Buzzword dictionary to deal with annoying clients:

AI—regression
Big data—data
Blockchain—database
Algorithm—automated decision-making
Cloud—Internet
Crypto—cryptocurrency
Dark web—Onion service
Data science—statistics done by nonstatisticians
Disruption—competition
Viral—popular
IoT—malware-ready device

OK, who's idea was it to make the midterm for a computer science course have only fill in the blank answers with automated grading? 🤔

Knowing that yours is probably the last job that will be automated, followed only by complete annihilation of humanity by artificial intelligence..

Twitter: "Your account has been locked because it is displaying automated behaviour which violates blah blah blah..."
I literally have 7 Twitter accounts and you have picked the only one which ISN'T automated FFS

Sorry if I make a typo, my hands a still a little shaky, just had to stop myself from crying.

This morning I came in, opened my email, saw an automated response from Jira saying .... saying ..... saying the backend team provided details about their new endpoint.

After a year of screaming, they finally did it. It was so beautiful I fell to the floor and wept like a baby.

Thank you all for your support through this difficult time. Together we can accomplish anything!!!

Replace at least 1 person at my current employers with automated scripts.

Had this a few days ago. You know how we all have our reflexes?

Client emailed that a few sites weren't working. I always, always look at the links but that's slowly eradicating because it becomes an automated thing.

Sound was on (only headphones luckily).

*clicks link*

*wild webpage (literally) with webcam girls/shows renders and starts playing sound*
😕
😐 😰 😱 😵 😆 😅

My reflexes then made me go "FUCK FUCK FUCK HOLD ON CRAP FUCKING FUUUUUCK" (you can also take that literally in this context, yes) aaaaaand I somehow automatically closed the whole browser with ctrl+q.

*looks around to see if anyone noticed*

*wipes sweat off forehead*

That went alright 😅

I just sent an automated email titled "Gary is a Dinosaur!" to a lot of humourless clients because the ancient application I was testing assumed I was in the production environment. 🙃

Lesson to self: stop using bogus names in testing.

Still, it could've been a lot worse... 😂

The company I work for...
Has:

1. No CI/CD
2. SVN instead of GIT
3. Outsourcing to India (oof)
4. No Automated Testing
5. Uses Bugnet (ancient, outdated)
6. No clearly defined code standards
7. No real documentation on the code
8. Rubbish code
9. No desire to reduce technical debt
10. Poorly maintained DB
11. Poor outdated equipment
12. A useless PM
13. Still priotizes IE support (??)

On a scale of 1 to 10 how fucked is this company and anything they develop?

I think my automated test texts me more often than my boyfriend does

We're having an ongoing credential stuffing attack right now. Hackers hit us hard over the weekend and the web team sent out an email congratulating themselves that they stopped the threat.

I decided to look to see how they "fixed" the issue.

They modified their code to stop logging the errors to prevent Splunk from sending the automated emails to management (how we have been able to spot/monitor the attack).

They literally just put their heads in the sand, stapled a sign to their ass that reads "Meteor? We see no meteor approaching. Everything is fine."

We have this guy who is responsible for software testing, user support and stuff. Not a programmer but with good technical base knowledge. He was interested in writing automated tests, and I told him he might take some time to learn and help us there. In the last months I had to answer and explain a gazillion questions about our codebase and coding in general and it took me lot of time. But last week he showed me his first test suite which was actually good code and showed a lot of understanding of all aspects of this. This was more satisfying than anything on work ever.

Me, a 19 year old student at a meeting with a "potential new project" today:

Her: So, we would like a website where people could rent a conference room, and pay for it on the website. After they have paid, we want automated emails to go out to us and the person that rents the room. We basically want an automated rental system.
Me: Sounds fair, what kind of budget do you have in mind?
Her: Well because you are a student and you still live at home, we have a budget of about €200 (~$220). We thought it'd be fair because you don't really need an income yet.

At that point I slowly tried to fade away from the meeting... Please help me 😭

One of the morons said today that we should use C because you don't need to "apply logic" in Python. Everything is automated in python. Fucking morons............

It doesn't ends here. One of the "9 pointers gang" student raised an objection. I was happy untill he said that there is no boolean datatype in C. I literally shouted "Shut up, morons. There is a whole fucking library dedicated to it." in a class of 60 students.

Don't know how I survived 3 years here. And more importantly, don't know how will I survive my next year.

P.S.: the 9 pointer guy who raised the objection, once asked me whether chrome is developed and maintained by Google?

so I called dell to ask a question about a laptop. after navigating their anoying automated system, I get a guy who can barely speak english. I ask my question which he didnt understand until I asked 4 more times. he finally understands and says "please hold on while I search. 10 minutes go by and I ask if he's still there. he says "yes, hold on" I finally ask how his search is going after another 5 minutes. he says "I couldn't find anything on google regarding your question... really dude!?!? I already searched google and came up with nothing helpfull. you're Dell and this is a Dell product. know your shit!

I killed a man.

Oh, a dev sin, I haven't automated our builds yet and implemented ci.

found this gem today.
P.S.
captcha - Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.
ahh, seems promising!!

Trying to explain my job to friend who don't know computers.

Friend: So what do you do?
Me: Well they call me a "DevOps Engineer", but really I am just a Release or Automation Engineer.
Friend: What is that?
Me: Well I assist developers build and deploy their code as well as write code to automated the whole process and build the virtual servers.
Friend: So you like program?
Me: Kinda...
Friend: Dude can you write an app for me, got some ideas!
Me: (blinks) no.

PM: Guys, we have to upgrade Java 8

Me: hey check out all these cool functional programming stuff (lambdas)in Java 8.

PM: Sorry you can't do that. Our automated testing software isn't up to date to test Java 8. So you have to code it "vanilla"

Me: Erm, upgrade it?

PM: we didn't budget it for that.

Me: *thinks to me miself* brilliant

ok, companies that use a robotic automated attendant on on they main phone where you are supposed to describe vocally your problem can actually fuck off and die.

I hate you so much.

No boss... For the fucking millionth time: unit tests are not a waste of time.

You keep testing everything manually and hoping that you tested everything every time and praying that there are no bugs IS THE FUCKING TIME WASTE

My boss just can't fucking wrap his head around automated tests... I'm trying hard... Gonna try harder...

I am but one man. Please remember that I am only human, and as much as I have automated, some things still take time.

Also,

I DON'T KNOW IT'S A FUCKING ISSUE UNTIL YOU MAKE ME AWARE OF SAID ISSUE. IF THIS ISSUE GOES ON FOR WEEKS, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM AWARE. PLEASE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, LET ME KNOW BEFORE IT BECOMES A HEADACHE FOR YOU. BECAUSE WHEN AN ISSUE BECOMES A HEADACHE FOR YOU, YOY THEN BECOME A HEADACHE FOR ME.

I got a call at 12:30 one night a few months back. Apparently some back-end scripts I edited to fix an automated test setup crashed around 75 test pc's and halted somewhere around 2000 tests. I quickly jumped on, fixed the issue, and got everything back online.

I was up all night certain I would get fired. First thing in the morning the client says welcome to the club some, of the best have done the same thing.

My secret joy. Logging into our "automated email do not reply" mailbox and reading folks futile attempts to argue with an automated system

Namecheap: *cricket noises for over a year*
Today: "hEy ThErE cOnDoR, yOuR dOmAiN WiL eXPirE iN 24 hOuRs!1! rEnEw NoW, yOU rEadY?"
Me: "No you motherfucking bastards, a bank transfer takes 3 days at least. Oh wait you don't even accept bank transfer, how convenient!"

And what if I didn't see that email right after your fucking craptacular automated notification system sent it to me, hmm? Don't you Namecheap of all companies know how fucking *vile* domain squatting on the .com is?!!

MOTHERFUCKING CUNTS!!! Jeopardize my domains like that *one more fucking time*, and guess who will be taking his assets to the sexist bastards that I tried avoiding for so long, GoDaddy! FUCKERS!!!

Woooooooo!
Just finished my first fully automated CI/CD system. Now all my commits go through the pipeline and gets deployed to live automatically.

It's a small project but still, it's really cool!

CAPTCHA meaning: "Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart".
Proof the the CS community is bad at creating acronyms.

Just now saw an email from Support after I asked them to run some cleanup commands on 4 servers.

Support: u need to give us an automated job for this.

WELL FUCK YOU, Y DON'T YOU JUST DO IT URSELF.

I JUST SPENT 2HRS INVESTIGATING A PROD ISSUE WHICH GOT ESCALATED CUZ UR A BUNCH OF USELESS INCOMPETENT MONKEYS... THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS HELP... AND WHAT I HOPE WOULD BE YOU BUILD UR OWN TOOL... BEING SUPPORT UR SUPPOSED TO HELP ME REDUCE MY WORK NOT INCREASE IT

So for everyone looking for a job, that keeps getting rejection or crickets I'll give you the following tip.

Most of the first level screen of resumes are done by automated machines that are basically just doing keyword matching. So if you want your resume to get through more of these automated scanners, what you do is create a second page on your resume and cram it with every keyword, and buzzword you can thinking of, like "10 years react experience." "20 years java architect", "AR/VR 5 years", "15 years mobile", etc ,etc.

Then select the text and change it to white. No human being will see it, but the automated scanners will and rocket you to the top of the list.

Your welcome. Now help me get my penguin!

Devops scheduled an automated live release for 5pm.
I saw them drive out of the car park at 4:30pm.
Not a single fuck given 😂

It's vacation for me for two weeks of which one week will be a vacation outside the country and one will be home-time.

Will work on redesigning my entire server 'infrastructure' and an automated website/openvpn/whateverthefuckiwanttodeployorwhatever system solely written in bash/shell scripting.

Partly because it's awesome to learn new Linux-related stuff and partly because I really want to have this functionality and would love to write it myself.

Also working on three side projects of which two will become a service and one will be released into the open :)

But, tomorrow will be dancing my ass off to quite some of my favourite producers :D

When I first started using Git, I didn't understand the purpose of the 'commit message' and branches.

So I automated the 'git add .', 'git commit -m "update"' and 'git push origin master' so I could update my git repo faster, with one command 😂

Today I fell down the rabbit hole.

I've been writing some automated tests which found an asymmetry in our algorithm which I think is caused by an off by 1 in even input dimensions.

Change input to odd dimensions, crash due to out of bounds exception.

Switch to debug mode to try to work out why we crash, failing asserts for default function arguments with no obvious reason beyond a helpful message saying they're unsupported.

I am a machine learning engineer and my boss expects me to train an AI model that surpasses the best models out there (without training data of course) because the client wanted ‘a fully automated AI solution’.

Today I got lectured by one of our Seniors that my automated test isn't useful because it always fails. Reminded him that it only fails because of a bug that's assigned to his team for four months now. He answered that I should remove the test case. Sometimes I honestly question why they even have a QA if they ignore at least 80% of reported bugs...

Automated a process which was being perfomed manually for 5 years !
Client is so happy comes up with more stuffs to automate.

Your job is automated now

I just cleared out 48,158 monitoring emails from work. These are all automated emails received between mid May and end of November. Outlook is now pouting in a corner and not responding, but I'm not done cleaning up yet...

I love getting automated congratulatory messages on LinkedIn!

Said no one ever.

I automated my job using python and told about it.
Well lazy, stupid and dumb.

Just tech screened a kid for a senior Network automation role, in a specific niche.

He's never automated anything before. Didn't know networking basics, didn't know about the niche...

This guy hasn't heard of unit testing or UDP... good luck out there kid. You've got balls anyway.

My coworker passed in February and recently LinkedIn generated her automated 30th work anniversary post. Tons of people commented "congrats." I commented "rip 💔" and after my comment people kept commenting "congrats." Your LinkedIn connections do not know or care if you are alive or dead. Everyone's just doing what the algorithm wants. It's dystopian.

"Server deployment is automated from git, so dont merge things into the master branch without permission"
Oh ok
>i create new branch
>push unfinished code because i gotta hurry
>server breaks
Well golly gee seems like you did a shit job at automating

Fuck big tech companies. Fuck their surveillance capitalism. Fuck their monopolies and anti-competitive bullshit. Fuck their tax dodging. Fuck their fighting against the right to repair. Fuck their worship of revenue above all else. Fuck their 30% cut on everything. Fuck their world-destroying revenue models built on heartless AI and zero customer service. Fuck their automated banning systems with zero explanation as to why the fuck they've banned you, with zero fucking recourse. Fuck their amoral psychopathic CEOs and their fucking space rockets. Fuck all this shit. When I'm done with this IT project I'm fucking done with tech.

Okay I'm done now.

Virtual Assistants these days xD

Client : I want a fully automated e-commerce website at the $50

Me : Who thought would negotiate till $400 😅

"No time for automated tests, we've got too much testing to do..."

boss: we should map all the possible ways to do things in the system so we can test them and make sure we fix the bugs.

Me: yeah, well, that is exactly what automated tests are for, every time we find a non-mapped way that breaks this we make a test out of it and fix, this ways we end up mapping the majority of ways.

Boss: yeah,yeah ... Let's sit down latter and map everything on a document.

I bet my ass we are never gonna have tests as a part of our workflow.

Not even YouTube descriptions (Which, I guess, are automated by BuzzFeed...?) are safe from this little joy of a bug.

I've had a Twitter bot running for just over a year now. It's going to gain it's 6000th Follower at some point today.
I find it odd that an automated account I made has more Followers than all of my human accounts across all social networks combined - a lot more. I like to wonder about my bot Followers, how many of them are bots? How many of them are real and feel an actual connection with "me" and look forward to my Tweets, blissfully unaware that it's a bot?

OMG I just accidentally deleted hundreds of hours of work permanently ... F*** ME 😱😱😱😨😨😱😰
THIS IS WHY I DON'T FUCKING USE AUTOMATED BATCH SCRIPTS.

These bloody form designers.

I was filling in this form earlier and there were some fields which were not marked mandatory so I didn’t fill them in (because why should I ?)

And then later, I received a dozen automated e-mails one for each non-mandatory field I did not fill asking me to provide them that information.

Boss coding.
Boss not fan of tests at all.

"Hey I'm doing all of tests" - boss to me.
"Cool, are they automated? Or do you want me to implement'em?" - me to him

[long speech about why tests are irrelevant including "...once I tested, it is tested, we dont need to have automated tests."] *im teaching you because you dont know voice*

Please, help meeee

I opened a ticket earlier with my automated ticket script, and saw its number, so I couldn't resist.

Oh, my boss never fails to amaze me...

Every fucking time he talks about changes to someone outside the team he says something like:
"we always gotta be prepared for breaks because it is always like that, you change something here and when you see you broke something there"
All in a manner that *tries* to bring tensions down.

And every time I explain to him why the fuck automated tests are important and wtf they do he always manage to understand it as a waste of time...

I'm never gonna give up, motherfucker.

As lead developer I was not allowed to implement automated testing as "we don't have time for that" - you have no idea how much time it would save!

I just automated the tasks I had for next week. What to do, what to do ^^ This is not really a rant but just me boasting. Time for beer.

Me: why are we paying for OCR when the API offers both json and pdf format for the data?
Manager: because we need to have the data in a PDF format for reporting to this 3rd party
Me: sure, but can we not just request both json and PDF from the vendor (it’s the same data). send the json for the automated workflow (save time, money and get better accuracy) and send the PDF to the 3rd party?
Manager: we made a commercial decision to use PDF, so we will use PDF as the format.
Me: but ...

Any developers here working on automated trading systems?

Picture below shows my personal Forex box that I've been working on for over a year. Still in progress.

Im based in Brooklyn, New York

Must fun was definitely when I programmed the automated installing tool to make my life easier at my old work.

Imagine​ having to install about 30+ PC's in an period of 2 days and that repeating at least 1-2 times a week...Having standard programms to install like acrobat pro and more...

Just deployed needed software on the net. wrote a ghost installer programm and let him deploy the software for me. No continue smashing anymore. God bless that idea I had.

Maintainer seconds to destroy automated dependency management bot

2k18 colorized

We did a small automated review on our code base at work. We discovered that multiple single functions written by my colleagues have a cyclomatic complexity of over 420.

I can't think of words to describe how shit that is.

My friend ha just big exam in their programming class. They got the assignment week before and were allowed to use libraries. They were using Java and Maven repos. He created his own Maven repo and added finished assignment as a library. He just added his repo to the gradle project and selected his library as a dependecy. He then created one class with main method, 10 lines of user input and called main method from his library. Since the school newly tests students work automatically, he instantly passed with 100% and had to look like hes actually working for next 3 hours 😂. Noone noticed anything after 2 weeks 😂

You know u have no life when you get a call, you're all excited about who's it going to be...
"oooh an unknown number!"
*picks up*
"who's this?"
... *automated voice* "This is apple calling you for your apple verification code... your code is..."

And u realize u have ur computer on which u need to enter your code because u tried to login 2 minutes ago...

A vendor gave us what is turning out to be a very stable storage appliance/software, so we're happy for that. But even so, disks fail. So we need an automated way to identify, troubleshoot, isolate, and begin ticketing against disk failures. Vendor promised us a nice REST API. That was six months ago. The temporary process of SSHing(as root) to every single appliance(60-200 per site, dozens of sites) to run vendor storage audit commands remains our go-to means of automation.

Just started a new job yesterday in Software Config. I mentioned automating something that could be easily automated, and my coworker looked up and said "You're trying to automate 80% of my job. Stop."... This is my life now.

Recently attended a final stage interview. So far probably spent 60% of the time discussing my previous roles/experience - (sigh) Then along comes the "Core Java" questions. FINALLY!! My chance to really shine.

Q: How do you make an object a singleton?

I give my answer, thinking this is the ice breaker question and ready for the next question...

Nope, thats it! Apart from the automated tech test in the previous round, my entire tech ability is measured by whether I can memorise a design pattern!

I HATE automated messages on Slack

Remove fucking GitHub updates, Jira updates, all this stupid bullshit that pollutes actual communication between humans in all that fucking shit and makes me miss actual messages because I ignored a channel where that garbage cancer shit was set up on?

What's wrong with going to fucking Jira and GitHub and checking how things are going THERE?

Yeah, hiring people solely to write unit tests is a completely reasonable thing to do, i mean, its not like unit tests are a perfectly repetitive task that could easily be automated or anything...

Your mother must be the most efficient automated javascript build system ever.

Cause no one could come pop out more uglified than you.

You know a shitty recruiter when he/she offers you a job because 'I analyzed your github profile and noticed your extensive expertise in PHP', although all you did was cloning an extremly large PHP project and made one commit over thousands of lines of code which you simply generated through a fully automated php5 to php7 converter.

Disclaimer: never wrote a line of PHP before.

a) when i wanted to write a twitter client for the console
b) when i automated my job that i had at a school event
just the ability to do such stuff is very exciting to me.

I should totally design a fully-automated restaurant.
It wouldn't even be that difficult. 😕

Burgers and fries? Simple!
Pasta? Simple.
Sandwiches? Boringg.
Salad? No way.

Automated food prep is best idea.

- was a manager of a super market
- got tired of walking to tills to give discount
- taught myself to code
- wrote a loyalty card system that automated the discount
- met an investor with a similar mindset and rolled it out nationally (after it was professionally refactored).

This was my "last job" starting in like 2009 not my current.

Automated Trading System for Stocks

Was talking about how I implemented CI/CD in one of our projects as a starting point to others and how it worked by running tests and deploying to the server and one of my colleagues laughed about having to have tests at all, I explained and asked him what was he gonna do that morning, his answer:

"Well, I'm gonna test the system X and fix some bugs"

To what I replied:

"If you have automated tests you could have those tests automatic(?!) and they also help you finding bugs early"

Wtf do ppl have in mind that they prefer remediation over prevention and they end up wasting their time with shit that could be fully automated?

When all your automated test results come back good... But you just know, deep down, somewhere there's a plate of shit sitting too close to a fan.... waiting!

From A month of Python to start a month of JavaScript, my automated code review yells at me for missing "var" and ";"...

Global scope should not be the default and semicolons should be disallowed.

Piece of shit cake. I'll stab you in the goddamn virtual neck with a screwdriver. Not get my nuget packages. Go fuck yourself in your fat fucking ass. Goddamn, who automated this build process. I did. Fuck me.

Oh so day continued....

My boss just asked me before I left... You know that report we wanted automated, you said you'd get it done by today, is it done yet?

Me: well uh who dragged me into a PROD issue because no one else knows how to investigate... EVEN THOUGH I BUILT AND SHOWED U HOW TO USE THEM... SEVERAL TIMES. (no i didn't say this last but that's what went on in my head).

Oh and I figured out what the issue was...

Tired of installing Arch, I've made a script to automatize the installation. I'm going to upload it later. :DDD

I know I'm writing the correct integration tests when each one I add uncovers a new bug.

Still, it would be nice if just one of them passed first time.

Oh really? I don't even have Java on my LinkedIn/CV, what the hell man? These freaking automated email are starting to piss me off!

Recruiters are the worst cancer in the modern job hunting

Soo my dad has a food printer he uses to print edible images on cakes our customers order. The food printer needs to run at least once a week (regularly) to kinda guarantee not to get fucked up with its ink, as that can damage the printer when it's dry. My dad though doesn't have regular orders...
The printer has a standard function to test all colors.
My dad asked me how this task could be managed regularly, as I'm the IT guy 🙄. His idea was to log all the dates on paper.

Now I'm trying to automate this task via Windows so we don't have to care about papers to manually log when the next test must run. On Windows the printer settings can be accessed to run this color check.

... I've got a feeling this will be another one of those tasks that I will overengineer over the top😅. I've already done my research with automated batch jobs (never done batch before) but the normally proposed code for a "Düsentestmuster", so the color check, prints a different overview I was not expecting, which doesn't fit the purpose.
Now I'm here and, as I currently see no way of simplifying it, I have to kinda simulate a person that opens these settings and runs this check. With Python, pyautogui and Tesseract OCR, to prevent the program from clicking anything wrong. Although I'm sure there should be an easier way for this, I haven't found it, so I guess I have to proceed on this path and take the experience I gain as a bonus...

Long time no rant.

Rant::beginRant();

How do people who are, I think, supposed to have a knowledge of what the fuck they're doing, keep their work without knowing what the fuck they're doing?
You're telling me that you have been hired as a "full-stack developer", yet you can't build a motherfucking Vue page over SSH (not even talking about automated deployment, just the most bare bones approach)? You don't know how to deploy a Laravel project? You don't know that Linux server paths are case sensitive? You can't read the log files?!

Rant::commitRant();

Had some fun running automated UI tests today.

Background: My project is a cloud based tool for running automated tests against a 3rd party SaaS product, so when you start a test run, it opens a Firefox window and runs some selenium automation against the 3rd party product.

Our UI tests also open a Firefox window to log into our local env and run some selenium.

Today I tried to run 4 of our UI tests in parallel.

So each test case creates a Firefox instance, and each of those starts a test run which creates another Firefox instance, sometimes 2, depending on the process being tested.

In short, at one point I had 11 different Firefox windows open, all running selenium automation.

My laptop sounded like it was trying to take off...

My tech debt meltdown is happening right now. We are releasing our huge micro service based product next week with no automated testing of any sort. Our front end clients are relatively DRY. No tests and dry = can't change anything = hacks on top of hacks.

Why? Team lead won't listen to me and has beaten me down so I don't care anymore. If it's broken fuck it.

It's sometimes really anxiety inducing thinking that all data could be gone, if somebody decides to kill/discontinue/crash [see gitlab shitting 6 hours of data due to fucked backup strategy and shitty seperation of servers] your account/service, be it server, git-repos, backups, chrome syncs, games, music, sim card, ..

But there's simply no way of having a backup of absolutely everything (ignore DRM) - especially automated and abstracted away from you, so you don't have to do all that shit yourself

I hate it every single time my boss says: Don't we have a script for that?

Maybe in he imagination we have everything automated so anything I want to do I just need to press a button. And that's why he thinks me slacking?

"can you please approve my PR?" yes, sure I'm happy to drop the context I built in my head, to pick up your totally different context, review your code and then rebuild my context.

I get an automated alert on slack whenever I'm requested a review on git, can't you fucking wait 20-40 mins when I'm out of the zone? Ffs.

There are these type of costumers who think they better know how much time it takes to do something then me. They think because they can do a little SQL and VBA, they know what it takes to work on an E-Commerce Plattform. What’s wrong with this shitheads? How about some respect?
They tried to compare the integration of an Instagram wall with integrating automated product variations. They then proposed some plugins that i should use. Surprise the plugins are completely useless for the usecase.
I just want to hit them with their dumbness. In the face. Very hard.

The moment when you have crafted a beautiful, flexible and well structured package.
Everything including the automated tests are flawless..

but you cant help but feel like something, somewhere is horrible wrong... :D

*Automated Helpline calls be like*

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

When people ask about my job, I can tell them "my bugs roll down the highway at 70mph"

It's absolute insanity when your mobile recharge expires, in India if you use Jio.

Every hour you get two SMSes, one in English and one in the local language asking you to recharge.

Flash SMS messages take up your screen if you have something on ur device out of nowhere.

If you call someone 3 days before your recharge will expire you get this automated voice lecture about how your recharge is going to expire within 3 days.

Insanity.

Ds (dipshits) keep calling my phone 6-8 times a day. Almost all automated calls.

One day AI will handle these robocallers automatically. And then it will just be GAN style robocallers vs robosecretaries training against each other to become better and better at fooling each other.

And then suddenly, one day: skynet.

With a neutral female voice.

Or maybe an Indian accent.

"Hel. Lol. m I k r O s o t tech surprott. We detect virus on ur peesee. You will be assimilated. Where joon connor?"

Like a possessed speak-n-spell melting to death in a dumpster fire.

And we'll have done it to ourselves.

This week at work I spent 20 hours debugging automated tests to avoid manual testing that would've taken a few hours.

That feeling when you’ve got a reputation of preciseness etc, and the code you just submitted for review has so many silly little mistakes you just want to do that ostrich thing. Gosh, how can I suddenly suck at my job this bad?

Okay, the changes affect EVERYTHING in our codebase (a major change in core business logic), and there is no way I could’ve tested every possible case by myself without a decent coverage of automated tests - which we obviously don’t have. So yet another argument for it (damn management, won’t you listen?!)… but still, some of the mistakes found during code review make me seem like a complete idiot.

2 in 1 Rant: When your deployment process isn't automated and consists of copying and pasting between servers (1) and the "implementer" of this "deployment" STILL messes up the copying and pasting (2). How?!

Working on another SaaS product, and now I've run into a "fun" conundrum that is hard to determine cleanly in an automated fashion.

I'm certain it's stupid bullshit opinionated conventions like this as to why so many devs are driven to burnout and bitterness...

so there is this guy on blind network who makes half a million per year... and he is worried about his job "since it might be automated away" and he is looking to switch career paths!!!!

mind boggling that a "software engineer" with that type of pay hasn't recognized that LLMs are all hype and no bite

wild

it's insane to me that people making more money in a year than i've made in my decade career know little to nothing about software

what an absolute insane time to be alive

I absolutely despise companies that do automated interview processes. You need to sit and talk to a candidate to properly vet them, then again there are some dumb interviewers who ask the most ridiculous questions

Somebody please explain.

First I get some call about some investing bs, then I get an automated voice call also about something financial related

From fucking +000000

Automated functional testing using selenium and javascript bindings

aka

FUCK FUCK FUCK Driven Development

ARGH!
Since that privacy cookie policy change thingy, every goddamn site pops up the dialog asking about it.

I just want to fucking read the page, quickly; get off my screeeeeeen!

There should be a standard to add something that lets the browser tell the page if you accept cookies or not, and which options to use; or at least make all the sites use a specific attribute for the elements of the div, so it can be automated (I know this is a dream).

That moment when you automated the application so much, working on it get's actually kinda boring 🙈😂

Devs complaining about the automated test system cuz it reports errors all the time are like trapeze artists complaining about the safety net cuz it hurts when you hit the ropes.

Shit! Facebook blocked me temporarily when I automated click on all the "love reaction button" on the live video!

nodejs automated testing grunt mocha chai etc etc. Awwww yeaaaa

In hindsight, this was entirely predictable

The feeling when your scrum master or lead ask you run the automated tests against the application though they know the application is down or not working.

First dev job is my current one.

I'm a software engineer in test, writing automated UI tests for web and mobile apps.

Its pretty great. I work from home with flexible hours. I have a boss but he doesnt manage my dev team, he just checks in to make sure I'm getting support, training and have all my questions answered. My dev team is myself and 2 other people, both of which are cool, and all the work is dev-driven.

Might just stay here until retirement, that sounds easy.

Time to change the copyright numbers on the bottom of my website, i guess i should have automated that a while back...

Happy new year anyway!

How seriously do you take TDD, CI/CD, automated testing, clean commits, good architecture, Agile, low coupling/high cohesion, etc ... ?

How much time do you invest in those things if you have a deadline up ahead?

Have you seen these things being valued or disregarded at the previous companies you worked for?

Going through the conversation for xxxxth time with my business partner, why we will not launch a new product on top of pre-made PHP script / plugin.

Just got our company into TDD, and automated QA via CI server & code checks etc, PLEASE stop trying to drag us back into the land of spaghetti code & bug legions in production. That's all thxbye.

I'm genuinely shocked at the number of people I see on here bashing automated testing as a waste of time, simply because my entire career has taught me the opposite (and it's usually only non-technical managers I see who don't want to see "time wasted" writing tests.)

I'm also just as genuinely curious - what do you guys do instead? Just don't test and deal with production issues as they occur? Pass it off to a separate UAT / human-based testing department and let them sign it off? Assume that because you're using Haskell / some other discipline it'll work if it compiles?

Wrote a bunch of Python scripts that alter an lsf script for software that we use in our lab. So now we have a Python 'library' of sorts that runs the simulation files, changes variables in the files, exports data, analyzes, tabulates, and continues until done.

I've automated potentially weeks of work to happen in minutes. I know this is run of the mill here, but I am fairly proud.

After 3 months of working at my current and first job I inherited a spaghetti codebase with files as large as 1000 lines because my mentor left.
Everything works but dare to change a thing. No Unit tests or any sane practices. At least our CI/CD is automated. 😂

Now I am asked to bend the library backwards in order to integrate it with another product. No one helps me and I am slowly starting to feel devastated. 😩

I made systems automated and effective, requiring less or no human action to process, was told it was to free up people for more sales and personal service, today I found out they fired the equilavent number of people to what my solutions made uneccesary. I really liked especially one of them and was hoping to ask her out. Guess that won't happen now. I feel horrible when my solutions cost people their Jobs.

rant?
When you want to write the unit test that demonstrates a subtle bug, but before recreating the same preconditions you end up writing 15 other tests, testing a lot of other stuff too, that in turn show other bugs, and skyrocketing the coverage (that was sitting at 0% actually).
Like I wanted to repair a hole in my umbrella to not get wet, and built a house instead.

I've been working for two days (after work) on my blog idea...

Man I forgot how fun it is to work on your own projects, and the stuff I learn at the moment... It is insane!

I am currently a very happy developer, hopefully I can keep this up.

I still have to look into automated unit testing and code formatting checks with github though, cant wait!

Some of my co-workers are so fucking dumb. Their thought process....

Let's re-run tests that are currently failing over and over until it works

😡

like bitch....fix it then run it! don't just run shit over and over to make yourself look busy.

Nothing better than walking out of the examination classroom, opening up your phone and being flooded with emails and messages about production servers being down

It's that time of the week again

Luckily, now that everything is in place everything is 100% automated with ci/cd 😎

I keep hearing about manual repetitive work that could be automated with software but for no specific reason, is not. For years I've been calling this "meatware" and yes in these cases you the developer is the meat

Don't like the way how to do something? Witte software for it! You need something automated? Develop the autonation algorithms! Don't like how an open source application works? Change it! Don't like how the closed source application works? Fucking reverse engineer and patch it!

Being a developer opens incredibly man doors in the world of information technology, that technology that drives our world, society and so, so many parts of everyone's life. So why on earth wouldn't you want to be a developer?

So, I apply for a job and they send me an automated email with my username....and my pasword....in plain text...I should use a different password for my applications....

Imagine a world that only consists of humans with a developer mindset . Would it be a better or worse world?

Aside from all the food and production problems, let's say we automated it all.

Company started automated testing recently, and the devs need to review the test scripts.

The tester assigned to my component writes script to trigger button click and nothing else to verify the result.

I couldn't​ even. I just left work for the day.

The feeling of joy when you really have to finish something and a automated windows update deletes your IDE because windows assumes it isn't compatible with the new update.

I think that was that automated greenhouse thingy.
This is basically a Raspberry Pi with sensors, a fan and a water pump controlling the air circulation and watering of the greenhouse. The data from the sensors gets stored in a database and you can check the temperature & humidity history on a shitty web interface.
This was one of my very first projects and I'm really proud of finishing it although it's really not perfect. When I started it I had never worked with
1) databases
2) sensors on the raspi
3) webinterfaces
before and somehow managed to get it working.

Not a rant, just another story about me and the man I'm gonna wife.

We both have an upcoming job interview, and I was just talking about how at our previous internship I was using python to automate some tedious tasks for me.
Me: it's like a general thing, right, to just automate things you don't really want to do
...
Me: like breathing, and waking up, ya know? I don't wanna do that shit
Him: it kind of already is automated.
Me: *three years of wasted time at med school come tumbling back in to my brain, suddenly recalling the brainstem*
Me: oh, yeah.

When you finish using the bathroom, realize there is no toilet paper, and have to stealthily move to another stall for said toilet paper. Why have we not automated toilet paper renewal.

Fuck you windows and your bizarre line endings.

^M (CR) all over the place now, fuck this, going to make an automated tool now that converts all line endings to LF

A taste in college with punchcards but mostly on Commodore 64 and IBM 5050 using BASIC and dBASE II. Automated my company from paper to systems and developed many side projects. Still creating 😀

You know what? FUCK Australian employers. I know they'd be damn fucking lucky to have me on their team.

I just finished working on something that I made several years ago (what I raised funds for in my previous rant), I then took it a step further and automated the process [if some things], and now I have my own software finding me new leads and sending them to me via email and push notifications.

With a little bit of tweaking maybe, and a little bit of time, I expect to find some new clients again.

This is the 5th time I'm going to a meeting to explain this simple detail.

Yes what you want is doable however, To do this we need to revamp another system which will require its own project to do.

This shit here is why your jobs are getting automated.

Need opinions on testing as a career:
- is it good?
- Do you find your work interesting?
- Is it rewarding(in terms of salary/timings/other stuff)?
- Does it has a good career growth?
- How hard is the work for a fresher in this?
- How much mentor support does a fresher gets in this?
- How much salaries are there in this?
- how true do you find the believe that software testing will get automated and jobs in this area will get reduced in future?
(Better if you can give a comparison in your answers, with developer profile) how tru

I am a dev and am thinking of getting into this

That feel when your job's codebase is well-maintained, extensively covered with unit, integration and full product automated tests, everything is run through continuous integration, and every change has to be scrutinized and reviewed by multiple people; so you have barely anything to devRant about :(

this really happened:
Interface Team Lead: "hey I want any time deployments and better QA"

Me: "ok sure. I have CI/CD, but yiu need to work in feature branches / tags, and make sure your code passes automated builds and unit tests"

Team Lead: "I dont have time to test it makes me unproductive! and creating a branch is an extra step which is going to set me back. Im telling the boss you are impacting performance!"

Me: "you want better deployments and QA, but you can even create a branch or tes your work?"

Team Lead: "We have deadlines!"

I have *created* a new team member :) I think he alone could replace most of the team.

Kind of makes you think what have we been doing with our time all those years. If all that work can be automated :/

Crazy deadlines> Director: "You need to design a new architecture that has failover, multi-AZ, automated deployments, CI/CD pipeline, automated builds/tests as well, for our new SaaS product. You have 3 days to complete it"

Me: "Ok cool. Do we have the new product developed? Can I have the spec docs of the new software, libs and packages required for the env?"

Product Lead: "No we dont have anything yet. The POC is on my local PC, but I dont know what packages are needed to run it"

Me: "So I cant design anything unless I have the minimum requirements to run the new software"

Director: "Just get it up and running in a live environment and we'll take it from there"

Me: *sigh*..this is going to be a big mistake

TITANOSAURUS CRAP!!!
Whose idea was to send an e-mail at 11pm about a dev job convention for this weekend!!! And on top of that there will be testing to weed out the candidates!
SIMPLY GREAT! I have to be off town for unavoidable family matters for three days without Internet connection...
Thanks a lot automated mail system for letting me know 4 days in advance that I will fail!!!
It's not that things were awful enough, now I have one more reason to be stressed, get more rashes and weep internally!

Just woke up dreaming of designing and coding a portfolio website for my hobby photography with a simple GUI and a powerful automated backend. I guess I know what I'll do the next few days :D

happy new year! what do yall have planned for this year? I'm thinking about writing me up a miniature jarvis to automate my Web Development business, nothing really special just automated invoices, website installs, calendar, contract signing, etc. where all I have to do is type up a requirement list and code

So here's a random idea: DDoS defence swarm.

Install the daemon on your server, and every time your server gets DDoS'd, all members of the swarm will mobilise to defend you, but the catch is that your server will have to help other members of the swarm too.

The defensive technique in question can be one of many:

1. Automated IP blocking/reporting with a blacklist in distributed form.
2. Other swarm members counterattack and cooperatively DDoS the offending addresses.
3. Flood the ISP with automated emails to force them to pay attention to the problem.

...or a combination of all of the above.

The only issue I can see with this is abuse potential. A clever person can trick the swarm into DDoSing innocents.

What tasks have you automated in your day to day life? And please explain how you did it?

When the domain you want to buy has been taken from a domain-dealer who takes ownership of unused domains. When that dealer sells it for more than 10.000€ but also would accept ... 70€?🤔 When you see that the offer decreases automatically a couple 100€ every once in a while. Let's see how cheap it can get ...

YouTube lyrics error
Fired up DOM tools and JS console.
Look at some of the codes.
Found out it is extension problem.
Contacted musixmatch
no answer except automated email that they are looking after it.

Then, realized just now. (Yeah, now.) that I don't need lyrics just to hear a song. Wasted 3 days and 14 hours until now. Shit.

Having to work for clients sucks. They are so rude. "We sent an issue over yesterday and it's still not fixed". You think you're our only customer? You think this shit is automated and takes no time to fix? You think you have resources working on you stuff 24/7. You don't man. Get in the queue and be grateful a load of time and effort goes in to your website. Sit down and stfu. Ahhh... that's better.

Hey guys,
Based on some recent posts about automating repetitive tasks, I was wondering, what are some tasks that you have automated?

In my case, I guess it's not really automating, but I made my work simpler by creating a bunch of bash alias that take care of frequently occurring bugs or small tasks like fetching all git repos in a directory.

Client calls with an issue(some automated process that's run perfectly fine for years, one error and it's the end of the world), and after 15 minutes of trying to explain to them what happened, they wanted to see the code the error originated from.. so I sent it to them. After a long pause, they agreed with my assessment. 🤣🤣🤣

Are you using an automated deployment solution for web development? If so, what would you recommend?

A bunch of people who know a bunch of frameworks but lack intrinsic understanding CS, therefore bringing the degeneration of overall quality.

This ultimately leads to:

1- shitty dev jobs (the future blue-collar job, always in risk to be automated)
OR
2- super high-end dev jobs (most likely AI engineering, devops, data science)

As generations pass, this shapes out a whole new world economy.

Worst: forced to work for 9 months on a shitty wp theme:
- colleague with no clue trying to make me do their work… check
- incompetent manager doing shit about it… check
- idiotic pipeline requiring to redeploy for every asset update… check
- micromanaging cto which for some fucking reason didn’t want to allow access to the writers, forcing the role of content editor on the devs… ducking check! Quack!!

Best: automated lots of processes in my free time, all stuff which I can reuse!

That whatever I do will get automated soon..

I see many people try to build automated insults using ML and reddit roast me, is it possible to build an automated compliment bot ?

PM: "We would like our automated testing / continuous integration in AWS"

Me: *Army crawling towards Jenkins with my last dying breath*

I'm setting up an project at work. Takes me until now 2 days and there are dozens of undocumented things I couldn't know.

It's an total brainfuck of product. Most of it could be automated and be less error prone.

How can people do that? Don't they hate to do it too? I cannot understand why they didn't change anything there for years.

Started working as a "working student" in an it company to write unit tests. (which then will be executed automatically - so automated unit tests)

Realised that I write more or less the same code just changing the names and some parameters (sometimes more if it's not an number but a bool for example but it's pretty much the same scheme)

So I bought a tool for 1$ to use "auto complete" on custom templates.(I type testgetbool and the tool replaces this to the test case only asking for the variable name.)

So now I'm writing automated automated tests 😁😅

(which is btw pretty boring but cost & time effective)

Google: "We're sorry... but your computer or network may be sending automated queries. To protect our users, we can't process your request right now."

Despite all of their efforts towards so-called artificial "intelligence" and "I am not a robot", they are still not even able to distinguish a script from human rage clicking?!

I will be so glad when Google and their services will be history. Like with Whatsapp and the other Silicon Valley crap, intelligent people are practically forced to use bullshit software just because it got so popular that "everybody else" is using it.

As I'm on a research/algorithm improvement project at work I'm working pretty much independently. As such I've set up an automated test framework and writing tests for any piece of code I touch.

Today as I was fixing a bug in production area I was demoing my tests to CTO and principal design engineer. They come from a hardware background and have pushed back against automated tests in the past but they were interested in what I was doing.

I WILL DRAG THEM KICKING AND FUCKING SCREAMING INTO THE WORLD OF AUTOMATED TESTS.

A formal systems modeler that iterates all provable theorems given the rules of the system and your premises. This would be completely and utterly useless since it doesn't aim to answer any specific question, just tries to answer every possible question. Since any meaningful formal system is pretty much guaranteed to have infinite provable theorems, this is really just a computerized automated fidget spinner

Counted it out... 100k LoC frontend & backend... Not a single automated test. No unit testing, no integration testing, nothing. I've been asked to implement a CI server.

Halp

What are your favorite emoticons for working on automated cloud deployments or new open source integrations?