A little ago, a devRant user drew something awesome (fantasy stylish) of another devRanter.

I said in the comments that I'd kill for a drawing of my own character!

A day later I got a mention. He'd drawn my character!

Thanks a lot @ichijou! I find it awesome, it's in a frame on my wall now :D

Management: "We have a Team Building session next week"
Colleague A: "Paintballing"
Colleague B: "Go-Karting"
On the day: "Welcome. Today we will be playing an IT Helpdesk Role Playing Game"

Kill me.

So there is this girl who was trying to be cute and wrote a mock C code for me :

She wrote :

If(existence=disapointment)
printf("kill self");
else
printf("what else??");

And without hesitating I told her that her code had a fault in it and it would always print "kill self" no matter what the level of disappointment is. And asked her to fix it.
The way she fixed it was probably best described as the situation when you have no idea what you are doing and you don't try to understand either. (or was simply passive aggressive) :

If(existence=disapointment)
printf("kill self");
else
printf("kill self");

Honestly though I hope she was being passive aggressive because boy do I pity people who confuse between '=' and '=='

My Linux machine completely froze up so I used another Linux machine to ssh into it and kill the misbehaving process.

Android studio gradle takes so much time to build. I decided to draw something to kill time whenever it build.
Day 3: Starlord is nearly complete.

Me at the office, Boss calling me by phone..

Boss: Hi, I need a new Build of XX Android app for another client.. set the base address at x.x.x.x and send me an APK file

Me: OK, I will do it.

Boss: can you do it in 5 minutes?

Me: Sure, it's simple..

Android Studio: You think it's simple !
* Indexing Files
* Sync Project
* Gradle Build
* Indexing....
* Some f* tasks

Oh kill me now !!

Kill him!!

Back in 2011 when I was 14, I created a cmd shortcut on all pc in my school's computer lab. Replaced the icon and renamed it to Internet Explorer. Deleted the original IE shortcut and a week later the lab got closed because they all the computers got infected with a "virus"

i know im lame kill me

Pro tip:

Although 'hmm either kill it or if that doesn't work, sacrifice some of its children' is a perfectly valid sentence in the sysadmin world, it's not in public.

😅

Sister comes into my room

"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"

Ask why

"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"

Top kek

Take a look

"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"

Weird. Enter bios

"Hard drive: [Not detected]"

Well, that's no bueno

Pop open back, hard drive is loose

Pfft, push that fucker back in

Boot -> works

"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter

Adobeflashplayerkilledmyharddrive.jpg

Shook.exe

I wonder if those people who give unwarranted useless advice to developers go to their doctors and do the same thing.

- Doc, just make a small slit, take out old heart, put in a new one, connect everything back as before and stitch it. Easy peasy. Shouldn't take more than a few minutes.
- my leg is fractured. Just open it and tape it back. It is a hack job, but it'll make the client happy for now. It will be quickly done.
- I think I have cancer. Just write a script to kill it. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Fuckers.

First it will kill your process. Then it will kill your family

So, I just got up, opened my sister's laptop to work (she gave it to me while I was in this small trip) and I see this. She was like "if you break it, I'm gonna kill you" and I said "oh no! What am I gonna do? Hammer it or something?" Fuck my luck, seriously

this one time my coworker was having a hard time debugging a javascript function so he set it to alert("kill me pls") and that somehow got into production.

we recieved many support emails from concerned customers that day

If Windows 10 auto changes my keyboard to US one more fucking time I'm going to move it off my PC on to an external HDD and fuck it in a fucking volcano before moving to Linux.

SORT YOUR SHIT OUT WINDOWS, I'M CLEARLY IN THE FUCKING UK.

/Rant

Today pranked my colleague changing some semicolons in his PHP Code to greek question marks.
It took him tears, sweat and a long time until I told him.
Now he wants to kill me.
XD

Customer sends an email complaining about his WordPress website getting a score of 2 out of 100 on Google PageSpeed Insights. I open their website, a video is being used as wallpaper. I open their PageSpeed Insights report, and it says reduce payload to less than 100MB.

Can I go kill myself now?

*offering sweets to a fellow at work

Colleague: Oh I'm a diabetic but What you've got here aaaaaa.....

My Brain:
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it

Me: Oh come-on already One small piece won't kill you

When the entire platform mysteriously goes down for a half hour at 11pm ON A SATURDAY AND YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WORKS ON IT GOOD GOD SERIOUSLY YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME I JUST WANT TO SLEEP

WHOEVER DID THIS I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU

God damn it udemy, you have courses on the fundamentals of ass wiping but I can't find a good quality c++ from scratch course

༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ Kill me

I would kill all these +1 guys, srsly. I subscribe these threads to know if it will be implemented.

You do not add any value to issue:
* devs are pissed off as this does not help solving problem
* others are pissed off

No one really cares about your likes, really.

1.5 hours of UI and performance enhancements for the UWP app on Windows Phone, and guess what greets me when I plug it in.
//kill me
//yes I restarted both

Got a call while on vacations, the main server is down.
*holy shit* I thought.
As I opened my MacBook, the phone kept ringing and slack was going crazy.

“What should I do? Where is the problem?”, the voices in my head said..

I opened the terminal and tried to get a ssh connection.
Sweat was dropping down from my forehead.

“Connected” the terminal said.

“Fuck yeah, the server is up, only the app is not responding”, I thought and opened the log files.

Suddenly, “STOP” I shout at the log files that were appended way too fast.

Then I saw it.
TimeOutExceptions..

I added an index to the modification date column,“ kill -9“ed the process, started again and went back to vacation mode 🙂

And of course I was the office hero for a while💪

For the smart asses, I’m aware that it’s a bad idea to -9 the app process in prod, but it was so overloaded that i was not able to kill it any other way. And we needed that server up again.

Proprietary video format. Native iOS app. Ok.

Using swift to decode and render. Ok.
Kills battery and is actually too slow on older devices. Ok..

Diving into armv7 neon assembly, it puts the "ok" in "pleasure".. Ok.....

Getting it to work. Fast frames. Yes. Ok!
Battery still stressed..ok.
Just need to get rid of the brown tint.. ok.

The tint became a brand mark. iPhone gone. Ok! Hours later, received email.

Vendor upgraded to serve h264 over http.
"Kill yourself with fire, ok?"

Epic team fail. I bought a mechanical keyboard, plugged it in typed one word and the team wanted to kill me.

I don't know much about keyboards, but turns out it had blue, very loud, very clicks switches.

Keyboard was unplugged, wrapped up and put back in the box ready to be returned.

WHAT THE FUCK
WHY DOES SHIT RENDER DIFFERENTLY ON CHROME AND SAFARI

I SPENT A LONG ASS TIME TRYING TO MAKE A SMALL DIV PERFECT BUT FUCK ME IT ONLY WORKS ON CHROME

AND THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS ON SAFARI IS SOME HACK

WTF KILL ME I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE

WTF - I discovered that wasps listen to me!

Earlier when one came in, I tried to catch it with a glass and release it, or kill it if that wasn't feasible. This year, I tried pointing to the window and ordering "get out!" just because I was too lazy to take action. Of course, I didn't expect it to work, but it did. I thought it was only a coincidence, so I kept trying it. It works every single time!

Crazy shit!

Any Wordpress site

1. Open source
2. Kill it with fire
3. Deep format the drive

You can kill me for this...
I've one old printer and and I wanted to print some pages. So I did following steps

1. Plugged printers power cable and turned it on.
2. Connected included cable to printer.
3. Opened PDF and tried to print
4. Did step 3 for fucking 20minutes

What went wrong?
I fucking forgot to connect USB cable to my fucking laptop. FML...

Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!

fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?

Managers: Well, fix it!

fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.

Managers: ...

fullStackClown: ...

Kill me. 🤡

When a A.I. is gonna take over my job, Im gonna build a robot to steal the job of the A.I. and then kill it.

Maybe the robot will kill all of humanity, but yolo let's try it. Wanna see a real life terminator 😂

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO READS THE CSS !important RULE AS ACTUALLY SAYING THAT SOMETHING IS _NOT_ IMPORTANT EVEN WHEN IT MEANS THAT IT _IS_?!!

Just kill me.

Windows Task Manager needs a 'Kill it with FIRE!' option.

Okay, just wrote a program with memory allocation inside an accidental infinite loop and by the time I was able to kill it, it had already claimed 86% of my memory. Scared the shit out of me because my OS was CRAWLING for a while

Five US quarters are about 1oz in weight and should hold down most keys on most keyboards.

I knew this because we had an error on a server with a pop up window that was only "ok". We couldn't kill the process because critical so we left a stack of change on enter until it it was done running and we could leave for the night.

Guy: - "Your restart script doesn't work."
Me: - "What do you mean?"
Guy: - "It does nothing."
Me: - "It should kill every processes that's running within the project and start them again. Wait... Why do you terminate it?"
Guy: - "I don't. It just stops."
Me: - "It says `Terminated` here. You killed it. Just let it do it's job, don't kill it."
Guy: - "I'm not killing it! It just stops!"

(...two hours later...)

Me: - "Wait... Where do you run it from?"
Guy: - "What do you mean? I just run the script you gave me."
Me: - "Yeah, but where do you run it from? Where did you put it?"
Guy: - "It's part of the project so I put it in the project, d'oh!"

Dad : My WhatsApp has an issue and you're a software engineer. Fix it
Me : Looks like a Android bug...can't do anything.
Dad : Come with me, this guy at the shop around the corner who does prepaid talk time recharge will fix it... learn from him
Me : facepalm , gotta kill that guy

Google can you fucking not just kill off random projects that still have a very active userbase!!!
I know you want to merge the play music streaming with youtube music. But that is no reason to kill off the default music player on Android. Cause, y'know, A FUCKTONNE OF PPL STILL USE OFFLINE MUSIC!!!!
And to add more insult to this, Play Music is a default app on pretty much all Android phones. This means it cannot be uninstalled at all. (Unless you root) So thanks for the waste of space!!!

Kill Java and stop teaching it

Me : Who wrote that monstrosity of code ? I’m going to kill someone!
Git blame !
Me : Oh never mind, it was me 4 yeas ago.

#programmingstuff

A parent may kill it's children if the task assigned to them is no longer needed.

*Don't apply it to real world.

Why are clients so ignorant and stupid?!

Send them the software with specific instructions WHERE to install it. Location is important as it is a plugin for AutoCAD.

First mail with complains about the plugin doesn't work. Find out (in the mail they sent internal) that they installed the plugin somewhere else than I instructed them.

Sent an email back with (again) an explanation why it doesn't work and where to install the plugin.

Email from client: So I put the plugin here [incomplete and invalid location] and create the last folder myself...

FOR FUCK SAKE SRUPID ASS IGNORANT DOWN SYNDROM (sorry folks) MOFO CLIENT!!!!
I SENT YOU UP TO 3 TIMES WHERE TO PUT THE GODDAMNED PLUGIN!

Some years ago I was in cyber security in the military being shown some new tech for our use. Was challenged to try and get past it after being explained it's basics. Took me one long line in Linux about 10 seconds.
Anomaly detection firewall with machine learning seemed like a good idea.
Setting it to aggressive response and then change the package header to the firewall's own address however made it kill itself.

We didn't deploy that firewall that I know of.

This code is so bad,
If it were a bridge it would kill hunderds of people.

If it were an electric grid it would, plunge thousands of households into darkness

It is so bad,
If it were an operationsystem it would be WINDOWS

LPT: If you use Linux, always carry another one in your pocket (flash drive) in case you'd need to fix your main one after you kill it again

Me: *kills process*
Linux: 3243 killed.
Me: "sudo netstat -ntlp | grep 3243"
Linux: 3243 running.
* hour later *
Me: *kills process with 3045974th method*
Linux: 3243 killed.
Me: "sudo netstat -ntlp | grep 3243"
Linux: 3243 running.
Me: "Are you absolutely FUCKING kidding me?! What is this fucking thing, the god damn grim reaper? I've done some SKETCHY fucking things at the terminal to kill this BASIC fucking server and it is still running!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
Manager: *peeks in helpfully* "Did you try the 'kill' command?"

I really hate fucking Wordpress!

I hate it's stupid API, with it's stupid hooks and actions and all those stupid functions and no fucking logic to any of it!

I hate it's stupid plugin system, with all that fucking overhead that brings no real value and adds all that complexity for nothing!

I hate stupid fucking multiple calls for the same fucking assets, loading them over and over again because every stupid plugin calls them again and again!

I hate motherfucking SHORTTAGS, or whatever the fuck they are called!

I hate that every stupid fucking plugin and shortcode and fucking every little fucking piece of HTML comes from a different fucking place, with different fucking structure and different fucking classes and stupid fucking loading seaquences that make no fucking sense!

And I hate fucking page builders !!!!!

Fuck!!!!

I should be fucking coding on this fucking peace of shit, but I just cannot fucking take it any more!!!

IT NEEDS TO FUCKING DIE!

It should be relegated to the darkest corners of the internet and all the servers that have it's fucking code anyware on their systems should be disconnected and buried in the deepest pits of hell, just to be sure it never, EVER, surfaces again!!!

AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!

I'm such a dumb fuck....
It took me fucking 30 mins to figure out that I use a function which relies on a copy of an object that's copied one line after the function call instead of before...

PLEASE KILL ME

Two weeks ago, I chose my modules for my Master in Data Science. This morning, I received an e-mail to tell me it was a bug, I was not accepted.
.
So what's now
.
I guess I will kill myself

I really, really need an office. Today I've been in a meeting for 2 hours with my mum hoovering in the background and my sister playing the entire fucking soundtrack to Chicago. FUCKING KILL ME!!!

Every time I fucking talk all you can hear is "'n' all that jazz" in the fucking background.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREEEEE D'X

Apparently color pair 0 is reserved in curses.

So modifying it will never work.

Even though that's not in the documentation.

I've wasted hours.

I finally changed the color pair to 1 and everything worked.

God.

Kill me now.

IT is so violent and disturbing when it comes to technical terms in relation to clusters:

- master / slave
- master / master / witness (crime scene?)
- splitbrain (how does that look in reality?)
- stonith (shoot the other node in the head)
- deadtime (no heartbeat)
- slicing (wtf?)
- shard (do they kill with that?)
- active / passive (sex scene?)
- single point of failure (at least they know who is to blame)
- share nothing / shared all (dictators vs communism)

😯

The codebase I'm working with hss rarely comments on it. But when there are comments written they are shit like:
//Kill Matt

//don't ask me where that hard-coded value came from, it just works

//we have to add the elements to the fucking list

Reeeeally helpful. Yep.

Well I will love it more if I can kill bugs like this

The guy that developed this template redefined every bootstrap class and now i have to maintain it... kill me please

GUYS I BUILT A FUCKING URL BAR AND IT EXISTS, IT'S ALIGNED, AND IT FUCKING WORKS

It doesn't have a very good check for what is a valid url tho, it is currently working checking for subreddits like /r/<whatever> and it checks if the link begins with http:// or https://. At some point in the near future I want to clean it up a bit, maybe write some regex (oh god kill me now) that'll actually check for a valid url

I am not a front end developer. Don't have the skill set, but I am learning. Work assigns me an "easy" task of modifying someone else's angular code(with all those <div> tags) to change some functionality. If it was well formatted, easy shit.

WHY THE FUCK DID THE PREVIOUS FUCKER INDENT LIKE THEY HATE ME? PARENT TAGS ARE FARTHER OUT THAN CHILDREN TAGS. SOME OF THE TAGS ARE 10 TABS FROM THE LEFT, WHILE THEIR CHILD IS ONLY 2. IN ADDITION, ALL THEIR CODE IS COPY PASTED FROM OTHER FILES, REFERENCES CONTROLLERS FROM OTHER PARTS OF THE CODE IT DOESNT NEED!

I am tempted to kill it with fire, find the person who wrote it(on a different continent), kill them, and then rewrite the whole thing in a language I am still learning. FUCK!

My last day before vacation, Friday after hours,
Me as a Junior dev, not that experienced with bash.
An unfortunately with root on a prod machine.
I wrote a script and wanted it to stop at a specific point, but couldn’t remember which of those cmd it was so I wrote all of them.
Quit
Close
Stop
Halt
Exit

Ran the script.
Wanted to kill myself.
I haven’t had the privs to turn on the VM again.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
🤦🏽‍♂️
I definitely learned a lot!

if (boolValue == true) ...
I know it works, but just kill me now.

Spent a month working on a website that relied on crawled data
Got the memory leaks and usage down from 700mb to ~150mb
CPU usage from ~100% to <5%
Shrink-wrapped the DB requirements based on data
Created self-supporting services and what not

When everything FINALLY worked good enough for me to look at it and go "damn, this actually worked"
the whole monitoring sys got dyed in red :v
A quick look up and my crawlers exhausted my godaddy's per-user db limits.

Kill me.
Just fuckin kill me.

!rant

Told a friend I was just killing time. He said "I feel sorry for time. People have been trying to kill it for years."

Oh the beauty of WYSIWYG etitors...

I don't know which one I'm more amazed of. All that beautiful styling for a simple line break or that incredibly accurate and absolute neccessary line-height value.

I guess it's time for a strip tag massacre.

Eclipse: Hey, I found a nice little update for you
Me: ok, install it
Eclipse: nope, I can't find it ...

AAAAAAAHHHH I'm gonna kill you !!!!!

Scientists have found that If you just kill the Chrome process, it can give you enough charge to fully charge your Mobile Phone.

"Can you please restart your computer?"

"uh... how do I do that?"

It's going to be a long day.

Was thinking of upgrading my HDD to SSD.

Decided to make a post on Reddit to seek advice. Bloody laptop froze.

Had to kill it and force restart it. Seems like my laptop can read the posts that I am making.

What luck!

Hotest bug: a server in Vietnam kept going offline then popping back a few seconds later. While logged on I couldn't find anything wrong, so eventually I decided to go check on it. It turns out the aircon in the server room situated right above the server has started leaking, so the ever-helpful ops people onsite has wrapped the whole rack in plastic, covering all vents. Surprisingly hard to kill, old HP servers...

I'M GONNA KILL THIS MAC

what the FUCK!!!???!!!??? IT WORKED YESTERDAY!!!!

Now the whole iOS build pipeline fails again complaining smth about distribution profiles. Then about certificates. And then it starts using a completely unrelated certificate and complaining that provisioning profile does not include it...

what the f...

IT FUCKING WORKED YESTERDAY!!!!!!

> worst coding procrastination story

worst and best at the same time:

If you wait long enough things might resolve themselves.

My team inherited an ancient site. Hosted on an old host that the org wanted to kill, using an old log service the org wanted to kill.

A ticket was written in 2021 to migrate that site's hosting and logging to the new services our org started using.

My team kept avoiding it since it was a cheap unimportant site.

in 2023 we were about to finally take action - then we hear "Turns out the new hosting platform and logging platform are way too expensive - I know all of you have migrated to these new services but you gotta revert and go back the old ones til we figure this out"

We didn't have to do squat.

Problem solved by procrastinating ✅

Love being contacted by a consultant.

At 7PM.

Via WhatsApp.

Becuase they recently "migrated to gmail" (wtf does that even mean?!?! it was their reason why I didnt get their email)

I fucking hate zoomers, please kill me, i have made a mistake working with these clowns

🤡

QA: When I start the onboarding process, kill the app and reopen it, I return to where I left off with no way to go back to the previous screen.

Me: Please click the back button in the top left corner

I just want a coffee machine that is smart enough to know when I need coffee and then serves it on my desk.

(Also this coffee machine should automatically kill all annoying client's)

Oh my fucking god people are stupid, or ignorant, or fucking both.

How hard is it to copy a password from an email and paste that fucker in and press login.
Seriously several times of “this is your email” and “THIS” is your god dam fucking password.
God kill me now.

(No the password isn’t stored in plaintext, I reset it myself before sending it to the user)

FUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Im trying to rebuild a project but the .exe is active and everytime I kill it a new one spawns......

So my only option left is to restart my laptop. The thing is I always hibernate and that has come to bite me in the ass..

*installing linux on my mini laptop*
- Dad: "you should make a backup image of windows 10"
- Me: "LOL NOPE!"

(With 2gb of ram, linux makes it the perfect lightweight coding machine. But with W10? Jesus christ)

!!psa

Terminator's broadcast feature was sending duplicate input to all non-focused terminals yesterday, and it was pissing me off.

After some digging and research, it turns out the ibus daemon was the cause. If you're having this happen, track ibus down and kill it.

I REALLY HATE IIS. IT IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING PLATFORM. FUCK. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY FUCKING ERROR LOGS YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING CRAP. FUCKING KILL ME YOU STUPID SERVER ASS BITCH CUNT

True story
Was free at work so applied for a stretch project.
PM: you know mobile dev?
Me: yes, built a few apps
PM: good, we have an old app we want you to take the JAR change everything but the look of it and make it a new hybrid app with the required features.
Me: *kill me please*
PM: and use WordPress as the server.
Me: ...........

Accepted the challenge. Did the entire app in ionic and build a server for it with SpringBoot. Client loves it PM is still doesn't know😂

Somebody please kill Pinterest!

Pinterest is a cancer that has turned searching by image into a pointless effort. If you search by image, you want to discover the image's original source. Instead you get 1000 Pinterest boards with the image in it.

The entire modern gaming ecosystem is a scam.

I added The Crew: Motorfest trial version to my library for free.

Click on Install and it downloads 43 GB of data.
Now it's time to launch.
Click on launch and Ubisoft Connect takes over and it starts downloading another 43 GB??????

WTF ??

If I can't even get the trial version of a game without nearly wanting to kill myself, how does the company expect me to pay full price for it?

Piracy FTW. Fuck all the companies.

I have code convention OCD.

My team really fucked up the code with their different indentation styles, and it really makes me want to kill them!! 😡😡😠

Security!

Offensive and defensive at both code and infrastructure levels.

So many times I see devs not give a flying pancake about security. Whether it be rolling integers for sql injection or permission guarding to prevent someone executing something they shouldn't.

Why is security in this industry always the last thing to be concerned about when it's the first thing that's going to kill your business.

😓

Me: hmmmm it's a pain in the ass building my program and having to rebuild it everytime I want to swap to my Chromebook (going from x86 to ARM64), I really wish they could develop an OS that is essentially a VM so you would compile once and have the OS' VM later do the heavy lifting

My brain: hey Alex, that sounds like a great idea, you deserve a coffee for that!

Me: yes I do... Wait... Coffee... Cup of jo... Java.... WAIT! This sounds like what Java was intended to be!!!!!

My brain: oh dear god... Time to fucking bury this thought to never be discussed again!!!!!

What's the lesson to learn here? If it looks like Java, sounds like Java and acts like Java, beat it over the head and bury it 6 feet down :-3

I'm working on a redesign of a website and their logo is so bad… (I made it years ago, but ssshhh)…
And they love it so much, so I can't even change it.

It's killing my creativity, because the only way you can put it seems to be at the top, inside a white header.

I hate its' designer so much… and it's me! Fuck myself.
I designed it thinking about a particular website look, so it was perfect back then, but now I have to do something "new", "different", but without changing the logo.

Any suggestion on where to put it, how, or how kill myself?

Very !dev

But Amy Winehouse was fucking crazy

Rappers these days OD on one drug.

Amy overdosed on all the drugs at once and most of the time, it didn't even kill her.

Partners off at TAFE and I've got 3 hours to kill before walking to work, maccas and writing it is then!

Wish I brought my Mac so I could work on my other projects but oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Is it just my random madness...

Or do you sometimes picture yourself in a fictional comic / movie / whateva...

Had this feeling today.

Burned a database down, grilled 2 terabyte of data, deleted ~ 500 elasticsearch indices.

Then I chopped an haproxy loadbalancer into 6 seperate machines, because noone likes to read ~ 2.5 to 3 k of lines.

And I guess now I'm doing some backups of elasticsearch before the second round of flamethrower madness starts.

It's somehow very satisfying to just destroy everything.

Webpack and Babel make me want to kill myself. Takes longer to set a project up than it does to write the damn thing.

Working on an AI that learns to generate quatrains, by only feeding it every letter of the alphabet at the beginning.

It's learning super slowly, but theoretically it works. And with slowly I mean it takes 5000 iterations just to realize the optimal letter frequency to generate a word that is real.

Please just kill me.

It really sucks being the senior guy sometimes because it means there's nobody above you that you can bounce questions off of. No mentor. Just random people on the internet (and stack overflow, eww.)

The rubber ducky on my monitor can only go so far.

It's a constant worry of "am I writing garbage?" and "is there a better way to do this?"

I'd kill for a QA group that I could actually send some of my stuff to and get feedback.

When you accidentally click on Android Studio while working on something else....leading to 30 seconds of frantically going through task manager and command prompt to kill it before it claims every resource your computer has.

I feel like thinking you clicked on AS is the real life dev equivalent of a falling dream....

So today at the beginning of the class, our teacher asked us to write a function that translates a given string to "leet speak" (basically having to replace every character to another).

Some used python dictionnaries, some used arrays...

And the two people arround me wrote a program with a condition for EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER.

It kind of made me wanna die or kill them 😥

Opening the bag...

Stuck my nose in it. Deeeeeeep breath.

Better than sex.

Taking the scale, getting the right amount.

Feeding the grinder, thinking about whom to kill... Watching get them torn to pieces, shredded bit by bit.

Preheating the iron, getting the water up to temperature.

Filling up the espresso can, turning it on.

Boiling fresh espresso.

Nothing's sexier than the sound of the steam and the smell of fresh grinded and brewed espresso.

Good Sunday.

"No i mean the bot goes offline like whatever is hosting it goes offline and then the bot literally doesnt respond to commands"

- One guy trying to prove how "unreliable" a bot is.
Kill me.

Fucking kill me. I've just agreed to make a shitty fucking app that would be better as a Webpage, using shitty fucking technologies I don't understand, to do a thing that would be better handled by a third party.
You know why? The guy who asked me to do it is a good friend, and I'm the "best (only) code monkey" he knows. FUCK MY LIFE.

At least I'm getting payed

That feeling when your housemate restarts the WiFi router without telling anyone while you were doing some remote work.....

Would it kill you to at least notify us? I would really love to see what happens if my other housemate was on a ranked CSGO match or something...

Firebase... the kind of hosting you seem to be friends with, but if you're honest, you would really like to kill it by sticking a flamethrower in its ass, happily pulling the trigger, while singing "Oh happy day" in full vocals.
The people who wrote the whole thing must have smoked crystal meth through a hobo's raped intestine to come up with such a turd fest. WTF.
If it wasn't for my boss, I'd have ran far away to nerver hear of this tripper infested crap again!

Hey, senior developers, is there a reason for this?
I just can't believe it.
The line that makes me wanna kill is the
$("#" + id).val(val);

Taken from a very profesional site.

FUCKING FUCK ANGULAR!!!!
LIKE FUCK IT IN THE ARSE AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKER WHILE LAUNCHING A MISSILE ON IT TO BE SURE!

(ﾉ≧∇≦)ﾉ ﾐ ┸━┸

So I am making something on angular and I got everything running in ng serve(development environment) , after handling all issues and showing it to my boss man he approves and asked to put it up on prod for a demo , doesn’t sound like an issue , I make the prod build on cli and BAM! 16 errors ? No issues right?, I’ll just google the issue. Googles.... there aren’t no clear solutions to it as the angular version keeps changing and nobody knows what broke it, I mean people have the issue,but like 100 reasons that can cause it,
HOLY LORD RELEASE A NEWER VERSION AFTER MENDING THE OLD ONE
But nooooooo!

Angular Dev:We fucked this one, lol what should we do boss man?
Angular boss man: lol just leave it, we need to build the new version with newer bugs,

P.S. I like angular, but it’s like a underdeveloped framework, too many issues and too many changes

Could not fucking sleep at all.

Spent the entire night in a combination of:

Weight lifting
Playing with NestJS(its fucking beautiful)
Watching seven deadly sins on Netflix(current fav anime)

And i am still not tired. Even then I am not in the mood for going to work.
Not sure if I want to risk it and drive there since I know I will be crashing at around noon.

I hate it when this happens.

During the week I would do crazy shit to try and get me to fall asleep.

I would wake up early. Work out, go to work, get back from work, kill myself at the gym and nope.

Still wide fucking awake.

To make it better, my stomach begins to act up and fucking kill me the more I don't sleep for some reason(although it could be related to me piercing my stomach years ago)

I really dislike being human. Such fragile bodies.

But yeah, NestJS is frickin amazing. Typescript is sexy as all hell with it. Just what i was looking for in terms of out of the box architecture for JS apps

I'm pissed off as fuck. By far these were the worst fucking 2 weeks in a very long time.

My grandma died. At work I had to do shitty tasks and IT support for stupid end users, like an overpayed PC technician. I couldn't find any time to write a single line of code on any of my personal projects.

And I still can't find a fucking developer job. I feel like I'm stuck in this IT hell forever.

Kill me

Damn, gitea is such a great piece of software, but yet it lacks so much of gitlab, which given are completely different sizes and all, but damn I would kill for the repos import feature of gitlab to be in gitea and maybe even automatic pipelines to fetch a remote automatically..

I could most likely hack together a solution that does the import and remote fetching automatically, but I doubt it would hold against any sort of update and be absolutely brutally murdered by any change.

How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it.

In horror movies. Characters do things that they them-self know it could kill them. Like getting in basement.

As a developer we all know to never deploy code on Friday. Here we are taking the wrong turn.

Hah, a SaaS platform approached me about my open source project. They said, "let's collaborate". After getting into it they said, would you mind replacing xyz in your library with our platform?

Me: Replacing?

I won't go through the rest of the convo since it reveals too much. But damn nice way to stamp out competition. Just kill all the open source frameworks that provide alternatives to your product.

Keeping myself from getting bored af at work. I am a backend engineer doing mostly frontend. And right now it ain't even the interesting stuff. I am merely passing photoshop files to static displays.

Kill me. Every once in a while I do maintenance on Java and PHP apps, but still...bored.....more Rails or Django please

*has a test in school on html and javascript*
*Studies a lot and checks to see if code works*
*it works*
*goes into test confident*
*None of the Javascript works* (legit nothing)
Kill me

"Millions of slaves"
"When you kill it, you kill everything."

-- Guy at work doing presentation about docker

The computer lags, windows 8 lags, vagrant lags, chrome lags, phpstorm lags, EVERY-FUCKING-THINGS LAGS.

Whatsapp on windows phonewill be shutdown in december.
Slowly more and more apps will be off.

Windows phone has a beautiful OS why did you kill it Microsoft!!!!
Why why why.

IT Dept creates an update installer with a Message of "Your computer will restart now to install updates" with only an OK button when your in the middle of work with multiple apps and windows open...

1. Kill Process
2. Resume Work

PBF: This program is so difficult

Me: what's difficult about it?

PBF: *explains*

PBF: *may as well be speaking greek*

Me: Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll kill it. I believe in you ❤

PBF: -_-

Me: (^^,)

There once was a beautiful initiative to put ballistic missile launch codes into a small capsule and hide it near some person’s heart.

This person would give consent to become the president’s personal assistant and will be paid indefinitely just to be around president all the time.

This way, if the president wants to launch missiles, they first needs to kill one person with their own hands before killing millions.

*trying to install arch linux for the first time*
> reboot
> system goes into a boot loop
> cant get into BIOS
> taking pc apart rn

Kill who ever let's a robot program anything. Because what ever boundaries you place on it does not stop it from recreating it's self without them.

Who ever makes an AI that can program is putting humanity on the thin edge between utopia and dystopia

I want to kill the guy who wrote this. He creates a temp table, selects data into it. Then selects the data out of it and returns the results. It does Nothing Else. WTF.

What's a database? Oh, uh... Think, like, a spreadsheet -- but it makes you wanna kill yourself even harder.

I really really really need more RAM. 16GB is far from enough. Had to witness the kernel kill all of my Chrome extensions and most of my tabs and an IDE and still it wasn't able to run that container in the 8G RAM it just freed up...

I remember the days when 8G RAM was an overkill.

The times have changed. Now I'm looking into getting a Linux lappy w/ 96GB and still worried whether it'll suffice my needs....

u+200b.
Who made that shit? and whhhyyyyy?
I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out why the code file, a mac using co-worker sent me, does not compile.
Intlij did not help, np++ did not help, textmate did not help!

Only hex editing the file worked!

kill it with fire!

I am as sure as I am of anything that the software I am working in is sentient and pulling the long con on me to kill me over the course of my career via stress. Joke's on it though. With the amount of drinking I do to cope with the stress I will die of alcoholism way before I die of stress. Take that. Victory is mine.

How awesome would it be to be able to migrate to a cattle-approach from a pets-approach when it comes to the human body, just kill your old body and start using a new one

Sickness? Create a new instance of your base image. Death? Just spin up a new instance and you're ready to move on. Broken arm? Kill body and get a new one.

Ofcourse, since we're stateful this method is kinda harder, unless you consider your conciousness an external database/soul

What is fucking wrong with Windows? When shit doesn't respond it's impossible to kill it and it freezes other processes. NEVER happens in Linux, all I do is kill the PID. When you can't open task manager or "end the process" you are shit out of luck. You'd think they'd fix this in the decades they've had to built a computing platform. I'd use linux exclusively but some work and tools at my company necessitates windows.

A day after a big release of project when I'm back to work

What a horrible monday today was. Fuck-all worked. Missed deadline. Not much sleep. Heart is racing.

But hey, the horoscope in the daily toiletpaper press knows it all better, as usual, 100% IQ:

💫"You have finally found your center. Your body and soul are feeling great and your're in tune with yourself. You are enjoying it and would love to share your experiences with your loved one."💫

Where is my rocket launcher??? I have to kill a newspaper.

We've all seen bad code in our time. The code I'm currently looking at needs to die horribly in a fire. In fact, that doesn't even seem extreme enough for this monstrosity

Sorry guys but I have to vent!

I made such a stupid mistake I want to kill myself right now. In short you can call it ignorance..........

I spent so many hours trying to find a solution to a problem of invalid signatures being reported by an OAuth provider I'm making, just to find that Chrome was blocking requests to http.

So it was not a problem, to begin with. Aaaaarrh........ I'm so mad at myself.

The best kinds of comments:

/**
Gets user CC info datas.
*/
public Object getUserCCInfoDatas() {}

If you really want to outdo yourself:

/**
Gets user CC info datas.
@param someshit Outdated docs ftw
*/
public Object getUserCCInfoDatas(String unrelatedToDocAbove) {}

Honestly, no documentation is better in some cases. At least I can't be angry about their shitty quality... And they don't waste my time.

Et tu Chrome?

Closing a tab should kill it.

I writes code, my code somehow causes an endless loop, tab gets at 25% i7 CPU.

I tells Chrome: "end it", Chrome won't close.

I wants to see under the hood to diagnose, Chrome unresponsive, forget about DevTools.

I Ctrl + Alt + Dels it

Sad Windows user

I have more side projects than I'll ever be able to finish. When I do finish them (or at least get a mvp), I have no idea how to market them, and in many ways, I don't even want to. I'm worried that it will kill the fun of it for me.

has it ever happens to you that for whole day you kill yourself to solve error and next day you find out it was just happening because of a single semicolon

it hurts...

So, let me preface this by saying I come from a backend (mostly c#) background.

The way React handles objects changing in state is horrendous. And if you decide to try using hooks, God help you.

I honestly don't know if it's Blazor or something else that will kill js, but something absolutely needs to. It is a dumb, terrible language. It has to go.

All that said, of course I'll go back to work on it tomorrow.

Sorry, js/react guys/gals. Just venting. I'm sure once I 'get it', it will make sense.

We have a customer that doesn't have a SINGLE linux admin. So now I have to fight with Docker EE on Windows Server 2019 (linux containers). Just fucking kill me already. Nothing works and when it does it just seems so shaky. Not like I didn't try to tell my team that linux containers on Docker EE for windows aren't officially supported and highly experimental.

But wtf do I expect from someone that STILL sells SAP and from someone that is stupid enough to buy it.

Come on devRant! I’m getting really annoyed when clicking on rant that has [read more] at the end since it is a gamble to kill this iOS app you have made. Every ~5th click I get app terminated. Then after I reenter the app, I lost where I was. Thats why I ++ all the rants I have read, even those who don’t deserve it :), so I can scroll quickly and see which are not ++’ed.

Just wondering... anyone else think having a script automatically kill gradle if it runs for more than X amount of minutes would be a great sanity saver?

"Jesus Fucking Zombie Christ I only added ONE FUCKING TEXTVIEW IN A SIMPLE GODDAMNED LINEAR LAYOUT YOU WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AND GRADLE IS STILL RUNNING AFTER FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!"

So I have a date tomorrow. First meeting in person. I’ve got a little time to kill before hand, and need to learn Dart anyway....so I thought it would be fun to code her up something interactive. Kinda like that game Mr and Mrs. Only in the terminal, and for nerds.

Features, ladies and gentleman?

When your colleague doesn't add a dependency to package.json and the distribution stops working.
Am I the only one who has got such idiot colleagues? It blows my head every fucking time , I wish I could kill people.

IBM WebSphere Integration Developer. Kill it. Kill it with fire.

"If you see a snake, just kill it. Don’t appoint a committee on snakes." - H. Ross Perot

mini rant

So I finally started toying around C#.

As much as I tried to avoid it, as much as I wanted, well, sometimes there is need. I was laying it off and laying it off...

There are some things that well.. aren't my taste but whatever.

But come on why the fuck I cannot delete explicitly?

What do you mean "just assign it to null and GC will eventually kill off that instance"

No, I want that fucker to die here and right now. Like in good ol' C++.

You know a server is having a jolly'ol time when, while logging through the serial console, it lags... Then, a few seconds later, you get a message

[time.seconds] Out of memory: Kill process PID (login) score 0 or sacrifice child
[time.seconds] Killed process PID (login) total-vm:65400kB, anon-rss:488kB, file-rss:0kB

10/10, only way to bring the server back to life was by a hard-reset :|

I swear on the Almighty nature, I fucking hate Browser compatibility.

Passing php data via JSON encode. Works superfine on Firefox and Android mobile browser doesn't on Chrome. Fucking shit. Been sitting for 13 hours and gave up. FFuuuuuuck !!!!

Form submission via ajax and it again works on Firefox but doesn't on Chrome. I just can't understand, my mind is fucked by all the angels in heaven. Data gets submitted, the form is reset but the function called to refresh the JSON data doesn't work.

Someone please kill me or I swear I will fucking kill everybody.

"Our supplier asks that you double the number of php child processes for this fpm pool"

"Are you aware, that that would lead to about 100% of memory overcommit, taken the current limit of 128MB/child, and that if a lot of them started at once, the system would probably go for OOM-Kill, which would most probably kill your database, that still runs on 100% MyISAM tables that do not support transactions, and you'd have to kiss your data integrity goodbye, right?"

"Uh... Nevermind then"

I get that some people are not IT-versed, but really... Hire someone who knows what they are doing and doesn't live 20 years in the past, god damn it!

(another) Russian roulette for devs

$jobs -l
[1]+ 642 python .....etc

$sudo kill -9 642

.... other commands here

arrow up...arrow up... (looking for jobs -l)... got it.
arrow up...

$kill -9 642
F*uck! (i remember that i have not changed the pid)
kill: no such process (luckly no damages)

anyone killed something relevant making this mistake?

StackOverflow Jobs was the best platform for finding and posting jobs: quality candidates, quality job postings.

I hope that whoever decided to kill it got a huge pay from LinkedIn/Indeed.

But it's loss would be felt for years to come.

And, who have any suggestions similar to StackOverflow Jobs?

I hate it when we are discussing a feature and they ask me "what do you think?" after they said how would they go about it and i mention that i would do it differently and think that my way may be longer now but can pay off in the long run and they decline it.

What i hate even more is that after some period they revesit their decision again and come to conclusion that my way is better and now we (i) need to rewrite it but without acknowledging that i said it then and was the best solution.

AMMA KILL SOMEBODY IN THIS BISH RIGHT TF NOW!!

being a dumbass and ran a blocking call then it broke and i can't kill it with ^C :/
killed it later with htop lol im so fucking dumb

also hi first post here

How to kill Jira Backlog in one simple step:
1) put '-∞' to Storypoints
2) enjoy

(Bottom line: it can be fixed from User Story Map to something normal)

A python dev opens a C editor, yells it says "int", kill it till you still can.

I don’t understand how Microsoft can continue to ship functionality in modern versions of SharePoint that only work on IE11 (open in Explorer, open in InfoPath, Skype presence integration). The only reason my company has to make web apps compatible with that browser is because of the hot garbage that is IE11. Just kill the functionality and kill the browser. Please.

Yes I know *why* they only work in IE11, it’s because activex is a massive security hole, but just kill the functionality if you can’t recreate it in modern browsers.

I love it when docker just decides to kill my containers 🤪🤪🤪

WHAT THE FUCK

MY MAC CRASHED TWICE WHILE I WAS SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER ON STACK OVERFLOW

I HATE WHEN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOME BULLSHIT CROSS BROWSER ISSUE AND I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANY WORSE

WELL SAFARI FUCKING PROVED ME WRONG (AGAIN)

GOD I CAN KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW

VirtualBox is fucking evil
It wants the humanity to disappear due to self doubt, random errors and depression

AAARRRGGGHHH

KILL VBox BEFORE IT KILLS ALL

Spent 5 hours adding a library to js AND IT STILL DOESN'T WORK

help/kill me pls

It's truly wondrous how far R can propagate shit until it finally gives up.

Looking at the call stack it's been processing increasingly demented bollocks for nine function calls.

Even then it refused to give in. It now appears to be processing an infinite sequence.

I should kill it, but I feel inspired by its tenacity. "This must be crap, but I'll have a go anyway."

Beautiful. A lesson for us all in that.

I fucking hate this industry it makes me want to kill myself

1. Kill Internet Explorer
2. Kill anyone who sell their web/app/design services cheaply that broke the market value
3. Kill anyone who want something in exchange of "exposure" or "you'll get the money when we get funding or IPO" or some shit like that, you name it.

How our MIS/IT department handles problems...

Once upon a time a long time ago, a C level suit opened ransomware from an email with a link in it via Dropbox.

Two years in, even the marketing department, who are all using iMacs for digital media creation, inbound marketing, and website development, and alsohave more common sense than the lowly Excel minions, are still blocked from using Dropbox.

Thank god for Socks5 Proxying and an SSH tunnel to our web server. ;) I can has all the things.

Scenario after sending a build to QA:
(Monday)
Me: How's the build? did that app worked?
.
.
.
.
.
(here come's friday)
QA: The app didnt work on this part and there some bugs there, and please add this another module.
Me: okay ill fix that..when do you need it?
QA: today
Me: (just kill me)

Aye, I almost fight with everybody at work(they always think it is funny). I'm not good at listening to others when it comes to dev convo (like related to coding or some logic stuff).

So it is like someone is explaining to me that this should be like this and in between, I ask 100questions like "why like this? why not like this?","but what if I just skip it?" etc

and they always go like, "Someone is going to kill you so badly".

That's it.

The person who invented powerpoint and those who use it/love it should be skinned alive.

FUCKING SHIT OF A PRODUCT.

On the other side, instead of torturing someone to death, force them to use Power point for 2 hours a day and that will be enough for the person to beg you to kill them.

Join me in this journey against power point.

Fucking hate people who can't appreciate what you've worked on. And just find the fuckin faults in your task. Would it kill them to just shut the fuck up and not start the conversation with ooohh I've found a bug, just fuckin try to make something first of your own and then be an asshole to others.🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

ah yes, the usual family get-together: my grandma's throwing heavy shit with intent to kill, my sister is violently crying in a corner and refuses to move to safety, and my dad's shut down in a chair somewhere in the house. Just like every Christmas. And Thanksgiving. And Halloween. And every other large holiday.

Surprised I made it to 19.

All these companies not going the full 100% remote and requiring one day in the office, would it kill them to do 100% remote? My current role is fully remote and were spread through many timezones and still manage to work well, why don't companies see this and give an option atleast to be fully remote for developers?

Is it a crime if I kill Xcode?

It's like I know staying up all night is gonna kill me the next day, and I do it anyways... and now it's the next day. Fml 😫

another true story time:
be me
read about banned pokemon episodes on wikipedia
electric soldier porygon: an episode that red blue flashes caused 685 viewers taken to hospitals by ambulances
😈lets try it
write a simple program that makes same light effects
try it on myself
no kill
try it on roommates
no kill
try to send it as many people i can reach
omg people why don't you die?
gave up after 1 week of unsuccessful attempts

Kill() in VB.NET, because if you don't need a file or a process, just kill it. :)

Apple just changed their file system to apfs across the board, but no recent documentation on the release. It automaticalky changes from hfs+ when you install the macos 10.12.4 update. In early docs it says that time machine is not supported, but surely they cant kill everyones short term backups?

Spent the last 2 and a half days working on sth, it turned out great. Was pointed out a major mistake in the structure, have to redo about 95%. Kill me now.

Trying to code a Chrome extension with Native messaging so that it can communicate with my python script. Just kill me.

Can't even get the example from Google to install correctly.

FML

i dont know sql, gotta look shit up and dont much of it really internalized

i may be now being assigned somebody else's task to do some sql shit

fucking kill me

"Configuring incomplete, errors occurred!" Ok, I get that. But would it kill you to tell me what errors? If you behave like an asshole, I'll hate you as well!

I think the worst feeling ever is taking a break from something, then coming back to it and realizing that you have to rewrite something because you put it off before you took a break.

I've had a lot going on lately, and I decided to work on a web dev project I was doing to get the hang of frontend development. Just realized that I have to rewrite a couple functions. Someone kill me now

Hey google, stop automatically opening apps after they are updated on my android. It makes me want to kill somebody 😡