ERRORs are red,
INFOs are blue.
My logs look pretty,
But not as pretty as-
Wait, hold on. Why are there ERRORs in here?
Why is the homepage returning a 5- oh crap.
Can you just... Can you give me a minute?

Being honest in an interview:

- Can you work under pressure?
- I can, but I'd rather not.

Mom : My washing machine is not working.
Please fix it.
Me : I am a computer engineer.
Mom : You are an engineer though.
Me : That's not how it works.
.
.
.
2 hours and many YouTube tutorials later
Me : It's done.
Mom : Didn't I tell you you can do it.

PM: Can you finish this in four weeks?
Dev: yeah sure, I can finish that in four weeks
Narrator: the dev could not finish it in four weeks

NSA: Hey, its looks like you a bit lonely
Me: Yeah sort of

CIA: (Retrieves list of facebook friends), why not hook up with these people
Me: Not interested

FBI: The girl across your room seems to be interested in you
Me: Nah not interested

CIA: We can send someone to keep you company if you want
Me: thanks, not interested

NSA: A girl winked at you at the cafe yesterday
Me: Didn't notice

CIA: What of the lady you spoke to on the phone earlier
Me: Too old

FBI: Can you please move your webcam to the left a little
Me: Bruuuuuhhhhhh!!!

Can I have a job?

Do you have experience with PHP?

Not really.

You're hired!

Not a coding test, but:

Them: So you are interviewing for a programmer opening. Do you like programming?

Me: yes.

Them: do you make logos?

Me: ...I can...?

Them: good because you won't always be writing code here.

Me: I'm out.

Person: HTML is a programming language
Me: No it's not
Person: Yes it is it can compute things
Me: No it can't, and what do you mean?
Person: Have you ever heard of a script tag
Me: That's not fucking HTML that's JavaScript.

"Jim, can you tell me why my e-mails aren't getting to clients?"

They're being marked as spam...

"oh damn, how can we fix that?"

You can't. You can change the structure of your e-mails to look less spammy, but it's on their end.

"This is a disaster, we can't have our marketing e-mails marked SPAM!!"

Have you tried not spamming people?

"WE'RE NOT SPAMMING PEOPLE, THEY EXPRESSED A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS INTEREST"

No, you bought a mailing list and put together an e-mail campaign.

"But we aren't spamming people!"

IT VS Marketing 100% of the time

They asked for a web developer
Interviewer : can you fix this printer ?
Me: no
Interviewer : You're not for this job
Me: thanks God I'm not for that job

Stolen from an awesome book but my new favourite line ;)

Someone: “Can you repair my computer， it`s not working anymore?”

Me: “Do you call Leonardo Dicaprio when your Tv is broken?”

- What is exactly your job
-- I am a developer
- So, what does it mean exactly?
-- I create software, applications like those you use on your phone and PC
- So you can create phones and PCs?
-- No it is not that :|
- Can you fix my Laptop?
-- here we go

No, I'm not hacking.
No Linux is not a movie.
No, you are not a developer because you can put "Hello World" on a website.
No, this isn't a waste of my time.
Yes, I will use it.
Yes, I'll make you a website for free. NOT!
Your phone is both Android and Samsung.
No, what they did in the movie is impossible.
No, I can't predict the stock market.
No, I'm not Mr. Robot, but I know him...

Trying to teach coding to a kid:
Kid: Can you teach me XCode?
Me: No but I can teach you Swift or Objective-C
Kid: But I want to learn to code in XCode
Me: Yes you will code in XCode but I will teach you swift
Kid: My dad said that you actually know how to code but apparently not.

Client: The media player is not loud enough... can you pump up the volume a little bit?
Me: Ok.

Interviewer: Do you know about SQL injection?

Student: Yessss

Interviewer: Okay, how we can prevent it?

Student: Yes, we should prevent it as prevention is always better than cure. It can lead to data loss and other problems so it can be difficult to fix it if it happens. The best case is that nothing like that takes place. [...]

Interviewer: I get it but how?

Student: By not building any web applications.

[Silence]

Interviewer: Nice, you may go. Do not call us. We will call you.

— Hi, lost and found office?
— Yes, can I help you?
— You found two hours of my life?
— It does not compile, right?
— Nope :/

Dude: Come on man, Google and/or Facebook are not actively listening to us, I mean, we're not terrorists.
Me: Ok, Google
Google Asistant: How can I help you?
Dude: ._.

"Hey, can you help me with our Algorithms & Data Structures task? I tried to tranlate my problem with Google translator but I can not select the option to translate into Java."

I was speechless when a girl actually asked me that

To those who say game is not an art, we paint worlds with ones and zeros in real time that you can get lost in for hours. If this is not art, nothing is.

Conversation in (not so far) future:

Me: Sorry boss, I can't get to work this morning. My car is updating. Automatically.
Boss: Oh you have that Windows 10 car, you can work from home today.
Me: Boss, but my computer...
Boss: Oh, okay it can wait till tomorrow.

Dear sir,

I'm NOT giving you the information you want because I can't verify you. You can tell me that we're the only company who does it like this and name all companies which do it differently, you can curse me into the ground or completely lose your shit at me but that won't make a difference:
I'm not giving you the information you want.

Sincerely,

Go fuck yourself.

Client: Sorry to bother you, but our developer team can not connect to your Web Service, can you help us?

Me: Of course, if you want, i can give you the code for that, i only need to know in what language are they developing.

Client: Sometimes they develop in spanish and sometimes on english...

Maybe i didn't ask the right question.

Sorry for my English.

The best part of being a dev?

You can be a nerd, you can dress lousy, you got all those fancy tech you can work with, it's diverse, it's fun. And on top of that, it's not even remotely hard to find a job and get payed well.

Client: "I need you to implement a feature which does x"
Me: "We can it do like this, I can do it in Y hours."
Client: "Perfect do it"

Me: "Here you go have a look and if you give your ok I'll implement it on production."
Client:"That is not what I need. I need Z"
Me: "Well then you should have said Z and not x. But I can do Z if you want me to."
Client:"Do it it is urgent!!!!111"

Me: "All done here you go."
Client: "That works like what I said what I need, but I meant more like xZ."
Me: "Ok, you know I have to charge you for all this, do you?"
Client: "What why? It isn't the feature I wanted!!11 Do it right and I'll pay you for the right one!"

Me: "It might not be what you wanted but it is exactly what you specified to me. I'll send you the bill and will not continue working for you. Good luck finding someone who is willing to do unpaid work for you."

I am so done with that kind of client.

Interviewer: How will you solve the travelling salesman problem?

Me: *explains the solution on whiteboard*

Interviewer: It is slow. Can you do it in linear time at least?

Me: It is NP hard so it is not possible. For a restricted case, it may be possible

Interviewer: You are stupid. Do not apply again.

Sister: (she must migrated from iOS to android) you can download these apps and then you can change like colors and themes and everything 😍😱😵
Me: Yeah off course you can...?
Sister: Oh not, oh no, you're not going to tell me you've been able to do this for years?!?
Me: Uhm... Yes...?
Sister: 😵😭😱😭

Not an apple hate rant, just found the convo funny!

Germany

It's:
"oh cool. you must have good job perspectives."

Or:
"you just use a computer. that's not real work. do a job where you use your muscles. lazy student."

And the best:
"Can you gift me with computer parts for free" or "can you copy program XY for me? It cost to much."

That one device, whom you can (not) ask for anything ;)

HR: Hi we got your application. We'd like to schedule a call. Can you fill this out to pick a time?

Me: Sure, sorry first I'd like to ask a question. You are based on the other side of the country and i'm not able to relocate. Are you open to remote workers? Your job spec didn't mention either way.

HR: GREAT question! At this moment no we are not. We need people here on site. If you'd like, we can have a call to discuss if you fill out the form.

Me: ..... take time out of my day so you can tell me "No" again? ..... i'm alright thanks

parents every day: "how can you drink that much coffee and not die??"

Designer: Can you hide scrollbar and still make web scrollable?
I: Sure.
Designer: Ok fine, i'll do that in next design.
I: Wait, how users will know the web has more content?
Designer: I'll put the mouse icon on the bottom.
I: It is not good idea. People can overlook it.
Designer: It will be fine.
I: I strongly recommend to you not to do it.
Designer: Why?
I: Confusion besides other reasons.
Designer: If you can do it, do it.
I: Ok than.

$request->getIP() == 'his_ip' ? 'hide-scrollbar';

- Google: Can I track you? You'd get this and that and much more if you allow me to.
- Microsoft: I will track you. Disable half of my settings if you do not want to be tracked.
- FB: I do NOT track you

Dev manager: Can you fix this issue?

Me: Yeah, but i cant reproduce it using the explanation given in the ticket. Can i get a step by step guide and a confirmation that the issue is reproducible.

Dev manager: you're the lead dev, you figure it out.

askdjasfkjksadjkasd!!
Do you want me to spend an hour not developing things trying to guess? because that is how you make me spend an hour not developing things

Best part of being a dev ?
You don't need college degree.
You will never get bored even if you are alone.
You can learn everything yourself, online.
Last but not the least, Being the dev is awesome in itself. :)

"I can not install the apk file you have sent me on my phone,can I install the ios version instead?!"

Yes I'm a developer who is programming in public, no that does not mean you can keep learning over and looking at my fucking screen

"Do you easily get offended?"

"We have a bro culture here. [Some other stuff and examples] So do you think you can fit in here?"

"Tell us about a time you had to communicate with people who are not as technically capable as you."

I can remember more but cba tbh.

Me: Hey can I take a byte

Friend: Sure, here

*Gives toast*

*bites 8 pieces*

Friend: Dude I said 1 not eight!

Me: You said I can take a byte :(

Based off my imagination

Aren't lambda expressions just the most frustrating thing sometimes? But how can you not love them when they get the job done in one-liners? 😍

‪University is great.‬

‪You can go to a lecture and not pay attention at all but still be proud because hey, at least you went.‬

This whole Linux vs Windows thing is just getting tiring. It's like sleeping with men vs women. You can choose men, you can choose women, or you can choose both. It's a choice you should be making, not someone else.

Not sure if you can do it with git

Me to my family :
Family: so this printer not working
Me: have you installed its software
Family: no, can you do it?
Me: i could travel 1 hour or you can just google and download it, its really quite simp--
Family: yeah this is to complicated for me il need you to come over

What's the worst thing you can say to a programmer parent?

"You've not raised kids.. you've raised exceptions"

GF's brother, Connel (a seaman), knows I work in IT

Connel: you hack computers, right?
Me: not really. I'm more of a developer for businesses
Connel: can you hack banks like [insert name of local bank]? We can hack other people's passwords and make tons of money *laughs hysterically*
Me: (a bit awkward) probably. it depends
Connel: but you can really do it, right?
Me: uhm, maybe. It depends
Connel: but you can do it if you choose to, right?

*this went over for next 5 mins*

Client : So you can make our website. Right?
Me: yes :)
Client: okay, can you please check why our printer is not working?
Me: :|

Something I probably shouldn't talk about:

One of the projects at work has a specific path you can visit. The """security""" is that nobody should know the path. But I can guaran-fucking-tee you it's not difficult to guess.

On this page, ***without a login***, you can view some user information. Well, you can view all of it, but only certain fields.

And if you perform a specific action on this page, you can get their password, plaintext.

This project is not mine. But learning all of this made me super uneasy. I had to share it.

My relatives: "Can you fix my computer/ipad/etc..."
Me: "Sure why not. I'l take a look when I have the time"
Lesson: Don't be so arrogant.

Other: "You know the app you're going to develop for us?"

Me: "Yes."

Other: "Can you give me access to it so I can take some screenshots for writing the guidance?"

Me: "Err.. Well not really as it doesn't actually exist yet..."

Why do I have to deal with such people.

Client : hey why does your app minimize once I receive a call? Fix this ASAP! Also why does it show *that*? I have not turned anything on!

Me : Sorry, not possible (explains), you might want to contact Google (for the lolz). Also, the feature is shown by default, you can turn it off via Menu - Settings - Navigation - xxx.

Client : Can you make the incoming call popup smaller when using your app?

Me : Unfortunately no, that's not something I can do. Contact LG.

Client : I have been to Menu - Settings - Map - XXX and the feature is still shown, why does your software not work? Also *this and that* is not shown anymore!

Me : You turned off the wrong thing... *jumps out of the window* *contemplates life* *cries* *dies*

Windows: You have low power (5% = like 5 mins)
Me: Goes to shit down
Windows: You can only shut down if you update
Me: I'm not risking that *holds power button down and smothers it to death*

Git. Not Linux, not python, not gimp, not GCC, not Emacs. Git.

Because it saves your work and you can work with other people on one project in a human way

We've come so far, yet we have not progressed at all - can you hear me? is this working? "JENNA GET THE OTHER MIC THIS ONE DOESN'T WORK"

When not even Ctrl + Alt + Del can save you... Thanks Windows

When your boss sends you 25+ screenshots and messages via SMS at 11pm of issues he's found on a Sunday night... Why can you not just email it to me in the morning

Hey junior... when I'm asking a question it's not the answer I'm looking for.... It's your thought process! Just tell me the things you will not do and we can take it from there!

I feel like the whole CoC debate is just:

"Stop using harmful language!"
"F*** you! How else can I tell you that your commit sucks donkey-b***?!"
"You are banned!"
"I'm taking all of my work with me, you c****!"
"No you are not"
"Yes I F***ing am"

Maybe we can reach a compromise, where we can insult bad coders, just not on the basis of their race/gender/sex? Or, fork a version of the code base for "inclusive-sjw-types" and another for "loud-mouth-a**-holes"?

Like it's really a debate on work ethics. Positive change negative reinforcement...

IT Consulting Opportunity:

Java developer with skills in JavaScr-

No. Fuck you.

Mom: why haven't you been doing your computer science homework at home ?
Me : because you won't let me have a computer and I can't run the software I need on my school iPad
Mom: bull shit you can run it that iPad can do anything that you can do on a computer
Me : no you can't that's not even...*mom cuts me off*
Mom : don't talk back to me you just don't wanna do your homework
Mom: all computers are the same they just have different names
Me : that's not even true in the slightest... *gets cut off again*
Mom: shut up and do your damn homework
Me: 😐

Boss: We are going live tomorrow, are you ready?
Me: (Goosebumps and dry mouth) Sorry can you repeat that
Boss: Oh sorry not you, it's Sam whose app going live tomorrow
Me: (Inner me) Motherfucker. You dry dick piece of shit

- Can you format my computer ?
- I am developper Bro, this is not my kind of business
- I know you studied IT, so when you format my computer ?
-...

!rant

Dear dfox and trogus,

Is it possible to arrange a secret santa kind of duck gift sharing campaign once a year? Not necessary need to be a xmas campaign. We can wait until you update the shopping cart process with the feature 😬

Each user can buy ducks for other users. You can contact the recipients for the address if you don't have yet and do the delivery.

HR: Do you have any questions?
Candidate: Yes, In case I'm not selected, can you give back my resume? I have another interview on 3rd floor today.

"You can be misunderstood exactly once. After that, you are not being misunderstood; you are communicating poorly." - Josh Collinsworth

Me at school: Erh I make programs and I guess it is sort of a hobby
The other kids: SO YOU CAN HACK PEOPLES COMPUTERS AND PHONES??? :0
Me: Not exactly, I actually program websites and some games...
The other kids: WOAH CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE ME A CUSTOM GTA???
Me:

CEO be like: "I'm sure you guys can build this, i mean this is not rocket science!"

!dev, sort of

Days like today make me not ready for Monday. Goddamnit nature, why you gotta be so pristine?

Dear Client,

Being a complete and utter asshole does not make your website get developed any faster, so you can kindly fug off.

"What we can do to get all on time? ", manager asks
"Can we have 4 more developers on the project?", dev asks
"No, that's not gonna happen. Let's be realistic", manager says
"Is it realistic to ask 3 devs to ship 20 features in a week, reviewed and tested?" dev asks
"Actually 2 of you, because our contractor goes into a vacation. But you can do overtimes, can't you?"
"I prefer not to but even in that case I can't guarantee that as it's not realistic. But at least can I leave earlier and work more from home more because there are severe delays on the train lines and if I have to commute 4 hours a day it won't help", dev says
"Well, I'm not sure if that's a good idea. You have to communicate with people, you know. We have to ship things. But we can discuss this tomorrow as I have to leave early today. I have to take my kids from school"

Really? Wtf?

Wanted to ++ rant about that clicking devrant logo refreshes page. Now thanks to algo I can not find it... Sorry mate, no ++ for you

Open nodejs.org

Can you notice that one pixel on the top left side of green banner :-P
I'm not a designer but dude ...

Which do you think designers are tired of hearing?

"Make the logo bigger"
"Looks great but can you make it pop"
"Can you make it pretty"
"Something is missing in the design but I'm not sure what is."

After 15 Revisions
"I think the first design you made was better."

me: so can i use strlen?
intern: no!! you need it implement it!
me: *calls teacher* hey can i use strlen?
teacher: yeah, do as you please. who told u you can't use it?
me: *points at the other guy*

whoops i think i just got him in trouble today xd sorry not sorry, i want him gone so i can replace him hahaha jk

Programmers are like bees!

You can domesticate programmers the way beekeepers tame bees. You can't exactly communicate with them, but you can get them to swarm in one place and when they're not looking, you can carry off the honey. You keep these bees from stinging by paying them money. More money than they know what to do with. But that's less than you might think. ~ Orson Scott Card

Oh JavaScript... can you seriously not even increment the exponent of a float without barfing?

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

My first job was not exactly a job but a freelance project. The guy that I delivered the website to thought that I'd charge money each time I pressed a key on my laptop when we met.
Had to explain to the guy that that's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.

You know what Linux has taught me? That above anything, a computer is just a tool. There is a lot you can do with the tool, but do not depend on it so much that you fear losing it.

So I was browsing through some Redis docs and I find this. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL KOREA!!!!

Can you *insert something about computing and totally not related with the job*?

Schrodinger's USB:
you have the USB in your hand. you don't know if you have it in the upright position or not. you can only find out if you've got it right when you try it!... otherwise the you're holding it both wrong; and right!

Ffs can you not

No you stupid website, I will not disable my ad blocker for you. I am just going to leave to another website. It's not like I can go to the next search result.

Customer: can you fix my flashdrive? I think it's corrupted or something.

Me: sure no problem

*plugs in flashdrive in pc*
*tried to format*
*Disk is write protected*

Me: ... not you again.

It's starting again. I can feel it.

You had a decent job, but you had to think otherwise. Then you had to go to that coffee shop tell some people you're the fucking bee's knees, didn't you?

Well, you know that's how the band plays.

Yeah, but now you'll have to live up to the hype, my friend. And you know pretty well that the pocketknife on your belt won't cut it anymore.

I can always learn as I go...

Sure you can. Except this time stakes are higher. They'll be expecting you to deliver on all your bloody greatness. They'll be relying on you. Not only them, but also the person who chose to be with you. And you know you're not enough, for neither of them. Now you'll fuck it up and let all those people down.

But I could build things little by little, lay out a solid groundwork and build up from that. Just like that other time when...

Of course you can. But can you make beautiful sparkly things? Can you make them sexy?

No... But I can make them resilient. I can follow best practices and intelligent design patterns.

Right. Cause design patterns win contests and prizes. Sure.

Well, it'll make things work better. And then when someone else comes along...

They'll say your work smells and let everybody know how it should've been done, because they need to prove themselves. You know that's what people do.

But that's just not fair! Solid work is solid work!

And a fraud is still a fraud. And that's what you are.

The first time you go to DevRant :
- " Mmh not bad "

When you realise you can win a stress-ball :
- " OMG need to find something funny to say !! "

Why is doing a minor change in UI always taking the most amount of time!!

CaN YoU MoVe ThIs 5 PiXeLs To ThE LeFT !@#$%^&!

NO I FUCKING CAN"T! BECAUSE OUR CLOSED SOURCED UI FRAMEWORK IS NOT ALLOWING IT!!!!!

!dev

What can you say for certain about your argument when you bring it to a discussion and you pretty much lose but it still stands?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's not sitting down.

I'll leave now......

You : O(n³)
vs
The guy she tells you not to worry about : O(1)
...
I can NVR get over this joke 😂

Introducing. Snapchat privacy invasion. You can see where your added friends are if they do not disable it (enable ghost mode).
Good job :)

Friend :- so you went so deep into programming.
Me :- yeah but not too far.
Friend :- can you fix my laptop infected by virus?
*handing me his lapi*
Me :- of course. is your windows is original?
He :- yaa!! I mean you know I like original not like your pc.
Me :- *deleted win 32 file *

Friend: « Can you help me do the js part of my paid contract for free ? »
Me: Yeees, sure, I am not going to do that, never

[wordpress trigger warning]

Had an idiotic colleague who re-implemented the insert image function as a shortcode. A “senior php developer”. No, I’m not kidding.

Him: “But this way we can set a class”
Me: “As you can with the standard mode”
Him “No you can’t”
Me: *shows*
Him (smiling): “well why don’t you remove my stuff then?”

Can you be hired as a developer if you are not holdind a cs degree?

Can you guess where the form fields are?

It's the grey area.

Not, not that one, the other grey area.

this is university class. can you believe it? this lecture is not supposed to be in this level.

-Are you programmer?
-maybe?
-can you do something for me?
-can I?
-I need you to hack this Face..
-Not again...

Yet another bullshit app to cure your problems that have taken place by not talking to people. No app can give you the comfort equal to talking to a person that cares about you can give. Go talk to some real people ffs.

And at that moment, I closed the AWS signup form and went back to Linode.

Me: Can you tell me how to do X?
ChatGPT: yes, you can do xwz!
Me: I researched your suggestion and every source I find mentions that you should not do it because it would mess with the UI thread, amongst other side effects.
ChatGPT: Yes, you should not do xwz.

I’m kinda liking this thing, it’s full of noob traps.

Me, programmer(not employed yet): you know what is crazy about coding test? I can easily do manually what test said, but teaching it to computer is surprisingly hard.

My brother, teacher(not graduated yet): I can easily solve middle school problems too, but teaching to kids is hard part. It seems like we do similar thing.

Quora, Can You please tell me where is the FucKinG Close Button?
😡😡😡
I do not want to download your app :/

Not being able to edit rants after 5 minutes. Apparently you can upset people if you're not entirely clear in your rants. Who knew?

client: can you add *these fearures*
me: sure
client: can we get it in 2 days
me: sure

*it's 2:22 am , not funished and should present the project tomorrow*
damn , always fall in the same mistake.
wish me luck

Can interviewers PLEASE stop asking cliche and terrible questions??
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "Not with you guys obviously, you dumb piece of shit."
That's what I'd like to say to them at least... :/

someone: so what do you do?
me: I'm a software developer
someone: oh, can you design me a logo?
me: no
someone: something simple, I'm sure...
me: NO, IT'S NOT MY F***ING JOB

It kills me that a lot of people on here choose Linux distros based solely on desktop environments. Its Linux guys, you can make it whatever you want. You should decide between distros because of package managers or frequent updates or active communities, not because of how pretty it is out of the box. You can make it as pretty as you want.

Not even fb account people asks can you hack facebook. WTF🤐.

PROGRAMMING AS AN INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY IS THE ONLY ART FORM THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CREATE INTERACTIVE ART. 🎨
YOU CAN CREATE PROJECTS THAT OTHER PEOPLE CAN PLAY WITH, AND YOU CAN TALK TO THEM INDIRECTLY. 💬
NO OTHER ART FORM IS QUITE THIS INTERACTIVE. 💕
MOVIES FLOW TO THE AUDIENCE IN ONE DIRECTION. ⏩
PAINTINGS DO NOT MOVE.🖼
CODE GOES BOTH WAYS. ↔

- ZED SHAW

Me: JavaScript, you are crazy...

JavaScript: honey, you can not live without me... If you survive without me, leave now!!!

(That was three years ago)
and I am still writing #JavaScript applications

dev/ChoosingBeggars

Condition : Deadlines in 7 Hours. Submit on Class

MyClassmate : "Have you done the last Assignment?"
Me : "Technically Speaking, yes, i've done that in Python, since we need to use C, i need to Translate it first"
MC : "Can you teach me?"
Me : "I wouldn't say i won't, but it's 1 AM, time is short, need to sleep, I can give you the python code tho"
MC : "wait, so you will submit the python code without Translating it first?"
Me : "Of course not, i can translate it less than 30 minutes, i'll finish and submit it before class"
MC : "can you translate it now, so you can email that to me at <his email address>, so i can sleep now and we can submit it together this morning"
Me : "i can't tell you are serious or not, anyway, see you in class"

🤦‍♂🤦‍♂🤦‍♂🤦‍♂🤦‍♂ <screenshot in indonesian, just for proofs>

Seriously, you can watch star wars in command prompt

Run this command in your cmd - telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl

But, this will not work in git bash ;)

Not only are you not your job, your job is not worth taking home with you; unless it's actually your company, leave it in the office. You can love your job and still have days when you hate it, or days when you'd rather be doing anything else; that doesn't mean you don't still like what you do.

As a profession we can all be obsessive and not take the time out that we need, so make special effort to do so, even if that just means you're working on a personal project instead. Your brain, and partner, will be glad that you did. Whether you like to admit it or not, everyone needs downtime.

What can you do with people using so many times git force push ...

* explain gently this is not necessary
* punch him/her everytime you see it
* other stuff that is not in the above list

!dev
can you guys suggest me good TV/Anime series with few seasons or episodes so I can use my Sunday. Not in a mood for work.

"Execuse me, this specification is not clear in a whole lot of points. Can you please go over it and clarify things?"

"Nope. Just interpret it intelligently."

"You do not need to have a great idea before you can begin working; you need to begin working before you can have a great idea." - Josh Collinsworth

You can buy someone's time but not his/her motivation.

"The moment clients realize that revisions are not an all-you-can-eat buffet, suddenly they realize they are not hungry." - Lester Beall

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

Hey Chris can you join this conference call where we will talk about hardware and pricing options and not bring up anything software related.

The fuck? You can scroll to the top by touching the status bar?!

Why the fuck is this not common knowledge?

Its not binary; you can be decent and gifted at the same time.
~🍓

Only because i write validation for your input does not mean you can shut down your brain.

A cousin: Hey, You're a programmer, right?
Me: Yeah, what do you need?
Him: My smart washing machine is not working, can you fix it for me?
Me: Well.. call the company.
Him: How can you call yourself a programmer? You didn't even know how to reconfigure my cable receiver yesterday!..
Me: .... (WTF internally).

How you look when your customer tells you that you can not pay the rest of the budget accepted and completed, within two weeks because he has to change the four wheels of his BMW 4x4 :O

Whispers in the dark haunt me:
You are not here to innovate
You are known as a mad scientist and your help will be detrimental​ to progress
Your wish of change goes against our legacy
You can not do it
It can't be done
You will be blocked
You don't have the experience to accomplish this
It is not easy as it seems
You won't understand
There are political reasons to not to improve
No

Sorry, boss. You can either have me friendly/sociable at work or pass a random. Not both.

Visual Studio 2017 (RTW)....
Hmmm..
You are not there yet, but I trust you.
If anybody can be best (among IDEs), it can only be you.

Uncle gives me a call one day - "hey aren't you a computer science graduate? Can you fix my computer for me it does not open Internet Explorer"
Me - 😖😡

That moment when you realize why not even you can properly use your API

My mom keeps giving me stick about not eating properly..

How can you eat when your app crashes so bad that you entertain the thought of starting over again?

Fuck you Edge!
I can name a var "screen", what is wrong with you? I don't care you have an Object named Screen, they are not the same and I rather use my own, thank you. It's not like I'm "let var=" on you, you piece of shit!

>you can order Devrant stickers for free
>but you're not doing that
>'Man, why? That stickers are cool!'
>I know they are cool, but I'm here not for stickers, I'm here for funny community
That's what I think.

Boss at the start of a new project: "We could hire an intern to gatter some data in an excel list... You can easily implement that in the application later - right? So can you get us a excel list to fill out? "

No... Just no...

You tell me what you wanna see and how you wanna interact with the application!

In the process we will figure out which data is necessary, I will build some tables in the database for that data and then, !!! not a second sooner !!! , I'll be able to give you an suitable excel list, which includes a complete list of columns for the necessary data in a form I can work with it.

It's not my job to know what data a application needs to make YOUR JOB easier! I'm not a magician! I just love programming stuff!

family member/friend/someone: hey can you-

me: no

them: why not?

me: windows is updating, sorry

Boxed primitive types. You can have a Integer inside a List but not an int inside one.

I see more and more people encouraging people to learn Haskell. But why ? What can you do with it, that you would not do with another language? what have you done with haskell?

yesterday..
- OMG ${LINUX} you work with computer? Can you fix my printer!?

I never learn to not talk about what I work with

"Can we do X?"
Yes, we can do almost anything you want.
"Can we have it ready by last month?"
No.
"What about 2 weeks ago?"
Not feasible.
"Yesterday?"
Sorry I don't think we can.

For real though, how do you deal with unrealistic delivery expectations? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep saying no to everything, or if they keep asking in hopes that maybe this time it'll be ok.

I had a team lead once that would come into my office multiple times a day to sit and talk. Not about work. Not even about development. Just to talk.

You ever realize how small a newborn is? It's amazing how tiny humans can be. They're not even a full breakfast.

can you solve the issue in production mentioned in this slack channel you don't have access to and we're not going to grant you access to?

When you are in the zone coding and you get a call at work "asking if your busy?" :/ then being told it's not important it can wait.... So you hang up and cannot remember wtf you were in the middle of.

Just tell me if the API is ready or not. I can understand if it's not. I just don't like being left out and when the boss asks for an update, I'll get burned for not starting anything yet, all because you guys aren't ready

"You can be misunderstood exactly once. After that, you are not being misunderstood; you are communicating poorly." - Josh Collinsworth

"Can you teach us how to do x? If not, how much would you charge for doing it yourself?"

Bitch, my time is valuable, if I teach you, I'm gonna charge you anyway...

I'm sure every tech can relate when I say: "Do not! Interrupt! My weekend! With fucking! Tech issues! Thank you!".

YIL (Yesterday, I learned) that, in Austria, digital signatures on documents (using a signature you can only get by verifying your identity, which can be done in person, or online but no I'm not making pics with my passport, ever) have the same value as handwritten signatures.

If someone provides you a PDF and tells you to print it out and sign it, you can just sign it on your PC and send the PDF back, and unless they explicitly told you not to do so (it can't be put in terms and conditions), they can't reject a signature provided in this way.

You may not like but dokument everything in your project. It needs its time but it can save your job.

+++ You can now move GitHub issues to another repository +++

(This does not work across different organizations yet)

Whatever I do, I can not change the situation.
What do you suggest? (I am very weak socially)

Stakeholder: Can you investigate the problem with this user profile? We made updates to system A, but user is saying it’s the wrong info on the website.

Me: Looks fine to me. Looks like your updates just needed time to trickle down. Though, you will need to clean up this user’s data because it can cause X problems. There’s not much I can do since the site just displays info from system A.

SH: Can you delete the user’s website account and we can ask user to create a new one?

Me: …Ok, let’s try this again. It’s not necessary to delete the account and make the user create a new one. It’s not going to resolve the X problems that I mentioned. The website really needs clean data from system A.

can you fix my iPhone? Why not? Because it is in Japanese! wk9

Omg no I don't want to put that button there just because you are saying it Jim. I

I'm so fustrated when everyone thinks they can add stuff to designs BRO I MAPPED OUT A CUSTOMER JOURNEY INFRONT OF YOUR BRO R U BLIND?! I HAVE TO MAKE ANOTHER PAGE TO THE STUPID BUTTON

ALSO CAN YOU NOT BARK ORDERS AT ME MY INNER DARTH VADER IS NOT HAPPY.

Latex, can you for once be nice and not fuck up my images, please?

Can you stop pushing this image which you clearly have enough space for to the next page and leave the previous page completely empty??

Them: let's do iterative pull requests
Me: Great, can I have a review
Them: Your code touches a code that doesn't feel right, I can not approve this folly unless you fix following 30.000 lines:

When you learn a new language but can not find a project to use it.

I do not think that GoTo is bad. It can lead to hellish code but if you don't misuse it - it can be extremely useful.

TIL that the CEO sends cringy videos to the customers but cmon, can you not have the title "Efficiency in your pants"

I’ve been thinking that “low code” generally means high body count. You can take that as a pun, or not.

If it hasn't a README, its not opensource! Just because you put it on Github doesn't mean people can use it...

Not sure if a rant but.

How many of you guys gets so bored durning meetings on all the none important stuff or not related to you that you just start codeing instead?

I have these hours long meetings with analist that can talk calculations all dat long, how usefull they are, wich analyses you can do for them. I really don't care. Just tell me the formula and I will make it. Do not care whether A is voltage or the amount of pink clouds on sunday.

Can you fix my wifi?🤔
Me: I said dev, not cable guy!

Man I hate programming tests that have no practical application. I'm not doing one yet, just saw an example question that made me go...ok...I kinda get what you want but..why would you EVER need this. Googled and the consensus is that..*drum roll* you wouldn't ever need it because it's only useful to see if someone can solve it in an interview.

Why not give actual problems or at least actual test cases of things that way you can see if people can solve actual real life problems. Wouldn't that prove that people can reason their way through things or not? See if they can provide a good solution for something that someone else has already encountered instead of some nonsense that wouldn't have an actual practical application?

Maybe it's just me but if you give me a problem that sounds like it's useless for some reason my brain just goes, "Ah this sounds like it's useless, better not actually devote all my brain power to this"...

From my experience you can't really avoid bad companies with 100% success ratio. You can pay attention to the surroundings during an interview, you can research the company online, but in the end whether the company is good or bad is a purely subjective feeling. I think the most important thing is to make sure you don't get too attached to the company either emotionally or legally, so you can just gtfo when you decide it's not right for you.

It has made life living like hell around muggles who think "it should not be that hard.. can you..."
NO! GO FUCK YOURSELF.
"Can you make me a POS system? A guy told me it should not take you more than a night. I will pay you (enough to buy Age of Empires 2 on Steam sale) as well."
NO GO LEARN TO CODE YOURSELF IN ONE NIGHT AND BUILD YOUR POS(piece of shit) YOURSELF IN THE NEXT NIGHT.

You know you've grown when you get your answers from the source code directly, instead of stack overflow

"You do not need to have a great idea before you can begin working; you need to begin working before you can have a great idea." - Josh Collinsworth

BA: "Can you design a page for this?"
me (not a designer): "Um, sure, no problem."

Fast forward two days, show the page for approval.

PM: "Hey, can we do it as a pop-up instead?"

:|

I want a robot that can do just one thing, just so I can say fuck you to these forms.

Well that, and maybe one other thing but let’s not talk about that😉

You know, like be able to see what cars and signs look like in pictures. Geez, what the hell were you thinking about.

Management: let's be agile... we can all meet and discuss a project that will take more than likely 6 - 12 months but you guys can estimate and create a road map....
Engineer: I'm not sure you understand agile

Hi I just joined this great Community and here is my thoughts about programming tap "++" if you agree if not then change your mind.

For me programming is like becoming wizard of next generation. Like wizard you can control or create anything because in future you will find electronics containing programs written by a wizard (programmer). We are not people who can repair computer but greater then that because a pc is just a box without programs (software)
You are reading this article because you loves challenges and you are hard working too.

Client emails for a wordpress site:
12:46 - Can you change the header color to #xxxxxx?
12:47 - Also can you change the text on this page? ( not part of our contract)
12:49 - never mind, I've done it already.. I'll contact you if I need more help.

god damn it, your a grown ass fucking person. Why the fuck can you not be mature enough to stay on slack during business hours?! GAH!!!!!!!!

Sorry I can not fix your fucking 404 error, this problem is specific to you not site wide call the fucking help desk!

"You can be misunderstood exactly once. After that, you are not being misunderstood; you are communicating poorly." - Josh Collinsworth

!rant

TIL I can help support devRant for less than the cost of a coffee per month. (And you can too, if you're not already) I'm digging the edit time extension and the ++ tag in threads.

Cheers, dfox and trogus!

People have to realize that people are unique no matter the skill set. You can replace the skill set but not the person.

The best part of being a developer is that you can work and develop at the same time without conflict. Even when you're not on the team.

we want you to be
- full stack developer (you do everything front end, back end)
- dev ops/SRE (you can sort out the deployment CI/CD pipeline, cloud platform services AWS/GC/Azure whatever)
- architect (you can design the software as well)
all in 1, you gotta be multiple roles/departments
good luck getting this experience on the job (hell in a startup is not for everybody and certainly not for me)

also why the fuck companies who aren’t startups ask for this idk

not sure if i missed any roles/competencies so far , don’t forget you need like >=3 years of experience possibly in every field for entry roles and more for anything higher than that

They say you can have work that is good, fast, and cheap, but you can only pick two.

Well now you can have a job that pays ok, is fully remote, and is meaningful, but you can only pick two.

Of course many times we get work that does not satisfy two of the three and there are many jobs that don’t satisfy any of those three. But I’m just saying if you are in a position to have some choices about your job.

When you get shocked to see if someone can hate Stackoverflow this much. Troll == Infinity
P.S. zoom if you can't see the image clearly. Sorry for not SO clear screenshot

One aged person went to banker and said my son is not in country, and he asked me to withdraw money from his mutual fund account. Can you help.

Banker replied, do you have withdraw form signed. If not then can you copy his sign.

Elder guy tried it and stupid banker accepted withdraw form as well.

Sure just interrupt me constantly all day, I don't have anything important to do.

"Can you provide an estimate when X will be done?"

"Can you estimate how many questions my colleagues will have?"

Not even just interns. My god.

Advice: always be thankful when you are the idiot because it is easier to change being stupid yourself than changing the other parties stupidity. Example: you can fix wrongly using a 3rd party SDK, but you can most likely not fix internal bugs in the SDK.

Not a rant

What do you all use for taking notes? Preferably something that handles code well and is cloud based (or can be dumped into it)

How long (what % of day) are you fully focused (contentrated) on programming on average per day? How many hours is your work day? The longer the hours, the harder to stay focused we probably can agree. How are you doing in carreer - good or not, can tell as detailed as you might want to share.