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Search - "monster"
Had QA call my "simple, quick" ticket a "monster ticket" in front of everyone. Hear it and weep, micromanager!
Also had them tell me i thought of everything, it was beautiful, and that i have a knack for frontend :)8
Yay, another item to tick off the bucket list.
- fall asleep during a zoom call ☑️
I think I've hit the point of being so burnt out, even self consciousness is hard to maintain.4
I'm in a few women in tech groups. A woman, who is a highly experienced developer, shared that she had a conversation with her male friend, who is a startup founder. He said that his criteria for recruitment are high levels of math and physics since high school and early interest in programming (e.g. age of 10). She said his criteria made her sad and excluded.
A fellow woman developer commented that it's reasonable to feel sad when you learn your good friend is an idiot. I snorted some Monster out of my nose reading this and I'm still coughing and chuckling.
To be honest, the founder's requirements do sound super ridiculous, and I imagine his startup is made up of clones of the same guy type, wearing different shades of gray t shirts and sandals with socks.58
In the begining of time, when The Company was small and The Data could fit in some fucking excel sheets, Those Who Came Before implemented some java tool to issue invoices, notify customers and clear received payments.
Then came the Time Of The Great Expanse, when The Company grew to unthinkable levels. Headcount increased with each passing day, and The Data shows that everything was going great!
But when the future seemed bright, came The Stall-Out. The days when The Company could not expand as fast as it did before. And Those Who Came Before left, abandoning their Undocumented Java Tool to its own luck.
Those who came after knew nothing of the inner workings of the Undocumented Java Tool. They knew only that the magical Jar would take a couple fucking excel spreadsheets and spit out reports and send emails like magic.
And those were The Dark Days.
In the darkness, The Data grew to be a monster. Soon a fucking excel spreadsheet could not hold The Data contained any longer. Those Who Came After, fearing the wrath of The Undocumented Java Tool, dared not mess with its code. Instead, they fucking cut away the lowest volume transactions from the fucking input spreadsheet, and left the company to report the unbilled invoices as "surprise losses". Fucking script kiddies, were Those Who Came After.
Then, at The Darkest of Days (literally, Dec 21st), marched into the project The Six Witchers, who fear not the Demon of Refactoring.
This story is still unfolding. Will The Six Witchers manage to unravel the mysteries of The Undocumented Java Tool? Will they be able to reverse engineer the fucking black box, and scale it's magic into a modern application?
Will they decrease revenue forecasting error by at least 2% in a single strike?
Only the future will tell.16
While writing up this quarter's performance review, I re-read last quarter's goals, and found one my boss edited and added a minimum to: "Release more features that customers want and enjoy using, prioritized by product; minimum 4 product feature/bug tickets this quarter."
... they then proceeded to give me, not four+ product tickets, but: three security tickets (two of which are big projects), a frontend ticket that should have been assigned to the designer, and a slow query performance ticket -- on top of my existing security tickets from Q3.
How the fuck was I supposed to meet this requirement if I wasn't given any product tickets? What, finish the monster tickets in a week instead of a month or more each and beg for new product tickets from the product manager who refuses to even talk to me?
Fuck these people, seriously.8
Well, for starters there was a cron to restart the webserver every morning.
The product was 10+ years old and written in PHP 5.3 at the time.
Another cron was running every 15 minutes, to "correct" data in the DB. Just regular data, not from an import or something.
Gotta have one of those self-healing systems I guess.
Yet another cron (there where lots) did run everyday from 02:00 to 4ish to generate the newest xlsx report. Almost took out the entire thing every time. MySQL 100%. CPU? Yes. RAM? You bet.
Lucky I wasn't too much involved at the time. But man, that thing was the definition of legacy.
Fun fact: every request was performed twice! First request gave the already logged-in client an unique access-token. Second request then processed the request with the (just issued) access-token; which was then discarded. Security I guess.
I don't know why it was build this way. It just was. I didn't ask. I didn't wanted to know. Some things are better left undisturbed. Just don't anger the machine. I became superstitious for a while. I think, in the end, it help a bit: It feels like communicating with an alien monster but all you have is a trumpet and chewing gum. Gentle does it.
Oh and "Sencha Extjs 3" almost gave me PTSD lol (it's an ancient JS framework). Followed by SOAPs WSDL cache. And a million other things.6
There's nothing like sitting on the edge of your seat when you see a monster batch of records get sent updates.
This system was built 5 years ago and it's "peak" batch size has been < 400 records in a day, it usually sits around < 100.
It's not a big system and just runs in the background. So yea small numbers for this guy.
today though, I thought something fell down and shit its self, someone decided to add a a few thousand records to this thing and update a fuck tonne of data (for this system anyway)😬
The damn thing is standing it's ground and churning, but fuck, the scale of things is beyond what we ever thought it would have to deal with at any one time.
Build for the insane benchmarks kids, one day... someone's going to drop an elephant on it.5
My first contact with an actual computer was the Sinclair ZX80, a monster with 512 bytes of ram (as in 1/2 kbyte)
It had no storage so you had to enter every program every time and it was programmed in basic using key combinations, you could not just write the commands since it did not have memory enough to keep the full text in memory.
So you pressed the cmd key along with one of the letter keys and possibly shift to enter a command, like cmd+p for print and it stored s byte code.8
Linkedin/Jura/Monster/[other job finding websites] should add a feature:
A button that reads "lying mofo or dumbass" on each job ad.
For those employers and recruiters who don't understand that neither a senior role nor any role that requires a PhD is classified as an "entry level".
Unfortunately there are so many such dumbfucks I can't blacklist all of them from my job search. 🤬18
Sometimes, I feel like these recruiters are just typing keywords, and spam people who fit.
I did one NodeJS project and I keep getting invited for an interview even though I have less than 3 months' worth of knowledge while the job description states 5 or more years of experience.3
docker, Dockerfiles - devops tools - amount of shell commands inside them and mangled && to make everything running in one file layer makes those unreadable mess that you need to think twice to understand, there is no debugger for it, you do everything with try and see what happens, there is actually no real dev toolset for devops and that sucks, since you got builder images that makes things more mangled than before, it’s clearly missing some external officially approved scripting language or at least
WITH LAYER and indentation / parentheses syntax and they still trying to make it flat, why are you doing that ?
as a result next to Dockerfile cause you can’t import multiple ones you get bunch bash scripts with mangled syntax and other crap that is glued together to make a monster - and this runs most of current software on this planet2
I'm scared of databases. What if I go to the bathroom and my dog or the Cookie Monster gets into my laptop and drops a table? How could I explain that?10
Multi cloud, multi account, VPCs with k8s clusters all tied together with rancher and vault. Deployed in Terraform.
What a monster that was to create!4
Unity Engine lures you into trying it out with its simple starting Tools.
But once you realize this is just a fassade - it's too late and the trap got you.
You're now in limbo of to simple code which isn't compatible with the more complicated features!
Oh you try to fix this bug here? Let me suggest you 6 year old solutions from Unity Version that are not supported anymore!
Sorry just have to say it: Unity is big pile of sh*t! I don't know who had the idea of making this frankenstein-monster!
Just to consider thinking not only making one monster - NO!
Lets do a whole bunch of iterations and versions of this monster and yes you guessed it: they are not compatible to each other!1
About a year ago I had the great idea to enforce ago I had the great idea of proposing that we all lint our legacy code base using eslint to increase the overall quality of our JS.
I distributed the task of initially fixing all the errors eslint would find to the whole Frontend team (Luckily we only use JS there). I've finished my part in a couple of weeks and came across this piece of spaghetti.
One of the guys who has been with the company for over 10 years said, that the guy who wrote this monster was very proud of it...
In case you cannot understand what this does: It calculates the distance between 2 points on earth.9
Want to experience how a real dev nightmare feels like? Then try creating a native mac app. And make sure you use SwiftUI.
* No access to the SDK source code, thus you can only rely on documentation
* Everything you find on google is intended for iOS (including official documentation)
* Talking about official documentation it’s almost worthless
* Apple team doesn’t give a shit about macOS, so most obvious features are missing.
On a serious note, SwiftUI can be fun when it works, when it doesn’t you still can fallback to AppKit, but your codebase looks like some frankenstein monster.
I sometimes regret I was so stuborn to make a native app, instead of just cross-platform app with WebView.6
When you warn evil people and they don't listen to what is being said and pour more salt on the wound they get what they deserve eventually
Being a monster is not free10
(No punchlines just a rant sorry, very angry at this person. Can't leave the club. Talked to seniors about it. Talked to coworkers for some voluntary help. No help here ;-;)
Yesterday: we need to have a meet to plan things out. 3 PM?
Rainbow eating monster: Yes
Yesterday 5 PM: Reminder
Rainbow shitting monster: I can't I have important things
Yesterday 5:01 PM: Children eating monster (in group): hey yall watching the event going on rn
Yesterday 5:02 PM: is this what you're busy with?
Rabbit pooping monster: this of course I can't miss. And anyways I have 5 more things to do: thing that I've already done, this club meet that you asked me to do yesterday and I said I'd have done, a meet with a friend, I'm having lunch now, and a meet with you. Hence I can't meet with you.
Today (in group): Kidney stealing monster: @me (irrelevant to discussion) can you meet for other thing that *I* was supposed to do a week ago?
Will you be available @me at 5 PM?
Okay everyone, assuming @me is available, tentatively we meet at 5 PM.
Today 12 PM: i wake up to this faeces3