So, someone submitted a 'bug' to Mozilla.

As some of you may know, in the next year, the new mass surveillance law in the Netherlands is going into effect.

Another fun fact is that the dutch security agencies/government have their own CA (Certificate Authority) for SSL/TLS certificates.

The new law says that the AIVD (dutch NSA/GCHQ equivilant) is allowed to hack into systems through obtained certificates and also that they're allowed to INTERCEPT TRAFFIC THROUGH OBTAINED PRIVATE SSL/TLS KEYS.

So someone actually had the fucking balls to submit a fucking issue to Mozilla saying that the Dutch State certs shouldn't be accepted anymore when the new mass surveillance law gets into place.

This person deservers a fucking medal if you ask me.

So... Stress balls aren't intended to be thrown at your colleagues. Interesting.

Windows, you fucking idiot! You scheduled that damn update and now you have the balls to ask me what happened?!

So I got an email yesterday. The balls on this fucking guy.

Guy: I don't understand how people could actually learn or work as programmers.. It's so boring.

Me: have you ever programmed before?

Guy: yes

Me: what language?

Guy: matlab

I punched him in the face and kicked him in the balls. Actually just I thought about it. Maybe 3 hours later.

- Free app:
"5 stars - OMG this app is awesome!!!"
- Add new feature with In-app purchase:
"1 star - App sucks balls. Why we must pay? Make free and I rate 5 stars"
I call them The Rating Terrorists.

Fuck off with your shit ass semicolon jokes. You searched for semicolon for 4days? Fucking retard with a sack of balls instead of eyes can understand that he's missing a semicolon in matter of seconds. It's going to be 2018 soon. Get a fucking IDE that says that you are missing a fucking semicolon. The error literally fucking says "; expected at the end of expression". Ugh...? I wonder what that means... Maybe something is wrong with my operating system or my PC. Fuck off with that shit. Try debugging some systems that have 2files with 15k lines in each of them with 200fields and all of them strings both with empty default constructors. Semicolons... My ass..

@dfox consider sending these stress balls for rants over 250

It's 2021.

Bluetooth still sucks balls.

That's all.

I'm a fucking finance girl. FINANCE. GIRL. Why the fuck am I spending all morning importing databases??
I'll tell you why.. "you are married to a dev. You must have picked something up." Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. (no it's not working for the fuck of it, and whoever wrote this program deserves to be hanged by his balls from a tree)

*me seeing rant with stress ball in the pic*
Me to gf:"look babe!!! Streeeeesssssballllllll :D I want one"
*gf points at shirt*:"these are your stress balls ;)"

PHP sucks balls,
It takes forever to do anything, it is so messy it feels like walking through a massive pile of shit!

Ok good I have your attention and that ++ 😇

But no this is not that kind of rant, quite the opposite.

In 70 lines of php shit as some people would call it, I am currently scrapping GitHub pages with ebook collections and with some minor regex pulling PDFs out and saving them to file.

The stress balls are taking over the office

This fucker has some balls (I'm being completely ignorant), the day his website goes live guess who is going to flood it with Dados attacks.

Everyone has their stress balls, cubes, pillows, spinners etc.
Only what I have is my stress table
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

The invasion has begun! Stress shall be vanquished from the land!

tl;dr: spent 12 hours creating an api for a job interview challenge. Got rejected after 4 weeks with no real feedback, and all I can do is rant!

So I was in the interview process with a company that was a great fit for my background.

Got through a couple of phone screens, and was given a coding challenge consisting of writing a web API with a couple of endpoints and a filter function.

I'm like, ok no problem, I happen to have created apis for some mobile apps in the past, and I pick Django rest framework to get the job done.

Implemented it on a Sunday, wrote a medium size Readme.md and some unit tests and submit. Took almost four weeks and a partial resubmission to get a rejection with no specific feedback.

Now I'm shamelessly butthurt and I have nothing else to do but rant! Worse part is I looked back at the code and in my opinion is solid AF, so I put it on my public GitHub cause fuck it!

My first experience with Swift ended in me infecting myself with a virus (kinda). I wanted to create a macOS app that would listen for a global key event, catch it and then type a word.

During development I set it up to listen for ANY key event and to type "BALLS". So what happened? I compiled the code, everything looked good, I started the app and pressed a key which emitted a key event. The event was caught by my app and it typed "BALLS", just as expected. However, the typing of the word caused a NEW key event to be emitted, which the app also caught. The infinite loop was a fact. FUCK!

I tried closing down XCode but all I could see was "BALLS BALLS BALLS" everywhere. I tried everything I knew but it just kept typing "BALLS". I had to hold down my power button to make it stop.

I finally finished the app (which I named "The Balls App", I kept the word "BALLS"). I solved this issue by only listening for KeyUp and when emitting the "BALLS" word I just used KeyDown.

You is not gonna beliebers what just happened lol

So a couple weeks ago I earned a stress ball (300+ ++'s) I sent an email about it but never got a reply, so I decided to just forget about it. But then I just ranted (lastnight) about how its so hard to get a stressball. So I basically just said "fuck it i'll buy one". Then some dude comes along and is like "omg not until he shows us the bought one" so I'm like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED and buy one...

Then I get an email confirmation from devrant store confirming my order for the bought stressball. And I notive that my spam folder has unread messages in it. i look inside the spam folder and what do I see?...

I see dfox replying to my free stressball request weeks ago lol. So yay, now I gets the 3 balls (or two - depending) lol omg, so many balls.

I attended a webcall with the cat on my shoulder, some manager complained it was not professional.
Now, I do not know who that was so I'll have to just shoot in the crowd and take innocent victims, but from now I'll attend every single call with as many cats on screen as possible. Possible outcomes, and both are fine by me, either they cut down the amount of unnecessary calls -as to limit the amount of catness on their screen- or learn to grow the fuck up because unlike some retard I get paid for working, not for busting the balls to the people that actually work.

OPPO sure has the BALLS to fucking install ads on MY FUCKING PHONE, first they force installed “Hot Apps” and “Hot Games” and I can’t remove it. I was like “Yeah sure whatever”. Then they installed sticker ads on THE BUILT IN KEYBOARD. “Ok”. This fucking shit actually installed ads on my fucking notification panel, and pop up a warning every once in two days asking me to”🔥 Update your software to latest version 💢” WITH THAT KIND OF TEXT AND EMOTICONS

FUCK YOU OPPO

Hahaha, the DPC (Data Protection Commission) has asked Facebook in a letter to stop transferring Europeans' data to the US.

Since the Privacy Shield agreement is off the table, it's illegal regardless to send any kind of PII data from the EU to the US.

How about we stop nicely asking and start giving fines in the form of millions every time PII data is transferred from the EU to the US by Facebook?

If the EU could grow some balls, that'd be fucking great.

Programming on the privacy website together with 404response, this is awesome!

It's great to have someone who's good at frontend while you suck balls at it so that I can fully focus on the backend :D. (ewpratten if you still want to you can join 404response, he can explain you everything he's doing and how you can help)

Interviewers : interviewees
Employers : employees​
Testers : balls 😛

Riskiest Dev choice...

Leaving a previous job, moving 1000KM (620 Miles) away with no job prospects and going absolutely broke.

This was all in the name of “I need a better job”, so what better way to force yourself to get one.

I’m currently in my second job since then and now make just over double what I was earning before.

Sometimes it takes a high risk to get out ahead.

got a mail 10 minutes after I finished a 10h shift that my contract won't be refreshed after 4 years ripping my ass off for this fucked up organization. apparently not because of lack of competence but of personal reasons. that's what you get for not being a sheep and having an opinion. my (ex)boss didn't even have the balls to say it to my face.
fuck them! I don't need people like that around me - neither in my spare time nor at work - and I wish them all the worst.
happy holidays motherfuckers!

A few years ago, I used alert('Well that sux balls'); to debug a CMS custom module. Finished the project and went with the sales manager to demo the app to the clients board of directors. Trust a sales manager to find a bug during a live demo that QA didn't find...
All my temporary error messages are now boring and functional.

I am a back-end developer, never suggested otherwise. My company is a firm of 50 people and owner hired a web designer to code our website. And it got hacked. Badly. So boss tells me to check if I can fix it. I take a look at the PHP and boy, written in PHP3, copy paste code from all over the place, hell the admin panel is a clone from a 2012 tutorial, nothing that remotely stares at the DB is checked for SQL, and now he wants me to design a new website, rewrite everything in PHP7 and had the balls to say "I know it's not your job, but it's a job, so do it"

I heard you guys like stress balls

1.
Interviewer
how many soccer balls can fit in your house
Me i dont play soccer

---------
2.
Interviewer
.....
Me
........
Interviewer
...(looks at me)
Me
.......
Interviewer
(staring me)
Me
Hi!
Interviewer
Oh yeah. So....

Story from my friend who I drank a beer with yesterday:

His manager has balls bigger than elefants.. Hiring a group of anarcho kinda pentest / hacker fucks from a freelance portal from Serbia... Who found quite some shit in their internal systems.

You should think twice about paying them late and especially paying them only half the amount. Even though "they wouldn't sue them anyway".

Sure, they won't.

But take a smart guess what they did.

Fuckin idiot manager.

Cursing under your breath at some crufty, amateurish, slow-as-balls code... Checking the repo history to see what sad, soulless sack committed this abomination.. And its me.

How on Earth has PHP became successful? That language is as terrible as Satan's balls

If you are tall and experience back problems like me, give one of those balls that you sit on a try. It costs 15 euros and it solved everything for me. If it doesnt... well... throw it of your balcony and let me know how high it bounced

I had a few interesting ones for my current job. Most of you should of hear it by now, but still a decent brainteasers.

You have 9 pool balls, 1 of which is slightly heavier than the other. You have a balance scale, find the heavier ball. You can only use the scale twice.

Devs, let's not spoil this by actually posting the answer.

The balls some managers must have to think that this is going to be an acceptable price.

I also find it hilarious that a $2 adblocker can fuck this in the ass.

My psychiatrist has recently taken me off paroxotine which i was taking for anxiety. As a result, I'm wide awake unable to sleep cos my head is running at a million miles an hour. You know what I keep thinking?

1.) Sweet hairy balls of Mary Theresa I'm getting married in 3 months.

2.) Installing Arch sounds like fun. I wonder if I can do Unity3D and C# dev on it.

3.) @Gitpush, @Alice, @Linuxxx, @Bluenutterfly, @ThatDude, @AlexDeLarge Love your rants, keep up the good work!

Holy shit balls it works (so far)

-
So I’ve been working on a project... well feature for the past year (yes 12 whole fucking months - anti agile I know)
And today I got to merge that bitch of a pull request into the current working branch and deploy it to UAT - no conflicts 😵I think I need to put the lottery on tonight!
And some how, by some stupid lucky roll of the dice it just works.

I have never felt so afraid and delighted in my life!

I hate this fucking front-end stuff so hard..

How DA FUCK is it possible that I set up the whole backend including DB connection, base controllers, models, base validation and stuff in an hour but don't get this fucking fucking retarded JS framework piece of shit to display a test string after ONE FUCKING HOUR!!!

Why do we need this shit anyway? Why does everything have to be shiny with some fucking animations???

It's about the information, isn't it? Then WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK PRETTY???

I gonna travel back in fucking time to the early 80's!

Stupid front-end shit..

100% focused, balls-deep in the zone, not sure I could have recalled my own name if you'd asked me...
Suddenly out of nowhere, someone's asking me about a job I worked on over a week ago. I'm mostly answering in just a few syllables, struggling to surface from 20 layers of Call Stack.
This goes on for a full 5 minutes before they say, "sorry were you busy?"
No, I was just about to beat Solitaire.
Of course I was fucking busy jesus fucking christ, did you not see all that code and shit on my fucking screen when you suddenly and urgently had to disturb me?

I love group projects.
There is no greater feeling than, after you set up the repository with the first code files, your team mate changes the indentation and commenting style in every file to his own style without even discussing the general coding style rules in the group first.

Fucking awesome start.

Go eat a sack of unwashed hobo balls you filthy cunt.

I'm f**king annoyed today

Today can f**k off and suck my balls

Rant over 😡

Human source code is stored in balls :O

Finally got it!!

"That's a frontend problem."

Really? And you call yourself the engineering lead? Oh right, "frontend is not engineering", was that it? Ok, thanks a lot for the help, you can continue licking your balls now. I don't know why I still bother trying to ask you for advice.

So my classmate just decided to write "printf("Suck my balls I dont remember how to do this);" in a programming exam and forgot to delete it before handing it in.

Well... after saying "sorry" like a hundred times the teacher accepted his apology.

When you love your job and team but you watch all your friends get stress balls and stickers

A teacher of mine once asked me if i could take a look at his external HDD because all the data was suddenly gone. Important holiday pictures and stuff...

Turned out he accidentally created a Windows 7 "library" based on the root directory of the drive. Next logical step to get rid of it: delete the whole content because "i don't need the data twice".

Explained the concept of directory links and restored the files...

His wife later asked him about the reason for the data loss. He didn't have the balls to tell her that he deleted them himself even though he knew it at that point =D

So I'm looking to buy a drone for my internship company to find people during floods. And damn these companies suck balls.
Closed source.
You want to use API for onboard image processing?
Buy a €3500 drone
Add €1100 processor stuff
Add €850 camera
ugh.

Just tech screened a kid for a senior Network automation role, in a specific niche.

He's never automated anything before. Didn't know networking basics, didn't know about the niche...

This guy hasn't heard of unit testing or UDP... good luck out there kid. You've got balls anyway.

When walking, Women swing their arms at level height as your balls, watch out.

I've learnt the hard way (no pun)

I fucking hate Angular. I don't know man I've been using NoScript since my balls dropped and I feel like JavaScript is fucking useless (I like Typescript syntactically though).

What drives me nuts is all the frameworks: Think of a word, add .js, search it up... it's theeeeere.

I know I'm not the only one who fucking hate JS, and I don't think there are many people who genuinely love it. Sorry I just wanted to rant and it's 5 a.m.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Fucking save your goddamn work. Thanks.

- Your friendly neighborhood dumbass who just lost 14 hours of his life because his computer crashed.

P.S. Normally not a problem when working on code because I'm forced to save and commit with Git. Unfortunately I was balls deep in Adobe motherfucking illustrator working on wireframes, and didn't have doc recovery turned on.

I think every programmer goes through this time every day....

#Don't wait for inspiration, become it. #balls

Bing trying to find answers for your programming problems is more useless than balls on a dildo

!Rant: The collection is complete! Stress balls and stickers all the way here in Trinidad and Tobago. Thanks @dfox and co.

Man im so burnt out i cant function properly...ive been balls deep in 5 assignments all due next week for what feels like an eternity

Stress killed my immune system...cant sleep...sick af

Kill me pls

Everybody has their stress balls, and here i am with my stress cube :)

A typo today has rendered me the joke of the office... 😂

Almond's PR: "Added missing unit testes to classes Foo and Bar"

----

Bob: "LGTM. Bet that took some balls."
Craig: "LGTM. Missing unit testes drive me nuts."
Ian: "LGTM. Write your testes with your code guys, a bit bollocks to have to add them afterwards."

If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask if you want it to be your default browser... then you should be able to ask out that girl.

You need to answer your manager, but don't have a clue, try these randomly:

I'll circle back to you
I will run the numbers on it
Let's go back to the drawing board
Let's touch base in a bit. Ping me
I don't have the bandwidth right now
It's on my radar
Let's put this on the back-burner
I have too many balls in the air right now
I have a lot on my plate
I'll get back by close of play tomorrow
I'll have to deep dive/drill down into this and get back
I have a hard stop at X hours
Let's park that for now
It's in the pipeline

All the fuckin servers are green again!!!

Coworker: I've got an error, can't figure it out...
Me: Send error
Coworker: NullPointerException
Me: fml

Sr. my balls.

THis one goes out to the fucktards that decide to fucking change things on api systems to meet new business requirements and fail to fucking scope out the change requirements of dependent systems that YOU are FUCKING UPDATING via THIS FUCKINg API!
You fucking morons!

At least have the fucking decency or balls to walk 10 fucking metres from your stupid ass chair or send a fucking email about the changes rather then me finding out you fucktards change things through an end customer who want to know where there order is!!! FUCK!

@Apple iPadOS an iOS teams: you puZies.

You release one buggy iOS / iPadOS after another, each piling on features and bugs, without fixing crowd documented long standing defects.

But what really pisses me off is when you don't have the balls to own up to your mistakes. This is at least the 3rd time you have re-released an iOS / iPadOS update under the same version number. This time it is 14.5.1

I have iPadOS 14.5.1 installed and the iPad is now telling me I need to update to 14.5.1. Just own up to it, you released buggy shit and you need to release another bug fix days after... call it 14.5.2. Call it like it is and we respect you. Try to hide it and you lose our respect, you pussies.

If Microsoft did one thing right, they defined the release sequencing:
X.Y.Z

Changing X means rewrite the manual it is so new and improved (🖕🏻 you Adobe and FileMaker)

Changing Y means it is an update with more features than bug fixes but not a generational change that constitutes a rewrite of anything (🖕🏻 you macOS team for bastardizing with 10.X.Y)

Changing Z means you fixed your stuff, we respect you for owning up to your mistakes.

Man-up Apple, grow some balls and stop confusing people with trying to cover up your screw ups. It's all about the Z.

Outsourcing front-end for web is like playing russian roulette, but with 6 bullets in 6 chambers.
You shoot yourself in the balls (or ovaries)... HARD.

I don't know how you can develop in a complete nightmare of a SCSS file - 3500 lines of insanity.
This dev must have changed his mousewheel at least 50 times!
SERIOUSLY, why the fuck use SCSS when you piss everything into one single fucking file???
What drives me completely nuts is the fact that he even used an @import to include his custom.scss file... how many more IQ poins are needed to realize that you could SPLIT your spaghetti into smaller, sane files?

I need a whiskey...

The amount of elitism you see inside of the dev community is the reason why I consider changing careers.

No, It don't hurt my feelings. I just don't want to surround myself from sexually frustrated loosers that think that getting cool points on the internet over hating and shitting over other's likes and dislikes means something.

It sucks balls and I smell the areas to be of dried cum and Cheetos.

Fuck man, being born ugly, anti-charismatic and weird must suck big balls

Volunteered at a hospital and made some kind of intranet for other volunteers because they wanted to use a facebook group for internal communication which I found stupid.

Made a reactjs/slimphp app and learned a variety of things while coding, unfortunately it had to support internet explorer which sucks balls.

Quit after a year because of school and a paid job, someone else is maintaining it now :)

Manager calling me at 9PM on a Saturday.

Fucking no-brained, zero balls cunt.

I didn't pick, of course. I dont take calls on the weekend.

I text a colleague to warn him, turns out he's already recieved a call from the cunt.

Does weekend not mean anything to you managerial mother fuckers?

Well, devRant has turned me from a bigot arse into quite the humble and decent person, and on top of that, introduced me to some new series (well more so the users than the platform, but you know what I mean).

Binge watched Silicon Valley (season one, I just started) and learnt about dick to floor ratio.

Prior to that binge watched Mr Robot. Cannot remember who suggested that, so I cannot attribute the appropriate gratitude to the appropriate person here.

Add to that that I no longer claim one language to be holy amongst others. Yeah. I was that dick before, we all have a bad side. I'm just admitting it.

I sat down and started utilising other languages, and even found quite a few that did what I wanted more efficiently. Plus I have gotten to meet some sharp people and broaden my own mind.

Fuck I hate my job, but I see a fucking brilliant future for myself thanks to coding and the open mind that I have attained. I attribute this to devRant (perhaps it was lying dormant, but you guys awoke it.).

Enough chitty chat, I'm off to sleep and then code my balls off.

Me: eh probably shouldn’t push to prod on Friday, maybe not even before the first...

Co worker: no balls

Me:

For the past two years, I worked my balls off to deliver a project that eventually went live months ago.

But boss announced that no bonus is going to be paid because project got delayed.

Its not even my fault that project got delayed because customer cannot confirm requirements and keep changing.

All of my assigned tasks were also met on time, if not earlier.

800 line file.

Could be 300 lines but despite having version control, the devs didn't have the balls to remove any of the code. Just commented it out or appended _old to the function names.

"It's easier to undo than version control"

Sure, but how much time are you spending wading through the waist-high swamp of shitty, useless code?

By still having the balls to continue making mistakes and learn from them

Following on with my “hybrid/cross-platform sucks donkey balls” thread

@dfox @trogus
I got me some balls.

Have you seen the new Amazon tracking system?
It shows where the package is if it is 10 stop away. (I think 10 stops)

Now I don't have to stay at the door and freeze my balls.

Now I can see from my screen. :D

Every time I have to use MS Word I feel like punching the computer right in the balls.

I gotta share my favorite ever SO question that I flagged... here's a screenshot. Props to the person for having the balls to post it.

Ok... So iPhone X cames with 3gb ram and 2.7 mAh battery....
Fuck the new Xiami that costs 1/4 comes with 4gb ram and a 4mAh battery...

Anyone else hate it when your client knows jack shit and asks you for something that they think is easy but for you is a weeks worth of shit? Yeah it sucks balls

Linux:
The operating sistem that wants you to be a pro right from start.
But stuck because grub doesn't install.
Following tutorials on the cellphone but still stuck. At boot I'll get stuck in initramfs...
I really want mint... But I'm not gonna reinstall windows just to get other distro.
Why da FUCK?
Even formated C to ext4 to help

My girlfriend after 20 minuets lol

Our entire test environment just fucking died today, redeploys don't work, connections time out, databases suck balls

I had no other choice but to start drinking alcohol at 2 pm

How the actual fuck are we expected to know this many languages / frameworks / libraries for a web dev interview? This shit is RIDICULOUS. No one can honestly say they're half proficient at any of this stuff if they have to know ALL of it. Is this the only way to get a job these days? This sucks balls! 

Stress balls are awesome.
Never thought they are this effective.

Like just throwing it and kicking it around in my apartment makes me feel a bit better.

So I spent the last two days wondering WTF I did wrong, because my Laptop (Debian STABLE mind you...) would only boot in read-only mode and therefore only TTY (which btw sucks donkey-balls on a 4k screen (see image for visualization)) but on the earlier Kernel 4.9.0-7, everything was dandy.

So apparently laptop-mode-tools managed to fuck shit up in a way yet unknown, but as soon as I yeeted that bitch off my harddrive, everything was working flawlessly again...

Went to the mall with mom the other day,

Mum: so what do you want?

Me: (pointing to stress ball) that ball

Mum: stop embarrassing us, are you a kid?

Me: they are stress balls

Mum: take a pill or exercise if you stressed

My mind: I told you not to go the mall with your, fucking kid....

devrant a ni**a really need them stress balls

Konfuzius says:

When a mosquito land on your balls you will learn to solve problems without violence.

WATCH WHAT YOU CLONE!!!
I spent 2 days of stack overflow, assistance, mental counselling, 5 stages of depression ... just to realize I had cloned half the project because of a stupid, useless, fucked up branch that had the balls to call itself MASTER!!!!! arrggg!!!!!

So my MacBook pro (retina 2013) is almost 5 years old. I like os x so was shopping for a new one, 3 grand for very marginal performance boost and a touchable bar.... Hmm. I guess my current can survive until apple makes a laptop with some balls.

While merging colleagues code...
Because Android studio log cat sucks donkey balls 😂

For the past 45 days I've been the sole developer of a standalone Java application and doing some ops only, now I'm getting back to the spaghetti php bullshit they call code and for the past 5 minutes I could fell the depression striking back...

MOTHERFUCKING PROGUARD with all your fucking flags

-keep my ass
-dontwarn my balls
-dontshrink my asshole

FUCK YOU for all the hours I have to spend figuring out how to make you happy whenever I update guava or any other damn library GO FUCK YOURSELF

:)

seeing all these devRant stress balls makes me want one!

Dear Comcast, why in the flying fuck is it necessary for you to bring down the entire network for five hours to do "routine maintenance." There's nothing routine about that.

Go find the most cancerous Instagram page in the "coding community" and multiply it by 10.

Bonus points if they:
>>post vague and utter bullshit motivational captions with completely irrelevant pictures.
>>Have the word "entrepreneur" in their bio
>>Have emojis in their bio
>>Mention coffee in their bio

Oh and you know the shitty clean versions of songs that filter out anything that is slightly offensive words? (I recently heard a song that filtered the words "balls" and "vagina." Apparently anatomy is offensive to the snowflakes now.) That's gonna happen to our code. We're gonna have shitty censored versions that remove all "offensive" words.

My boss is such a fucking pussy when it comes to stand up for anything that, even being a calm person, sometimes I just want to bitch slap that mother fucker, get him by the neck and say:
GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS FOR FUCKS SAKES!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Is it just me, or is the rants longing for stickers and balls (sounds vaguely euphemistic) becoming just a bit too common?

I love some good stickers as much as the next guy, but wouldn't it be more fun to have them for something more, well, rant-y?

But by all means, keep ranting about what you think about, I love all of it.

Another Developer: bro, shit hit the fan. The x web service is throwing some error. Can you take a look please. I want to go home. I'm tired.
Me: Yea sure bro no worries.
Another Developer: I go pee, after that I will delegate the ticket to you.
(Another Developer goes to the washroom)
Me: (04:59 PM) Oh time to pack-up and get the fuck out of here
Me: (05:08 PM) Receive a message on Viber from Another Developer. It reads "Fuck you, I'm going to rub my balls on your desk"

Got myself one of these stress balls.

I'm just starting on the dev world. I only taken Java and C++.(Both professors knew their coding however, sucked balls at teaching it). now i am here looking at this post scared as shit for my future.. damn what did i get myself into?

When you've been busting your balls and finished a ton of work and somebody who can't deliver 1% of your work implies you don't work hard enough... Grrrrrrrr!!!!

@dfox You lately changed the needed +1's for stickers and stress balls. But you forgot to update the website ^_^ Clicking on Free Swap still refers to 15 and 150.

Got my first legit side-gig as a developer (like had to write an SOW and everything): my kids' pediatrician is amazing, but shes switching to a concierge practice, meaning she wont take any insurance, and shes going from about 1500 patients down to about 200. I already pay my mortgage-worth in insurance on a monthly basis, so we were prepared to say adios to her. At my daughter's last appointment, she pulled me aside and said "what can we do to keep you guys as patients?" and i somewhat jokingly suggested "I dunno, need any websites written?"

As a matter of fact, she did: she just fired her practice's web developer, who gave her a shitty wordpress site and fought like hell to avoid any further maintenance or updates for her. She hates the site's current layout (no surprise there) so she is basically giving me full control over a rewrite.

No user logins, no worries about compliance with PII or any of that. Literally just turning a brochure wordpress site into an angular app, hosting it on her own server and eventually building an admin page where she can change the banner text and upload new images.

And my kids will get free, top-notch health care.

I have this guy at work who does pranks constantly, mostly towards his supervisor. Some of his more memorable ones:

- Placed a ballon at the wall behind the door + stuck a needle to the door in his supervisors office
- Hid a small speaker playing "happy birthday" nonstop inside the roof of his office
- Placed a box full of golf balls in our site manager's mail shelf, carved a hole in the box and waited.
- Threw an orange (yes, actual orange) at his supervisor, and hit him in the throat. Entertaining for everyone but them.

TL;DR Know your field of knowledge and accept help from outside.
Alright I work devops and I swear to fucking god the next dev that tells me that their networking idea/solution is better or outright ignores me then proceeds to ask for help is going to get a firm punch in the balls. If you're a lady you're going off the roof because you don't have balls. I am open to ideas but when they're involving a 10/100 mini switch or python routing I'm going to kick their ass.

Hate it when people do this.
where are your balls?

for your next edition of "TI's constantly been smoking crack since the 80s and has no intention of ever stopping":

the TI-8x calculators have a hardware buffer and an OS-provided buffer for screen data, effectively being an "immediate" buffer in hardware, to be displayed next VBlank, and a "slower" buffer, being what's copied to the "immediate" buffer when the OS decides it's time to update the screen. All well and good, maybe a little weirdly done but all in all makes sense. (You can even define a third buffer in RAM if you need to triple-buffer your shit.)

The problem arises when you use TI-BASIC and try to draw to the screen:
If you do something like, say, draw a circle, you'll notice that it's visibly drawn to the screen one pixel at a time. However, looking through what bits of the SDK I can find, the OS' "draw circle" assembly routine *doesn't update the immediate buffer!*

This means that, in TI-BASIC, the "draw circle" routine doesn't use the ACTUAL circle-drawing routine the OS provides, but instead individually calculates and plots a pixel, then updates the hardware buffer (an ENTIRE 768 bytes are copied EVERY TIME) and waits for VBlank to pass before repeating for the next one. In other words, it's deliberately slow as fuck.

Why? All the drawing commands, outside of like 2 or 3, do this. Why would you deliberately slow down the process of drawing to the screen on a system that you KNEW would be popular for people to code on???

That moment when you make a suggestion. But client ignores you, and you end up building what they want.

Then an asshole comes along and presents the thing that you suggested, and has the balls to say they made it. When you can clearly see that it's the prototype you made!

At least it's Friday...

what grinds my balls ? DATA INCONSISTENCIES!!! what the fuck did people think proliferating bad data futher into the abyss of existence!!!

Weirdest moment ever in a CS class:
Course on probabilistic theory. Excercise mentions something about balls in 4 hats. Prof starts to draw them on a chalkboard in a shape of upside down male genitalia. Before finishing the second one starts to giggle.

Dude is a 70 yo grandpa.

My Final Year Project used robotics, speech recognition, body mapping and it was possibly the coolest thing I've ever done. I did it to be balls out ambitious as I wanted an impressive project to help me get a job...

i don't know about you...but each time Devrant takes longer to load i see a weenie with 2 small balls

One of the most rude things you can do to an open source project is immediately question why they use a specific (language, toolkit, gui, build system, etc) and suggest they use something entirely different simply because it is "better".

Like I can't even compare it to something a normal non-technical person would understand.

It's not even a preference thing like what car you drive or iPhone vs Android.

I've literally donated hundreds and hundreds of hours of my time and you get the benefit of using the software free of charge and then you have the balls to question what I've given you.

They got balls to show this

When you have to add new features to a 5 years old app, because it would be a heavy lift to rewrite.

So no dev lead has the balls to bring it through the board, so you are stuck with ancient and awful code.

A previous colleague of mine had plenty of years in the industry as a Java developer, but somehow still had absolutely no idea what he was doing. We used to send screenshots of his PRs to each other just to give our eye balls something to roll about - I have never seen anything like it, anywhere.

After multiple warnings of never delivering a single thing he eventually "voluntarily" left the company. He now works at a school teaching programming to students. The circle is complete.

well well well, at least you have the balls to agree

Because others are doing it..

Client: We want all of this done with only this "Web Stack" because everyone else in the industry is licking its balls, Just get it done, we need a taste of it too.

Me: lick mine instead?

Learning to code using xamarin, I'm fucked off with kids iOS/android apps that are free and have too many ads or aren't free but suck balls. Apologies if my language offends.

>>"Oh we're more like family here and we like to have people join our family style instead of setting strict rules and punishing people " == "You'll stay late everyday and you won't be paid any extra hours and you'll be ass fucked with impossible deadlines unless you could fondle the managers balls"

True
>>

really fucking hate those PM types who will hear a smart sounding term or buzzword used by a developer, and then proceed to overuse it (mostly incorrectly) in every fucking conversation as if it's le mot du jour.

or better yet, when the fucking parrot proceeds to drive a meeting with PO's by regurgitating verbatim your explanation you gave to him 2 hours before as if he knows that the fuck he's talking about. oh but when someone asks a question for clarification - "hey dev, you wanna take this one?"

hey PM, you wanna lick my balls?

2 AM rolls around, I'm still balls deep in this stupid template, and mind you, now everything I have written is starting to sound ridiculous and stupid.

I think I'm gonna be a laughing stock once this gets published. (I'd fully believe that myself if only I did not believe wholeheartedly in my supervisor)

Ubuntu always pulls me back in.

Fucking Debian can kiss my sweaty balls

The only sexy cooperate jargon / acronym word(s) is/are:
WFH = Work From Home ❤️🤓😏

!Rant But this is hilarious 😂

Appraisal interview of Gayle:

Gayle:- Sir, I scored 211 Runs in 118 Balls. I made the team win the crucial match. I should get “A” rating.

Management:- You hit 17 Sixes and 23 Fours. Though, that is good but that is not something new you have done. That is why we hired you. As this is not something new, I will mark it as “Innovation Lacking”.

Gayle:- But sir, I played according to the situation. I took 21 singles as well.

Management:- Exactly, your performance is not consistent. You played 15 Dot Balls as well. This means, you failed to optimize the resources.

Gayle:- But…

Management:- Also, I would like to mention that you are not a team player. The whole team scored 112 and you all alone made 211.

Gayle:- What??

Management:- Yes. So, overall, you are getting a “C” rating for the year. Improve Consistency, Innovation, Utilization and Team Work...

Want me to install and fuck around with windows? Might as well press and drag my balls across sandpaper

tbh my high school curriculum revolves around the fact that my compsci class is run by code.org
i fucking hate those videos and drag and drop blocks to learn how to code
in 10years when im (hoping to be ) a software engineer, will the company have drag and drop? no. they will have keyboards and a screen. teach me how to fucking type code and not blocks please...
code.org has tainted this world just like how puberty tainted my dick recently...
teach me how to code, dont teach me how to drag and drop..

Fucking android framework. Sucks my huge ass balls. What is wrong with the people that wrote this?
You implement a fba and hide it when the recyclerview in the corresponding is scrolled down.
Then you change to API level 25 and they fucking decide it would be a good idea to refuse to send the onNestedScroll when the visibility for a fba is set to GONE which is itself not bad, but they also think setting the visibility for the fba when you call the hide() method to... yea you guessed it FUCKING GONE would be an amazing decision. Oh yea you smart ass nice decision I'm so glad you did it.

rant="""
It's too many features for me to keep up with. And the client just bounces between this matrix of all the possible permutations of them, refusing to admit that he is asking for mutually exclusive behavior in more than one place. I have mentioned to him at least 12 times a year that there is too much going on, not organized, we need to simplify, prioritize, or we will have 100 half baked untested features.

Of course it is more or less made it out to be that this is all my fault, or at least it's hard not to feel that way when I say:

It will be a long time before X will be working, we need 25 other things first.;

Next day he asks:
Have you made any progress on X;

I reply: Now we need 24 things to be done at this rate it will be a month.;

He replies:
Ok but I need this yesterday. How about if you add a new feature Y that does everything X does without those 24 things?;

I reply: That will not work at all like X. Y is just X + 1 more feature.

He replies: Ok well I need Y so when you're done with X I need a way to do it like Y also. I just thought it'd be easier.

EASIER TO ADD MORE FUCKING FEATURES YEAH SURE THATS EASY AS FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK. He's a nice enough guy, pretty smart compared to my first few paying gigs, but wtf really? How do I come out and tell you I need 25 days and you ADD more work? This was one example.

IN TWO days he has added 12 features. And during the week has asked for 29 UI interfaces to be COMPLETELY different. This is becoming COMMONPLACE. Every week there is either a huge change, or a conversation like about that finds its way into the entire business flow inside an dout.

The worst thing is: I TOTALLY understand what he needs. I feel that HE doesn't. This weekend I spent literally HALF of his retainer on getting equipment into my hands to bring it back to find out it DOESNT WORK. Why aisn't HE doing this so I can finish the features from NOVEMBER that HE NEEDS in order to PROCESS SALES.

I've tried and tried but I just can't get through to this client what a tremendous waste of time his \"process\" is, for lack of a better word. Constant changes, contsant additions, lack of clarity, needless repetition and contradictions, constantly adding moonshot ideas to compete with every industry in the region, and not beta testing anything until something goes wrong.

Fuck this guy! His business is failing and I felt responsible for the longest time but it is clear to me that if I wanted to save his business I would have to ignore 95% of his feature requests. I ignore 50% now because of the stress in trying to determine which of the 3 different paradigms he is talking about changing. I will lose this client, and I feel like he will sue me to get all of his money back. He holds me to very little honestly - BUT WEEKLY reminds me that he won't be able to pay me next month if feature XY and Z arent ready!

If a developer is CLEARLY overwhelmed, it makes NO sense at all to continue to PILE ON feature after feature
"""
try:
while true:
rant+=", after feature"
except DevHeadExplodes as inevitable:
raise YourDevsRatesOrLookElsewhere(inevitable)

There's a russian guy that's absolutely cracking my balls. He proposed to translate one of my apps and I said ok. When he sent me the translated version, I published it and everything was ok. Now he sent me another file saying that this one is the real final one. I said him I will change it in the next release, but now he started send me emails and he downvoted the app. FUCK OFF. I AM THE DEVELOPER, I DO WHAT I WANT. The guy is also very rude.

!dev but it is a fucking rant.

Happy new years fucking 2018 already turning off great with me freezing my fucking balls off cause my heater aint fucking working. Top it off my Damn Hotter Than Hell Water Heater froze and i have no hotwater. Fuck somebody find me that son of a bitch 2018 where i can take it out im the woods and shoot that dickheaded cocksucking asshole.

I came in to work again today...

ACPI YOU FUCKING CUNT

STOP IMPOSING SUCH SHITTY STANDARDS THAT REQUIRE AN OPERATING SYSTEM TO SCAN THE RAM FOR SOMETHING AND TO INTERPRET BYTECODE BY ITSELF!

JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE MADE TO UNIFY THINGS DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULDNT BE REDESIGNED FROM SCRATCH YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING BALLS BUSTING SHITTY STANDARD ^1

ALSO, PLEASE FFS DOCUMENT YOUR SHIT-KNÖDEL WELL, PLEASE. WOULD MAKE IT AT LEAST BEAREABLE

^1 I realized I didnt use enough swear words

Epic games got big balls

sudo apt-get sterile
#kicked in the balls

I read an article that says stress balls are far less effective for stress relief than punching your PM on the face.

They should have included a warning...

DevRant needs a bug bounty program where they give out stress balls

"Company Policy requires you to complete data awareness course"

Open up link, press next 30 times and exit before the quiz marks the action as Complete,

My Balls do like HR

Python sucks

That is all

Spending all day sitting in a chair takes its toll on my back. Lumbar and intra-scapular areas are ssssoooooo sore that I can't even stretch them out properly any more (I'm quite a flexible person).

Thanks to my closest shopping centre for this double foam-ball. It's the best investment I've made in years and it only cost me 4€.

Whenever I lay and roll on it slowly I usually drift into sleep out of pleasure.

It's not an ad or anything, just a recommendation to my fellow IT guys and gals suffering back pains from sitting all day long.

I was doing an asset management project for the CTO of a small company in ASP.NET and the CTO decided to stick his crap smeared fingers into the development because he 'developed' a completely different AS/400 system which everyone complained was like having a dog smear it's balls all over your screen while taking a dump on your keyboard. Fucking idiot would have given me 2 weeks extra work with all the shit he broke if it wasn't for version control.

Balls deep into some convolutional network because the results "could be better", at 8 PM while my food is getting cold.

... Somebody murder my inner bitch, thanks and appreciated. She's been an absolute pain lately.

P.S. does anybody get annoyed with themselves so often or should I book a psychotherapist?

I really wanna dive into low level stuff (kernel modules and shit) but I'm genuinely scared of this stuff, very very steep learning curve. I'm pretty sure I'll just spend 4 hours cluelessly trying to make something work. One day I'll find the balls to learn it tho.

Some devs rant for stress ball.

I rant for my balls 😓

I'm seeing all these people with rants over 100 for the week and i'm thinking to myself: you lucky sobs you get squishy balls... 🙃

Oh look the store is open now! I can get all the squish balls I want now.

Ok fellow dev's, the engineering head said that he had to let me go because apparently I'm a very talented engineer but I have a bad attitude. All of this because he claims I don't seem too interested in meetings and all that bs.
So from Monday on it's Knowledge transfer time since major parts of our product have been written by me.Wish the head had some balls, and told me he was firing me because I wont suck up to him and be a yes man, bastard thinks you can hire and fire good dev's just like that (he can) .Plus he has never appreciated folks for the effort and the work they do. :(

For fuck's sake, why do so many engineering professors use Comic Sans in their power points and documents?!? These are incredibly intelligent people, so how can they be so ignorant? We all have to suffer as a result... Honestly, has nobody ever had the balls to tell them to change their fucking font because it is ugly as sin, hurts the eyes, and is super childish? Fuck all those people who insist on using Comic Sans. You all deserve to spend time burning in hell for your cruelty. Better yet - sir who invented Comic Sans: go fuck yourself and burn in hell.

IBM Websphere Application Server... the fact that that needs to be install for other middleware to run makes me irrate my balls with a grinder...

Just went through EOY reviews. I found out in my own review that someone made the questionable decision to give me a raise and a promotion I'm not sure if I deserve... however why I'm really stoked is because its the first time I've gotten to promote one of my juniors! Now *that* is a really rewarding feeling because the dude certainly went balls deep and earned it, and I have the power to validate that.

My colleagues work on our project files with unstable software for hours on end without saving their progress. Honestly, the balls on them. One of them just closed their Laptops to put it in energy saving mode without saving 2h of progress. Why are you doing this to me?

So I got my sister a new PC and being the thrifty (and masochistic) fuck I am, I thought I'd build it myself. I built the PC yesterday (side note: Stick to backplate coolers, Push-Pin is the bane of my existence, patience and fingers) and wanted to install Windows today.
I shit you not, I ran this godforsaken spawn of Satan of 'Windows Media Creator Tool' no less than 5 times with different USB sticks, different Ports, turned off AV and FW and as Administrator but stuff ain't working. After ~30min of downloading Windows each time, it always told me in usual Windows manner "Something went wrong", because who needs decent error messages anyway...

Oh my damn god,
I just found the remote-server plugin for vsCode and holy fuck balls, it's the one thing I've wanted from vsCode since ever.

When you dev in VMs and are forever working with remote code using SFTP and git on a remote servers, it's a pain in the ass.
But this, god damn this solves all of that, and with connection specific plugins, I think I just came.

I went to some hot springs.
One of the tubs read "Medicinal water".
I went in.
Eventually my balls started to burn.
Got out and showered until the sensation went away.
Medicinal water, never again.

These are my stress balls for now... Anyone else?

Wait a minute.....@dfox was giving away squishy devrant balls?! ugh I need to rant more. rant rant rant.

> be me
> straight dude, 7/10
> discover devRant
> there’s that one girl with damn sexy thighs
> decide to ask her out
> she gives me her telegram
> she’s taken but has free relationship
> feelsgoodman.png
> she agrees to go on a date
> met her
> we have a little chitchat about CSS and decide to find a room
> gonna go balls deep bro
> pull her leggings down
> …

FUCK YOUUU GERRIT, YOU CAN SUCK MY BALLS, YOU'RE JUST A BOOTLEGGED VERSION OF GITHUB BECAUSE GOOGLED WANTED TO MAKE SOME $$, SING ALONG ERRBODY

Second job

Was the lead dev on an ios/android project. I knew that i was not gonna spend much time there and was using them to add shit to the portfolio. my app is in the playstore and seems to be working fine, can't get credit for it and can't bitch about it either since i burned all bridges with that company. the app is a trucking logger logistics ba type of deal for a local company.

i was paid $400 dllrs a week. Yeah I know, ain't shit in the U.S much less Texas. But the thing gave me perspective:
Android development sucks big balls and ios is way easier and nicer on devs.

I'm diving back into c++ for a nice opportunity (if that happens) but Jeez I straight up suck balls with exercises... It's depressing, like I can't even solve a very simple problem, I can code from memory pretty much all I learned so far, but when I comes to applying it to a real problem, I become super dumb and don't know what I'm doing anymore...
I've set myself a goal tho, I'll keep doing minimum 5 exercises / days and I have to finish atleast 3 without looking at the solution to understand
I hope this will make me a little bit more interview ready if that day ever comes..

The customer wanted me to create a password for their database. I made it the name of the software and appended b4lls.

Whenever I tell him what the password is I spell out the software with the b at the end, say "the number four", then lls. He has never repeated "oh, softwareballs", I am not sure he has noticed.

I absolutely fuckin hate sysprep!!!

Fuckin mother fuckin shit cock balls saggy tits wrinkled ass cunt

Dividing currency values across new invoices results in ball aching rounding issues.

Finally solved it and there's no one around to high five.

I'm so fucking done with this shit. If someone forgets every git command every single fucking tim le is ok to ask. Every time someone asks advice on how to write a fucking retarded workaround (out of lazyness, because fixing their own code is too much to ask), it'a ok.
The *ONE* fucking time i ask the name of the fucking function to generate a filter via code using their fucking cms? "you should do that via gui!" "who cares if there'll be conficts with git, just manually redo everything in production!".
God fucking dammit how can you even have the balls to complain about terrible planning and stuff not working if that's your fucking mantra?!

Oh the joy of enterprise software development in a legacy system. I just wanted to add a new checkbox with a small feature and now I'm balls deep in age old half decent documentation and just have to pray it works. Implementation time: about 2 days or so

Trying to implement a dynamic data masking solution for our databases, to filter out sensitive data.

This seems like a problem which should've been solved decades ago. But it isn't. All DDMs, proxies, seeders, maskers... they all suck balls.

Which makes me wonder, how many devs walk around with MacBooks with half a million credit card numbers on them...

Don't you just love it when a client turns around at this time of year and tells you that there is a new project and it's due by the middle of January!

And then they tell you the specs... Wait... What? How? Ummm... So you want a test app that is basically a fully working product that would take months to build ready in 15-20 days.

I'd rather drag my balls along sandpaper and dip them in vinegar...

Spotify app is so full of shit. Everything is so slow, downloaded songs still load slow if there is no internet connection, the ui is atrocious. It's so bad I found myself unconsciously switching to using youtube more and more despite it requiring me to keep the screen alive.

!dev

I'm stuck in another country because of coronavirus, living in my mother in law's house, which is a church.

this church has two levels. while we are in the higher level, the lower level is being rented to some women that I hadn't seen since I've been here.

there is a library at the lower level next to their rooms and I'm using it to work because I can't focus with all the chatter in the upper level.

second day of work and 2 hours into coding, I get my balls held onto my legs. Trust me, I had just taken a proper shower, and I don't sweat a lot, it's just my balls being balls.

Naturally I try to separate said balls from my legs with my balls. Guess who the fuck I see passing through. One of these women.

Jesus fucking christ. What a good first fucking impression. Me with my hand in my fucking crotch.

Really? Throwing bouncy balls to your buddies in the next row of cubes again? Self, I am disappoint.

You know that experience when you update a modern desktop app that uses a zillion abstraction layers and the first time you do anything it freezes for a little bit while the heavily deferred metaprogramming and asset transformations are executed and cached?

I always imagine polystyrene balls flying all over the place.

What would your drag name be?

Mine would be: Ophelia Balls (😉) or "the Dutches"

I don't get publicity hungry personalities on Medium. Their usual headlines :

"Why we left `${ insert framework}`. There's nothing wrong with it though."

Either have the balls to say you didn't do your homework when you started, or hold your peace.

Don't screw the hardworking folks whose code you depended on before bailing out.

Temperature: -14 F
Real Feel: My balls fell off.

I have more interviews from several different companies than the number of jobs i ever worked in my entire life. Soon I'll start charging them for interviewing me, $100 an hour or fuck off and lick my balls

How do you lower the level of stress, without rubber duckies, stess balls and other material stuff?)

I got the blue balls and I resort to alcohol to drown my pain

I hear Devs of all ages blaming everything on imposter syndrome. Everyone is scared and will get back stabbed by our rivals now and then. We cant build cool things if we don't suck it up and go balls out.

It's hotter than a donkey's balls in my house right now and I'm finding myself absolutely cranky at everything as a result. Time for some wine and bad Netflix, any suggestions?

Created an affiliate tracker / split test tracker / campaign tracker for my Laravel project in 1.5 days.

Not bad, not bad.

Now, should I offer it on github? Seems like I might be kicking myself in the balls if I did.

On the one hand, I don't have a lot of time atm, on the other, I'd love to meet fellow programmers who seek out and would want this, and perhaps contribute. Could lead to some great partnerships down the line..

Anyone have experience with this? Did it take a lot more time than you thought, did you meet other programmers and ended up collaborating on future projects?

Curious..

I know it's old but it happened again and I had to waste a few minutes because I couldn't disable the bloody task this time.
But using psexec tools worked.
Guess micro and soft describes their ux team.

Look at the balls on their micro cocks. "Heads up". How dare you scare me like that on *my* fucking machine that I paid for, god dammit.
"We're going to make Windows better...". Can it suck my dick after updating? Because I'd like to choke the retard genes out of it.

The only thing that comes close to it is the fucking swiping keyboard that I'm using to type this rant.

Wrote a detailed spec, costed and agreed. Meanwhile client and designer agree upon half baked designs that only vaguely resemble the spec. Don't worry though, I have balls. I'm not a yes man. Will put them both straight (again) on how the fuck we do things if it involves me, incompetent twats. Will soon be calling the shots again. Ha ha, it's either that or I fucking walk.

Does CISA actually not see the irony here...?