trying to insert over 200k+ of them.
After inserting around 10k, the whole system dies and nothing works because all requests time out.

We actually had a small "code on paper" test (more like a recap test) yesterday, but we didn't have to write much rather than just have a basic understanding how classes and instances of those work. It was like 6 small lines of code to insert. I don't mind coding on paper as long as you don't have to write a big program with it as a 1-hour test.

A fellow <insert some data science title here> giving me more acknowledgement than all of the old guys running the show and, erm, "leading"?

Fucker left me behind, good for him.

Does anyone ever have this, that, when you see a post with loads of upvotes/comments you're like 'fuck, I really should've posted that myself (insert weeks or whatever) ago... '

I just received an email from a weird company they wanted to offer me 150 dollars monthly to insert a script in my google chrome extension, when I asked about the script they sent me a function called "malmare"...
...
Nice...

Was exploring google foobar upon how it works and found out this strange
div:rhtext

wonder how they insert this code in html randomly.
xpath and ids are all obfuscated,unreadable

Refusing to escape user input in shell commands because "it's the responsibility of the user to insert safe input".

Me on Google right now:
"How to create Android unit tests"

I really don't want to ask for likes... But my life has been getting shittier and shittier. Mental problems. Relationship problems. Coding problems.

A stress ball could really help.

Wondering why your form isn't submitting any data to the db.
Spending half an hour checking all POST-Variables and functions in your script multiple times to see if they give the correct values (they do).
Finally realizing you wrote 'INSERT INRO' in your SQL statement.
Questioning your intelligence for the rest of the day.

I sometimes wonder how people upvoted at my 2+ months old rant........

How??????

Had a dream last night...

My grandmother gave me a flip phone as a present. My first thought was "really?"

But after flipping it open, I found that it had some gaming buttons (A, B, Start, etc). Also, it had a place to insert Gameboy games.

It was the most 90's/early 2000's phone ever.

Wtf? What kind of user agent header is that? Why don't you go ahead and insert my fucking social security number in there, Android? According to amiunique, this is literally a unique header ON ITS OWN.

I was pressing 'j' in vim and it was typing 'j' onto the screen and i was like what the fuck, why is typing j inserting a j into my file. Realised i was accidentally in insert mode.

# Just vim things.

What the fuck is so hard about vim? Press i for insert mode, esc for visual mode. How is that so hard to remember? There's like 2 commands at most that you need to know

Am I the only one who frequently forgets to hit the insert key again when I'm done with it and then go and accidentally overwrite some other stuff unintentionally?

I would like to know if anyone has created a CSV file which has 10,000,000 objects ?

1) The data is received via an API call.
2) The maximum data received is 1000 objects at once. So it needs to be in some loop to retrieve and insert the data.

On IT English lesson:

Professor: Simple question - how do we call all devices inside computer, like HDD, or CPU.

Some random guy: International Devices

*Insert loudest facepalm here*

How to get clicks on YouTube:

Step 1: wait for a mayor phone manufacturer to release a new phone.
Step 2: make a video with the title 'X reasons why you shouldn't buy <insert new phones name>'
Step 3: ???
Step 4: profit.

endor's first magical adventures with PostgreSQL

"Alright, got the docker image up and running, and I'm connected to the db, both from console and from Datagrip! Cool, let's get started with the tutorial!"
*cue montage of me using Datagrip to create my first schema, then the first table, then insert a bunch of data to try things out*

"Cool, now let's see if I can view my data from the console"
db1-# select * from my_schema.table1
db1-# [nothing]

"*Ahem*, I said:"
db1-# select * from my_schema.table1
db1-# [nothing]

db1-# select * from my_schema.table1
db1-# [cricket noises]

"Wut, why can't I see the data that I inserted? Wtf is going on?"

*30 minutes later*
"Alright, I have no idea what's going on, so let's try inserting the data from console and see if Datagrip can see it"

db1-# insert into my_schema.table1(id, name, field2, field3) values (1, 'Mike', null, 123), (2, 'Jake', 0, 456);
ERROR: syntax error at or near "SELECT"
LINE 2: SELECT
^

"Wait, what?"

db1-# insert into my_schema.table1(id, name, field2, field3) values (1, 'Mike', null, 123), (2, 'Jake', 0, 456);
INSERT 0 2

"Wtf? Haaang on... "

db1-# select * from my_schema.table1;
id | name | field2 | field3
----+------+--------+--------
1 | Mike | | 123
2 | Jake | 0 | 456
1 | Mike | | 123
2 | Jake | 0 | 456
(4 rows)

*eye twitches*

Insert name.

António

The name can only contain letters.

Antonio

Name not found.

I am not good with kids. I know I know. Last week or so, my managers kid thought it would be a good idea to hijack my meeting. I was sharing my screen and on full blown explanation mode, only to realise after my explanation, it was the kid who was looking at my face and not the boss man.
God I panicked. I was like 'Who the hell are you?'
--------*INSERT AWKWARD SILENCE HERE *---------

<insert bear grylls meme>
Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

Lesson learned: take measures before buying parts

!metarant
Why do the notifications say "<insert your name here> +1'd your (Rant||Comment)" when it should say "++'d your (Rant||Comment)". 😜

Somewhere in Kyiv underground: "Insert boot device"

Looking through some code from a new project at my old job.

It seems they are sending off some audio files from interviews into an online transcriptions-service, and putting the result unsanitized into a string-concatenated INSERT-statement into the db.

I look forward to the demo, I’m going to yell “single quote Drop table users semicolon dash dash”

You can code so please fix my <insert os here> - anonymous friend or family

Why are people behaving like communist dramaqueens on every OSS repo?
Why do OSS libraries and frameworks have to be political cunts and insert *the current thing* into every god damn console message of their tooling and on their websites?
Stop it. Get some help.
I want to code, not be a aborted political SJW fetus. Let me fucking code in peace.

- Genie!
- Yes lord?
- Please make Mendix modeler Linux compatible so I can remove fcking Windows os
- "insert shocked Pikachu meme here"

Supervisor: Go interview the client for requirements
Client:i want insert,update blablabla and searching,
Me: Delete?
Client:Nope we want store the data blablabla forever..
*after few weeks*
Supervisor:Can i see the progress?
Me: sure
Supervisor: where is the delete function? I want the delete button !!
Me: :/ *why the hell i hav to meet the client if i need to fllow my supervisor requirements*

#PracticalStudent #Internship #Confusing

I wonder what is my family name.

(Insert confused face emoji here)

- Sometimes seeing all of you people have jobs as coders makes me depressed 😅.
- I couldn't even write a program (a few weeks ago) to insert an element into an array and shift the proceeding elements up one location 😩😢😓.
- Yes, that's how beginner I am 😳.
- Please, Don't kick me out of the community 😨.

I don't wanna ask (insert search engine of your choice) but devRant today:

How would you define a
- nerd
- geek
etc
Is it an insult or status to be proud of?

I have a Yahoo app on my phone for some legacy purposes. I just allowed the storage access permissions when it was asking for it during the installation or something, cause like, who doesn't? I checked my Yahoo Mail on the browser tonight and saw copies of my mobile photos in it! It's through the Attach Icon > Insert animated GIF. WTF? So that's how you can easily get hacked from apps?

[insert joke about the irony of it all here]
Seen on the Phonegap website.

I had an error caused by a random "i" in my code i had inserted somewhere in my IDE... to go into insert mode

What is the thought process which goes behind wearing a mask on a video call meeting?
[a] virtue signalling
[b] Idiocy
[c] <insert your answer>

If you ever feel useless, you could be one of those guys on stackoverflow who answers a question with "use {insert library}"

Teehee exdee look at me I'm currently facing [insert typical quirk with language] I must be achieving zen in [insert language] ohemgee so frustrating rawr >.< xD I can make a heavy sigh and slap a sticker on my laptop with a funny teehee ell oh ell programmers only funny funny joke about <table> flipping EXxxxDEEEeeeeee!!1

Insert Spotify playlist below.

We're so defensive about listening to music while [insert concentration-intensive task here]. Instrumentals, piano, EDM, what have you. Deep down, we know it's distracting us. It's just so hard for us to admit that. 😂😂😂

devRantron AutoStart on boot, is pure evil......

me (almost) everyday:
Today i want to complete <insert a task here>
9 AM:
*me typing password in sddm (KDE Login)*
*ENTER* the first thing i see is devRantron's window already open and active.

*Ok, let me check recent rants for 2 minutes*

*me watching the clock in the corner* -- it's 10AM oh shit!

We want one system for all our branches with booking and (inserts 73 huge features crucial to business operations)

- okay, *sends quotation*

You know, we just want a custom made website with (insert 23 major features)

- okay, *sends quotation*

You know, we want a wordpress site, we can expand late

- ...

Spent 3 hours on a simple insert sql query for date. thank you pdo data binding...

[insert rant about censorship]

Wait, What!

Fresh Grad job fair.

Looking for computer programmers with 3 years experience.

*seriously company how can you expect to get an applicant with 3 years experience in this fair 'insert confuse gif here'

<insert spongebob meme>

When yesterday every thing did build and today nothing builds.

Started getting into drawing to get it all out, thought some of you might find this humorous, given our strange nature.

Same rules apply as other social media. If this upsets you, insert a tampon and jog on.

I thought I'd seen the worst possible code.
Until I saw this stored procedure. It was forming a string of JSON by concatenation of double quotes and queries in between.
No wonder it took upwards of 200 seconds to insert just one record.

Fun experience backing up my laptop drice to external hdd :

1 folder : 100 sub folders with 12000 files, size 6gb
>> Ctrl A-> ctrl C -> ctrl v
>> Copying time 55 mins , files remaining 12000
CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!!

>> add to archive (5 mins) -> ctrl c, ctrl v
>> copying time 6 mins , files remaining 1

(*Insert hackerman meme here*)

+1 if you are interested in Augmented Reality technologies, have some presentations and assignments made and you are writing your Master thesis for Augmented Reality only to find yourself working for a company that wants from you to update somehow a project with 5 years old code written from some secret antisocial society that hates readability and you as a developer and a human being and wants from you to somehow understand why they call C# method only to return a string that contains all the html tags but no data and then insert the data in JavaScript splitting the same string.

Come on, give me a break! I m still trying, though I still haven't found where exactly the program learns the data to insert or it just knows (no questions asked)...

I have this bad habit of starting projects that are way out of my league after getting ridiculously over-ambitious ideas.

”Yeah, let me just do this <insert ambitious project in an area of programming I know next to nothing about> with <insert languge I’ve never written a line with before>. It’ll be fine...”

RESTful API Question

Let's say when a user do an action, I need to insert a record into a table and then update a record in different table.

Should I write two API routes (PUT, POST) or one route (POST) ?

Funniest still was when I changed google.com to go to yahoo.com and visa versa. Also made the Xerox panel display "Insert Coins to continue"... Fun times, funny April fool's prank.

<rant>
How the hell do these people have a senior position?
<rant-cause>
Sdev:"The are no vulnerabilities in my code because i have Avast running at the same time"
</rant-cause>
SecOps: "<insert potoo bird reaction>"
</rant>

I'm just attending an online conference of a big, global company. They are redesigning their internal websites and going through all the improvements. Just then a question pops up in chat:

"Will we be able to insert moving gif files into the new sites?"

Sheeeeeesh, 1990 feelings...

A message from my colleague (product name removed):

"I think I hate absolutely everything on this network. I think <insert product name> wouldn't be so bad if the pointy headed wankers hadn't got involved."

"It's the fuckery with https and screwing with certs that make it utterly shite without that, it would merely be irritating."

The 'farewell great manager Jim' party on Monday.

The [insert name of a department] Christmas party on Wednesday, which you shouldn't miss because they want the company to be more integrated.

The [insert name of your department] Christmas party on Friday, which is separate from the other party because they want the company to be more inte... wait.

The hackathon on Saturday and Sunday, because coding all night for free to create buzz around the company's name is always fun.

The team meeting where the product manager presents all the shinny new things they're thinking about presenting to the client while our deadline is still a couple of weeks away. "And the engineering team knows exactly what to do, right?" Yeah, sure, if you say so.

Even seniors make mistakes. In case you were ever doubting yourself - just remember that.

I just had a very senior level programmer on my staff add a function to a production system that issues an SQL UPDATE query without a WHERE clause. Fortunately, only the 1st entry succeeded and the rest failed due to "duplicate record" errors. Clearly he had intended to do a SELECT to check if an entry was present. If it was present, do an UPDATE, otherwise do an INSERT (think UPSERT - but done manually). However instead in the insert part they were both UPDATE's. The first update was normal looking but the second UPDATE was just this weird malformed-looking thing where he tried to do an UPDATE but to every field including the key fields. Clearly he was thinking about an insert but actually writing it as an update. Every now and then I need to remind myself that these things happen. The guy's not dumb - just made a mistake.

I'm just happy it "failed unsuccessfully".

* Customer reports bug.
* I fix the bug.
* This highlights another issue that I haven't got enough resources to fix.
* I revert the fix.
* <insert hacky workaround here>

We have code that invokes undefined behaviour (freeing memory twice), but somehow people have managed to build around it and now it depends upon it to work.

FML.

Me : *insert random name here* .js is a sign you are lazy devs.
My Friend : Meh, this is just side project. Only to try it out.
Me : You still can do that fast in plain js tho.

Also Me Sometimes later:

MF : whacha tryna' do?
Me : gonna deploy this app real quick.
MF : what js framework do you use ?
Me : Yes.

God something's wrong with me. Fucking hell.

Great work [Insert company name]!

How do you guy (think of) prototype UI?

I have used the pen and paper approach but when you add the interactions such as clicks and animation on the paper,it become messy.

I feel that coding up a full blown front end for prototyping is overkill. Because when you want to prototype the list , you also need to insert the dummy data in order for you see probably clicks and drag animation.

!rant
Bless websites that allow you to insert emoji's by using the : in the input box.

I hate it when I have to search for the thinking emoji and not being able to use :thinking:

The sentence we all dread:
"My stereo (insert any other piece of home tech...) is acting up, call ______ he works with computer's he'll know what to do"

ME: "Take it to the service shop, I'm a programmer not an electrical engineer"

After that you can't help but think they're thinking you just suck at your job... "pff he know's nothing"

Him: i get this error when i insert into table, ForeignKey_contraint failed, what can i do?

Me: you have to obey the constraint, make sure it exists in the other table first

Him: ok i did that but i still get ForeignKey constraint error

Me: yeah that table has a couple foreign keys

Him: could you give me a very specific example how to insert into this table

Me: ........ here is a command to remove constraints on the table

Him: thanks, that fixed it!

I am helping a programmer who works with Costco integrate to software my company sells. I don't have source code, just an understanding of the database and what the software does. If he is getting paid more than me, then I should get a job there and ask for double, I could easily work 10 times faster than this buffoon.

!dev
I've seen a growing trend in series.
If an author wants to insert a romantic sub-plot into a very much mature series,
He won't write it in a believable way, fitting the tone of series.
Instead he will insert cheap teen-drama and make the audience cringe to death.
What is it with this shit?

It's just that your team doesn't have experience in "insert platform name here" so we want to use a third party to move "insert product name here" into it.

My first thought: why don't you just train the team with the product knowledge in the new platform rather than the other way around? Does anyone else see this happen and want to eat glass every time it does?

I was working on a simple notebook project in java (console app)
But I think I need a little help :
When user wants to edit a note , he should write the note all over again!
How can insert the current note in console(like user input) so that the user can iterate and modify the text ?

Thanks

I am so done with these “Top *insert a number*” websites that use slides to show items and every time you go to the next slide it loads another page. Why can’t they just use one of the thousands of javascript frameworks and load the page once?!?!

I don't know what's wrong with using Bootstrap

*insert office dude meme*

And at this point I'm afraid to ask

Suddenly i realize, the present is a constant context-switch
-- insert mond blown gif here --

Accidentally saying out loud "oh for fucks sake" when you overhear someone, talking on the phone, say "oh you're going to ask {Insert your name here} to do that" and you're already overloaded.

Issue: "Cannot find invoices from 4-04-2018"

<insert 404 joke here>

TIFU by running DELETE-INSERT on a live server and losing thousands of rows from a separate table. 🤤

TIL If you delete data from indexed table, it will affect any linked tables. I think. Fml. 🤕

At least it was a learning experience for all of us. Hopefully if I keep repeating it enough it will become true...

>stick holding important data goes bad ("Insert DVD" IT'S A FUCKING FLASH DRIVE)
>no backups as it's a flash drive so my PC never did an auto-backup despite being configured to do so
>might be recoverable
>"short pins 2 and 3 while running tool to reconfigure NAND and controller then recover data from quick format with TestDisk"
*looks at drive*

Well.
Fuck.

it's not even sharp enough to slit my wrists with

I gotta let this out. I apologize..

Why the FUUUCK does MySQL not let me log into my FUCNING ROOT USER AND THE OTHER USER I MADE...
I thought i fixed it a few days ago, but apparently not. Now im considering trashing this shitproject for a while.
*insert awesome words that illustrate extreme rage and a broken keyboard*

So, here we are using postgres in production with the fancy feature of UPSERT. We’ve got loads of request popping in, both new and updates - so the UPSERT getting triggered alot. Today we faced a problem with integer within our app stating that the number is too high. We were like «WTF? Already?!»! After looking in to the features of UPSERT, we came to realize that any sequence will be incremented regardless of an insert being handled. This results then in an ID field being defined with ids such as:
1
2
5
19
222
73377
282828282
Etc. You get the point..
This design is so WTF and I have absolutely no idea why anyone would like their IDs to be generated and incremended even though there is no insert. I hope it is due to my naivity that I cannot comprhend it. Oh well. UPSERT, you’re forever gone 👍🔥

I am a human being... I have feelings... I have a family who love me... I have friends who hang out with me...

I am treated worse than Katie Price (for American readers insert some talented hoe with a penchant for plastic surgery).

My name is Andy and I am a Project Manager *sobs*

This is Project Managers Anonymous ... Isn't it?????? 😕

Both my actual and previous boss. Egocentric, narcisitic, unfit for their roles, detached from reality, intransigents, etc.

Can't really understand how guys like these become CTO or CTO wannabes when others are more qualified... Whatever... They are smart on taking care of "their" life. <insert shrug here>

Not really a devs rant.

I ordered a HDD from samsung with more storage online. Today I wanted to replace it. When i took it out i was shortly confused, which one i had to insert, so i though the one with Samsung label had to be it.

Well, it wasn't

1) What is the size of your team?
2) What is the size of your company?
3a) Do you have one on ones with your manager, tech lead and/or scrum master (insert whatever position you have one on ones with if you have them)
3b) How often do you meet?

I don't get publicity hungry personalities on Medium. Their usual headlines :

"Why we left `${ insert framework}`. There's nothing wrong with it though."

Either have the balls to say you didn't do your homework when you started, or hold your peace.

Don't screw the hardworking folks whose code you depended on before bailing out.

Parsing logs to create conditional insert statements cause expert morons fucked up production database cluster.

Database is partially corrupted and cannot be used and they don’t know how to fix it.

The problem with those USB sticks that don't have the cover over them is that you can insert them upside down.

That turns out to be harder to fault find than when it just doesn't go in...

"One small change, just put the locations in GPS order."

Oh god da faq is gps order.

He means, insert a solution to the traveling salesman problem. He thinks, it's as easy as alphabetical ordering.

Fml

"You're overengineering this"

&

"how many times have I told you, <insert recurring code anomaly>"

5th time I've lost my place on the feed. Also for the love of god why have they not made a face palm emoji? I need that in my life

Numbers (from mac) sucks big fucking time!

Its like assuming your retarded, I cant save a file .whatever without it trying to insert the fucking numbers extension...

While buying excel what do you recommend?

I really love LaTeX. It’s very much what makes the written word enjoyable, which helps when writing a thesis. Then I insert an image.

No QA Steve I will not insert a massive feature into the project no matter how high of an importance you deem it or how awesome you think it is.

So... we are changing our cache system to a fastest one.

I suggested an update method (with code samples included) as we currently only manage insert and remove... making impossible any modification of a list in cache without getting the entire list, modifying whatever we want and insert again everything.

Answer: 'It could work, but we want to keep the previous system behavior'

Why. SMH

User: your python script is giving me error, <insert stack trace indicating a missing directory on the system path>

Me: Did you add the directory to the path

User: yes

Walks over to desk checks path, finds a space after the semicolon separator before the directory.

Removes space, problem fixed

Why Windows, why can't you just strip the white space.

Returns to desk, hides underneath and waits out the end of the day 😿

They think I am responsible for every website and app out there. (Ex. Can you make Facebook do ~insert ridiculous request~?)

Umm... NO!

Git bash on windows vm on a MacBook Pro,"ctrl-insert" to copy text,
Realised Mac doesn't have an insert key😂, shifted to cmder.