*client calls in*

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: my ip is blocked, could you unblock it for me?
Me: certainly! What's your ip address? Then I'll have a look.
Client: I'm not giving you my ip?! That's too privacy sensitive.
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: sir, I'm very keen on my privacy myself but without that information I can't do much for you 😬
Client: ah so you're refusing to help me?
Me: not like that, it's just very hard to lift an ip block for me when I don't know the ip address.
Client: you just don't want to help, fine.

*click*

😶

Client: Hey, you're the IT guy right?
Me: Hey, how can I help?
Client: Yeah for some reason I've lost power to my computer
Me: *Checks power, all computers are down due to a power cut*
Me: You'll have to contact your power supplier as you've lost power to all computers and lights.
Client: What, but the computers are not working right? - that's you're job not mine
Me: That's not how it works.
Client: Fix this or I'll bill you for the loss of money we've encountered during this and report this to your boss.
Me: How about I bill you for my time and advice and inform by boss that you tried to blame me for a power cut.
Client: You can try.
Me: *walks off and puts time in the ticket, requests purchasing to send an invoice*

2 Days later:
The client does not pay the invoice.
Me: (phone call) Hi, an invoice has been sent to you and we haven't received payment yet.
Client: were not paying that, you broke our power and made our computers break
Me: null

So...

It seems that I am building a toolbar for IE11.

Send me your wishes and love.

P.S. Not a joke

Me: I'm done working for today, let's pack up and go home !
Windows: :)
Me: You better fucking not-
Windows: Installing update 1 of 893...

Not a coding test, but:

Them: So you are interviewing for a programmer opening. Do you like programming?

Me: yes.

Them: do you make logos?

Me: ...I can...?

Them: good because you won't always be writing code here.

Me: I'm out.

Me: *staring at computer screen, not looking busy*

Boss: Why are you not working?

Me: I am, I'm just waiting for this thing to finish installing.

Boss: You do realize you can still do other stuff while that's running, right?

Me: Didn't you send me an article last week about the dangers of multitasking?

Boss: um...

Me: *now intently staring at progress bar..."

Boss: fuck sakes... *walks away*

They asked for a web developer
Interviewer : can you fix this printer ?
Me: no
Interviewer : You're not for this job
Me: thanks God I'm not for that job

Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: Not purchasing Sublime

Fixed this assholes phone for her... she proceeds to take the phone and say “thanks for fixing it, it was kind of you to do it for free!”

Uhm, ex-fucking-cuse me?! I run a business, not a god damned charity.

She got me my fucking money.

Client : Hey make me five page website with blabalabla blabla blabla blablablablablabla that should be easy for you! for 10$?
me : for 10$ i can create a new folder and thats it and i am not gonna call it project i will name it asdaddaddadsas!

id·i·ot

ˈidēət/

noun

Not paying me for 3 months and expecting me to reply to client emails

synonyms: my boss

Friend : Queue is just 'Q' followed by 4 silent letter..
Me : they are not silent they are waiting for their turn...
☺☺☺

My gf caught me unguarded after she told me that she has some updates for her webpage, right after I did the last updates. Massively amused. Not! 😅

Tech support to my friend:

Friend: Root my phone!
Me: why
Friend: play store is not working
Me: why do u want to root for that?
Friend: is there any other option?
Me: give me ur phone

After 20 sec ...
Me: Sign in to ur Google account 😐😐

Boss: For next project I suggest we use webassembly
Me: Why not use real assembly

Phone call...
Caller: we contact you to arrange an interview for Java developer position, what time is good with you?
Me: Sorry Sir, I am javascript developer not Java developer!
Caller: You mentioned in your CV that you are using Java and Ayax for building applications!
Me: Trust me Sir, I don't have any relationship with your Ayax...
Caller: No problem, we can discuss this small technical difference in the interview. When you are available for it?
Me: No Sir, I am not available.

Marketing: it's not working...

Me: *fixes bug and pushes changes in less than 5 mins*

Me: Well it's working for me

Marketing: strange... it wasn't working 5 minutes ago...

I love their faces of confusion haha

Never. Work. Without. Contract. Fuck this one guy for not paying me after 4 weeks of work!

Me: I'm building for 32 bit.
Me: But I feel like I should be building for 64 bit.
Me: But not everyone has a 64 bit OS.
Me: But who the fuck doesn't?
Jerry: The people who can't run our game.

Client(On Call): I emailed some query a day before. I got a response too. But, i am not able to find answer of my specific query.

Me: Let me check that for you. Yes, it is there. See the mail carefully.

Client: No. It's not there.

Me: Can you read the whole mail for me?

Client: Sure. *Started Reading* Oh yes. Yes. it is here. *Hangs up the Phone.*

Me: Sigh.

Client: ey im not a techguy, just buy the parts for the server, get it running and ship it to me.
😍😍😍

Client: Glad to have you on the team, you come highly recommended for your experience in Microsoft technology, specifically asp.net

Me: I was contacted for a php, mariadb project

Client: well they're all the same

Me: actually sir no.... No they're not.

Client: then why was I told to contact you

Me: you tell me, your hiring manager contacted me for a php project not asp or. Net

Client: well I guess I know who to blame for your, sorry for taking your time. Can I contact you if we have a project made with that thing you mentioned?

Me: php?, Sure

Client: nice...... Take care

Me: you too

That went better than I expected

Girlfriend asks me "is this an app for nerds?"

Not every programmer is equal to a nerd....

God damn it, I'm a fucking computer guy. Not your fucking photographer. If you want pictures for YOUR website YOU fucking take them, NOT ME! Go step of a fucking lego.

150K, fucking finally!

And no, it's not 'just about the upvotes' for me, I already explained that one numerous times.

Yay!

Me: So we've used Bootstrap for front-end and Django for ...
Teacher: Bootstrap is not a front-end framework.
Me: Uh..Okay. It's a CSS framework ? My bad.
Teacher: No, Python is for front-end.
Me: You mean templating ? Yeah! We've used Jinja templates.
Teacher: No. Use Python for front-end.

Human: "Why did you buy an old iPhone?"

Me: "Mostly for cross-platform development"

*Apparently that was not the answer they were expecting*

Yes Google, thank you for telling me that I'm not using your app. I'm also not using millions of other apps that exist, so why should I use yours? Am I not making you enough money?

Sister: (she must migrated from iOS to android) you can download these apps and then you can change like colors and themes and everything 😍😱😵
Me: Yeah off course you can...?
Sister: Oh not, oh no, you're not going to tell me you've been able to do this for years?!?
Me: Uhm... Yes...?
Sister: 😵😭😱😭

Not an apple hate rant, just found the convo funny!

Rating:
"1 star for now. Will give 5 stars if it can make me coffee, bring me breakfast in bed and drive me to work."

It's a digital assistant not a literal butler you troll!

Irony: A robot that clicks for me on the "I'm not a robot" buttons.

(Firefox Addon by prowebmasters)

She: "Better not visit devRant for the next.. weeks"
Me: "Lol, what have I done?"
She: "The new iPhone is out"
Me: "..."

That's not machine learning for me...

If I'm bored enough to post a rant during a job interview, the job may not be for me

Flyer: "Looking for someone to code for coffee factory-thingy, we will not pay you in cash."

Me: "Fucking Pass!"

Flyer: "-We will pay you in bags of coffee instead, from itally"

Me: "-me that pen and sign me up!"

QA: Why have you sent this for testing? it's not working!

Me: Have you cleared your cache?

QA: Oh

I like when a recruiter calls, decides you're not experienced enough for the role they called for, and immediately ask if you know someone who is. Sure, bro, let me help do your job for you.

Me: I need 4gb of RAM for the server
Ops: who told you that?
Me: it is a minimum recommended setting for the software stated on their website
Ops: at the moment you you are not even using that much RAM
Me: maybe because no one is doing anything on the server ಠ_ಠ

Please tell me how much do you HATE yourself for owning 0 / not enough bitcoins.

A: There is not even a single forum for cyber security. Let's build one.
Me: Are you sure that there is not even a single forum?
A: Yes, I'm a cyber security expert. I have 5 years of experience in this field.
Me: **walks out quitely**

*is expecting guests and while waiting his coding*

*Bell rings*

ME: Hey Gradma Grandpa welcome.

Grandpa: Here's my phone fix my storage and install FB Messenger for me

AT LEAST FOR GOD SAKE SAY HI TO ME. IM YOUR NEPHEW FOR GOD SAKE NOT SOME RANDOM HUMAN BEING.

Please do not send me fucking messages saying “hi how are you?“ and then wait for my response before asking me what you actually want.

Recruiter emails me about a role. I replied that I am not interested.

Two weeks later, the recruiter emails me again that my profile is not suitable for the role and they have saved my details and will contact me in future.

WTF. This is a very well reputed organization for that matter.

Me: Taking online course for programming. Think it's not that hard.

PC: Coded programm runs good like in the tutorial.

Me: Wow I can code now.

Just printed "Hello World"

Mac: you have to reboot for updates

Me: ok

Mac: ... ... (It didn't start anymore)

Work project was there and I did not push :(

Me in a test:

if(boolean)
return value;
return something_else;

I then lost 2 marks for not having an else statement -.-

Me, starting my internship in ML.. coworkers come to me asking what computer I need:
Me: Well, something more powerful than this i3, and most importantly some kind of GPU for training.
Them: Ok, what kind of GPU?
Me: Well, a 1080 or 2080 should be more than enough and good performance for the price.
Them: Oh.. We were more thinking about a Tesla V100 or something like that!
Me: (internally) WTF this costs more than what you'll pay me for the internship, this is so cool. (to them) Oh, yes, why not, great perfomance, blah blah blah.

I would prefer them to pay me more, but at least they're not going to hold me down with bad components! Nothing to rant about for now.. Hope it'll stay the same ^^

Other: "You know the app you're going to develop for us?"

Me: "Yes."

Other: "Can you give me access to it so I can take some screenshots for writing the guidance?"

Me: "Err.. Well not really as it doesn't actually exist yet..."

Why do I have to deal with such people.

My cousin just messaged me and asked me to make him a discount code for an online retailer.
THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS.

Hey junior... when I'm asking a question it's not the answer I'm looking for.... It's your thought process! Just tell me the things you will not do and we can take it from there!

Well dear former employer thank you for everything. Thanks for taking me on as a junior and not providing any training at all. Thanks for changing my job role without consulting me whilst I was on holiday and again failing to train me for a job I had no idea about, but you apparently needed me to do for you. And finally thank you for letting me work nearly a full shift before telling me how much you like me, don't have a bad word to say about me, and you're really happy with all my work but the company and I "aren't a very good fit for each other anymore".

Packing for holidays: Shall i take my laptop with me or not.... 🤔

I may not have a duck, but I do have this little guy that my fiancée made for me :)

Today is the first saturday where that is not a working day for me.
Joined a new company this week

Everytime 🙄
Client: it's not working.
Me: what isn't
Client: the app video and link thing locator
Me: device and spec ? Like I always need
Client:iPhone
Me: yes. What one and what version of iOS
Client: urm 6s iOS 10 something
Me: great 😏 not broken for me
Client: well everyone is complaining so we need it fixed.

What can i even do now 😐

!dev, sort of

Days like today make me not ready for Monday. Goddamnit nature, why you gotta be so pristine?

In honor of Erwin Schrodinger's birthday I may or may not kill a cat. For the love of God nobody ask me which.

fuck you to the tech software engineer who would sexually harass me for over a year straight and would simply NOT GET THE FUCKING POINT that I'M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED.

Worst mistake of my life.

pm: why this things are getting late in development.
me: no, I'm not late, on track, this will be done by end of the next week.
pm: but my estimation was for today EOD.
me: you never asked me for the estimation..
pm: we are here for that.
me: then do this yourself..*asshole*

CEO: You are hired to solve the problem for the company, not to create new problems
Me: You are the problem.

me, when someone yells at me for not able to resolve an "electronic" issue because I'm pursuing a computer science degree

Not a rant, quite the opposite. Look what my flatmate got me for my birthday today!
I finally have a debug buddy !!! 😄

STOP. LOOKING. AT. HALF. FINISHED. SPRINTS. FOR. STYLING. ERRORS.

For the love of god I know it's not right yet leave me aloooooone

This week I had a technical interview for a Python developer position.
They asked me Javascript questions.
Not a single Python question.
Fml

Me: "ok for the following changes you must pay the following charge because it's not in the scope"
Customer: "bUt tHiS Is Not whAt I wanT, wOnT pAY thE ResT iF yoU arE nOt DoiN It blablabla"
Marketing: "please do it for him"
Fuck me.

Tested out my first app and it worked beautifully. I’m a projectionist and I made this to give me a constant visual feed of projector communication connection. Still in development, not ready for deployment yet. But it works!
I’m posting here because although this site did not help me technically, it definitely helped me emotionally. ;)

I became github addicted...

I started to use it for any single little project I ever created, for documents, files not code related (of course private repositories), etc. instead of using a cloud storage service.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Intervju for new job in 30 min ..

Nervous? Me? Nooo not at all 😂

> Best part about working from home?

"People don't give me as much shit for having a wank during standups" - not me, but I wish it was

None, for me, but that's why I work as a cybersecurity engineer and not a dev!

But, I do tons of side projects and the reason why I love it: it makes me feel like I'm in God mode. (and helps me solve quite some problems)

Quite ironic, for an atheist ;)

As a side project, I've been helping out a friend build a website for free.

friend: I need more of your commitment for this project. We're about to get a huge client!

Me: Yeah you've been saying that for a year. Dude, I just don't have time to waste in projects that are not givine me any money.

friend: HOW DARE YOU! ARE YOU BLACKMAILING ME?!?!

ugh... not my friend anymore

Looking at my friends traveling photos on Instagram is not healthy for me at all. 😡😕😟😞😢

i outed to my boss
During this moment, i had this in mind:
- we do not forget
- we do not forgive
- we are legions

result :
bloody nose for me
heart issues for him

score : 1-1

I am leaving ...

Haven’t seen this posted, but this was to funny for me not to post 😂

So rapper didn't pay me for his site I just built... body {display:none} got me what being polite did not #finallycsscomestotherescue

I just automated the tasks I had for next week. What to do, what to do ^^ This is not really a rant but just me boasting. Time for beer.

Recruiter story.. hilarious stuff..

I have an interview in next fifteen minutes and was setting up for it.

Recruiter calls me to remind me of the same.

I ask her to tell me who the interviewer would be, because she did not mention in the invite and also did not respond when I asked her over the email.

Her response: sure, wait a minute... Actually we are not allowed to disclose interviewer.

LMAO WTF!!

Shit went very well - I am really happy for my future

Hopefully, the bureaucracy will be faster for me :P

Details? Not yet

Me: *browsing devRant*
Friend who's on every Social Media paltform: what's that?
Me: devRant
Friend: *taking out phone* I need to join
Me: its for developers
Friend: *putting back phone in pocket* Ooh
Me: *grinning wildy in my sweet little heart* *yes you piece of shit. This one's not for you*

It feels good to have a corner thats not for everyone

I'm starting to think about not working for this potential client I met today.

He said he wants me to modify an open source software, I asked him what language it's written with, he replied "Open Source". He thinks Open source was a language.

He hasn't even given me the link of the repo, he was already telling me not to put bug in the project in a bid to always make him contact me for updates.

I asked him sarcastically, "Who does that? ".

He was also talking about me doing minor tweaks here and there if need be after I deliver.

Too many red flags for me. No contract and I'm not interested. I foresee it's going to go sour.

What do you guys feel?

Writing some algorithm:
me: *codes for half an hour*
"hmm... isn't working... wait wtf this isn't right..."
me: *codes for an hour again*
"still not working hmmm... wait what no this isn't supposed to work..."
me: *codes for a few hours*
"still not working God damnit.... it's supposed to work now..."
me after another few hours: MOTHERFUCKER CAN YOU START FCKING WORKING FUUUUUUUUUUU

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you
Me: Not now dad
Dad: Not asking for a Software Engineer are they?
Me:Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go see if "Deploying code to production" helps.

Every time user complains about high latency in my Android Audio app:

User blames -> Me
Me blames -> JUCE
JUCE blames -> Google
Google blames -> Phone manufacturer
Manufacturer blames -> Users for not paying enough

“I’m not paid enough for this shit”
Me after any minor inconvenience at work.

The Dev life is not for me.
I need to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.

Ok so maybe not a full rant but it really pisses me off that the version number for Visual Studio 2015 is 14.0

Not seen girlfriend in 2 weeks. Been here less than a minute and she's ignoring me for facebook. At least I have devRant!

For my job interview, they asked me to write simple Java code to check if the string is palindrome or not! Like sir, I've prepared for advanced quick sort and all algorithms and you ask me this!! 🥺

That you can't get by on intelligence. School had not prepared me for actually learning.

Friend: « Can you help me do the js part of my paid contract for free ? »
Me: Yeees, sure, I am not going to do that, never

Fuck 2018

And now the bloody client that can't pay me is asking me to remove the search feature I spent days implementing as she'd asked me to not a week ago. She doesn't seem to realise I develop for money, I don't develop for good will and positive vibes.

I'm not one for filtered searches (hence Safe Search off), though search results like this happen often enough for me to inevitably end up clicking around co-workers.

Windows: would you like to update?
Me: no not rn I'm currently on battery and traveling, let me just quickly restart.
Windows: Okay I'll install the latest updates for you.
Me: oh FFS

Manager: let's use elasticsearch for performing relational queries. PostgreSQL performance is not great.

Me: Say what? 👿

You came to me with a problem, and I have the solution. I'm working with you to achieve a goal not for you.
I don't need you, you need me.

I've been using the above statement for a little over two years. Has been working pretty well. Might not apply to or help everyone but it sure helps me.

Me: Im testing a new feature that is not on production yet for 30m and can not make it work. (I asked the developer for any idea why is not working)
Dev: i just tested, works fine.
Me: i just tested again with no luck. I’m i missing anything?
Dev: (Developer comes to my desk). Lets see what you doing wrong here. (After 5seconds). You're not on UAT. You have been redirected to the production and you've been testing there all this time.
Me: 😩

-Are you programmer?
-maybe?
-can you do something for me?
-can I?
-I need you to hack this Face..
-Not again...

When i was 12 or so, my mom bought me the java for dummies book. Don't get me wrong, thats not where i learned from, it just motivated me to find actually useful resources to do so.

A team member called me the worst manager he ever had. I felt really shitty about myself.

Managing people is not easy and it is not for everyone.

Minecraft mods get me into programming. I used to spend hours yelling at Eclipse for not making that stupid JAR file! 7 years later, I'm pursuing a career as someone who spends hours yelling at a CLI assembler for not making that stupid ISO file! Good times.

So you are telling me the microcontroller is not for controlling the micro?

Meanwhile someone has endorsed me for MS word!!!
Am not sure if you feel that pain😡😡

Skeuomorphism is back. Flat design is over. Thank goodness. I remember guys bullying me for not liking the flat design.

Today is not friday, but tomorrow is a national holiday here in Portugal, so it's a friday for me ✌️

Only fourty more minutes for a three day weekend!!

For me I think it basically comes down to this:
Any software that I have to use for work purposes that I do not have admin access to!

Can someone explain the philosophy of the "not for me" downvote?

There are many things that are "not for me" in life, but, presumably, this action executes a global downvote on the post/comment---which is pretty much an expression of "not for anyone".

If this action were to train a recommendation engine---so I get recommendations that like-minded people see---then great. But why should that result in a public downvote?

I don't go up to people in the bar and say "Drinking Guinness? Not for me, mate." As an adult, I understand that my preferences are not universal.

Personally, I can't square the idea of "not for me" with its consequence of a public downvote.

I'm sure this must have been covered before...but all rants, as physiological and emotional activities, are unique. Your rant can never be mine.

Nobody understands me
Does it matter
Not at all
I have my laptop
And it understands what I am saying
That's enough for me ;)

*me browsing through my company's code style guide*
"You must not use spaces for indentation" - awesome!
"Files must not contain more than 4000 lines of code" - wtf?

Started a new job, they handed me a new phone and asked me to have my 2 phones with me all the time. So sad technology for putting 2 SIM cards in one phone has not been invented yet. Oh wait

Today is the day I contributed to the open source software for the first time.
It may not be a big thing for someone but for me it is.

Client: I can't generate the report for this vendor. Please check.
Me: It's working sir.
Client: But not for me. Please check!

1hr later...

Client: Oh sorry, I was selecting the wrong vendor.

Wtf, madafaqa

Me: Im testing a new feature that is not on production yet for 30m and can not make it work. (I asked the developer for any idea why is not working)
Dev: i just tested, works fine.
Me: i just tested again with no luck. I’m i missing anything?
Dev: (Developer comes to my desk). Lets see what you doing wrong here. (After 5seconds). You have been redirected to the production site and you've been testing there all this time.
Me: 😩

Recruiters on linkedin...

Recruiter: You'd be a great fit for this senior position! Let's chat!
Me (knowing I'm not senior level): Sure, let's chat!
Recruiter: Wait, you only have 3 years experience. You're not really qualified.
Me: Yup. You should probably look at a profile before starting a conversation.

You guys are not ranting enough for me to doomscroll away my miseries here.

I was working as an intern at small company, and after a month we signed contract
But each month they had some excuse for not paying me, or any of the employees
So I quit after 3 months without any payment
But I would not have been where I am, if I was not in that difficult condition, it made me work harder, and thought me to always keep my options open :-)

I'm not a web dev but I am pretty sure it is not so easy!
TNW just lost it's respect from me for this click bait!

2 years ago..

Me : How can i learn Java?
College Senior : Do some online courses.

*did a course for a month! Still not confident*

Me: it ain't working for me.
Senior: Do some project.

*Created an Android App under internship! Still not confident*

After wasting my 6 months on Java, i reached to the conclusion that: "Java Sucks" (at least for me)

No Offence!

!devrant

So today my CTO reigned, and I heard rumours that they probably will have me as the next CTO. Me personally, I'm not ready for this ... Even as a Senior Software Engineer , sometimes I have obstacles leading the my Juniors (6 of them).

Also, for the same pay, I rather maintain my current position.

I am not ready yet.

I made a thing in photoshop today after not using it for a long time. No reason. Made me smile :)

I'm still a student, not dev yet.
Thanks for reminding me that I don't completely belong in here😂

When I post a collab and someone asks me how the project is going and how much the progress..

Inside me: oh boy, I just post ideas here.. not time for implementation

There’s just no love for XSLT. Some people tell me it’s not even a language.

Archlinux.org went down just now for probably not only me. Guess who was in the middle of setting up his system again

Me: "can you please send my credentials for the database?"

Hosting provider: "Yea sure... We will set it up on our servers in no time"

*5 mins later: provider sends mail to me*

Me: *looks at mail*

Also me: *NOTHING TO DO HERE*

Congrats to jweiland.net for not being able to support their customers.

Uncle gives me a call one day - "hey aren't you a computer science graduate? Can you fix my computer for me it does not open Internet Explorer"
Me - 😖😡

Bought a GoDaddy.com domain for the website for our startup as a joint decision by the CEO, marketing guy and me(the Dev), cuz it basically fulfilled our needs. Got some criticism from peers and mentors for not choosing AWS. Guess who's not shitting their pants now.

That one company that told me they will not pay me since they did not told me to start. After a full month of cooperation and nearly daily phone calls with them about the project and it's progress.

I told this their customer I actually built the project for and now I get paid directly.

been a developer for 8 years (after college) and its somehow just dawned on me that no, architecture is not you projects folder structure :/

Me: I would like to receive external training for RHCSA course and certification

Company: Sure! we will open a ticket for you and keep you posted

Me: it's been almost 3 months, could you give me any updates?

Company: Oh actually you are not eligible! this certification is not aligned with your job description!

Me: But...I use linux every single day and it's one of the main requirements to be able to do my job?

Company: Yeah whatever no need to get certified still..!

Me: Why didn't you tell me that 3 months ago?

Company: Well the process was changed and we decided this certification does not match your profile

Me: What matches my profile then?

Company: certificates in Azure and GCP

Me: But I don't ever use those platforms?

Company: ......

Me: ......

Urghhhhh Monday again!

Can someone else write this algo for me pleaaaaaaaase?

😴

Deleting 3 of the 4 Android sdk folders. Why not update one instead. Getting another 90GB of space back which is good for me.

Why is it still not working for me?

FOR THE 10TH TIME TODAY CLEAR YOUR FUCKING CACHE!

Sorry what was that?

Clear your cache please.

Client: we need a report that <unclear requirements>
Me: alright, here's what you requested.
Client: that's not what I asked for.
Inner me: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Background story:
One of the projects I develop generates advice based on energy usage and a questionare with 300 questions.

Over 400 different variables determine what kind of advice is given. Lots of userinput and over a thousand textblocks that need to show or not.

Rant:
WTF do you want me to do when you tell me. It's not giving the right advice for the lights.

Why the for the love of.. do I need to ask you everytime. If something is not working. Tell me what and for wich user. Don't tell me calculation whatever is not working, I don't know that calculation. Your calculations are maintainable in your cms.

And how, like I really wonder, do you expect me, when not telling me what user is having this problemen to find and fix it, You just want me to random guess one of the thousands users that should be given that specific advice?

FCK, like 80% of my time solving problems is spend trying to figure out wtf your talking about.

And then what a miricale the function is doing exactly what is it doing but you forgot a variable. It's not like the code I write suddenly decides it does not feel like giving the right answer.

Notch.

Not even specifically for minecraft but for the live streams he did for the ludum dares, how he made up games from nothing just inspires me big time.

Not fancy but enough for me.

Hope very soon I will setup my 3 monitor setup.

fuck u aws

all that money and u can't read idiot proof documentation for me to have SQS connect to a VPC endpoint to read a message

also fuck u search algorithms for not handing me an easy bake solution to what is a not a novel situation

also fuck me for being unable to git gud

My react developer tool popped up to tell me that my company slack is using the development build of react not fit for production...

Thank you devRant, for making me appreciate not having had any really bad clients

What pisses me off most: on-site team/client team not specifying a non reproducable issue properly in an email and expecting a quick fix for it ASAP, making me run in circles.

For some reason my wife was watching me reading away at devrant and then says:

Wife: You are missing your protection!
Me: ehh what ....
Wife: Let me fix that.

Then she comes back with a ... wait for it ... green yellow striped glitter apple sticker for my webcam.

I don't know if I should be proud of my wife or ashamed of myself for not a replacement yet.

Just tell me if the API is ready or not. I can understand if it's not. I just don't like being left out and when the boss asks for an update, I'll get burned for not starting anything yet, all because you guys aren't ready

i do not know how i fixed it, but it works so i’m done for the day.

any potential repercussions are a problem for future me

My reward for understanding this thing is an early night. Time for bed :) remind me not to submit this assignment with the comments still in it. As I have done before.

Thanks, client, for not telling me you were going to have a big sales event that needed my intervention. Nice Saturday I'm having.

Just got rejected for BS reasons after handing in an assignment. Just tell me you found someone better, it's not a crime.

Not so long ago, I used to talk to Devs for advice.
And now people are asking me for advice in their paths.
FeelsGood

Anyone has had similar experiences?

Dear udemy, please chill. I am glad you found me, but I am not looking for a every-single-youtube-video type of relationship.

My brother (not a dev) asked me for help for his A* algorithm he's trying to optimize.

I'm so proud

Anyone else feel guilty not coding for a few hours? Just me? Oh okay 😔

Dear Recruiters on LinkedIn and Co. Would you find it in your hearth to not harass me anymore?

I don't care for your half-assed bullshit job offers and I don't want 5 of them per day, you are not professional.

Leave me alone!

Is there an easy way to make your website not look like complete garbage, if you have no idea and no time for some web front-end?

Why am I a horrible person for following standard linting and thus not using semicolon in my JavaScript code? I write Golang and Elixir which they don't have them and thus it is for me more natural to not have them in JS as well.

Recruiter: blablabla would you be interested in this job ?

Me: It looks great, hell yes I'm interested!

Recruiter: When are you available for a quick call?

Me: I'm not interested anymore.

For me its a good night sleep and have a strict rule not to work from home/not-working-location. It will make the window of working time more focused.

My iMac is dead after reinstalling Mojave. It’s a sign from god telling me to stop coding. It’s not for me.

Me:
-Lack of experience
-slow learner/fast learner
-not really a team player
-always keep a positive attitude
-but when I started doing smthing, I'll finish it.
-willing to learn

I wonder if anyone would still hire me to their company.. Let me know.. I fucking hate my workplace and the owner. You hire me for doing smthing else, and you always told me to do smthing else that is not even related to my job. I'm not your fucking ass cleaner. = = you shit on that thing, you clean it yourself. Fucking fucking fuck!

I think this company expects me to do maintenance on this app I built them for free 🙄 not happening you wanted it public that's sign off for the final product not my fault

please for the love of all that is right in the world...name variables something useful. ll_j does not help me.

Looking for internships for the summer, a comp. sends me a email at 3 in the morning and I had emails from them flagged and my phone woke me up. I'm not mad about rejection but rather why send me a email at 3 I like to sleep sometimes.

"I don't know what I'm doing. Let's try stack overflow."
*check stack overflow*
"I know what someone else did. Let's try that."

I'm so bored converting a table from HTML to some weird ReactJS framework...
I've been postponing it for so long!
Front-end stuff is not for me... 😕

Me: yeah I am a full stack node.js web developer

Client: so can u do javaFx

Me: that's not really what ur hiring me for :/

An old friend just texted me and asked me to hack Facebook. Again.

FUCK OFF. I'm not a fucking work-horse, I'm not a slave, and I'm not fucking with something as meaningless and stupid as FB.

Go hack your way into his neck with an axe if you want to, I'll even help, but fuck messing with their social life. Go for the disease, not the symptoms.

Not commenting my code 😨
Oh heavenly one, please allow me to atone for my sin 😭

What do you recommend to read for Android developement? The SO documentation is not that great for me since I'm just strarting to create some apps?

Ok.. So I applied for a web dev position at a small-to-medium sized company. They had a telephonic round which they were happy with. They then sent out an assignment for me (A simple webapp to complete in 1hr). I did it and sent them the code. Finally, the face to face interview also went well.

At the end of it all, the HR comes back and tells me - "You did not use a MVC framework for the assignment and your code was not optimized for unit testing."

Me - "Ugh. (1) You did not have to call me for the face to face interview if you did not like my code. (2) You specified NOT to use any 3rd party libraries when doing the assignment. (3) You can tell people directly that you cannot afford them."

my instructor forgot to do Cengage shit right again... why me...

Assignment wants me to "go do a thing to sort 3 numbers with if/else statements"

I'm going to use a list and list.sort() as i'm not stupid and these are bad habits to teach...

...or not.

(I know I can put the values into the right vars and then print those but that feels so wrong to me for something that's gonna be printed ONCE. That also doesn't help as it's searching for if/else statements... although it's not searching for a whole one... nor in actual code...)

Me: RESOLVED....again.

Tester: Well not working for me....REOPENED....again.

When a client reaches out to me, I'm like:

404 Fucks Not Found. This is not the web developer you're looking for.

Was it just me or did voting not work for like 5 min?

So I wrote the script for the GAL in WinCupl for our project. I used the operators: ! for NOT, * for AND, + for OR

me: *writes code*
me: *compiles it*
compiler: error, unknown operation.
me: wtf but thats how its done, isnt it?
friend: u used the wrong operators. didnt u read the manual?
me: smh i didnt, i invented the syntax xD

lesson learned: always read manual first before writing it directly without knowing the syntax

Not testing for ~ 2 years but I already have been punished. Please forgive me.

Rejection 4 / 1000 of my 1000 job applications TikTok journey

Another reply with apsolutely no constructive feedback for me. No explanation why they decided not to choose me. Just fuck you we'll go for the next one. No. Fuck YOU

Followed the angular js tutorial until routing section. Then gave up.

It's not for me. Maybe I'll try again in a few weeks.

Lennart Poettering for proving me that it's possible to make a job not finished and still use it in production

Being a freelancer is not only coding. Mostly (for me at least) it's mailing until you mail your client: "I'm done for today."

FUCK!!!

Urghhhhhh not Java again!

(uni project wants a java client for a section. Kill me plz.)

If I'm not productive during the day, idk what you expect holding me 3h after work will do.

Maybe not keep your employees in perpetual crunch for 2 years, and then berate them for missing the deadlines that YOU SET!

Me: Wrote and unit testing code for a user story.

Day of a Merge
PO: We need to back out the code you wrote. We have not gotten approval from legal.

Me: Uhhh well it's not going live for 4 weeks still and not harming anything but if you insist, ok.....

2 Days Later
PO: Ok legal approved the changes can you put that back in?

Me: 😡🖕🏻

If now me were to visit 2016 me to say “In 2022 an AI will teach you how to code for quantum computers,” 2016 me would not believe it.

I am on Leave since 23rd Dec and I need to go to work on 2nd. Let's hope bugs are not waiting for me

Shit, 24 hours is not enough for me to code and get 3 hours sleep !

!rant
EULA proposition for broke developers with no legal knowledge whatsoever (like me): “By installing/using this software you agree not to sue me.”

??? git good

Yey I got a raise. From 55,000 to 56,500 annually. Go Junior me! Hahahaha. Not enough for California though but I’m grateful.

There should be a catch for lorem ipsum on google translate. I tried to translate a text and it took me a while to understand that not me but the web designers fucked up.

Me: *creates new Vue.js project in IntelliJ IDEA*
Also me: *waits for 2 hours*
IntelliJ IDEA:

PS: Also could someone please comment with Vue Land Discord invite link/code that's not expired?

Thank drunk me for making a backup.

My day could have been a whole lot worse.

...not using git for this particular endeavor.

After 2 interviews and a complex case study made to apply for Javascript Architect I was asked to travel from Brazil to Germany for final interview. First question:
Interviewer: what are things that you want to learn next.
Me (dumb): Maybe some functional language like Erlang
Interviewer: why not Javascript?
Me (dumber): Javascript is not that good for functional

Man, I WAS nervous that day 😭